##[Marching Band]
## [ Singing ]
## [ Continues ]
## [ Chorus Singing]
Here we are, Steve. The most important building in the world.
- You excited? - For my eight billionth installment...
of"Look How Awesome My Dad Is"?
- How could I not be? - You couldn't. I was just making conversation.
Hey, check this out. I'll kill you!
[ Laughs ] You totally flinched!
Lovely.
[Chatter]
- [ Machine Buzzes ] - Look, I'm a skeleton!
No, no, I'm an obsessive Oingo Boingo fan circa 1 985.
## [ Singing ]
# # [ Continues ]
[ Machine Buzzing ]
Hey, Donny, tell my son about the guywho tried to sneak...
a lipstick camera past the XR-21.
I accidentally shot him.
Yeah, you did. It's called justice. And it was hilarious.
Lookwho's here. Steve, want me to teach you some dolphin chatter?
You've already taught me how to speak dolphin.
- All they everwant to talk about is mackerel. - Nonsense!
The dolphins are great. [ Imitates Dolphin ]
[ Dolphin Calling ]
- Can we go home now? - Go home?
We haven't even played IdentityTheftyet.
- [ Grunts ] - [RubberSqueaking]
Look at me! I'm the dolphin-tank cleaner!
You save three seconds by not putting your clothes on him!
Steve used to really look up to me.
But now it's like he's not into me anymore.
Wow. That's really- really boring.
I'm serious, Roger. I'm opening up toyou here.
It's like my son's rejection is bringing up...
all kinds offeelings I don't understand.
Oh. Okay, uh-
Not sure what to say here.
Well, I'm offto petition my college for an Eskimo Studies program.
What? They don't have one?
I'm sorry, Stan. I'd love to helpyou.
But the Eskimos? Their plight? That's the real stuffhere.
- You care about the Eskimos? - Yeah, yeah. I love their pies.
Keep going. Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.
Areyoustillmoping about Steve?
Come on. He's just going through a phase.
It's like Steve is America...
and you're Arrested Development.
It doesn't mean you're bad. It just means he's not interested in you.
I'm thinking about canceling our biweekly trip to the Franklin Mint.
Oh, let's not overreact. Just ask him.
- [Doorbell Rings ] - I'll get it!
- Go on. - Steve, doyou still want...
to go to the Franklin Mint this weekend?
The new Clara Peller commemorative plates are in.
"Where's the beef?" [ Laughing ]
Good question. Where was that beef?
- Nobody knew. - Oh, my God!
The Franklin Mint! Yeah, I'd rather die.
Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch.
Great. It's the fat one.
- That's a doormat, Barry. - Who's Matt Barry?
God, I hate you so much!
- Mom, can Barry stay for dinner? - If it's okaywith his parents.
Oh, theywon't care. They never care.
- Good people. My kind of people. - [ Watch Beeps ]
Eh, time to take myvitamin.
May I have a glass ofwater?
Fatty can use the garden hose!
How could the dean give our Eskimo Studies money...
to the stupid Fraternity Council?
- It's all political. I hate it. - Fraternities.
Bunch oflazy, immature guys getting drunk...
on every kind ofliquor known to man.
I mean-
Hi, can you please help me? I'm not drunk.
Stan, why don'tyou tell one of...
your exciting Grenada stories...
that everyone loves, including Steve.
Oh, nobodywants to hear any of my stupid stories.
- You were in Grenada? - Barry, don't encourage-
Why don't you pull up a couple of chairs?
October 30. We were pinned down by the enemy.
And I'd just learned Johnson was going to...
the U.S.O. Halloween pageant as Ms. Pac-Man...
which meant I had less than 24 hours...
- to come up with a whole new costume. - [ Gasps ]
Well, now I've done that. Steve?
Hey, aren'tyou supposed to be at the Mint with your father?
Isn't it great? I guess he finally figured out...
I don't care about his stupid commemorative plates anymore.
They're here! The new plates are here!
We got 'em! [ Laughing ] We did it.
Oh. You two went to the Mint together?
- Sure did. - Barry has a knack for it too.
He can spot the difference between a plate and a platter.
You either know that oryou don't. It's like sexing a chicken.
You hear that, Steve? Your dad knows my name.
My name is Barry! And he knows that!
Uh, yeah. That's great.
So, Barry, want to wind down bywatching...
the best movie ever, Red Dawn?
