KELVIN: Dead Horse Gap.
an old, inbred farming town
Used to be an old, inbred farming town
until, 18 months ago... an old, inbred farming town
until, 18 months ago...
..some lucky bugger found some gold.
And look at it now!
Vibey. Busy.
Sexy. You are.
Sexy. Thank you.
To your right, we have
the incredibly rich and incredibly To your right, we have
the incredibly rich and incredibly fancy Percival L'Estrange.
the incredibly rich and incredibly Good morrow, hussies!
Bonjour!
Ooh! Check out the shoe shiner.
Woof-woof!
OK, baddies, my arms are getting tired.
OK, baddies, We're walking now.
Welcome to Tent City,
home to the newest and poorest residents of Dead Horse Gap.
home to the newest and poorest Oh! And look - it's my ex, Natasha,
who for some reason Oh! And look - it's my ex, Natasha,
who for some reason is holding hands with that bloke.
Which is weird, because she said she wasn't over me.
Natasha! Kelvin, you are my stepbrother.
Stop lurking around my tent, you creep!
Oh! Classic Kelvin and Tash - fireworks 24/7.
Why did we sign up for this tour? It's not very good.
If we wanna own this town, we gotta know what's what.
Hey, show us some eligible gents, Kelvin.
Hey, show us some Is that what you're after, ladies?
No, no, no. Not poor hotties.
No offence, guys - you're both...
..reasonably bangable.
Cheers! Appreciate that.
Cheers! Rich dudes only.
Hold onto your bloomers, ladies,
because, to your left, we have the notorious dirtbag...
(SNIFFS) ..Fergus the panty sniffer.
Oh, my God.
No! He's very good.
Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life.
Do what you love and you'll (CHUCKLES, SNIFFS)
Bravo, you old perv.
And here we are - your new home.
Wow... And here we are - your new home.
Wow... Wow!
As you can see, it's a real cosy gem.
Friendly neighbourhood.
(ROOSTER CROWS)
Classic old-world charm.
Dude, where's the wall?
Indoor-meets-outdoor living.
It's super on trend.
Great ventilation, and a handy escape hole.
Yeah. There has been a ton of interest on this property.
It's a real up-and-coming neighbourhood.
It's a real up-and-coming Is that a baby?!
(COOS) Hello!
Did you come with the property?
Told you. Market's competitive. Gotta get in early.
Sorry, Errol. A deposit's been taken.
Sorry, Errol. God!
Gosh, I thought a kangaroo had kidnapped you, put it in its pouch
and was gonna raise you as its own!
(CHUCKLES) Wishful thinking, am I right?
(CHUCKLES) Sharon. Former tenant.
Are you moving somewhere even nicer?
You must be so rich.
Oh, hubby and me came here to make our dreams come true.
I'm going back to Melbourne flat broke, single
and somehow with four extra children.
and somehow with What can I say, ladies?
Get the hell out of this shithole while you can.
Get the hell out of Oh! Do you want kids?
No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
We don't want it. No, no, no.
We don't want your baby. Nup. No. Sorry.
Worth a try.
So, you guys happy?
You won't get a better deal So, you guys happy?
You won't get a better deal than this. Trust me.
Yes! Welcome home, bitches.
No. Don't call us that.
No. (SCREAMS)
That is a pretty filly, right there.
Well, we've got a pad.
Now we need to hard-launch Well, we've got a pad.
Now we need to hard-launch ourselves on this town.
Operation Sugar Daddy.
Operation Hot, Sexy Sister Babes From The City?
Operation Classy, Posh, Rich, Tall, Wealthy Man
Husband Entrapment Scheme. That's catchy!
We're just two vivacious sisters ready to meet their misters.
We're just two vivacious sisters Scusami, streghe!
Arrivederci.
(GIGGLES, SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
Goddammit!
Look at her.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I can't believe that's the same Fran
who won Parramatta's Biggest Moll three years running.
Fran, you malicious genius.
(TUTS)
Two waters with vodka - hold the water, please.
Two waters with vodka - Really? You're back?
How'd she do it, Barry?
How'd Franny Fishflaps snag the richest dude in town
How'd Franny Fishflaps without even having to fuck him?
(MOCK-GASPS)
Francesca and Percy L'Estrange?
Like, the hottest couple in town?
Why, they would be banging like bunyips.
Why, they would be banging Yeah. Sure.
Yeah.
Sure.
Right.
Anyway, just on the DL...
..it's more than luck that landed your mate
..it's more than luck the biggest fish in the fields.
