♪ We fade to grey Fade to grey... ♪
'Fade To Grey' by Visage
Are you sure it's southbound? Here, check the fax.
Here.
Adam Dunkirk, 7pm, outside t'toilets.
When Fourth Division football players
were being transferred in the '80s,
football managers liked to pick somewhere neutral
for them to do the swap,
and sometimes, Switzerland was just a little bit too far away.
This Watford Gap Services, it's a dump.
Many footballers' careers were made and destroyed
under the inane smile of the Watford Gap Happy Eater logo.
What's he looking at? Birds.
Oh, that blonde by the Cortina?
No, actual birds. Birds with feathers.
Oh. A pelican escaped from Twycross Zoo.
Even got a mention in The Chronicle and Echo.
I must have missed that. Hm. It was under the horoscope.
You get a £2 book token if you spot it and get a photo.
£2! Wow.
You know, Alan, one day, it could be you
being picked up by men in a car park.
What? I saw you kick that ball.
It went in the wrong direction, and it hit that bloke in the face,
but, boy, the power.
Aw! He's got strength.
Aye, we're working on it, eh, kid? Just gotta get him focused.
Sometimes, all it takes for someone to fall in love with the game
is a little nudge.
Yeah.
Bloody hell! Sorry, mate.
No money. No wallet.
Poor!
Oh, give him 10p for a cuppa, Graham.
All right, mate. It's me, Adam.
Adam?
Yeah, me manager dropped me off northbound.
I've... I've been waiting there about half an hour, an hour, like.
Oh, Adam! Well, welcome to the Cobblers.
Er, jump in t'back, mate. Yeah.
Oh, you stink of fags and booze.
Alan, don't be so bloody rude! Sorry, Adam.
What are the binoculars for?
Looking at that redhead with the massive knockers?
No. A pelican. Ignore him.
Up the Cobblers! Yeah.
Christine. Ange?
I've got my begging bowl out here.
What's your living room doing tomorrow morning?
What? Well, you know I host my book club every Tuesday?
Well, the community's double-booked with a beetle drive,
and we're having our carpets shampooed - don't ask.
Nigel can make such a mess when he's had the lads round.
So, I was wondering -
could we use your living room, just this once?
Well, it's a bit short notice.
Only gonna be a couple of us, unless you wanna join as well.
Such a giggle.
Do you wanna know what we're reading?
The Bitch. D'you know it?
Yes, I do.
Hello, could I speak to the PE teacher, please?
Mr Chapman? Graham Carr.
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry to hear that. Well...
Well, that's... between you and your ex-wife.
But I'm calling about Alan.
Now, I know when it comes to football,
he's maybe not shown much of an interest so far
but... you know, I wonder if all it might take,
between the two of us, is a little nudge.
I mean, after all, football's in his blood.
That is an excellent idea.
Thank you, Mr Chapman.
Bye-bye.
It's just so exciting!
You get a £2 book voucher if you spot it.
So keep your eyes peeled, my love.
And if you see it, I'll split the winnings with you.
Oh, Alan...
Alan. Alan, your name. It's on the board.
Mm? What board?
This board. You're on the football team.
Inter-schools.
'The Four Seasons: Summer' by Vivaldi
It's a wind-up. Remember Harvest Festival,
when someone put me forward for May Queen?
Cruel, building me hopes up.
You're actually on the team sheet.
Charlie's right. You're in the team.
Oh, come on! Ha!
Where is he? What?
Jeremy Beadle! Beadle's about.
It's no joke, son. You're in the team.
Training, tomorrow. Bring your kit.
But tomorrow's drama club.
Drama club? Drama?
Try getting married to a borderline sociopath if you want drama.
See how you like it then.
I'll stick to football, mate. It's much safer.
A football isn't gonna hang on to the axle of your car
and try cosh you with a dumbbell, is it?
I'm here if you need to talk.
I appreciate that.
Oh, my God.
'There it was, not in blood, but worse -
'black felt-tip pen.'
- Come on! - Push up, push up.
