Stop.
Stop! I know you can totally hear me.
Good morning, whore.
Freeze. Put your hands in the air.
Jameson LaCroix: Weapons dealer, drug smuggler...
...corpse.
And another one gone And another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey, he's gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust
Well done, Smith. This brings your kill total up to 14.
And it means you get to pick tomorrow's lunch.
Quiznos. I choose Quiznos.
Are you sure? We have many new takeout menus.
Toasted bread and melted cheese, Quiznos.
- Was he in pain? - Did his guts spill?
How long will he be dead?
Sorry, boys, I don't kill and tell. Part of the killers' code.
I bet he sees his victims' faces every time he closes his eyes.
And I bet they're all like, "Why?" And he's all like, "You know why."
Stan has replaced Rutger Hauer on my wall and in my heart.
You guys are pathetic. You're idolizing a murderer.
Oh, yeah? Well:
- What the hell does that mean? - Guy humor, Hayley.
You don't got a willy, you don't get the silly.
Dad, speaking of guy stuff...
...we were all talking about trying out for the gymnastics team.
- I'll kill you if you do. - He totally will too. He's so awesome.
Kids, leave your father alone.
The last thing he wants to do is relive every vivid, gruesome detail.
Save that for the bedroom, my big, powerful killer.
You know I likes to get with the ladies, but I have to take a rain check.
I'm playing poker with a couple guys from work.
We need a fourth, so Chilly's coming along.
- Chilly? - You heard right, baby.
They call me Chilly because I got ice in my veins.
What's with these cards, Bad Larry? You're screwing me with these cards.
Why can't I stop sweating?
I'm sorry, Chilly. I don't control the cards.
If I did, I'd give you the best goshdarn ones there were.
Bad Larry, your wife made this guacamole?
Usually the ugly ones can cook.
Ray. You're honest because you're old.
So how do you and Stan know each other?
From work. We know each other from work.
- That's where we know him from. - Then from the coffee shop.
- I don't know. I'm trying to play a hand. - Hey, Smith, mazel tov on the kill today.
- What'd you have to eat after? - I don't know.
You don't know? What the hell's wrong with you?
I remember every meal I ate after every kill.
Whose deal is it? Come on. I'm in a big hole here. Huge, huge hole.
Madonna, circa 1986. I'm in Madonna, circa 1986.
Johnny Damone was my first kill.
Slit his throat with a coping saw, then ate an egg-salad sandwich.
It was too big. I took home half.
Yeah, you never forget your first. Mine was my old partner, Joe.
Turned out he was working for the East Germans.
While I was strangling him, I stuck my thumb in his eye and popped his eye out.
Without severing the nerve, I turned it around so he could watch himself die.
My God, Bad Larry.
One time, can I get a hand?
What about you, Stan? Who was your first?
Now, I'm a gentleman. I never kill and tell.
Oh, come on. It's just us guys.
Okay. I shot a guy.
Who? Come on. We want details.
It was this Russian spy. You guys don't know him. He was from Canada.
Oh, yeah? Where'd you shoot him?
- In the body. - Where in the body?
The front. The front of the body.
Hey, how about when you kill someone dead...
...and then afterwards, your hands smell like wet dog?
Wet dog?
Well, you know what I mean. Something dog. Whose deal is it?
You didn't kill anyone today.
I don't think you've ever killed anyone.
What are you...? I've totally killed people.
Hey, anyone notice that Chilly is really an alien?
- You're a virgin. - I am not a virgin.
Big, macho Stan is a killing virgin.
You never popped your cherry.
- No. L... l... - He never...
My soufflé.
Well, he's my ride, so I should get going too.
It's probably a good thing since I've been getting complete crap all nigh...
- Who's in? - Fold.
- Damn it.
Don't look at me. I'm a disgrace.
Come on, Stan. Get in the car. We have to talk about what happened.
Now, should I have folded that pair of threes?
Roger, I've never killed anyone.
Don't you wanna know how that's possible?
Yeah, sure. We can talk about your thing first, I guess.
It all started when I was a rookie agent 20 years ago.
I'd been following this spy for months, and finally had him cornered.
Sorry, folks. Spilled my beer. Sorry.
What are you doing?
Don't shoot me in the stomach. That's stupid.
It probably won't even kill me.
Is this your first time or something?
Oh, my God, it is.
Well, you're terrible at it. You are terrible.
And you'll never be any good. Never.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't pull the trigger.
I just froze up.
I took credit for the kill, but since then, I've never been able to do the deed.
But I thought you've killed a bunch of people.
Not exactly.
Yep, I still got it.
Hey, you're that virgin from the subway. How you been, virgin?
I've been up and down myself. Sweet Lady Cancer took one of my nads.
Everyone thought I was this badass CIA agent, so I went with it.
And that's who I became. For myself, my wife and my kids.
Roger, they can never find out the truth. They'd be devastated.
