♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪ ♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
American Dad 5x16 Cops & Roger Original Air Date on April 11, 2010
-- Sync, corrected by elderman -- -- for addic7ed.com --
Okay, the Langley Falls Shopping Mall
Memorial Day sale begins in two hours.
Are you ready for this, Francine?
Sure, I'm ready. You don't look ready.
I've been up for five hours doing stuff like this.
Honey, why are you up so early?
I'm doing surveillance down at the docks.
Gonna bust some gun smugglers.
Then maybe I'll come to the mall,
and just girl out with you two.
Hope I don't get my period.
Love you! Traveling pants!
There's nothing girlie about it.
I want a turtleneck like Stan's.
I'll get it at Baby Gap.
Extra small.
I want to feel like I'm being choked a little bit.
That was amazing.
It was way better last year.
You don't even know.
I gave a toddler a concussion.
Now you know.
Well, I am exhausted.
Hey! No!
Thief! Roger, help!
Oh, no. Oh, my God.
Oh, please, no.
No, no, no!
Whoa! I'm falling!
Somebody, please!
My name is Clive Trotter,
and I'm an American, and I am in trouble!
This could be it.
Well?
Well, she only had three puppies,
so I'm afraid you can't have one.
Aw...
Damn it. Just more puppy talk.
Hello.
Francine?
I'm so freaked out, I couldn't even make tea.
There's nothing in my mug,
but the sipping noises calm me.
Ah. Nothing.
Francine, you shouldn't be out at night
without a man escorting you.
Hey, I was escorting her, and I was dressed like a man.
It takes more than a wig
and a fake bulge to be a man, Roger.
Men are strong, honorable and brave.
You're none of those things.
You just turned and ran away.
Disgraceful.
Hell, Klaus is more of a man than you are.
Hey, a shout-out for Klaus.
That's rare.
You know what, I'm not going to push the conversation.
I'm just going to chalk this up as a W.
Shut up, Klaus.
And I broke even.
Quiet, Klaus! And I blew it.
Roger, stop throwing out your costumes.
Stan was just upset.
He didn't mean those things he said.
No, he was right.
I am weak.
I'm not even fit to wear man clothes.
Good-bye, Vince Monaco, legendary firehouse prankster.
Your days of putting condoms in lasagna are over.
Sweetie, I don't blame you for happened.
Well, you should.
I'm just a silly little hen, and everybody knows it.
I'm going to miss you most of all, Jon Goodhorse,
Native American activist and sex offender.
You were... you were complicated.
Did not respond well to the word "no."
Reginald, hey.
I thought the CIA sent you on a mission to Afghanistan.
Nah, not enough people signed up, so they canceled it.
If it's okay, I'm going to do a couple loads.
Drr in my building is too rough on my delicates.
Hey, you know, that sounds like a song.
♪ Don't be rough on my delicates. ♪
Anyway...
Listen, Reginald.
I never had a chance to say I'm sorry
for trying to kiss you the other night.
I was drunk and stupid.
It-it'll never happen again.
Girl, don't even sweat it.
That was the liquor talking,
and liquor loves talking to my cute ass.
So, how are things with Rhonda?
Oh, she's good. Yeah.
She just leased a Ford Focus. She's good.
Hey, well, I'm still seeing Ian.
The four of us should go double date sometime.
Oh, we should go to Houlihan's.
They got good drinks there.
Daiquiris, margaritas.
And you can take the glass home
and do whatever you want with it.
Fill it with M&M'S, put a rose up in there.
They don't care. It's your glass!
Okay.
Steve, you have to help me.
I can't stop thinking about what happened.
Francine got mugged, and I just sat there.
I was useless and pathetic and weak.
How do y live with yourself when y feel that way?
Well, I guess most people just...
No, I'm talking about you specifically.
How do you, Steve, live wh yourself?
Charming.
This side of you is charmg.
Now I have to take a long Rollerblade
and sweat out your poison.
He was no help.
That's tast time I...
No way! Hoosiers!
Oh, damn, it's on TNT.
Commercials.
Well, if that's the price I gotta pay
to watch a basketball movie without any blacks in it...
MAN Tired of being weak and helpless?
Join the tradition of streng, honor and avery.
Join the Laney Falls Police Academy.
We're looking r Langley's finest.
We're looking for you.
Me?
Okay, Roger, I'm going.
I know, I should have put my blades on outside.
Yo this, dot you?
You're loving this.
You are a stone-cold bastard.
♪ Ta-da! ♪
I joined the police academy.
They're going to teach me how
to be strong and tough, like a real man.
Put your hands on your fanny.
You have the right to remain horny.
That was a joke-- an excellent joke--
but I'm serious about this.
You look ridiculous.
Oh, do I?
Once upon a time, there was a little alien
who went to the police academy.
Had to blow up the kitchen, Franny.
It goes real well with this thing I'm imagining.