- Show for it, Dennis. Go on! - Jesus.
Go on, yes, finish it!
All the way, son. All the way, all the way.
Come on! Oh!
What do you reckon, Graham? Hat-trick on Saturday?
Oh, let's hope so. Right, lads! Hit the bath.
Adam? Well played, son.
I'm gasping. There's some water over there.
Water? I'm on about a beer.
Do you fancy a night out, show me the sights of Northampton?
New lad out on the lash?
Gaffer will have your testicles as earrings, mate.
Get an early night, Adam. Early night? Are you joking?
I'm as stiff as the Express Lift Tower.
Well, more totty for me, then, I suppose, innit?
Is that you, Alan? Yeah.
How was your day, all right? Yeah.
Any news on that pelican?
Someone said they saw it down Bridge Street
eating a Pop Tart out the bin.
Really? Yeah...
It can go anywhere in the world it chooses,
and it comes to Bridge Street?
Silly bird.
'This from a woman who holidays
'in Great Yarmouth every year.'
Mum? Mm-hm?
I'm in the football team.
You're what?
Oh, someone's in a good mood.
Oh, we've just signed a player
that's had one of the best training sessions I've seen in a long while.
There's something about him, Chris.
Well, I'll give you one better than that.
Alan? Tell your dad what you just told me.
Alan? I'm in the school football team?
Are you?
Pfft... Well, I never.
What about that, then? Th-That... That's great.
Why's he put me in the football team?
Well, they... they have clearly seen something.
Football, Alan.
You'll learn more on that pitch than you will in any classroom.
Ah, your bird-watching, your drama classes...
they're not a patch on the magic of the beautiful game.
Let's go down the carvery.
What? Yeah. Come on.
Let's celebrate in style.
This is nice.
Isn't it just?
Ah, Graham Carr.
They've been here since four, bloody nuisance.
Can you sort this out?
'Ey up! Here he is!
All right, boss? What're you having? What the...?
Oh...
Why's he licking the carpet?
Give us a hand, Chris.
- Oh, come on, lad. - 'Ey up.
All right. Here we go.
State of it. Here you go. Oh.
Oh, God.
'Maneater' by Hall & Oates
Come on.
Right!
'Ey up.
Get your hand off my arse. Oh, sorry.
If this is the saviour of the Cobblers,
then I'm supporting Kettering.
♪ Whoa, here she comes Here she comes
♪ She's a maneater... ♪
So, not only... are you giving me wedgies,
throwing my packed lunch box in the river
and snapping my shatterproof ruler, you're now doing this.
We didn't. Yeah. It's good to have you on the team.
What?
I've been looking for someone I can practise slide tackles on.
You steer clear of my shins, I bruise like a peach.
Hang on... has he had his initiation yet?
Initiation? What?
See you later, Alan. Ow.
Ow!
You've forgotten, haven't you? Sorry?
Someone's had a late night. Come on, girls.
Stick the kettle on, would you, Chris?
- Hiya. - Hello.
Hello. Nice carpet.
Lovely.
I found Fontaine Khaled incredibly likable.
She's so exotic.
I actually, erm... identified with her.
Would any of you have liked the sex scenes to have been more graphic?
No. No, yeah, thought not.
Nor me.
Just checking we all agreed.
But what did we think of lovable rogue Nico?
One-dimensional.
Men in this book tend to be pieces of meat
for the women to fawn over, which I think is a disgrace.
Amen, sister. Amen.
'Addicted To Love' by Robert Palmer
Where the hell am I? Morning, Adam.
There's coffee in the pot. Help yourself.
Where's my jeans?
I took 'em off you last night. They're in the wash.
Sorry, Ange. Where were we?
♪ You're addicted to love. ♪
Carr. Where do you wanna play?
Anywhere... as long as it's away from that dog poo.
Building a time machine and faking me own death
hadn't worked, surprisingly.
So I guess I had to pop on me pumps, get involved
and deal with the trench foot afterwards.
