(upbeat March plays)
¶ good morning, usa! ¶
¶ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
¶ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶
¶ and he's shining a salute to the american race ¶
¶ oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
¶ good morning, usa. ¶
Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
And toyota. Moving forward.
(brakes squeal)
Klaus, I brought you a present from the cia lab.
A fish with a human brain, just like me?
¶ at last... ¶
No, it's just a regular fish.
They took its retinas out for an eye-scanning experiment.
I brought the little blind guy home to keep you company.
Well, enjoy.
Hey there, beautiful.
Bring that body over here.
Mm... (slapping loudly)
Stan, my fanny!
¶ give me some of that franny fanny ¶
¶ pump it up! Pump it up! Pump it up! ¶
Both: ¶ give me some of that franny fanny! ¶
¶ give me some of that franny fanny! Give me... ¶
All right, enough of that. It's clearly all chorus
And I won't be a part of it.
You know, you've been getting that franny fanny
For almost 20 years. What, now?
You do remember our 20th wedding anniversary's coming up, right?
Of course.
That's why I've planned to, uh... To...
Have a magical ceremony to renew your vows.
Roger, that's a terrible...
(smooching)
Oh, stan. You always take such good care of me.
Yep, I remember when stan came to me months ago
And asked me to plan the whole thing.
Right, stan?
Yes.
Great. Just cut me that check for $6,800,
The budget we agreed upon,
And I'll get started.
$6,800?
Oh, stan.
I'm so lucky to be married to such a good provider.
Just make it out to jeannie gold weddings.
Who's that? Jeannie gold,
Wedding planner.
This is my emergency wedding kit.
Everything you need for last-minute snafus--
Needle and thread, band-aids for sore heels,
Fake hymens for those not-so-well-behaved
Middle eastern brides.
These beauties are packed full of ox blood.
Trust me, that bedroom will look like
The set of wes craven movie the next morning.
You must be the children. Jeannie gold.
I wanted to discuss the gift you're buying your parents
For their anniversary.
I'm just going to get them a card.
Sign my name to it, "forever yours, s."
They'll know.
You'll do better than a card.
It's their 20th. China is the traditional gift.
Leave us alone, roger.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I went a little ike turner,
Caught you on the side of the head
So you can cover it with your hair.
I don't want you bruised for the photos.
That's how good I am.
Now find a meaningful gift.
Disappoint me and next time,
You'll be dealing with valik. Who?
(russian accent): Listen to jeannie or I cut you.
Roger: Two weeks from today, francine,
You will be here, walking down the aisle.
I've recreated the menu, the flowers...
I even have a string quartet playing the score
From room with a view.
We didn't have that at our wedding.
After your reception, when you and stan drove away in the limo,
You heard a song playing from a third story window.
You didn't know what it was,
But secretly wished you had walked down the aisle to it.
How did you...
I never shared that with anyone.
Last Wednesday, when you were in the bath,
I snuck up and ethered you good.
While in your twilight state, you admitted your regret.
You hummed that song for me.
I had a top musicologist beside me and he identified it.
He saw me naked?
Honey, please. He's a musicologist.
He sees it every day.
Here's the number of my tailor.
He can let your wedding dress out.
Oh, I don't need to.
It still fits.
Really? Look at you.
She is just beautiful.
That's the reason I married her.
Well, that's not the only reason.
Yes, it is.
There was nothing else?
Nope.
Just my appearance?
That is correct.
What he means is,
Your beauty emanates from within.
No, I don't.
You know, I'm not so sure I want to renew vows with...
Don't give up on this, francine.
There were good times.
Think back. He must have done something
To show his love was true.
(belches)
Ignore that. Steak-ums.
Well, two weeks before our wedding,
Stan and I agreed not to see each other.
At the ceremony, when I stepped out of the limo,
He ran to me, picked me up and swung me around
And told me he never wanted to be away from me again.
But now I realize he only loved me for my looks.
What? He was joking.
Stan, tell her.
Oh. Y-yeah, of course. I was joking.
I love you for more than your looks.
You have no sense of humor.
