- Hang in there. You're gonna beat this. - We're rooting for ya.
Remember: terminal, fatal, inoperable... Just words.
- Hole punch is mine! - Dibs on his medical marijuana!
Don't you want some of Fred's stuff? It's not contagious.
- I'm getting the biggest prize. - His wife?
His job. I've been working Bullock for that promotion since Fred's first nosebleed.
Here are the invitations to the annual CIA family carnival.
It's a top-secret gathering, so memorise the time and location...
Done.
The invitations will self-destruct in three seconds.
Still better than my wife's cooking, eh?
I'm pooping blood tonight.
Is there any other announcement you wanna make?
Perhaps something about me taking over for ol' high white-cell count Fred?
It's in the works. In the meantime, I have an urgent mission for you.
Whatever it takes, sir.
Real urgent mission.
That's Bullock. Two I's.
God, it's so beautiful out here I wanna weep.
Yeah. Look, Jeff, I have bad news. This is a break-up hike.
What? But, but we're so good together.
No, we're not. You never challenge me. You just always agree with me.
You're right. I so do that. But I can change.
- No, you can't. - You're right. Let's get married.
- Goodbye, Jeff. - Good call, babe. You can do better!
It's just a CIA carnival. Why are we folding napkins?
Because there'll be food and my boss likes to wipe his mouth on swans.
- What the hell is this? - Metrosexual soccer icon David Beckham.
I can't do swans. I don't know why.
If the whole CIA is at this carnival, who's out there undermining democracy?
The FBI pulls a double shift.
When we get there, keep your liberal pie-hole shut. My promotion depends on it.
Honestly, what does Hayley have to do with you getting a promotion?
It should be enough you're good at yourjob.
Yeah, it should. But we don't live in Shouldland.
Shouldland, where clean-cut kids cruise Shouldland Boulevard,
and the Shouldland High team gets their asses kicked
by their cross-town rival, Reality-Check Tech.
We're going to the carnival.
Oh, cool. A germ-warfare booth!
No way, mister, I don't want you coming home with anthrax, like last year.
- Aw, Mom. - Quit coddling the boy.
Just sprinkle a little Cipro on his hot dog. He'll be fine.
Come on, sweetheart. Don't be afraid.
You're worthless! Clear!
What have we here? Secret White House bunker?
Secret Halliburton bunker? Satan?
This is Dick Cheney's BlackBerry.
Everyone knows the CIA invented crack and introduced it to the inner city,
but what we never get credit for is malt liquor.
Yes, that was us.
Attention! The boring-suit contest is about to begin.
Oh, no! Keep walking, keep walking.
Deputy Director Bullock, you're looking well.
Sir, you remember Hayley, my son's sister.
Of course. I'm surprised they let you through security.
I guess those scanners can't detect half-baked political ideology.
You're lucky. As a cockroach, you'll survive the nuclear war
you're working so hard to incite.
- I've already forgotten what she just said. - That's right, run along.
Go play Ultimate Frisbee with your drum circle and leave politics to the adults.
You know, I actually don't play Frisbee.
I guess the CIA got their intel wrong - again.
Come back here, I want you to call my boss and apologise.
Like hell I will. That fascist started it!
I love the passion in her performance.
Unbelievable. I'm this close to a promotion
and our darling Squeaky Fromme decides to assassinate my career.
I wasn't sure about the Fromme reference,
but it's a smartjoke and the fans have come to expect that from us.
Stan, according to Hayley, Bullock was being a real jerk.
- Why didn't you stand up for her? - He's my boss.
Know how much butt kissing it'll take to undo this?
- This scene really sets up the key conflict... - What the hell are you doing?
Pretending my life is a DVD and it's the director's commentary.
It's something to do while I'm waiting to die of fin rot.
I dreamt of Paris again last night.
Look what I found.
- Dick Cheney's BlackBerry. - Oh, my God, I smell shenanigans.
Gimme, gimme, gimme.
It's four o'clock in the bloody morning. Hello?
British Prime Minister Tony Blair?
- Speaking. - Guess what? Chicken butt!
Oh, sorry, Steve. I thought we were going down low.
- Morning, sir. I ran a few errands for you. - Oh, well...
I shined your super-large shoes, you stallion,
and I picked up your prescription of Viagra.
That's one lucky lady. Huh?
- Let me bring these in for you. - That's not necessary.
Hayley! Oh, you must have come over to apologise.
I mean, why else would you?
- You slept with my daughter? - To be perfectly honest,
neither of us did very much "sleeping".
Oh, God. You shot him! He's dead. Somebody help!
Don't shoot! I didn't see anything! I'm blind!
Oh, OK.
Smith? Are you OK?
No, I'm not OK. You slept with my dau...
Wait a minute. That guy wasn't blind. He saw my gun. Dammit!
- You slept with my daughter! - Dad.
You two should talk. Why don't I go find your pants?
- What the hell do you think you're? - Avery called to apologise for what he said.
