.
- It wouldn't be enough to cover the entire recall,
but we could stop using the corporate jets
for non-company business.
- We do that now?
- Well, some people take "market research" trips
to every Mardi Gras.
- Uh, bullying? Anyone want to step in here?
- Mm-mm.
- Couldn't we just charge, like, 50 bucks more a car?
No one would notice.
- Yes, people famously don't haggle
over the prices of their cars.
- None of that is big enough.
We have been at this for hours,
and all we've decided is where to order lunch.
- We should have spent more time on that.
This sandwich dry as hell.
- Look, I hate to be the one to say it,
but we all know what needs to be done.
We have to close a factory. [all grumbling]
I said I hate to say it, all right?
That absolves me.
- I really don't want to do that.
- None of us do, but sometimes
you have to cut off the hand to save the arm.
- Ah, like zombies.
- Why are factory workers always the first ones
on the chopping block? - Mm.
- Nothing ever seems to touch the people
with the cushy office jobs.
- You know what? That is not a bad point.
I mean, it'd be a bloodbath up here,
but downsizing executives would get us a lot more savings
with fewer bodies.
- No, I wasn't suggesting that we actually--
- You know, I hate to say it,
but we wouldn't have to cut production
if we went with Jack's Red Wedding thing.
- Okay, Red Wedding is not what I was actually saying.
- We shouldn't fire anyone. - Exactly.
- But if we have to,
we would get less blowback with Jack's idea.
- And then we could loosen restrictions
on the corporate jet, right?
- What is wrong with you, Wesley?
These people 'bout to be homeless and lose their jobs,
and you're worried about seeing boobs for free?
- It's not free. It's like a barter economy.
- Okay, fine. We'll go with Jack's idea.
Let' start with every department,
letting one executive go,
and then we'll reassess from there.
- Oh, God. They have no idea what's coming.
- Stop staring. You're making it obvious.
Pretend I said something inspiring.
Clap, clap, clap, clap. - Oh, bravo.
But wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, no.
It looks like we decided to fire them and then applauded.
- Just close the blinds; close the blinds.
- Yes. On it. Closing the blinds.
[upbeat music]
- ♪ Bom bom bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
[chorus vocalizing]
- I mean, Ros is a cancer survivor.
If we let go of her, she'll lose her insurance.
And Keith just adopted twins.
I mean, that's a bad time to be out of a job.
- I didn't mean to get anybody fired.
- Who would you let go of?
I mean, I have narrowed it down to these four.
- You want me to decide? - Well, yeah.
You want to be in management?
Here's lesson 101: making hard decisions.
- Well, our first lesson was actually
how to log into the web portal.
It's, like, needlessly complicated--
- Right. I need this.
- Fine.
If I had to choose, I guess...
Syd.
He has the worst numbers and the most complaints.
- Yeah. Sweet guy, though.
I was hoping you wouldn't pick him.
- Oh, I can pick somebody--
- No, you're right. It has to be Syd.
I just can't face him. - Okay.
- Can you do it?
- Me?
- It'd hurt less coming from you.
These people think of me as like a cool, younger sister
or like an unobtainable crush.
- Do they? - Mm-hmm.
- Ah, there she is.
Saint Dori saving the world one mean comment at a time.
- Get away from me, Wesley.
- She's so perfect.
She would never spend company money
going to a place where
sexual mores are temporarily lowered.
- Because I don't need to. - Okay, uh, Miss Pens.
God, for someone who cares so much about the company,
you're pretty cavalier with the pen usage.
You got blue, black, red, another blue.
Must be nice.
- What does a pen cost?
Like, what? A dime?
- Yeah, but you multiply that
times, like, 20,000 employees,
who knows how much that would save?
- $2,000.
- Did you just do that in your head?
- I mean, I guess we do use a lot of stuff
that we actually don't need.
Like, why does everybody have tape on their desk?
We're not doing arts and crafts up in here.
- [laughs] Yeah.
I mean, you cut some pens; you cut some tape.
- That's, like, pure savings. - Yeah.
- Let's go check out the supply room.
- Ooh, yeah. Uh, don't worry, guys.
