##[Marching Band]
## [ Singing ]
## [ Continues ]
## [ Chorus Singing]
Our next film is by Hayley Smith.
Thankyou. This film was inspired by my mother.
Okay, sit down. Don't milk it, Tracey Ullman.
[HayleyNarrating] Historyhas been studded with great women...
women who've had a profound effiect on the world.
Then there's my mother.
## [ Western ]
Why waste money? A si m ple blanket stitch makes old socks new again.
[ Crowd Laughing ]
[Hayley Narrating] Mom can't tellyou who her congressman is...
but she does know this.
Never throw away old shower caps. Use them to cover casseroles.
- [ Gasps ] - [ Crowd Laughing ]
[ Laughter Continues ]
How humiliating! Hayley made me look like a total idiot.
Honey, you're not a total idiot.
I mean, you got the point ofthe film, right? What the-
[ Kids Chattering, Cheering ]
- ## [Alternative ] - A raging teenage house party in our neighborhood?
[ Gasps ] Steve, I can't believe you're here!
The Schwartztein's house is going off!.
It's like a damn Ludacris video- pimp cups, shorties. It's all crunked out.
We're quantifying the molecular-
Steve, ifyou're ever gonna crawl out ofthis geek swamp...
you gotta log some face time with the cool kids.
Now get going!
I'd, uh, ditch fatty and dim sum on the way there. They're gonna blow the ratio.
Her film made me look like a boring housewife who's only good at cleaning!
- Oh, that is an outrage! - Thankyou, Roger.
You're a terrible cleaner! Look at this place! It's filthy!
Yeah, that's a big dirty "S" for schmutz.
My film was the biggest hit in GroffCommunity College history.
I got a check-plus-plus. That's like a "C" at Arizona State.
Hayley, did you ever consider thatyour film...
might make my life look, well, worthless?
Come on, Mom. Women are doing bold, exciting things.
- And you're- - What?
The H.M.S. Cucumber declares war on poor nutrition.
Admiral Egg spots hunger off the starboard bow.
He's launching baby corn torpedoes!
[ Imitates Torpedo Firing ]
Open.
Oh! Oh! Ew!
Ew! Look at this.
Eight years of dead bugs. You disgust me!
Now hold the ladder. I wanna come down.
What doyou think Steve's doing at the party?
Probably chillin', drinking a Mickey. He's eating Ruffles...
debating whether or not to hook up with that black chick.
Do it, Steve. Do it for both of us.
- Did you go to a lot of parties when you were in high school? - What?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, a lot of parties.
- [Doorbell Rings ] - ## [Rock]
Delivery for the popular party.
Is that you, Smith? I told you, no losers.
I'm in the party! I'm in the party!
- Stop him! - Hey!
I'm so wasted!
Slut!
[ Crying ] I don't know what to do!
Keep the baby. Life begins at conception. Whoo!
- [Branches Breaking] - [Moaning]
- Yeah, I was pretty popular. - [Door Opens ]
Hey! How was the party?
They gave me and Snot swirlies, threw Toshi in the trash...
and used Barry's fat folds to open their beers.
I'm gonna make a necklace.
Mr. S., those parties aren't for guys like us. They're forjocks.
Jocks, huh?
- [Whistle Blows ] - [ Crowd Cheering ]
Come on, coach! I didn't payyou to not play my son!
Scared he's gonna be too good? [ Clucking ]
[ Groans ] Thirtyyears of smoking, I'm still alive.
Smith, you're in!
- You hear that? This is your chance! - Yea! This is my chance!
[Deep Breathing]
Sorry about my unusually thick tongue.
He forgot to stretch, that's all. Just, uh, needs to walk it off.
Thirsty much?
Dude, did you just hear what Vince Chung said?
Yeah, he's so cool and popular, you forget he's Asian.
- [ Boys Laughing ] - [ Moans ]
[ Boat Horn Sounding ]
Hi. I gotyour exclusive invitation under mywindshield wiper.
My daughter doesn't respect me. So, I'm here to change my life.
Well, then welcome.
We takeyou the legally required 67 miles offshore...
where the international laws ofthe Internet apply...
and certifyyou in the career ofyour choice.
