Yeah, I killed my college roommate.
I can't believe you didn't know that.
I stabbed her.
Sorry I'm late, gang. Play rehearsal went long.
We just found out Raisin in the Sun has an all-black cast,
so we're sort of scrambling.
I had to swing by Home Depot for a bag of charcoal.
- Oh, I'm sure it'll be great. - Yeah, when can we see it?
You will not be attending this abortion.
The director's an idiot, the lead can barely speak English,
and the second lead is 30 pounds overweight.
P.-S : I'm the second lead, and I'm starving.
A calzone for Kirk Douglas here.
Now, I have an announcement.
New cell phones!
Heads up, spaceman.
I get a phone?
You're putting me on your family plan?
Roger, what Dad's trying to say is that you're a Smith.
We couldn't start a new family plan without you.
Steve's right. Steve also needs to learn
how to keep his trap shut and let me finish my own moment.
You defiled my moment, son. Right in front of my wife.
Sorry, Dad, I'm just really happy for Roger.
That's sweet of you to say, Scottie.
That's my nickname for you!
I chose it 'cause Scottie is your favorite Star Trek character.
What he does isn't glamorous, but he keeps the Enterprise running.
The snack cakes are ready. Family Game Night can start.
Prepare yourselves, people.
The concert of the century is upon us!
Behold!
Fabulous Thunderbirds, bitches!
I remember the Thunderbirds.
Didn't Stevie Ray Vaughan play with them for a while?
Better. Stevie Ray Vaughan's older brother, Jimmie.
You guys are so stoked!
- But we never said we wanted to see... - Look, I got us killer seats.
Dead center in the loge. Only $17.50 each.
$17.50 per person?
I know. Can you believe it?!
I'm not charging you the Ticketmaster fee.
I'm eating that.
Along with a big, fat, pot brownie.
I am gonna freak the hell out, man!
Full moon tonight.
Roger, there you are. You're late for Family Game Night.
- Sorry guys, I have to miss Game Night. - What?!
Yeah, the director called a last-second dress rehearsal.
- Can't you skip it? - I wish.
The production's a mess and it opens tomorrow.
Guess my practical joke of sneaking in and trashing the stage last night
didn't really bond the cast like I was hoping it would.
Be home at 10:00.
Let's go see Roger's play tomorrow.
I know he said not to, but we should support him
as a member of the family.
Hands, please.
Dear Lord, please, bless these dice
and my little wheelbarrow.
And please, Lord, give me the strength
to resist the temptation to buy the railroads.
Okay, let's do this.
Five! One, two, three, four... Reading Railroad. I'll buy it!
All right, here's the theater.
Remember, we're gonna sit in the back so we don't make Roger nervous.
I hope there's male nudity.
See a package. A stranger's package.
The theater's closed.
Excuse me, sir. Is there some kind of play going on tonight?
Not likely.
This building's been closed almost two years now.
Really?
How come you're still sweeping up then?
I love to sweep. It's my passion.
Simple to learn, impossible to master.
Just like making love.
Would you like me to tell you how a broom's like a phallus?
- Maybe next time. - It'll only take a second.
They have the same basic shape!
Don't leave me!
- That's so bizarre. - I know.
Why would Roger lie to us about being in a play?
Hey, that's Roger's cell phone.
It's a text message from someone named Christie.
She says she's running late and will be at Pizza Overlord in 30 mn.
Wait, Roger's not in a play.
He's got a girlfriend!
- Why wouldn't he just tell us? - Maybe he's embarrassed of her.
Oh, God, she's probably hideous.
I bet she's huge.
Well, even if she is, Roger doesn't need to hide her from us.
We should go to Pizza Overlord
and introduce ourselves to Roger's new girlfriend.
- What a great idea! - Why not?!
Anyone else kind of hoping she's a midget?
Well, now that you've put the image in my head, yes.
But not the Verne Troyer kind.
That's too midgety.
Now remember, Roger's part of the family.
So if his girlfriend is a midget,
we shouldn't make fun of her to her face.
We'll go to the bathroom in pairs and laugh it out in there.
Let's partner up. Me and Hayley versus you two.
Oh, my God!
Roger's not seeing a girl behind our back.
He's seeing another family!
I love doing "breadstick walrus" for ya, Scottie.
You and I, we get each other.
He's cheating on us!
Family photo!
In three, two...
I can't believe Roger is seeing another family behind our back.
Why would he do that? I mean, are we not enough for him?
Obviously not!
I feel so stupid.
My women's intuition picked up on this
five days ago and I mistook it for ghosts.
That son of a bitch!
"Scottie's your nickname.
"He's your favorite Star Trek character."
Stan, you didn't say one single word on the way home.
- Doesn't this bother you? - Bother me?
Why would it bother me? I'm just looking through
the mail acting super-regular.
He called me by the other boy's name!
Who wants pizza?!
I wish you guys hadn't left the restaurant so fast.
I wanted to introduce you to the actors from my play.
- That's who I was sitting with. - Actors?
Then why were you taking a family photo with them?
Oh, that?
Family of actors, Hayley. Family of actors.
