After everything went kablooey at the trial,
I couldn't sleep.
I felt too ashamed.
The raw onion I ate didn't help.
So, before the sun came up, I decided to go outside
and take my first look at the fall harvest moon.
Every year, I make a wish on that wild, orange moon.
None of them ever came true, except the one I made that night.
My notebook!
I thought it was gone forever.
It obviously wasn't a trap
because a safe didn't fall on me when I picked it up.
So who had dropped it off?
Maybe it didn't matter.
All I cared about was that it was back and that there was a ton of writing to do.
The weird thing was my brain was on the fritz.
So I decided to do what I always did when I felt stuck.
I went on an emergency spy mission.
The $10,000 tower
It's full of power and money
Why can't I think of anything?
It's because I'm too dangerous, Harriet.
Everything you write in me just hurts other people.
It ain't pretty, kid.
But Ole Golly said I never had to apologize for telling the truth.
Uh-huh. And how'd that work out for you, Goldilocks?
That splinter feeling in my stomach suddenly started jabbing me.
It was like it was telling me something I already knew
but was too scared to admit.
I can't be a writer.
I just wanna be You just wanna be
We just wanna be
I am gonna be who I wanna be
My autonomy
No, I won't cut my hair
And I'll wear whatever
I like it when I get to be myself
I don't wanna be You don't wanna be
We don't wanna be told what to do
As I watched people heading off to work,
I began to wonder.
If I wasn't going to be a writer, what could I be?
Harriet the window washer?
Harriet the florist?
What about Harriet the hot dog man?
Harriet? What are you doing out here?
Just thinking.
If I wasn't a writer, what else do you think I could be?
Well, there's lots of great opportunities out there
for someone as smart as you.
You could be a doctor.
I can't stand the sight of blood.
What about a teacher?
I'm allergic to getting hit by spitballs.
How about an astronaut? You could go to the moon.
Dad, I get nauseous when we get in the car to go to Grandma's.
We're just trying to help.
I know. I just wanna be alone, okay?
Harriet, this came in the mail yesterday while you were out with your mom.
Ole Golly?
Harriet, you'll remember that I told you many times
Keats once said,
"Truth is beauty, and beauty is truth."
And I'm glad you used your notebook to tell your truth.
Naturally, those notebooks should not be read by anybody else.
But if they are, then, Harriet, you're going to have to do one thing.
And you won't like it. You will have to apologize.
Apologize?
Remember that writing is to put love in the world,
not to use against your friends.
It wasn't what I expected to hear,
but I knew exactly where her words of wisdom would take me.
Janie, I'm sorry.
The mean stuff I wrote in my notebook, not apologizing last night, everything.
You're not a mad, bad scientist. I was just jealous.
Jealous?
I'm a pretend writer whose words hurt people.
You're a scientist-scientist who's trying to make the world a better place.
I don't know about that.
I was trying to synthesize a new kind of energy source yesterday,
and I accidentally vaporized my nostril hair.
I'm so sorry, Janie.
Forgiven.
Buffalo?
Thanks.
Were you the one who dropped off my notebook last night?
Yep. You without your notebook is like Albert Einstein without his violin.
I used to think that too.
I don't wanna be a writer anymore.
What?
There's a million other things I could do.
My mom thinks I could be a teacher.
Well, at least you could send yourself to detention.
Hey, Sport! Got a second? I wanna talk to you.
Wait!
I had to talk to him.
So I decided to use my ace spying skills one last time.
Will Sport Rocque please report to the principal's office immediately?
Rope burn!
Just give me a chance.
I can't believe you.
Could I interest you in some pizza?
With a side order of a sincere apology?
Hi.
Would you leave me alone?
- Stop. - Wallace, give me a break.
Safety doesn't take any breaks, Sport. It's always on the job.
Thanks, Wallace.
No thanks required.
I'm a hall monitor, Harriet. It's my job. It's what I do.
Sport, I just wanna say--
I don't wanna hear it, Harriet. It's too late.
If you won't accept my apology,
will you accept this?
It's a balance sheet of all the pluses and minuses of our friendship.
Plus 20? For me teaching you how to always win at Rock Paper Scissors?
