Steve, it's a beautiful day.
Why don't you invite your friends over for a dip in the pool after school?
Great idea, Mom.
Hello, SciFi Channel.
Could you reschedule your Battlestar Galactica marathon this afternoon?
Of course you can't.
Dip in the pool. Girl, you must be crazy.
Listen to your mom.
I built that pool so other kids would want to hang out with you.
See, friendship is only worthwhile if you get something from the friend.
That thing could be anything: food, sex, even consensual sex.
Hello?
Stan, you fat-jawed moke.
You said you'd meet me to get spray tans, and here I am
getting the Mystic Spritz all alone.
And you're the one who really needs it, you Gwyneth Paltrow-skinned bitch!
Was that today? Jeez, I plumb forgot.
I am so sorry.
But while I have you, could you go next door to the post office
and get some of the new commemorative Nancy Reagan stamps?
The Chanel inaugural gown set, or the "Just Say No" Adolfo suit set?
- Now what do you think? - Adolfo?
Yeah, Adolfo.
That's messed up. Roger really wants to hang out with you
and all you do is use him to run your little errands.
Hey, Roger uses me every day!
Living here for free, eating my food.
And you're one to talk, the way you sponge off me.
I'm your child.
Who...?
My daughter who...?
Are you asking me a question?
I'm leading you...?
I'm leading you to finish my sentence.
I... I don't know what you...
I'm going to go.
And my favorite part of my trip to China
was the panda bears.
The end.
Oh my God, you are the best.
Agent Smith, how's that small island nation you cover?
Isla Island.
As you know, the dictator, General Juanito Pequeño,
arrives in the US tomorrow.
Has he agreed to sign the treaty giving us access
to his island's massive oil reserves?
Not yet, but I'm hoping to persuade him tomorrow.
We're having an unofficial meeting at an undisclosed location.
You guys hitting the Fashion Center?
Yes. We ran the Sex and the City quiz on his MySpace page
and he is definitely a Carrie. He's a shopper, sir.
What's your strategy to win him over?
It's been proven that men with mustaches are more persuasive.
That's preposterous.
- No, it's not. - If you say so.
Just make sure this treaty signing happens, Smith.
Not only is there a promotion in it for you,
but there's also this.
That's right.
You'll enter the exclusive fraternity
of CIA agents with their own helicopters.
What do you guys thinking for lunch?
This is Doug in Chopper 2. I'm thinking paninis.
Roger that.
I want that chopper, sir.
When Da Vinci first conceived of it,
he called it an "aerial screw."
Seems a bit lewd.
Well, Da Vinci was a well-known sexual deviant.
You know that sketch of the naked man in the wheel?
Blueprints for a rape machine.
Barry, you're Ursula the sea witch.
Toshi, you're King Trident. I'm Ariel.
And Snot, in a dual role,
plays both Sebastian and Flounder.
All right, places everyone.
Oh, my God! Snot's drowning!
Mom, no!
Mom! We were playing a game.
And I won.
Finally! Wait, what is that you're wearing?
Not now, Roger. I'm late for a meeting at the mall.
But you promised we'd go hiking!
Inconvenient!
Hey, Roger, is your car out of the shop yet?
Yeah. Why?
Well, see, I really need to get to the mall
and I have a flat, so I thought maybe you'd...
Help you 'cause you say we're going to hang out but then you just blow me off?
- No, thanks. - No, no. I just thought...
Maybe we could go pants shopping.
You're the only person who knows what pants look good on me.
You understand the contours of my body.
I thought we were going hiking.
These balloons represent Steve's mom's boobs.
My face represents my face.
What is this?!
Tell me you weren't just talking about getting boob off my mother!
Okay, I wasn't.
But I was.
There's obviously only one way to settle this.
I'm going to get accidental boob off your mother.
And something tells me you're going to need a little help from Chad again.
Jeff, will you please stop calling yourself Chad?
Chad died, okay?
And yes, I would've loved to have had help from Chad. Everyone would.
He was the best.
You're meeting me at the J.Crew in 20 minutes, right?
20 minutes, I promise.
Well, I must say, Smith, you are great at picking out pants.
What do I do with your "Rhythm Nation" outfit?
Just put it in the bag.
So, General, about this treaty.
Excuse me.
So, General, about this treaty, are we going to get it signed or what?
I welcome a union between our two countries.