Sounds fishy.
Ooh! Do tell us a story, barkeep.
(PIANO FLOURISH)
It was another time, one year ago,
when women weren't allowed in the pub
and fabulous men were hanged for being...
and fabulous men were hanged ..well, fabulous.
Ah. So lots has changed.
The young Bartholomew Fitzroy Ah. So lots has changed.
The young Bartholomew Fitzroy had just arrived in town
The young Bartholomew Fitzroy to take over the local pub.
That's my actual name - it's not fuckin' Barry.
OK, we're gonna need you to skip forward
OK, we're gonna need you to the part we're interested in.
Thanks, Barry. to the part we're interested in.
Thanks, Barry. Yeah, right.
Thanks, Barry. Well, word had got about town
that a highly sought-after and eligible debutante
would be arriving soon.
Slappers?
How the hell did they get that so wrong?
She hype-girled herself.
Francesca's coming. The perfect rich man's companion.
Francesca's the perfect wife material.
Ghastly!
Mama says she'll cut me off if I don't take a wife!
You should marry Francesca.
Very beautiful. Very discreet.
Also a great way to avoid getting hanged.
Also a great way Wife material. Wife material.
Fancy French wife material.
Yeah.
It's all about... building your personal brand.
It's all about... By the time she arrived,
every wealthy gent in town
was staining his strides to get with her.
was staining his strides Richest guy won.
Right.
So we just need to rebrand like Fran did.
So we just need to rebrand We need to become...
Pickpockets. We need to become...
Pickpockets. ..wife material.
Pickpockets. Wife material.
(TIPPY SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
Look - wives. Watch and learn.
You know, I don't gossip... Look - wives. Watch and learn.
You know, I don't gossip... Never.
..but I heard she went down to you-know-where,
..but I heard she went down the place where all sinners go.
(GASPS) To hell?
Worse - she went to Tent City.
(GASPS) Tent trash! SIOBHAN: Ooh, ah!
So sad. I've had to withdraw her invitation for this afternoon.
Naturally. Of course.
Oh, but I just can't wait to see the ladies
Oh, but I just can't wait all dolled up this afternoon.
I'm living for Miss Dead Horse Gap 1853.
So classy. I'll never forget my first pageant.
So classy. Landed myself a sash, and a hubby!
(GIGGLES) Oh, yes, you were so beautiful.
No, you ARE so beautiful.
(LAUGHS AFFECTEDLY)
(POSH ACCENT) Indeed! Charming!
Oh, hello!
Gertrude and Marigold Brewer. New in town.
We were just shopping for lovely bits and bobs
We were just shopping and happened to overhear you.
(POSH ACCENT) Yes. and happened to overhear you.
(POSH ACCENT) Yes. We've got excellent hearing.
(POSH ACCENT) Yes. Miss Dead Horse Gap, you say?
I don't suppose there are a couple of spare spots at this classy soiree?
We know a couple of young ladies who are absolutely gagging...
We know a couple of young ladies Gagging on God's love...to attend.
No, I'm sorry. We don't have any...
All of God's children are welcome.
Plus, that's more talent for Primrose to beat.
Plus, that's more talent (MONA CHUCKLES)
I do hope these lovely ladies have a special talent to showcase.
Oh, yes. One of them can fit her whole fist in her mouth. (CHUCKLES)
Oh! Francesca!
Milady! SIOBHAN: Lady L'Estrange!
Lady L'Estrange is our special guest this afternoon.
Lady L'Estrange is our Oh!
She and Monsieur Percy are our judges!
Yes. She's donated her tiara to the winner.
Yes. She's donated her tiara Can you imagine such generosity?
I am so very pleased to make your acquaintance.
Are you, though? Enchanted.
Ooh! Gal pals, we're gonna be late for our butter churning class.
See you ladies at the big event.
Dead Horse Hall, three o'clock.
Au revior, Francesca!
Mm-hm. Au revior, Francesca!
Mm-hm. Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Excuse-moi. (ALL GIGGLE)
Excuse-moi. Enchante!
(ALL GIGGLE)
So, Franta-pants!
Still pretending we didn't play Doctors and Nurses under the wharf
Still pretending we didn't play when we were horny tweens?
Doctor! Doctor! I'm gonna need you when we were horny tweens?
Doctor! Doctor! I'm gonna need you to take a look in my bloomers.
Doctor! Doctor! I'm gonna need you With three fingers, and no glove.