Have you never heard of the Barrymores, the Baldwins, the Olsens, the Fondas,
the Estevez-slash-Sheens, the Gabors, the Redgraves,
the Beatty-MacLaines, the Arquettes?
The Quaids, the Batemans, the Culkins, the Cusacks, the Afflecks...
the Wayans, the Douglases, the Bridges, the Dillons...
the Zimbalists.
- Okay, I cheated on you. - You broke my heart!
Steve, that was your Grandma's.
Steve, I'm sorry. I made a mistake.
Look, those people you saw me with,
I met them a couple of weeks ago at a street fair in Little Eritrea.
I was buying the jersey of my favorite Eritrean soccer player,
Debesai Ghierghis Ogbazghi, when a family approached me.
Mr. Johnson explained that Ogbazghi was also his son's favorite player.
We then traded a few hilarious stories about Eritrean soccer.
They asked me if I wanted to hang out sometime,
and I stupidly said yes.
Sheesh.
I'm sorry! I was an idiot, okay?
It was a moment of weakness, and it'll never happen again.
- Can you forgive me? - Roger, I think we need some time.
Yes, of course. I understand.
- Without you. - Yes, of course.
I'm sorry, but you've hurt us, and we can't see you right now.
My foot! I'm bleeding!
It stopped.
Hey, that reminds me, I'm gonna need my breakfast to go.
Just "wrap it up. I'll take it."
- What? - "Wrap It Up. I'll Take It."
The Fabulous Thunderbirds.
It's one of their two mind-blowing hits.
"Oh" is right, baby!
BTW, I haven't gotten ticket money from any of you,
which is cool. I know you're good for it.
I just wanted to use it to buy some brats to tailgate.
I'm not charging you for that either; that's my pleasure.
I only have one question, though.
Are you... "Tuff Enuff"?
Is that another song?
This guy gets it!
Look what I found. Another gift from Roger.
A cheap heart-shaped box of chocolates.
That'll fit right where my heart used to be!
I wonder if he's still outside.
Go back to your whore family!
Come on. Let's go to another room.
Anybody seen that billboard for the local news?
I'm supposed to believe that this town's best reporters
happen to be from five different races?!
How did you get in? We changed the locks.
I followed you into the market, and when you weren't looking,
I took your keys and replaced them with yogurt.
Yogurt? How the hell?
I guess we all figured you'd be with Scottie.
How is he, by the way? Has he been worrying about whether having boners
at night means he's gay? Because I have.
I haven't seen him, Steve.
And now I'd like to read selections from my letter of apology.
"Dear Family,
"I'm deeply sorry,
I've had no further contact with the Johnsons, blah."
Here's the part I think will get you:
"Without you, I'm a butterfly
"who can't find the breeze to carry it".
God, I thought that was too much, but now that I hear it, it's just right.
I can't hold it in anymore!
I missed this!
- What are you talking about? - This! Him!
The non-existent letters! There's nothing written on this!
That's all off the top of his head! I missed this silly son of a bitch!
- Me too. - I know!
Let's forgive him. Let's forgive him and let's forget!
God, I'm gonna hug him!
I've missed you, too!
Move aside.
Don't ever hurt me again.
"Don't go chasing waterfalls
"Dance break.
"Please stick to the rivers
"And the lakes that you're used to..."
We're heading out to dinner. Wanna come?
- Where we grubbin'? - To the food court at the mall.
The mall?
No, I can't go dressed like this.
Please, look how Hayley's dressed.
And that hair.
Well, I'm not happy with your appearance.
That was a delicious mall lobster.
Tony?
I'm gonna go to the Tommy Bahama store and... chill.
Roger, that man is talking to you.
- I don't think so. - Tony, it's me, Norman.
- He's definitely talking to you. - Why would you say that?
- I'm sorry. Do I know you? - Very funny, T.
We just ate with him here an hour ago. I can't believe you're eating again.
He's obviously crazy.
- He's acting like he doesn't know us. - I need to get out!
There are others.
What?! You said that family at the pizza place was the only one.
How many other families are there?
I could ask you the same question!
It wouldn't make any sense, but I could do it!
I told you I didn't want to go to the mall.
I can't believe I let you back in.
I feel so stupid!
I feel like one of those women who marries her rapist!
You're dead to me!
You can't have both! It's either us or them!
Don't make me choose!
I'm horrible at choosing!
- Choose! - No, don't make me!
- You must! - No! No! Them.
I'm better at choosing than I thought.
You're choosing those other families over us?
Look, I'm sorry, but I'm not a one-family alien.
I need variety!
It doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means...
Well, you can't eat chicken for every meal, you know?
It's nothing against you and it's nothing against chicken.
How good is chicken, though? Let's talk about that.
Over rice? Are you kidding me?!
Then I guess this is good-bye, Roger.
I'll need your phone back.
Fine.
Which one is yours?
You think you're the first family that's put me on its plan?
I got phones from the Millers, the Yangs,
the DuBonais.
It's ringing.
Bonjour,
Monsieur DuBonais.
Pour moi? Maintenant?
Alors, j'ai besoin du jambon avec la moutarde
et les oeufs, et les baguettes... Limonade?