This mismatched pair of ragtags is gonna save your jobs.
And in the process,
we just may find out we have more in common than we think.
- What does he mean save our jobs?
Anyone know what he means by that?
- Hey, Katherine.
"Ticker Tape" on CNBC wants to interview you this afternoon.
- Today? - Mm.
- On the day of these layoffs? Pass.
I mean, that would be like
taking a victory lap at a euthanasia party.
- Mm. - Yeah.
Not a perfect metaphor.
But the point is, terrible timing.
- Right, yeah, but I was also thinking
maybe it's perfect timing. - Hmm?
- It shows that we're taking hard actions to cut costs,
which Wall Street will love, but we're doing it by
letting go of executives instead of blue-collar workers,
which, I mean, Main Street will love.
- Yeah. - Oh, right?
- Interesting. Love from both streets.
I mean, that's all the streets there are.
- Yeah.
- Katherine Hastings, savior of the underlings.
- Maybe we could workshop the phrasing.
- Savior of the peons?
- Uh, just workers.
- Eh, doesn't really pop. I'll play with it.
- Right.
- So the first few pages
are just the standard layoff script,
and the rest is a list of acceptable legal responses
to anything they may say to you.
- So I'm just supposed to read this to them?
Seems a little heartless.
- Precisely, yeah. Just get through it
with an emotionless, surgical precision.
You know, like a child of an acrimonious divorce
dissecting a backyard squirrel.
- Please, Jack. There's an art to this.
People don't want a robot. They want to be heard.
They want to be seen. - Just stick to the script.
- Stick to the script,
but breathe some life into it, hmm?
Connect with your scene partner.
- My scene partner? - Let's say I'm firing you.
I gotta ask myself, "What do I think makes Jack tick?"
So while my mouth may be going through the motions
and saying the words, my mind is thinking,
"Light beer, bouncing breasts,
he probably ain't cracked a book in ages."
- Little condescending, but-- - It's art, Jack.
It's supposed to make you feel uncomfortable.
- Yeah, I mean, you have to admit we do love breasts.
He's not wrong about that.
- Okay, but what do I do if he, like,
starts freaking out screaming, "I'm gonna kill myself,"
or, "I'm gonna kill you and then I'm gonna kill myself."
What do I do if-- - That is in here,
because we do get that...
[laughing] Really quite a lot.
- Uh, oh, we could lower our water bill
if we put those little push tabs on the sinks.
You know, the one where you gotta play whack-a-mole
to, like, turn the water on?
- Oh, my God. I hate those things.
That's perfect.
- Oh, double-sided printing.
We use half the paper, not to mention
freeing up filing space and reducing trash.
- Okay, you're amazing at this.
It's like "Good Will Hunting" but, you know, like,
a reboot with a Black woman,
and I'd probably have to be gay or British or something.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Joe America shouldn't pay the tab
for corporate America's mistakes.
Powerful, right?
- Very much so. I felt it. Tingly.
- Ew. Well, anyway.
Hey, is what I'm wearing okay?
When I got dressed this morning,
I didn't know I'd be doing TV.
- I think you look perfect,
Especially given the solemn news,
it's good not to be too polished.
- What do you mean too polished?
Do I look unpolished? - No, I just mean real.
You look real.
- So I don't look like my normal supermodel self?
It's been a stressful time lately
in case you haven't noticed.
- Honestly? Hey, you look beautiful.
- Really? 'Cause ten seconds ago,
you were saying I looked unpolished,
so you're kinda talking out both sides of your mouth there.
[chuckles]
Oh, yeah. My roots are really bad. Wow.
Ooh, I could use some filler, too.
- I'm gonna go.
- Oh, my God.
Hey, Dori. Get Dr. Kazemi on the phone.
Tell her to bring the full bag!
- Syd, you've been a valuable employee,
but unfortunately, we have to let some people go,
and I just-- [knock at door]
Yes, uh, come in.
- Hey, are you Jack? - Syd!
I mean, I'm Jack. - Yeah.
- You're Syd. - Yeah.
Well, I certainly hope so.
That's the name that they wrote in my underwear.