Great! We'll sign it in front of the world press
on Isla Island in one week.
And then I'll come visit you in my new helicopter.
I am sorry. That is from college.
My frat had a pimps-and-hoes mixer. You ever had any malt liquor?
It is stronger than beer.
Waiting for my buddy so he can tell me if these look good.
Should be just a few more minutes.
You know, you don't need to stand there. I'll tell them you helped me.
Thanks. Thank you.
Thanks.
Are we going to fool around?
You should try eating the whole hot dog in one bite.
I don't know, Stan.
That sounds...
Gay? Dog gobbling? Not a chance.
Come on, further.
General? General?!
He's dead.
You talking about Chad?
I know, he was great.
I've been meeting a lot of adults that knew him.
I think that's pretty cool.
Hey, Dillweed!
Look at the stupid pants I bought
because you weren't there to tell me they look stupid!
- Look at them! - I can't deal with this now.
This is like the millionth time you've used me and I've had it!
I am never doing anything for you again, so...
What's this?
You rascal.
I hate to say it because I hate you,
but you really do know what looks good on me.
It fits you perfectly.
Here, put this on.
Yeah, it brings the whole thing together.
Sir, we're a go next week for the treaty signing on Isla Island.
Well done, Smith.
When you return, we'll have your chopper waiting.
I know I've kind of taken advantage of you lately,
but to make it up to you, I'm taking us on a
friends vacation.
A "friends vacation"!
Let me just call and get out of work.
Tracy, I need you to cover my chair this week.
Well, get Susan to blow out her hair.
Well, what about...? Forget it. I quit!
Great, now I have to get another imaginary job.
This is so exciting.
You know what could be fun?
We adopt new personas. Here, put these back on.
Your persona is "El Generalissimo." Let's hear your Spanish accent.
That's from Beverly Hills Chihuahua.
That's great. That's great. Now, stay in that accent.
Do not drop that persona no matter what.
And now, I'm going to pick out your persona.
Robert Redford in Electric Horseman.
- I don't have that outfit with me. - Yes, you do.
I packed you everything that Robert Redford ever wore in every movie.
Why do you think you have 11 bags?
This hotel is amazing!
Only the best for my good friend.
Look at the friendly locals.
Stan, put my brooches in the room safe.
Get up, buddy. Let's hit the beach.
I mean... Let's take the day to
settle in, maybe watch a movie.
Nope, I'm going to the beach.
Come on. You think this is going to keep me from leaving?
Movie I've seen probably 250...
I mean, it's a beautiful day outside.
My God, Steve, what happened?
Diving for a touch pass. You know, playing sport ball.
You poor boy!
Well, Schmuely's not home.
Snot's real name is Schmuely?
That is just so good to know.
Say, Mrs. Lonstein, I don't suppose I could trouble you for a drink?
Would you mind pouring it in my mouth? My arms, you see.
Of course, honey.
I'm so sorry. Let me clean that up.
Bad news. The beach is closed.
What?!
Yeah, apparently, it's mating season for the diarrhea seals.
It's, it's, it's a mess.
So let's just stay in the room and enjoy our lunch.
This is awful!
Whoever made this chicken should have his hands cut off
and have his feet cut off, then shot and killed.
Generalissimo, maybe you should ease up on the staff a little.
No. You're paying good money for us to stay here. It should be perfect.
I mean, look at these dirty floors. Whoever mops them should be beaten
with a hose, then tied up with said hose and thrown off the roof.
Sir, it's Stan.
I'm moving the treaty signing to tomorrow.
Let's make that tonight.
These balloons represent my nads.
My head represents Snot's mom's head.
Here it comes.
Wait for it.
Hello, Schmuely.
The *** did you just call me?
- You heard me. - Look, Steve,
getting accidental mom boob is one thing, but getting accidental
mom-forehead-brushed-on-your-hangsters is going too far.
I won't stand for it.
Your mom stood for it.
Steve, I now have no choice
but to get your mom to accidentally handle my nardledangers.
Get ready, pal.
Your mom's going to touch more sack
than a medieval grain merchant on inventory day.
You done with dinner? Let's sign the check and get out of here.
Calm down, Stan. I'm still talking to my new friends,
King Harald of Norway and his wife, Queen Sonja.
The freeways in Dallas are horrible. Just take a taxi from the airport.
