So Friday's picnic for our military families and it's just a quick bite and we're out, right?
Yes.
Yeah.
Great.
And then we'll, um, I don't know, we'll lead the veterans down to the Detroit River and
we'll just push them under.
Sound like a plan?
Mm-hmm.
So you're pro-drowning America's heroes and their families.
That's a bold take.
Sorry, they're taking PR photos of the Pika in the weather testing chamber.
No one's responding to my text because the service sucks down there.
Oh yeah, well, all hands on deck then, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah, maybe I should climb up there myself and manually boost the signal.
I'm just gonna give notes in person.
Dory, can we do something about that incessant ding sound?
Every time some HR drone sends me a happy hump day meme, I get a bell in the face.
So annoying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm on it.
I'll get, uh, something more soothing like a, like a whale song.
What is this?
Pain motors has been hacked, $20 million in Bitcoin by end of day or contents being released.
Is there a hacking meme going around?
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
I'm Bill, this is Eric, we're with Cybersecurity here at Payne.
This morning our corporate servers were indeed accessed by a team of hackers.
Luckily the firewalls did their job and booted them out.
They only got a small amount of data.
Data?
Like our emails?
Uh, hi.
Yeah, I do this funny thing where I write playful, sarcastic emails about how awful my coworkers are.
And again, tongue is firmly planted in cheek, but out of context, it might seem hurtful.
Usually these teams target customer data.
Oh, yeah.
Financial info, credit card numbers, that kind of thing.
Yeah, and certainly obviously we don't want to lose any of that.
Man, I would prefer that it was our data.
For sure.
So we're going to have to shut down the network to do an audit.
So internet, key cards, office computers will all be offline.
It's paper and pen day.
Right, well thank you guys so much.
We really do appreciate it.
We're here, sir.
Keep you posted.
Thanks everyone.
Hey, we believe in you.
Do we believe in them?
No, God.
They don't look right to me.
Too clean cut.
They need to be more punky.
Yeah.
I think that's like a movie thing.
Yeah, but the movie people have done that research.
I mean, it's based on real life.
Exactly.
We need a young chick whose name is like Destiny and she's got like a spike collar and a bunch of, you know, gross face piercings.
Messed up childhood.
So sexually, she's all over the map.
Look, even if the dweebs are right and the hackers didn't get anything, you know, I don't want to risk it.
Let's just pay the ransom.
I love that idea.
I think that's really great.
It sends a really strong message, you know, and that message is, you know, here's the money.
Yeah, just leave us alone.
But isn't paying the hackers just like rewarding the criminals?
We are the victims here.
However we choose to process our own trauma is inherently right.
Yeah, because if we don't get to decide our own fate, then that's like victimizing us twice.
Exactly.
We don't even really know if they're criminals.
You know, there could just be a couple of regular Joes who are saving up money for a life-saving heart transplant for their mum, you know.
Yeah, I know that I was just kidding about writing the mean emails, right?
Because nobody laughs, so I didn't know if y'all got it.
Huh, yeah.
These are...
Are there any camera tricks to make it look less like the weather is winning?
Like an airbrush hit?
Yeah, don't be shy with that. Good idea.
Thanks, guys.
Hey.
Hey, what's up?
I was trying to text you, but there is no service down here.
No.
Our computer's got hacked.
We got hacked?
Mm-hmm.
Like by professional hackers?
I'm not sure if they're professionals or just, like, really good amateurs, but I figured you want to know.
Yeah, we got to get back up there.
Yeah, yeah.
What is, what, why isn't this working?
Right, uh, the IT guy said the key cars would be offline for a while.
Hello!
I don't know why hackers always want Bitcoin.
If it were me, I would demand cash.
And you'd be a fool because Bitcoin is far superior to fiat cash.
What the hell is fiat cash?
It's, uh, it's cash.
But this is better because it's, uh, decentralized.
Oh, decentralized.
Wow, yeah, because I always hated how centralized my money was.
You know what?
Look, let me show you something.
Don't love where this is going.
Hold on.
So, right in this tiny hard wallet, I have most of my net worth converted to crypto.
At the entire financial system crashes, Wesley's still got his money, honey.
