Francine, if your cooking gets any better
I'm gonna have to get a stomach staple, then bust it out Roker-style.
Poor Roker. He will always be fat.
It's this new deep fryer.
It just makes every single thing delicious.
Look, I dropped my pen in there by mistake.
Fantastic.
Speaking of things fantastic,
behold.
I've sewn on all my new scout badges.
That's for pervert awareness,
that's for interior design
and that one's sushi.
I can identify over 60 types of sushi with their correct Japanese names.
Unagi, hamachi...
salmon roll.
What ever happened to "pitching a tent?"
That was part of "pervert awareness".
Lines like that are what earned me my zinger badge.
Okay, let's see who made the crime beat today.
No better way to shame a first-time petty lawbreaker
than by plastering their picture all over the paper.
- My God, guess who's in here? - Santa?
It's a local crime beat.
- Is it Hayden Panettiere? - Who?
I don't even know who... It's a local... Forget it.
- It's Kristy White. - What'd she do?
She got busted getting high in the parking lot of the multiplex.
- What movie was she seeing? - The new Pixar movie,Clothes.
It's about the secret lives of clothes.
John Ratzenberger plays a tie.
Hey, neighbor. Nice mug in the local crime beat.
Listen, I just mowed my lawn. You wanna smoke the excess grass?
My wife's brought shame to my entire family.
I guess you ate a slice of "Humboldt" pie.
Like Humboldt county where they grow the best stuff?
I have no idea how I know that. I blame rap lyrics.
Damn you, Heavy D.
First I engaged in hyperbole, then I made a pun,
and finally I blamed rap.
- There, you're all caught up. - That is so unfair.
The law against pot makes no sense
and people shouldn't be publicly shamed for not following it.
Hayley's against the pot laws.
Well, like it or not, Hayley, it's the law.
Laws protect us and create order.
We don't question them, we obey them. Or they put you in the paper.
Well, it's a stupid law.
Well, I think your face is a stupid law.
I was captain of the debate team in high school.
Well, because the rest of the team died in a horrible bus accident.
They based that movie The Sweet Hereafter on it.
Never saw it. Francine wanted to see it,
but I convinced her to see Ace Ventura 2.
Because I was captain of the debate team. And we're back in.
Hayley, here's what I know:
I'm off to deliver food to the elderly to earn my gerontology badge.
I have this bike helmet which crushes my ears,
itches my head, and gives me Bonnie Franklin hair.
Now, why do I wear it? Because it's the law.
- Right, Dad? - Right, Steve.
Good kid.
Going the wrong way.
I get turned around sometimes.
1,199,
1,200.
Pretty.
One,
two...
- Did I miss happy hour? - Yeah, just.
- What's troubling you, friend? - My great aunt has died.
Will you look at... Somebody picked out all the wasabi peas.
When's the next time I'm gonna get to Trader Joe's?
The parking lot's a nightmare.
Anyway,
there was a notice in the paper.
Some lawyers in D.C. are looking for me to give me an inheritance.
Okay, not bored yet. Keep talking.
They say I have to claim the money in person,
but I can't because the CIA made me a freaking fish!
Well, now bored.
Three...
four... I'll be the best-looking one at the car show.
Five... six.
Wait a minute.
You are given to disguises from time to time, yes?
If it's the same Roger
who takes pints down at the Cat and the Fiddle,
he is prone to disguises.
I also hear he's wanted in a string of prostitute murders, he is.
Wunderbar!
You can pretend to be me, go to the lawyers' office,
and claim the inheritance.
I do like pretend...
but I don't like you.
But I do like lawyers...
but I don't like offices.
But I do like peaches...
Throw in a peach and I'll do it.
Who loves cute little kitties?
Guilty.
Then you'll love this.
The city pound is now keeping cats for only two days
before they have them destroyed.
In other news, citing health concerns,
the Langley Falls city council has banned
the sale, use and consumption of all trans fats.
Which is good news for health nuts, bad news for Kirstie Alley.
Now you reminded me of the dead kittens.
Well, if that's the law, then we're gonna have to follow it.
What the hell, Francine? This tastes like crap!
I know.
I used to cook everything in oil containg trans fat,
but since the new law, you can't get it anymore.
That's what trans fat is?
The stuff that makes everything taste wonderful?
Why doesn't the city council just declare a war on flavor?
Like the English did years ago.
- Their food is atrocious. - I miss Lady Di.
- She was the peoples' princess. - I know who she was, Steven.