You joined the police academy, Roger?
Sounds pretty badass.
Steve! Language.
Shut the up, Franny.
The boy's expressing himself.
Steve, it's extremely badass.
I am never going to get pushed around again.
Ha! You'll never make it, Roger.
Hey, you know how many Police Academy movies
I watched to prepare for this?
None, 'cause I knew I'd pick up some bad habits.
Anyway, I'm going to do great. u'll see.
Stop splashing me!
My piece!
What a dayhuh?
What about you? How you holding up?
Lucas, how'd you do?
Oh, that's excellent.
I probably got an A, though.
You should study with me next time.
Maybe order in a pizza and a two-liter.
What do you like, Sprite? I sure do.
What?! No way!
Wait, why is this wrong?
Next to "Miranda rights," I put, "Miranda has the right
to a decent man who will helper raise her baby."
Are these questions not about Sex and the City?
Lucas, why won't you tell me what kind of soda you like?!
I'm so glad Ian and I could finally get together
with you guys and do this.
I am starving.
That's 'cause all you've eaten all day
is a BLT, silly girl.
Oop, got your napkin.
Hope you don't order finger foods.
Well, I do, I'll just wipe my hands on your fur.
Oh, see, now you're getting brave.
I'm going to try the meatballs.
Huh?
Oh, yeah, baby, I was looking at that, too.
Did you bring your Zantac?
What, they can't know?
It's acid reflux.
I mean, you don't take that pill,
they're going to find out soon enough.
Rhonda's got acid reflux.
What the hell?
Roger, stop this nonsense.
Never!
Not everyone's cut out to be a cop.
Shut up.
Roger, it's time to quit.
I won't!
You need to give up.
No!
Oh, there's another one.
Why are you doing this to yourself?
Because I want to be like you!
What?! You're the strongest,
bravest, most honorable guy I know.
If you had been in that parking lot,
you would have kicked that mugger's ass.
He humiliated me.
I m tired of bng weak!
Help me!
I've been waiting hear those words for a long time.
I just prayed they would come from my son
and not an alien in a sports bra.
It's a support tank-- it's too small-- it rode up my belly.
Okay, Roger, if you're serious,
I'll help you get through the police academy.
Really?!
Oh, Stan, thank you, thank you, thank you!
Hello.
I'm gonna go get some candy.
I have to pee.
Sorry. Sorry.
MAN I can't help but think that we should be together.
WOMAN I know, but we both have someone else.
They never have to know.
But we'll know.
I think I can live with that.
I think I can, too.
Yes! Yes!
I'm so glad we're doing this!
Ooh, I took that Zantac a little too late.
Mmm, mmm-mmm! Those meatballs are coming back.
I gotta lie on my side.
I need napkins.
Okay, Roger, if you want to make it through the academy,
you have to do everything I say.
I hope you know what you're getting into.
I got into these shorts--
I'd say that's already quite an achievement.
Let's race!
♪ ♪
Cadets of the Langley Falls Police Academy,
I'd like to introduce your valedictorian, Roger Smith.
Wow.
You know, when I joined the academy,
I had no idea what a tough road it would be.
I cried every day for the first two weeks.
Crapped myself constantly.
Isn't that right, Tito?
What?
Where are you, Tito?
Where do you go?
Anyway, luckily, there was one man who believed in me.
He is my rock.
He is my everything.
Mr. Stan Smith.
Stand up and take a bow, Stan.
Not a bow, but okay.
Here, I want you to have this.
I couldn't have done it without you.
No, kiddo, you earned it.
I'm so proud of you.
Hey, I have a graduation surprise for you.
They caught your mugger.
Let's go. I'm gonna knock his teeth out.
Roger, you can't. He's in custody.
We just have to let the justice system work.
But he humiliated me!
And now I'm strong and brave enough to strike back!
Roger, just because you have the tools doesn't mean
you can just do whatever you want.
You have to respect the law.
Sorry to interrupt.
Detective Chaz Migliachio.
Great speech today, Roger.
You got a minute?
I get it. Police business.
I'll just mingle with strangers.
Hello, all.
Oh, looks like I'm the best-looking one in the group.
Oh, nope. This guy.
Why don't you find another group, handsome?
Roger, I've been watching your progress
the past few months.
I have to say, I'm impressed.
Well, you should see me in the shower.
No, I'm just... Thank you, though.
I overheard you talking
to your buddy about a mugger in custody.
Yeah. He says we have to respect the law
and let the legal system run its course.
Yeah, that's what most people have to do.
But not everyone.
God, I wish I knew what you meant when you said that.
Oh, well, see ya.
No, wait! I'll tell you.
Oh, great. I'm coming back.
Looks like show time.
Roger?! What are you doing? You're too green.
Get out of there. You're gonna blow this!
What do we have here, gentlemen?
Officer, I can explain.