Now what if someone steals that wallet?
Okay, well, there's a passphrase.
And if they enter the phrase incorrectly ten times, it locks out forever.
If I ever want my money, I just have to type in milk was a bad choice.
Uh, forgot it was all caps.
Milk was a bad choice.
Now, when you say it locks forever after ten tries, how would you unlock it?
Well, I mean, you can't, but just all get erased.
Because it's decentralized.
That's what makes it so great.
Okay, it's fine.
I know it.
And I have eight more tries, so just relax, guys.
I wasn't tripping.
I said relax, guys.
Knock, knock.
Either knock or say knock, knock.
Yes, good point.
As ever, your mentorship is greatly appreciated.
I just wanted to talk to you about the hacker ransom.
So, so annoying.
It turns out we can't pay it.
What? Why not?
Well, it's kind of an interesting story.
He can stand.
Yeah, okay.
The thing is, Payne, as a fortune 500 company, like many others, has a pretty rigid internal
policy about, you know, not paying out ransoms in cases of digital malfeasance.
Why would we do that?
It's a deterrent, you see.
If they think that we can't pay, you know, then, you know, they're not going to bother
to hack us.
But they did hack us.
They did, yeah.
So the deterrent didn't work.
No, no.
Not this time, for sure.
Yeah.
Bit of a hole in the logic there, I suppose.
Great.
So now we're stuck trusting those two bulls of human oatmeal to handle the hack for us.
Yeah.
Well, you know, I mean, hopefully.
Don't sit.
No, no, I'm not.
Hello.
Maybe you can just pick the lock.
You know how to pick a lock?
I don't know how to open it.
I have no service.
Right.
Just call somebody.
No service.
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Well, one of them must open the door.
It's a big door.
Okay, stop.
Stop.
I'm trying to turn it off.
Stop.
That's all the script.
Yeah, I don't want anything.
We're still running diagnostics but we can confirm that the network is completely locked
off from the hackers.
Oh.
And our firewall didn't even better job.
They weren't able to access any customer data whatsoever.
Really?
Wow!
Oh, gosh!
Man, you guys are impressive!
I guess looks going to be ice- Committee to saving, huh?
What way do you mean?
Anyway, they got nothing?
Well, they actually pulled about ten gigs of internal data.
Internal, huh?
Ten gigs?
That is... how much is...
In Kanto, it's about two gigs if you pirate it.
More if you want ultra-high-def.
Well, you got to watch high-def.
You do.
So they got, what, a few high-def in Kanto's of our stuff?
It's actually just your server.
So your emails, instant messages, memos, all your internal communications.
Oh, so just my personal data.
Oh!
But the customer's are set.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
And that is what is important.
God!
What a relief.
What an absolute relief.
I mean, eventually they'll realize we've been gone too long looking check on us, right?
I hope.
It seems pretty distractive on the IT guys on how they didn't have enough piercings.
Yeah, but that sounds like us.
I shouldn't have pressed that button.
Playtime is over.
I am being decisive.
We got to pay that ransom.
Just, you know, we can't.
Why?
Because of the company policy.
I'm the CEO.
I am the company.
So guess what?
Poof!
No more policy.
Yes, right.
It's just, with all due respect to the power of poof, without the shield of a corporate
mandate, you know, I'm the one that's on the hook for having authorized the payments.
Right.
So.
Great.
You can do it.
Technically, I can.
But I won't.
What?
Well, what you really asked me to do is put my name to a series of payments to people
who, for all we know, might be terrorists.
We don't know.
You know, I can be breaking any number of laws.
They have all my emails.
Do you realize how bad that would be?
If they got out, I'd be humiliated.
With all due respect to that, and I don't want you to be humiliated at all.
Right.
But equally, you know, on the other side of the coin, I don't want to go to jail, so
you have to admit that it is kind of a close call.
Are you really saying no to me right now?
Is that what's happening here?
No.
Apart from that one.
It doesn't count.
No, because to be honest, the fact that you aren't brown-nosing me right now, it's
very, very disorienting.
I know.
It's weird for me, too.
Retrace your steps mentally.
Where were you when you changed it?
What were you doing?
Who?
Oh, Fedora.