You know what? If the city council says
I have to live without trans fat, so be it.
Won't stop me from enjoying my dinner.
Good boy, Cheesers. Later we'll go for ice cream.
Because corn dogs are fried.
I haven't seen you round these parts.
Well, I was hanging out over there by the batteries for a while,
but, yeah, now I'm here... in this part.
You know, as long as I'm here, I might as well do my marketing.
- Anything I can help you find? - Well, there is one thing...
Are you gonna tell me what it is?
You know what, I'm just gonna eat at my desk.
I want you in my mouth!
Are you alone in there?
What's going on in there?
I smell good things,
And I've never smelled good things in here before.
Be out in a moment.
Finishing up now.
Just one guy left... he fell behind his friends.
Why do you have a fork?
It's not a pretty story, sir.
Withdrawn.
Remember, Roger, if you're gonna help me get that inheritance,
- you're going to have to be me. - Got it.
What's my favorite food?
Trick question. You have no taste buds.
- What's my first pet's name? - Monkey, the golden retriever.
- My favorite movie? - Dude, Where's My...
We're doing this the wrong way.
Perhaps I should tell you all this stuff first.
Do that.
Mom, this is delicious.
Too delicious. This is fried in trans fat.
- Mom, how could you... - Don't you judge me.
Do you know how hard it is to cook for this family?
Not very. But I can't handle much.
Steve, don't eat those. Trans fats are illegal.
Dad, are you breaking the law?
Yes, son, but it's a stupid law. It shouldn't exist to begin with.
So, since the trans fat law is stupid, we don't have to follow it?
Smart boy.
What can I buy you? New baseball mitt, skateboard?
- Can I have a bunny? - To kill?
No, to love.
Geez.
Dad, you're such a hypocrite.
Besides that law is totally legit. Trans fat can kill...
Now am I supposed to get that?!
It's too much! It's all too much!
Okay, Jer, see you in a few days.
Sure thing, Stan. Let me know if that lotto ticket's a winner.
You'll be the first to hear, buddy.
Well, after my boss when I tell him to stick it.
There goes the only man I'll ever love.
Evening, Officer. What brings you here?
Turlington, Internal Affairs.
I've been assigned to watch the city line and inspect for trans fats.
That sounds pretty boring.
What do you say you and me go around the corner
and make your job a lot more exciting?
I can tell by your lack of interest that I was kidding.
Pretty smart, aren't you?
You wouldn't happen to be bringing any trans fat across city lines, would you?
'Cause I'd hate to see your smart face on the crime beat.
Crime beat?!
Lovely day for a fast, short backward drive, isn't it?
What he's doing back there?
Well, not my jurisdiction. My jurisdiction lies this way.
This quiet direction here.
Well, that was just delightful.
So, Officer, if you need to search my car, feel free, because I've got...
Oh, wait!
... nothing to hide.
Hello, all.
Well, you have the smoking, down.
- And the club foot. - I have everything down.
- Oh, do you? - Indeed.
- Favorite sausage? - Weiswurst.
- With? - Sauerkraut.
- Baseball player? - Shonweiss.
- Made-up word? - Scheigelbarben.
I have nothing left to teach you. You are ready for the lawyers.
Wait there is something else you should know.
I bedazzled my genitalia.
Then we have a happy coincidence going on here!
Mine says "ABBA."
Honey, what's the matter? What is it?
I'm pregnant, aren't I?
That's it, isn't it?! I'm pregnant!
You told me I was on the pill!
No, you're not pregnant, thank God.
I wouldn't want to bring a child into a world
where I can't get any more trans fat.
- What? - They're onto me.
- I can't smuggle... - Don't give me "can't".
You're gonna have to try harder or you're the one
who's gonna tell this chick it's not gonna be fried!
You look into its sweet, innocent face and say:
"I'm sorry, Penny,
"we're out of trans fat! You won't be fried today!"
Because I will not do it.
- How'd you like to get that bunny? - Would I? I already have a name for it,
but I'm not ready to tell anybody.
Whiskers.
I'm mad at myself.
All right, there's your trans fats.
I'll see you next week. And, you know, kiss your dad for me.
Kiss him hard!
Take the breath out of his lungs.
I want him to have to sit down.
Look innocent, smile,
and tell him "hello"
as if you've got nothing to hide.
We did it, bike!
I feel so good I'm going to ride the next mile side-saddle.
Well?
My boy! Tonight we feast.
- And this is for you, kiddo. - A bunny!
