##[Marching Band]
## [ Singing ]
## [ Chorus Singing]
## [All Singing]
## [ Continues ]
- Time for cake. - I get the piece with the rose on it. I called it. You heard.
- Mom, cut me an end piece! - How can you even think about eating that cake?
Doyou realize how many innocent cows were raped...
or as you say "milked," to make that cake?
Shut up, Hayley. Come on, Francine. Make a wish.
Why bother? A wish is like a dream...
and mine died years ago.
I have a wish. I wish Francine would buy me something other than Coppola wine.
Tastes like beard hair and Sofia sweat.
Oh, yeah? Then getyour own damn wine!
And, Klaus, you want a rose? Here's your rose!
And here's your end piece, Steve. Don't forget to chew.
Don't worry. There's plenty left for the rest ofyou!
Wow. She really seems unhappy.
Well, whatever makes her happy. It's her birthday.
Dad, it seems like every birthday she gets more depressed.
- [ Coughs ] - You okay?
Mm-hmm. And what did Mom mean that her dream died?
I don't know. I thought her dream had to do with a muffin kiosk.
Whatever happened to that?
[ Woman On TV] Here's your room key. And please, have a-
[ Man On TV] Can I helpyou folks with your bags?
- [ Tape Rewinding ] - Here's your room key. And please, have a-
Can I helpyou folks with your bags?
Broughtyou a dustpan of cake. Whatyou watchin', honey?
[ Sighs ] Just an old TV show I had a bit part on.
I didn't knowyou were on TV.
So the diamond smuggler is posing as an optometrist?
[ Gasps ] That's KateJackson and Bruce Boxleitner!
You were on Scarecrowand Mrs. King?
Hi. Mr. and Mrs.Jones checking in.
Boxleitner-what a pro.
Here's your room key. And please, have a-
Can I help you folks with your bags?
That's George Clooney. You were in a scene with George Clooney?
Yep. He interrupted me and stole my big moment...
and then went on to be a big star.
A big star, huh?
Okay, I still need to drop Stan's shirts off at the cleaners, buy some-
- Francine! Francine! Overhere! - What the-
Over here. Francine, give us a smile.
Who are you people? Get away from me!
- Who designed your dress? - What brand of tampons are you buying?
- Is it trueyou're dating Usher? - [ Reporters Clamoring ]
Get in!
- Damn vultures! - Who are they?
Paparazzi I hired to followyou. Leave her alone, you animals!
Stan, what the hell is going on?
This is your dream, right? To be a star.
Stan, I gave up on all thatyears ago.
I have a new dream now.
You wanna know what it is? You reallywanna know?
- Eh. - My dream...
is to destroy George Clooney-
that arrogant, overrated, memo-writing bastard!
He's not even an actor!
He just does the same cheesy move every time.
Looks down, then looks back up squinting underneath his eyebrows.
And everybody's buying it!
[ Panting ]
God, if I just had the chance...
I know exactly how I'd bring him down.
You see, Clooney's never fallen in love.
It's always a fling here, a fling there.
Well, I'd make him fall in love with me.
And then I'd break his heart...
and watch him cry until his eyeballs bleed.
Francine, I'm sorry, but that's the craziest...
most unsettling thing I've ever heard in my entire life.
- And we're totally gonna make it happen. - Oh, Stan...
I can't believeyou're helping me make my dream come true.
Anything to seeyou happy again.
Now, ifyou're going to seduce and destroy Clooney...
we have to go to him.
According to my intel, he starts production tomorrow on a new movie called Dr. Love.
He plays a brilliant heart surgeon.
Let me guess. The only heart he can't heal is his own.
Look at that. Word forword.
That knuckle-dragging son of a bitch!
- Y'all done with that? - [Pilot] We are nowbeginning our descent into Prague.
[Stan ]And now George Clooney begins his descent into hell.
[ Pilot ] Please putyour seat backs and tray tables in the upright position.
