[Marching Band]
[ Singing ]
[ Continues ]
[Chorus Singing]
Snacks for the gun club.
I'll be backwith the drinks soyou can all get locked and loaded.
[ All Laughing ]
Funny.
- Did you save me a cookie? - You bet I did. Last one.
Oh, cookie, you look so good.
Shh, shh! Don't speak. I'll go get some milk foryour bath.
I can't believeyou're feeding those extremists...
from the National Gun Association- They're monsters!
Oh, sweetheart, don't be so dramatic.
Besides, aren'tyou having fun cooking with Mommy?
I'm not cooking with Mommy. Dad handcuffed me to the oven!
Well, ifitweren't for handcuffs and yourfather...
you wouldn't even be here, young lady.
What the- Hey, that was my cookie!
You snooze, you lose.
You snooze, you lose, huh?
Hmm. Okay. Eat up.
Eat... up.
Before we adjourn, let's recite the N.G.A. oath. Hold hands.
[ All Grumbling ] Come on. It's not gay. There's guns in the room.
[Together] We pledge to uphold the Second Amendment...
and use guns responsibly and in service to ourfellow man.
- [Glass Shatters] - [CarAlarm Wailing]
Hey, somebody stop that guy! He broke into my car and he stole my CDs!
[ Together] We pledge to act with swiftness...
our ears always open to the cries ofthose in need.
[Man ] Help! Help!
[ Together] We promise to be evervigilant, protecting our community from harm.
[ Man ] And now, Action 3 News brings you a breaking story...
with anchor partners Greg Corbin and Terry Bates.
- Good evening. - Our top story-
A carwas broken into on Cherry Street this afternoon- my car.
The suspect was 6 foot 2 and a bastard!
- Terry. - No, I work hard for my things!
Drinkyour tea. You wanna cut to commercial?
- Mm-hmm. - Let's cut to commercial.
GLOCK, 1 7 shots.
Pen-gun, mightierthan the sword.
Sword-gun, mightierthan the pen-gun.
AR-1 5, MK5, MAC-1 0, paprika.
That's weird. I use that pantry a lot.
And the paprika not enough.
I can't believe this house is teeming with guns. Guns kill.
Oh, guns kill. Is that right?
Well, let's see about that. Okay, gun, kill.
Go ahead. Kill someone. Don't be shy.
See? Guns don't kill people. People kill people.
Gun defend people against people with smaller guns.
- You're such a fascist. - Peace pusher!
- Murderer! - Hermaphrodite!
- Stan! - I'm swingin' wild, Francine!
Damn it! I'm tired ofyou always being at each other's throats.
You used to be best friends.
Both ofyou, in the living room now!
This is howyou two used to be.
Can I fly it?
Only ifyou promise you won't fly away.
- [ Giggles ] - Oop.
[HayleyGiggling]
[ Singing Together]
- Hey, this is our spot! Push on! - Areyou deaf? Push on!
[ Singing Resumes ]
Now, you promiseyou'rejust gonna watch it once and then erase it?
Yes. I justwanna seewhatwe look like.
The point is, therewas a timewhen you twoweren't always fighting.
Thatwas before I knew Dad was a gun-toting maniac.
- Beatnik! - Warmonger!
- Chupacabra! - I'm the Mexican bigfoot?
- You heard her. She admitted it. - Enough!
Now, tomorrowyou two are going to spend the day together and reconnect...
or I am gonna lose it!
So help me, God, I will cutyour pretty faces.
- So, uh, tomorrow? - Yeah, yeah. Tomorrow.
Ach, that's the worst thing to happen to wine since the movie Sideways.
That's right, America. Come get me.
That sucks. Whywasn't I in any ofthose old familyvideos?
Well, that's 'cause all the footage was taken beforeyou were adopted.
What? What areyou talkin' about? I'm not adopted.
No, no. Of course not. That'd be silly.
You lookjust likeyour dad. Good night.
I'm gonna makeyou cry and dip my cookie in yourtears.
This is stupid.Just drop me off and pick me up in a few hours.
