Nothing better than being home for dinner.
It's like I'm king of the castle.
Dance, fools! Dance for your king!
Hayley, your cold sore's dripping in the potatoes.
That's the last time I use lip liner I find on the bus.
- Oh, honey, no one believes that. - I got it. Called it. Oh, yeah.
Mom, it's Grandma and Grandpa.
Damn it. Your parents always show up unannounced.
Steve, lower the table. Hayley, hide the cutlery.
Everyone, shoes off.
- Francine, don't open that door. - Stan, they're my parents.
- Francine. - Francine.
Mah Mah. Bah Bah.
- You bow. - Shoes off in house.
You just had to be adopted, didn't you?
- What is this? - It's fish face with cabbage stem.
In the West, we call that garbage.
Oh, Mah Mah, this takes me back.
Eating trout lips, watching T.J. Hooker.
- Hooker. - Hooker.
Devil sticks!
- No fork. - Listen, Bubba, this is my...
- Bah Bah. - That's what I said. Bah Bah.
Bah Bah. Twenty years, you still not get it right.
Has it been a half-hour already? Well, what a lovely visit.
Please, let me help throw your trunk onto the lawn.
What Stan's trying to say is you're welcome to stay as long as you want.
We only stay for weekend. We on our way cross-country.
Mah Mah and I are fulfilling dream to see world's largest everything.
This week, thermometer. Next week, ball of twine.
Better hurry before world's largest kitty bat it away.
No.
- Oh, no. No ducks. - Ducks okay.
Present for you, grandson. Fireworks from family business.
Steve, you can light one off now and save the rest for later.
I don't know. These look dangerous.
The Donkey Slap, the Spurting Cobra, the Mao Tse Boom...
Hayley, your sore's leaking again.
- I have remedy for whore lip. - Thanks, Grandma.
- It smells like doody. - It is doody. From a monkey.
- The Painful Squirt Bomb, the Me Explode You Long Time...
For God's sake, you're an American.
Stop thinking about the consequences and blow something up.
Bad choice. That one is named "English Patient."
It looks beautiful, but it takes a very long time for unsatisfying payoff.
Bah Bah, you didn't wrap Jergens in Ziploc.
Lotion on everything.
I lock spout. Why you bring Jergens?
Francine, did somebody bet me how many washcloths I could fit in my butt...
...or did I do this just for fun? Doesn't matter. 17.
Roger, company.
It is filthy in here. If only I had a... Wait, here's one. And another.
Look at that. I'm like a Clorox wipe dispenser.
- I got dry skin. - I wish I could get rid of them that easy.
- You will show them some respect. - Why? Not like they're your real parents.
Stan, they are the only parents I've ever known.
They raised me with the same love and kindness...
...they showed their own biological daughter.
Gwen. God, she's hot. Playboy hot.
Great. Bad enough I was aggravated. Now I'm also turned on.
You can be so insensitive, Francine.
Kiss me like your sister... You know what, forget it.
We are so crazy.
Gentlemen, have your mail forwarded to the edge...
...because that's where we're living.
Lindsay Coolidge.
The stuff lunchroom boners are made of.
You guys drinking beers or something?
Beers. Sparklers. Check it out. I'm John Williams.
- My face. - Barry, I'm sorry. L...
Burned your friend in the face. That's extreme. Extreme is awesome.
I never knew you were so crazy.
- Totally crazy. - There's nothing you won't do.
- Nothing I won't do. - That makes me hot.
Tell you what. I'll let you touch my breast...
...if you can top burning Fatso here.
That's what my nana calls me.
- I'll give you $48 to assimilate. - Shoes off in house.
What are you...? You don't have to wash paper towels.
- I'll buy more. - Wasteful. You waste.
Every penny counts.
What? You said my name. You tried to bury it in your China talk, but I heard it.
See if you like it.
Francine.
Look at your face. You hate it.
Grandma, I don't know if this is working.
You must take the whole course of monkey dung.
You must leave it on and re-apply after "een" hours.
- Are you trying to say "nine"? - Yes, een.
The word is nine. Say nine.
- Just follow me here. One. - One.
- Two. - Two.
- Three. Four. - Three. Four.
- Five. Six. - Five. Six.
- Seven. Eight. - Seven. Eight.
- Nine. No! - Een.
Damn duck grease.
I just cleaned those paper towels.
Never mind.
I'll wash it along with tampon I find in garbage. Wasteful.
I can't take another minute of this.
They're cheap, they're pushy, they come in and take over.
- I feel like a visitor in my own home. - Stan, please. It's just one more day.
Hey, look at me.
Is that my new swimsuit? I haven't even worn it yet.
I like it here. We're gonna stay two weeks.
No! Come back here, Bubba!
Gambled and lost.