[ Stan ] Please put George Clooney's heart in the-
in the- in the sad right position.
Should have ended with that whole descent into hell thing.
Thank God. Our hotel room. I can't wait to I ie down.
What is this?
This is Operation Tears of a Clooney.
Francine, meet Raina Markovitz, former assassin for the K.G.B.
- Raina, when did you have a baby? - I didn't.
This economy is terrible. I'll be running the war room and doing freelance wet nursing.
- Stan, what's going on? - Francine, we're here to break George Clooney's heart.
This is war, and no war is won...
- without a crack squad of murderers and thieves. - [Man Clears Throat]
And rapists. Sorry, Franz.
Thankyou.
Boy, when Mom and Dad get back from their trip...
they're gonna be pissed you turned the swimming pool into a vineyard.
All done, Mrs. Smith. Fifty grapevines and 1 2 tons of soil.
Great.Just charge it to my Costco account.
Sure. You'll be glad to know that a portion ofyour purchase...
goes to help foster children in the greater Lang-
You lost me at "help." Now to plant myvineyard.
[ Panting ]
Explain these foster thingies.
Foster children? You know, wayward children taken in by families.
When you say "wayward," I hear "eager."
And when you say "children," I hear "migrant workers."
Roger, what in the hell areyou-
[ Coughing ]
You should get that cough checked out. Costco has doctors now.
Just check in with the lady who hands out the apple sausage.
- [Machine Beeps ] - As you can see, Mrs. Smith...
we are positioned directly across the street from Clooney's hotel.
[Francine ]Are theybuilding a basketball court in his hotel room?
Clooney has it written into all of his movie contracts.
What do the Coen brothers see in him? [ Grunts ]
Stan, we've arranged foryou to be Clooney's bodyguard.
- So you can be our man on the inside. - Excellent.
- So when do I start wooing Clooney? - [Man ]So na�ve.
Francine, meet Sergei Petkov, Europe's greatest serial killer profiler.
I've enlisted him to help you get inside Clooney's head.
After much analysis, I've determined...
three crucial truths about Clooney.
First, though he has never fallen in love, he believes in love at first sight.
- How doyou know that? - I found a quote ofhim saying so on Google.
Can I just say hooray for Google? It's made myjob so much easier.
- [ All Murmuring Agreement ] - It's the best search engine around.
Second, Clooney is completely in love with himself.
Therefore, you must become him.
We have experts who will helpyou master his interests.
From practical jokes to potbellied pigs...
to motorcycles, to golf...
- to speaking Italian. - Ciao, bella.
The final key to Clooney is resisting his charm.
Men and women alike find it irresistible...
and kiss his ass until they are sucked inside.
But ifyou stay out ofhis ass...
hewill pursueyou until he is all theway upyours.
Here is diagram.
[Metal Clanking]
That's right, foster children. Hard work builds character.
- Water break, boss? - Oh, honey, don't call me boss.
That makes me feel like some kind of monster. Call me dad.
- Water break, Dad? - No.
Roger, I am sick of sharing the house with all these foster kids.
- This is over! - Samantha. Megan.
Steve, meetyour new personal assistants.
Ladies, take a memo. "Boing!"
Sincerely, Steve Smith. Dictated but not read.
[Phone Rings ]
Hello. Hold on.
Hayley, it's Dr. Kirkland from Costco.
[ Coughing ]
Hello. My test results.
[Man ] Entrare.
Excuse me, Mr. Clooney. I'm Stan, your new bodyguard.
Bodyguard? Who needs a bodyguard when I got the boys-
my best friends- migliori amici.
Now, how'd my boys like to try out the new motorcycles I bought 'em?
- [ Cheering ] - Yeah, all right!
Cloon-tang! Cloon-tang! Cloon-tang! Cloon-tang!
Oh. Cloon-tang. 'Causeyou get a lot of cleaver.
[Engines Revving]
[Banging]
[ Horn Sounding ]
How's his heart, Doctor?
- Better. - [Director] Cut!
