This is Cap...
Dylan Fox, the Australian Defence Force.
We've been captured by rebels... [screams]
freedom fighters.
[sobs quietly]
I'm sorry.
I made a mistake.
Dad.
Dad, listen.
I only ever wanted to make you proud,
even at the wedding.
Dad.
Who am I?
I'm Private Philip Wallace Choi,
soldier, man,
pilgrim.
My journey has brought...
Please send this tape to as many people as you can.
These are a good people.
They just want their own land.
They want to be self-determining.
Please. These people are gonna kill us.
You need to get us... Help! Help us!
[all screaming]
Hopes are fading tonight for four Australian soldiers
missing in the island nation of Behati-Prinsloo.
A distressing hostage tape went live last night...
a group known as...
Heavy hearts this morning, folks,
with the emergence of a terrifying hostage tape.
Um, honestly, I've never seen anything quite like this.
[newsreader] ...Behati-Prinsloo...
with Australian PM Warren Whistle
echoing American Secretary of State, Alaska Adams,
in denying involvement in the region.
Emerging sketchy information from...
What we're trying to do is confirm.
Although the Australian government has vehemently denied
a military presence in the region,
the emergence of a hostage tape
on an unverified YouTube account
has brought into question the legitimacy of Australia's claims.
Warning. Some viewers may find the following material distressing.
- [static crackle] - These people are going to kill us.
You need to get us... Help! Help us!
[all screaming]
Stop!
[whimpering]
[Rowdy groans]
Have we got it? Did that look real?
It was spectacular!
[all] Yeah!
We owe a sacred debt...
when so many lives are compromised.
Did you know that in conventionally-packaged ground beef,
there is a blend of a hundred to a thousand cows?
It's the equivalent of a battalion of men on the front line.
- No - Wow.
So one way I try to honour that
is by sweetening up the beef blend a bit
- with a secret ingredient... - Mm.
That is...
- banana. Just a smidge. - [Karl] Get out!
That is incredible.
What about this diced tomato that you put in there?
No, not diced tomato.
No, no, no. This is salsa.
Uh-oh!
He said it.
"He said it." Salsa?
[cheering]
[Karl] Yeah! Haha baby!
["Macarena" playing]
[all cheer and laugh]
♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪
♪ Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegría y cosa buena ♪
♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪
♪ Hey Macarena, ay ♪
♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪
♪ Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegría y cosa buena ♪
♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena ♪
♪ Hey Macarena, ay ♪
[music continues]
♪ Hey Macarena, ay ♪
[music stops]
[muted TV]
Fighting a war isn't what it used to be, son.
You've requested a discharge to see your...
your daughter.
How's she doing?
- She's a fighter. - Like her father.
What if I had a way to get you home to your daughter and...
make you a hero?
I'd be all ears.
A highly sensitive, Black Ops, covert operation.
We'd be sending you into the conflict zone of Behati-Prinsloo.
[fanfare music]
I thought Australians were staying out of the conflict, sir.
That's right.
We are.
You'd need a team of experts, of course.
Well, the same crack team that picked you up from the airport
in Cairns last year, perhaps?
Oh, that's right, yeah.
For the golf weekend with Greg Norman.
The Shark. Yeah.
Yes.
You need an Asian comms expert.
Philip Choi.
[marching drums]
And a covert recon expert,
your captain?
Dylan Fox.
No.
So Captain... "Cap" is short for Copernicus.
It's his middle name.
He thinks it means "Captain"...
[clears throat] Him.
Yeah. Yeah, he'll be there.
[marching drums]
Yes.
It doesn't hurt to have a bit of muscle and charm.
Albhanis Mouawad.
[marching drums]
Ooh, yes.
Will there be medals, sir?
No this is a secret operation, son.
There'll be no ticker-tape parade.
But I will clean up all of this
and get you home to your daughter,
a hero.
[dramatic music]
I'm in.
