(upbeat March plays)
¶ good morning, usa! ¶
¶ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
¶ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶
¶ and he's shining a salute to the american race ¶
¶ oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
¶ good morning, usa. ¶
Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
Dad, dad, dad! Stan, stan! Dad, dad!
Stan, stan the man! You'll never believe it!
I've got something really big! You're gonna (bleep).
You're all gonna (bleep). One at a time.
Stan, the new tv guide came, and you'll never guess what--
Barbra does celine.
Barbra does celine! Huh?
Barbra streisand will be singing the songs of celine dion
In a one-night-only, live pay-per-view event!
I don't think barbra has the range
To sing celine's songs.
Shut your mouth, you stupid bitch.
So, listen, I'm going to need all your support
To make sure everything goes smoothly for me.
This could be the best night of my life,
And I don't want to have any regrets.
Like when I had the chance to take ecstasy
At the 2003 tony awards and didn't.
I should have, but I was sitting
Next to alan cummings, and I got scared.
Whatever. Hayley, you're up.
So, I think I finally figured out
Why you never want to talk to me.
Next. Somebody go next.
Dad, you know how I've been working really hard
With my a cappella group, here comes treble? Hmm.
My music teacher selected me to sing the national anthem
At the langley falls veterans day celebration!
That's fantastic!
My boy singing the greatest song ever written
To the greatest men ever made: American soldiers.
Steve, serenade me.
(clears throat)
(soulfully): ¶ oh-ho, ho ¶
¶ say, can you ¶
¶ see-hee-hee-hee, hee... ¶
Steven, what the hell?
Did you just watch the wiz or something?
I'm just putting some personal flavor on it.
Just sing it like a normal person.
¶ oh, oh, say-- ¶
Okay, got it-- still sucks.
I thought it was great.
Have you been standing there the whole time?
That's weird.
I had no idea you were there.
Anyway, steve, it's fine,
But not nearly good enough for the ears of veterans.
Tell you what, I'll take the next couple days
Off work, and we'll get that song just right.
Thanks, dad.
I don't want to mess this up.
No, you really don't.
Now, go upstairs and line your throat with vaseline.
Makes your voice come out smoother.
It's an old elton john trick.
(whistling joyfully)
(bird twittering tune)
(both whistling tune)
(twittering tune)
(gasps and groans)
Annoying! Both of you.
I love your new pet.
It's not a pet, silly.
It's my meal for the big night.
(gasps) roger!
You can't kill this sweet bird.
It's an ortolan, francine--
The ultimate french delicacy.
It so sinfully decadent that you eat it
Under a napkin to hide your sin from god.
And I only trust you to cook it.
(gasps)
I'm honored.
Here's the recipe.
You actually drown it in amaretto,
Then save its life using bird cpr,
Then refill the pot with crème de menthe
And drown it again.
There is something so sweet about your hair today.
I love it.
Thank you.
¶ by the dawn's early light... ¶
Stop. Take a break.
I got to shake my head in disappointment
For five minutes.
So, stan, I tried to order barbra does celine
On pay-per-view, but it was locked.
I need the code.
How much is it? It's priceless,
But to order it, it's four ninety-nine.
I guess we can add five more bucks to your tab.
(laughing): Five dollars?
For barbra does celine?
No!
Oh, no, ridiculous.
No, four hundred and ninety-nine dollars.
Streisand comes expensive or she doesn't come at all.
Forget it!
I wouldn't pay that much to see barbra do celine.
Or would I?
Maybe if I was in the room with them,
Peeking from behind the curtain,
And they didn't know I was there.
How would it appear on my credit card bill?
No, no, stan, focus.
Here's the deal.
You and I both know I'm going to get
That pay-per-view code one way or another,
So you might as well just give it to me now
And avoid happy hour at shenanigans.
No. Fine.
Let it begin.
Crab walk!
Should've played ball.
Steve: ¶ the rockets' red glare ¶
No!
I've been in the shower all night.
Yeah, I don't get it-- I thought people
Were supposed to sing better in the shower.
I don't know.
Maybe the problem isn't you.
Maybe... Maybe I'm not a great vocal coach.
God, could that be?
No, dad, it's me.
I just need to sing harder.
No, it's more than that.
There something missing,
Something empty and soulless about your performance.
Hmm.
(snaps fingers) that's it.
See, steve, the national anthem is about war,
And you'll never be able to sing it
Until you've been to war.
Can you expand on that idea?
Certainly.
Take the song, "love in a elevator."
The reason it's so good
Is because steven tyler actually lived
In an elevator the summer he wrote it.
But the song's called "love in an elevator",
Not "live in an elevator".
Steve, he's a rock star living in kick-ass elevator.
You don't think he's getting laid?
Oh, and it's summertime.
Some of my nra buddies
Rent this golf course once a month.
Since you can't go to a real war,
A reenactment is the next best thing.
I've always wanted to go to a civil war reenactment.
It's not a civil war reenactment.
Those things are for historians
And people who hate blacks.
These guys are hardcore reenactors.
