Steve, is that Irish Spring?
Smells great,
super foresty.
Thanks. I've been using it so long I don't even notice it anymore.
- Look at Steve Smith. - Is it supposed to be curved like that?
Get that thing straightened out!
What are they talking about? It's not curved. Is it, fellas?
All right, first, I'm not looking down. And second,
they're talking about your spine.
You've got scoliosis.
What? Why didn't you tell me earlier?
I tried.
I keep dropping hints.
I even started calling you Steve-iosis.
Not to my face.
No, behind your back.
Behind your creepy, deformed back.
There it is, pretty as a picture:
scoliosis.
What do we do, amputate?
Actually, all he needs is a back support.
That doesn't sound so bad.
Is it like one of those belts weightlifters wear
at the Olympics so they don't blow out their rectums?
Not exactly.
Pretty great, huh? I call her the "Chick Magnet",
ironically, of course. No, no girl wants any of that!
All right, we're all packed. You ready to go, Francine?
How can I spend a week at a spa
when I've just learned that my son has a horrible deformity?
Mom, I don't think it's a "horrible deformity".
So sweet, trying to make me feel better.
Mom, we have to go.
How often does Roger win free passes to a first-class spa?
- Once isn't enough? - No, I meant it as a good thing.
Well, that's not how it sounded.
You have a way about you, Hayley, that just...
turns me off.
- Mom, it's fine. Just go. - Well, okay.
I mean, it's not like it's my fault.
Your father was the one who threw footballs at my stomach
when I was pregnant so you'd be good at sports.
Instead it just made you a cripple.
- Bye! - Don't eat my yogurt!
Dad, there is no way I'm wearing...
And look, we can hang your allergy pills here,
your asthma inhaler there, and... Wait. How are you gonna go to the bathroom?
I know. I'll just insert a catheter.
Rise and shi...!
- Steve, what are you doing? - I wanted a glass of water.
I've been down here since midnight.
There we go. Now, let's get you ready for school.
No way. It's social suicide.
- I'm not going. - Steve, sit down.
Son, in life, it's not what's on the outside that matters.
It's what's on the inside. No one cares how you look.
- Come on, Dad. - I'm serious.
In fact, you should be proud of your deformities.
Look at little Helen Keller. Deaf, dumb, and blind,
and she wrote that whole diary in her attic during World War II.
She doesn't sound so dumb to me.
Different!
Freak.
Snot?
I'm finally part of the group!
Don't ruin this for me!
I am so looking forward to this week.
- Why is your bag so light? - Because you're not in it yet.
You want me to get in your suitcase?
That's how we're gonna sneak you by the front desk.
The radio station only gave me two passes.
Are you kidding me?
- Then why did you invite both of us? - Gee, I don't know.
You think it might have something to do with me being drunk all the time?
I'm an alcoholic. I have a problem.
I'm just not ready to deal with it yet. But I will.
I promise.
No more empty promises. No, sir. Not from this alcoholic.
Now, hop in the suitcase and first round's on me.
- Are these balloons full of heroin? - Those are not for you!
Hi. Mr. Mustachios.
And Mrs. Mustachios.
Just the two of us.
Right, our two radio contest winners.
- Who's the big Nickelback fan? - Guilty!
Well, you're lucky. We normally charge 1,800 bucks a head.
And what if I gave you $1,800 and five cents?
Why, I'd give you a nickel back!
- You knew where I was headed! - I did!
I told you we'd be fine.
Stupid mean kids with their...
beautiful straight spines.
Oh, Dad's home.
He can't be mad at me for leaving school early.
He'll understand when he sees what I've endured.
Dad, I know it's only what's on the inside that matters,
but I'm just not as strong as...
You're bald?
There's a kid on the football team with cancer
so the whole defensive line shaved our heads in solidarity.
It actually works out great during two-a-days, keeps your head cool.
- What? - That was just nonsense. I'm bald.
I can't believe it! How long have you been hiding this?
Well, it all started in high school.
It all started in high school.
I had horrific acne and was ridiculed mercilessly for it.
I tried everything to get rid of it, but nothing seemed to work.
When it came time for college, I saw an opportunity
to reinvent myself and give myself a second chance for a happy life.
So I decided to be the guinea pig for a new acne drug.
It worked perfectly.
My first day of college was the best day of my life.
My second day was the worst.
The acne medicine caused your hair to fall out!
How did you know?
You're telling a story about how you went bald.
It would been nice if you let me finish.
- Go ahead. - I will.
Apparently, a side effect of the acne treatment was total loss of...
You know what, forget it. The story's over.
Dad, I don't understand. Why do you wear a wig?
Because the hair gave me confidence.
And I was able to parlay that confidence into meeting your mother,
starting a family, and getting a job at the CIA.
- Wait, Mom doesn't even know? - Of course not. No one does.