[Bishop] We'll be dropping you in on the north side of the island
where a van will be waiting for you.
You'll take the van through rebel-controlled rainforest
to the Royal Palace.
The princess has obtained secret files
that could bring our country to its knees.
You'll need to infiltrate the royal compound,
access her mobile device,
and delete the file.
And Mr. Gaines, if you get caught,
we'll disavow any knowledge of your actions.
Get your team ready, son.
Wheels up in two hours.
["Rivalry" playing]
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Rivalry ♪
All right, boys.
Let's roll.
What are you doing with that?
- What? - The...
Green berets. Let's roll.
It's a black...
[intense music playing]
[Phil] Hold, Platypus.
Got alphas coming out of the boathouse on your three.
[Phil] Okay. The coast is clear.
Pop up...
now
All right, boys.
She's in the bathroom,
heading for the toilet.
Yes. Surrender.
Surrender to the urge.
She's sitting down.
She's on the shitter. You've got three minutes.
- Whoa! - [water trickling]
I thought you said she was shitting!
She is.
Then why did she just flush?
Oh, God!
Must have been a wee.
Should have known. She didn’t take her phone.
- Oh. - What are you doing?
- Be a tree. - That's not gonna work!
I'm sure she was shitting.
She was reading the shampoo!
[Depinder singing] ♪ Behati ♪
[singing in foreign language]
[bell rings]
What is that?
[gasps]
Albhanis is intercepting the cherry at the door.
Get it done, boys.
- [Depinder continues singing] - [Phil] Roll on alert five.
[door opens, closes]
[intense music]
♪ Behati ♪
Can I help you?
[80s music plays]
Chiffon?
[Depinder] It is.
Silk.
I see you.
[gasps softly]
Albhanis, you beautiful bastard.
Bird in the hand. That’s a go, Phil.
Time to do your thing.
Visualise and execute.
[intense music plays]
- [phone notification beeps] - We're in.
[chuckles] Okay! Open photos to July 20.
[smooth 80's music]
I should go.
Oh.
Hey?
What have you come here for?
- [Albhanis sighs] - Did you need something?
No.
Did you?
[Phil] I'm not seeing anything, Rowdy.
You'll have to do it at your end.
Uh, what the fuck!
Keep... Keep a...
[breathing heavily]
[Phil] No access.
Get into position, boys.
She's coming back. Get out of there!
[Phil] Run boys. Run!
[upbeat music plays]
[grunts]
Uh-oh.
Little action up ahead.
Oh, shit!
Morning, ladies.
Who're you babysitting this time?
- [Rowdy mumbles] Fuck. Americans. - Fucking Americans.
What are you boys doing here?
I didn't think there were any Australians in the Behati-Prinsloo.
There aren't!
Colonel wanted to play golf with the Shark again, did he?
[mimics] No, "the Colonel didn't want to play golf with the Shark again, did he?"
No, there's no sharks. We're on a secret mission and shit.
- Jay! Shut the fuck up! - [chuckling]
Handing out waters and paper towels?
Mate, your ego is getting in the way of your perception.
We really are on a secret mission.
Hey! Shut the... Drop it with the secret mission stuff.
What about you two then, huh?
What are you doing, handing out arms to the rebels?
- Just doing what we do best. - Oh, yeah? What's that?
Losing wars. [spluttering]
- Come on, let’s go. - [Albhanis] That’s so cool.
Up yours and go.
Yeah, you burn off after that, mate.
You didn’t get involved either, by the way.
[dramatic music]
Was the helicopter entirely necessary, Minister?
What you'll learn working for me, Jemima, the Minister of Defence,
is that a military arrival is entirely appropriate.
We don't need to worry about the budgets, sir?
We need to worry about protecting Australian lives at all costs,
whatever the cost.
Try to look like you're talking about something important.
We are talking about something important, sir.
Yes, but you don't look like we are.
I thought we should be discreet, sir.