And risk getting my prettyface cut?
No, thanks.
Well, can you at least tell mewherewe're going?
Rememberthat amusement park wewent towhen you were a kid?
- You're taking me to Sugar Mountain? - You betcha, baby girl.
Thatwas the last placewewent together before I started to hateyou.
Ditto.
Firstwe'll take the Rainbow Gondola to Smile Hollow.
Then we'll eat some pixie doughnuts. Then we'll-What the-
[Hayley] N.G.A. Land? A gunpark?
Yeah, Sugar Mountain closed down years ago.
This is basically the same thing...
except instead of riding a choo-choo through Fairy Book Land...
you ride a bullet through a mugger's chest.
[Carnival Organ ]
[ Cheering ]
You come out the exit wound! Whee!
[ Carnival Organ ]
Oh, this place is awful!
Bumper Cartridges? The Splatterhorn?
Hey, at least they kept the petting zoo.
- [ Gunshot ] - [ Gasps ]
It's Ted Nugent's Kill 'N Grill.
It's his flagship eat-what-you-shoot restaurant.
[Electric Guitar]
I don't wanna kill the rabbit.
Well, you've got to kill something. We're not stopping on the way home.
Dad, this place is evil. They're trying to push guns on kids.
No, they're not. That's absurd.
[Man On P.A.] Boys andgirls, putyour tinyhands togetherforBobbythe Bullet!
[ Children Cheering ]
[Man On P.A. ] Uh-oh, kids. Who's that in the crowd?
- It's A. C.L. Lou! - Shh!
[ Together ] Boo!
What do we do, kids?
[ Together ] Shoot first. Ask questions later.
[ All Cheering ]
[ Groaning ]
You got me.
Yeah!
Hey, kids, listen to this.
[ Singing ]
Everybody!
- [ Children Cheering ] - [Continues Singing]
What's the meaning ofall this?
Oh, God, the N.G.A. directors.
Mr. Simms, Mr. Hobart.
Smith, is that your daughter?
Uh, yes, but don't worry.
I'll just put a silencer on her. Yeah, clever.
Guards!
Get away from me! This is a peaceful protest! [ Grunts ]
That'll come right out.
Thereyou go. This is working.
You can't kick me out ofthe N.G.A. I'm a lifetime member!
- [Gunshot] - Oh, my God!
Total deja vu right now. This is soweird.
You were right there, just like this...
and then I was overcome with crushing disappointment.
Oh, man, my card. Oh, ho!
- [ Groans ] - I asked Mom ifl was adopted, and she said no.
Well, what'd you think she was gonna say? She's in too deep.
But, hey, don't take myword for it.
I'm not in this one either. How can this be?
Look at little "Stevsie" sleep.
You snooze, you lose.
[ Laughing ]
This must be very painful foryou.
Come on, Hayley. The N.G.A. won't reinstate my membership unless you apologize.
- Yeah, right. When pigs fly. - Aha!
- [ Rings ] - Lab.
How we doin', guys? Did it work?
[Squealing]
Uh, we gotta call you back.
Look, the N.G.A. is the only thing in my life that means anything to me.
- Ahem! - What, areyou getting sick?
Don't come near me. I can't afford to get sick.
So, now thatyou know they're notyour real parents...
areyou gonna call them Stan and Francine?
No, I'm gonna call them Mom and Dad.
I'm still their son.
Oh, Stan, calm down.
As far as I'm concerned, we only have one child!
It's like someone left the other one on our doorstep.
[ Gasps, Sobbing ]
Oh, I just love it when crap lines up like that.
Mom? Dad?
[Francine ] Just take whatyou want andgo!
[ Gasps ]
Hayley, quick! Get the gun in the china cabinet!
[ Grunting]
[ Gunshot]
I- I shot him.
Murderer!Just kidding. You saved the family, kiddo. Pizza? Let's order pizza.
[Clattering]
- [ Sobbing ] - How's mylittle executionerholding up?
All my life, I've said guns were bad. I'm such a hypocrite.
Honey, he was robbing us...