No, I can explain.
I'm taking a cut of everything that comes through here.
These are my docks now.
Who are you?
He's with me.
I guess when it comes to hitting people in the head
with a baseball bat, I'm... "The Natural."
Laugh!
Roger's a dirty cop!
He's been on the force for three hours!
So, you wanted to have lunch.
Well, here I am.
Thanks for ordering me a drink.
That's the cream.
That explains why it went down creamy.
I saw you shake down those guys down at the docks.
I know you're a dirty cop.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Roger, this isn't what I taught you.
I taught you to be strong and honorable and brave.
Strong!
You don't know what strong is.
You weren't even brave enough to pay that mugger a visit.
But Chaz and I were.
Remember me?
Let me tell you a little about myself.
I grew up in a pretty unusual house.
It was a... roundhouse!
We were poor,
so I had to make fruit juice from a mule.
We called it... donkey punch!
That was my first taste of real power, and it felt great.
Then Chaz showed me how I could feel that way every day--
taking what I want when I want.
Plus, I'm a sociopath,
so, you know, all this fits me like a slipper.
Damn it, Roger, listen to me!
Chaz has got your head all twisted around.
No! For the first time in my life,
people aren't messing with me.
They fear me!
You, put that tub of mayonnaise in my car.
I'm gonna make it my girlfriend.
You're a disgrace.
You don't deserve to wear that mustache.
I was done with it anyway.
Text from Chaz.
I gotta roll.
Tell Klaus I said "'Sup."
Hey!
What seems to be the problem, Officer?
Quiet, whole milk!
Noticed that one of your taillights was busted.
That's a $500 fine.
I'm not allowed to have money!
Well, then, you're gonna have to do something for me.
Why don't you go ahead and scoot back on your banana seat?
What?
Scoot back... on your seat.
That's good.
Now spit on the tip of the seat.
But... Do it!
Now sing with me.
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it ♪
♪ Clap your hands... ♪
Not you, Hanukkah!
I'm taking a cut
of everything that comes through here.
These are my docks now.
Deputy Director Bullock,
I have something you'll want to see right away.
No, it's not nude photos of Talia Shire.
No, it's not... Look, no...
I'm-I'm not asking you to guess what...
No, I didn't buy you a belt.
You'll-You'll see in a minute.
You can wait. Sir, stop it.
More laundry?
Nah, nah, I finished off your fabric softener,
so I bought you a new box.
So, how's Rhonda?
I haven't seen you since our double date.
Actually, me and her broke up.
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry to hear that.
You know, me and Ian broke up, too.
Aw, man, it's Heartbreak Hotel up in here.
Damn it, Elvis, leave us alone!
You know what we need to do?
Race some go-carts.
That sounds like fun.
It's a date then.
All right, I'm gonna make a sandwich.
If you want one, holla at your koala.
Hello, Ian?
Listen... I want to break up.
Ooh!
Good work, baby.
The Chaz singer!
What's going on?
We're screwed, Roger!
I got a mole at the CIA who says
your buddy's been doing surveillance
down at the docks, which means he's got tape on us!
What?!
He's been setting us up.
You gotta take him down!
You stop him before he turns those tapes in!
Yahtzee!
Before we do anything crazy, let's make sure he has the tape.
Roger, I have the tape.
So I'm gonna give you a call back.
Love you!
Oh, he already hung up.
He knows, though.
I was standing in Bullock's office holding that tape,
and at the last minute, I decided not to give it to him...
because of this.
You were good man.
And I believe you still can be.
Sometimes real strength is having power
and choosing not to use it.
Chaz, can you take me home?
My tummy doesn't feel so good.
I should have just had sex with that mayonnaise.
Sure, sure,
but we got one more piece of business to take care of.
Stan!
Since you know him, I figure you could do the honors.
But he already gave me the tape. He didn't turn us in.
I know his type.
Eventually, he's going to want to do the honorable thing,
then, bam, we're going to prison.
You know what happens to you in prison?
I know Kiefer Sutherland quit smoking.
Do it.
I guess we all knew it would end up like this.
It didn't have to be this way, you dumb son of a bitch...
whose name is Chaz!
Oh, boy.
I knew you were weak, just like your friend here.
Weak?! This guy's not weak.
He's the strongest man I know.
He risked everything for me.
That takes strength.
You see, Chaz,
real strength is having power and choosing not...
Ow! My skin!
Oh, no. Oh, my God.
Oh, please, no.
Where you going, princess?
Is that your little escape route?
What goes up
must come...
That was unexpected.
Good job, Smith.
One less dirty cop on the docks.
I'm recommending you for a commendation.
Does that mean more money?
No. Yes.
Maybe. I don't know.
I probably won't follow through.
You really turned out to be one tough S.O.B.
Thanks, Stan.
So, have you heard anything?
Is Chaz gonna be okay?
No.
Okay.