I was wearing a Fedora.
There you go.
A Fedora.
It's the exact same one Bruno Mars wears.
First things first.
You need to get rid of that damn hat.
Wait, wait, wait.
Bruno Mars.
Bruno, Sacha Baron Cohen.
Oh, my God.
I think I remember it.
I like to make sexy time.
Oh.
Nice.
Oh.
My wife likes to make sexy time.
No, it's not my wife likes to make sexy time.
Have you even seen the movie?
Okay.
Is it a person?
Yep.
Definitely not an animal?
Wait, that doesn't count.
That doesn't count.
It's a dust.
So if you go on to the negative on Jeopardy, do you have to pay them?
If you're worried, I just wouldn't go on the show.
So is it bigger than a dog?
Yes.
Obviously, it's a person.
Sorry, I just thought, like, you know, what about like a big dog?
You can't give an invisibility cloak to a boy that aged.
They're going to use for sex stuff.
You would have?
Yeah.
Of course I would have.
Every boy would have inherited it, too.
It's just off-screen.
If you wanted to know if it's a big dog, say, is it a big dog?
I'm thinking of the next question.
I already said it's a person.
Okay, so kill Elliot.
But what about Wesley?
Ugh.
I'm going to marry him just for the money.
Okay.
Never having sex with him, ever.
And I just don't understand how a little girl is allowed to have a dog the size of a house.
And if you read those books, like really read them, you realize that Clifford is constantly
killing people.
Like his tail is swatting the mailman 300 feet through the air.
Got it.
Is it Captain?
Yes.
Finally.
Ah, that is so pathetic.
Yeah, look.
Right there.
Oh, it's stopping.
It stopped.
Maybe it's on a timer.
Thank God.
I'm dying to stretch my legs.
Oh, my God.
Okay, get back.
Get back.
I guess it's a whole cycle.
So you think you can just talk the hackers out of releasing your emails?
Well, I would prefer to pay them.
But I guess I'll just have to charm them instead.
Trust me.
I can choose anyone.
Okay, we're on.
Oh.
Hey there.
Hi.
Catherine Hastings, CEO, pain motor.
And who do we have here?
No names.
Anonymous.
Very cool.
I like it.
Yeah.
May I call you hacker?
Is that...
Is hacker an offensive term?
It's probably a badge of honor.
And how would you know that?
It's fine.
You have our commands.
Okay, great.
Deliver the Bitcoin where we release the data.
Yes.
Well, I want to pay you, but we have encountered a slight hiccup on the legal side.
I don't know what it's like in your office, but maybe you have one of those guys who
is like a real buy the books, kind of stick in the mud, you know, really not a team player,
kind of rates on everyone.
Ivan.
Yes.
Exactly.
I think we're both just going to have to work around our respective Ivans here.
This is a waste of time.
All right.
These guys are criminals or possibly terrorists.
Come on, Elliot.
I mean, you guys aren't terrorists, right?
We are freedom fighters.
I'm not sure what to do with that one.
You must pay Bitcoin by end of day.
You must pay Bitcoin by end of day or we will send this to everyone.
Oh, my God.
Why does this exist?
Richard and I were sexting.
Nobody's supposed to see this.
I'm not through it.
What do we do?
Is that a bad idea?
I am a mid-presentation and you're not paying attention.
All right.
Don't get to nobody.
Nobody look.
It's looking right at me.
Close your eyes.
We're all good.
This is our therapist's fault.
Richard and I are falling apart and her only advice is keep us fighting.
Your therapist advised full-spray.
That is not professional.
You should sue.
God, how could this be happening to me?
What we would probably trace it back to when you took your undies off at work.
Hey, did you connect your phone to your work account?
Because then they would have access to all of your text messages.
Oh, my God.
That could happen.
I basically have all the photos.
All the photos?
You mean there's more than what we saw?
That was one of the classier ones.
I'm stressed.
Let me hit it.
I gotta go call Richard.
Waffle's 69.
Waffle's exclamation point.
Okay.
You are not going to believe what you just missed.
Catherine sent a nude to her husband and the hackers got ahold of it.
Oh, cool.
No, no, no.
They sent it to us.
You can see everything.
