* good morning, usa! *
* I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day *
* the sun in the sky has a smile on his face *
* and he's shining a salute to the american race *
* oh, boy, it's swell to say *
* good morning, usa *
Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
Our little girl's going to look at a four-year college.
Isn't this exciting, stan?
My little girl's growing up. Look at her!
Oh, daddy.
Not you. Caitlin.
Okay, I'm all weady for my first airpwane wide.
The costume was my idea.
With roger dressed as little caitlin here,
We can all preboard.
My middle name is miracle,
'cause I was born attached to a dead twin
Who had a second butt where his mouth was supposed to be.
Th-that is messed up.
There he is, the man of the house.
All set for your first weekend home alone?
You really think he's ready, stan? Of course he is!
He's never given us any reason not to trust him.
There was that one time I thought he got into my playboys,
But it turned out I'd just been sleep-turbating.
Don't worry, mom; when you get back,
The house'll be exactly as you left it.
Speaking of which, I did my final walk-through.
There's a scuff on the baseboard in the hallway
And a ding on the refrigerator door.
Just initial here...
And... Here.
And a full signature here.
And then just the date.
It's the seventh.
This is a big weekend for you, kiddo.
As a symbol of our trust,
I'm giving you this honorary key.
It's an exact replica of our housekey.
I also want you to have this housekey,
Which is an exact replica of the honorary key,
Except with the added benefit of functioning as a housekey,
As does the honorary key.
Thanks for trusting me with the house, dad.
You don't have to worry about a thing.
(chuckles): Wow! What a blaze!
Thanks to steve smith of langley falls
For sending us a photo of his home.
Next up on burn a scale model of my house,
This replica of a lovely mid-century ranch house.
We're gonna burn it.
(doorbell rings)
Hey, boys.
What's crack-a-lackin'?
Nothing. Let's do stuff!
Sorry, the family's out of town,
And I'm not supposed to have people over.
Wait. So you have the house all to yourself?
Like, overnight?
Wow-how-how! (gasps)
Like I did when I was a baby!
You got to let us in!
No way. My dad trusts me.
Dude, you're only young once.
This is your chance to embrace it!
But my dad...
You are not your dad, steve.
Right now you're being your mom,
Because you have a huge burgina.
Get in here!
Yeah!
Let's get crazy!
(all cheering)
Ready...
Go!
(grunts)
* *
Whoa. That's my dad's study.
No one's allowed in there.
Not even your dad?
(slap) (gasps)
Remember I told you being stupid
Was gonna start getting painful?
Toshi, no!
Okay, guys, let's get out of here.
Hey, what's this?
Snot, what are you doing?
Whoa! Oh!
Phone books!
A flight- simulator game!
Come on, steve. We got to get this puppy in the air!
Puppies can't fly!
At least mine couldn't.
Well, I... I guess we could try it.
All right! Steve's on board!
That's awes... Uh, oh, whoa.
Everything gives me a rager lately.
And these new jean shorts are definitely an accomplice.
(engines whirring)
Steve: Wow, this game looks so real!
Look! There's an airport!
Let's blow up that plane!
(beep)
Three, two, one...
Wait! We only have two missiles.
We should find something really cool to blow up.
Like an oil refinery or a hospital ship.
Good thinking!
(beep)
Pilot (over speakers): Folks, we've got an unidentified aircraft in the vicinity.
We've been grounded until further notice.
(disappointed groans)
Great! That could take forever.
I'm going to the newsstand.
In the terminal? Stan, they won't let you.
Once you get off, you can't get back on.
Can't I?
You're talking to the guy who got off and back on
Prescription painkillers four times.
I dwew a wainbow!
You, I'll have a gin and tonic.
Oh, and a small plastic bag and some industrial solvent.
(laughs): Adorable!
But you're just a little girl.
You can't drink or huff.
Oh, my god, I'm trapped on a plane and I can't get a drink!
No! No!
(sobbing): Aah! Aah!
(groans): Oh, every time, stuck behind a crying baby.
Miss, can you control your little girl, because...
Oh, you are not telling me how to raise my child!
You do not tell this woman how to raise her child!
You do not tell her how to raise me! Mm-mm.
No, you do not. You have no idea what this woman has done!
Well, my little friend,
At least one of us can fly free.
(whistling)
Boys: Yay!
Got it! How many points is a bird worth?
I don't know, but I think we got a bonus.
There's a sorority house!
Wow, uncensored nudity!
This game must be from japan!
(yells)
Aw, man! We must have used up all of our boob credits.
Well, let's go kill some more birds
So it'll open back up.
Weird. This looks like our neighborhood.
And that looks like my house!
Yeah. But it's got some fat kid in the window.
They found us!
We're getting off the island!
This isn't a game!
W-w-we're flying a military drone!
Pull up! Pull up!
I'm losing control!
(beeping)
Oh, no, what have I done?!
