Dare I say it, but there was an air of optimism in Northampton.
The Cobblers had had a string of good results,
and we'd even reached the quarter-finals of the Milk Cup.
Alan?
'Ey, great result on Saturday.
That Richard Hill header was cracking.
The Cobblers doing well had crossed one item off the list
of things to bully Alan Carr for.
All I needed was veneers, laser eye surgery
and conversion therapy,
and you could scrap the list altogether.
But let's not run before we can mince.
Can you tell your dad I said hello?
Will do.
Cobblers! Yeah!
Yeah...
'Even the County Ground was looking less death-trappy.'
Well, I'd like to thank the builders
for the work they've been doing and the work that they are doing,
and I'd like to thank the rest of you for supporting me on this.
The only way is up.
There you go, Graham. Gift for you.
State-of-the-art Mitsubishi Roamer.
Jacqueline's got one.
Had a conversation with her the other day on the toilet.
Crystal clear.
Thank you, Ron.
I have to hand it to you, Graham. You've turned things round.
There were many times this season when I thought we were ruined.
"Cobblers are finished.
"What was I thinking, employing Graham Carr?
"The man's a complete and utter disaster."
At least we're on the up now, eh?
That we are.
Always knew you could do it. Oh!
Thanks.
Animal Farm: The Musical.
It's a wonderful play about the Russian Revolution,
but sung by farmyard animals.
Maverick, activist, provocateur, socialist.
Miss Gideon was none of these,
but she still ploughed on with her crackpot schemes.
OK, then. Yes!
But please keep the politics to a minimum.
I'll start casting straightaway. Hmm.
Viva la revolucion!
Angela. Bloody hell, you look like a bar code.
What's the matter?
It's Nigel. He's having an affair!
Cow. Yes!
Back of cow.
You can be our...
sheep. Yes!
Horse.
And you, Alan, will be Squealer.
And that leaves you, Kay. Hmm.
I'm getting donkey vibes.
Boxer. Yes!
Miss Gideon?
Yes. There seems to be some added songs.
And who is Starpig? It's not in the original text.
Yes, that's me.
I've written myself a bigger part and self-penned a solo number.
Curtains up, profits down.
It's a damning indictment of underfunding in the arts
on a recorder.
OK, listen up, guys.
I wasn't going to tell you this, but you have twisted my arm.
I have found out we've got some old casting agents
coming to the show.
Looking for lots of new talent and...
not-so-new talent. Wah-wah-wah-wah.
I'm not gonna tell you where they're from.
Coronation Street!
Slipped out. Naughty Miss Gideon!
So, Animal Farm is the hottest ticket in town, right?
Tell your mums.
Tell your dads, grannies, grandads.
If you know anyone in the industry, let me know,
I will change your part.
Lovely!
He just doesn't look at me like he used to.
Well, you have got a cold sore. It's since before that.
Is it still bad? Just round the edge.
It's good it's crisping up. Obviously on its road out.
We used to make love morning, noon and night.
Tossed me on the bed, bent me over the kitchen table.
Oh, Ange, don't overthink things.
I was bending over, shaving my legs once, and...
well, you can imagine.
Do you want another Viscount?
"Whatever goes on two legs is an enemy."
Why would you want to read in your lunch break?
Ugh! Boring!
How's the play going, Alan?
Oh, Val, no-one's supposed to know.
Oh... There's a casting agent coming to see the play!
What?! I know!
A Coronation Street casting agent. Can you believe it?
I could be off to t'Cobbles, Val. T'Cobbles!
Coronation Street? The soap?
Yeah, the casting director's good friends with Miss Gideon.
Are there any roles left? I can have a word.
The man in the Arndale asked to take my photo the other day,
and he said I had star quality.
I'll talk to Miss Gideon. Could you? Oh, my God.
You do know you'll be dressed as a farmyard animal?
I don't care. As long as it gets me out of this dump.
Just think, you could be eating Betty's hot pot with Alan!
Hopefully it won't have hairs in it. Like yours.
Cheeky.
See you later.