I want them out. Not tomorrow, not in two weeks, now.
I am not kicking my parents out.
They're not your real parents. They didn't give birth to you.
Because they're not my birth parents doesn't mean they're not my parents.
And I never wanna hear anything about it ever again.
Damn it.
They're out there somewhere. And I'm not gonna rest until I find...
...my birth in-laws.
All right. Here's where we'll find out who my real birth in-laws are.
Did I ever tell you about my parents? Tragic story.
Very good. Now, while I hack the database, you create a diversion.
A diversion? Oh, this is a caper, like in the movies.
Speaking of movies, you ever see Man on Fire?
Is that the one with...
Name: Francine Ling.
Year of birth: Enter.
Here they are. Nicholas and Cassandra Dawson, Hilton Head, South Carolina.
File: Print.
"Failure to find printer. L5 error."
Good job.
All right. I turned off the printer. I'm waiting for it to come back on.
Okay, it's back on.
Okay, I'm walking to the computer. I'm by the computer.
File: Print. And... No. L5 error again.
I'll re-route it to another printer in our system.
Nope. L5. So it's not the printer.
Strange. You could just write the information down.
Technology, huh? Three steps forward, four steps back.
- Keeps me in business. - That it does. That it does.
How'd you know I was fireproof? I didn't even know.
Wait. You did know I was, right?
I'm gonna go with yes and preserve the friendship.
Look, guys, if I can pull this off, Lindsay Coolidge will give me boob.
Snot, remember that time I gave you an orange?
Yeah.
Well, then let me put a firecracker up your ass.
No, I don't remember you giving me half an orange.
- So no, you can't. - Why does everybody hate me so much?
- Hey, guess what. I'm flame-retardant. - Can I blow you up?
- I don't see why not. - Awesome!
Oh, my God. They're rich.
Mommy-in-law, Daddy-in-law, I found you.
Love me.
Okay. I will now recklessly blow up my cousin Roger.
For good measure, I'm gonna set the whole thing off with this:
The Finger Blaster.
My thumb! I blew off my thumb!
We're gonna get in trouble. Run!
Okay, golden opportunity. Say, "Charlie, they took my thumb."
Eric Roberts? Pope of Greenwich Village?
No? You're a lot of fun.
We're so glad you contacted us, Stan.
We've often thought of the daughter we had to give up.
- That was a terrible, terrible day. - I can only imagine.
So Nick, Cassie, what do you guys wanna do? See a movie?
Can I look at your movies?
I bet you have Dave. You wanna watch Dave?
Kevin Kline plays two characters. Watch. Watching? Watch this.
Thank you, Kalalo.
You have Asians working for you rather than being related to you.
This is how it's supposed to be. I'm finally home.
Mah Mah, Bah Bah
In-laws show up uninvited
Temper tantrums are incited
Speak in English, speak in English
Mah Mah, Bah Bah So unrefined
Stupid printer didn 't get me down Drove out of town, look who I found
Nick and Cass They're the in-laws of my dreams
Caucasian folks of well-off means
Love the place I'm in No more Mandarin
- Steaks and cash - Pull
Shooting rolls of paper towels As they enunciate their vowels
God, I'm happy Hey, found a home today
Ducks and chopsticks
Boundaries, they don 't give a hoot
Farting in my bathing suit
Who needs that, Stan? Who needs that, Stan?
Nick and Cass
Now I'm skiing on a yacht
Suddenly I'm drinking sparkling wine Living like a swell is mighty fine
If you find your mate's adopted New in-laws can be co-opted
Screw the past
This is my new family now
And my life is back to God's design
These are not your in-laws
Because they're mine
Well, this has been a great afternoon, Stan.
But we should probably meet Francine.
- Who's that, now? - Our daughter.
Is that necessary? I mean, the triangle is the strongest structure in nature.
Stan, we enjoy your company...
...but we can't possibly continue this relationship without Francine.
- She does know you're here? - Of course.
She cannot wait to meet you guys. Cannot wait.
Hey, Francine. Stan.
Can't talk, on a mission, under fire. Let me throw a quick hypothetical.
What if I told you I met the nicest couple...
...who have a ton of money, old-fashioned values...
...and think my water-skiing is top-notch?
Then what if I told you that couple were your birth parents?
I'd be incredibly angry, hurt and betrayed.
And in addition to never wanting to meet them...
...I'd never wanna see you again either.
Fun game, these hypotheticals. Keeps me alive in the trenches.
Bring you back a snow globe.
Kalalo, dramatic sting.
That was terrible.
- I'm back from my mission. - Where's my snow globe?
I know. Listen, I was just thinking about genetic disease.
For the kids' sake, we should meet your real parents...
...and get their medical history. What if baldness runs in your family?
Can you imagine anything more horrific than Steve losing his hair?