Good thing you're pretty.
Oh, another joke. Shut up, stan.
You're too funny.
Okay, here's what we're going to do.
Just like before, you won't see each other for two weeks,
Then we'll recreate your reunion at the wedding.
I'll film the whole thing and make it an extra on the dvd
Along with the musicologist touching you in the bath.
I'm kidding. At least I think I'm kidding.
I left him alone with her for a half hour while I took a nap.
What do you say, honey?
Okay, roger. Let's do it.
It's still on.
I'm jeannie gold, wedding planner extraordinaire.
And a survivor.
He'll see you in two weeks, just like before.
(smooching)
I got to hand it to you. You're doing a great job.
Are you hitting on me? What?
This happens all the time.
I will not let you ruin your wedding.
I will give you a handy jay to keep you out of trouble.
Can I help you find something?
We're looking for some china
For our parents 20th anniversary gift.
What do you have for under 30 bucks?
These porcelain thimbles.
We'll take them. Them?
No, it's $30 for one.
Just put it in your largest free box.
I'll be paying with a combination
Of change, check, and the value of this dance.
May I?
Oh, I shouldn't, but yes.
(steve humming a waltz)
You! Idiot boy!
Put some stones on the bridal runner,
So the breeze won't take it.
You, distribute these bags of rice to the guests.
Our policy is not to throw rice. It's bad for the birds.
Screw the birds! Here's what I think of the birds!
(squawking)
Roger, where... Aw.
Where's francine?
Francine is on her way with her parents.
Stan, these are my sons alex and ron.
They're in columbia film school.
How is that possible?
I know. I look too young to have kids in college.
No, that you have children
When your persona is totally fabricated.
We are the music makers.
We are the dreamers of dreams.
That is an unsatisfying answer.
You kids bought the gift?
Oh, from landon's. De-lovely!
You could put it in a curio case.
You could sew with it.
A little mouse could wear it for a hat.
The boy is to die first.
(screams)
(panting)
Man: Here come the bride!
What happened?
Let me get that for you, dear.
Bite down on this.
(whimpering)
(screaming)
(smooching loudly)
Good as new. Don't go into shock.
Today's not about you.
Okay, everyone. Places!
(string quartet playing)
Mom, here she comes!
I'm ready to renew our vows.
(stan gasps) alex, ronnie, cut!
Mama's not making a monster movie.
What are you looking for?
The makeup guy from norbit.
Rick baker, get out here, you talented son of a bitch.
Stan, this is me.
What the hell happened?
I stopped doing my beauty regimen.
And started her ugly regimen.
(laughing)
Oh, you boys keep me young.
You don't know what it takes for me to look good.
After you leave for work,
I do the treadmill until I throw up.
Then I go to my hairdresser
Where I get my roots touched up,
Followed by a lunch of iced tea and laxatives.
Then I wax my arms, legs, and eyebrows,
While power lifting the couch
To tone the fanny you love so much.
(gasps)
(ripping and screaming)
(grunting)
(footfalls approaching)
(heart pounding)
Ha... Lo.
Hey, beautiful.
And I also stopped wearing my retainer.
Why are you doing this?
Stan, we've been married for 20 years,
And all this time, you've only appreciated me for my looks?
I need you to love me for who I am on the inside.
He does. He totally does!
On with the show! We'll meet you at the altar.
Oh, man. She scared me. You see that?
I almost punched her in the face.
Stan, remember, the first rule of any wedding
Is the bride is always beautiful.
The second rule you can read on my web site.
You have to be 18 to log on.
I have some sexy barnyard stuff on there
That is not for everyone.
I could get in a lot of trouble.
If you do decide to check it out,
You need to clear your history right away.
You may need to uninstall your browser.
I'm telling you, scrub that thing clean.
If you think you're being too cautious, you're not.
They will take us both to jail.
("bridal chorus" plays)
It's worse when she's in motion.
I can't go through with this.
I'm just going to sneak out.
I don't want to embarrass anyone by making a scene.