(heavy gunfire)
(explosions and gunfire)
(groans)
Get down!
(explosion)
(screams) where are we?
You in vietnam, bitches!
We're reenacting the vietnam war?
This chopper will take you to base camp.
(man imitating whirring helicopter blades)
Get in!
(continues imitating helicopter)
(gunfire)
(screams)
Platoon, gather round!
The vietcong may be making their move tonight.
We need a watchman.
Dad. Steve will do it.
We're counting on you tonight, steve!
Here, I'll even loan you my lucky machete.
A permanent marker?
Use it like a knife.
Leave the blade in the sheath so it doesn't get dull.
Leave the cap on so it doesn't dry out. (whispering):
Dad, I don't know if I can stand watch all night.
You've kept me up for the past two days practicing singing.
Steve, this is an opportunity to step up and be a hero.
Then, you'll know what it takes
To really sing our national anthem.
Radio me if you have any problems.
I'll do my best, dad.
I want more than your best, steve.
For once, I want you to do fine.
(fading): ¶ by the dawn's early light... ¶
(louder): ¶ what so proudly... ¶
(crickets chirping)
(piercing scream)
(sporadic gunfire, men screaming)
(sobbing)
(yelling)
Steve, what happened?!
Man, what a letdown.
You'll be killed if you go into that jungle, man!
Hey, my hand on fire?
What? N-no.
Good, then it's the acid.
This seemed like the perfect time to do acid.
Dead.
Everyone's dead!
Their spirits are dancing all around us
Poppin' and lockin', mostly!
Everyone calm down!
I have been in two war reenactments,
And you men will be safe if you stick with me.
(screaming)
No!
We gotta get out of here, man.
Let's just go to the snackstop and get some real cheese, man.
No, we have to save my dad.
I let him down.
Dad, can you hear me?
Steve, it's dark and wet.
There's golf carts.
You have to save...
(man speaking fake vietnamese)
Sounds like he's in a holding cell at nangangbang.
The caddy shack.
Then that's where we're headed.
Woman: Excuse me!
Do you know where the horizon room is?
We don't know; we're from baltimore.
Thank you.
Marty! It's this way!
The man told me it's this way!
You're going the wrong way!
Man: I heard you the first time!
(speaking vietnamese)
Roger, let me go.
(door creaking)
You give me code now! Now!
Now! Now! Now! Now! Now!
Codey now, now!
Now, now, now!
(mimics three stooges): Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh!
Eh, wise guy, huh?
Roger, stop!
I'm never going to give you that pay-per-view code.
We see...
This is michael patrick king's
First draft of the sex and the city movie.
It's 700 pages.
(clears throat)
"you guys know that young firefighter I did last night?
"well, his hose spattered all over my european mosaic floor
"and I slipped in it.
"but it's okay, girls,
"because I landed square on the rabbit
"and found out, what's up, doc?
"carrie vo:
"samantha's story made me wonder:
"if I slipped, would big be there to catch me?"
(screaming)
Steve: It was just the three of us now.
We were headed up fanangong river towards gobbley goo bay.
But to get there, we'd have to go through the 13th fairway.
Freshly fertilized, we were in the poo.
Soldier: Pine cones are grenades!
(screaming)
Crap.
Boom! (yelling, groaning)
My legs!
It blew off my damn legs!
You can make it, buckle!
No, I's done.
Take me out.
I-I can't!
Take the shot!
Not the face!
Oh, my god, that hurt!
Ow! Ow!
Oh, no, it still hurts!
What were we doing here?
Was it worth it just to become better singers?
The only thing that made sense anymore
Was my mission: Save dad.
¶ ¶
And I was alone.
In hell.
Damn it! Stan gave me a fake code!
Well, good thing I still have him tied up.
And you know I still have my funny hat and shirt.
I know the code.
You will give it to me!
I will, for the bird.
I want it set free.
Fine!
(bird chirping)
You got what you want.
Now give me that code.
4812.
4812?!
Wait, he used my pant size?
Ugh, I'm disgusting.
Sorry, hayley, roger tricked me.
He said he was gonna dress me up as. Mr. Wendal
From the arrested development song.
Give me the real bird, roger.
Where is it?
¶ ¶
(bird chirping)
(francine singing, bird chirping)
Don't!
¶ ¶
(hissing)
(yelling)
(yelling, groaning)
(both coughing)
(yelling)
Your chin is right on my hipbone, kevin.
Please, give me some rice.
I'll do anything.
I'll make you feel good.
Steve, you did it!
You saved me.
I'm so proud of you!
(mimics whirring helicopter blades)
(melancholic tune plays)
(cell phone ringing)
(whispering): I'll call you back.
You should have seen him.
My boy, the war hero.
Steve's gonna sing the crap out of that
National anthem now, aren't you, steve?
Did you have fun at the reenactment, honey?
That's right, real war heroes don't need to talk about it.
The same way I don't talk about all the "tang"
I got in college, out of respect for my wife.
Tons.
Now, folks, we have a very special
Young man here tonight who has the voice an angel.
