'Always On My Mind' by Pet Shop Boys
Alan. Get up! You're gonna be late.
Get out of bed now! I'm out the bed!
No, you're not.
It was BCG jab day.
Whilst TB wasn't exactly rife in Northampton,
misinformation and gossip definitely was.
According to the rumours,
the jab was causing deaths, comas, amputations...
Huh! I'd rather take me chance with TB.
It was time for some self-care. I was gonna have the day off.
I don't feel well, I'm having the day off.
No, you're not.
OK!
And I know you've got rugby this afternoon, so none of this,
"I can't find my boots" rubbish.
And I hope you cleaned them like I told you.
I did!
And don't forget your gum shield.
Yeah, cos I'd hate to ruin THIS smile.
What the hell's going on?
'I was lucky that didn't hit me on me head.
'Or maybe it DID hit me on the head.'
Alan? Oh, my God! Graham?
Oh!
Graham? I think he's dead.
Alan!
I think I'm gonna need the day off.
Oh. Oh, darling. Bloody hell!
Yes. Oh, yes...
Well, I thought his head might come clean off.
Mm-hm... Absolutely.
It's such a frightful prospect, having a child not very well.
One just wants them to get jolly better, don't they?
Yes.
OK, thank you.
Bye-bye.
Ah, I could not get her off the blower.
I've left a message with the receptionist at school,
she's gonna let Mrs Fletcher know.
Thanks, Mum. Shh!
When the centre back is under pressure,
they panic, and the out ball is always the left winger.
Mum, could he...?
Oh, Graham, do that in the other room, he's trying to rest.
There's nothing the matter with him!
Mum, can you tell Dad to stop giving me evils? Graham!
The cast of Hi-de-Hi
are on Pebble Mill at One, Mum!
Ooh, that'll be nice.
And that finishes at two,
then there's a Grace Kelly movie, Dial M for Murder, at 2:30.
Maybe... you could pop out and grab us a packet of Matchmakers,
then we can get settled in for that?
Hello? Oh, hi, Sheila.
Wendy?
When?
20 minutes? Oh, you are a lifesaver.
Right, don't let anyone take that slot. It's mine.
See you in 20.
Good news, Wendy's fallen out of a window and fractured her spine,
so an appointment's come up at the salon.
One door closes, and another one opens.
Or should I say window?
Oh, Graham, show some respect!
I wonder if she could do me colour?
But, Mum, who's gonna look after me?
Your dad can. What? What?
What am I supposed to do with him?
I don't know, Graham, he didn't come with instructions. Work it out.
Oh, please, Mum, can't you stay? Please. Please, Chris.
Oh, I won't be gone long.
Now, Graham, he's got concussion,
it's important he doesn't fall asleep.
He's planning on watching Pebble Mill at One, it's a death wish!
You'll have concussion in a minute, with this stiletto.
Well, maybe then I'll get a chance to sit on the settee,
stuffing my face and watching drivel.
Right. Fags. Lovely. Right, have a nice day.
Can we have the telly on?
No, you're concussed. Rest your eyes.
Anything nice for lunch? I'm starving.
Toast? Bit boring.
When I had diarrhoea, Mum made a strudel
and we watched The Thorn Birds.
Sounds delightful
Oh, at least do us a cup of tea, will ya?
Sickies never lived up to their expectations, did they?
Free from school, you just assumed you'd be a lad of leisure,
having lots of fun doing adult things.
Then you came to the conclusion that life in fact was a bit boring,
and more often than not, you were just killing time...
until you die,
and then get lowered into the stone-cold ground.
Too much? You're welcome.
Your highness.
Thanks, Dad.
Ugh! What's in this?
I've got a good mind to make it myself...
If I wasn't seeing double and crippled by nausea.
Hello? Oh, hi, love.
You're joking!
How long?
Well, have you told 'em you've got a sick child at home?
Try and hurry up, yeah, he's er...
He's doing my head in.
I heard that!
It's hardly Russ Abbott's Mad House with you either.
Why's she not here?
Apparently, Wendy's turned up for her haircut.
But I thought she fell out the window and fractured her spine?
No. The dog walker she landed on fractured HIS spine.
Whoever said, "Hell is other people"
certainly knew what it was like to spend a morning with my dad.
I'm gonna go put a bet on.
Before you go, you couldn't be a love and grab me Agatha Christie?
It's upstairs on the bedside table.
Get it yourself.
Well, what am I gonna read?
There you go. Racing Post.
That's me! Lucky To Be Alive.
2:40, Newmarket. It's a sign.
Where's your money?
Oh!
20p. It's all I got.
Each way? Whichever way it's going'll be fine.
That's more like it!