Especially not your mother. She'd lose all interest in me.
She loves my hair. She tells me every time we're ba-ba-bangin'!
Ah, gross!
Dad, you said the only thing that matters is what's on the inside!
Grow up! The outside's the only thing that matters!
Nobody cares what's on the inside!
If they did, I would have married that smart fat girl
I used to have all those deep conversations with.
You're such a hypocrite.
Roger, these treatments look amazing, but I'm really nervous.
- What if they catch us? - They won't catch us.
Look, we have two wristbands, so two of us can be at the spa
while the third one stays up here trying on Hayley's clothes
- and laughing at himself in the mirror. - I guess we could take turns.
Of course. It'll be easy.
Now get over here and help me finish this. Don't Portuguese out on me.
I'm starting a new ethnic slur. Did it take?
Quiet! Quiet!
Turlington, spa detective.
I'm Mrs. Mustachios!
That's quite a lot of food for just the two of you.
Still warm.
So,
- you're married? - We sure are!
That's sweet. Kiss.
I'm told it's not uncommon for married persons to kiss.
Kiss.
It's okay. We'll leave our underwear on.
Honey, not in front of the detective.
All right. Everything checks out here...
for now.
That was so close! I think he's on to us!
Get in your suitcase and don't come out till you hear me say,
"I'm done. Go clean up. You disgust me."
Stupid... brace!
- Hey, buddy. - What do you want?
Look, I know you're a little miffed with your old man,
but I got something that's gonna make everything all right.
Stickers!
Look, what we got here: Dora the Explorer, a puffy unicorn, and,
- looks like you're a Chiquita bana! - Dad, stop!
I also got you a rearview mirror!
Trying to pass on the left! I know it's safe because I see that you see me!
Knock it off already!
"Warning: Driver Has PMS."
Dad, just leave me alone.
Steve, come on.
You know, I might have left school early yesterday,
but I did learn something:
where I got my weak backbone from.
Caution: Objects in mirror may be sadder than they appear.
Forget it, Dad. I'm not going to school.
That's fine. I just...
thought you might want to say good-bye to your old man before he goes to work.
You're going to work... bald?
I'd rather be bald than be a hypocrite in the eyes of my son.
Really? You'd do this for me?
We're gonna go out there and face the world as we are.
You know, I think people might just surprise us.
It was so awful! They called me everything:
Chrome Dome, Baldy, Cue Ball,
Leukemia Skywalker!
There, there. It's okay.
It was relentless!
Turns out a lot of high-level, neo-conservative Republicans
in the intelligence community can be very mean!
Someone drew three dots on your head?
Those are the finger holes in my bowling ball.
The Secretary of Energy did that!
So, how was your day?
Well, this sophomore girl got killed in a drunk driving accident
and we spent the afternoon sharing our thoughts about her.
Took the focus right off my brace, so yeah, it was a pretty good day.
You're lucky.
Work was awful, but it doesn't even matter 'cause I'm not going back!
- I'm never going back! - Dad, the worst part's over.
There's nothing they can do to you that hasn't already been done.
- I guess. - Look, Dad, I trusted you.
Now it's time for you to trust me.
- For supper, will you make me...? - I will make you Mickey Mouse pancakes.
The devil invented stress,
but God struck back with the sandalwood foot scrub.
What... What are you doing?
We're leaving. We're sick of having to share just one wristband.
Yeah, all this sneaking around is not relaxing at all.
Okay. Go ahead. Walk right through the lobby.
But what if that detective sees you with someone other than me?
It'll cost you 1,800 bucks.
Look, they brought my daily turkey.
He's right. How are we going to get past Turlington?
Delicious.
Sorry you're leaving so soon.
- Let me help you with your bag. - No, I don't need your help!
I mean, I decided to stay!
Thanks just the same!
Turlington, six more cans of pistachios have gone missing.
Too many people have a key to the pistachio closet.
That's what you said four weeks ago.
I can't help but think your father would've had this case solved by now.
Sorry, Mr. Chimdale.
Hey, Lorraine, do you know what this is?
- Is that a bird balloon? - It's an eagle, Lorraine.
A bald eagle.
Proud and majestic, like my father.
Who I think could use a little cheering up today.
Okay, this flight suit can withstand 200 miles of wind force.
He's wearing his hair.
He lied to me!
I will now attempt a simple coordination test with these blocks.
I will now attempt to poop out these blocks.
You lied to me!
I saw you in the wind tunnel.
This whole week I've been getting my ass kicked
because you said we were in this together!
- Son, now take it easy. - I will not take it easy!
And you know who else won't take it easy?
Mom! When I tell her you're bald!
You wouldn't dare.
I'm on my way to Chimdale right now!
You poor, naive,
crooked-backed SOB. Who's your mother going to believe?
Her faithful husband or the son she didn't want?