Let's hope it's not the hell's angels!
(laughter, cymbal clashes)
Please welcome,
To sing our national anthem, steve smith!
(applause)
(clears throat)
¶ oh, say... ¶
(fireworks popping)
Fuh-fuh, fuh-fuh, fuh-fuh, fuh-fuh.
Fuh-fuh, fuh-fuh, fuh-fuh, fuh-uh.
No, you didn't! Yes, I did!
You're totally, dead, bob.
It's just us. Just let me keep playing.
(rockets whistling) vietcong! Vietcong!
(screaming)
Cong!
(imitates rapid gunfire)
(imitates gunfire)
(fireworks pop and squeal)
Say, can you see?
I-I can't see 'em.
They're in the trees.
Steve, snap out of it.
Mr. Smith, can I speak to you in the hallway?
Your son appears to be suffering from ptsd,
Posttraumatic stress disorder.
But doctor, that's impossible.
He was only in a reenactment.
Oh.
Then it must be ptwrsd,
Posttraumatic war reenactment stress disorder.
Is that a thing?
I've never heard of it.
I'd like keep him here for treatment.
He could be a danger to himself or others.
Nonsense!
Steve?!
Where'd he go?
When I was out there,
All I wanted to do was come home.
But now that I'm home,
All I can think about is getting back there.
The golf course.
Things made more sense out there.
Here sometimes someone claims they're a friend,
But they're really just an acquaintance.
And then, some friends are really enemies.
I came up with the word "frenemy."
John,
How did you open the curtain?
Tell me how you opened the curtain.
John!
(grunts)
...Will be right back.
Hey, there.
The war reenactment was yesterday.
It's over.
For you, maybe.
Where're you headed?
Just gonna get a grilled cheese at the snack stop.
I had a friend that wanted one once.
But he's gone now.
To tucson.
On business.
Won't be back till Wednesday.
I know a place down the road with a great grilled cheese.
Come on, I'll drive you.
No, thanks.
(golf cart chirps)
I'm not looking for trouble.
Get off the fairway, you turd!
This is the thanks I get.
A hero's welcome.
(gunfire)
(explosion)
We were kids, man.
Buckle couldn't find his legs.
We were gonna go cruising when we got home.
We were gonna go cruising in his solara, man.
Roger: ¶ getting ready for the best night ¶
¶ the best night of my life ¶
¶ everything's gonna be just right ¶
¶ putting on a robe that's warm but light-- squirt, squirt ¶
¶ best, best, glug, glug, best, best ¶
¶ get ready, my tummy is your nest ¶
¶ 'cause I'm stepping in the best ¶
Ah! Best.
(applause on tv)
Thank you so much.
Shut up.
(applause stops)
You know, celine dion is in the audience tonight.
(applause)
She's fabulous.
But I'm better. Here we go.
¶ you were my strength when I was weak ¶
¶ you were my voice when I couldn't speak ¶
(gong sounds)
¶ you were my... ¶
(sustained note, distorted into howl)
¶ ¶
Streisand: Thank you. Good night!
So, how'd the big night turn out?
It was...
There's no word to describe it.
Schmooblydong?
That's not it, but it's close.
Let-let me try and put it in terms you can understand.
Imagine being high at a rusted root concert
While two dudes take you on in a sun-baked porta-john.
Wow.
That actually does sound really good.
Yeah. I'd like that, too.
You're the boy's father?
Listen, guy, no one can get in or out of here
Because of that crazy kid, and we need carts.
That boy is a remorseless reenactment machine.
I know. I made him.
And I'm the only one who can get him out.
Stinkfinger, this is colonel muffdog.
Do you copy? Over.
(static, chirp)
Do you copy? (static)
Steve: This is stinkfinger, sir.
They're all dead.
I'm the last one.
Your mission is complete.
Return to base.
I can't do that, sir.
I'm not good enough yet.
Good enough at what, soldier?
I can do better.
That's why I came here.
It's the only place you were ever proud of me, sir.
It wasn't the war.
I'm going in.
Stay back!
Easy, stinkfinger. Easy.
It wasn't the war that made you this way.
Wh-what do you mean?
Oh, steve, it was me!
I pushed you too hard, put too much pressure on you.
But I only did it because I love you
And want you to succeed!
But you don't need to be pushed,
'cause you're doing great on your own.
(crying)
I did to you what america did to vietnam.
I tried to control you.
But no longer.
I'm pulling out of you, steve.
I'm pulling out.
I'm sorry if I hurt you, son.
(fireworks pop)
The celebration's still going on.
You know, you could still sing.
Am I good enough now?
You were always good enough, steve.
I don't know where this low self-esteem is coming from,
But you need to start believing in yourself.
So go out there and sing.
And any way you do it, I'm gonna love it.
¶ oh, say ¶
¶ can you see, by the dawn's early light? ¶
¶ girl, I'm gonna rock you in freedom town tonight ¶
That's my... Neighbor son.
¶ you know you never felt so good ¶
¶ no, you never felt so right ¶
¶ ooh, rockets bursting in the air! ¶