I feel like you should be a lot more excited about this.
I'm trying to remember all the passwords I've ever used for any account.
Maybe I used one of them for the Bitcoin.
What?
Don't go Jason Waterfalls.
The TLC song?
That's not the line.
I thought it was the line when I made the password.
Or maybe I didn't.
I don't know, man.
I'm freaking out.
I probably could get you a copy of the photo.
That'd be fun, right?
Naked pictures of women.
Wes, now I'm getting concerned.
You actually...
Yep, that's annoying.
Sorry.
Are you sure they have all the pictures?
Yes.
No.
Yes.
What about the kitchen one?
All of them, Richard!
I'll fix it!
I always fix everything!
You see what you did?
I am not enjoying this.
Okay?
I hate it, all right?
I can feel my hives coming back.
I don't get it.
You're usually such a spineless weak yes, man.
Yeah, I know, okay?
And that's why every fiber of my being is screaming at me to authorize the payments, all right?
I am desperate to obey her, but I can't.
Well, just do it.
Pretend she's the queen or something.
She is not the only victim in this, all right?
Okay?
Yes, her genitals are out in the public sphere.
But so is my face, right next to her genitals.
What are people going to think?
They're going to be thinking about her genitals.
Take it home!
See you!
That was quite good.
I think so.
That was the coolest I've ever felt.
Oh, yeah.
Hey.
It's snowing.
That is actually really pretty.
Oh, it's kind of...
It's coming down pretty hard, though.
Yeah.
Try cold.
Fast, too.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Hypnosis is just about getting you into a meditative state
so that you can access memories.
Now close your eyes and take in a nice deep breath.
Shouldn't you have, like, a pocket watch
or, like, a big spiral thing that keeps turning?
I'm sorry.
I didn't realize you wanted to be hypnotized loony tune style.
I'm telling you, this will work in therapy.
It helped me through a lot of stuff.
Okay, maybe my mind's not as weak as yours, though.
Excuse me?
I'm not suggestible.
I'm not one of those idiots who can be hypnotized
into clucking like a chicken or whatever.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
Well, even if I was trying to get you to make chicken noises,
they're super hard to make, so I doubt you could do it anyway.
Not that hard, dude.
Cluck.
No, I mean, like a real chicken,
because chickens don't cluck.
They bock.
Okay, fine.
Bock.
No, but they're, like, much louder and in higher pitch.
Bock!
Yeah, but more repetitive.
Bock!
Oh, and you don't think anybody could ever get you to do that?
No, I don't.
Okay, show me again.
Bock!
Knock, knock.
Oh, Catherine.
Hi.
Come in.
So this is your office, huh?
Oh, this is the whole...
Well, it's nice.
You've done a nice job with it.
Thanks.
Look, Catherine, I can't do all of this, you know...
You know, I consider you a friend.
I do.
I mean, I know.
I mean, we have fun with your accent and all that, you know?
Like, what do you call this?
Uh-oh, that's a solder.
No, the material.
The can.
Oh.
Aluminum.
Oh, oh, yeah.
I'd say aluminum.
Aluminum.
No, and not how I would say it.
Oh.
It's fine.
You know, look, I'm not gonna ask you to do something you're not comfortable with.
In the end, I respect whatever you decide.
I am just...
I am just asking you as a friend to please consider doing this for me.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
And listen, I would love to help...
Holy!
You are worthless!
You are a worthless grub of a man!
Whoa!
That cold air just pours right in, doesn't it?
Just so poorly made.
Mm-hmm.
I felt that, like, doing this thing was gonna make me warmer.
It's gonna make me colder.
You know, on naked and frayed, they always kind of, like, hug each other for body heat.
Right.
That's...
Yeah, I wasn't suggesting that.
Oh, yeah, I am down for, like, a safety cuddle if you are.
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bring it in.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
That is nice.
Oh.
I am begging you, Ellie, this will ruin my life, not just my job.
You think Richard is gonna stay with me if I am the reason that a picture of his penis
with a squiggle of mustard gets out on the internet?
Oh, why would you take that picture?
We thought it would be sexy.
I mean, it was stupid.
It wasn't.
It was humiliating, okay?