- Oh, surgeon sounds fun. - Excellent.
That comes with your choice of a specialty...
heart or brain, and a Dr. Bearington.
- His specialty is hugs. - [ Coos ]
Oh, good. You're not touching yourself.
Son, I know a waywe can makeyou a better athlete and getyou in with the cool kids.
Really? How?
We could embark on a strict three-year training program...
where we'd spend lots oftime together bonding as father and son.
- Oh, I'd like that! - Yeah, me neither.
That's whyyou should take these steroids.
The C.I.A. Iab tech is on vacation and I have spare keys to his office.
In case of a fire drill, I'm floor monitor. It's complicated.
I managed to get my hands on this top-of-the-line...
Iargely untested performance enhancer.
Dad, face it. I'm never gonna be popular like Vince Chung.
Don't say that! Don't ever say that!
Don'tyou see, Son? Everything's betterwhen you're popular.
Colors are brighter, jeans fit snugger.
You know when you put a piece ofJuicy Fruit in your mouth...
and for the first five seconds it tastes so sweet and perfect...
Iike someone sprayed a little miracle on your tongue?
Well, that's what being popular is like, but all the time!
Piece ofJuicy- Oh, my God.
I-I have to sit down.
- I never had it, Steve, butyou can. - I want it!
- Then take it! - I will!
- Then grab it! - I shall!
Oh, I see today you're making tea.
Well, today I became a surgeon. My diploma.
This is printed on the back ofa Chinese takeout menu.
You've clearly been scammed, Mom.
Doctor! I didn't go to school for 1 2 hours to be called "Mom"!
- Feet, please. - Thanks, Francine.
No, it's me, Roger. I'm finally taking charge ofthis pigsty.
Now I'm going upstairs to clean behind the bookshelf.
Yes, Stan, there's a "behind the bookshelf."
I told you, Francine, it's too expensive.
- Damn your experimental steroids! - It's okay, Son.
You're experiencing a perfectly natural side effect called "'roid rage."
Oh, I'm experiencing a side effect all right!
I have boobs!
Oh, my God!
I know. Talk about a butter face.
Let's not panic. The C.I.A. scientist gets back from vacation in a few days.
So until I get the antidote, we have to keep your magnificent ta-ta's underwraps.
- What am I supposed to do now? - Strap 'em down with these Ace bandages.
It's what Hillary Swank used to hide her breasts in Boys Don't Cry.
- You know, that movie where she got what she deserved. - [ Gasps ]
- An Oscar... and brutally sodomized. - Dad!
In a review by Derek Simms ofthe Detroit Free Press.
Steve, is this really the time for showbiz trivia? You've got breasts!
Wow. Good thing I didn't wear my fake doctor's jacket.
- That would have been awkward. - I'll haveyou know this is a real doctor's jacket.
I have an interview at a real hospital...
where I'm gonna get hired and do real doctor stuff.
Stufflike... stethoscoping...
medicine type things, thermometer!
[Toilet Flushing]
I taught myselfthe toilet.
Oh, my God. The heat is killing me.
I just need air for a second. [ Sighs ]
- Uh, Steve, right? - Uh, yeah.
- Killerjugs. - Oh, uh, thanks, Vince Chung.
No prob. Up top!
[ Both ] Whaa-aa-aa!
Oh, yeah!
[ Clicks Teeth ]
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh.
Yeah, this degree is a completejoke. No onewill ever hireyou.
Butyou just said "Oh" likeyou were impressed.
Yeah. Yeah, I did.
We need help! Ourfriend is hurt!
Oh, the entrance is right over-
We don't have insurance! Please, Doctor, he could die!
Doctor.
Steve, thank God! How'd it go at school? Did anyone notice your man melons?
Uh, no. I kept them hidden likeyou said.
Hey, pal. Ready to work on our science fair project?
- Totally! I got a great idea for- - [Horn Honking]
Hey, Steve, we're going to the river. Hop in.
That's Vince freaking Chung. What's he want with you?
Oh, um, we-we started talking in the hall today.
I guess those steroids must have increased my confidence.
