♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪ ♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
♪ American Dad 6x14 ♪ School Lies Original Air Date on April 3, 2011
-- sync, corrected by elderman --
Listen, rookie, you're new,
so you'll be intimidated at first.
When I started,
I was afraid to ask where the bathroom was.
I pooped in my drawer for six months.
Started planting things in it.
My tomatoes did really well.
The only way to get ahead is to work hard.
Just keep your nose to the grindstone-- Oh, my God!
It's Senator Buckingham!
Stop pointing.
He's the senator who assigns
all the prestigious CIA task force positions.
Quick, look like you're working hard.
Don't stand there looking stupid,
start stacking the wood!
Webber, you son of a gun!
Still playing your short irons in the front of your stance?
It works for me.
I made a tricky up and down past the trap on nine last week.
They got you setting up shop here?
No, no.
I'm taking you up to eight.
Got a primo task force position for you.
Geez, sir, that would be great!
See how busy I look?
I don't fudging believe it!
Senator Buckingham just took Webber to the eighth floor!
Why did the senator just promote the new guy?
Stan, they're golf buddies.
Golf?!
But I've been here 20 years!
I've focused totally on the work!
I've never made waves...
That's exactly right!
You haven't made waves.
But people like waves.
Waves are fun.
Remember in Fast Times
how Spicoli is always after "tasty waves"?
I've never seen that movie.
Well, no wonder you don't understand the business world.
Teishi!
There's no birthday party for me in here.
She's seen Fast Times.
It's like this, Stan.
You can either play the career game,
or you can concentrate on family.
I'm not saying career is better than family.
It's just a choice.
Career's better.
This is all the towel I need.
Hey-dee, hi-dee. What's up? Not much.
Just doing some work on the school, some improvements.
Gosh, in those weird suits?
Is it dangerous?
Legally, I have to say "yes."
But personally, I don't think it's a problem.
How could asbestos hurt you?
It's got "best" right in it.
I got a tear in my suit!
I've been exposed!
Don't touch me!
No reason we both got to die!
Steve, get in the car.
'Kay, Mommy.
Hey! Oh, God!
I work and I work, and I get nowhere.
My only option is to take 20 grand
over to the golf club and join up.
You can't take up golf.
We need that money to send Steve to private school.
We can't leave him where he is; it's full of poisons!
Can you guys keep it down?
I'm studying for my nursing exam.
Bertrum, I have some bad news.
The test results came back and...
looks like you're dying of cuteness.
Look, I'm sorry, but I can't afford
to once again fall into the trap of choosing family over career.
I don't think it's a trap.
No? Try sitting in a cubicle for 20 years.
Did you know that the average cubicle
is half the size of a prison cell?
But you get to leave.
And come home.
You, you walked right into that one, babe.
Well, I already signed us up to tour the private school.
Fine, but I'm not gonna try to impress anyone.
No jokes, no charm,
and I'm gonna wear the pj bottoms
where my pud always falls out.
Look at that designer backpack.
And check out that $200 haircut.
What a waste.
That money could cover a whole Iraqi family
in white phosphorus.
And this kid in his fancy electric scooter.
Too spoiled to walk.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Good afternoon.
Jerk's got his stereo attached to his scooter.
When I was young, I had to carry mine on my shoulder.
There is no way we're sending Steve here
to hobnob with Jimmy Boom Box and his silver spoon pals.
Yep, Steve should go here.
But you just said... I changed my mind.
It's called a 180, Francine.
It's a crow!
Francine, get the camera.
Why do I have to wear this stupid uniform
and go to a new school?
You just have to go here
until I can get in good with the senator
and get that promotion.
Hey, you seen a limo with diplomatic plates?
No.
Have you ever seen a magic trick
so amazing it'll blow your mind?
Yoo-hoo!
Beat it, you dingus.
Senator!
It's Stan Smith from the CIA.
My son goes here.
I don't recognize the face.
Well, that's because you haven't seen me
putt my driver and make holes.
Sorry?
Yeah, just golf talk.
Or a golf joke, if it doesn't seem right.
That's good stuff.
Hey, how about me and you play some golf tomorrow?
Hmm. I got to be at work.
Hey, you know where
all the real work gets done, don't you?
Oh, yeah.
Do I ever!
Okay!
See you tomorrow.
He means the work gets done on the golf course.
Shut up, dingus!
Dingus! Dingus.
Thank you.
I think that's enough, Stan.
Oh, excuse me, Mr. Grindstone.
This report is due tomorrow, okay?!
Tomorrow... Oh, that reminds me.
Tomorrow I'm playing golf with Senator Buckingham.
At his golf club.
The same one Brooke Hogan belongs to.
Her father is Paul Hogan, professional golfer,
brother of Hulk Hogan.
I don't think any of that's right.
Yello.
Hey, baby.
He wasn't in school?!
No, don't.
I'll set him straight.
Straighter than Chuck Norris.
Because, he's so obviously hetero.
Well, um, m-maybe it'd be funnier
if you were looking at his face, like I am.
Hi, Mom.
I'm not supposed to talk to you.
Oh? Why is that?