Deux... deux limonades.
Stop that!
I'll send for my things.
Four Guatemalans will be here Thursday morning at 7:00
with boxes and packing tape.
Under no circumstances are you to feed them or tip them.
If the job is done well, they will each be rewarded
with a large fries.
- Haven't heard from Roger in days. - Who cares?!
What bums me out is that you traded St. James for Marvin Gardens.
Look, Steve has the whole corner now.
If I roll a four through a seven, I have to give that all my money.
Good, you're all here together.
Now again, about the tickets, just so you know,
I've got people on the Craigslist
- who are willing to pay over face. - Maybe you should just sell 'em.
That wasn't cool of me to pressure you.
You take your time.
And if you've never been to a concert with me,
you are in for a treat.
I yell constantly!
Oh, sorry, the calendar was a month off.
I thought it was my father's birthday again.
Now who is this and why are you calling?
You were his emergency contact. We didn't know what else to do.
What happened to him?
Well, take a look at this security video.
He arrives with this family at 9:00 A.M.
Churros, elephant ears, the whole nine yards.
By 11:00 A.M.,
he was in line for the flume, which he rode 16 times,
all with different families.
Two hours later, he's Puss 'N Boots with yet another family,
eating a caramel apple, watching an animatronic bear play the fiddle.
As the day progressed, he was with 9 more families
in nine more outfits, the rights to which I doubt he owns,
until we found him like this, gurgling, slumped over a teacup
and urinating on a pinwheel.
I went on a family bender.
I have a problem!
Help me!
You're here for me after all I've put you through?
You're good, simple people.
You're an addict, Roger,
but luckily, we found someone who can help.
Remember where you got your retainer?
Upstairs from there is a psychologist.
- And what's upstairs from there? - I think an SAT preparation class.
I'll go.
Everyone, this is Roger.
He'll be joining us.
Roger, why don't you tell everyone
what your expectations are for group therapy?
Okay, first of all, I don't believe in any of this therapy nonsense.
The Logans!
Oh, my God, the Logans!
The 1st family I ever lived with, and then they abandoned me years ago,
and I haven't been able to trust anybody ever since!
Thank you, doctor. You are a miracle worker.
You see that, people? That's how you share.
That's a freakin' breakthrough.
You make me sick!
Oh, my God, there it is: the Logan house.
I haven't been back here for 17 years.
Ever since we took that family road trip to Montana.
When we stopped for gas, everybody had a chore.
Mine was to get Doritos.
Cool Ranch had just come out. It was...
what a summer.
But when I got back to the pumps, they were gone.
This was good. Let's go home, Stan.
No, Roger, you have to confront them.
It's important to face your fears.
You know, there was a time when I was terrified
of an uncircumcised penis.
So I moved to Brussels and hunkered down in a gym locker room for six long days.
You're right. I've got to get past this.
These khakis are tight on me.
- Charles? - Oh, my God.
Brad, Jenny,
you hurt me. You hurt me bad.
You made it impossible for me to have healthy relationships
with other families. I need to know.
Why did you leave me like that?
You rented a room from us and refused to pay.
- I paid you in laughter! - We were afraid of you!
Jenny, you better shut up right now or I will cut your face.
You missed out.
These people, the Smiths,
they love me, with all my faults.
- What's going on? - Oh, look, it's Tyler.
All grown up like a big shot.
You turned out cute.
Real cute.
Damn it.
I'm laughing now 'cause I'm nervous.
Oh, boy, these khakis are not gettin' any looser.
Let's go home.
You mean you're ready to give up the others?
I'm a one-family alien.
There's just one more thing.
My phone that you can't personalize the ring on
that I'm happy to have.
11:00 A.M.?!
That... that can't be!
I went to bed at 6:00 last night, just for a little catnap
to keep me fresh for the Fabulous Thunderbirds!
I- I slept for 17 hours?!
That game is so scary!
You really think you're gonna die when he tags you.
Then when you realize you're still alive,
it makes you laugh!
There you are! We missed you at the concert.
You went?!
Why did nobody wake me?
Isn't there a saying about not waking a sleeping fish?
What?!
It was the perfect family night.
Don't worry, Klaus. Your ticket didn't go to waste.
We gave it to that koala bear from the CIA
with the brain of a homeless man.
Hey, girl.
- Hey, girl, I know you hear me. - What?!
Easy, baby. I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut.
Except I'm a koala.
Reginald didn't have a job
The weather was changin'
He looked like a slob
But then one cold, dark winter day
Came along an opportuni-tay
So he followed the address
to get his free meal
On the surface, it looked
like a hell of a deal
But when he took his first bite
They put the helmet on tight
Then he heard the hum
Of a hundred-million-watt
laser!
It was scary, y'all.
He's Reginald, and he used to be nothin'
Now he's a koala,
and he's cute as a button!
He's Reginald,
and he used to be nothin'
Now he's a koala,
and he's cute as a button
Now he's a koala,
and he's cute as a button!
Anyways, maybe sometimes
I'll be on missions,
and sometimes I'll just be here at the house.
But my #1 duty is
to say howdy-doody to your fruity.
He's cute as a button.