Do it! Go!
I'm trying to do our taxes! Quit fooling around down there!
That's not productive at all!
It's a slip 'n' slide, Dad.
Yeah, it's pointless.
Pointless?
It moves us from one side of the yard to the other on our bellies.
How else would we do that?
What a day.
Being a prison psychiatrist is harder than I thought it would be.
And these shoes?
No support at all. 100% rubber.
But the state insists I wear a shoe you can't make a weapon out of.
Go ahead, try.
Can't be done.
Props to you.
I definitely stepped in something.
Stan, the garage door is stuck again. Can you call the repair people?
I did. They were supposed to come yesterday. They never showed.
And now I'm upstairs trying to do our taxes,
and Steve's abusing the hose.
That's embarrassing. Did you walk in on him?
- What? - You caught him playing with himself?
Damn it, woman, you always jump to that. Last time, it was when I said,
- "He's doing his homework". - I thought you said "bone work".
- Where was I? - Steve was abusing the hose.
Yes. Spraying it about like a child.
He's turning 14 in two days.
Why can't he act his age?!
He's mature enough, Stan.
- Popsicle fight!
They can't discover my true identity!
It's the Strawberry Prince!
I cast invisibility!
Where'd he go?
That was close.
Hey, Mom, did you order the moonbounce for my birthday?
Yeah, I got the Star Trek one.
No, that's not happening.
Yeah, Dad, we're doing an outer space party.
We're gonna have our faces painted like aliens and everything.
White people in alien face?
Running around going "beep-boop-bop"?
Is this what you do when there's no alien in the room?
How would you feel if I made fun of you?
"I'm human. I'm from planet earth. I think I'm coming down with a cold."
Hurts, don't it?
Steve, you're absolutely not having a space party.
That's childish.
I'll help you think of something age-appropriate.
When I turned 14, I took over fiduciary responsibility
for my mother's 401K.
We discussed it over Italian food. I had my first espresso.
Kept me up all night. Fell asleep at dawn for five minutes
and had a stress dream about the house burning down.
Pretty good birthday.
You know what I miss most about being human?
- Mattering? - No.
What I miss most is having my hair cut.
A nice, relaxing trip to the barber.
The shampoo, the conditioner.
Inspecting the Fräulein
in the latest issue of Guten Tag vagina.
Welcome, Steve's friend.
Grab a cup of coffee. The entertainment's about to begin.
Listen up. This is Harvey. He's gonna take it from here.
What would you say to a life insurance policy
where all your premiums were returned to you
on your 72nd birthday?
What would you say?
And you'd be right to be excited!
As future homeowners, you'll need to properly insulate.
Go ahead, touch the wall.
It's cool to the touch, even though it's hot outside.
- Can we go outside? - No.
Let's move on to weather stripping.
Francine, what is this?
You were ruining Steve's party, so I called the moonbounce guys.
Steve's childhood is over, and you need to get used to it, just like he does.
Steve, get out!
You're an adult, and you will act like and be treated like an adult.
Look how high I'm going!
This... This is, this is so much...
This is so much fun!
Oh, God!
What's wrong?
Is there no cake?
Oh, God!
- What's wrong with Dad? - He's just tired, honey.
Yeah, being crazy is very tiring.
What? He went off his bean.
He's been out there for two days. Is he even eating?
I put a sandwich out by the bouncer and when I went back,
- it was gone. - I ate that.
You know I have a thing where I have to eat any food I find.
Maybe if I was fed better. I don't know.
Will you put on your psychiatrist costume and talk to him?
I'm kind of making a pizza.
- I'll pay you $75. - A hundred.
- You having fun? - I'm not coming out!
- Mind if I bounce with you a little? - I guess not.
Kind of...
First, a medical question.
Where have you been going to the bathroom?
These are new socks and I paid extra for monogramming is all. See?
That's not a monogram, that's a penguin.
My name is Dr. Penguin.
Anywho, it's my professional opinion
that this is a case of Pavlovian conditioning.
- Are you salivating? - Get away from me!
Patient is hostile but salivating normally.
Recommend a micro lobotomy performed with either green or red lasers.
Cut the crap. There's nothing wrong with me.
I've never been in a moonbounce before.
That's no surprise.
Your father walked out on you when you were four.
You inherited all of his responsibilities.
You never really had a childhood.
I didn't?
No. You're in way over your head.
As we grow, we pass certain milestones.