That's fantastic. You have to go with them.
But we're behind on our project for the science fair.
How do I say this nicely? Loser! Loser! Loser!
- Dad! - I'm kidding. Not kidding!
Have fun at the river,Juicy Fruit.
-Just remember to keep those bad boys underwraps. - I will, Dad.
##[Rock]
That is refreshing.
I'm glad you guys talked me into taking a dip.
Aren'tyou coming in?
Nah. It looks like the water's kinda cold.
But why don'tyou show us how Flipper swims backwards again.
Oh, okay. [ Imitating Dolphin ]
There. A simple blanket stitch and the arm is as good as new.
That was amazing, Dr. Smith.
Let me introduce everyone. You know Blind Jimmy.
I'm Johnny Four Legs. These are the twins, Large Monty-
- Hey, howyou doin'? - And Little Tex.
- Howdy! - And that's DeafTeddy. We call him "Wheels. "
But it don't really matter what we call him 'cause he's deaf. Ain't that right, Melissa?
- Nice to meet you. - Francine...
we want you to come work for our organization as our permanent physician.
Really? What organization is that?
The Handicapped Mafia.
- The what now? - The Handicapped Mafia.
I'm sorry. I don't know what that is.
We operate within the "handi" community...
picking up the scraps the regular Mafia don't got time for.
Forging handicap placards...
rigging the Special Olympics, the Paralympics, women's golf.
We's not all mobsters, you know. I'm a country-western singer.
Just cut my first demo.
It's called "I Gotta Be Me... and Some of Him."
So, Doc, what doyou say?
I don't know. Handicapped Mafia.
It seems wrong. I mean, the Mafia part, not the handicapped part.
- I think it's greatyou're handicapped. - [Clattering]
Negotiations broke down with the... Braille Institute.
- And they stabbed you? - No.
Myvan crashed into a... cutlery truck.
- [ Tuning Guitar] - You gotta help him, Doc!
And so we will. Dr. Bearington will assist...
by being so snuggly!
Ooh, look at the furry, furry little guy likeyou!
Stem, stem, seeds, stem.
- Damn it, Eddie! I slept with you. - [DoorOpens ]
- [ Groans ] - Oh, my God!
You're covered in blood! What happened?
I can't tell you. But I'm saving lives because that's what I do.
I can't just refuse a patient because I find them morally reprehensible.
Damn it,Jim! I'm a doctor!
- [PagerBeeping] - [ Groans ] It's work.
Tell your father I'll be gone all night. Man, these hours are brutal.
No wonder those doctors on Scrubs don't have time to be funny.
I like Scrubs.
Wait, wait. Back up. So you said "bonus," and then Vince Chung laughed?
OrVince Chung laughed, and then you said "bonus"?
Dad, I think Mom might have gone overthe edge.
Shejust left covered in blood saying shewas gonna beworking all night.
Working all night, huh?
##[Alternative ]
Steve, this is the best party I've ever thrown.
I mean, you've ever thrown. We're finally popular.
What areyou doing? You animals!
Feet on the couch! I just steam cleaned-
Salsa on the carpet! But I vacuumed-
Coasters!
[ Screaming ]
[ Doorbell Rings ]
Oh, hey, guys. Well, what areyou doing here?
We're supposed to work on our science fair project, remember?
- We're running out oftime! - Uh, I can't.
I'm, uh, sick.
Awesome party, dude. To Steve's continuing good health.
- [Crashing] - [Crowd Laughing]
## [Fades ]
Whoo! Best popular party ofthe year, huh?
Hey, has anyone seen Steve?
Hey, the party's moved upstairs.
Little migration action. I love how that happens. Keeps it fresh. [ Gasps ]
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!
- My son's a slut! - I just made that bed!
Shame! Shame on you!
How can you just use him like that? He's a person, not a girl!
What'd you do that for? I'm finally popular like we wanted!
You're not popular. You're easy!
Maybe my girls opened the door, but I'm the one who walked through it. They like me for me.
You are not leaving this house until those milk monsters are gone!
Vince Chung invited me to his party tomorrow night and you can't stop me!