I'm Barry!
Red Dawn? Dad, I thought that was our thing.
Oh, you're offthe hook, Steve. I know you never bought into the whole Nicaraguans...
Russians and Cubans invading Colorado thing.
Besides, I've got Barry now. I don't need you, per se.
- You don't need me? - "Per se," Steve.
Geez, doesn't anyone appreciate Latin anymore?
Well done, Barry.
[Stan ] The cougar, wolves, killersalmon.
And I thinkyou'll be surprised to see what creature...
was number one in my "Enemies of the Bear" collection-
man.
- [ Watch Beeps ] - Time for myvitamin.
I should run home and get more.
- You don't need those. - [Bottle Clatters ]
Your little candy pills won't makeyou live forever, will they?
- Will they? - What areyou guys doing in here?
- Oh, hey, Barry's friend. - Dad, you said ifl ever set foot in the commemorative-plate room...
you'd send me to military school.
And you also said that this room has a maximum capacity oftwo.
Way to remember mywords, Barry.
So, Steve, I guess we'll, uh...
just, uh, seeyou at dinner then.
[ Whispering ] Don't look at him.
##[Rock]
No frat parties harder than we do.
Lastyear, one of our pledges drank himselfto death.
At his funeral, everybody got laid.
Hey, what's that guy doing?
- [Man ] Oh, that's a kegstand. - [ Gulping ]
Gets the beer into your system faster.
- [ Bottles Crunching ] - I'm sorry. I was just overcome with joy.
Anyway, you mind if I, uh-
[ All ] One, two, three, four-
307, 308, 309! [ Cheering ]
[ All Cheering ]
About an hour ago, I heard somebody mention chili fries.
- What's happening with that? - [ All ] Roger! Roger!
Roger! Roger!
[ Crickets Chirping]
[ Sighs ]
- [Switch Clicks ] - There you go.
- Bunk beds. - Dad, what are you doing?
- Prepping your room for the sleepover. - Hey, Steve.
My Spider-Man shirt!
Told you he wouldn't mind. All right, boys, good night.
- Reveille at 0700 tomorrow? - 0700?
How about okay!
You scamp, I loveyou!
Thanks toyour dad, I don't need myvitamins anymore.
Okay, Barry, I've had enough. Time foryou to go home.
- Go home? - Yes. Go home.
Just cut off my shirt and leave!
[ British Accent ] I don't think so, Steve.
I like it here.
Yourvoice, i-it's different.
Yes, lots ofthings are different now.
You see, your father and I get along quite well.
- [ Fly Buzzing ] - He likes me and I like him.
- [ Fly Buzzing ] - And no one- I mean no one-
- [ Buzzing ] - is going to stand in the way of our friendship.
Sojust shutyour skinny mouth...
get in the bottom bunk...
and go to sleep.
That fly- I-It just crawled in your-
Get in the bottom bunk, Steven, and...
go to sleep!
- [ Springs Creaking ] - [SinisterLaughing]
[Farts ] Thatshouldbe withyou momentarily.
You don't understand. He- He's crazy!
He- He was talking like Gary Oldman.
And he made me sleep under the bed!
And then a fly crawled in his mouth and- and he ate it!
He- He ate the fly!
He- It went- He just ate it!
Well, you tell Barry not to fill up on junk.
- I'm making tacos for dinner. - Hey, hey! There he is!
## [ Humming ]
- You look great, champ! - I took a shower.
Boy, that bathroom is so clean, Mrs. S.
How doyou find the time to still be so pretty?
Oh, Barry, please. I look terrible.
Stan, could we stop by church on the way to breakfast?
Before I take my first sip ofO.J....
I like to take a big gulp ofJesus.
- You bet, slugger. [ Growls ] - [ Giggles ]
Oh, I'm heading to church for Bible study.
Mind ifl catch a ride?
- Ooh. - Hey.
Uh, Steve, would you mind opening the door for us?
Yes, I mind. You have to believe me.
There's something wrong with Barry- something evil.
Fine, I'll open the door.
When we get to church, nobody pray for Steve.
So then Doggerwas, like, "Man, who vomited on my bed?"
And I was, like, "Dogger, not only is that...
not vomit, that's not a bed."
[ All Chuckling ]
[ Chanting] Beerbreath andbloodshot eyes...
are not things to subsidize!
Beer breath and bloodshot eyes...
- are not things to subsidize! - Let me handle this.