[chuckles] You know, you look like a Jack.
Yeah, it's a strong name, but it's not showing off.
I mean, you're just Jack. - Yeah, thanks.
So the reason I asked you in today
is that we need to talk about--
- Actually, Jack's my grandson's name.
- That's, uh, that's cool. - You remind me of him.
He's a good kid. That's two good kids.
So what can I do for you, Jack?
- Syd. - Yeah.
- You've been a valuable-- - Oh!
What size mitt do you wear?
- My mitt size?
- I've got an extra glove. I think it might fit you.
- Adult? - Yeah, that'll work.
[upbeat quirky music]
- Yeah.
.
- "Please know that Payne greatly values
"your years of service and is therefore committed
to helping you find your next employment opportunity."
- Oh, my God. Oh, God. I--
- [clears throat] "Payne--
Payne will be offering a generous severance package"--
- [murmuring]
- "Payne greatly values your years..."
[sighs] I'm sorry, Deb.
"Your years of service and is committed to helping you..."
- Shh, it's okay. You're doing great.
- "Unfortunately, we have to let some people go, and..."
- Oh, I'm sorry. Who's that gonna be?
- Uh, just, uh, let me keep reading.
"We have to let some people go"--
- On second thought, I don't wanna know.
These people are like family.
- There's a second half of that sentence
I really need to get to, Syd.
- "Please..." - [murmuring]
- "Please take all personal belongings with you..."
- [murmuring]
- "By the end of the day,
as your card access will be turned off."
- [murmuring]
- "Please take all your personal..."
No!
I can't. I can't.
- Here. I'll help. Let me do it.
- [sniffles]
- Uh, "Take all personal belongings with you
as your card access will be turned off."
That sounds reasonable. That's fine.
- [whispers] Turn the page.
- Wait! I'm fired?
You're firing me?
- Uh, "If you signed a separation agreement,
I can give you a severance of X dollars."
I think I'm supposed to fill out the X--
- I could do better, Jack. Jack, give me another chance.
- "Syd, I'm sorry, but the decision
to end your employment is final."
- Oh! How is this happening?
And what sort of God
would allow something like this to happen?
- "If they invoke God,
maintain a neutral disposition, and do not engage."
- I don't think you're supposed to read that.
- "Once again, thank you for your time and service."
Howard? Are you all right?
- I'm fine.
- "Excellent.
I'm so happy we've come to a satisfactory conclusion."
Howard, are you sure you're fine?
- I'm fine.
- "Excellent.
I'm so happy we've come to a satisfactory conclusion."
Shall I--I tell you what,
why don't I give you a helping hand,
set you on the way? [chuckles]
You know, a journey of a thousand miles
starts with a single step, doesn't it?
So I'm just gonna pop you there, and, um...
check you on the flipside.
- What did I do wrong?
Did someone complain about my performance?
- "Syd, we won't be discussing any specifics
about your performance." - Okay.
But to my face they say, "Great job, Syd.
You're part of the team, Syd." So now what?
All of a sudden, behind my back, they want me gone?
- "Syd, this meeting isn't about other employees."
- Stop reading from this binder.
I'm a real person. Would you talk to me?
- [sighs]
Truth is, we have to cut costs to pay for the recall.
That's all this is. - But why me?
Did I do my job wrong?
Is that what this is in my file?
- Of course not. Of course not.
The file says you are great.
They just want, like, new blood.
- New blood? - Yeah, yeah.
Syd, it's nothing personal.
- Oh, okay. So this is an age thing.
- What?
- No, you need to bring in the young guns.
- I didn't mean to suggest anything like that.
- I may be old, but I know the word "ageism" when I hear it.
- Syd, let's just take a beat. - Let's just work--
- You don't remind me of my grandson,
you remind me of my other grandson,
the pot smoker.
- So how rough have the layoffs been?
- Um, you know, we're getting through it.
It's just obviously uncomfortable.
- Mm-hmm.
- Should I come back later? - No. Why?
- Just a bit squeamish about needles in faces.
- Oh, well, you're gonna have to get used to that.
I mean, you're a female executive, right?
