# Good morning, U.S.A. #
# I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day #
#The sun in the sky has a smile on his face #
#And he's shining a salute to the American race #
# Oh, boy it's swell to say #
# Good morning, U.S.A. #
#Good morning, U.S.A. ##
Stan, can you please talk to your daughter?
Look at her.
My God! Get that slut shrapnel out of your face this instant!
- It's just a nose ring. - It's a gateway piercing.
Next thing you know, you'll have a bone through your lip...
like one of those rain forest people that Sting is always whining about.
Listen to your father. Sting's become a bit of a douche.
Fine. You are such a fascist, Dad!
Ah, women. So emotional. They're a mystery that eludes me.
That's why I'm creating an alternative.
Now I can practice talking to girls on something other than my taxidermied aardvark.
That thing better be disassembled before I get home.
- But, Dad- - No son of mine is gonna practice his moves on a vacuum girl.
Look at that cheap weave. Bitch got no class.
And, Hayley, your face will remain metal-free, like a good radio station.
Thank you, honey. I don't know what this family would do without you.
Great. Now I'm late.
Steve, I need to borrow your girlfriend.
I got curious and unzipped my beanbag chair.
If he wants to experiment sexually...
with a vacuum cleaner, that's one thing.
We've all done weird stuff when Francine was out of town.
But don't call it a robot, and don't-
This guy's got no pulse. He's gone.
- Should we try the paddles? - Should we myeh-myeh-myeh-myeh?
Cut it out.
- Clear. - Myeh.
Welcome back. You were dead for a couple of seconds.
- I was dead? - Yeah. We called your wife. She's on her way.
Sounds hot. Speaking of which...
did I tell you about that chick I met at Langley Sand and Gravel?
I was dead. This could have been it.
And what have I done with my life?
Hey. Where you going?
Anyway, listen to me prattle on about my date.
How was your dad's funeral? Did you cry?
And now for the newest segment of Channel 3 News...
" Kids Beat," with little Matty Moyer.
Thank you, Terry.
What does burning flesh smell like?
This reporter need no longer wonder...
after arriving at a multicar pileup on the 395.
Body after charred body was pulled...
from the wreckage of the gruesome collision.
And I stepped on a eye.
That... is... precious.
- Keep us posted, Matty. - 'Kay.
In other news, Big Buy has announced a one million dollar settlement...
with a former employee who was sexually harassed by a coworker.
Wait. So a company will give you a million dollars just for being sexually harassed?
Oh, ja. Corporations hate to go to trial on these things.
They'd rather just pay the woman off.
Really?
Oh, don't even go there. Like anyone would sexually harass you.
Are you kidding? No man on earth can resist the charms of-
Hey, boys.
Laura Vanderbooben's the name...
and I just joined your workforce.
Yourself on me. What? Who said that?
# Oh, so horny Oh, so horny #
# Me love you long time #
# So horny So- So horny #
# So horny Me love you long ##
Huh. Probably shouldn't have farted before I started that walk.
Stan, thank God we found you.
The paramedic said you wandered off hours ago. Are you okay?
I'm more than okay. I'm alive.
More alive than I've ever been.
- Really? - Yes.
You see, epiphany isn't just a name that black people give their daughters.
It's a realization. And I just had one.
These monuments honor great men. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln.
Men who will be remembered forever for what they achieved during their lifetimes.
If I had died in that crash today, who would remember me?
- I would. - That's right. Nobody.
Because I haven't done anything great. Well, that's going to change.
I'm going to leave a grand legacy, just like they did.
And I know exactly what it is.
Oh, no, Stan. You are not digging for Oliver North's gold again.
It's just a myth, like unicorns or speed-reading.
It's no myth. It's real.
- Wait. Who's Oliver North? - What?
I can't believe you kids don't know about the great patriot Ollie North.
# In the '80s there was cold war drama #
#We fought the Commies inside Nicaragua #
# Our friends were the contras Freedom was their mantra #
# So we sent them lots of money for guns #
# And land mines #
# But Congress stopped the contra money flow #
# Just 'cause they moved a teeny bit ofblow #
# But then a hero came forth His name was Oliver North #
# He and Reagan went around the sissy Congress #
# Ollie North Ollie North #
You see, North secretly sold missiles to a harmless country called Iran...
that would always be a grateful ally.
Then he gave the profits to the contras.
Genius!
- # But the sales were uncovered # - Aw.
- # By the press # - He-he!
- # Reagan and North # - Well-
- # Began to stress # - Nyaay!
# 'Cause what they did was technically high treason #
But it was totally justified.
# North volunteered to take the blame #
# To save Reagan from prison-rape shame #
# The truth he did bury with his hot secretary #
# Thanks to her shredder#
# He got off totally scot-free #
# Ollie North Ollie North #
# He's a soldier#
# And a hero #
# And a novelist #
# And now he's on Fox News ##
Crap. That's the end.
Wow. I just learned while I was being entertained.
But what does that have to do with you digging up our yard?
As a young C.I.A. Agent, I heard a rumor that when Iran-Contra became public...