My thumb. Where's my thumb?
Found it. No, it's a baby pine cone. Add that one to the collection.
Oh, my God. Here it is.
My thumb. Get out of here, crow.
My face!
Why, crow, why?
Mah Mah and Bah Bah treat me like their own flesh and blood.
Stan, I have no interest in tracking down my birth parents, ever.
So if you were in The Matrix, you'd have taken the blue pill...
...and never seen the world for what it was...
...and the movie would've only been 20 minutes.
I want you to think about that.
You're not gonna think about that. You don't understand what I'm saying.
The Lings must have a skeleton in their closet.
Or in a trunk.
Why would they need these?
There must be something in here that's incriminating.
Do they?
- Do they what? Who's they? - Oh, right. Sorry.
Remember how earlier you said Mah Mah and Bah Bah treat you like their own?
- Yeah. - Do they?
Stan, this is my parents' will. I can't read this.
Even where they leave everything to hot Gwen and you get nothing?
I don't believe it.
No matter what the Lings told you...
...you're always gonna be the adopted daughter...
...that they'll never love like their own. I'm sorry, Francine. I'm sorry.
God, is Gwen hot. I mean, oh, my God.
Look what I tape off TV. Four episodes of T.J. Hooker.
Hooker.
- How come you no Hooker with me? - You cut me out of your will?
- You go through our trunk? - You gave everything to Gwen.
It's because she's your real daughter, isn't it?
You dishonor us and yourself.
Get out of my house, both of you. And get out of my life.
- Bye-bye, Bubba. - It's Bah...
You were right, Stan. I wanna meet my real parents.
Don't worry, honey. I'll find them no matter how long it takes.
They'll be here at six.
Duck, duck, duck, goose.
God, that's deeply programmed. They're here!
Please come in. Francine's getting her hair done.
So this is her.
I remember the day we had to give her away.
I'm sorry, but children aren't allowed in the first-class cabin.
I can't fly coach. That would be awful.
Can you just give this away for us? You're a doll.
Oh, thank God. For a moment I thought we were going to have a problem.
So you completely abandoned Francine?
Yes. Yes, we did. And we had a great vacation.
And the money we saved not having a child...
...was put toward some smart investments.
I think I need a drink.
Stan, these people are monsters.
You know what my country's done. Even I find it repulsive.
Well, they're rich and speak English good. How bad can they be?
- But Stan... - Not listening.
Stan, the English Patient is getting close to detonating.
Stan! Stan!
How'd we get here?
- Please help. - One sec.
Hi, Sid. Quick question. I'm in a burning house. A man is caught under a beam.
What's my liability if I help him?
I thought so.
Stan, we're gonna wait in the yard, see how this plays out.
Wait! You can't leave me here. I'm your son-in-law.
Don't worry, buddy. You're someone else's problem now.
Mommy-in-law. Daddy-in-law. Save me.
I knew you'd come back for me.
Come on, let's go.
Lucky I come back for trunk.
I can't believe you risked your life to save mine.
Of course I save you, Stan. You're my son-in-law.
You make my Francine happy. Her happiness is all I ever want.
Then why did you cut her out of the will and leave everything to Gwen?
Because Gwen is moron. She needs lots of help.
She fail math in school.
Imagine Chinese girl can't do math.
It's embarrassing when children don't adhere to stereotypes.
Francine is our smart daughter. We never have to worry about her.
Plus, she marry okay.
I saw fire. I call "een" one one.
We got your thumb sewed on just in time...
...but your hand will be numb until the anesthesia wears off.
Thanks, Doc.
Hey, Steve. Not only did you blow your thumb off...
...you burned your house down.
- I burned my house down. - That's so extreme.
You get the grand prize. I want you to touch my whole breast.
- This is it. This is the moment. - So, what do you think?
I can't feel anything.
- Are you saying I have small breasts? - No! No! That's not what l...
You're a real jerk, Steve Smith.
Come back. Let me try the other hand. Rip out the IV. Rip it out. Rip it out!
I don't deserve this.
Why the injustice?
Why, crow? Why?
Oh, my God. Our house.
Nothing to worry about.
Just your average greasy-Chinese-duck fire.
Is everyone okay? Steve, Hayley, Roger?
Everyone's fine.
And Klaus. Is Klaus okay? He's the only one I really care about.
Too late, Francine. Too fucking late.
I'm so excited to meet them. Where are they, Stan?
Where are my real parents?
Your real parents are right over there.
- What are you talking about? - The Lings are your real parents.
I was wrong, Francine. They're good people.
They'd do anything for your happiness.
- But the will... - Trust me.
They know what they're doing.
My own pony?
Mah Mah and Bah Bah love you, Francine.
Everything okay, Stan?
I would've named her Buttercup.
[ENGLISH]