Hey, don't worry. Your secret is safe with me.
Look, I'll tell you one of mine so we're even.
I return stuff to the Gap all the time.
- Liar! Your whole life has been a lie! - Damn it, Roger.
You're not a killer of men, you're a killer of truth.
- Steve, it's not... - You made me look like a real jerk.
I'm a jerk. You know what it's like to be made a jerk of?
I've been walking around wondering who the jerk is...
...and then, bam, I'm the jerk.
You made me a jerk, Pop. Aren't we a fine pair?
The jerk and the guy that made him a jerk.
Oh, Daddy, I just knew you couldn't be a cold-blooded killer.
- I'm so proud of you. - No.
Why don't you come with me to the Citizens' Protest Caucus?
Together, we'll pick blueberries for peace.
- I loved you. - Everyone, just relax.
So Stan hasn't killed anyone.
He's still the same person he was last night.
It's just our opinion of him that's changed.
- You told them I'm a killing virgin? - Stan, come on. I'm a gossip.
I reveal people's darkest secrets so I can seem momentarily interesting.
You know who else does that? Hayley.
- What are you guys doing here? - Chilly called us.
You can't go on being a virgin.
Which is why we're gonna take you out and get you your first kill.
And you'll be doing your killing with this.
No? All right, then everyone scoot back. I gotta whack this thing on the ground.
I don't know about this, guys.
Hey, pal, relax. We brought you to the best place in town.
Inside are the most pathetic people in the city, with nothing to live for.
It's like Applebee's with a bar.
Oh, wait, Applebee's has a bar. It's like Applebee's.
Stan, look who I met at the bar. This is Gladys.
She's 46. Never been married, despite years of trying.
Had a hysterectomy, so even if she does find that special someone...
...there's no chance she'll have kids. You should kill her.
I can't. She's too tall. I don't wanna kill anyone too tall.
Everyone, this is James. I found him curled up under the dart machine...
...smelling of urine and despair.
His sport jacket, as you can see, is made of newspapers.
He keeps mumbling that he'd rather die than pay alimony...
...which, in my book, is a green light.
You guys want me to shoot a guy named James? As in Jim?
Like Jim Davis, the guy who opened up his heart and gave us Garfield?
This is Mark. He created that TV show Quintuplets.
Me liked the one where they went to prom.
That one was terrible. They were all terrible.
That was awful. I can't stand the whole bar scene.
Hey, it was your first night out there. You'll find the right one soon.
- Well, how will I know it's the right one? - Oh, you'll know.
When you find the one, you just know.
You seem awfully knowledgeable about all this. Have you ever...?
- Well, I served in the war. - There was a space war?
Space war?
No, no. I fought for the Vietcong in the late '60s.
I've told you that story, right? Well, the end of it is we won.
- Steve, what are you doing? - Drinking beer in my underwear.
Put that down and go put on some clothes this instant.
Or you can shut up!
This is a little uncomfortable.
There we are.
I'm your father. You can't talk to me that way.
Yeah? What you gonna do, kill me?
- Maybe Steve is your one. - I can't kill my own son.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Now I refer you back to my previous statement, shut up!
- Get the door. - Boy, he is rough on you.
He is elephant-making-love-to-a-cat rough on you.
Hi. Sorry to disturb you.
My name's Randy. I just moved in with my mom down the street.
I'm throwing empties at your head.
I was recently released from prison...
...and the law requires me to tell everyone within a two-mile radius...
...that I'm a registered sex offender.
I threw peanuts at you.
I used to work over at the water park, where I molested a ton of kids.
But now I'm out, so we'll see what happens.
Sorry, my mind's a million miles away. Now, what are you selling?
Hey, shut the door. You're letting all the air out.
So smooth. Can I come in?
I would very much like to come in. I would like to be in your home.
Chicken strips on a TV tray in five minutes...
...or I'm kicking your ass!
Hey, killer. How was the kill?
You need to wash the blood off your hands?
Oh, better yet, don't.
Well, I didn't actually kill anyone. I tried to...
I'm tired. I have a headache. I have a lot of work to do.
My back hurts. It's that time of the month. I have an early meeting.
That's my pencil sharpener.
Just sharpening my pencils for my meeting tomorrow.
All right, Stan. Now, don't be nervous. This place is a sure thing.
I'm gonna do it this time, guys.
Good. Now, if you start to get nervous, picture them naked.
You start to get really nervous, make them get naked.
Still nervous, you get naked.
You can do whatever you want. You're killing these people.
Oh, good, you're here. Come on in.
We're in bit of a hurry. We have to catch a comet.
Now, according to the laws of Zargon...
...we need an outsider to deliver the poison...
...which will return us to our planet. You must be the chosen ones.
You were the first to reply to our post on Craigslist.
- How awesome is Craigslist? - That's how I met my hiking buddy.
