Wanted a pool filed with cherryJell-O.
Well, in the end, l got it.
I got a lot ofthings on my rise to stardom-
Women, respect...
thatjoke about the 1 0-inch pianist.
I can 't believe l never got that before.
And I can't believe this all began just a few weeks ago.
Stars- they're just I i ke us.
Oh, here's T ara Reid buying a gallon ofvodka...
and a case of morning-after pills.
I drink gallons ofvodka! I should be a star!
Ah, what a good night's rest.
I had that wonderful recurring dream where...
I'm giving a lecture naked, and I'm a resounding success.
Now, how about a kiss? Good God, Francine! Your roots are showing!
I know. My hairdresser...
Iost his touch when he decided he was straight.
- Apparently, it is a choice. - Yes, it is.
Absolutely. Anyway, the only good hairdresser left is Mr. Beauregard.
But it's impossible to get an appointment unless you know somebody.
Butyou do know somebody, Francine. You know Roger.
Oh, wait. He's just a nobody.
Don't cry in front ofthe fish.
Morning, Steve. I packed your favorite lunch, P.B. and J.
With the crusts cut off and cherryJell-O!
Someday I'd like to have a swimming pool...
filled with cherryJell-O.
Anyway, Dad...
my English teacher, Mr. Durban, is your biggest fan.
- Can I getyour autograph for him. - Sure.
"To Mr. Durban. Keep on rockin'. Yours in Christ."
Dad, that's Steve's report card.
- What?
What doyou know? And I'm getting straight A's.
Well, that's great, sweetheart. Congratulations.
Hey, it's been a while.
Steve, how could you be failing English?
It's not my fault. My teacher hates me.
Hates you, huh?
Well, perhaps I need to pay Mr. Durban a little visit.
Well, what a nice visit.
Oh, Mr. Durban, the pleasure was all mine.
And thanks, Lynn, for the delicious maple scones.
Can we have another pony ride?
Oh-ho, no. This old horse has to get back to the stable.
Oh, uh, Mr. Durban. I almost forgot. I wanted to askyou-
- Why do you hate my son?
- Shut up! Don't look at me!
Get on the floor! You, get me more maple scones!
Why are you failing my son? Answer me, dirtbag!
He had his Japanese friend do his writing assignment. Look.
Oh, I see. Well, good night.
Good night, Lynn. Oh, don't get up, kids.
Seriously, stare at the floor and count to a hundred!
Go ahead, Eric. Be a hero.
That's what I thought, punk ass.
- What?
- I mean, why'd you cheat? - I'm sorry.
It's just creative writing is hard. I can't do it.
"Can't"? We don't live in "Ameri-can't," Steve.
We live in America. No.
No, no. No, wait. We live in American.
No, wait. That's not right. We are American.
Where-Where was l goin' with this?
Um, I said creative writing is hard.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Uh, perseverance, Steve. It's all about perseverance.
And ifl "Ameri-can't" teach you about it...
I have a friend who "Ameri-will."
Well, that sounded good. Had a bumpy start there, but I think I pulled it together.
Steve, meet Patriot Pigeon.
You wrote a children's book?
No, Steve, I wrote 3,01 2 children's books.
Each chronicling the adventures of Patriot Pigeon...
who battles America's enemies by dropping red, white and blue turds ofjustice.
Wow! So how many ofyour books have been published?
None. See that? That's over 1 0,000 rejection letters and counting.
- Gosh. I'm sorry. - I'm not.
You see, Steve, true success isn't about getting recognition or fame.
It's about never giving up. So what doyou say?
Have I inspired you to do that writing assignment?
- No. - How about now?
- That's the hand I write with. - That's negative thinking.
Hey, how about a story where a boy's hand...
is glued to a table and he slowly starves to death?
That's good stuff. Thanks,J.C.
Aw, I don't know what to write about.
Aw, I'm never gonna be a star.
People are never gonna see me in Us Weekly and say...
"Ooh, Roger... picks up a vase just like us."
- Ooh, Roger drops expensive vases just like us.
Oh, Roger- Roger starts to black out just like-
- Oh, Mr. Beauregard, I feel born anew.
Well, of course you do, darlin'. I use genuine human placenta.
That's where it gets its luster.
Mr. Beauregard, l- I would love foryou...
to put expelled uterine matter in my hair.
Hmm! Ifl wereyou, I'd takeyour hair behind the shed and shoot it.
- Ride, Montague.
Anything for me?
Just a postcard that says your hair looks like crap.
Hey, it's from me. What's this?
"P and QPublishing." Oh, good. Another rejection letter.
"Dear, Mr. Smith.
It is with great pleasure that we have decided to publish your book."
- What's goin' on? - I'm gonna be published! Oh, glorious day!
All those wasted years ofwriting finally have meaning.
What about all that stuff about not needing recognition?
Oh, that's what people say when they're dead inside.
Now, let's see which one of my Patriot Pigeon books they're publishing.
"Roger the Alien"?
- Hey, that's the story I wrote for English. - What?
You wrote a story about me?
