Alan!
What are you doing? You've been stuck up there ages!
'I know what you're thinking. I'm a lover not a fighter.
'So why the black eye?'
Alan. What you doing? What's the matter?
Oh, Alan. Come here. Oh, Graham...
'Now I know snitches get stitches, but sit back.
'Let me fill you in.'
'Oh, look, it's Alan Carr.
'Nowadays, when I hear that,
'it normally means a selfie or an autograph.'
That's not very nice.
'But back in the mid '80s, it was slightly more sinister.'
Look at these teeth, it looks exactly like him.
That melon doesn't even look like me.
But surely I can't be the only one getting constant abuse in this town.
Oh, yeah, there's me Dad.
You're rubbish!
All right, chill out. It's like being on Twitter!
You're rubbish, Carr! Substitute the lot of 'em!
Oh, Chris. Angela. Look at you in your pinny!
It's the exact same one my cleaner's got.
Oh, has she got a bad back?
Cos she's clearly not doing your skirting boards.
I haven't got all day, Chris.
I'm collecting for charity, you know, when you help others.
We're doing a bring and buy. Do you have any old clothes to donate?
I might have a few pieces. I've popped a few bits in myself.
Why not? People'll buy anything at these things, won't they?
There y'are.
It's Children In Need next week an' all, innit.
Speaking of, how is Alan?
He's fine, thanks for asking.
Is he? Enjoying secondary school?
My Charlie's got a girlfriend.
Oh. Has Alan got a lady in his life? Apart from that dinner lady.
He's just getting on with his studies, girlfriends can wait.
They can, but it might stop the bullies picking on him,
you know, if he started courting.
What?
Oh, sorry, I shouldn't have said anything.
What you talking about? What bullies?
It's just a bit of name calling. Well, what kind of names?
Bummer. Goofy.
Gappy. Goggle eyes.
Something about that annoying smile.
Yeah, all right. I think, if my Alan was being bullied, I'd know.
Mother's instinct.
I'm only saying something, Chris, because I myself was bullied...
Oh. ..for being beautiful.
My God. Fill your bag, please!
Fang face! What?
What they call Alan, about his teeth. I knew it'd come to me.
All right. Bye-bye, love.
Come.
That's a large polo. It's the O from The Cobblers sign.
Fell off.
Nearly took Banjo's leg off. Not his good leg?
He doesn't have a good leg. But he's our striker?
Exactly, Ron, exactly.
When are we sorting out this ground? It's falling to pieces.
The council have come back with their findings,
and I'm pleased to say, it's been commended.
With immediate effect, I might add.
"Condemned". Sorry?
It says "condemned".
Oh. Yes. Oh!
It's a bloody death trap.
Shh! Do not use those words.
Just lucky we're not at home this weekend,
last thing I need is an insurance claim on my hands.
We are at home this weekend, aren't we?
We are.
Oh, there he is, Graham Carr's son.
Fang face. Fang face. Oi, Fang Face.
Aw, look at that little face. Cobblers are crap!
Try not to let it get to you, Alan. I know it's hard.
My son, he got picked on at St Joseph's.
But d'you know what? It made him the man he is today.
Thanks, Val. How is your Peter?
Still in the bedsit, still on the methadone.
Meow!
Oh, I think I smell sardines under the table.
Meow. I think it's time for kitty to have a bath.
I'm going to lick myself clean, all over!
Who was this woman?
This fabulous flamboyant woman, who was so self-confident,
she could crawl on all fours and lick her bits in a busy canteen.
I needed to know her name.
Miss Gideon. Miss Gideon!
Miss Gideon is our new head of drama.
Are you an actress?
Guilty as charged. Have you ever been in Dynasty?
No. Murder She Wrote?
No, but I was in Agatha Christie's The Body In The Library.
Who was you again? The body.
Ooh.
Maybe you'll recognise me from this.
Get Rid Get Gone! The stain remover. We love that advert.
I'll never get this red wine out.
You will with Get Rid Get Gone.
♪ Get Rid Get Gone Where are the stains?
♪ They're all gone! ♪
Drama's for benders!
Thank you. Personally, I would've have liked a new science block.
But the governors seem to think
that you need to prance around in tights.
So Miss Gideon, in her wisdom,
is running an after-school drama club
for anyone who wants to tread the boards
and never, ever earn a living.
Today. Straight after the bell.
Ding-a ling-a ling. Ding-a ling-a ling.
Toodle-oo. Ding-a ling-a ling.
I don't know whether to sack her or spay her.
The sorry hats, the worn faces,
the pots of watered-down broth...
taking me back to my time in Les Mis.
'Is This Love?' by Alison Moyet
♪ Is this love? ♪
She's annoying. No, she's not.
She's amazing.
"She's amazing." "She's just perfect."
'Sensing her boy was in trouble,
'my mum decided to do her own homework.'
All right, love?
How was your day? How was Ron?
Oh, don't mention Ron to me. Where's the remote?
There's a piece on Look East about the ground.
Oh, that's nice. No, it's not nice.
It's not nice at all. It's awful.