(slapping and crashing)
(crashing, harp playing)
(harp playing)
Stan, can you get rid of this fish corpse floating in my bowl?
It's starting to bum me out.
You ran out on our wedding?!
To be fair, to be fair, francine,
To be fair... You're ugly.
This was a test to see if you loved me for who I am,
And you failed!
I wasn't in the mood to be tested!
Are you that shallow, stan?
If after 20 years of marriage, you can find nothing more
To love about me than my looks,
Then I don't even know why we're married.
Either you love me for who I am, or lose me forever.
Okay, okay.
If it means that much to you,
I'll try to get to know the real you.
Honest?
Honest.
It'll be like dating all over again.
Only this time, you'll be the one with the moustache.
But, stan, wait!
The fish!
(sighs)
Well, I guess I could make love to it
One more time before the stench makes me vomit.
This is fun, huh?
There you go.
There it is.
Stan, an orthodox jewish service
Is a very strange place for a date.
Did you take me here so you wouldn't have to look at me?
Francine, please.
The torah is out of the ark.
Show some respect.
¶ barachu adanoi hamvoraoh laolom va-ed. ¶
(stan and francine panting)
I knew you could get past my looks.
(sighs)
A hundred and nine.
A hundred and nine what?
That's it, stan!
We're through!
I want you out of this house!
No, you don't.
Whoa, whoa, francine, be careful!
Lift with your fat ugly legs,
Not your fat ugly back.
I forgot my bathroom key.
So, you're here late?
Yeah, I got to clean up
After all those animals you folks blinded.
(squawks)
Oh, looks like one got out.
No, I left the cages open.
I can't afford to go to the movies, so...
This makes me laugh.
I could use a good laugh.
My wife kicked me out.
Ooh.
Is she fine?
'cause I'll give a fine bitch a call.
No, she's not fine.
That's the problem.
I can't stand the sight of her.
But I love her.
I mean, she's my wife.
Well, you better do something quick.
'cause you know they miss you at first, but that wears off.
I don't know what to do.
(monkey squawking)
(laughing)
That stupid monkey.
Hello, stan.
I got your message.
Oh, francine, thank you for meeting me.
Look, I know I've been acting like an ass,
But I'm committed to this.
Committed to us.
Oh, stan.
You're meeting me in a public, well-lit place.
You're really trying.
I really am.
I already ordered some wine so we can toast to our future.
There's a dog doing a handstand on the label.
Stan, we can't afford this.
Nothing but the best for my lady.
Oh, I'll go get a towel.
That's okay, I'll just use my napkin.
That's better.
Stan, what is going on with you?
I love you, francine, and I didn't want to lose you,
But I can't get past your looks.
So I did the only sensible thing a man in my position would do.
I had my retinas removed.
I'm completely blind!
(gasps)
A toast! To us.
I can't believe what stan did.
Wait!
Ready.
He took his retinas out!
Does this story come with a dictionary?
I don't know what retinas are.
What are you telling me?!
He blinded himself.
Oh. So where is the big dope?
Oh, for the love of...
So jackson's grandmother went to law school in the '30s, okay?
That is a strong woman.
Come on, stan!
You are unbelievable!
I did it to save our marriage.
My eyes were getting me into trouble,
So I had the cia take my retinas out.
Now that I'm blind, I can fall in love with your insides.
Then I'll be able to stomach your outside.
I'll be like joan cusack's husband.
(sobbing)
When grandma ling was on her deathbed,
She said, "look into my eyes, francine,
And you'll never be alone."
And I did, and it made me feel so safe!
And now I can't even look my own husband in the eyes.
That's the most moving story I've ever heard.
I must have told you that story at least 30 times.
Yes, but this is the first time I listened.
I want to know everything about you.
Really?
Well, I was born September 26.
You're a libra!
I need to know more!
Where are you from?
Do you have any children?
What's in this?
It's fantastic!
I make this all the time.
I guess I never truly tasted your cooking before.
You're such an intriguing woman, francine.
Tell me your dreams.
Where do you park when you go the airport?
Parking lot c.
(moaning)
Oh, stan.