- Brilliant, George. - [ Clicks Teeth ]
Hey, you! My boys just called me from a freighter headed for China.
- Was that your doing? - Uh, well, I-
That is the best practical joke ever.
It's even better than the time I switched Julia Roberts's fetus with a rat.
Sonogram comes back and she's all, "Huh?"
Stan, you are officially one of my boys now.
- Here. I gotyou a pipe. - Thanks, but I don't smoke pipes.
No one does. I'm bringing 'em back.
[ Electrical Cracking ]
- We'd all like to scratch our nose, Curtis. - Enough!
You cannot keep treating these kids likeyour personal-
- [ Sighs ] - Saveyour strength, Hayley.
Have some ofthe squash Rebecca made.
[ Rings ]
Hello. Hayley, it's the Make-A-Wish Foundation!
Hello. Wow. Soyou're patching him through right now?
Well,just hang in there, little darling. I'm pulling foryou.
- Whowas that? - Some sick kid. She sounded hot.
What the-
[ Snorts, Squeals ]
- Who areyou? - [ Speaking Italian ]
Wow, Cloon-tang. From the look on your face, I'd say that's love at first sight.
- Butyou probably don't believe in that. - No, Stan.
I do.
[Roger] Save those grapevines, kids. Come on.
Putyour Christmas buckets to use and keep the warm water coming.
Speaking of presents, thanks again for my meerschaum bent dimple.
And thankyou for my SerJacopo Flammata.
Girls.
Stop. The kids will freeze.
Hayley, it's too cold foryou out here.
I'm fine. I'm gonna beat this, you know.
Sureyou are.
[ Shivering ]
Hey, son, why don'tyou go inside and get some eggnog.
Oh, really? Thankyou.
Just halfa cup. I'm not that thirsty.
- Areyou sure it's her, Stan? - I'm sure.
I haven't been able to get her out of my head. I've never felt this way before.
- This is it. - Thanks, amigo.
Hey, you like the muttonchops? Bringing 'em back.
There she is.
- Hi, there. I'm George Clooney. - Mm-hmm.
- Here's your Guinness. - Guinness? That's my favorite.
Mine too.
##[Man SingingSoftly]
## [ Continues ]
[ All Cheering ]
## [Singing Fades ]
She's the first girl I've ever loved, Stan.
And when she comes over tonight, I'm gonna tell her.
I'm gonna give her my heart completely.
And if she rejects it, it'll kill me.
Who could rejectyou, amigo?
Hey, I ever tell you about the time I nailed Roseanne Barr?
Yeah, buddy, you did.
Tonight is the night. Let's wish Francine...
good luck in the final step ofher obsessive endeavor...
to destroy another human being!
- [All Cheering] - [BabyCrying]
[ Sighs ]
Finally, it's over.
No more pretending I like that smug jackass.
You were great, honey.
[ Groans ] And you can finally get rid ofthose hideous muttonchops.
I think I'll go shave 'em off right now.
Francine, I have surprise foryou.
I just had hidden cameras installed in Clooney's suite.
That wayyou'll always have video ofhim weeping like a little girl.
- Petkov. - [Knocking]
Wait! There is someone at Clooney's door.
Stan! What's he doing there?
Cloon-tang, I loveyou too much to let this happen.
- Francine's a fraud. - [ All Gasp ]
She's a housewife from Virginia out to hurtyou. Look.
Oh, my God. I can't believe it.
I almost had my heart broken. Butyou saved me.
Hey, bros before hos.
[Francine Screaming In Distance ]
Honey, I'm back. Turns out we didn't have any shaving cream.
So I took a tour of the Prague shaving cream factory...
figuring I'd get a free sample at the end, but I didn't.
That was a wild-goose chase. Oh, and I was thinking.
When you confront Clooney tonight, don't be surprised ifhe doesn't cry. He is an actor.
Bros before hos. Bros before hos. Bros before hos.
- Bros before hos. Bros before hos. - No.