- and he was gonna force himself on me. - He said that?
Well, no, but I assume.
What? You think I'm not attractive enough?
Thatwhat? That he'd just skip me and go straight toyou?
Well, aren'twe conceited.
Mom, I killed someone.
Sweetheart, you had no choice.
You saved the family.
Yeah, I did, huh? And with a gun.
I guess I owe the N.G.A. that apology.
[Laughter]
What the hell?
That's the burglar! Dad staged the whole thing!
Yeah, I get it, Hayley. I'm "unrapable," not stupid.
- You lunatic! - [ Gasps ]
You tricked us just soyou could get an apology out of Hayley?
Is your gun club that important toyou? And you!
You missed out, pal.
Dad! I thought I killed someone.
Aha! You thought you killed someone.
Before, you said guns kill, not people.
- [ Laughs ] I win! - Someone could have been hurt.
- Relax. They're just blanks. - Blanks?
Oh, hi, I'm Stan Smith. I think it's cool to trick my daughter.
Who cares if it scars herfor life?
I guess they weren't all blanks.
Dad! Help him!
Call a real ambulance!
The, uh, bullet is lodged in your spine...
and, I'm afraid, forthe rest ofyour life...
you'll be a quadriplegic.
Well, that sounds fancy. Come on, people. Souplantation on Daddy!
Daddy, I madeyou some soup.
Let it cool, 'cause it's much, much too hot.
- [ Screams ] - Oh, my God!
[ Laughs ] I got you! I can't feel a thing.
Hayley, why don't you get some sleep?
You haven't leftyour father's side in three days.
This was my fault.
Hey, don't worry about me. I'm still your same old dad.
What's that sound?
Oh, I'm peeing. Fantastic!
Hey, I found your real parents online.
Stan and Francine didn't adoptyou. They kidnapped you.
- What? - Yep, they nabbed you when you were three...
- from a boat show. - [ Gasps ]
That explains why I've always wanted a boat.
Well, thereyou go, Tom.
That's your real name. Tom Madsen.
Wow. Tom Madsen.
You know, the name Smith never felt right. It's not a seafaring name.
No, but Madsen- that's Norwegian. So, Tom...
- how'd you like to meetyour real parents? - [ Gasps ]
Thanks for pimpin' my ride, Hayley.
[ Blowing, Inhales ]
Whoo! A little light-headed. Did my streamers catch wind?
Um, yeah. Look, Dad, now that you can't work at the C.I.A....
haveyou given any thought to what you want to do with your life?
I sure have. I wanna make a difference. I wanna be an activist.
Really? Oh, that's great, Dad!
Thanks, honey. Come on over here and giveyour dad a hug.
Now let's go and have a little talk with those boys at the N.G.A.
- Right on! - Hey, Son.
Don't "Son" me, baby snatcher.
Somethin'on yourmind, champ?
Steve, what are you doing?
Something we've both wanted to do foryears, "Sis."
- Mmm! - [ Muffled Squealing ]
Oh, my God!
Everything that happens from this point on is just gravy.
My dad was paralyzed in a gun accident...
and he has something to say about it.
- Tell 'em, Dad. - I will, Hayley.
Gentlemen, my body is lifeless, but my brain still works.
And it's telling me to tell my mouth to tell you...
that I want to be a progun spokesman forthe N.G.A.
What?
Who betterthan me?
What's left ofmy spine tells thewhole story. Guns work.
Butyou were paralyzed by a gun!
No, I was paralyzed byyou.
Look, I'm not gonna point fingers here.
Because I can't. Because ofyou.
We already have a spokesman.
Actually, the kids never really did embraceyou, Bobby.
Butyou know what the kids did respond to?
- His daughter's music. - [ All ] Mm-hmm.
How about it, Smith? This Saturday is the No Child Left Unarmed Jamboree.
Ifyou and your daughter perform, you're our new spokesman.
- Yes! - No!
Dad, I'd do anything foryou, but this goes against everything I stand for.
Mmm, "stand."
That's okay. I respect howyou feel.
Mmm, "feel."
Okay, I'll do it.