I'll take that, Dad. Huh. Mr. Durban said he was gonna submit my story to a publisher.
So, it's not Patriot Pigeon Poops on Planned Parenthood?
A book about me?
I'm gonna be a star! Steve, you're the best!
Oh, my God, Stan! How upset are you?
Seriously, on a scale from one to pissed?
Oh, who gives a flying fig? I'm a star!
So now I was a published writer.
But mylife had become boring.
As boring as a bad metaphor... or a simile.
Whatever, I'm not a writer.
Got any ti ps for a young author?
Oh, I don't want to be recorded.
No, it's inspiring music to accompanyyour answer.
Um, just write something and it'll get published.
It's easy. Any idiot can do it.
It's not fair, Francine.
I write 3,000 books and- Ugh!
I write 3,000 books and nobody's ever asked me for an autograph.
Don'tyou see, Stan? You're Steve's father.
He couldn't have done any ofthis withoutyou.
And people are gonna know that.
Yes. Yes, people are gonna know that.
Hey, everyone, I'm Steve's father!
He came from my seed! And she was the manure.
Ugh! Francine, when I look at your hair...
I doubt I could eat the amount l want to vomit.
The turnout at today's book signing was awful...
and I blameyou, publisher man.
Actually, it's "Publisherman." Bill Publisherman.
Dad, it's okay. I'm not into this whole book thing anyway.
Nonsense! You and I are gonna be big.
- We're gonna be huge. -Just how big areyou talking?
"Ginormagantuan."
Well, then whatyou need is to get Steve on Cap'n Monty's Book Cavalcade...
the hottest children's book show in Langley Falls.
- Great! Put him on. - I'd love to.
But to get on, he needs to have the number-one children's book in town.
And to get that, he'll need a hook.
Right. We'll cut off one ofhis hands.
People love the disfigured... and fear them.
No, a hook, an angle, a gimmick.
Hmm. Is the boy gay?
- Why? Could that be a hook? - Hook?
- Ah, a hook, a hook, a hook.
No.
Is it true? Were there really seven people at the book signing?
- Oh, my God! It's happening for me.
I'm almost a star. Oh! There's my cell phone.
Oh, my God! It's Johnny Depp.
- Deppster! What's shakin'? - That's not a cell phone.
- That's a bar of soapyou painted black. - Yeah, hang on,J.D.
Watch it, Klaus, or I'm gonna cram this bad boy 20,000 leagues upyour butt.
"Bad boy"? Steve, that's it!
- You can be the bad boy of children's books. - Huh?
Sure, sure. The media loves bad boys.
- Your bookwill fly offthe shelves. - I don't know.
Look, Son, you do this for me, and I'll use my C.I.A. powers...
to getyou centerfold Janet Gustafson.
- She's beautiful. - And she loves the bad boys.
Mydark descent all the wayto the top.
Franci ne, I cannot let the mother of...
Langley Falls' legendary bad-boy author look like this.
Shame on you. Scoot on in here, girl.
Oh, my God! Is it here?
You're so adorable.
- Give me sillyjuice and watch me fall down. - What the-
I'm ugly and my butt is huge.
I- I- I don't- l don't get it.
They areyour catch phrases. Roger, haveyou even read Steve's book?
You bastard!
Roger the clumsy alien!
Rogerwho sips his sillyjuice and goes on delusional rants!
And it's not sillyjuice! It's necessaryjuice!
Watch your back.
Ouch! Oh, that- Ouchies, ouchies, ouch.
You bastard!
Thanks toyou, Dad spent all my college money...
buying you Doctor Seuss's first typewriter.
[ Gears Whirring, Bells Ringing ]
You bastard!
That's what I said to my old ugly hairdo.
What's wrong, honey?
Aw, I hate being a famous author.
Do I really have to go on Cap'n Monty's?
- Oh. Well, no. I suppose not. - Thanks, Mom.
Oh, Steve, just curious.
- When did you stop loving Mommy? - What?
'Cause ifyou loved me, you wouldn't want me to have ugly hair.
But do whatever makes you happy.
I have to go put some ointment on that hideous cesarean scar I have because ofyou.
But Hayleywas the cesarean.
Oh, that's right. With you, I just tore from my "V" to my "A."
Good night.
As myfamily usedandabused me.
But at least there were two headlights at the end ofthe tunnel.
Now do I get to meet that centerfold?
No. I just said that to motivate you so you'd carry me to the top.
Dad, I can't believe you lied to me.
Really? Huh. That's-That's kind of mywhole bit.
Hey, my first green room.
It isn't even green!
Steve. Kevin Broham, DudemeisterManagement. Huge fan.
So, how does it feel to be a superstar?
Well, I- l kind of hate it.
Let me guess. Your family's bustin' your boy bag like a bunch of gonad gangsters.
How did you know?
Bro, I see families exploiting the talented dude all the time.
I feel so trapped. I don't know what to do.
Good morn', mateys.
Today, Captain Monty sails his fairvessel...
with precious cargo-
Child prodigy, and most likely...
ninth incarnation ofthe Buddha, Steve Smith.
