Mum! Can I get 20p for an ice cream?
No! You've had enough crap already.
In her handbag!
Mum, have you seen my trainers?
Mum, where's my trainers?!
I don't know!
♪ They don't understand... ♪
Wait! No! Come back!
No, wait! No, please! Come back!
Come back! Is that Graham Carr's boy?
It is.
No! Come back!
Come on, Alan. Come into the light.
It was the first day of big school,
and I couldn't wait to catch up with me old friends.
Let... me... at 'em!
D'you think you need those earmuffs?
The lollipop lady always compliments me on them.
Well, maybe she should keep her eyes on the road,
rather than your fashion choices.
Give 'em here. I'll look after 'em till you get home from school.
Really? Oh, not Jessica!
You're at big school now.
Come on, let's have a photo.
Say cheese!
Smile!
Yeah, not so wide.
♪ Yeah, baby, she's got it... ♪
Action! That's beautiful.
Charlie's first day.
Come on, mate. Doesn't he look grown up?
That's my boy.
No, never mind about him.
Aww!
Mmm!
Get in the car, son.
Good luck, my darling.
He's going to school, not bloody Vietnam, Chris.
♪ Yeah, baby, she's got it
♪ Yeah, baby, she's got it. ♪
You all set? Yeah.
This is big lads' school.
Don't get distracted by girls.
There'll be plenty of time for that when you're older.
Get your head down, get those grades.
And if anyone gives you any grief, tell 'em who your dad is.
Mm.
Get out of my way!
'So, this was big school.
'This wasn't a playground -
'this was a petri dish,
'a breeding ground of filth and sleaze.
'The calm oasis of school had been drowned out by violence,
'mindless vandalism and indiscriminate littering.
'Despite well-placed signs saying "No Littering".
'If this was the future of my education,
'I was in a good mind to leave
'and live the rest of me life as an illiterate moron.'
Two open goals?
I just wanna punch someone, it makes me so angry!
The sooner they sack Graham Carr, the better.
His son's here. You what?
Just started. Alan Carr.
Aw, we could bog-wash him!
What's up with you?
'If they found out my dad was Graham Carr,
'I would be dead.
'Well, that's if this gobstopper didn't kill me first.'
Oh, Lord! I thought I was a goner.
What's your name?
Er... 'I had to think quick.
'Anything but Alan!'
Aaron. No, Aran.
Aran? Or Aaron?
Depends what mood I'm in.
Erm, what's your name?
Mandy.
Got a problem with that? It's a boy's name as well, you know.
Leslie. Les!
All right.
'Mandy and Leslie.
'Sounds like that lovely lesbian couple
'you always make friends with on an all-inclusive.'
But what is it? Aran or Aaron?
Aaron. Like the cupboard! Airin' cupboard.
Oh, i-is that the bell I hear? Bye-bye!
Who's this kid?
Oh, this drilling!
Ohh! Then down here. Heavy night last night, Gaffer?
D'you want one of Jimbo's lagers to calm your nerves?
Give me it here.
Where's the bin?
This whole place is a bin.
Oh, Graham.
Bit early to start drinking, innit?
Oh, believe me, it's tempting.
Paddy, can I have a word?
What the bloody hell's going on?
We've had to dig up the drains up.
Fans keep putting pies down the toilet.
Well, I don't blame 'em. They're disgusting.
But they keep bobbing back up, they do. They won't flush.
It's like bash the rat.
You know, one goes down, up comes another one.
I don't know what Eric puts in the pastry.
Well, he's gonna have to change his recipe.
He ain't got time. He's just opened a restaurant in town.
With his track record? That man should not be allowed
within two miles of a deep-fat fryer.
Oh, come on, Graham. Eric's a good egg.
In fact, he'd like you and the fellas
to go down to his new restaurant.
Oh, c'mon, let's help him out. Ron, the team's gotta come first.
Yeah, and besides, there's always a catch with you.
Before I know it, I'm gonna be stood there,
grinning like a chimp,
cutting a bloody ribbon or something.