Gotta stay ahead of the saggy-faced curve.
- Mm.
- Actually, you could use a little touch-up right now.
You want the rest of this needle?
- You can't share needles. - What?
It's fine. I'm her boss. - I think I'm good.
But thanks. - Easier if you start now.
Actually, maybe five years ago. - Mm-hmm.
You're the head of a Fortune 500 company.
Haven't you, like,
earned the right to not have to worry about vanity?
- [laughs] It's not vanity; it's business.
I mean,
people want their female CEOs to be young and vibrant.
Do you think anyone wants to know that
when I kicked through the glass ceiling,
I peed my granny briefs a little?
- Mm, no. Is that a thing?
- Oh, yeah. When you hit perimenopause,
you'll be playing tennis in a maxi pad, too.
- Well, I don't play tennis. - You should.
Your upper arms are starting to drift a little.
It's really good for that.
- And stop moving your lips. - Mm-hmm.
[mumbling] I mean, this is what you have to do
to be taken seriously.
- Mm.
- Hey, everyone! We got great news.
Dori is passing out some super-cozy blankets.
Those are gratis.
Plus, I also think she has some bonus great news.
- I sure do, Wesley.
The heat will be turned off between 10:00 and 4:00,
effective immediately.
- And that's prudent. It's super-prudent.
- Um, I can't work in the cold. I have a medical condition.
- You have a what? - An iron deficiency.
- [laughs] So let me guess. You half woman, half lizard?
- No, no, it's cool. It's cool.
We want everyone to be comfortable,
so look, hey, look. It's fine.
Phoebe doesn't want to use a blanket.
- Okay. - Great.
- Unfortunately, that does mean
that Max is gonna lose his job
and his kids are gonna starve to death.
- Yeah, Max's children gon' die.
- Okay, I'll take a blanket.
- There you go, Pheebs!
- Okay, Max. Your kids live to see another day.
- I'm take this. You don't need to be taping nothing.
Your papers just be everywhere. - [chuckles]
[quirky music]
- Hey. How'd everything go?
- Oh, fantastic. Yeah.
I mean, I do have
a catatonic man in a rolling chair outside my office,
but other than that, everything's brilliant.
- Okay. How did Syd take it?
- Not well. Kept asking why he was the one being let go.
- He's the worst performer in his department.
- Yeah, but I didn't want to tell him that, though.
He thinks it's because he getting old.
He can't sue me for, like, ageism, can he?
- Uh, no. Of course not.
I mean theoretically, he could sue the company,
but he'd need to prove a pattern of age discrimination.
He's just one guy, so...
- I think Deborah's in her 60s, actually.
- All right, well, you know, two people, then.
Although Howard is getting up there a bit.
- Well, that's just three people.
I'm sure other departments didn't--
- Letting you go too?
Ugh.
[quirky music]
- Looks like the end of "Cocoon," right?
- Mm.
.
- Gerald Balmer,
Arthur Stevens, Mort Callaway?
Jesus, this thing reads like
the team roster at a canasta tournament.
- Well, yeah, I mean, if you read them out in a list,
then yeah, it doesn't sound great.
- Well, how should I read it?
- Well, I guess my legal advice would be we don't.
- Can't we just wait this out?
- Like until the old people die?
- No, no, no. That's not what I meant.
- Guys, we can't sit back on this one.
I have dealt with
age discrimination lawsuits at York.
They are ugly, and they are expensive.
- Yeah, it's not like the people they protect.
They move pretty fast. [chuckles]
It's not the time for humor, is it?
- Yeah, but this wasn't on purpose, though.
It was a mistake.
- Oh, that's a good point, Jack.
Yeah, great.
Hey guys, let's double down on the oopsies defense.
- I actually got excited when you said "good point."
- This is all ridiculous.
Syd is a marketing VP who never learned social media.
I mean, you would not
go to a doctor who's 20 years behind the times.
- Right. Can it really be discrimination
if it affects your job?
Are we gonna let an 80-year-old, um...
- I don't know. Can't help you.
- Uh, run a band saw? - Mm.
- That'd be insane.
There should be lawsuits about that.
