- Vases. Morning vases.
Be the first to see the drawings of stuff
That just happened, or didn't.
News, gossip, propaganda.
Up to you.
It's on the vases.
Tyrannis declared sexiest king alive.
- Are you serious?
That's the same stick figure you're always selling.
Nice try, kid.
- Cheap king avoids vase purchase.
- I can have you killed.
- Tyrant threatens media.
Hey, buddy, check it out.
You're the world's greatest grandpa.
- Really? People know that?
- Just got declared sexiest king.
- Weird to be bragging about that to your sister.
- All right, yeah. What's so urgent?
You pulled me out of a cape fitting.
- Remember when you said,
"this looks like a good spot to put a city"?
And I said, "probably not, because it's a day's walk
From a cannibal horde."
- And I said, "everywhere is a day's walk
"from a cannibal horde.
That's why cities are going to be huge."
What's the problem?
- Open up.
- Ew.
- From our neighbor, the killassians.
- Well, if they're truly cannibals,
Maybe a flaming human head is their version
Of a fruit basket.
- Hey, that head is your ass!
- Rise above it.
Teachable moment.
- Teachable moment?
Then let me teach these farmers how to fight.
- Right, so then we're fighting instead of farming.
And guess what's left to eat?
That's how big cannibalism wins.
Look, I know I'm the little brother,
But you've got to trust me.
Civilization is the future.
Savagery is the past.
And that past is behind us.
- Goddess on a monster coming in hot.
- The past is behind me, isn't it?
- Yep. - Mom. Dad.
Why are you here? And why can't you stay?
- We heard you were starting one of those newfangled cities
From something we were eating and-or having sex with.
- I certainly hope you don't expect me to stay in this dump
For more than a day. - Hi.
My family worships you. - A week tops.
Your family's good taste shall be rewarded.
- We love what you've done with spring.
- That is demeter.
Snake.
Now, if anyone needs me, deliria,
I'll be in your awkward-looking palace.
- You still can't die, right, mom?
- Of course I can't die.
I'm a goddess.
What kind of idiot are you?
- Just one with a dream.
- The killassians are testing us for weakness.
We got to go to war with them.
- If we go to war with anyone, you know
You'll be the only one left standing.
- That'll technically mean we won.
- I've done it.
I made an explosion on purpose, kind of.
It only took three kinds of powder and two assistants.
- Can we use it as a weapon?
What do you call it?
- I should probably name it after bob here.
Actually, tom contributed a lot.
I'll call it the bomb.
- Hippocampus, didn't I ask you to invent a written language?
Written language.
Bro, I love you, but I didn't become a scientist
To make normal people smarter.
I did it to make them terrified of my god-like power.
Uppies, please.
- So there you go, ty.
Now we can go to war with whoever we want.
We have the baah-aaahm.
- Just say "bomb."
You sound like a caveperson.
- We're not going to defeat barbarians by blowing up
Women and children.
How's that going to make me look on a vase?
- Tough on barbarism?
- Alive?
- How did this family get so cynical?
- Prepare to disappoint the goddess deliria.
Why is there a slab of wood here?
- It's a door.
- Turn the knob.
- There was no wood slab here yesterday.
- Turn the knob.
- I don't know what a knob is.
- Mom, reach down.
- Must mortals fill every empty space with crap made of wood?
- It's called civilization, mother.
Yeah, catchy name.
That'll stick.
- How'd everyone sleep?
I'll go first.
With your mother, and erotically.
What are we eating? Don't care.
I love it.
- Tyrannis, where are your slaves building my temple?
They're citizens, not slaves.
We're doing more of a modern thing,
Which doesn't really include temples.
Will you look at the length of these shadows?
I may or may not be late for a meeting.
Please invent a way to tell time.
- For all you know, I'm ahead of schedule on that.
- You're supposed to make people worship me, boy.
I didn't create you for the fun of it.
- Well, I did.
But I admit, I had the fun part.
- All the other modern cities have temples,
Most of them to athena, the sweaty bitch.
- I hear that athena gets all those temples
Because she has a secret.
- She does?
Well, not that I care, but what is it?
- They say she has the slightest
Amount of human appeal.
- Don't be upset with him, love.
He lashes out when cornered.
He gets that from his part scorpion, part lion,
Part eagle, part horse side.
- Nobody upsets me.
Least of all by comparing me to athena,
Because I'm not a farty, fart face hack.