It wasn't fun.
It wasn't.
Did you know that mustard stains?
Surely not forever.
Did you know that it stains the skin?
Oh, God.
I didn't know that.
I swear to God, I didn't know that.
Katherine, I'm so sorry, but you're the only one suffering here, right?
I am at war entirely between my abject fealty to you and...
Oh, no.
This is your fault.
Here, look at that.
You look at that right now.
That is me as a guidance counselor.
Hey, where do you want to go to college?
Look at it.
Oh, this is small in here.
Yeah.
Over here.
Oh, is that the floor?
Yeah, I think so.
Oh, my God, this is good.
Such a pretty girl.
Mm.
Put it over.
Yeah.
Okay.
How am I supposed to...
Just come here.
All right.
Okay.
I am going to come over.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think the lever is quite...
I think the lever is kind of...
Oh, my God.
Oh!
Katherine, this is Calvin.
You've been beating me up all day,
so I thought it might be useful for you to see the sort of low-level drone
you'd be relying on for assistance if I weren't here.
But you said Katherine wanted to congratulate me on the Christali brief.
Yes.
And I apologize for bringing it up.
I'm sorry.
I apologize for bringing you here under false pretenses
just to humiliate you.
Look, this sort of credulousness
is exactly the sort of character defect
that I'm trying to make you aware of.
I mean, Calvin here is mindless, no offence.
These underlings, they don't have the character, the integrity,
or the experience that I bring to the table.
What are you getting at?
Well, my voice has value,
and I'm drawing a line in the sand.
So if you won't accept my counsel,
I hope you'll accept my letter of resignation.
I hope you recognize...
Okay.
You accept?
What do you mean?
Wait, what is this?
Well, it's just a random piece of paper out of my binder.
Well, where's the letter?
Well, there isn't a letter, is there?
It's just supposed to be a bluff
to make you do what I want,
which is like, be nice to me.
Calvin, are you willing to rubber stamp
or ransom payment to a bunch of hackers?
Are you telling me I have to?
Yes.
Okay.
Well, hang on.
It's just a fake resignation.
So let's not get carried away.
Okay, fine.
You're fired.
There.
Poof.
What?
No, don't poof me.
This is very serious business.
Calvin, on me.
Let's all, let's all just, you know, rewind.
What's up with this little pork pie head?
It's a fedora.
It's sexy.
He's a little stressed.
He's trying to jog his memory.
You'd be stressed too
if you were close to losing $70 million.
$70 million?
You're that rich.
I'm so stupid.
Why didn't I make it something simple and obvious?
Like, do not forget this passphrase.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Oh, that's it.
That's it.
Do not forget this passphrase.
You tried that one earlier.
How many guesses is that?
It's nine, so one left.
You know what?
Forget it.
What are you doing?
I'm choosing not to play.
No, as long as I don't make any more wrong guesses,
I still have my money.
But you can't access it.
But I still have it.
I have it right here.
What's the point of having money, Wesley,
if you can't spend it?
I said I have it right here.
Looking like an extra from Goodfellas.
Don't you look stupid?
Don't even get rid of it.
That's right.
So that was, uh...
That was cool.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was cool.
That was...
I was gonna say it was cool.
Is that always part of the vehicle testing?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Rain, wind, snow, sex stuff.
That's pretty standard.
Hey.
I have some photos for you to look at.
Oh.
At the car.
How long has she been there?
Geez.
Chin up.
You're obviously not fired.
Oh.
What about Calvin?
Calvin just put his name on a payment to a bunch of terrorists.
The guy is radioactive.
Oh.
Look, if I'm being honest,
I'm shocked that you stood up to me.
I'm almost impressed.
Oh.
Well, yeah, you know, I mean...
You know, on my day, I can be pretty forceful.
Yeah, don't ever do it again.
No, no, no.
God, no, I wouldn't dream of it.
Good.
Lesson learnt.
Oh, hey, Catherine.
What have we got here?
Some aluminium?
That's crazy.
I love that.
Yeah.
Great, great.
Just...
Look at me.
You're back in the game, E-bomb.
I think we'll be having a stuffed crust tonight.
Yeah.
And a fizzy drink.