No, no, no, no.
Just take out your notebook and ask me about the schedule.
[Jemima] Um...
The princess of Behati-Prinsloo, sir.
- What about her? - Uh...
I don't know, sir.
I'm just saying what's written down?
Don't you worry about the princess, Jemima.
She'll call back.
[Jemima] Uh, sir?
You haven't authorised the extraction yet, sir.
Extraction?
The boys in Behati-Prinsloo, sir.
We don't have any boys in Behati-Prinsloo.
That's our deal with the Royal Family.
You know that.
You're just gonna leave them there, sir?
Who?
[Jemima] The boys.
What boys?
[dramatic music]
Can the cunts even see us?
Isn't this rebel-controlled rainforest?
The helo was supposed to be here 15 minutes ago.
You sure we're in the right spot?
Yup, we're exactly where he wanted us to be.
[Phil] Hey, what was the picture of, Rowdy?
Hmm?
Picture we deleted. Didn't come up on my screen.
What was it of?
Oh, it was a...
It was a picture...
of...
coordinates...
- [amazed gasp] - Yeah.
To a...
- nuclear device. - Whoa!
- Sick! - Holy shit!
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Without us, a whole city... Boom!
- Thousands of dead dickheads. - Yeah, well, probably more.
- Billions! - Yeah, well... Not... No.
You think we'll get medals?
It was a secret mission, Albhanis.
- Anonymity. - Exactly. Yep.
But on the bright side,
we do get to return home to our families as heroes.
"Dad, what'd you do today?"
"'Cause I stopped a nuke without weapons."
[chortles]
Heroes.
We are exactly where we're meant to be, boys.
[thud]
Daddy?
[Bishop] Fighting a war isn't what it used to be, son.
Daddy?
[American] Fighting a war isn't what it used to be, son.
Daddy?
Americans.
[spits]
Americans?
No, no, we're not... We're not American.
Not Americans?
- [laughing] - No fucking way we're Americans.
We're Australian.
Like... Like Crocodile Dundee.
Yeah. Or Cate Blanchett.
Steve Irwin.
- Bindi Irwin. - Yeah, yeah.
Mel Gibson.
- Yeah, early Mel Gibson. - Early Mel Gibson.
You wanted to prove the Americans are here.
[Rowdy] Well, now, hang on. What if...
What if you could prove the Americans are here?
Yeah, the Americans were, like, over there, like, two seconds ago.
[whispers] Killing Australians could be a public relations disaster for us.
Everybody loves Australians.
Why?
Nobody knows why.
They're fools, idiots.
They think everything is a... joke.
What if there was a way that this could work out for all of us?
What if we tell you where the Americans are,
and you don't kill us?
[groans]
Oh! What the fuck, Albhanis!
Rowdy, move forward.
[Dylan] That is an order, Lieutenant Gaines. Move forward.
Stop yelling at me! He hit me in the face with it!
You're flailing around, Rowdy. It's undignified.
Eurgh! I think my tongue touched your balls!
Why are your balls all smooth?
- [gun cocks] - Wait, wait, wait, wait!
You don't want to kill us!
No. No, we're your hostages.
You could ransom us.
We’re worth a lot. You could make hostage videos.
- Oh, yes. Sick! - Yeah. See?
People love those.
If they are well made, people really like them.
- [Rowdy] Yeah! Just give us one chance. - [Mamalo] Wait.
I have an idea. [dramatic sting]
These are not bad people.
They just want their own land.
They want to be...
self-determining. Please, these people are going to kill us.
You need to get us out! They're gonna to kill us!
[Phil] No! No!
Stop! Stop!
[men crying]
[Rowdy grunts]
Have we got it? Did that look real?
It was spectacular!
Yeah!
[all cheering]
[singing] We nailed it. We nailed it!
Bet you're happy you listened to me now, Mamalo, eh?
Mamalo, are you crying?