It seems there has been a gross misunderstanding.
Really? Uh-huh.
Ooh. (CHUCKLES)
Give it... Gimme... Give...! Oh!
What do you want for this worthless trinket?
Hmm.
Dressmaker.
We're gonna need some assistance.
(DOG BARKS)
Nailed it!
So hot right now.
Do you mean temperature or sex appeal?
Both - wife material is a heavy fabric.
Both - wife material Yeah.
Do you think we should've kept a hold of that photo?
Like, for, our own blackmailing purposes?
Like, for, our own Oh, yeah. That would've been smart.
Ah.
Oh, just think of this Ah.
Oh, just think of this as a fresh start. A clean slate.
No-one in this town knows who we are.
No-one in this town We get to be whoever we wanna be.
I'd never thought about that. Mm-hm.
We get to be whoever we wanna be. Yeah.
I could get a walking stick. Yeah.
I wanna be mysterious, but also feared, but also relatable.
I wanna be mysterious, Like Napoleon.
I'm gonna shave my head. Like Napoleon.
I'm gonna shave my head. Whoa.
Yeah. Get a full back tattoo. OK.
Yeah. Get a full back tattoo. And a really, really big cat.
Well, once we win And a really, really big cat.
Well, once we win Miss Dead Horse Gap,
these Dead Horse hunks are gonna be lining up to get some of this.
Ooh-ooh!
Give me that. Whoop-whoop!
Hello, sir.
(WOLF-WHISTLE)
Nice threads.
Thank you.
We're off to a function this afternoon.
We're off to a function Function, huh? Sounds fancy.
Oh, I mean, it's not really fancy. Function, huh? Sounds fancy.
Oh, I mean, it's not really fancy. Where are we charging?
Is it more of a casual thing, or do we gotta dress up like cupcakes too?
Uh, no, it's, um...
It's a pageant - Uh, no, it's, um...
It's a pageant - Miss Dead Horse Gap.
Oh. Wow. Cool.
Oh. Yeah. Winner gets a sash, tiara.
I'll never take it off.
Oh, definitely gotta see that.
Oh, look, I would absolutely love you guys to come, um...
..but, unfortunately, it's just this whole thing...
..where we, um, pretend to be classy debutantes
to lure rich men to marry us and give us their money.
Yeah, we're rebranding - as wife material.
Wow.
Really doing it for the sisterhood, eh?
Must be nice - have a shower and completely jump classes.
Should we have showered?
You know, we're just trying to make our own luck.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. We're all just trying to get lucky, aren't we?
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. We're all just (ALL LAUGH)
We're all lucky ducks.
Quack! Quack!
But, hey, I promise, when we're rich,
we'll throw a proper banging party for you guys.
For us blacks?
Yep. No!
Yep. Oh, we... Yes.
But for everyone.
For all the...
..good people, you know?
All the...all the legends.
L-like you guys...
..and every...
Right on, party peeps. (CLEARS THROAT)
"Right on, party peeps"? What the fuck was that?!
"Right on, party peeps"? Never seen you sweat before, sis.
Did not nail that.
I love it. Tell me you love it.
I love it.
So much.
Hello, Mr Chicken Man.
Bye.
Darling, remind me again
why we're attending this excruciating, cockamamie borefest.
Those plain church ladies invited me.
And it would be good for you to be seen giving back
And it would be good to this sad, lower-class town.
Otherwise, they might rise up
and overthrow us beautiful one-percenters.
Ooh! Scary. Eugh.
And I do hope there's a mean stage mother.
And some crying. Oh.
And sandwiches.
Yes, of course. All of those things.
Goody.
And this isn't problematic -
competing against other women to get attention from men?
Trading on conventional beauty standards
to get ahead of our sisters in the trenches?
Ah. Very good points.
I just think we'll be able to fix society's problems more effectively
after we've got a mansion and a personal chef.
You know? You're so smart.
Tipple for the nerves? Just a little sip?
Tipple for the nerves? Definitely not getting drunk.
We're classy pageant queens.
(COUGHS) Oh, you can really taste that whale oil!
(COUGHS) Oh, you can really Mm!
(MEN SHOUT AND LAUGH)
Can we just have one little keg suck, for old times' sake?
Can we just have one little (MEN SHOUT AND CHEER)
Please?
No. No. We're not tent trash.
We're wife material, about to dazzle high society with our talents.
We're wife material, about to dazzle Dainty sips.
(MEN WHOOP AND CHEER)
Strong but sensitive. Mm.