We met for coffee and, well, I know it's crazy, but I like him.
He challenges me, and he has a huge...
Penis! I mean, Hayley. I was trying to cut you off before...
I was gonna say "heart", but, well, you shined his shoes.
Here we are. I hope this isn't a problem, old chum.
If you think I'm gonna stand by and let you...
Promotion! Your promotion - I think it's time we start talking seriously about it.
Really? That's great.
Oh, of course.
Oh, man. Cheney's BlackBerry. Here, call India.
It's ringing. It has one of those funny rings that goes "toot toot".
- Savages. - Hello? India? Yeah, it's Pakistan.
You know that nuclear peace treaty you sent over? Well, listen to this...
Yeah. Yeah, that's me wiping my butt with it.
Oh, oh. It is on. Meet me at the border at three o'clock.
Oh, and FYI, I'm punching a cow right now. That'll drive 'em crazy.
Hayley told me she's dating Bullock. Did you know about this?
I sure did. I'm gonna take my sandwich in the study.
Stan's sandwich is actually made of cardboard and glycerine.
It was made by Rick Baker and cost $70,000.
He's 40 years older than her and he's your boss.
Don't you think that's inappropriate?
I'll tell you what is: I once dated a woman who was ten months younger than me
and not my boss - and today that woman is my wife.
I love ya. I'm gonna take my sandwich in the study.
I know what this is about.
I may be blonde with great cans, but I'm pretty smart when I've had my eight hours.
You don't want to confront him till you've been promoted.
Old Big Boob Blondie's got it all figured out, huh?
I tell Bullock not to date Hayley, I can kiss that promotion goodbye.
I don't care. Either you talk to Bullock or I will.
- What do you want, Jeff? - I've been drinking all night
so I could get up the courage to tell you you're my woman.
- And I demand you come back. - No.
- OK. Bye. - See? This is exactly what I'm talking about.
You need to stand up for yourself. I want a man who's strong and decisive...
And can bust out a blistering flute solo? Three, four...
Oh, Hayley. That was the first time you lectured me about boundaries.
Mr S. You smell of Hayley.
The only reason you're not dead is cos I need you. I'm gonna turn you into a real man.
- The kind who can win back my daughter. - All right!
I thought a blanket party would do the trick, but I guess we'll have to do this the hard way.
- I have blood in my ears. - All right, Jeff. This is an apple.
OK?
- Once again. This is an apple. - OK.
You know what this is - be more assertive.
- Now, this is an apple. - No, it's not.
Oh, I'm sorry. Did you say "no"? Right. This is not an apple. Good.
- I can't breathe! - Plenty of air here. I'm filling my lungs now.
Mr Smith, please!
Real men stay calm under pressure, Jeff.
You only have five more minutes to learn that lesson. Two if you panic.
Are you familiar with a TV show called Fear Factor?
Well, today, you're going on a long car trip with Joe Rogan.
Ever do it with a stripper? They're psycho bitches.
- Get in. - No way!
I am not spending an entire afternoon with this polarizing figure. I'm going home.
Jeff, wait! Do you realise what you just did?
You stood up to me! Now you're the kind of man Hayley wants. Congratulations!
- What are you guys, homos? - No.
Good morning, Francine. Our little problem is taken care of.
Bullock and Hayley are on a fast train to Splitsville.
Thank you for taking care of it.
Oh, good morning.
Excuse us.
Stan, what is he doing here? And he's wearing Hayley's robe.
- God, I can see his junk. - Why hasn't Jeff made his move?
Forget Jeff. You were meant to talk to Bullock.
Say, do you perchance have any Gatorade? I left all my electrolytes with your daughter.
Francine, get out.
Do you know what I was thinking about while gazing at the back of your daughter's head?
Your promotion.
I've decided to make it official. I'll announce it before the Senate committee
and I want you to be there.
- Oh, my God. Really? - Congratulations, Smith.
I got the promotion, Francine!
Yes, but you lost my respect. You're not the man I married.
- You're not the man I married. - That makes no sense.
It doesn't have to. I got a promotion!
There they are. Do it, do it.
Hello, Israel? Yeah, this is your neighbour Syria.
Don't look! We'll get in trouble.
I know we got off on the wrong foot,
but I thought we could spend the day together at Six Flags Istanbul.
Yes, I'm serious. Don't you know I like you?
Yes, like like. Yeah.
Great. I'll see you then.
Dumb ass.
We now go live to the Senate floor.
Mr Chairman, it is with great pride that I announce
the new Deputy-Deputy Director of the CIA.
That's Hay-Hay's ring. Hey, Hay-Hay.
Are you watching me on the telly? I'll wave to you.
What? You can't mean that!
Who's Jeff Fischer?
But we're so good together!
Hayley! Hayley, no! Don't do this to me!
I'll die without you!
The senators are waiting, sir. Just say my name.
- With all due respect, sir, suck it up. - You'll get your promotion,
just as soon as you do one last thing for me.
