'In Between Days' by The Cure
'Hello, I'm Alan Carr, and believe it or not,
'there was a time BEFORE I was a national treasure.'
Didn't the '80s drag?
Has anyone checked it actually was a decade?
Cos it felt a lot longer.
And don't get me started on the mid '80s -
when puberty came along, punched me in the face,
left me with the eyesight of a mole and the voice of an elderly lady.
Hi, Mrs Hudson.
'And they said I'd grow into the teeth.'
Oh, hello, Alan.
Is Charlie in? Er, he's not, I'm afraid, no.
Oh.
Well, did he mention the Murder She Wrote VHS I lent him?
If I find it, I'll drop it over.
Corned Beef And Carnage.
It's the one where the actual murderer...
..is Jessica Fletcher's own niece!
Good to know I won't need to watch it now. Bye!
Oh...
'Someone wants to get themselves a new mat.
'Now, unknown to me,
'this metamorphosis was fast turning me into a social pariah.
'For every pube I gained, I lost a friend!
'Ooh, how queer.'
Hmm.
Come on! Jesus bloody Christ, man, I've seen milk turn quicker!
The ball's up there! It's up there!
Give me strength!
Argh, you massive kno...!
'Here he is, Graham Carr, my dad -
shy, retiring wallflower of a man
'and manager of Fourth Division football club Northampton Town.'
..ob! What the...?
Right, yeah, well, I'll put you left-back, shall I?!
- Left back in the changing room! - Graham. Graham.
This just hit my Jag in the car park.
Oh, sorry about that, boss.
Alfie was taking a shot. But the goal's over there.
And that, Mr Chairman, is why we are bottom of the league.
Get up the wing, you moron!
Well, if you cut your hair,
you might stand a better chance of seeing something!
Oh! Oh!
Ooh!
You won't believe this, but I often get branded as "camp".
I know! But look at this lot, right under me dad's nose.
'Lick It Up' by Kiss
Big hair...
hooped earrings...
..bum patting at every opportunity.
More bum patting.
And then they'd all strip off and get in a big bath together!
- Oh, pass the soap, Kev. - Way-hey!
To think my dad got his knickers in a twist cos I liked country dancing.
'With my best friend Charlie nowhere to be seen,
'me and my brother Gary abandoned our surveillance
'and turned to my favourite pastime -
'bird-watching.'
GARY: Is that a canary?
No. It's an empty bag of Quavers.
'Here's my mum, Christine.
'Team Alan through and through and the wind beneath my wings.'
All right, Bill Oddie. You seen anything interesting?
Yes, I have.
Charlie! Charlie!
Charlie.
Hi, Alan. Charlie, inside now.
It's the summer holidays!
You can't keep him locked up, vinegar tits!
Here, what's going on?
Oh, he tripped!
Alan, in the house.
Oh, look, it's mother of the year
I beg your pardon?
You keep burying your head in the sand, Chris.
Your precious Alan's polluting my Charlie's mind.
The more he hangs about with him,
the more he starts acting like a girl.
My Alan?!
Oh, please. Now I've heard everything.
A car backfired in the high street the other day,
he threw himself to the ground.
Well, that's not girly.
It is if you incorporate a forward roll
and a cartwheel to finish. What are you saying?
It's not natural.
There's a couple of them on EastEnders now, an' all.
Now, my Nigel's open-minded in the bedroom
but we don't wanna see that at meal times.
We've switched to Emmerdale Farm.
Oh, come on. What're you doing?
Why is she doing the Locomotion?
Is it Charlie?
'Enola Gay' by OMD
No, it's his dad!
Oi, Christine, what's going on?
Alan's peeping on me. What?!
Oh, why am I not surprised?
He's over there with binoculars. He's grinning at me!
He's not grinning, that's just his teeth!
You wanna sort that boy of yours out, Chris.
There's something not right there. Not right AT ALL.
What d'you mean?
We reckon he's a bit... How should we say?
..half rice, half chips.
He's full chips. With gravy.
And we don't want Charlie going anywhere near him.
Cow!
Alan?
Don't you listen to a word that fantasist says about ya.
Look at the grass stains on the back. DO NOT wash it out.
0800-11... Who are you phoning?
Childline.
Esther'll have a field day with this.
She'll have this down the lab before you can say, "That's Life!"
Right, that's enough. Now settle down, the two of you.
Your you dad doesn't want to be coming in to all of this fuss.
I've been assaulted!
Dad! Dad! Dad! She is an absolute bitch.
Mrs Hudson pushed me over, and now my jeans are ruined.
- Look at the grass stain on my back! - Whoa, whoa, whoa...
Everyone, shut up! And it doesn't wash out.
It's been a bit of a day. What would you like for your tea?
Half rice, half chips? Huh?
'Ditched for being camp?
'I had no idea. I just thought I was bubbly and great fun to be with.
'And is it a crime to enjoy a cream tea?'
What is going on?
Adults are weird.
I mean, WHO does she think she is, commenting on my Alan?
Come at me, Ange, don't come at me kids.
Huh. Oh, I could smash her in the face with this casserole dish.