Eric's been very good to us.
If there's any way we can repay that support,
it would be much appreciated.
I'll think about it.
Ron?
A pastry's just floated up in the disabled toilet.
Fantastic
I didn't know we had a disabled toilet. Coming!
Alan!
Charlie, listen... What d'you want?
You know my dad doesn't really like me hanging around with you.
Yeah, but this is a nightmare. What?
No-one must know who my father is.
All right, Luke Skywalker.
The way this is going, every time the Cobblers lose,
I'm gonna get a bog-wash.
They're gonna be dunking me like a Hobnob!
Calm down. You don't want your psoriasis flaring up again.
I'm sorry, Charlie.
I just find it all so overwhelming.
The corridors...
the strip lighting...
that girl's satchel.
What... Urgh!
Oi!
What are you doing?
What d'you think YOU'RE doing, biting my friend's face?
Alan, this is my girlfriend, Maz.
Your what? When did you get a girlfriend?
We've been dating for a while now.
Haven't we? Yeah, since biology this morning.
Charlie, what's happened to your hair?
It's called wet-look gel. All the boys are wearing it now.
Well, almost all.
Don't you have a girlfriend, Alan?
Yeah. Do you?
Yeah. I've been in a relationship for quite some time now.
Who with? Well, to cut a long story short...
I was walking past a department store late one night,
and I saw this girl in the shop window,
stunningly beautiful and made of plastic.
All of a sudden, she came alive,
and we ended up riding on the back of my motorbike.
Are you just telling us the plotline of Mannequin?
I am, yeah.
OK, Charlie. Let's go.
Flump?
You look more and more like a man every day.
Can I help you, Ange? I'm very busy.
What do you think?
I was passing C&A, and it basically screamed, "Buy me!"
It's mohair.
All the rage at the moment.
So are the Muppets, but it doesn't mean you've got to dress like one.
I was thinking of wearing it to Nigel's tae kwon do semi-final.
Let's just say I've been thrown against the mat
at the community centre a few times.
Socially, I'm so busy,
my cork wedges don't touch the ground.
Speaking of being light on your feet, how's Alan?
He's fine. Is he?
Bet he was dreading his first day, what with him being so... sensitive.
Don't you start on my Alan again, Ange.
He'll manage just fine at big school.
Swapping Panini stickers with the cool kids,
fighting over the pretty girls. In fact,
I bet he's already in with the in crowd.
Tell that to your Terry!
And Pam, let me know how you get on with the smear test.
Well, can't stand here gassing.
See you later, ladies.
Oi, what you talking to them for?
Oh, Val's gone through hell.
She's got a son on anti-depressants,
and her husband's up to his eyeballs in catalogue debt.
Bye-bye!
Oi, whatever you're called, sit down.
'Pam might be up in stirrups,
'but I was about to be put on the rack.'
You a Cobblers fan?
Well... aren't we all?
What d'you think of Carr?
Well...
You hear a lot of chat, don't you?
A lot of chat.
Like, well, some people say he's good.
Some people say he's dad... he's bad!
But at the end of the day... it's a game of two halves.
And, hey, boys...
what a beautiful game it is.
We've got PE tomorrow, by the way. Yeah!
Oh, yeah! PE!
My brother who's in sixth form says
the second shower to the left has two peep holes
where you can see the girls getting changed! Oi, oi!
Back up a bit, boys.
Shower? What shower?
Shower after PE, Aran. You get muddy, you have to wash.
Take my clothes off and wash at school?
Not scared, are you?
Worried about getting your winkie out?
Well, my winkie will be behind the curtain.
There's no curtains, mate. They're communal.
Jesus, not again.
A taxi, Nigel? For me?
But we're only going for a Chinese!
Silly cow.
Nigel's taking Ange out again, Graham.
Oh. I wonder which lay-by they're frequenting tonight.
We should have a night out together.
Come on, take me down The Bull.
The Bull? You don't wanna go down there, love.
Punch-up every night, men swearing like sailors.
And the women are dog-rough an' all.