'So, with the structure officially declared unsafe,
'and fans now having to settle for standing room only,
'it seems the curse of Graham Carr at Northampton Town
'could extend to the actual ground itself.'
You...
Are you all right?
I think Alan might be getting bullied.
Right. Who told you that?
Ange.
Ange, the fantasist?
The same woman who swore blind that she saw Elvis
at the 24-hour garage at the roundabout.
Well, I knew that was a lie, it shuts at six.
And I looked in his books, and he's written a poem about bullying.
Well, I suggest if he wants to stop being bullied,
giving up poetry's probably a good place to start.
Oh.
Oh, come on, Chris. He just need to toughen up a bit.
Fight fire with fire. Give 'em the old one-two.
Good head-butt. That'll put a stop to it.
But that's not Alan. And anyway, he's got glasses.
Unless I put 'em on a chain.
Oh.
Oh, I just don't want my boy getting hurt.
'And finally, a car-boot sale was thrown into turmoil today
'when a bouncy castle exploded.' Hm.
Oh!
'School had turned into a pressure cooker.
'I couldn't handle it. I didn't need this drama.
'And that's when I realised...'
Just a few more minutes, my darlings, and then we'll begin.
'..I needed drama.'
Hello, again. Can I help you?
I'd better go. Are you sure?
Would you like to come in and have a look?
Imagine the cat in front of you. You, you are the cat.
Right, now, move. That's it. Let's see your cat.
'Telegraph' by OMD
♪ I've got a telegraph in my hand
♪ Words on paper
♪ Written in sand... ♪
Lovely, lovely. Now we're going to have a think
about where our energy is, where do we keep it?
Elbows are in charge!
Five, six, seven, eight!
Chasse, chasse, a kick ball change, step.
Step. Turn. Use your voice. Use the rhythm.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
And this is how your voice sounds all the time, you say?
Hm. Fascinating.
Shh! How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood? This is so exciting. Oh, I know!
'Barking on all fours, pretending to be a conifer,
'this is how school was meant to be.'
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
What a fantastic first session.
Oh, I do hope you all enjoyed it.
So, next class,
we are going to perform a scene from Romeo and Juliet.
Your homework, find yourself a costume.
What's the matter? What are you looking at, Alan?
'A kick in the Capulets if these two had anything to do with it.'
There he is, my little soldier. Everything all right at school?
You'd tell me if it wasn't, wouldn't you?
Has anyone here got a spare tunic?
What?
And some tights wouldn't go amiss, as well.
What the hell are you talking about? Drama Club.
Jackie says that we... Who's Jackie?
Oh. Miss Gideon, but she says we can call her Jackie.
She's the one in the Get Rid Get Gone advert.
She spills a glass of red wine over her silk bedspread.
Clumsy cow, but to be fair to her, she gets it all out.
Oh, yeah, and you won't believe what went on behind the scenes
while they were filming it.
Jackie says the director couldn't direct wee into a bucket.
Oh, what was that jingle again?
♪ Where's all the stains? They're all gone! ♪
Oh, fancy you knowing a celebrity.
Yeah, she's gonna get us to do a scene from Romeo and Juliet.
Are you gonna be Romeo? Doesn't sound like a given.
Jackie says costume's a really important part
of helping get into character. Right, Alan.
You're making a rod for your own back, son.
Well, not this week, but come Easter, I might be.
I'm not having it. I'm not having it in my house.
A fair evening I bid thee, m'lord. Is Alan in chambers?
No.
Oh, watch your hair in the gravy! Oh, thank you.
I'm telling you, she's his girlfriend!
Look at the way he's touching her hair. Are you sure?
This can only be a good thing, Graham.
Alan, can you come in here, please?
Oh! Oh, what's that? Cologne.
It's gone in my mouth. I can taste it. Mum!
You want to smell nice for Kay, don't you?
Vienetta or Arctic Roll, Kay?
You shouldn't really be smoking Mrs Carr.
Oh, why's that?
We did a project at school about nicotine. It's highly addictive.
Oh, don't be silly, Kay, I've been smoking for years.
They should put the effects on the side of the packets.
That would frighten people.
Oh, Kay, they're not gonna do that, are they? They're not stupid.
Oh, Alan, where'd you find her?
We are aware of the speculation that has been circling,
but I want to reassure fans that the stand will be made safe,
and all season ticket holders
will receive a complimentary Cobblers umbrella to use
while refurbishments are made.
Graham Carr, anything to add?
Just what he said, really.
It's not a death trap,
and, er, Paddy'll be there to hand out umbrellas,
save you getting pissed on.
Thank you. Thank you.
How did I do? Bang on, mate, bang on.
Have you got everything? Yeah.
My mum would do anything to get one up on Angela.
Even if it meant airing her dirty laundry in the street.
No, I mean, literally - dirty laundry in the street.
All right, Ange? Didn't see you there.
I was just on my way to the garage to see
if I had anything to get this stain out of Alan's shirt.
Lipstick, on his collar.
I know! That's the trouble, isn't it, when they get girlfriends?