- Yeah! - Yea!
Boo!
Steve.
Steve Smith.
Even the name recalls simplicity, elegance.
Steve, welcome.
Steve, I'm not going to askyou about your influences...
oryour process.
In fact, I'm not going to askyou any questions.
I am going to tell you something.
And that something is...
you, Steve Smith, are a genius.
A "geeeeenius."
Argh.
Steve, I will askyou one question.
I know I said no questions.
I'm flawed, unlikeyou, Steve Smith.
Tell me...
whom would you like to thank foryour success?
Here it comes, clown.
Well, Captain Monty...
I'd like to thank my new manager Kevin...
for helping me fill out the paperwork to divorce my parents.
- And the shoes. I want the shoes.
Slowly, pretty boy.
Yeah, you're a pretty boy...
with a pretty pair of shoes.
The court ruled in myfavor...
and I was finally free ofmyparents.
Did the book make me rich and popular? Yeah.
Did it all go to my head?
Oh, yeah. Did I start talking like Robert Evans?
You bet your ass I did.
Did I even know who Robert Evans was?
- Not by a long shot. - Franci ne. Stan.
Stop this nonsense, Steve.
Dude, his name is S now. And S does what S wants.
And S wants to C-L-T-D-F-H-C.
Cut loose the deadweight from his coattails.
There should be a "W" in there.
Get in the trunk, Barry.
All right. But I didn't miss them.
I was too busy tending to mystately pleasure dome, Steveadoo.
I had rooms filled with the finest antiquities.
Rooms devoted to girl-on-girl action.
Sci nti I lati ng.
In my "I don't need any family"room.
And the coup de gr�ce...
mypool filled with cherryJell-O.
Mmm, success.
Oh! That I ittle creep is I ivi ng the star I ifestyle I deserve.
Well, he's gonna learn that he's messing with the wrong muchacho.
Ow! Ow! Stubbed my toe! Stubbed my toe! Stubbed my toe! Stubbed my toe!
Worst part's over. Worst part's over. Worst part's over.
- What are you doing here? - I want you to come home.
Yeah? Well, you can forget it. You used me and you lied to me.
Guilty as charged. But I'm gonna make good on it all.
Starting with that centerfold l promised you.
Here she is, centerfold Janet Gustafson.
That's not her! She's ancient.
Well, sure. The magazine l showed you was from 1 957.
But she still loves to party.
This is your idea ofan apology?
Sulu, Chekov!
Hello, old friend.
Hopeyou don't mind me dropping by...
to kill you.
Strange. This window shouldn't be open.
And this window shouldn't be closed.
Aw, this should all be mine.
I mean, not this color scheme. P.U.
But everything else should be mi- Oh, God!
This bust of Ben Stiller is hideous.
But it should be mine!
Bravo! Thatwas the gumball machine Henry Ford gave to Hitler.
- S, we didn't do it. - Yeah, right.
You're all just a bunch ofusers like my parents. Get out! All ofyou!
Guess I'll be cutting the crusts off my own sandwiches from now on.
Great. Who tracked mud on my floor?
Hey, your knife goes real well with my novelty alien hand.
And how great is my new horror-movie ring tone?
- Dude, where'd you go?
- Well, come into the kitchen. - What up?
S, meet Spike Baltar.
Spike Baltar, you're my favorite actor.
Wow, you look just like me.
That's because he's gonna playyou in the movie version...
of RogertheAlien, and he's totally method.
- Wow, I'm so happy I could die.
- It's me. I gotta take this.
Yeah, the kid's a total douche.
And his voice-
I'm Steve Smith.
I wrote RogertheAlien.
I'm Steve Smith. I was never molested...
on the set of a mustard commercial when I was nine.
- Die, dream stealer!
Oh, my God! I- l killed Steve.
- Hombre, what's the matter? - It's just I kinda miss my family.
"Bro-sickle," I'm your family now...
and this dude is never ever gonna leaveyou.
Never.
Spike Baltar's dead in your pool.
You're finished. I'm out ofhere.
I'm comin', Steve! I'm comin'!
I didn't mean to kill you!
- Roger?
That's not me in the pool. That's Spike Baltar.
Wait. You were trying to kill me? So this is all your fault.
Oh, yeah. Blame the alien. The cops will eat that up.
Sorry, pal, you're goin' to jail...
where they're gonna takeyour cherry...
Jell-O... away...
in the lunch line...
afteryou're raped... in the shower.
Well, this is where ourstorystarted.
Onlythe dead kid isn't me.
That was kind ofa screw
Ifit makes you feel any better, l was drowning all right-
In a sea oftroubles.
And there was only one place I could turn.
I t's good to have you back, Steve.
I t sure is. And I 'm sorry l pushed you so hard.
From now on, the only thing I want recognition for is being a good dad. Ready?
- One, two, heave!
Au revoir, stardom.
- Oh, did I tie that to Steve's ankle?
Guess I'm clumsy like he wrote in the book.
How doyou like that ending, Steve?
Bye! Have a great time!