You've earned it. You're a first-rate smuggler.
What a cute little bunny!
I'm gonna pop you right in the fryer.
Okay, here we are, Mrs. Washburn.
Steve, I need my t-fats.
Why are you wasting time helping little old ladies across the street?
Well, it's kind of page one of the Scout Manual, Dad. And...
Well played, son. Way to mix it up.
But what about me?
You walked me clear across the city line
and 40 blocks more.
I kept telling you, "No, I live there!"
I live back there!
Not my problem, grandma.
Time for 60 years of kegel exercises to pay off.
Gentlemen, my name is Klaus Heisler.
Mr. Heisler. We've been looking for you.
Indeed. I was born to Peasants in the quaint Hamlet of...
Actually, we just need you to sign this affidavit
swearing that you are who you say you are.
Really? But I had to sit through so many boring stories about my life.
- Kill him. - What's happening?
We're gonna give you what you have coming.
Wait! Why are you bearing down on me menacingly?
I'm Klaus, I tell you.
Danke schön! Oktoberfest! German!
Bye-bye, mein lieber Herr, farewell mein lieber Herr,
It was a fine affair, but now it's over
Stupid law.
Hello, officer. What can I do you for?
I've seen you come this way an awful lot, lately.
I always figured you to be a trustworthy scout ranger.
Then I noticed you weren't wearing your helmet and I thought,
"Maybe he's not so trustworthy."
Right. I donated it to "Helmets for Humanity."
They give me helmets to landmine victims in developing countries.
My helmet's the only thing holding a Cambodian boy's head together.
What's in the basket?
Sandwiches for the poor.
How about you throw a turkey sandwich and I'll turn the other way.*
I'll pay you 4.25 for it.
Good. I'll get my money which I keep under the passenger seat.
4.22...
4.23...
Will you take 4.23?
Mama! If you can hear me,
it's Daniel.
I want that sandwich.
A nickel.
Sorry, just ran out.
Mama?
Mama, we were too late.
What's with all these empty trans fat cans?
Recycling.
Just pleasuring Mother Earth, like a young boy should. Bye!
Look where he's headed, Mama. Right into my jurisdiction.
This isn't home.
My coordinates must be off.
* I gotta get this thing recalibrated.
Ambush, huh?
Now that I think about it, there is one thing I left out.
Back home, I had a terrible gambling problem.
Owed a fortune to the East-German mafia.
I guess they were trying to smoke me out.
Oh, my God, we fell for that one, didn't we?
Use your board. Use your message board.
"How cute is Daniel Day Lewis?"
Good! The morphine is finally kicking in.
Dad! I got pulled over at the city line,
and then officer Turlington followed me home.
Steve, did he catch you with the...?
I ate all the evidence before he could find it.
Attamule.
I think I'm gonna go lie down. I'm feeling a little sweaty.
I wonder if it's connected to all those cans of trans fat I ate.
There's a shooting pain in my left arm.
And my chest hurts.
That's so weird.
Dad!
I think I'm having a heart attack.
Steve, we gotta get you to the hospital.
Don't do it.
Turlington's on to us.
We'll be found out and...
shamed in the paper.
But it's not too late.
We can kill Turlington.
Or firebomb the newspaper, or both!
We can't.
Why? 'Cause it's illegal to kill a cop who's up in your business?
But that's a stupid law. And it's okay to break those, right?
What have I done?
I've turned my own son into an amoral smuggler
who believes you can pick and choose which laws you follow.
Dad!
This is it.
Steve, no! Don't go to the light!
Go as close to the light as you can,
and then ask my grand-father why Jim Nabors was at his funeral.
But then come back.
Steve, can you hear me?
Local crime beat be damned! I'm taking you to the hospital.
Unless of course this kick revives you.
- Dad? - He's waking up.
- What happened? - Son, you're okay.
Turns out you didn't have a heart attack after all.
Which in my opinion makes all your dramatics on the kitchen floor
a bit uncalled for, but whatever, you thought what you thought.
You have angina.
Which, according to Dr. Natterson, sounds like vagina.
I don't know about that, but he's the doctor.
Dad, you... You brought me to the hospital?
Of course I did, son.
Having you safe and sound is all that matters.
But that means your picture is gonna be in the paper tomorrow.
It was in the paper 6 weeks ago, you've been in a medically-induced coma.
I was shamed, I suffered, and I moved on.
And frankly, the family's recently been far more concerned
with Roger's runaway banana boat.
It's been quite a story. A little big, but funny.