Ladies, ladies, the dean gave us...
that money fair and square.
Yes, but not so you could blow it on parties and alcohol!
- Yeah, that's right! Tell him, Hayley! - Yeah, I know!
- That's right! Yeah! - Yeah!
- Listen, you girls like studying different cultures, right? - Uh-huh.
Well, we're a culture. A gender-and-ethnic-exclusionary hierarchy.
Maybeyou should study us. Say tomorrow night? At the house?
- That sounds fair. - He makes a good point.
- I'll tell the Eskimos. - Wait! Don't go!
We need to stay the course!
- This isn't over, Roger. - I know. We just made plans for tomorrow.
Weren'tyou listening? Ho!
I don't know what's gotten intoyou, Barry.
But this is my family, my house and-
[ Sobbing ]
Whoa, whoa, Barry. I- I didn't mean to-
No, no, you're right.
It- It's just that your dad is so great.
And I wanted to have a dad like that. And I feel bad.
And so I madeyou a sandwich.
Oh, well, thanks. [ Nervous Chuckle ]
Why areyou using oven mitts for a cold sandwich?
I'm pretending they're pockets.
Hey! That's my dad's Tara Reid collector's plate.
You can't touch that. You know how much that'll be worth...
in a few months when she's dead?
[Plates Crashing]
- That sounded like- - My porcelain!
[ Gasps ] No!
Theywere innocent!
What plate will commemorateyou?
Who would do such a thing?
- I don't know. - What ifwe dust for prints?
Of course. Barry, that's it. To the crime lab!
- [ LaserWhirring ] - Wow, Stan!
The crime lab turned out great.
[ Beeping ]
Dad, there's got to be millions ofsuspects in that database.
- It's gonna take forever. - [Beeps ]
We've got a match. A picture ofthe culprit is now on my monitor.
Now I just have to turn my head...
slightly to the left and-
Steve!
- Why, Steve? Why? - What? I didn't do it.
Well, yours are the only fingerprints on there.
Oh, my God!
The oven mitts! It was the oven mitts!
I think he's dangerous.
He told me he's been strangling cats foryears.
- I did not! He's just- - Look out!
He's got a gun!
Oh, my God! What's happened to our son?
I think it's time for a little tough love.
[ Groaning ]
- [ Engine Starts ] - Oven mitts!
[ MachineryWhirring ]
- [ Metal Clanks ] - [ Electricity Crackling ]
- [ Cable Snaps ] - [ Both Grunt ]
Listen up! You boys are here becauseyou require punishment!
Unusual punishment that at times will border on the absurd!
Sir, um, where arewe?
Well, we ain't at a Denny's in Tucson...
trying to convince the waitress it's our birthday!
We're on an oil rig in the Atlantic.
Tryto escape and you'll be met with deadly sharks and sniper fire!
Do as you're told, and you'll find this a very safe environment.
- [ Metal Clangs ] - [ Screaming ]
You can do this, Gary. Your time is now.
All right! Maggots to the barracks!
- [ Metal Clangs ] - [ Screaming ]
- More tea, Lady Harrington? - Why, thankyou.
[ Both Shouting ] Wolverines!
[ Screaming ]
- My Puffalump! - Leave it!
This is great, Barry. Steve isn't interested...
in playing Red Dawn with me anymore.
- I'm sorryyou wasted 1 4 years of your life with him. - [Francine ]Stan?
I need some furniture moved while I vacuum!
Sorry, champ. Playtime's over.
- But- - Wife comes first, pal.
[ British Accent ] Oh, Francine is first...
on my list... to kill.
My name is Barry.
- Thankyou. - [ Metal Squeaking ]
- [ Hissing ] - What's wrong with these kids?
They all seem so slow.
Line up, munchwads! Time foryour pills!
- What pills? - The ones that retard your aggressive criminal minds!
Wait a minute.
Retard.
Time to take myvitamin.
That's it! Barry stopped taking his meds! He's unretarded!
Don't take that! It turns you into one ofthem!
Thanks, but ifyou touch me again, I'll cutyour nipples off.
- Hey, there's a reason I'm here. - My family's in danger.
I got to get home!
So this family ofyours, do they, uh...
I don't know, have nipples?
## [Rock]
Girls, put those drinks down.
We're supposed to be studying this elitist subculture.
You've lostyour objectivity.
We're not objects, Hayley. We're women.