You skipped the milestones of youth. That's why you can't get out of here.
Your inner child is putting his foot down.
I don't know. That sounds like mumbojumbo.
It is. Dr. Mumbojumbo was my mentor
at the people's hospital in Cameroon.
If you deny your inner child,
you'll never be a well-adjusted adult.
You just need a little dose of fun. Go out and act like a kid.
Wipe your nose on your sleeve, eat Cheerios out of a baggie,
touch a urinal then touch your face.
Ride the back of a dog and pretend it's a pony,
- get an ear infection. - All right, I understand.
Spit on a jellyfish, get a stuffed rabbit and name it Rabbito,
touch penises with a neighbor boy.
I was thinking about what you said.
It's a doll wig.
I thought if it's what you miss most, why don't I give you a haircut?
It's beautiful.
May I?
Sweet, luxurious hair.
Maybe you could cut my hair like Ryan Phillippe's.
I can't really remember how he wears his.
Shoot.
Luckily, I have six pictures of him right here.
- That's... - Creepy. Yes, I know.
- Where's your car? - I sold it and bought my elephant.
But you can't get around on the elephant.
Then you don't know the power of a child's imagination.
To the stars, Shorbu!
Stan, you still got to finish the taxes and fix the garage door.
How long is this "getting in touch with your inner child" thing gonna take?
I don't know. How long did Billy Madison last?
Forever?
It felt like forever.
Go, Dad! You're doing it!
300 points! All right!
Ten million.
Who is A.S.S?
Wait, that spells... Oh, my God, that spells "ass"!
That's me, Dad.
But your initials are S.A.S.
- Was that a mistake? - Nope.
On purpose.
That... is... hilarious.
That's hilarious! It's a joke!
That's hilarious.
Out of the way, twerp.
I hate that senior.
- Who is he? - Henry Calloway.
He thinks he's so cool because his rock band plays the sororities
and he's always having so much sex.
We should egg his house.
We totally should! I've never done any egging.
Awesome! Father-son egging!
- Has that ever been done? - Probably!
Well, can you sneak out tonight?
I don't have to. That's one of the good things about being adult.
Holy moly, the streetlights are on! I'm supposed to be home!
Well?
What do you think?
Can I see the back?
You butchered my hair!
Which of these photos did you use?
Well, all. They're from different angles.
"From different angles"?
Oh, God. I'm going to be sick.
It'll be fine. Just let it settle.
Settling is what I did when I had you cut it.
God, I was just trying to be nice to you.
Life...
is not worth living!
Klaus, no! It's not worth it.
Suffer for your crimes!
Hey, you guys ready to do the eggs?
- Yeah. - Totally.
They'll never find these.
Suck it!
Run!
Guys, you don't need to run. The police are our friends.
You kids are too young
to remember the toilet paper shortage of '43.
We were sending so many rolls to our boys overseas
that our own posteriors were left unattended.
I'm talking anuses caked in a crust of human waste.
Do I make myself clear?
Yes, your honor.
Since then, TPing has been a criminal act in virginia.
However, taking your age into account,
I've decided just to give you a slap on the wrist.
You're getting 20 hours community service.
You're getting 20 hours.
You're getting three months in Chimdale prison.
And you two are getting 20 hours.
Three months? But I was just acting like a kid!
According to this, you are 42 years old.
But Chimdale prison?
I'll never make it there. God, I'll never make it there.
You'll make it.
We have a free bus that drives you right to the facility.
Three months in prison?
I know. I had so much more kid stuff to do.
No, I mean, what are we going to do without you?
Don't worry. I'll be out in a month with good behavior.
- But our taxes are due. - I can do them, Mom.
I'll take care of things while you're away, dad.
Look at that.
I knew I could count on you, Steve.
Sir, would you mind hugging my son?
I'm very proud of him at this moment,
- but my hands... - Not a problem.
I'm hugging so many people at this job, it's crazy.
You can do this. Just keep your head down,
and spread the rumor that your sphincter has teeth.
Hey, new guy. You think you can take us?
- Look, I don't want any trouble. - It's no trouble.
All right.
Let him have it, Wesley.
Are you all right?
We have the squash court reserved for an hour.
Want to go knock it around?
Yeah, yeah. That'd be nice.
Wait, are you Wesley Snipes?
A lot of people ask me that.
Yes, I am.
Good game. You guys play every day?
One of the perks of being in a minimum-security prison.
Passion fruit iced tea?