And that bitch who stole all my stuff.
Okay, now, which one of you will be releasing us to freedom?
Our boy Stan, right here.
Is there a problem?
- What are you waiting for? - Hurry.
Is this the first time you've poisoned people?
Come on, do it, do it, do it!
Right now is my acting class. I'm letting down my scene partner.
So I like your shower caps. Sells "crazy" right away.
There you are. I've been calling your cell.
I got you a part in a snuff film. You'll be killing Stacy Keach.
Oh, what is this? I don't get this.
I was picking blueberries for peace with my daughter. Who was I kidding?
I'm a wimpy non-killer who doesn't have the guts to end another human's life.
I'll set up the juicer so we can make empathy smoothies.
I see you've noticed our unitards. We're trying out for gymnastics.
That's right, I'm defying you with a handspring.
Good luck. Wish me luck on bottling my own preserves.
- My blueberries. - Look at yourself.
Look at what you've become.
You're not gonna find the one picking blueberries.
Give it up, Roger. There is no "one." That person doesn't exist.
No "one" is just gonna magically fall into my lap.
That's it. That's the one. The guy who came to my house.
This whole time, I was going out looking for it when it was down the street...
...living with its mother and watching The Sandlot on DVD.
- Stan? - It was right there...
...and I couldn't even see it.
- Stan? - I guess that's why it's perfect.
You don't even realize it's happening...
- Stan! - What?
Steve just rode away in that pedophile's ice-cream truck.
Oh, my God. He had ice cream at lunch.
Are you Randy's mother?
I need to find your son. He drove off with my boy.
Oh, dear. Randy used to work at the water park before the troubles.
You might wanna check there.
He also kills cats!
So...
...you know.
What an awesome place. Thanks for bringing us, Randy.
No problem. Hey, do you kids sometimes kiss your pillow...
...and pretend it's one of the Little Rascals?
- No. - Me neither.
How would you like to see the old mattress...
...in my secret spy lair behind the waterfall?
Yeah.
I need a ticket. My son is about to be molested.
- Sixty-five dollars. - Sixty-five? That's outrageous.
If you have a soda can, you get in for half price.
I hope my son's still about to be molested. I need a ticket.
I'm sorry, I can't accept a full can. It has to be empty.
Polar bears shouldn't give this to their babies.
All right, clear a path. Some people work for a living.
- You guys need tickets. - CIA.
Wow, that bums me out.
Perry-Ellis-wallet owner. Out of my way.
Chilly told us what happened.
- We got here as soon as we could. - Find the boys.
There's not a moment to lose.
Sanchez Montezuma, INS, Churro and Sopaipilla Division.
I'm confiscating all these churros.
And a milk, please.
See? Isn't playing Popcorn fun?
- Something doesn't seem right here. - Yeah.
At the very least, we should have popped by now.
I'm the salt. All kernels have to wrestle me to get salted.
- Freeze, dirtbag. - Dad.
- It's all over, Randy. Time to die. - Okay, yeah. I get it.
Aren't you...? Aren't you gonna apologize and beg for your life?
No. Look, I'm a sex offender. I love offensive sex.
I offend people with the sex I have.
That's who I am and that's who I'll always be.
My God, boys. We can all take a page from Randy the molester's book.
He's comfortable with who he is, and I should be as well.
So I'm not a killer. If it happens for me, and I kill someone, great. If not, fine.
But it's not going to be what defines me.
I don't need to kill someone to prove anything to you, myself or anyone else.
Thanks for saving us. I'm sorry for the way I acted.
Just because you haven't killed anyone doesn't mean you're not a great dad.
Yeah. That's nice.
You're going away for a long time, Randy.
- Not as long as you might think. - What do you mean?
I've got a great lawyer, and my mom's got a ton of money.
I'll be back out on the streets in no time.
I don't think so.
Once again, Bad Larry, I am so sorry.
I can't believe you fired a shot that completely missed Randy...
...and went through the waterfall, hitting Bad Larry who was on the other side.
What? I'm just trying to make sure we're all clear.
I'm not gonna make it.
See, Stan? It was me all along.
I was your one, and you didn't even know it.
- Bad Larry. - Hey, hey, no tears, you.
I am one bad Bad Larry.
I'll never forget you, Bad Larry. You'll always be my first.
I'm... I'm glad it was me.
And I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
- What'd he mean by that? - Who cares? He's dead.
I know it's just a corn dog, but you'll never forget it.
Where did I park my car?
Daddy. You're just in time to go with me to pick raspberries for justice.
Go to hell, Hayley. That's not who I am. Take off that unitard, or I'll kill you.
- You so would. - Did you kill someone?
- Yep. - Did you wash the blood off your hands?
I sure didn't, honey. I sure didn't.
Here it is. My big chance. Last line of the show.
I've got an area. Something about Rutger Hauer.
Oh, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. No. No, Fox local news. No!
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