You think of these things after, don't ya?
Bye.
Charlie.
Charlie. Charlie. Charlie!
Charlie! Charlie, look... Wait, Charlie!
No, Charlie!
Charlie! Charlie!
Hey, come here. Don't blame yourself.
Oh, I'm not blaming meself, Graham. Oh, that's good.
I'm blaming you.
Charlie!
Stop following me, I don't need this.
Wh... What's going on? Go and play with someone else.
WE'RE having a kickabout.
Well, let me play, too. You're not interested in football.
I am so. We were down here with the ball last week!
What should I do?
Shout "push". No!
Everyone's looking. And mop me brow!
"Oh, nurse, I can see the head!
"Isn't he beautiful? Aw..."
Don't waste your time with him, Charlie.
Stick to bird-watching, you four-eyed freak.
Just to clarify - is that the glasses or the binoculars?
Oh, well, thanks for the clarification
Ah, unlucky. Nice shot, mate, nice shot.
'So he's a bit different.'
Everyone's a bit different. I'm a bit different.
Well, you can say that again.
Trouble is, he's got no proper role models.
Except Prince.
He is absolutely obsessed with Prince.
What? That Alsatian up the road?
The pop star!
The man on his bedroom wall, with the high heels and the lace.
That's a man?
Spend some time with him. Just do what dads do.
In case you've forgotten, I've got a game this weekend -
Peterborough. Ah, they're a tough outfit.
Their defence, Chris, is...
"The best in the league."
Here's an idea - why don't you take him for a kickabout?
Christine...
I know me son, and believe me,
the last thing he wants to be is a footballer.
Dad, I wanna be a footballer.
What?
There. Think about it.
Gary.
Ooh! Good lad, Gary.
Alan, again.
Ah!
Try and concentrate. Right?
Give me ten push-ups.
Oh, no, no, no. I'm out of puff.
Listen to me - you know what you need if you wanna be a footballer?
Mullet? Gambling addiction?
Rolled up copy of Razzle in your back pocket?
Stamina.
Right, go and touch the tree now.
The apple blossom or the willow?
Any tree.
'Whenever my mum was chuffin' on a John Player Special,
'it wasn't just her lungs that were working overtime,
'it was her brain.
'When she was plotting, she could polish off a whole pack
'before you can say "emphysema".
'She wasn't gonna stand back
'and watch one of her boys become an outcast.
'Oh, no.
'After all, being the wife of the manager of a team
'that's bottom of Division Four had to have some perks.'
Well done, Gary, you'll be in the next Olympics, come on.
Alan, keep up.
Alan, you're in a different time zone. Come on.
Please, can we stop?
I've got a stitch. I'm stewing!
Bloody hell. Where'd you get that?
The market.
Well, remind me to cut your pocket money.
Where's the stuff I gave you? Those good Adidas boots I got you?
I gave them to Oxfam.
Bob Geldof said Africa needed them.
What a bloody waste.
Well, not for the little boy playing keep-it-uppie in Kenya.
Keepie-uppie.
Keepie-uppie, keep-it-uppie!
Well, I can't keepie-uppie with this boring conversation.
I've got a good mind to down tools and have a Mars bar.
In the car. What?
'Kylie's Smiley Mix' by Kylie Minogue
Where...? Where are we going? In the car now!
Balls!
Yes, Saturday at the County Ground with my Alan.
Well, that's not very nice!
No, you have to actually go with Alan.
Yes, sit next to him.
Yes, you will be seen with him. Oh, forget it!
Yes, the glasses and the teeth, that's the one.
Oh, come on!
Oh, come on, Alan, what's taking so long?
These ain't made for me!
I'm a classic pear, always have been.
Come on, let's try this on.
Oh, Jesus...
Go on in, Charlie, son. Charlie?
Graham. Nigel.
Charlie!
I know it's you.
I knew it.
So, what you in for, then?
Well, you know, getting Alan some new kit.
You know what he's like. Yeah, I do.
What's that supposed to mean?
Go away. I'm not allowed to talk to you.
But I'm a footballer now!
I'm getting boots, shin pads... the whole caboodle.
I'm gonna be like Pelay!
Pele. Yeah, that's the fella.
Oh, come on. Spit it out, Nigel.
Look... as long as he's playing on a pitch...
not playing peeping Tom with me when I'm in the shower, I'm happy. Right.
What are you talking about "peeping Tom"?!
He'll kill me if he sees me talking to you.
Is it cos he thinks I don't like football? Cos I do.
No, you don't.
Look, he was staring straight at me.
He was making my skin crawl, Graham. Right, that's it. Outside now.
- Dad. - Go back to your own side.
Oh, hello. Look! He's at it again!
I best be off.
Right, come on, Charlie, we're going. Come on.
Leave the shirt.
That was bloody embarrassing.
You're not even interested in playing, are you, Alan?
I am. Oh, you could have bloody fooled me.
Will Charlie be at the match on Saturday?
Forget about Charlie. I'm only asking!
I'm not exactly Mr Popular at the moment.
I just want my friend back.
It's normal to want to see your friend.
I don't think you know what normal is, Alan.