'Tell It To My heart' By Taylor Dayne
♪ As long as I receive
♪ The message you're sending
♪ Body to body, soul to soul
♪ Always feel you near
♪ So say the words I long to hear... ♪
♪ Tell it to my heart Tell me I'm the only one
♪ Is this really love Or just a game
♪ Tell it to my heart... ♪
Hello?
Oh, hello there, it's Mrs Fletcher from Easton Lovell.
Is that you, Mrs Carr?
Put the phone down.
Yeah, this is she.
How is Alan? Oh, he's at death's door,
white as a sheet.
Drifting in and out of consciousness
but then again, that could be Pebble Mill.
Can I be frank, Mrs Carr? It's not about the BCG jab, is it?
People have died.
What? And gone in comas!
I'd rather my son have TB
than waking up with no arms and talking in tongues.
Mrs Carr, I don't know where you're getting your information from,
but that's simply not true.
My husband, Bill, is a doctor... I thought your husband died?
What? Yeah.
He slipped on a cowpat and went head first in to the combined harvester.
'Who told you that?'
Darren in 4F.
Mrs Carr, is this you?
I'm so sorry, I've got to go, bye-bye.
'Well, that was fun.'
'So fun, in fact...'
Oh, hello, vicar. It's Christine Carr.
Now, I wasn't one of those gay kids that went into their mum's closet
and tried on their heels and pearls,
but I couldn't resist the chance to play my mum.
It was the closest I'd come to being a female impersonator,
and I was sort of enjoying it.
Oh, hello, Ange, it's Chris. I wanted to have a chat with yer...
OK, I was loving it.
Oh, I know.
Oh, sorry, Ange, I've got..
I've gotta go, I need a waz. Bye-bye, darlin'.
Oh, my God!
Feeling any better?
I got you a drink, some oranges and some sweets.
Thanks, Dad. It really is the least you can do.
Oh, and I put your bet on.
Lucky To Be Alive.
What are you gonna do with your winnings?
I'll probably pay for a nurse to give me proper care 24/7.
Oh, I've left me paper in the car.
Ooh!
Someone's feeling better.
Uh...
Get that rugby kit now! You're going to school.
You must think I was born yesterday,
having me slaving over you all morning.
A slave?! Ha! A cold cup of tea and an orange.
Puh-lease! I've never had such bad service!
Come here, now.
Wait till I tell your mother!
Liars are worse than thieves!
Hello?
Graham? Oh, hi, Ron.
You still up for meeting the sponsors?
Oh... Argh, sorry, Ron, wh-when is it again?
Now. It's in my Filofax, bold as brass!
'Graham?' Agh, hang on a second.
Yeah, erm...
..Alan's been taken ill.
Is he all right?
No, no, he's not. He's, er, he's quite poorly.
What's the matter? It's a concussion.
Er...
..a trophy... fell on his head.
No chance of that happening here!
Oh, sorry, Graham, I shouldn't really be laughing.
Terrible thing, concussion.
My Jaqueline had it last year after the barbecue.
After the barbecue? 'Yeah.'
She slipped on a chicken wing.
I've never seen her legs open so wide...
OK... Ron, er, great, er... 'You should come to next barbecue.'
Yeah, thanks. I'm... I'm... I'm sorry I can't be there.
You know, he's not well, and he needs me here.
Yeah... He... He needs his dad.
'Cheers, mate.'
Yeah. Graham? Graham?!
That was a private phone call.
I-I've not done anything wrong,
I just simply explained to Ron that I was needed elsewhere.
"Liars are worse than thieves," eh?
I didn't lie, I just stated what I'd been told.
Alan's been taken ill. He's quite poorly.
It's a concussion. A trophy... fell on his head.
Give me that! You little...
Hello.
Oh, hi, Chris.
Oh, no, no, no, you-you take your time.
We're just, er... watching telly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm really enjoying Pebble Mill at... 12.
I. One! One.
How's he feeling?
He's, er, he's... he's a bit hot.
But he'll be fine after he has his lollipop.
After two lollipops.
No, it-it's fine, er, you take your time.
And, er, we'll see you when we see you. OK.
So what are we gonna do now?
Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to watch the racing.
Dad! Give me that! Pebble Mill's about to start.
Alan, give me it now, or I'll tell your mum.
Tell her what? Well, I'll tell her that you lied.
You did, too! No, I didn't!
Yes, you did. You lied to Ron!
Only because you lied first!
If you hadn't lied, then I wouldn't have had to!
Well, why don't we make a deal?
I watch 15 minutes of something I like,
and you watch 15 minutes of something you like.
'People often say to me, "Alan, why are you so deluded?" '
And I always reply with one word - Dynasty.
I loved it.
I loved the escapism of it all. Who wants to live in the real world?
That's why I never understand people who bother with British soaps.
Who wants to see someone in a caff,
or washing their smalls in a launderette,
when you can see rich people in fur coats at a casino,
or billionaires scowling on a yacht?