Random animal exit.
Damn it.
Random land animal exit.
- How is she hot even as an ostrich?
- Hey, I just wanted to tell you, I think your bomb
Was awesome... beyond awesome.
Words don't even describe it.
It's just like the bomb.
- Yeah.
Well, that and three sandals will
Buy me a cup of goat milk.
Guess I'll just start working on a written language.
This is so boring.
I hate it.
Upside-down boobs.
Is that something?
Hey, watch the science.
- How did we end up working for our little brother?
What's he even good at?
- From what I've seen, he tells powerless people
They're powerful.
And they like that, so they give him all their power.
- He doesn't know what he's doing, though.
The killassians are dangerous, violent barbarians
That need to die, explodingly.
- But if we go behind his back we'll lose our jobs.
- If it's behind his back he won't know.
- That's a good point.
Maybe you're more than just strong?
- What?
Take that back. - No need.
You just proved it.
- Calm down, everybody.
You're acting like it's the first flaming
Human head that's been put on a stick out there
When the truth is, it's the third.
Sounds like a lot of you didn't know that.
I see a hand raised.
- I thought cities were supposed
To be safer than wilderness.
I've lived in the wilderness.
There were no flaming heads there.
- Guys, forget them I'm, and let's get real.
Can someone tell the throne-maker
I like to get real?
He'll know what I mean.
You know why scary guys act scary?
They're lazy.
If you run away, less work for them.
To scare them back, we have to be even lazier.
- That's the point of civilization,
Refusing to move, planting your food next to your bed,
Eating it when you feel like it,
And pooping it right where you buried your parents.
- You want to make these barbarians go away?
Become hard work.
Get slow.
Get fat.
Get boring.
Rise up, and sit down.
- Excuse me.
I just wanted to add, I also love civilization.
And I hope religion will be a part of it.
I mean, I, myself, love praying to your mother,
The great deliria.
By the way, do you not even have a place where
Everybody, like, prays or...
Wow.
A mysterious bearded traveler that no one
Has met in their entire life.
How often does that happen?
Just when my mom drinks.
- Behold, I was me the whole time.
You all passed some kind of test I was doing.
- Yes, yes.
We passed a test.
My mother, ladies and gentlemen,
The goddess of quitting while she's ahead.
- Fine. I'll go.
- We love you, deliria.
- Ok, I'll stay.
Keep it going for your king, everybody.
Ruling isn't easy, clearly.
I'm joking.
My boy was born to be a king.
What other job is there for a virgin in his 30s
Who can't swing a sword?
I'm 29.
- Sorry, dear.
Can't quite hear you when you talk
All the way through your nose.
He didn't get the voice of a conqueror.
But on the plus side, he didn't get
Any other parts of one either.
- You know what's really funny?
She gets to live forever, but she's dead inside.
And it's her fault I'm terrible with women.
I agree.
It's not laugh-out-loud funny.
Here's the truth.
She's only here because she's out of options.
She had power, but she squandered it.
Now she needs worshippers,
And she thinks you're stupid enough
To build her a temple.
- Let's do it.
Temple, temple, temple, temple, temple.
- Deliria, goddess of human appeal.
- Son, quick question.
With humans domesticating animals,
Which ones are off the table sexually?
What's all this?
- This is enchanted god-proof armor.
I've been saving it for the day I kill mother.
Step aside.
- If you got that from xantheses in nigeria,
You should know it's made of tin.
- Enchanted tin.
It's cutting me.
- He's a swindler, son.
- Get it off.
- You're wearing a suit of scissors.
You don't really want to kill your mother, do you?
- Why?
Would you help me or stop me?
Exactly.
Dad, you can't give me advice, because you don't do anything,
Except from what it sounds like, the occasional chicken.
- You're wrong about me, son.
I specifically came here to get a ruling on the chicken
Situation before I...
- You know who's good at all the things mom respects?
A bunch of dead people.
You know who's going to run the future?
Diplomats, negotiators, dealmakers,
People that make things work, like me
If she'd get out of my way.
- I believe you, son.
Humanity's on the rise.
What you've done to the chicken alone...
- Dad.
- May I just ask?
If your divine gift is for dealmaking,
Why is it you can't deal with your mother?
- Ok, put those over there.
That should be straighter.
No. Look, make it like that.
- Can't you just do that four times and...