Because your dad is going to talk to you
when he gets home.
Oh? Why is that?
School called.
You!
Ooh!
Stan!
I know. I'll talk to him.
It's, it's just, it's just...
he's so bad at moving his body.
Steve, your mom and I are paying a lot of money
for you to go to this school.
More like so you can go!
All you care about is taking me there
so you can be friends with that senator.
Friends?
Did he use that word?
God, you're embarrassing!
But you're gonna be way more embarrassed
if you make me go back there.
I'll act like a wolfman.
No, you won't.
I'm a wolfman.
My dad is Stan Smith.
Don't put him on any task forces!
You wouldn't do that!
And I'd pant real fast!
Wear makeup under the eyes.
Is that what you want, Dad?!
You know I got the pipes!
Die, demon of the night!
I was joking! He was joking!
What?
Don't joke about that.
I won't! We won't!
I do a serious job.
I don't need this.
We really appreciate everything you do.
Here we are.
Stuffington Academy.
I'm glad we were able to come to an agreement on this.
Have a good day at school, son.
I'm already having a good day 'cause you called me son.
Now give me a kiss.
Kiss me on the lips, Dad.
I want that kind of relationship with you.
You thought about it. I saw it.
I'm so excited to go to school here, Dad.
Hey, hey, should I come out of the closet
and then make a big stink when they won't let me
take my 50-year-old boyfriend to the prom?
No! You have to behave yourself.
All right, there's the senator.
Now, get in good with his daughter
and it'll help me a lot.
Gotcha! Sex the daughter.
I'm serious, Roger; I have a lot riding on this.
Just be normal.
Senator Buckingham!
I want you to meet my son, Steve.
Your eminence.
This must be your beautiful young wife.
That's my daughter Cookie.
Don't be late for class, you two.
So, Cookie, do you like ponies?
Your boy's quite the little gentleman.
Thank you, sir.
Say, are we going to play a round this afternoon?
Totally! I'd love to play around!
Either we could see a movie
and try the new Mexican place at the food court...
I mean a round of golf.
"A round of golf."
Like a set of tennis or a game of checkers.
Ah!
Words.
We pulled it off!
Sorry. Forgot you were back there.
Why?!
Oh, wow.
Oh, geez, my eye.
I-I got to go to school like this!
I'm not taking you to school.
Your mom thinks you're at Stuffington,
and we can't be getting two report cards in the mail.
But what about my education?
Steve, you know how we love the musical Annie?
I love Annie!
Yeah, notch it down. I know.
Well, you're gonna be street smart like her,
have a hard-knock life! Get out.
So, can I just hang out at the arcade every day?
Yeah, whatever. All you have to do
is walk out the door with me every morning,
so your mom thinks you're going to Stuffington.
Sandy!
His name is Ronald!
You trying to rename my dog?!
This guy's trying to rename my dog!
Okay, okay, that's enough.
Consuela, now you're a member of the Chicas Freakas.
You know how to handle a gun.
As long as that's not sexual innuendo, then you're right.
You're more girl than boy.
You want to be part of our gang?
Might as well.
It's pretty boring when everyone's at school anyway.
Want to play table hockey?
After you join.
Kick her ass!
Aah...
Beautiful shot!
Thank you.
Look! Your favorite celebrity!
Smack!
Nicely played.
Senator, we've known each other for nearly two days now.
Can I ask you a favor?
Sure. Come by tonight for dinner and we can talk.
But let me warn you, I have a rule about favors:
I give everybody just one.
I have a similar rule about bubble gum.
Beautiful.
Uh, I feel beautiful.
I did it!
I made waves!
I'm like this with the senator now.
He's having me for dinner tonight,
and I'm gonna ask him to put me
on the Interagency Task Force as a favor.
Ooh, what's that?
It's basically this thing
that will change everything in my life.
Everything in my life will be better if I get it,
and I'll be really disappointed if I don't.
Francine, I played the...
My God! Did you get in a fight at school?
No. Look, you know,
I'm gonna be a straight shooter with you now.
I think I screwed the pooch on this one. What?
You know how you said try to be friends
with the senator's daughter? Yeah.
Well, it began like that, and then middle, middle, middle,
and then I sold her to a drug dealer. The end.
You what?!
Are you seriously mad at me, Stan?
You're the who's always telling me to go with my instincts.
I thought you'd be proud of me.
Ah, there's a blue jay out there.
I don't want to see the blue jay.
Oh, it's so blue.
You're not gonna want to miss this.
No.
Stan...
Fine. Oh, it's gone.
Why would you sell the girl?!
Why would you not look at the blue jay earlier?!
You sold the senator's daughter?!
How did this happen?!
Ugh, I've told this story so many times today.
You should just ask my hairdresser.
Roger! Okay, okay.
So, I was trying to be her best friend,
like you wanted...
So, Cookie, do you like ponies?
Uh... no.
I'm almost 16.
Oh. So what do you like?
Cocaine and stuff.
Yay!
Oh, Patrick.
Wake up, bitch!
MAN 2: Get your ass up!
Wake up!
Ow! I'm awake! What do you want?