- [Francine Exhaling] - Honey, I can explain. It's not how it looks.
Damn it, you got him all wrong, Francine. He's the greatest guy in the world.
He's taking me to his villa on Lake Como.
I didn't mean to fall under his spell. I'm only human.
[ Crying ]
I'm only human!
[Screaming]
- My chop! - You betrayed me, Stan.
And since now I'll never be able to break Clooney's heart...
I must kill him.
- No! - Let me go, Stan!
Sorry, Francine. You need to cool down.
And then tomorrow I'm shipping you back to the States.
In the meantime, I'm gonna go meet George.
He's at a mountaintop spa trying to clear his head ofthis crazy chick.
- [ Grunting ] - Oh, I mean you.
[ Screaming ]
And one, two, three. And one, two, three. And one, two-
Hey, this area is for vineyard personnel only.
We're from Child Protective Services.
We received a phone call that the children underyour care...
are being forced to work as your slaves.
Why, that's absurd. These children are merely playing...
Happy Fun Vineyard from Milton Bradley.
I promised God that ifl beat this thing...
I'd help save these poor kids from you.
[ Gasps ] Judas!
Come on, children. We're taking you far away from this man.
- [ Children Cheering ] - Hooray! We're gonna go home! But we don't have a home!
[ Grunts ] I letyou kiss each otherwhile I watched and this is howyou repay me?
My babies. My babies!
Who's gonna stomp on my babies?
Oh! Oh! This is swill. Yeah, take 'em away. They did a horrible job.
- [ Ringing ] - Hello. Oh, hey, Dad.
I wanted to letyou know that your mother is coming home tomorrow...
but I'll be staying a little while longer.
Francine! How did you-
[ Gasps ]
[ Car Horn Honking ]
[CarHorn Honks ]
## [ Woman Singing ]
[ Screaming ]
Well, I'd better run.
George Clooney's head is about to have a big opening weekend.
Wait. I've gone along withyou on this whole thing, no questions asked.
But now I gotta know. What the hell, Francine?
What is this about? I hate Susan Sarandon, but you don't see me cutting off my hand.
I just cut my hair different for a while.
What is this about?
Just look at that- [ Bleeps ] with cucumbers on his eyes! Not a care in the world.
No making school lunches, no grocery shopping, no cleaning the house...
no one depending on him all the time.
Oh, God. This isn't about some unfulfilled dream.
You're having a midlife crisis and you're taking it out on a future senatorfrom California.
Midlife crisis? Wait. Future senator?
I will- [ Bleeps ] chop his head in two!
Francine, don'tyou see? Sure, Clooney has no cares, no one that depends on him...
but he has no one that depends on him.
Butyou, you have a family, a son, a daughter-
And a husband who took a sabbatical from work, moved to Prague...
and hired mercenaries to help his wife seduce another man.
- You probablywould have let me sleep with him. - Of course. I assumed you did.
[ Both Laughing ]
I'm the luckiest girl in theworld.
You know, I actuallyfeel sorryfor him.
He'll never know this kind ofhappiness.
Let's go home.
- Honey, haveyou seen my garment bag? - Right here. Doyou have my hand?
Yeah, it's in the cooler by the door.
I'll be right back. I... have some unfinished business.
[Knocking]
Stan, my boy.
I can't bump, George.
What's wrong?
- I'm leaving. - What doyou mean? Where?
- I'm leaving you, George. - What?
[ Chuckles ] You almost had me.
- It's like the time I told CathyZeta her mom killed her- - I'm notjoking!
I'vejust got other priorities.
Butwe'll still be bros, right?
Whatever it is, we can make itwork.
- I'm sorry. - Stan, I can change!
It's notyou, George. It's me.
[ Sobbing ]
Oh, Stan, this is the best birthday present you've ever given me!
Hey, that's right. Look at that. It's after midnight.
Happy 40th birthday, honey.
[ Sobbing Continues ]
Bye. Have a beautiful time.