You'll have nothing in common with 'em.
I'm looking for a Cinzano and packet of nuts, Graham,
not a kidney donor.
Alan, your tea's on the table!
Last time I had a pair of bloody heels on,
it was the miners' strike. Alan!
Oh, what's the matter?
I'm not really hungry.
Aw, you all right?
I don't feel good.
My stomach's churning. I feel sick.
I'm not sure I'll be able to do PE tomorrow.
Oh, darling!
It's all the excitement after your first day,
meeting all those new friends.
Go and lie on the sofa. I'll pop your dinner under a bit of cling.
Poor baby.
'Our new shower gel makes every shower the best shower.'
'What I love about the new Powersplash?
'It's the shower hose. It just gets in all those hard-to-reach places.'
'A little bit brighter and drier. Just one or two showers around.
'Then, eventually, later on, quite a few showers.
'It's beginning to turn showery now, the afternoon ending up very wet.
'And then tomorrow, sunshine and showers.
'Showers. Showers. Showers...'
Oh, God!
You all right, Alan? Why don't you go have a nice hot bath?
Bugger that. Using all my hot water? Have a shower.
Shut up!
Oh, who's rattled his cage? Gary, eat up.
'So, here was my plan.
'Keep my private parts and my dad's identity under wraps.'
Here's fine! Here's fine!
Here's fine!
So, PE today, eh?
Mm, yeah.
I know you had a whale of a time yesterday.
Just when you thought it couldn't get any better, it does.
Ha. Everything this family has...
is down to sport.
Yeah, I was a footballer, your grandad was a footballer.
You see what I'm trying to say to you, Alan?
I'm adopted?
Dad, I won't let you down.
There's so much sugar in it.
Thank you, taxi driver. Oi!
Forgot something?
Thank you, driver. Bye-bye.
Who was that?
Dunno.
What you doing here?
My mum's gonna kill me.
We've been caught shoplifting wet-look gel.
Oh. And I'm gonna miss PE.
Miss PE? Keep talking.
Alan, you're such a wuss.
"Wuss"? Excuse me, lady.
I've got to run around a field in sub-zero temperatures
and then shower in front of 20 boys.
Basically, that makes me a marine.
Please, Alan. You've got to help me.
And you'll be my friend?
I'll be your friend.
OK. Give me some gel.
I've just had an angry phone call from the manager of the Arndale.
Some wet-look styling gel has disappeared off the shelves.
Care to explain?
What can I say, Mr Robertson?
It's the '80s.
I'm a fiend for the wet look.
I just looked in the mirror one day
and thought, "D'you know what? I'm sick of being dry."
So they had nothing to do with it?
You acted entirely alone?
Mm, yeah. That's me.
You should just lock me up and throw away the key.
Along with my gym kit.
Mm...
Something doesn't stack up here.
What did you say your name was?
Alan.
Alan?
You're not...
You are! You're Alan Carr!
You're Graham Carr's lad, aren't you?
I heard you were joining us this year.
Guilty!
Like the theft of the wet-look gel.
I guess I'll be getting my things and heading off home.
Ah, ah, wait a minute.
Let me go home and think about
some of the poor life choices that I've made.
And have the wrath of the mighty Graham Carr to deal with?
No chance.
I have the honour of seeing your dad every Saturday
from the Hotel End. Pfft!
I'm not messing with him.
So you're not sending me home?
I could steal again! It's a disease!
No. Just, er...
Think of it as a kind of... thank you to your dad. Hm?
Come.
Ron, er, about Eric's restaurant on Saturday.
Count me in. Er, I'll bring Chris and the boys.
Of course.
Eric's gonna be over the moon. But...
I don't want a big fuss around it.
Mm. Understood.
One of Eric's?
Mm.
Mr Robertson, please don't tell anyone who my dad is.
Kids can be so jealous!
Now go and enjoy PE.
Thanks, Alan. That went so well.
Didn't it just.
D'you know what, I might have to start being nicer to you.
Aw, thanks, Maz.