I want the money you owe me.
I don't have any more money.
Take this fool outside and shoot him in the head.
I don't want to go outside!
Hey, it's beautiful out.
You've been inside all day.
Now, you are gonna go out there, get some fresh air,
and get shot in the head.
Wait. How much do I owe? 300 bucks.
I'll sell you the girl for $300.
Plus $1.35 for the bus.
Oh, and the name of a plumber I can trust at my house
when I go to work-- I-I'm asking everybody.
JKM Plumbing's coming on Tuesday.
So we can put the wooden spoon back in the kitchen.
No more having to chop .
God, Roger, how could you sell her?!
Stan, you're focusing on the wrong thing.
The wooden spoon's for pasta again.
Hello.
Stan, my daughter didn't come home from school.
Now, last time I talked to her, she was with Steve.
Yes! Yes! Uh, they're right here.
They are here playing safely in the safeness of my house.
No, we're not!
Anyway, sir, she's here and she's safe.
Oh, good. I was worried.
Now, just bring Cookie home when you come over for dinner.
Take it easy, Stan. Let's just...
let's just lower our guns.
Pow! Second gun!
Hmm, none of this looks familiar.
You dumb-ass! Where did you leave her?
I don't know. I was pretty messed up, Stan.
Maybe I'm too sober to remember.
Maybe if I was messed up now?
Forget it. Fine. Just thought you wanted to find her.
14 blocks straight ahead,
then you're gonna take a right on Euclid.
Wow, Roger, you're really focused.
Yeah, I thought it would help.
It'll be the fourth building on your left,
just past the recycling plant.
Why are you stopping?
It's a red light.
I didn't stop for red lights.
Hey. Hi. I'm just here to pick up Cookie.
What? The, uh...
the, uh, girl there on the couch.
Which one?
Uh... well, the, um,
uh... h-how do I say this?
Uh, th-the one with the straightest hair.
She's, uh, the one on the end there.
I mean, uh, if you were handing out sunscreen,
you'd give it to her first.
The white bitch? Ah, yes, thank you.
Yes, yes, the-the white bitch.
What's he want?
He's here for the white girl.
She's mine! Everything in this room is mine!
Got it? The girl, the coffeemaker,
the... whoa!
Whose is that?
Oh, that's Carl's.
Too scary, Carl.
Get it out of here.
No. You know what?
Give it to this fool.
He's on his way out.
Ah. I see.
I'll be on my way.
Is this coffee fresh?
Who made this?
Yo! What time was the coffee made?
We're going straight to the senator's for dinner.
How do we sober her up?
We don't.
She's... she is strung out.
But she's a heavy user with a massive tolerance,
so she might pull it together.
She also might die.
Either way, I'm eating dessert.
I've been very good this week.
It was great getting you on the course today, Stan.
Have you thought about your favor?
A favor?
I did some favors today.
Oh, she sure did!
Shaking up medicine at the old folks home.
We all did it.
Good idea, Cookie! Let's dig in!
Come on!
Bravo, Cookie.
Another face plant.
Lessie! Bring in the Pulp Fiction kit!
You... you know about her drug problem?
All too well.
But I don't have time to deal with it.
For men like us, Stan,
for men of power and authority,
well, there's career and there's family.
And sometimes you have to focus on what's important--
and that's career.
So, spit it out, what's your favor?
Well, since you assign the task force positions...
Take it.
A phone call at a time like this couldn't possibly change
the nature of the favor you're going to ask.
Hello.
Stan! Oh, my God, Stan!
Steve's been arrested!
Whoa, whoa, baby, calm down.
He robbed a pharmacy! People are in the hospital!
Armed robbery! He's in jail!
People are always in the hospital, baby--
that's what they build them for.
Stan! What are we gonna do?!
Look, it's gonna be fine; it's a first offense.
You have to do something!
He's your son!
Okay, I know what my favor is.
I washed you in the sink when you were a baby!
I ain't gonna let you die!
There you are.
You want a piece of cake?
I hate you, Lessie!
Mm, mm, you're a troubled child.
I don't know who you know,
but it must be someone pretty high up.
I mean, not the president, but more than the mayor.
Just from the feel of it, I'd say it was a...
third-term senator? U.S.
Not state, of course.
Wow! Exactly right!
Yeah. It's on the form here.
Ha-ha! Wasted your time!
I'm sorry, Dad.
No, I'm the one who should be sorry.
I was playing the career game
when I should have been focusing on what's important--
focusing on you.
I just want to go back to my old school.
That's all I want, too, son.
Your face is freaking me out.
You look like the cashier at CVS.
How are we gonna explain this to Mom?
Don't worry, I'll take care of that.
We'll blame the robbery on one of those
snotty private school kids.
You on the run, too, huh?
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: I was framed. Who are you?
My name's Johnny. Johnny Mind.
Mind Quad!
Now, get in.
We have good deeds to do
in quirky small towns all across America.
You're watching the season premiere of Mind Quad!
Sign on to mindquad.org to get the scoop
on Johnny's new pal, the differently-abled
Jimmy Boom Box.
-- sync, corrected by elderman --