- Thanks, Rivers. - You guys have it great here.
We do. We do.
The warden's an ass, but other than that,
it's like... camp for adults.
So, in here, a guy could act like a kid if he wanted.
Phone call.
Y'ello.
Hi, Dad.
Are you still claiming 60% business use on your car?
I sold it and bought a flying elephant.
I know, but this is for last year.
I'll just put 60.
That sounds good. See you.
And do you know where the schematic diagram of the dishwasher is?
I can find the warranty card, but not the schematic.
A little plastic piece in the lower tray broke.
I need the item number to order a new piece.
Right.
I tried describing the piece to the lady on the sears helpline,
but it's hard, you know?
It's a small gray piece, maybe three inches long
with these little prongs that clip into the lower tray
so you can adjust some of the uprights to hold,
like bowls and larger things,
or just regular-sized plates if you leave the poles in the down position.
You know the piece?
See, it's pretty hard to describe, so I'm looking for the schematic.
Dad? Are you there?
Excuse me.
All right, guys, you know I don't want to be the bad guy.
That's not why I became a warden of a prison, okay?
But a food fight?
Come on. Food belongs in your tummies.
We didn't start it.
I'm trying to help you out here.
And it's hard for me to even say it, it sounds so negative,
but if you guys can't reel in your shenanigans,
you won't be eligible for an early release.
Okay, that right there. That's funny.
I deserve that. But, seriously,
the next parole board meets right after the guard-inmate kickball game tomorrow
and I don't want anyone to blow their chances.
Now, get out of here.
Go get some pizza. I had it delivered to your cells.
Was I too hard on them, Chirpy?
Warden sucks.
You rascal.
That is good fun.
I hate that warden.
Sending us pizzas, covering for us when we screw up.
I get it. You're the good guy. I'm the criminal.
- Well, we are in prison. - So is he.
So is he.
The worst thing is, he's always pushing for our early release.
- I don't want to go anywhere. - Me, neither. This place is awesome.
If we pull off this prank at the kickball game,
there's no way they'll let us out early.
When the warden comes up to kick,
- we put hornets in the ball. - How can you put hornets in a ball?
We paint this red.
- Can i do the painting? - I don't know, Wes.
We let you paint the chair we made for my nephew.
It was pretty sloppy work.
How you holding up, Stan?
It's great in here.
What? But... You'll be out soon, right?
Maybe not. Why didn't Steve come?
Steve's right here.
Okay, first of all, you were supposed to fix the garage door yesterday
between 3:00 and 5:00.
You never showed.
Then I was told by...
Robert, who wouldn't give me his last name or extension,
that I would be the first appointment today.
I waited in my house until 3:15.
I almost missed my father's prison kickball game.
You need to make this right!
- You look terrible. - He's running himself ragged,
being the man of the house.
Hey, Smith, let's play!
Get out there, Dad. Go have some fun.
The warden kicks first. You don't want to miss this.
How do you want it?
Slow and bouncy and over the plate.
But whatever you do will be good enough. 'Cause I know you're trying.
I hate you.
If we pull off this prank at the kickball game,
there's no way they'll let us out early.
There's no way they'll let us out early.
Are you sure it looks okay?
Yes. It looks really good. You've...
You've got the ladybug barrette in there and...
It's terrible, isn't it?
- Isn't it? - Yes! It's awful!
It's so awful!
And I realize nothing I do now is going to fix my crummy childhood,
but I don't want to wreck my son's.
So, vote how you have to today.
I'm keeping my nose clean from here on out.
I just hope it's not too late.
Beautiful, Mr. Smith.
I think I speak for everyone when I say immediate release
- would be the best... - Not for everyone, Charlie.
Not for everyone.
Crocodile tears, Mr. Smith. And you're not fooling me.
No, if we let you out now, it ends in one of two ways.
Complete rehabilitation, or you'll just get in trouble again.
And I don't like those odds. Parole denied.
I'll kill you! You're a dead man!
See? Maniac.
This is a good bagel.
Probably 'cause it's a donut.
What are you doing after this?
Good luck, now.
This is the place.
There he is!
You owe me big, Mr. Hard Time.
Who got you two more months of goofing around?
I did, is who. Get inside this hug.
- Welcome home, honey. - It's good to have you back.
Where's my boy?
Who's there?
It's me, son.
Put down those papers.
Look out back.
What is it?
It's a slip 'n' slide, son.
And I want you to play on it.
For as long as you want.