- And make my own temple?
Brilliant pitch.
Here's another one.
Anyone else looking to collaborate?
- Hello.
- If you're concealing a nigerian god-killing dagger,
I have bad news.
- I'm here to deal.
- You have nothing to offer.
- If that were true, you wouldn't be here.
- When I had you, I had a dream that you would conquer
The world, gods and all.
And when they looked up and said, "who are you?"
You'd say, "I'm the son of deliria.
And you should have been nicer to her."
- It's not a bad dream, mom.
But we might have to help each other out.
My city needs protection.
You need a temple.
These people need a break.
- I've tried that.
They're mostly broken.
I've been animating their limbs.
- Explain this one more time.
- We give them a giant, wooden horse.
They assume there's dudes in it, so they set it on fire.
But there's a bomb in it, so kaboom.
- Ok, but why a horse?
- I don't know.
I just asked myself, what's the single dumbest gift
You could ever give someone?
Close enough.
Let's jam.
- Hey.
I am asskill, son of kill, slayer of ass.
- Cool. - Condolences to ass.
- Are you just giving this to us?
It's gorgeous.
- I wouldn't go that far.
- If I were you, I'd set it on fire, later.
- You nuts?
I'm going to cherish it forever.
- You're that sure there aren't dudes in it?
- May as well set it on fire, later.
- Why does it seem really important to you
That we set this on fire?
- In our culture, possession is fleeting, like horses,
Whereas fire is eternal, like friendship.
- Then I love your culture.
I declare peace with krapopolis.
We feast tonight around the burning horse of friendship.
- This is so awkward.
- You know, our people have never danced until tonight?
- You wouldn't know.
- Sorry we're taking so long lighting the horse.
I wanted to make sure all our oldest women
And youngest children were seated closest to it.
- We're going to take off.
But listen, you probably shouldn't light the horse.
We're lighting it, baby.
Everyone in the world is going to see it
And know that the hatred and violence stops now.
- It's ok to cry.
I'll cry with you.
It's acceptable to be vulnerable now.
Thanks to you.
- The horse is a bomb.
- What's a bomb?
- A horrible, devastating, really cool new weapon
Designed to kill all of you at the same time.
Seize them!
- No.
- Don't resist.
- We have to.
Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
- Stop hitting everyone.
- I have to.
- You're terrible people.
- We know that now.
- You guys are good dancers.
- We love you.
You want to slow me down a little?
My neck breaks.
- I've waited too long for this.
- It's not as if the gods are going to come running back
As soon as I lay the last...
My goddess.
- Brick.
- Look who's back at temple level.
- Hermes.
Mwah! Mwah!
- Enjoying your drink, mortal?
- I don't have... - Me neither.
Regrettable, no?
- Fetch two nectars, ty-ty.
- You're missed on olympus.
- That's a lie.
- I don't lie, bitch.
I mean, nobody says how they feel on olympus, zeus forbid.
Bleh.
But two steps off the mountain, you know,
All the real gods are like, "I miss deliria."
- Shut up. Who?
Gee. Apollo.
Gee. Artemis.
Gee. Athena.
- Stop. Stop. Stop. Athena said she misses me?
- Why would that surprise you?
You need to realize who you are.
Thank you, little drink maker.
In fact, that's why I'm here.
I guess there's a city over there.
- Killasses?
Ty, gods talking.
- Anyway, killasses is marching here to invade this city.
And seems like the killassians worship athena,
And seems like this city worships you.
Awkward.
But athena says she's willing to stay hands off if you are.
And she'd love to talk about getting you back on olympus.
- Ok.
Well, hands off then.
Good to know.
- That's what I deal in.
Good things to know.
Get used to me.
Super speed.
- Hands off?
Hands off?
We gave you a temple.
- Did I really get a temple, though?
Sounds like it's going to be athena's.
- You hear? Invasion coming.
I assume we're abandoning civilization,
Except for this cup, which I'd love to keep.
- The two of you everything I hate about this world.
- You're right, son.
Attachment is dangerous.
- You'd let your entire family die to boost
Your olympian social status?
- My mortal family.
You die no matter what.
I also have an immortal family.
The social stakes are higher when
Your social life is forever.
- I can't believe I ever admired you.
- You certainly never said you did.
- I couldn't. I was a baby.
It doesn't take long to stop liking you.
I guess gods and mortals have that in common.
- You try to raise them right.