I've picked up your laundry, I've polished your shoes,
I've done everything but bend over backwards, and my daughter did that.
What else could you possibly want me to do?
Kill Jeff Fischer.
Hey, Hayley! I'm getting a motorcycle.
So you'd better learn how to clean a motorcycle. End of conversation!
- Wow! Jeff's really changed. - Isn't it great?
I don't know what's gotten into him, but he's so strong and primal, like a caveman.
I wonder if he'll hit me? But only cos he loves me.
- And sometimes you do talk too much. - Yes, I do.
- We'll just tell people you walked into a door. - That's perfect. Thanks, Mom.
All right, listen carefully. If you care about Jeff, you'll dump him.
Get back together with my boss and everyone lives.
- Lives? - Never mind.
I know you never liked Jeff, but he's back in my life and you'll have to deal with him.
- Hayley! - I was never here.
Bob, can you tell me how to get back to the road?
Hello, Argentina? Is your refrigerator running?
No? Well, maybe you shouldn't have privatised your water and power department.
Hello?
- Oh, crap. - What? What's wrong?
Argentinajust star-sixty-nined us.
So, Stan tells me you're his hunting buddy.
Cool.
- Want me to unload the truck? - No need. Just put this on.
Cool.
- Is there's an animal behind me? - We haven't been entirely forthright.
You see, we're actually out here to hunt the most cunning prey of all.
- An otter? - Bigger.
A dolphin? No, that's stupid. We're in the woods.
A land dolphin?
We're gonna kill you! I'm sorry, but it was gonna take him forever.
You guys. Very funny.
Oh, God. You're not kidding. Please, don't shoot. Please!
Sir. Should we at least give him a head start?
Capital idea! We'll make a game of it.
You have 30 seconds. One, two...
- What's wrong with you? - Don't answer it!
No, this is perfect. If it's Argentina, tell them you're New Zealand.
Hello?
- Your father's trying to kill me. - What?
- Your dad and some bald dude. - Avery.
I stole their car to escape, but they're only a couple miles behind me.
- Then why stop? - It's an SUV. We've only got one planet.
Hurry! They're gonna kill me! Hang on a sec.
If I get the country scramble, can I get cinnamon toast, or is it extra?
- There's the car! - Finally.
Whoa, Nelly! Thanks for the lift, Smith.
I owe you a sugar cube.
- More coffee? - Quick, pretend you don't know me.
- I don't know you. - Oh, I'm sorry. Jeff Fischer.
Jeff Fischer! Let's go. Time to die.
- Jeff! - Hayley!
- Unhand her! - Leave him alone or...
No, Hayley. I don't need you to fight my battles. I'm assertive now.
Listen, dude...
Dad, do something!
- So what exactly is a frittata? - Dad!
Hey, I'm hungry. This guy rode me like an animal for three hours.
Do you have any idea what that's like?
- And now I'm not hungry. - Look, get this through your head.
We are over. I'm with Jeff now.
How dare you talk to me that way, you third-rate tart?
Sir, she is my daughter.
Silence, man-horse! This is between me and that filthy, cheap slut.
This is for treating me like a errand boy and delaying my promotion!
This is for disrespecting my daughter! And this is for not letting me stop for a drink!
This took three days to choreograph.
You will notice that the Asian cook
is the same man who was in the microfilm-eating contest at the CIA carnival.
A tragic story: the actor who was supposed to play the cook,
Jimmy Ng, was killed while driving to the set.
Everyone was devastated, but, you know, the show must go on.
We just missed the funniestjoke in the episode.
I'm sorry. I'll shut up now.
Any last words, Deputy Director?
Just two. You pass.
Bravo, Smith, bravo. I knew you'd prove your mettle.
You see, I staged this elaborate ruse just to test you.
I'm not sure I understand.
Take a closer look at these dim-witted, mountain-dwelling folk.
Actors! All a company of actors!
All acting under my direction.
You see, before promoting you, I had to be certain that you would stand up for Hayley,
for if you couldn't stand up for your daughter, how could you stand up for your country?
- Or something like that. - So none of this was real?
- No, sir. - But you're really hurt.
It would appear that way, but no.
- Props will be wanting this back. - But you wanted me to kill Jeff.
He was in on it too. Stand up and take a bow, Jeff.
Brilliant! You really believe he might have a severe spinal injury.
- Dad, you're not really buying all this? - Oh, poor Hayley, a mere pawn.
A necessary sacrifice to ensure our country promotes the best man possible.
Scene's over, dear. See you at the cast party.
I'll announce your promotion first thing Monday.
- Thank you, sir. - A massive success. My only regret?
I didn't get to jump through the breakaway glass I had installed.
I gotta say, Dad, I never expected you to defend my honour.
You know, Hayley, I guess by giving up what I thought was important
I ended up learning what really is important.
- You, kiddo. You. - Oh, Daddy!
This speech is completely out of character for Stan.
The network insisted that Stan "learn a lesson",
so we had to add this sappy ending.
It's very disappointing.