Take taxis everywhere. And head straight for Bud's Tex-Mex.
Don't bring your wife. The bathroom scene there is amazing.
Now you tell me something good.
Yum, dessert!
This...
is...
wonderful!
Best tiramisu I've ever had.
Maybe too much rum.
Okay, dinner's over. Here's the bill. Just sign it to the room.
I just want to make sure I didn't accidentally leave a tip.
What is this, Stan?
You used me just like you always do!
We can talk about it on the plane ride home.
Right now we got to fake your assassination
and drop the general's body in your place.
Here, put on these squibs.
I truly thought you wanted to go on a friends vacation with me.
Actually, what I really wanted was this.
- An aerial screw? - Yep.
Now be a trooper, go out on that balcony and get shot 15 times in the chest.
I'm okay!
- What the hell are you doing? - I'm staying here
and running this dump, that's what! Guards!
See that Señor Smith leaves my country immediately.
I hope your helicopter was worth it because it cost us our friendship.
People of Isla,
first order of business is changing the name of this country.
It's now called Bananarama and the national anthem is "Venus."
Pedro, hit it.
Now dance.
I said dance! You're all terrible!
Except you, you're good. Everybody do what he's doing.
How do you do that?
You are my helicopter, and I swear to God...
Listen to me! Listen to me!
I will never hurt you.
Stan, what are you doing?
Just hugging my chopper.
Breakfast was quiet without Roger this morning.
Why don't you call him and apologize?
Apologize? For what?
For giving him power over an island full of half-naked Hispanic men?
That's his dream and the premise of three of his screenplays.
Too bad Stan isn't here.
He's the one to talk to about pants.
I'm gonna order a suit online. I've gotta have all my measurements.
Can you do my
inseam now?
This is a matter between gentlemen, Mother.
Please, give us the room.
As you wish.
This will not happen, Snot!
Indeed, it will, Steve.
You won't know when it's coming, but it's coming.
Why aren't you getting up?
I'm waiting for my wrestling rager to go down.
It's perfectly natural.
My coach told me about them when I was having brandy at his condo.
Smith, you're just in time.
We've just received some intel on Isla Island.
Seems General Pequeño's gone a bit off his nut.
He's making the citizens paint the entire island.
You know, I thought yellow would cheer me up, but it didn't.
This color you picked is hideous.
I thought gay people had good taste.
I am not gay, Señor.
You just make me do gay things.
Fair enough. Repaint it turquoise.
There's a revolution brewing, and General Pequeño
will be dead by this time tomorrow.
Dead! Sir, we can't let them kill him!
Why? We've mined all of Isla's natural resources.
Who cares what happens to them now?
But that country is our friend.
Maybe we use our friends, but we don't just abandon them.
Grow up, Smith. This is how you get the things you want.
You're such a Pollyanna.
I bet you kiss prostitutes.
- I'll help you in a minute, Mom. - Wait. Where are you going?
Just stay in the car and keep the doors locked.
And don't touch anything that looks like a mushy hairy peach.
I thought your mother would be opening the door.
Well, she didn't.
This has gone too far, hasn't it?
I would say so.
I would,
say so.
You know what the worst part of this is?
I can feel your heart beating.
I need to see the Generalissimo.
Welcome to Bananarama, where it's party time
all the time.
Are you guys mad at me?
'Cause not one of you has given me a deposit check
for our big fun ski weekend in Tahoe.
And even if you don't ski, you can gamble, there's great shopping,
you can rent a snowmobile for like, 200 bucks a day! That's nothing!
Hello.
Roger, your people are about to revolt against you.
If you stay here, you'll die.
Why should I believe you? All you do is lie to me to get stuff for yourself.
That's not a friend.
I know, and I'm sorry.
From now on, no more using and no more lies.
Come on. Let's get you out of here
and leave General Pequeño's body for the rebels to find.
You want me to leave this nation?
I am this nation!
Guards!
Roger, don't do this!
Guards, those men are here to kill the Generalissimo.
- Stop them! - The Generalissimo dies tonight.
I've painted my children for the last time.
Hey, rebels, over here!
General Pequeño's getting away!
The General!
Get him!
The General's dead!
Okay, you were right. They were gonna kill me.
I can't believe you sacrificed your helicopter for me.
I sacrificed it for my friend.
So who's gonna be the new general?
I'm sure they'll find the best man for the job.