Plus ten for me checking the spelling on your English papers.
Plus 100 for giving you that 3D baseball card of Mickey Mantle.
Lot of pluses here, Harriet. Lot of pluses.
Some minuses too.
Minus 820 for writing mean stuff about my best friend.
But when you look at the numbers,
I think you'll see this friendship's still a pretty good deal.
No, it's not. Your math is off.
Look, you didn't carry the two here and the three here.
Look, our friendship actually adds up to minus 180.
Just tell me what to say, and I'll say it.
Would love to, Harriet,
but you'll just write it in your notebook and use it against me.
Let him go, Harriet.
I think Sport needs a little space right now.
Let him breathe.
Maybe Sport didn't wanna hear my apology,
but I hoped my classmates would.
I know you all hate me like a vampire hates the sun,
and I don't blame you for a Transylvania second.
Ellen, come on!
How am I supposed to do this scene with one drumstick?
I haven't memorized my lines.
Maybe because all you do all day is chew your dumb hair.
Congratulations, Marion.
You've just won another first prize for being the lousiest,
rottenest person of the year.
Tell me, Pinky, what's it like being the star of the weirdo circus?
Well, at least people like to go to my house to hang out,
and not just because of my mother's cake.
I couldn't believe it.
The cruddy things I wrote had turned everybody against each other.
Children, please.
Fall Harvest Day is about working together,
bringing in the crops,
enjoying the sweet, sweet bounty of the season.
Sport, Janie, you two need to come together.
You're my tip-top tater tot team.
We were, until I found out that Janie gave Harriet her notebook back.
- You did what? - How could you?
Why?
She's my friend.
I thought we were friends.
Children, let's take a deep breath
and blow away these dark and stormy clouds.
Harriet, I thought I saw you peeking through the curtain.
What's wrong?
Everybody's fighting because of me.
Oh, no, they're not.
Actors are famous for being a tad moody at times.
Are you chewing your hair again? Ugh.
Leave me alone.
Help.
Ms. Elson, I wanted to thank you for making me be the onion.
For a little while, it made me feel like I had a lot of layers.
You do have a lot of layers.
No. I don't.
I only have one layer,
and it's stinky, and it's mean,
and that's why I have to quit.
- What? - The play will be better without me.
Well, what about all the new lines and songs you wrote
that make the side dishes feel like heroes, Harriet?
Just go back to the original play.
It'll make Marion happy, and she's the star.
So, anyway...
Harriet, no.
The sharp, sassy taste of the onion balances out the flavor
of all the other dishes.
We need your savory flair.
On the way home,
it seemed like everyone was giving me the hairy eyeball.
Even the pigeons.
Like you're all so perfect?
There's a reason people call you rats with wings.
I started notebook number one when I was seven years old.
Even then, I wanted to be a great writer.
Sixteen notebooks later, I knew the truth.
I was gonna end up being Harriet the hot dog guy.
Can we talk this over?
There's nothing left to say.
Harriet. So nice to see you.
Why are you dressed like an onion?
School play.
Why are your dogs dressed like the Beatles?
We've all got a bad case of Beatlemania.
Right, guys?
It's my best-selling dog outfit yet.
You okay, hon?
I guess.
Well, how's the writing going?
I'm not going to be a writer anymore.
What? Why not?
Ole Golly says a writer is supposed to put love into the world.
All I do is judge people.
Well, did you judge me?
Yep.
And?
I wrote that you were lazy.
Then I thought you were just a big scaredy-cat.
Well, after you did some more spying, what did you think?
I thought about when I tried to change from eating tomato sandwiches
to tomato-and-cheese sandwiches once
and totally chickened out.
And how changing your whole life was probably a million and five times scarier.
It's hard to be brave.
But you did it.
It's the Dog Beatles!
- Got to go. - Bye, Mrs. Plumber.
Good luck.
I started thinking about other people on my spy route,
like Mr. Withers and his 26 cats.
I thought he was a spooky hermit guy at first.
Then I found out that his mother died
and it made him so sad that he just wanted to hide from the world.
And what about Carlos?
I thought he was the dreaded bodega burglar.