- Yeah, I don't see
a lot of heavy machinery around the office.
- What about a hand model who loses both of his hands?
- Again, how does that apply to us?
- Yeah, also all models are freelance these days, Jack,
so that doesn't work on two counts.
- Age had nothing to do with this.
It just so happens that bad employees
and old employees share a lot of the same qualities,
and that sounds really bad, so circle back to me.
- Look, we didn't fire anyone because of their age, right?
We fired them because they're bad.
- Yeah, yeah. Thank you.
- You know, and some of them are bad because of their age.
- Guys, I don't want excuses.
I want to squash this thing before it gets out of hand,
so someone talk Syd down off the ledge, okay?
Straighten him out, sweet talk him,
give him a stick and let him
push a big hula hoop out the front door.
I don't care. Just end it.
- Mm-hmm.
[quirky percussive music]
- Oh, hey. What are you doing?
Did you just throw out that tea bag?
How many times have you used it?
- Uh, one. - One?
- That's [bleep] up.
Hey, hey! Everybody, listen up! [whistles]
Tea bags cost money!
You should be getting three to six uses
per bag minimum.
- Yeah, after a few uses,
I put some of the leaves right under my tongue.
- Ooh! - Nature's tea bag!
Right here!
- This is an industrious man, okay?
Unlike you freaks.
- And just remember, wastefulness is weak tea.
Mm!
- That's been in the trash.
- Did you just come up with that?
- It popped in my head fully formed.
- Oh, my God. The hairs on my neck just, like, stood up.
- You serious? - I was like, "Damn, Wesley!"
- Syd, I'm so sorry to let you go.
I just wanted to let you know
it has nothing to do with your age.
- Oh, really?
- Each department had to lose one employee,
and you had the worst numbers.
- Well, that's not what Jack said.
He said my file looks great
and that you wanted me fired because you wanted "new blood."
- Mm. You said that?
- You could have mentioned that before.
- I was trying not to hurt his feelings.
- Look, Syd. I think what's happened here is that Jack,
he's a nice guy, you know?
Not one of those self-proclaimed nice guys
that "harass women" online.
No, I mean, he's a genuine nice guy.
You know, he can probably get any woman he wants
without resorting to bullying tactics.
Right, Jack? - Is that a question?
- Syd, the truth is,
you're the worst performer in your department.
You want to read your performance reviews?
- I don't have my readers. - Fine. I'll read them.
"Work is sloppy and filled with errors.
"Shows no initiative.
"Brags about using sick days to play golf.
Can't remember the names of any of the women on the floor."
- They all have the same hair.
- Mm-mm.
- And besides, if I was so bad,
why didn't you fire me yourself?
- 'Cause I don't want to be mean to and old--to a person.
- I don't buy it.
You could've written all that down just now.
And my attorney said
I shouldn't be speaking with you anyway.
- Attorney? So you've hired an attorney?
- Oh, yeah. Real shark.
Representing all of us.
Three words: class action lawsuit.
Elliot, I'll see you in court.
Jack, go suck an egg.
Brenda, I never respected you anyway.
- Oh.
- That's you. - That's me.
♪
- Hey, isn't this good? How's this for non-polished?
- Yeah, it's nice. Um--
- Man, you really have to stop frowning.
These lines are gonna set.
- We have a little problem.
Syd and the other old people have lawyered up.
- What? Oh, my God.
I've got enough to think about with this interview.
Wait, they're not gonna ask about this, are they?
- They might.
- No, no, no. This is not happening.
The whole point of this thing was to show that
we're on the side of the underdogs.
What am I gonna say when
they ask me why I decided to go fire grandpa?
- Well, I was thinking you could maybe remind them that
you know, you're a woman of a certain age.
- What?
I just spent the entire day making myself look younger,
and now you want my defense to be
that I eat prunes every morning?
Besides which, honestly, I look like I'm 35 anyway.
- Y-you don't. - 37. Fine, whatever.
- Okay. - Ah, damn it.
We're gonna have to rethink this whole thing.
- I think it's more of an attitude thing.
- Hey, Dori! Get the rest of the style team back!