Without your eyesight, you've become a much better lover.
I'm just so in tune with your body.
I'm gonna slap your big round ass.
Damn right you are.
Ow! That's my head!
Roger?! What are you doing in here?
I just came to tell you that jeannie gold's business
Is ruined because of you,
And then I kind of got caught up in the show.
Well, tell jeannie she'll get another chance.
We're going to go ahead and renew our vows.
That is, if you'll have me.
Oh, stan, of course I will.
It's last minute, but I can get us the willow room.
It'll take all of my radisson points,
But what am I saving them for?
A man? Ha!
I'm too set in my ways.
Alex trebek, a chamomile tea and a chapter of little women
And I'm out by 8:15.
Mom and dad are gonna love this present.
How much longer do we have to sit like this?
He's putting on the finishing touches.
Ooh, the muses have taken him.
He's done!
Hayley: Wow, it's beautiful.
Yeah, I'm surprised how good it is.
Oh, no!
The vows ceremony is tomorrow.
What are we gonna do?!
Valik's gonna kill us!
(groans)
My scar's burning.
He's thinking of me!
(chuckles) what?
I notice you let out little farts all the time.
It's cute. They don't even smell that bad.
This one does, but usually they don't.
I can't wait to renew our vows tomorrow.
In some strange way, your blindness
Is the best thing that has ever happened to us.
(moans)
You're right.
My plan was to get it reversed, but being blind is great.
It's given our relationship depth.
Now you won't have to spend all day making yourself pretty.
You can take care of me full-time. What?
Except, of course, when you're at work.
Work?
I'm a blind bastard, francine.
You'll be providing for the family now.
I can't be a provider.
Sure you can.
Let's see, what kind of job can an ugly person do?
Run the equipment sign-out room at a ymca.
You could wrap flowers in a supermarket.
Manage a jo-ann fabrics.
Think about it, francine: Management.
You're not filipino, so you can't be a nurse.
(organ playing softly)
I'm sure she's on her way.
She's only three hours late.
Padre, stop looking so tense.
You're stressing everyone out.
You need to relax.
You bitch!
You left me and stan at the altar!
You made fools of us!
You are going to apologize to me,
And you're going to apologize to...
Oh, for the love of...
Come on, stan!
Francine!
Are you in the room?
I smell chicken fingers, so I know you're in the room.
I'm here.
I can't believe you didn't show.
You know why I didn't show?
I didn't get married to take care of somebody!
I got married to be taken care of!
I'm not the bad guy here.
You're the one who doesn't want
To be with me because I'm blind.
I don't want to be a provider.
And I don't want an ugly wife.
Well, I-I guess I'm just as shallow as you are.
I guess you are.
So what if we got married for surface reasons?
It works. You're right.
Why fix something that's not broken?
Absolutely.
We may be shallow, but our love is deep.
(both moan)
The vows are back on.
Okay, we blew the budget on the first two ceremonies.
Not sure how,
But jeannie gold is going to make it spectacular!
¶ ¶
I promise, when you start to sag,
To subject you to risky elective surgery.
And I promise to be with you
Only if you make money and stay healthy.
Alzheimer's runs in my family.
You'll be dealing with that solo.
I had no budget left.
I went to the party store and bought the leftover
Thanksgiving decorations from the half-price bin.
I think you did a great job, mom.
I did when I made you.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to present to you
Once again as husband and wife...
Man: Could we get more garlic bread?
...Stan and francine smith!
Move it along. We only have the place for another half hour.
Who wants orange?
Root beer?
I got two light beers.
They were on the dashboard of my car for a long time.
They are hot to the touch.
Anybody?
They do not have dessert here,
But I brought a bag of chips ahoy.
I was keeping it in a cooler so the chocolate chips
Wouldn't melt, but the water soaked through the bag.
Long story short, some of the cookies are wet.
I'll spread them out over here in the sun.
Help yourselves. Everyone having a good time?
Best wedding ever, right?
I'm ruined.
¶ ¶
Have you seen steve and hayley?
(squawks)
That maniac valik will never find us here.