All the canoodling starts, but boys will be boys, though, eh?
Anyway, I'd better go, better see if I've got something to get on this.
Oh, I wonder if I've got any of that Get Rid Get Gone.
♪ Get Rid Get Gone
♪ Where's all the stains? ♪ They've all gone! ♪
Oh. The stories I could tell you about the making of that advert!
Anyway, see you!
Oh, the garage.
Oh, I forgot my shoes. Bye-bye.
Is she on drugs?
Kay!
Hi, Alan. You looking forward to drama?
Oh, I can't wait. How you getting on with your lines?
Just a couple more pages to go, and I'll be word perfect.
We have got one thing to rehearse.
What's that? Our kiss.
Don't ever do that again.
Oh, look who it is,
it's little theatre boy and his freaky friend.
"I'm an actor now."
Patrick Swayze? More like Patrick GAY-ze!
Oh, Jackie, Jackie, look at me.
Bugger off, the pair of you!
Bit cheeky, that!
What should we do with him?
Smack him one! Oh, yeah.
Oi! What's going on?
Leg it.
'Killing Moon' by Echo & The Bunnymen
Alan! Alan!
Alan?
Alan.
Alan Carr?
Yeah? What are you doing in the caretaker's cupboard?
I just need some time to myself.
Come out, come out of there.
Oh, Alan, don't cry.
I'm not. The caretaker had left a bucket of bleach on the floor,
and I bent down to do my shoelaces.
And now I've got one of my heads.
Well, class is about to start. Are you coming?
I don't want to do it any more.
OK, then, I'll just give James the monologue.
Well,
maybe I could give one last performance before I retire.
Be honest with me. What's going on? Are they giving you a hard time?
You can tell me, Alan. I can't cane them any more,
but if I get a wire coat hanger, say it's a scene from Mommie Dearest...
No! Well, I mean, yeah, they are, but no to that!
You know why they're picking on you, don't you?
Why? Because you're special.
Am I?
Yes. Oh. The moment I clapped eyes on you, I knew you had something.
The voice, the teeth, the way you sashay down the corridor.
But I don't wanna sashay, I wanna walk.
I don't wanna have teeth like toe separators.
I don't want my voice to go up and down like a police siren.
Alan, you're a one-off. That's why they don't like you!
D'you reckon? I do.
I think, one day, you'll be famous.
You'll be a huge, huge star, just like me.
And they'll say, "I knew him. I went to school with Alan Carr."
And you can turn around and say... Get out the way of my limo,
I've got a power lunch with Kirstie Allsopp at 12.
One day, it will all make sense.
I promise.
So, are you ready to do this?
Yeah.
Yes, I am!
Don't you all look fab-u-lous?!
Ah.
And, Alan, what can I say?
Your mum obviously went to a lot of effort to get all of this.
Yeah, you could say that.
Oh, it's you. Give these to your mum, will you?
There's some lovely pieces in there.
Make sure she doesn't lump 'em in with her old crap.
Ooh.
Arms, take your last embrace!
Let lips, O you.
As the doors of breath forever sealed...
..with a righteous kiss.
And then Romeo kisses Juliet.
'Oh L'amour' by Erasure
Argh!
Ow!
'And that's how I got my black eye.'
Alan!
'And that's why I vowed that I would never, ever kiss a girl again.'
Alan! Tea's on the table. And your dad's on the telly.
'Love Missile F1-11' by Sigue Sigue Sputnik
'Graham Carr, anything to add?'
'Just... Just what he said, really.
'It's not a death trap, and, er...
'Paddy'll be there to hand out umbrellas,
'save you getting pissed on.'
What d'you reckon? I think you need bloody acting lessons an' all.
It's like watching a corpse.
Alan, what are you doing? What's the matter?
Oh, Alan. Come here.
Oh, Graham, look at him. Look at his face.
Don't be so daft. It's just a scratch.
The boy's been in the wars, has he?
Well, kind of...
What happened? Someone trying to muscle in on your bird, were they?
I hope the other guy came off worse. Did he?
Argh!
Yes, she did.
I-I mean... I mean, he... he did.
There's no messing with me.
'That was the power of acting.'
One, two, one, two! Ah, good lad.
- Hello? - 'We need a word.'
Oh, hi, Ange.
Right, calm down, you're talking too fast.
'He's prancing around...'
You saw Alan doing what?
I am sorry about your black eye, Alan.
Oh, it wasn't your fault.
See you tomorrow. Bye. Bye.
Oh, it's not possible, Ange,
I handed that bag in this morning, with your stuff.
Are you back on the Valium?
'Now, that was the power of acting.'
Oh, Don, not on the silk bedspread!
I'll never get this red wine out.
You will with Get Rid Get Gone.
♪ Get Rid Get Gone
♪ Where are the stains? They're all gone
♪ Keep it in reach
♪ Give that stain a squirt of bleach
♪ But where's the stain?
♪ Ha, that's a surprise
♪ We'll always keep it Away from your eyes. ♪
Thanks, Get Rid Get Gone.
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com