Sadie needs me to eat turds on live television.
[sighs]
.
- Here to talk about Payne's plan to bounce back
from the recall, CEO Katherine Hastings.
Katherine, thank you for being here.
- Well, it's great to be here, Colin.
- She is really leaning into the "I am old" thing hard.
- Looks like she smashed all the "Golden Girls" characters
into one person.
- [laughs]
- You don't have a case, Martin.
- Every one of the people you fired is over 40.
You think a jury will think that's a coincidence?
- We are downsizing senior staff.
Is it any surprise that some of the people
we're letting go happen to be seniors?
- It's textbook ageism.
I'd get ready to open the coffers if I were you.
- No, the coffers will remain firmly shut, thank you,
because you need to prove a pattern of discrimination,
and one unlucky day doth not a pattern make.
- So if I look at everybody you fired in the past,
I wouldn't find a disproportionate number
of them that were over 40?
- [bleep] off, Martin.
[energetic percussive music]
Oh, move, Howard.
You need to get on with your life!
- No, we can't do the layoffs.
We can't do the layoffs. - What?
- If you don't rehire all these wrinkled, old fart bags,
we're gonna get buried in a slew of lawsuits
that are gonna cost us way more than we ever would've made
by laying them off in the first place.
- [sighs] Well, where are we gonna find the savings?
- We could fire all the young people instead.
- Damn, you're just dying to axe people today,
aren't you, Jack?
- He's got a taste for blood now.
- No, no, that's not what I'm trying--
- Wait, fire young people?
That's just reverse discrimination.
- And then we'll be stuck
with just the old people, and let's be honest,
they absolutely suck.
- [chuckles]
- Not you. We value you. - Yeah.
- Has she started talking about the layoffs yet?
- Have you decided
where you'll find the money to pay for all this?
- Well, at first, we discussed closing a factory,
but I said, "Absolutely not."
- Ah, damn it.
- Our factories are the heart of our company.
Isn't it time for those of us in the executive ranks
to take the hit?
- So you'll be letting go of some executives?
- Uh, you know, that is the question
that we asked ourselves, Colin.
Uh, and the answer, Colin, it may surprise you.
The answer is...
no.
No, we are not gonna let go of our executives.
- So where are you going to be finding the savings, then?
- Such a good question, Colin.
You know,
and that's the same question that we asked ourselves.
What are we gonna do?
We knew that we needed an a answer right away
uh, otherwise, there would be enormous consequences.
Close factory
is unfortunately what we realized we had to do, so...
- But you just said Joe America
shouldn't pay for corporate America's mistakes
and that the factory was-- and I'm quoting here--
"the heart of the company."
- Yes, but we have many factories,
so in a way, we have multiple hearts.
Like a cow.
- You're referring to how a cow has four stomachs?
- [laughing] No. Let me be clear.
We have 20 cows, each with a heart in them
but still, we are going to have to, uh,
turn one of our cows into chuck.
- Well, sure to be an unpopular move,
but you have to respect a woman willing to stand behind it.
- Oh, well, thank you so much, Colin.
Oh, and I just want to say I know I look a little haggard.
I was out very, very late last night.
Some of my friends took me out for my 44th birthday.
[chuckles]
- Plus what we'll save on heat
minus the blankets we had to buy,
plus what we saved on office supplies--
- They didn't think this ragtag team of misfits could do it.
Well, how do you like them apples?
We saved a total of $14. - Huh.
Not what I was expecting,
but you gotta spend money to save money, right?
- Mm-hmm. That sounds right.
- Hey, we should keep this going.
Uh, the savings committee.
We meet once a week, we order in sushi,
and we brainstorm ways we can cut costs.
- Mm, sushi sounds good right about now.
- I know. You wanna go get something?
I mean unless you're busy. No pressure.
- Mm-mm. That sounds fun. - Awesome!
- Have you heard of this place on Woodward?
I heard it's really good, but it's, like, pricey.
- Ah, we'll expense it.
We just need to make sure we talk about business for,
like, five seconds.
- Okay, so like business, business, business,
business, shrimp tempura. - Yep.
- Yeah. - That's it.