Alan said he wants to play in the back four
but, at a push, will go up the wing.
Great. Just like his father.
Right! Come on, lads!
Yes!
Right... which bit's the wing again?
All right. Look after yourself.
- See you. - Bye, Ange.
Chris, I just wanna say a big thank you
for letting us use your lounge.
Bye, Ange!
And also, you know... Yeah?
Good for you. Sorry?
Good for you.
Two's company. Three's a party.
I've dabbled. Started with a couple in Guernsey.
One minute, we were in a hot tub, the next,
we were playing a clothing-optional version of Twister.
Oh, I don't know what you're talking about, Ange, love.
Oh, come off it, Christine.
I've seen that piercing look in your eyes when you're watching Adam.
Which is why I thought next week, we could read this.
Jaws? Oh, sorry, my mistake.
The Graduate. Sound like your sort of thing?
How's your hangover? Yeah, gone.
Had a few swigs of Christine's hock this morning,
I feel a million dollars.
Don't make a habit out of this, son.
As long as I score goals, it's all that matters, innit?
Well, that can only last so long.
Look at Georgie Best. What's he doing now?
He's probably having an ice-cold beer in the Costa Del Sol
motor-boating fit birds in bikinis morning, noon and night.
What's your point, Gaffer?
You've got a talent. Don't waste it.
That's all I'm saying. Yeah. All right, boss.
I'll make it up to you. Good man.
Right, I've got a little stop-off to do on the way home.
Do you wanna come with me?
Yeah, course. Are we off to the bookie's?
- Switch your game! - Try defending!
'The Four Seasons: Summer' by Vivaldi
Run up the wing! All right!
I've got mud on my boots. Wait there.
Man on. You what?
Man on! Yah!
You nearly had my leg off! Ref!
The ball's on the other side of the pitch! Dad?
All right, settle down, lads.
Mr Carr? Pleasure to have you with us.
Mr Chapman. Nice to finally meet you.
How are the lads doing? Well, you know.
Lads? This is Adam. He's our new signing.
You'll get to see him play tomorrow against Crewe.
Fourth Division loser. 'Ey, pipe down.
What did you say, mate? Fourth Division loser. Are you deaf?
At least you won't be able to hear the boos tomorrow. Ha!
Don't mess with him, Adam. He's bad news.
Chuck us that ball, pal. Nice one.
Just, er, remember he's 12, yeah?
Right, come on, then. Come on!
Nearly. Nearly had me then. Try again.
Mm! Not so great.
Tasty, eh?
'The Four Seasons: Summer' by Vivaldi
Yeah, you might wanna go and get that, pal.
Off you pop, Leslie.
Great to see you out there today.
He's got the makings, don't you reckon, Adam?
Who? Alan?
Yeah, without a doubt.
Why don't you come back to the house?
Chris'll make you some dinner.
Actually, boss, I've got a couple of things to do in town.
Oh, right.
But I'll see you back at the house, though, yeah? OK. Er...
Just... remember what we spoke about.
Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.
Me and Adam popped along to his training today.
Oh, did you? When's your match?
Tomo... Tomorrow.
Inter-schools against, er... Who is it?
Another school? Haven't you got a game tomorrow?
Yeah, we do.
Aye, shame I won't get to see this one in action, but...
first of many, 'ey, son?
You know, Chapo putting you in that team's
just the little nudge that you needed
to set you on the road to being a proper little footballer.
It's in his blood.
Shall I put Adam's dinner under a bit of cling?
Nah, he shouldn't be too long.
'And finally tonight, no news still on the pelican
'that escaped recently from Twycross Zoo.
'Some reports have suggested sightings
'in and around Pitsford Reservoir, although these remain unconfirmed.'
I knew it! Pitsford Reservoir, of course!
Open water, they love that.
What? The pelican!
Someone thinks they've seen it down Pitsford Reservoir.
Can we go? No, we cannot.
The car park up there's full of wrong 'uns after dark.
Gary, what's that? 'Ey up! Yeah...
Don't say owt. It's Adam.