'Hey, snowflakes, this was therapy, '80s style.'
Oh. Who're all these new faces?
That's Peter Shilton, that's Glenn Hoddle,
and that's Bruce Grobbelaar.
Wow.
Right, come on, into bed.
Mum... can I ask you something?
Yeah, of course you can.
Am I normal?
What d'you mean? Well, Dad said I'm not normal.
What's normal, and what's not normal?
Sam down the road. She ain't normal.
She's all right.
She dyed her guinea pig black!
Alan... you're fine.
But then why won't people play with me?
And why does Angela say those horrible things?
Because she's a cow.
Look, Alan...
I think you're perfect just the way you are.
And don't let anybody tell you any different. Ever.
Do you hear me?
Come here. Mm.
Good night.
Oh, you've got an empty space.
Yeah, I took Prince down. Dad said he wasn't a real man.
Who's gonna go up instead?
George Michael!
'This was the '80s. Don't pretend you knew.'
Good night, Alan. Night.
Chronicle and Echo!
It's Derby Day. Chronicle and Echo! Chronicle and Echo!
'Derby Day in Northampton. The atmosphere was electric.
'The town was abuzz.
'A sea of beaming faces, kaleidoscopic colours.
'It could have been mistaken for Rio Carnival.
'If Rio Carnival had been through a boil wash.'
Whew! It smells like a brothel in here.
How would you know, boss?
I was there last night with your mum.
Right, listen up.
You have the whole town watching you.
You've got it in you to be up there with the best of 'em.
I want you to go up there and do me and Northampton proud!
And if you've got as much energy in you as Alfie's mum does,
well, then we'll be celebrating tonight!
Hey, fellas!
This is Joey. He's gonna be leading the team out.
Hello, Joey, nice to meet you.
Let me introduce you.
This is Vince.
He's the one who lets all the goals in.
This is Alfie.
His nickname is Dracula,
because he's scared of crosses. Funny.
And this is Banjo.
Ah, put some pants on, Banjo, for God's sake.
Boss, wife's here.
What's wrong?
Oh, that's nice. We've come to see you.
Oh.
Oh, thanks, darling.
Looking good in all of his gear, isn't he?
Yeah.
What time's curtain up? Kick-off. Kick-off.
Graham.
Grace, boys. All right, Ron?
Sorry to interrupt. Spot of bother.
Take a deep breath.
What the...? He slipped on the wet floor.
He's done his ankle in.
Who's gonna lead the team out?
I'll do it.
Well, we could always see if... No. I'll do it.
I'll lead the team out.
'I didn't know what had come over me.
'But in that moment,
'I knew that if I could step onto that pitch for everyone to see,
'I'd show Charlie, my dad and everyone
'that I was a footballer. A real lad.
'That I was, in fact, normal.'
I know all the chants. Hey.
Graham Carr's claret and white army!
He's fat, he's round, his feet don't touch the ground.
Graham Carr, Graham Carr! OK.
He's fat, he's round, his feet don't touch the ground.
Graham Carr, Graham Carr!
He's fat, he's round, his feet don't touch the ground
Graham Carr, Graham Carr!
Up the Cobblers!
How bad is that lad's leg?
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the County Ground.
It's show time, my ducks.
Alan.
When you get out there and they have their little kickabout...
Yeah. ..stay away from the ball.
What? Stay away from the ball.
Why?
Because you're not good.
Huh! Do not go near the ball.
Do not kick it. Do not head it.
Do not pass it.
What about a drop stitch?
It's a drop kick, and that's rugby.
Yeah.
Don't embarrass me, yeah?
Right!
Come on! Come on!
Come on!
Time for the kick-off, boys, come on.
Oh, here he is, here's Dad.
Give a big County Ground cheer
for the one and only,
the boys from the old home team,
it's the Cobblers, my duck!
Cobblers! Yeah!
Alan!
'Blue Monday' by New Order
Are you ready, Alan? No, no!
Don't do it. Keep it away from him.
No, no. No.
No.
Alan, come on.
To Jimbo, Jimbo.
Alfie! Keep it away from him.
What's he doing?
He's making an absolute tit of himself, that's what he's doing.
No, no, no.
No, no.
Come on, Banj. No, Banjo, no.
Come on, Alan. Banjo!
Come on, Alan. No, no.
No, no, no!
Get him off that pitch. No!
No!
'What was this?
'It was like Lady Luck had passed me the ball herself.
No, don't do that.
Don't you dare.
'All I needed was to kick the ball
'in the back of the net
'to get a goal...
'I think.'
..nothing to do with him, OK?
Don't laugh!
You missed, mate!
Was it Gary Lineker who said,
"If you can't hit the back of the net,
"hit a bigot in the face?"
Right, get him off that pitch now.
'Running In The Family' by Level 42
♪ It runs in the family
♪ All the things we are
♪ On the back-seat of the car
♪ With Joseph and Emily
♪ We only see so far
♪ And we all have our daddy's eyes
♪ Looking back it's so bizarre
♪ It runs in the family
♪ All the things we are
♪ Looking back it's so bizarre... ♪
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