And that's Dex, he's married Alexis, but she's too much for him,
cos she's a hard-talking ball breaker.
She chews men up and spits 'em out. I sympathise with Dex.
That's Blake.
He's been under a lot of pressure recently, what with the takeover.
Oh, I see.
And Denver Carrington's having second thoughts because of the...
Cos his wife's in a coma. See, I told you you'd be addicted.
Ahhh. Maybe we should watch something else?
What about a board game? Come on!
Staring at that screen all day's not gonna help your head.
Well, I mean, there's Cluedo, or Game of Life...
Not Mr and Mrs, though, that'd just be weird.
What about that one I got you for Christmas?
What one?
Best. Game. Ever!
Worst Christmas ever.
Come on.
A Question Of Sport and a pair of shin pads.
I was praying Father Christmas would get the wrong house.
Who broke the women's world record in 5,000 metres in 1984?
Zola Budd. Yes!
Do you remember her? She used to run in bare feet.
Yeah, big deal. Mum does that to get to SuperCigs
for fags before the shop shuts.
Right, come on, Mr Grumpy Pants. Let's get you off the starting line.
- Oh, football... - Yay
Who scored the winning goal in the FA Cup replay against...
Agh, you'll never get this.
You know, I played against him, actually.
At The County Ground. 1964, I think it was.
Anyway, you wouldn't know him.
Like I say, it was Eddy Royce.
Right, let's try swimming.
Hang on, did you just say Eddy Royce?
I know him! What?
I do! He does an advert for weedkiller on the telly.
♪ Gets rid of weeds, guaranteeds. ♪
He's famous! You never played against him!
I did. I don't believe you.
You don't believe me?
I'll show you.
Murder She Wrote, Colbys, Falcon Crest...
Bloody hell, your mother watches some rubbish.
Ah, right, here we go!
Who's that? That's me! No way!
You're skinny!
Watch this...
Ooh! Oh!
You're getting told off.
He's shouting at you. What you saying to him?
Well I... I'm just standing my ground.
Anyway... No, no, leave it.
'It was weird seeing me dad as a young man,
'running round the pitch, full of beans,
'bantering with his teammates...'
I've never seen you like this. Happy and joking.
You try being a football manager.
Can I put something on?
Go on, then, but none of that rubbish you had me watching earlier.
Oh, wait a minute, I know what we can watch.
What?
No! No! Oh... turn it off, Dad.
Oh, isn't he cute?! Dad!
Here we go, I made your Mam film from an angle
so it looked like you came first every time.
I've missed too many of these.
Hey, come here...
Why didn't you go to school today?
Those lads still giving you a hard time?
No!
Well, yeah, but no more than usual.
What about?
Me going to drama club... But I don't wanna stop going,
and you know, the way I look...
And when the Cobblers lose, they say things.
If I'm honest, it was the BCG. What's a BCG when it's at home?
It's an injection.
When you have it, your arm goes limp...
And you either wake up in a coma... or dead!
What? Where've you heard this rubbish?
Alan, half of the time, it's in your head.
Next time, talk to me. Right? Don't lie.
OK?
Right, now, what are we gonna do about these bullies?
Ah, maybe I should go down and have a... have a word...
Lucky To Be Alive is gonna take this.
No! Ooh! Uh?
Go on! Go on! Go on!
Come on! Come on!
Yeah! Oh, my God, we did it!
Yes! Come on!
We won! Yes!
I won a fiver. I won a fiver. Get in!
I'm rich. I'm rich. Oh, someone's feeling better!
He's just had his first winner, Christine.
Oh, I better stop jumping, I can feel that orangeade coming back up.
'Ere, I think that vicar's got dementia.
Cornered me in the car park,
started going on about me doing a fun run.
Well, he must have mistook you for someone else.
You had your hair done, remember?
No, this was before I had me hair done.
He swears we chatted on the phone.
Very strange.
Hello?
Oh, hello, Mrs Fletcher.
Oh, no, I never, I've been out...
But I think he SHOULD have it...
Coma?
Speaking in... tongues...?
Wait a minute.
You've been pretending to be me, haven't you?
Mrs Fletcher, could you kindly give me five minutes?
Bye-bye.
You are having that BCG jab tomorrow whether you like it or not.
Well, last time I checked, schools weren't open on a Saturday.
What you talking about, you wally? Tomorrow's Friday. What?
And forget about doing anything Saturday, you're grounded.
Pretending to be me, I must look like a right idiot.
Mum, I swear, it was only once.
It was just to get out of having the jab.
Please believe me.
God knows what Mrs Fletcher thinks of me.
It's humiliating, Alan!
Sorry about your diarrhoea, Chris, it's the worst.
Here's that strudel you asked for.
♪ I started a joke
♪ Which started The whole world crying
♪ But I didn't see
♪ That the joke was on me Oh, no... ♪
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