- Oh, yeah? - [ Cocks Gun ]
Just soyou know, I had the shot!
## [Dance Rock]
[DoorOpens ]
Look at this.
First National Bank is collecting donations for orphans.
Oh! I'd love to steal that money right out from under those damn greedy orphans!
[ Shouts ]
[ Grunting ]
- Thankyou. - Well, it was getting pretty awkward.
- So I gotyour message. - [Man Screaming]
- What areyou doing? - This gentleman here...
didn't wanna sell us the short buses at cost.
I'm sorry. I- I can't do this.
I became a surgeon so my daughterwould respect me.
And now I don't even respect myself.
Sorry, toots. You know too much about our organization.
Once you're in, there's no way out.
But... I took that lamp offyour brace.
Ow! Let go of me!
- Hayley, what are you doing here? - I was worried.
You were acting so crazy. So I followed you.
Good news, Steve! I got the boob antidote from the C.I.A.!
[ Gasps ] He's gone!
I bet he's going to Vince Chung's inscrutable party.
I have to make him understand they're just using him.
I've got to go save my son!
I've got... to go save... my son.
Yeah, that one's it. I've got to go save my son.
Where are you taking us?
A place where we like to dump dead bodies.
[ Men Laughing ]
## [ Singing ]
What rhymes with "drinking"? Thinking? Uh-huh. That's good. I gotta write that down.
Get ready, fellows. We're almost there.
Fine. You can kill us. I just thoughtyou were better than this.
What areyou babbling about?
I mean, wasting your time on some small-town housewife and her daughter?
Taking the scraps the real Mafia leaves behind?
You betterhave apoint, lady!
You aren't living up toyour potential.
Neitherwas I until I saw my daughter's movie.
So I made more of my life. And so can you!
Four Legs, you said you wanted to steal that orphan money from First National.
- Why not do it? - Mom!
Areyou kiddin'? That bank is a fortress.
Plus, it's not handi-accessible.
You can pull it off!. What doyou say?
To First National Bank!
[Tires Screeching]
You're not second-class citizens.
You deserve the same recognition and fame as everyone else!
You can do anything you want!
You can demand respect!
You are handi-capable!
[ Men ] Yeah!
- [ Gunfire ] - [ Both Gasping ]
- [ Moans ] - Don't die on me, damn it!
I got a gig at Hootenanny's in an hour.
That's that then.
## [ Alternative ]
So he attack-rolled a D-20.
Luckily, I had armor-class zero. So I didn't lose any hit points.
- Mmm. Armor-class zero. Uh-huh. - That's cool.
[Stan ] Hey, fellas. Killerparty.
So you got a band? A couple ofkegs? Righteous. Righteous.
[ Boys Chattering ]
Dad, what are you doing?
I gave myself a triple dose of steroids so you'd see I was telling the truth.
Boys this age are only interested in one thing. Oops! Boobs fell in the punch.
No! No! You guys are my friends.
Steve, I think there's some more soda in the basement. Why don'tyou go count it?
Don't worry, Son. They're not getting any. Your old man's just a tease.
So that whole time you knew theywere gonna fail?
Areyou kidding? That bank had to have at least a hundred steps.
- Sorry I underestimated you, Mom. - Thanks, honey.
What the hell?
No problem. Got it under control.
- Roger, what areyou doing? Is that gasoline? - Mm-hmm.
Windex is just a Band-Aid. I realize that now.
There's only one way to win the war on dirt in this house.
[Siren Wailing]
You were right, Dad. The guys only liked me for my body.
Hey, you're a smart boywith a lot more to offer than just a nice pair of meat balloons.
I'm sorry I pushed you to be popular.
I just wanted you to have a better time in high school than I did.
But I was already having a good time with my friends.
Yeah, I guess you were. Those loser dorks are okay.
Thanks, Dad.
Bread sticks, courtesy oftable four.
Thanks, fellas. Thankyou. Wave to the nice men, Steve.
Not too eager, Son. Theyjust bought us bread.
They didn't let us take theJag out for a spin.
##[HeavyMetal]
##[Man Singing]
## [Fades ]
Have a great night.