- I blame you.
I can't shape a vase when the clay is half turd.
- We may die today.
- How likely?
- I don't know.
- Like guaranteed?
- It's a speech, steve, not an interview.
Can we do questions later?
- Doesn't sound like it.
- If we die today, it will be my honor
To die with most of you.
- Is that directed at me?
- Yes.
- Hey, ty, I have a pretty intense war machine
That probably won't turn the tide of battle
But will definitely look really cool during the battle,
And I...
- Do whatever you want.
- Thank you.
- Hey, listen, go hide.
I can tell them you hung yourself.
A lot of kings do it in this situation.
It's a thing. - Nah.
- This is my fault.
- You saved my life a lot when we were kids.
- I tried to kill you a lot too.
- Well, mission accomplished.
Hi. I'm tyrannis.
I brought you a basket of... Olives.
- Just tell me how you want to die.
- That's fair. - Wow.
You're big.
Sorry.
It's my first battle.
- How are you even a king?
- This will not shock you, but I sort of
Talked my way into the job.
My end game was to make a world that ran on talking.
Clearly, for selfish reasons.
But I told my brother and sister, "let's not fight
These guys; let's talk to them."
They talk.
That's all you people do.
Called us friends so you could explode our children.
You can't be trusted.
- You're right.
Because we took your trust, and we didn't give any back.
So what if we trusted you now?
What if we just open our gates and let you in.
- Please do.
It's called an invasion.
- Or an invitation.
What if we welcomed you in and gave you our trust
Until we earn yours back?
We're farmers; you're fighters.
If we combine our strengths, we could build something
Greater than any other city, an alliance, an empire.
- What's an empire?
- I don't know yet.
But it's going to be huge.
- What is happening?
- We're discussing things.
- So I noticed.
I'm not the goddess of conversation, you wet fart.
Conquer these people and make them worship me.
- Athena...
Did I address you?
Who are you even ever even?
- I'm the son of deliria,
And you should have been nicer to her.
- Excuse me?
- You heard him.
- Mama?
- But apparently, I heard wrong.
I was told this war was hands off.
- Deliria.
- Athena, goddess of... What's the list up to now,
War, wisdom, over-the-top outfits, and daddy issues?
- Ok.
So we're going to talk about wardrobe?
Are you attacking ever or...
- You can say no.
- You're joking, right?
Attack!
- You are aware that we can, like,
Change our clothing, bodies too.
- You'd know.
You change your face in every conversation.
- How about I change your army into snakes?
- Snakes?
So lazy.
- So you never turn people into snakes?
- Constantly.
When I'm lazy. - Snake.
Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake.
- Right. This is what you look like.
Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake. Snake.
- Snake. Snake. - Snake. Snake.
- You think you'll ever be back on olympus again?
It's sad you try.
- Sadder that you care.
I don't care about trash, but I still take it out.
I guess you just sleep with it.
- Excuse me.
Would you mind not slut-shaming my mom?
She is my mom.
I owe my life to her being a slut.
- Sorry.
I can't hear you over the sound of snake.
- No.
- Aw, no family left.
You couldn't even make your own.
- Someone tell tyrannis I'm doing something.
- Run!
- All hail deliria.
- What is me?
I can smell heat with my tongue.
- I'm not mentioning today to anyone,
Unless I ever see you again.
Like I care.
Get off me.
Like I care about any of you.
Like I care about anything.
Like I even care about myself.
Like I even have to.
- Hail tyrannis.
- Say something to your people.
- Sure.
I have strange legs, hot sun, danger, only mice.
Find mice.
Delicious mice.
Warm sun forever.
- You get the king you get.
Now cheer.
Yay.
- Thank you.
- Next.
- There's three days of mice in here.
After that, he should be back to normal meals.
- Darling, I'm sorry, but that one is just a snake.
- Then where's my husband?
- It's war, honey.
- If you find another snake, we're here until sundown.
- Thanks for doing this, by the way.
There's three days of mice in here.
Thank you for your service.
And, you know, thank you for coming back.
- I came back because I hate athena slightly more
Than your awful city.
Next.
Pleased me to see you willing to fight.
- I bet.
Three days of mice. Thank you so much.
Someone told me that when I got turned into a snake,
You screamed no.
Stick it up your ass.
- Screw you.
Three days of mice.
Thank you.
- Did you get any of that?
Bento.
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