Oh, that'll be Graham.
Ange, I really should be getting on. Oh.
Hello, love. Angela was just about to...
Oh, Graham.
You don't normally see me like this, do you?
Broken. Vulnerable.
Almost like a little kitten you just wanna hold.
Angela thinks that Nigel might be having an affair.
Oh. Who with?
We don't know. We don't even know for sure that he is, do we?
Sorry.
It's in my pocket. Thanks.
Yes?
Ron, you don't have to keep ringing me on this.
Well, thank God there's not a camera on it. Bye.
Do you think Nigel could be having an affair?
Yes, he could. See, I told you!
For God's sake, Graham.
"Could". Of course he could be having an affair.
The Cobblers could win the league.
I could come home one day and not have any drama.
Oh, just take no notice of him, Ange.
Alan?
Alan, erm... what have you said to Maz?
She keeps talking about being a star and going to Hollywood.
Oh, I'm gonna get her to audition for the play.
What do you think of the costumes?
What do you think? Very snazzy.
There's still a few parts left, if you fancy it? You're all right.
Well, tell Maz I'll take her to audition tomorrow.
Here's the script. Thanks.
Bye, Kay. I'll see you tomorrow. See you tomorrow, Alan.
What actual proof do you have that Nigel is having an affair?
All of a sudden, he started taking more care of himself.
Brushing his teeth, washing, wearing clean pants.
He never used to do that for me.
Well, it sounds like you need to have an affair, Angela.
Thanks, Chris. I know I slag you off behind your back,
but you've been a real friend.
Well, hopefully, it might make you a bit nicer.
I doubt it.
Oh...
How's Kay? Great!
Girlfriend. All right, Dad.
You've got to be kidding me. Show me. What's up with Angela?
Oh, she's just a bit upset. What's all this?
Oh, it's nothing, it's just...
Er, hello?
Oh, it's Wayne Sleep. He wants his bag back!
We're doing a play. I'm in a show.
What kind of show? A theatre show. A musical.
Is he still doing that? I thought we knocked all that crap on the head.
Graham?
Well, Miss Gideon's putting on a play.
I'm playing a pig, Kay's a donkey.
We're a goat down, but Miss Gideon just says that's showbiz.
If you know anyone who'd like to play it...
Well, if you can wait till tomorrow,
I can do a shout-out in the dressing room,
see if any of the lads fancy it.
Graham, try and be supportive.
Mum, will you come to see it?
No. I'm just not a big fan of musicals.
Are they singing? Are they talking? Make your mind up.
I've got a match. It's a Milk Cup quarter-final.
Can't exactly say to Ron,
"Sorry I can't be there, I've got to watch my son prancing around stage,
"dressed as Miss Piggy."
It's not Miss Piggy, it's a proper show.
About communism. With songs.
Forget it, the lot of you. I don't need you.
Why was Mrs Hudson crying?
Oh, her and Charlie's dad have had a bit of a row.
Nothing to worry about.
Christ, you know what they're like, that pair. They blow hot and cold.
Next time you see them, they'll be all lovey-dovey
like nothing ever happened.
Scumbag!
You dirty, lying, cheating scumbag.
Everyone, our lovely art department have created these wonderful masks,
so please try them on for size.
Excuse me? I'm here to audition.
Oh.
Sorry, we've only got big singing parts left, I'm afraid.
I think I'm gonna have to take them all. But I can sing.
I was singing Whitney Houston,
and my neighbour thought it was the radio.
OK, well, let's see what you've got.
♪ Goddess of the mountain top
♪ Shining like a silver flame
♪ The summit of beauty and love
♪ And Venus was her name
♪ She's got it... ♪ It's very pitchy.
Yeah, it's a "no" from me, I'm afraid.
Pitchy? Are you having a laugh? That was great.
I don't think so.
And if you can't take criticism,
you really shouldn't pursue a career in the arts.
I think you should tell your neighbour to stop lying to children.
♪ A-Amazing grace
♪ How sweet the sound... ♪
Make it stop, make it stop!
Eurgh!