Sir, the president's been killed.
My god.
So, what's our next move...
Mr. President?
There's going to be some changes around here.
We're so dead.
Oh, good. My dad trusted me, and I betrayed him.
He's gonna kill us.
How's that boner now, snot?
Look, steve, I know a mechanic who doesn't ask questions.
We can get it fixed up and put back before anyone notices.
Y-you think? Yeah, this guy's the best.
Last summer, my uncle hit a deer,
And this guy made his car as good as new.
It was a hooker.
My uncle told me to say it was a deer.
But she was okay.
She died.
I'm sorry, sir.
You cannot reboard the aircraft.
What?! What are you talking about?
Sir, we told you at least ten times
Before you got off: No one is allowed to reboard.
Hmm, doesn't sound familiar.
Now, I recall a conversation about me going to the newsstand
For a john grisham novel-- you recommended pelican brief.
I recommended staying on the plane.
I recommended the client.
Someone recommended pelican brief.
I said you should get something by james patterson.
Oh...
I remember you.
Sir! No one is allowed to reboard.
You don't understand. I'm cia!
I don't think you don't understand!
(taser buzzing, stan grunting)
Oh, where's leslie?
I got to show him this!
Leslie! I got one!
Look at this big man on the floor!
Damn!
Hey, you got any more of that trail mix left?
I told you, get your own damn trail mix.
Oh, but I gave you a piece of orbits gum the other day.
You were fine with that.
Orbits gum, orbits gum orbits gum.
Here we go again with the damn orbits gum.
Take a picture of me with this fool.
(camera shutter clicks)
(grunting)
Need... Booze.
(grunting)
Excuse me, ma'am?
I just wanted to tell you that your little girl is adorable.
My "little girl"?
Oh! Thank you.
Yep, she's an angel.
(giggles)
(retching)
I'm dying.
Franny, I want you to take over my blimpie's franchise.
(choked up): You'll run it right.
(nervous chuckle): She loves to pretend.
I think she might have s-k-I-z-t-o-f...
Double-f?
I'm trying to spell "schizonophria."
(strained grunting)
Here we are.
"no questions asked."
Just like I said, see?
Never seen a vehicle like this before.
W-well, can you fix it?
Read the sign: "no questions asked."
(whispers): Not by anyone.
Oh. But... How will we...
Eh. Okay.
Um... You will fix the dent if you are willing.
I am willing.
You will do it right away for $12.
I will do it by Wednesday for $100.
You will do it by Tuesday
For $75 and a date with my sister.
Is she hot? (imitates buzzer)
That's a question!
You just broke your own rule.
Did I?
(moaning)
I need a cocktail!
Are we on an airplane?!
Oh, my god, I'm becoming uncomfortably lucid!
Cut it out, roger!
You only have yourself to blame.
If you dress like a child,
You're gonna be treated like one.
That's it. I just need to change my costume.
God, this is ridiculous.
We could've walked to boston by now!
Try to relax, honey.
Look, skymall has an automatic cat feeder
And an automatic water bowl
And an automatic litter box.
I swear, it has never been easier to be a cat.
And it's never been easier
To be an upper middle class white man.
Roger? You mean stan.
Stan smith.
(deepening voice): St-stan smith.
Uh, I'm having trouble getting his voice right.
You know what,
I'm just gonna make him sound like sean connery.
Shweetheart, I'll have a mangotini.
Shaken, not shtirred.
Shtirred.
Is that how I say it?
Shtirred.
Why are you still here?
If that thing isn't fixed
Before my dad gets home, he's gonna kill me.
What?
What?!
Toshi, I can't understand what you're saying.
I don't know why I call you.
Morning, son.
Dad, wh-what are you doing here?
I got off and they wouldn't let me back on.
But, subconsciously, I think I just wanted to come home
And get these painkillers.
Ah, normal.
Looks like everything's okay here.
I'm proud of you, son.
My trust was well placed.
I'll be in my study.
(hyperventilating)
Looks like it's gonna be
A guys' weekend for you and me, huh?
I was thinking we'd rent crossbows,
Go to the dog park, see where the day takes us.
(sighing)
Uh, steve?
Could you come in here?
Um...
Y-yeah, dad?
When I left, this briefcase was here.
Now, it's here.
Do you have any idea how it could have gotten
From here to here?
(quivering): Uh...
Because cases don't just move from here to here,
When it was here.
Oh, wait, I did leave it here. Never mind.
(sighs)
Off line?
(tires screeching)
It's gone!
Did someone take your lunch, too?
I keep telling the brass, but they won't listen.
Somebody on this base is taking lunches.
(sighing)
You! (screaming)
What did you do?!
I didn't do anything!
(groaning, flushing)
You were in my study! No, I wasn't!
(grunting, flushing)
You took the drone!
I don't know what you're talking about!
(squealing, flushing)
What's your name?! Steve smith!