Ollie still had some gold for the contras.
Desperate to get rid of all evidence, he buried the gold in his yard.
- This yard. - Wait. We're living in that guy I never heard of's house?
Pretty cool, huh? You see, I bought his house in '87...
and started digging-
after I fixed the leaky roof his Realtor failed to mention.
- Lying bitch. - Stan...
I thought you gave up looking for Ollie's gold years ago.
Because the kids came along, and I didn't have time anymore.
My God. Is that why my middle name is Dream-smasher?
- It sure is, Hayley. - So your legacy is getting rich?
No! Ollie North's gold will be the biggest archaeological find this country's ever seen.
I'll give it to the Smithsonian, they'll have a huge exhibit...
and my name will live on forever.
Fine, Stan. Destroy the yard- again.
Just don't expect me to help you.
Very well. Then I'll dig alone.
- Mittens! - I don't understand.
I buried it with food.
Stan! What the hell are you doing?
When I didn't find Ollie North's gold in the yard...
I realized- it's not in the yard.
It's under the house.
When North testified, he said, "I came here to tell you the truth-
the good, the bad and the ugly. "
Our living room has three outlets. One that works- the good.
One that doesn't work- the bad.
And one that's cracked- the ugly.
Those outlets form a triangle, and that's where I'm digging.
I can't believe- You- I- I-
You couldn't even roll up the rug?
- What are you doing here? - Making a documentary on Stan's descent into madness.
I mean it's on treasure.
Yeah, we're getting out of the news business.
It's become a young black woman's game.
I can't compete with Epiphany Lorenz.
- What's goin' on? - Hayley Dream-smasher Smith...
did you put that nose ring back in?
No. This is a new one. I bought it when I drove Steve to the mall.
I was buying parts for my practice robot when I realized...
why practice getting girls with her when I can just get with her?
Aw, yeah. Just me and my shorty, Bernice.
Buh, buh, buh Bernice.
Steve, is that my bikini top?
Ew! No! That would be creepy.
I found this on the railroad tracks.
Stan, do you see what's happening here?
Stop with this nonsense and help me deal with the kids!
A hidden chamber!
I see beautiful things. Gold, silver, huge red socks fit for a giant.
Oh. No, no, no. Those are Christmas decorations.
I think this might be our basement.
Yeah. Those are my ski boots. It's our basement, Francine.
Hi. I'm Laura, the new girl.
Want to show me the ropes and perhaps misinterpret my friendliness?
L-
Uh, I'll be right there, Sam. I'm just gonna grab a doughnut.
Looking for something glazed and bad for ya?
Hey, Mom.
Hayley! More piercings?
- Does your father know about this? - Nah. He's too busy digging.
Steve may read at a 10th-grade level...
but he kisses at a 12th-grade level.
Oh. Come on now.
That is it! Stan!
I'm following the clues Ollie left. Look.
I found these in the dirt right under the basement.
Ice Creamsicle wrappers?
Yes! Don't you see? "Ice Creamsicle. "
Initials " I" and " C." Iran-Contra.
That's what they used to call Iran-Contra in Washington- " Ice Cream. "
- They did? - They should have.
I want to speak to my husband off camera.
Of course.
Enough is enough. There is no gold.
You have to stop chasing this silly fantasy and be a parent to your kids.
Fantasy? This is my legacy.
And instead of helping me, all you're doing is trying to make me give it up.
Didn't I support you when you wanted to open that small business?
- No, you didn't. - Then stop bringing it up.
Oh, giving up, are you?
What? No. No, no. My feet hurt.
Where are you? Show yourself!
Face it. No one would sexually harass you.
You don't have the goods.
Well, you do, but they went bad long ago.
No need to respond. I'll laugh myself out.
I am harassable! I'll show you.
There's gotta be someone in that office who's man enough to offend a lady like me.
Name's Luke Fondleburg. Just started today.
Any hot pieces of tail around this office that like a good groping?
You see that episode of Seinfeld Thursday night 10 years ago?
My kids are out of control. All because of Stan and his crazy legacy.
And the living room is a hole with a donkey in it!
Dad is nuts. There is no gold.
But I don't care, as long as he doesn't hassle me about my piercings.
Did your father hassle you about stuff?
What's the matter, Terry? Why are you crying?
I say let him dig. Just so long as he doesn't get between me and my lady.
She and I are doing great too. Last night I got a dusty pinky.
Family doesn't support me. That's okay. I know it's here.
If I eat all the dirt, all that will be left is the gold.
Oh, my God. He's gone totally insane.
We've gotta have an intervention and stop this madness.
- You actually found Oliver North's gold. - Look. He left a note.
" Congratulations. You deciphered my riddle...
" about the good, the bad and the ugly...
followed the Ice Creamsicle wrappers and found my gold"!
We are a lock for an Oscar if there isn't a documentary about penguins or genocide this year.
- Or penguin genocide. Oh! - Oh, I know.
Where were you two? You missed the big moment when I dug up the gold!
My Smithsonian exhibit will need that footage.