Then I found out that he was just protecting his parents' deli.
Hello, lady...
Hello, lady onion.
And now we're friends.
I realized I judged everybody on my route at first.
Then I dug a little deeper and found the truth.
I gotta write this down.
My notebook!
Garbage truck, wait!
My notebook is in the garbage.
Stop!
"Truth is beauty, and beauty is truth."
That's what John Keats once said.
The only thing is you just have to dig for it.
If I could do that with strangers,
why couldn't I do it with my friends?
All right, young thespians.
Can you feel a tingle in your toes?
It's almost showtime.
Okay, let's use that energy.
Good morning, everyone.
Will you join me in welcoming the sixth graders
as they perform the Fall Harvest Feast?
We are the yams.
A taste so sweet to munch.
We are the tater tots.
Bite-size, but big on crunch.
My pungent flavor makes me shout. I'm a-- I'm a...
"I'm a brussels sprout."
Oh, yeah. I'm a brussels sprout!
Not to fear. The main course is here.
You guys switched sides.
We did?
Now everything's gonna be backwards.
Hey, watch it.
Do you see Harriet?
Never mind.
May I have your attention, please?
Presenting a death-defying tale of love and loss.
Sound and fury.
Folly, falsehood and forgiveness.
I present to you, "The Onion's Lament."
I am an onion.
A stinky, unlovable vegetable who makes people cry.
Yams, I wrote that you two should join the weirdo circus.
But then I dug to a deeper layer
and saw how fearless you are about being yourself.
I realized...
any weirdo circus that Pinky and Purple Socks are in
is one I wanna join.
Deal with it!
I wrote in my notebook that
people only went to Carrie Andrews' house because of her mother's cake.
Then I dug deeper.
People may go to Carrie's house for the cake,
but the reason they stay is because of Carrie.
Really?
I wrote this about Marion.
This is brutal even for me.
But that was just my top layer talking.
The one that's still mad that in third grade,
Marion dumped me as a friend.
Then I dug deeper.
Just like fall turning into winter, a friendship can turn cold too.
But just like with the seasons, it's normal.
It's natural, and it's not anybody's fault.
I wrote something for everyone.
Rachel is like her lollipops.
Hard on the outside, chewy on the inside.
Beth Ellen, I really wish we could be friends.
Me too.
I saved the most important message for last.
The reason I was so hard on you is because I was jealous
that your dad thinks you're grown up enough to take care of him.
My parents won't even let me take care of our goldfish.
Not that I blame you.
I fed them spaghetti once. It did not turn out well.
I know my parents sometimes wish I was more like you.
Don't worry, sometimes I do too.
And after what happened with the notebook and Ole Golly moving away,
I kinda do feel older and wiser.
But I still want to bring my stuffie to school,
play town and drink chocolate egg creams all day.
I know you want me to grow up faster, but I'm really good at being 11.
And besides, when I do finally grow up, you'll say,
"You were so gosh darn cute when you were little."
So I don't think we need to rush it.
So, Sport...
I forgot what I was going to say.
Bravo, bravo, brava, bravissima!
I love this job.
From now on, I quadruple swear to always dig deep
and put love into the world.
Everyone, take a page.
I kept my promise when I joined the school paper
and wrote a story about Wallace Walker.
Like everybody, I thought he was a goober
until I figured out he was a hero.
The splinter feeling in my stomach eventually went away.
But I still missed Ole Golly like mad.
Luckily, the most important thing she taught me will live inside me forever.
If you want to be a great writer, you have to know everything.
And to know everything, you need to see everything.
And to see everything, you need to be a spy.
I just wanna be You just wanna be
We just wanna be
I don't wanna be You don't wanna be
We don't wanna be told what to do
And I try my best to do good In the neighborhood
I smile real nice
And I strive to tell the truth
I just wanna be You just wanna be
We just wanna be
I don't wanna be You don't wanna be
We don't wanna be told what to do
I am gonna be who I wanna be
My autonomy
I just wanna be You just wanna be
We just wanna be
No, I won't cut my hair
And I'll wear whatever
I like it when I get to be myself
I don't wanna be You don't wanna be
We don't wanna be told what to do