You're worried I'll sound better than you.
Those songs are mine. Mine!
Oh, it looked like jazz hands
would soon be turning into jazz fists.
Look, why don't you help out backstage?
We always need people behind the scenes too,
and, I mean, look, they are just as important as the actual actors.
I mean, look at, erm...
Bob? Ted.
Ted! Ted, lovely Ted.
You could be a stagehand.
Or a stage manager.
OK. Yeah, Miss Gideon. I'll help out backstage.
Wonderful. I think you'll feel more at home
out of sight, you know, behind the curtain.
Mm-hm. Anything I can do to make the evening more memorable.
What a sweet girl. Well, thank you.
What shall I do first?
Grab me a Kit Kat, darling, and those bins could do with a rinse.
Right. Gather round, here we go.
There's your proof. Hm!
Where'd you find 'em? They were right there on the drive.
And they're definitely not yours?
"Squealer"?
It's probably not even her real name. I know.
ALAN: I'm home!
All right? All right, love? All right?
Hello, Angela.
Again.
Oh, er... how are you feeling, Angela?
Devastated.
With a touch of indigestion thrown in.
We had rehearsals today. Ooh.
Alan's in the drama club. They're doing a show.
Dad, are you sure you can't come and see it?
I've told you, Alan, I can't. I've got a game.
But can't someone just stand in for you, you know, like an understudy?
It's a quarter-final of the Milk Cup, it's not...
West Side Story.
We're against Swindon. They're a tough team.
They're on a winning streak.
I mean, if you offered me penalties right now...
Oh, Graham, read the room.
It's two women and Alan. Nobody's interested.
I'll tell you what, Alan. I'll come. I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Thanks, Mum.
Angela, why don't you come?
Yeah, Angela. You need cheering up, and I can't go on my own.
What's it about again?
The Russian Revolution, set to music.
You must have other friends, Christine.
Oh, you're gonna love it. I play a pig called Sq...
Angela!
Angela, I am not having an affair.
I'm only brushing my teeth
because the dentist said I've got gum disease. Gum disease!
Oh, and I'm supposed to believe that, am I?! What?
I can't wait to see his face
when I tell him he's sleeping in the Trust House Forte tonight.
What?!
'Temptation' by New Order
'A chilly night here at Abington Ave,
'and you join us as Graham Carr's Cobblers
'face their old rivals Swindon
'for a place in the semi-finals of the Milk Cup.'
Shoe Army! Shoe Army!
Hi, Lynette? All right, hon?
Yeah, I've chucked Nigel out. Oh.
Screwing someone else. I know.
Yeah, I'll give you a tinkle, fill you in.
What? I hate musicals.
'And it's kick-off!'
Come on! Push up, push up, push up.
Go on, lads.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Jackie Gideon's production
of Animal Farm: The Musical,
written, directed and starring Jackie Gideon.
Come on! Come on!
'..on target. It's 1-0 to the Cobblers!'
Boss? Boss? Come on, lads.
You dropped this, mate. Eh?
♪ Keep your jewels and your crown
♪ You can't bring us down
♪ Be kind is all I ask
♪ I'm just a woman Behind a mask... ♪
How many songs is she gonna sing?
Five. And the showstopper. Her words.
♪ Hee-haw, hee-haw Knock at the door... ♪
But who is this?
Quick, Alan, that's your cue.
But who is this?!
I can't find my tights!
Miss, I've lost my tights.
My name is Squealer.
I come all the way from Leningrad...
What did he just say?
I think he said his name was Squealer.
Sorry!
Lynette, forget what I said.
Sorry. Sorry, Alan. Sorry, everyone.
I found these on my driveway. Oh, it's my tights!
I've been a fool. My poor Nigel.
He's in a Trust House Forte.
Three stars, breakfast included. I'm not a complete cow.
Well, let us continue.
'That Swindon equaliser is gonna make it
'a tight final 20 for the Cobblers here.'
Shoe Army!
Shoe Army! Shoe Army! Shoe Army!
♪ Bread, give us our bread!