Like, he'd brush my hair, but firmly,
so it might hurt if he got to a knot.
That's why I think, like, a horse guy, you know?
Mm!
Because they're really good with braids.
Totally. For me, I'm thinking tall, but in personality.
So, like, he doesn't have to actually BE tall, but a tall energy.
So, like, he doesn't have to actually Mm, yeah.
'Cause I'm into the idea of a petite chap at the moment.
Yeah. Love that.
I'd also like someone who could hold their breath for a long time
in case I drown.
And rich. Oh, baseline rich.
And rich. Lung capacity is a big bonus.
How fun! You're late.
Sorry. We do not wake up like this.
Mm. The other ladies have just been introduced.
So tell your little angels to walk out onto the stage
and curtsy before the guest of honour.
Angels? You are.
Charming.
BOTH: Sparkle, shine, enjoy, destroy!
(PLAYS JAUNTY MELODY)
Yes, Goldie - get it!
Tits, teeth, tush - you ARE the moment.
Introducing Marigold and Gertrude Brewer.
Introducing (SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
Look at all these tiny little...ladies.
Wait - where are the...?
Oh...
Marigold's hobbies include... Oh, fuck.
Marigold's hobbies include... ..ponies, frolicking,
and dreaming of making a man happy
both emotionally and in the bedroom.
(WOMAN GASPS) Oof. This is rough.
Does she know that this event is not for...
Ageing wenches?
No, I don't think she does.
God, this country's so peculiar.
Thank you, Marigold.
And this is Gertrude Brewer.
Her hobbies include....
Whoa.
Can't say that.
Can't say that either.
Oh! Jesus, Gert. Really?
I thought it was a sexy survey.
Her hobbies include water sports I thought it was a sexy survey.
Her hobbies include water sports on a sunny day...
Shit! That's dirty, too. (GASPS)
Shit! That's dirty, too. Jesus. Just...curtsy.
A little lower, darling.
Get the bottom down. Booty out.
Slut-drop it!
There you go!
(WOMAN GASPS) WOMAN: Oh, my... (GASPS)
(FLY BUZZES)
Where'd you get that?
One of the mums catered.
Not a single drink in sight, though.
GIRL: (OUTSIDE) The one with big hair copied MY hobbies.
Everyone knows frolicking and ponies are MY thing.
Mum says they're total tent trash.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah. Find your own pageant for old spinsters.
(LAUGHS)
Hi, ladies. Hi.
Love your dress. Thank you.
I like yours, too. I like the polka dots.
So, um, were you talking about anyone in particular just now?
So, um, were you talking about Don't...think so.
Good.
(MOCK-COUGHS) Tent trash! Good.
(MOCK-COUGHS) Tent trash! (BOTH LAUGH)
(MOCK-COUGHS) Tent trash! Real queens fix each other's crowns.
We're all in this together.
You and I, we're the same. We're all in this together.
You and I, we're the same. We are not the same.
You're old and sad and you have a walking stick.
You're old and sad Why are children so unkind?
Young lady,
you are very lucky I don't believe in female-on-female violence.
you are very lucky I don't believe in So...
(BOTH LAUGH)
Good man.
These church child pageants are a lot less fun than I anticipated.
Kind of creepy vibe, if I'm honest.
Nose or butt? Gentleman's choice.
Nose or butt? Wrong answer.
You see, Kelvin, I'm a libertine.
All those puritans back home ever wanted
All those puritans back home was a tiny, joyless parcel of life
before being tipped headlong into a disappointingly shallow grave.
before being tipped headlong into That just isn't me, Kelvin.
Which is why That just isn't me, Kelvin.
Which is why the only correct answer in life
Which is why is nose AND butt.
(CYMBALS CLASH REPEATEDLY)
# All things bright and beautiful
# All creatures great and small
Fuck, I love this song! # All things wise and wonderful
Fuck, I love this song! # The Lord God made them all
# Each little flower that opens... #
We should just leave. Nup. Fuck that.
The only way to teach those tiny mean girls
The only way to teach about uplifting other women
is to get up there and wipe the floor with them.
Let's give 'em the old...
BOTH: Razzle-dazzle.
(APPLAUSE)
You really don't have to do this.
Five, six, seven, eight.
(PLAYS UP-BEAT MELODY)
# My sister and me, we do it with style
# Although we've not been done in a while... #
(AUDIENCE GASPS) Hey, Goldie.
(AUDIENCE GASPS) Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have some hanky-panky.
Mm.