Really? Yes! Victory lap!
Bobby, you're fired. Turn in the costume.
Never!
Whywould I wear a sailor suit to meet my real parents?
You were kidnapped at a boat show.
Your parents have a boat. They're rich.
- You want them to recognizeyou or not? - You're right. You're right.
Don't forget this curly blond wig.
- Whywould I wear a wig? - You're Norwegian.
Right, right.
Hmm, I'm stuck on these lyrics. What rhymes with ammo?
Empty shell ofa girl who's completely sold out hervalues?
No, I'm pretty sure it should end with an "O."
- [ Sighs ] "Blammo"? - Blammo. Good, good, good.
Look atyou two. Who would have thought guns would bring you so close together?
I know. If onlywe could get some guns to the Middle East.
- [ Sighs ] - [Doorbell Rings ]
Mr. Madsen? I'm Tom, your son.
Oh, my God. Tommy!
Is it reallyyou? Jane, come quick!
- Mama? - Thomas! You are alive!
All theseyears, we never gave up hope.
Gotcha! Those aren'tyour parents! That's fortaking my cookie!
- What? - Remember? "You snooze, you lose"?
You-You put me through all this...
j-just because I ate your cookie?
Dude, that is awesome!
You so got me!
Thanks. Thanks. There were a couple times when I didn't thinkyou were buying it.
Hey, I'm in a sailor suit. [ Laughs ]
Man, I should have known. These people aren't rich.
Look at their house. It's a box.
Oh, oh! Picture. Picture.
- [Rock Song Ending] - [Children Cheering]
[ Cheering Continues ]
Thankyou. That was "Suzy Shot a Unicorn."
- Look, kids, it's snowing! - [ Children Cheering]
- Hey, Santa! - [Rock]
[ Singing ]
[ Together]
[ Ends ]
[ All Cheering ]
Listen to that, honey.
The most beautiful sound in the world- kids screaming.
I'm glad you're happy, Dad.
Stan, I don't think Hayley's having as much fun as you are.
- What areyou talkin' about? - [Vomiting ]
Don'tyou see, Stan? She's miserable.
She's given up everything she believes in...
because she feels awful about hurting you.
I hateyou. You make me sick.
- I'm not seein' it. - Smith!
- The crowd demands an encore. - Come on, Hayley. You ready?
- Sure, Dad. - [ Children Cheering]
You suck!
All right, let's do "Ammo Blammo."
What's wrong? You missed your cue.
What's wrong? [ Sighs ] I was wrong. I can't makeyou do this.
- [ All Gasping, Murmuring ] - What areyou talking about?
I knowyou're only doing this because you blameyourselffor hurting me.
Butyou would never hurt me.
And ifyou didn't hurt me, that only leaves the gun.
Which means- Which means guns are bad.
This is a song my daughterwrote.
[ Singing ]
[Together]
Wow! Ifthe hot girl doesn't like guns, I guess I don't either.
Uh-oh, we're losin' 'em.
This is my chance to get myjob back.
[HayleySinging]
[ Fades ]
[ Inhales ]
[CrowdScreaming]
Dad! Oh, my God! He's been shot!
Hayley, tell Roger...
he's annoying.
Well, this time whenyou were shot-
Whoop! That's myX-ray-size vacation slide. Here we go.
See? The second bullet passed through your neck and pushed the first bullet out.
You should be completely ambulatory again.
What good is that to a man who has to spend...
the rest ofhis life in a chair?
[ Screams ] Doc, yourfork has magical powers!
- It's the bullet that saved you. - This is great!
We've gotta go back on tour and spread the word. Guns are good!
- What? - Without guns, I'd still be in a wheelchair.
Guns heal the sick.
[ Sighs ]
Did somebody order 40 c.c.'s of deliciousness?
We found goodies in the lobby.
WiffleWicks, Bittles, Grape Gum- Hey, you're in my seat.
Sorry. Early bird gets the worm.
Early bird gets the worm, huh?
Yeah, enjoy the seat.
Enjoy... the seat.
Have a great night.