♪ We work hard
♪ We need to be fed
♪ Give us wheat
♪ We need to eat
♪ Bloomer, cob, loaf, bap
♪ Feed the workers Give me my bread...
♪ Give me my bread... ♪
Give me my bread!
I'm fine.
Whoa!
Jackie. Jackie!
That's Alan's girlfriend. He's got a girlfriend.
I need a moment.
The show must go on, Miss Gideon.
Oh, piss off.
Come on!
'A huge victory for the Cobblers this evening.
'Up the Town!'
Come in. There we go.
Paddy? Where's Graham? I've not seen him, Ron.
Well, you get in here anyway. Hey-hey!
Ladies and gentlemen, a big toast for Paddy!
Oh, Kay, what happens now?
You've got to do something.
Go on, take this.
Ah...
Oh, God.
Well, this is going well, isn't it?
I'm in at the deep end here, thanks to Miss Gideon!
Concussed by a Mighty White. Whatever next?
I don't think this musical
gives a realistic interpretation of the Russian Revolution.
The Russian Revolution was shorter!
Do you like my outfit?
At least when people say my acting's hammy,
I can take it as a compliment.
Come on, give me a break.
I'm filling up time here. It can't all be gold.
Look at these sets.
I think the man who built the stand at the County Ground made these.
That's my son, that's my son.
OK, fine, I'm not saying they're unsafe,
but I burped once and a tile fell on my head.
You liked that, madam.
This musical has been a bit like a football match.
You know, two halves, foul play,
and what a header from Miss Gideon!
'Atmosphere' by Joy Division
My dad didn't wanna come and see the show.
Aw!
- He said I'd be like Miss Piggy. - Aw!
Oh, don't give me "Aw!"
I quite like Miss Piggy.
Besides, you paid to watch this rubbish.
So, basically, we're all Muppets!
Graham Carr!
Great result tonight, eh?
Yeah, yeah, it was.
Up the Cobblers!
Did you see that? Eh?
Graham Carr. Hoo!
Hello?
'This... is... a... message...'
Chris? '..for... Graham... Carr.'
Christine, I can hear you.
'Oh. Oh, Alan, he can hear us on the new phone! Innit good?
'Right, where are you? We've just got in.'
Still at the game. 'Ah.' I'm...
'All right, then.' I'm heading home now.
'All right, love. See you when you get back.'
Oh, I wish you'd seen him, Graham. He was so funny.
Making jokes about the play and his pig costume.
Decided against some of his more political, edgier stuff, did he?
Oh, take no notice of him, Alan.
I would have liked to have been there.
Maybe next season, but the fixture list at the moment is full-on.
We've got the Milk Cup, and we're away at Burnley, Scunthorpe...
There might not be a next time.
The performing arts can be a notoriously tough business.
I'm not gonna let it go to my head, though.
Reckon you'll make it to Hollywood?
Maybe. If the part's right.
Bye!
'Well, the reviews were in,
'and my ad hoc stand-up routine had been a success.
'Sadly, like Nigel's affair, the casting agent hadn't materialised,
'but, hey, I'd had fun,
'and I couldn't wait to relive my performance.'
Come on, give me a break. I'm filling up time here.
'It was the voice that struck me first.
'That high pitch, that squawk.
'And the hands. Why were they flapping?
'More to the point, why was I mincing?
'My heart sunk.
'So that's why I was getting bullied.
'I was camp as tits.
'The glasses, the buck teeth, the campness, the voice.'
Drama's definitely for benders.
'In the world of television, these were called trademarks,
'but in the school world, they set you apart.
'They were targets on my back.'
And I wasn't ready to be on the telly.
Well, not just yet.
'Don't Leave Me This Way' by The Communards
♪ Don't leave me this way
♪ I can't exist
♪ I would surely miss
♪ Your tender kiss
♪ So don't leave me this way
♪ A-a-a-a-a-ah, baby
♪ My heart is full of love And desire for you
♪ So come on down And do what you've got to do
♪ It's started this fire Down in my soul... ♪
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