Funny, when you tell the truth, you don't need to flush.
Your ass has betrayed you.
(sobbing): Okay, it was me.
I did it.
Clean yourself up.
(sobbing)
Pilot: Yeah, good news, folks.
We've finally been cleared for takeoff.
Oh, thank god.
Hey, where's little caitlin?
Who? Your daughter.
Where is she?
I don't know. Somewhere.
Why do you care?
I care about the safety of all our passengers.
I'm the air marshal.
Now, where is she?
Oh, um...
She's in the lavatory.
Oh, okay. What are you talking about?
I was just at the lavatories.
There's nobody back there.
So, you don't know where caitlin is?
Of course we do!
She's, uh...
Oh, my god, she doesn't know!
She lost our daughter!
Roger, cut it out!
Hey, what's going on here?
Where is she?!
Where is my little angel?!
Hold me back like sean penn in mystic river.
Is that my daughter in there?!
No, no, hold them back.
Is that my daughter in... No, hold them!
Is that my... You are worthless.
I can't believe I trusted you!
(sobbing): I know!
You brought a $50 million drone to a body shop?
Snot vouched for them. I'm sure it's...
Gone!
Everything's gone!
Steve, it's so hard for me to admit I'm wrong.
What are you talking about?
This is my fault.
No, I mean when you were little
And I told you there was nothing you could ever do
To make me stop loving you.
Son, I was wrong.
If the cia finds out that drone is gone,
I'll get my ass handed to me.
They literally cut off your ass
And present it to you in front of everyone.
It's actually a very nice ceremony.
(muffled grunting)
Thank god.
Tell me who did this.
Chinese mafia.
I couldn't pay my gambling debts.
I play high-stakes ball-in-the-cup thing.
I bet you $500 I can get the ball in the cup.
Okay.
Damn!
I don't have the money right now, but I can get it!
I just need time. Just give me time!
You have three days.
Now, I need that drone!
They took it.
They took everything that wasn't nailed to the floor,
Including my floor-nailing machine,
Which nails other things to the floor,
But because it has to bebe fr fr tomo to topl do to do so
Is not itself nailed to the floor.
Where can I find them?
Well, I got mine at united floor nailing.
No, the chinese mafia!
They hang out in a warehouse in chinatown, third and franklin.
I'm coming with you, dad. Forget it, steve.
I would only have someone I trust by my side.
Like a nightclub owner.
Anyone in the entertainment industry.
Look, I don't care if you're all tired and uncomfortable.
We're not going anywhere until we find that little girl.
Roger, we've been sitting on this runway for 16 hours.
I'm begging you, change back into your caitlin costume.
Not until I find my little angel!
You are that little angel, dumbass!
Oh...
All right, people, I'm done screwing around.
There's a human life at stake.
A little girl!
And until she's returned to me safely,
I'm going to kill a passenger every 60 seconds,
Starting with this little boy!
(all gasping)
They found her!
(all cheering)
Thank god.
Every day's a gift from now on, son.
Freeze!
Let me see your hands!
Where's the plane you stole?
Oh, that thing?
Yeah, we sold it to tim.
He's using it for his parade float.
It's the chinese new year.
Parade float?
Idiots! That's a $50 million piece of military hardware!
And I just renewed the parking sticker!
50 million bucks?
Tim got a great deal.
Ooh, let's kill this guy and then go get it back.
(gunfire)
I can't believe we all missed him.
Well, actually, not killing people
Is kind of my new year's resolution.
Really? That's your resolution?
You sure there's nothing else you wanna work on?
The drone!
Cia!
I'm commandeering this float!
(whistling)
(gasping)
(grunting)
(yelling)
(stan grunting)
Stan: Come on, stan.
The cia spent years training you for this exact situation.
Use that training.
(squealing)
(high-pitched gasping)
So long, suckers!
(guns cocking)
Give it up. You're surrounded!
(gunfire)
(cell phone ringing)
Hello?
Steve: Dad, get on the drone.
I know I let you down but you gotta trust me.
I hope you know what you're doing.
(blubbering)
(gasping): The prophecy has been fulfilled!
The great dragon awakens!
Oh, with a white guy riding him.
Awesome.
Steve, you're gonna get me killed!
I told you, dad. Trust me.
Look to your left.
(sobbing)
It was a really nice float, tim.
I thought if I won,
Maybe susan would come back.
Pilot: Well, folks, we're finally cleared for takeoff.
(all cheering)
All right, finally! Yay!
(all groaning)
Hayley: Oh, my (bleep) god!
So, do you trust me now, dad?
Steve, it's not easy to regain someone's trust.
It takes a long time.
Like building a house or pleasing a fat woman.
I understand.
But saving me was a good start.
So, mr. President, what's your first priority?
Health care? Foreign affairs?
Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
No.
I'm gonna get me whatever's in that bird feeder across the way.