It does kind of look like you’re crying. I think we got you!
I'm not crying.
You're crying.
Shammi! [chuckles shyly]
Did you believe us?
Yeah. You bought it, right?
It was so good, I nearly shot you for real.
Yes!
[cheering]
[Rowdy] That felt good. That was so good.
You liked that?
[goofing around]
That was awesome!
[Albhanis] I think I could have done a little bit better, but...
Don't worry about that. No one's going to notice.
Cap's tears are gonna steal the show.
They were real tears.
- I really felt it. - Yeah, amazing.
I hope it doesn't go too big.
No, no, no! We want that tape to go viral.
This... This, right here,
this is how we change our lives.
[men cackling around]
[Lieutenant Pete] What the hell are you guys talking about?
[dramatic sting]
Oh, hey, what's up with you guys?
Fuckers came out of nowhere.
We were quiet...
as a mouse.
Squeak, squeak.
It's like they knew we were there.
Yeah, it was the same for us, actually.
Right? It was the same.
Although, you know what? They do seem pretty smart, so.
- Yeah, I think Shammi's really smart. - Yeah, no, she is.
It might have just been one of those things
Whatever, fuckheads. We know it's your fault.
Wasn't our fault. It was your fault.
You idiots on your secret mission stood out like a sore thumb,
and you got us caught.
We didn't get you caught. If anything, you got us caught.
Whatever, assholes.
While you were in there being Quentin-fucking-Tarantino,
we were in here being Steve McQueen.
Who?
We dug a tunnel.
We're getting out of here.
And the truth is coming with us.
[footsteps approach]
- [Jemima] Give me all your money. - Oh, my God.
[Jemima] You little Hobbit.
Jemima, where is the car?
- [Jemima] I parked out back. - Why?
Plausible deniability.
Oh! Not this again.
[Jemima] Anonymity is essential.
[Josie] No, it's not.
Can you please play along?
This is the only fun thing in my life.
All I do all day is make skinny lattes and take notes.
Please, Jose.
Mum does it.
Yeah? Well, that's awesome. Do it with Mum.
This could get your life back on track.
Do I look like someone whose life isn't on track?
How'd the podcast go tonight, Jose?
[Jose sighs]
[sighing]
Okay, fine.
I will peel the onion.
What is it?
It's a story. A secret.
And they're going to deny it.
They're going to say it's fake,
- but it's real. - Who's they?
The same people who stole your job from you.
You are a great journalist.
You are a great journalist, and they took it from you.
It's not fair.
You could shine a light on this, Jose.
I don't know if you've noticed,
but I can't shine light on anything anymore.
Exactly. This is perfect. No other journalists will touch this
because they have careers to protect, and you have nothing.
- Uff. - This...
This could give you everything back.
[Josie] What's this?
It's a tape.
They keep taking it down, but I recorded it on my phone.
Just watch it.
Could put you back on the map.
[plops]
Why are you doing that?
Cleaning the pipes before we roll out. Dickwad.
Victory.
Okay, this is it.
You guys ready?
I was born ready.
Who's ready to go home?
[upbeat exciting music]
We move.
Five metre spread, zero noise.
[Rowdy grunting]
Shh! Shh!
Hey Cap.
- What if we stay? - You fucking serious?
- Why are we staying? - [Dylan] We're not staying.
You clowns want to keep talking about your dance recital?
Or do you want to roll out?
[upbeat music]
Okay.
Stay low, move fast, and don't fuck this up.
- Don't you fuck it up. - We don't fuck up anything.
We're American.
Not sure that's true anymore.
Oh, yeah? When you call Australia, what numbers do you dial?
Plus six-one, bro.
Okay. When you call America, you dial one, motherfucker.
Eat shit.
[Phil] One is a powerful number.
Clear.
We can tell it's clear.
We don't need you to fucking tell us it's clear.
We're getting you guys out of here.
Oh, yeah? Maybe we're getting you out of here.