Come down into the pit, and we'll stage it.
It's not ethical for a journalist to stage events.
Fine. I'll film it myself. I don't need you two.
And I don't need a family who never believed in me.
I tell you. It makes me want to do a whole bunch of stuff you said I'd never do-
like starting my own dance studio, or killing pigeons with my mind.
Just for your information, I believed in the dance studio.
But two days before we opened- it wasn't your father's fault-
a woman got raped in the locker room.
Hmm! What's this I'm seeing for the first time?
Ollie North's gold?
Here's looking at you, gold.
" Here's looking at you, gold"? What is that?
Come on, Stan. You can do better. It's for your legacy, man.
Aay, you.
Get it? " A.U." That's the chemical symbol for gold.
Me Chinese. Me make joke. Me find gold, gold in your Coke.
Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-I... d!
Have I unearthed Oliver North's gold, or has it...
unearthed me?
That's it. A perfect historical quote.
Brief, dignified, unclear.
Is that dirt or donkey?
And filthy rich in three, two-
Manager guy!
Luke sexually harassed me. It was horrible.
He wouldn't stop. I deserve money.
Well, this is very serious, Laura.
- Marjorie, could you please send in Luke Fondleburg?
Oop. Just got my period. Damn uterus...
refreshing itself every month like it owns the joint.
- You wanted to see me? - Fondleburg...
did you sexually harass Miss Vanderbooben?
You bet your ass I did. I harassed the crap out of her.
Damn it! Now we have to pay her a settlement.
- You're fired! - Both of those things work for me.
See you in hell.
False alarm. It turns out I just had to poop. What did Luke say?
Well, he admitted he harassed you.
I'm still reeling. Let's talk settlement. I'm thinking a million dollars.
Actually, our lawyers have determined that juries pay...
a larger settlement to women who are more attractive.
So, with that in mind, this is our offer.
Unharassable, huh?
Well, this juicy settlement says otherwise.
Wow. $90,000.
I know. Respectable, right?
Ja, ja. Completely respectable.
Wow. That's a lot of money.
So, uh, can you, um- I don't know- loan me a couple of g's?
Oh, no. No. I'm sorry. I have a policy.
- I never loan friends money. - Oh. Okay.
- But I'm good for it. - No. I know. It's not about that.
It's just a rule I have. I got in a situation a few years ago.
It got really ugly. So I...
- just decided- - Okay.
- I'm sorry I asked. - I am too.
Frankly.
Stan! Are you okay?
- Yeah. I think so. - Oh, thank God he's all right.
Look. It's the Langley Falls town geologist.
It's true what they say about geologists.
They're the coolest, sexiest men alive.
The rest of this pit will collapse any moment.
We have to get that man out of there immediately or he'll be buried alive.
We fill that hole with foam, your man will float right to the top.
I don't think that would work.
Neither do I, but I got a truck full of foam and six kids to feed.
- Come on. I need this. - Why don't we just lower a rope?
- A rope made of foam? - Stop, okay? Just stop.
Tie yourself on.
Okay.
It's too heavy.
Leave the gold, Stan!
No. It's my legacy. It's going up, even if I have to die.
I'm gonna send up the camera with a message for the Smithsonian.
Stan, no! Your family needs you.
Greetings, future people at the Smithsonian.
I am Stan Smith, discoverer of Ollie North's gold.
You probably know me from the movie they made about my life, starring Bruce Campbell.
It was the role that finally got him out of those crappy " B" movies...
and into the arms of his husband, Campbell Scott...
who is now Campbell Campbell.
Here's looking at you, gold.
Wow. What a great man.
Are you kidding? Look at what freaks his kids turned out to be.
My dad wouldn't have approved of this plate in my lip...
but it's a great place for people to toss change...
when I'm on the street begging, which is always.
Hold still, babe.
Master Steven, shall I initiate pleasure sequence alpha-five-omega?
My bitch is horny.
- He died as he lived- in his house. - Oh, Stan.
Stan. Stan. Stan.
Stan, get out of there!
I wonder what's on the end of this line?
- Feels like a box of gold to me. - I don't know.
I've pulled up my share of men. Feels like that to me.
We'll know in a second, Johnny.
Hand over hand, we'll have our answer.
Stan, I thought you were dead! Oh, thank God.
Hey, where-where did everyone go?
Oh, the geologist took everyone to the Waffle House.
Before they even knew I was okay?
Have you ever had breakfast with a geologist, Stan?
- It's pretty great. - Sorry you lost your legacy, Dad.
Turns out the gold wasn't my legacy.
The real mark I'm going to leave on this earth is you two kids.
Oh, Daddy.
Mmm!
And the robot and piercings are gone by tomorrow or this pit becomes your grave.
Well, that sure is a nice lesson.
You know, they say I teach these kids...
but sometimes I think they're the ones who teach me.
What? You're not a teacher. You're a fireman.
And proud of it.
Well, I don't know about you...
but I'm gonna wait till these white folks go to bed, then dig up that gold.
Bye. Have a beautiful time.