Oh...
Ugh... Speaking of wrong 'uns.
Argh!
Do you think he's got a drink problem?
Ah, I thought we'd turned a corner.
And he's got a game tomorrow.
Can I ask you something?
Why do you think that teacher at Alan's school's put him in the team?
Just seems odd, doesn't it?
Oh...
Oh! Sorry, boss. Wrong room.
You all right? Er, yeah.
Fine. Listen, I'm sorry about everything.
I really am.
I don't know, I...
I think what it is... It's late.
We've got a match tomorrow.
Get yourself a decent night's kip, and we'll talk in the morning.
Yeah. I'm just gonna get a drink of water.
Touch my Blue Nun, and you're out.
Well, he is.
Why are you still up?
Just thinking.
Oh, right?
About the, er...
About the game tomorrow?
Er... yeah?
- You looking forward to it? - Yeah?
Your dad's excited about it.
Oh, I know.
Did your dad want you to be a footballer?
I didn't know me dad.
And me stepdad, that's another story.
He'd drink, and I'd just... stay out of his way down the park.
That's when I got good at football.
Are you looking forward to your match?
No. What?
I've had enough, mate, I have.
Of football? But you're really good!
Yeah, but I hate it. What?
That's why I drink.
It's the only time I ever get any peace up here,
you know, when I'm smashed out me skull.
Sometimes, I just... wanna escape, you know what I mean?
I didn't know you felt like this.
We're so similar.
You reckon?
How about we watch an episode of the Golden Girls?
No, we're not that similar.
Night-night, mate.
- '- Charming. - Thank you for being a friend'
'Fade To Grey' by Visage
Anybody seen Adam? No. No?
Paddy. Adam? I've not seen him, boss.
♪ We fade to grey... ♪
Here, Alan. Want a little bit of drink?
I know that's wee. I wasn't born yesterday.
Can you stop being so paranoid?
Is it any wonder I'm paranoid?
Something's not right. Why am I in the team when I'm crap?
Oh, being the son of Graham Carr
wouldn't have anything to do with it, would it?
What? Come on, let's get this over with.
Hey, Chapo, why is Alan on the team?
Well, football's in the lad's blood...
somewhere.
Did my dad tell you that?
What?! I don't know what you're talking about, mate.
Get on.
'Ah, the penny had dropped.
'It was a trap!'
What's that? What?
'It was MY time to escape.' Hey!
What are you doing?
Getting myself a £2 book voucher!
Hey, shut up!
Hey, gormless, give me some of that drink.
♪ Crack that whip! ♪
'If I'm honest, I've been unhappy for a while.
'I'm sorry to let you down,
'and I appreciate everything you've done for me.
'Maybe a catch-up for a pint sometime.
'Nah, only joking - I'm chucking the booze in as well,
'so you can tell Christine her Blue Nun's safe.
' 'Ey up, keep an eye on your Alan.
'He's a good lad, even if he ain't much cop at footie.'
Have YOU seen Adam?
Aren't you supposed to be at the inter-schools?
Why didn't you go?
Just didn't feel right.
Don't know why Chapo wanted me on the team, anyway.
Why not?
Oh, football's in your... In my blood?
You know, football isn't just about kicking a ball.
It's more than that.
Now, when I was in a team... I instantly had ten mates.
Ten lads that I could trust and rely on.
Ten lads that...
..that had me back.
I want you to have that.
Any sign of your pelican?
Nah. It's probably gone to Africa.
Right. Come on, let's go home.
This place brings out the worst in people after dark.
'Sunglasses At Night' by Corey Hart
Why are they flashing their lights at us?
Ignore them, son.
Hello there.
Christ, it's Graham. Ooh!
No.
'They weren't looking for a pelican.'
Bloody perverts!
Still got it.
♪ I wear my sunglasses at night
♪ So I can, so I can
♪ Forget my name While you collect your claim
♪ And I wear my sunglasses at night
♪ So I can, so I can
♪ See the light that's right Before my eyes... ♪
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