- She didn't want me? - No, she did.
But you believed me just now. When I tell your mother you're lying,
she'll believe me, too. I can be very convincing.
The Secretary of Energy drew a bowling ball on my head!
- You're a monster! - And you're in over your head.
I don't think so, Dad.
'Cause I've got something you don't.
Your hair!
You know, Steve, I don't say it often enough,
- but I love you. - And the Oscar goes to... someone else!
Damn it. When I find you, I'll kill you!
- Roger, where do you keep your wigs? - Why should I tell you?
Because I need to get them appraised.
- For insurance purposes. - Finally. Thank you.
Some of them are on tour with Angela Lansbury
and the rest are down in my wig cellar.
Do you have any men's wigs?
I got a David Spade/Ellen DeGeneres. I don't know if it's clean.
Hey, look! It's Owen Wilson!
Oh, my neck is killing me.
Being trapped in this room is stressing me out.
Look, Frannie.
I know you're hurting. I just want you to know I'm here for you and...
Oh, my God.
I think you fixed it.
Mom?
I don't understand. It should've worked.
I learned that move from a chiropractor
in his van in the alley behind the 7-11...
Boy, I think I raped a guy.
There you go. This mud bath will make you feel better.
I should get back before somebody comes and sees we only have 2 spa wristbands.
Crap!
Don't we look cozy.
- Quite cozy. - Think I'll join you.
Forgot my locker key.
Found it.
It's bungeed to my wrist.
Forgot my water bottle.
Roger, she's suffocating!
You want to pay the 1,800 bucks if Turlington finds her?
- Big breath, sweetie. - But...
There we go.
I guess I misjudged you folks.
I thought you were trying to hide something.
Us? Oh, that's so silly!
- She bit me! - What?
You were going to let me die for $1,800?
There's three of you.
Fine, you got us. We're busted!
Well, we might be able to work something out if you're...
wantin' to do something for me.
- You girls head up to the room. - I don't want you to have to see this.
That won't be necessary.
Then... what?
I need you to help me catch this pistachio thief.
I've been over this case every which way and nothing makes sense.
I've even rounded up all the keys to the closet.
So now there's only two people that have one:
Me and...
Mr. Chimdale?
Well done, Ron.
I knew I had to devise the most difficult case in spa history
to make you into the greatest spa detective since your father.
And now you are.
Daddy?
Did you hear that, Daddy?
I just miss him so much.
We all do, son.
We all do.
This is crazy.
I know!
Pistachios rhymes with Mustachios!
Honey, you tire me.
I'm almost to Mom, sucker!
I can already smell the Chimdale salt flats.
- How are you getting to Chimdale? - That's for me to know
- and you to find out. - Steve, please, I'm begging you!
Behold, Mother! Your husband is a giant...
Wait a minute. This isn't Chimdale.
Oh, brownies!
I'll say hello to Chimdale for you!
Damn it!
Official CIA business.
- Give me back my hair, Steve! - Not a chance!
You just missed the exit!
Smooth move, bald-lax!
Hello, good sir.
Would you mind dropping me off at the Chimdale Spa?
All right, but I'm getting some ribs first.
What are you doing? I don't have time for ribs!
You don't have time for the best barbecue ribs in the state?
Are we talking cue right now? We talking cue?
'Cause I got news for you. I only know two things:
perpetual virginity and ribs.
And the best ribs in the state are at Way Crazy's in Langley Falls.
Please, my mother's a Baptist minister
and she wouldn't scrub her ass with Way Crazy's.
Yo mama sounds like a messed-up bitch.
You were right about those ribs, Justin.
But I'm pretty sure the Jews didn't know about 9/11.
Got it!
You almost had your old man, Steve.
But it's time for you to go home.
Fine, I'll go home.
But just know this:
you may have kept your hair...
but you lost your son.
Damn, Steve.
Son, wait!
You're right.
Nothing's worth losing you.
Not even...
my hair.
- What are you doing? - Showing your mother the real me.
You were supposed to stop me! The gesture should've been enough!
Come on. Give me a break! You only have to wear that brace for six weeks.
This is permanent! What do you want from me?
Dad, all I want is for you to be the man
that you're asking me to be.
Damn, Steve.
Stan? Where's your hair?
I don't have any.
I am bald.
I know. I mean, where's your wig?
- What? - Your wig.
You're not wearing it. Where is it?
You mean you knew?
- Yeah, we all knew. - I didn't know!
Our general thinking was that you might overreact.
I can't believe you knew.
I wasted all that time being ashamed for nothing?
Here, Roger, I guess you can add this to your collection.
Thank you.
So now I'm going to be bald forever.
And I'm going to be a better man in your eyes for it.
- No, not really. - What?
It doesn't matter to us if you've got hair.
Yeah, Stan, I'm bald, and I made out with your wife.
What?