I don't think so. We're rescuing you.
No, we're rescuing you. Let's roll, boys.
God damn it!
Move out.
[rousing music]
- [indistinct voices] - Shh!
The only noise is you going ‘shhhh’.
- [alarm sounds] - Take cover.
[car starts and pulls away] [dogs bark]
[voices shout in the distance]
- Hey, - What?
What's he saying?
- What the fuck is that? - It's what?
- What are you doing? - What does that mean?
We'll cover you.
Oh, yeah? Okay.
All right, boys. Hey, listen.
When we get out of here, we have to say that we saved them.
- All right? - [Phil] Whatever, Rowdy.
- [Phil] Let's just go home. - [Rowdy] Guys, please.
It is important. Please.
[tense music] We can't be losers any more.
[car arriving]
[sighs] God damn it!
[foreboding music]
[foreboding music continues]
[Director Bustard] I've seen all of Planet Earth many times.
Maybe five.
Do you know what fascinates me the most?
How big it is?
No.
Episode one, season two.
Attenborough shows us the baby iguana,
fresh from its egg.
It is immediately attacked by hundreds of snakes.
It has no hope.
It is finished.
But miraculously, it gets away.
It scurries up the rock walls surrounding the ravine,
the snake snapping at its heels.
The iguana reaches the top of the ravine and finds another iguana.
Does the iguana say, "Don't go down there, whatever you do."
"There are hundreds of snakes who will kill you"?
No, he does not.
Does he go home and tell any of the other iguanas
to avoid that ravine at all costs?
No. Do you know why?
Maybe he doesn't speak English.
Because iguanas don't tell stories.
For many years, I have told people about these snakes that come to this country,
but nobody listens.
We're listening.
And we can make others listen, too.
The snakes don't tell the story.
They don't want anything to change.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, we're... we're not snakes, mate.
No, no, no. We're... We're iguanas, just like you.
Except we do speak English... very well.
We can tell your story.
[scoffs]
Well, we could give you the space to tell your story.
We could help you be heard, right?
And... and seen.
Always the white man.
The iguana doesn't need to be seen.
The iguana just needs to scream loud enough,
[screams] "Don't go down into that ravine."
Then no more iguanas will die.
Okay, but, uh...
What if the iguana only the...
No. Sorry, no. What if the snake... So that the... the...
- What is your point? - [Rowdy] Well, my... Okay.
My point is this.
That tape we made yesterday is going to be everywhere by tomorrow.
We're going to be famous.
Use us. Huh?
Make another tape with all the focus that's going to be on us.
You could convince anyone of anything.
[John] He's right.
My cousin, fat fucker,
did a Ding Dong commercial when we were 13.
Kid tagged more pussy than Elvis.
[chuckles softly]
What?
Even one of the teachers sucked his dick.
Ooh.
You were trying to escape.
We are just trying to survive, mate.
Just like you.
But killing us gets you nothing.
If you want to grow your rebellion...
- Your freedom fight? - Hmm.
If you want to grow your freedom fight,
then shine a light on us
and we will make this movement of yours a fucking household name.
You're right.
- Heh. - What you say is true.
- I'm in. - [sighs in relief]
Mamalo, roll the camera.
Shammi, shine a light.
A message for the snakes.
Here is what happens if you come to my ravine.
[gunshot]
[high pitched ringing]
[Lieutenant Pete] Utah!
- [Bustard] How did that look? - [Lieutenant Pete] Atten-huh!
[Lieutenant Pete] Utah!
[Pete sings sadly] I'm taking you home.
["Take A Picture" playing]
♪ Awake on my airplane ♪
♪ My skin is bare ♪
♪ My skin is theirs ♪
♪ Awake on my airplane ♪
♪ My skin is bare ♪
♪ My skin is theirs ♪
♪ I feel like a newborn ♪
♪ Awake on my airplane ♪
♪ I feel so real ♪