In the meantime, you enjoy that shower.
Right, come on. It's PE.
You go on. I'll catch up.
Right, come on. Sooner we get this done,
the sooner we can get home. I say home...
A bedsit above a charity shop with mould the colour of a...
Sir! Sir, you won't believe it, but my kit's gone missing.
Might have been stolen, actually. Now, all right. Sit down, lad.
Oh, I was looking forward to it an' all.
There was me thinking I'd be out there kicking a ball.
Now I'm just kicking myself.
Don't talk to me about regret.
Ever seen a woman in a bar and thought she could be the one,
and then, two years later,
she's taking you for everything you've got?
'Mr Chapman. Two minutes in his company
'was enough to make anyone run and jump...
'off a cliff.' Erm...
Fill your boots.
Oh...!
Please don't tell me that's egg.
Right! Cross country run.
Two miles across the playing fields,
then turn right at my ex-wife's house.
Was MY house that I paid for,
but because I have "commitment issues",
it's now me ex-wife and Geoff's.
Is he all right?
So, here's my plan.
Dodge the mud, dodge the shower.
Quick strip-wash in the sink,
and my dry arse is out of those communal showers
before you can say...
"I can see your winkie!"
Go!
Get a move on!
Oh, God, I miss her.
All right, final push.
'Well, that worked out well'
OK, ladies, let's hit the showers.
Hey!
Keep it down!
You, showers.
Me?
'The game was up. I had no more cards to play.'
'Ere, where's your shower cap? Anyone got a spare shower cap?
Shut your face, you!
Hey, lost property. What's your name?
Alan.
Alan what?
Just that'll do.
You know, like Cher, Prince, Tiffany.
Oh! We've got a comedian here, have we?
What's your surname?
Ca... Ca... Ca...
Spit it out!
Ca...
Oh, you've got to be joking! Typical.
Wish I'd heard the alarm bells when I was walking down that aisle, eh?
Right, make yourselves half decent, and everybody out.
'It was a miracle.
'Quite literally saved by the bell.'
Someone's smashed the fire alarm.
Let's go!
'And my mum's wish came true,
'as my dad finally took her out for a slap-up meal.'
Look, Dad, it's your name.
Wait till I see Ron. Well, this is the life!
'And before you lot get all snooty,
'getting a table at Eric's sit-down Wimpy on Abington Street
'was nothing short of a coup.'
Who'd have thought it, eh? I might treat myself to some chips.
Oops! I mean, fries!
Forgot I was at a diner.
Oh, cheer up, Graham. It beats sitting in the house.
Graham, Don from the Chron.
Photo of you cutting the ribbon? No.
Go on, Graham. Cut the ribbon.
Go on, cut the ribbon.
Go on. Cut the ribbon, cut it, cut it. Cut the ribbon.
Gimme the scissors. Get the kids in too.
Oh, what a good idea, Don. Right, Gary! Alan!
No, no.
I-I best not. Get here now.
Wait till Ange sees this.
After three, say "Wimpy"!
One, two, three!
Wimpy!
Oi, Aaron! Or should I say Alan?
Alan Carr!
Oh, I don't know what you're talking about.
The teeth? The glasses?
The hand on the hip?
It's nothing like me.
Alan? You left your kit in the car again.
Oh... Cobblers fans?
Here, I'll sign it for you.
What's your names?
Mandy and Leslie.
Lunchtime, you're dead!
There you go.
And that's when it dawned on me - d'you know what?
If I was gonna be dead by lunchtime,
I was gonna spend the last few hours on Earth...
as me.
'Edge Of Seventeen' by Stevie Nicks
♪ Nothin' else mattered
♪ Just like the white-winged dove
♪ Sings a song Sounds like she's singing
♪ Ooh, baby, ooh, said ooh
♪ Just like the white-winged dove
♪ Sings a song Sounds like she's singing
♪ Ooh, baby, ooh, said ooh
♪ The clouds never expect it When it rains
♪ But the sea changes colours
♪ But the sea does not change. ♪
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com