Hear me- [ Retches ]
- [Splashes ] - Listen up, Hayley.
There's nothing wrong with a good time.
Try talking to one ofthe bros. You might enjoy it.
Never. You hear me? Never!
Well, that's a shame, 'cause fraternities...
really do represent virtue...
charity and brotherly love.
Now, ifyou'll excuse me, I'll be playing foosball in the rape room.
[Wood Creaking]
[ Gasps ] Barry, what are you-Where's Francine?
[ British Accent ] Uh, someplace she can't get between us anymore.
[ Groans ] Move over, Stan. You're freezing.
- What did you do, you little- - Uh-uh. But sinceyou're up...
what doyou saywe go downstairs for a little game?
- Your-Yourvoice. - Soothing, isn't it?
Sweet and terrible like a madman's lullaby.
- [ Boys Whistling ] - Ifany ofyou...
were thinking about breaking into a musical number, think again!
I'm the only one who sings on this rig!
## [ Singing ]
## [ Continues ]
- ##[Continues] - This is our chance. We're busting out ofhere.
Time to play IdentityTheft.
- [ Grunts ] - Wow!
## [ Singing ]
She's all yours.
## [ Continues ]
- And now to lower the speedboat. - [ Clicks, Klaxon Blaring ]
[Man On Speaker]Alarm button next to the speedboat-lowering button pushed!
- Let's get out of here! - [ On Speaker]Alarm button...
- next to the speedboat-lowering button pushed! - [ Guns Cocki ng ]
[ I m itating Dolphin ]
- What are you doing? - Quick! Through here!
[ Creaking ]
There's no way out! We got you surrounded!
- Let go! - [ All Screaming ]
[ Bubbling ]
All right, kids are dead. Back to work!
[ Cheering ]
- That was amazing, Steve. - How'd you learn to do all that?
- Um, my dad taught me. - Cool!
- Very cool. - Yeah, I guess it is.
[ Imitating Dolphin ]
[ Dolphin Calling ]
- Well, lookwho stayed over. - Leave me alone, Roger.
I'm already ashamed.
Ashamed I turned my back on the Eskimos.
You sure turned your back on me last night.
That's Tuk-Tuk. Good bro. Good for the house.
[ Groans ]
Well, ifI'm gonna be any fun at the luau tonight, I better hit the sack.
Uh-uh. No, you don't. Brothers sleep. Pledges clean.
E- Excuse me. Clean?
Yeah. After a house party, pledges spend the day cleaning up.
[ Hawking ] Why don'tyou start by cleaning that up, bitch?
Tired of getting spanked by dudes anyway.
- Uh-oh. - Go ahead. Play the card.
But it'll send you back to start.
- I'm familiarwith the rules, Stan. - But-
- [ Gun Cocking ] - Playyour card!
- [ Neighing ] - All right, Barry! The jig is up!
- Steve, you're a jockey! - Had to play IdentityTheft to get home.
Had to do a lot ofthings you taught me to get home.
- I'm sorry I thoughtyou were lame, Dad. - That's okay, Son.
- [ Grunts ] - Time to takeyour pill!
You're not in any position to be calling the shots, Steven.
I'm the one holding the gun.
Sure, you could kill me with your gun.
But areyou willing to try something much more elaborate and unnecessary?
Your antipsychoticvitamin is in one ofthese glasses.
You choosewhich one, then we both drink.
- Delightful. - Careful, Steve! He's as mad as he is fat!
I'll just make my decision based upon what I know aboutyou.
You escaped the work camp, so I knowyou're cunning.
I also knowyou're shy, farsighted...
Grumpy in the morning- I knowyou've seen The Princess Bride.
- You're stalling. - And I knewyou were going to say that.
I know you're a handful at boy-girl parties. Your name backwards is Nevets.
And your aim at the urinal is...
shall we say, less than accurate.
- Areyou gonna choose a glass? - Yes, I choose this one!
Thanks for driving me home, Mr. Smith.
We're going faster than people!
Quiet, fatty, fat, fat, fatty!
Sorrywe sent you to work camp, Son.
Barry really pulled one over on us. How'd you know he'd pick the right glass?
[ Speaking Like Barry] I put vitamins in both.
I found this on the floor.
[Stan ] Man, I'm gettinghungry.
Hey, let's go dig upyourmother so she can make us breakfast.
Bye! Have a great time.