Jack went... Ohhh!
Jill went... Ahhh!
BOTH: # And out popped little Frankie!
BOTH: # And out popped Ha!
# My sister and me, to be pretty blunt
# Can blow a dude's mind with one taste of our... #
YOU CAN'T... (AUDIENCE GASPS)
..say that.
Please!
Uh... Yes.
Alright. (CHUCKLES) Yeah!
Give it up for the Brewer sisters.
Brava!
More!
Extraordinary!
Oh, we've got another great ditty Extraordinary!
Oh, we've got another great ditty about a UTI.
Yeah, I don't think anyone wants to hear that.
Yeah, I don't think Well, that was enlightening.
Just...
..wonderful.
Let's wrap this shitshow up. Mm.
Glorious. Just... Just extraordinary.
Glorious. Just... I've never seen anything like it.
And, uh, the winners, obviously, are these...
And, uh, the winners, FRAN: No, no, no, no, no!
This girl! This girl is the winner!
Bianca. This girl! This girl is the winner!
Bianca. Yes, girl.
(POLITE APPLAUSE)
Congrats, B.
You won a beauty contest for kids.
I'll tell you who the real winner is today -
the patriarchy.
So... Pfft!
Mummy,
why is the tent trash being so mean?
Oh...
Women...
..should SUPPORT WOMEN!
AAAAAGGGGGH!
Gosh, I loved that!
Didn't you love that?
Drama!
This town was getting boring, but not anymore.
Let's invite those Brewer ratbags around for tea.
They could be your friends. Oh...
You're so lonely, Frangipani.
Look at you - lonely little French girl.
Oh, come, my love. Let me take you home, huh?
I feel amazing. Let's go dancing.
I wanna see some...arse!
Oh...
Being wife material's hard work.
Ugh. And so not fun.
(BOTH SCREAM)
Now you silly girls (BOTH SCREAM)
Now you silly girls have embarrassed yourselves,
Now you silly girls it's time to trot back to Sydney.
OK, well, we actually can't go back to Sydney, OK,
'cause we did something pretty... Uh! No. No. No.
I actually think we've made a great start here. OK?
I actually think we've made Everyone's obsessed with us.
All the locals just think Everyone's obsessed with us.
All the locals just think we're so sexy and cool and...
All the locals just think Just leave!
Can't you see, you need to be really fucking smart to win in this town.
And I'm afraid you don't make the grade.
And I'm afraid Mmmm...
Damn, Fran. You know me.
I never quit.
Well, I mean, you did quit that calligraphy course.
And the lockpicking course.
And Muay Thai.
We basically quit Sydney.
I got RSI from We basically quit Sydney.
I got RSI from all three of those, but...
I got RSI from Wait - where'd she go?
Full disclosure - I really wanted to win that sash and tiara.
Full disclosure - I really wanted Oh! Right?
Just to rub it in Bianca's Oh! Right?
Just to rub it in Bianca's beautiful little smug face.
Her skin is so beautiful and supple. Oh, bottle that up.
Her skin is so beautiful and supple. She's a tiny goddess.
(LIVELY MUSIC, CHATTER)
Aww! Please?
Can we have just one little drinky-poo, please?
Please? Mmm... I don't know.
Please? We're...we're classy ladies now.
It's a new life.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Remember us? We're the Brewers.
Doesn't ring a bell.
How about now?
Oh, we're the, uh... How about now?
Oh, we're the, uh... the lovable rogues
who tried to fake our way into nice society.
Oh! You're those wankers.
How'd your little pageant go? Oh! You're those wankers.
How'd your little pageant go? Oh, we crushed it.
We are now banned from any church-sanctioned events for kids.
We are now banned from any Ha! Nice!
Hey, we're going to a doof in Tent City.
Hey, we're going to a doof Wanna join?
Yes. Yes. Yes, we bloody do.
Whoop! Yes!
Whoop! Yes! Let's go!
(LIVELY MUSIC, CHATTER)
Dress is getting muddy, Miss Dead Horse Gap.
We need some rum.
I found them!
And they're super identical, and so hairy,
and they've got the keg!
(CHUCKLES) Oh!
Hey! What are we celebrating?
Me and my crazy brother got lucky today.
Holy bloody dingdong! Oh!
And, they're single. And, they love to party.
And, they're single. AND WE'RE RICH!
(CHEERING)
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
You boys are in for Whoo-hoo-hoo!
You boys are in for a wild night-slash-life
'cause you just found your one true loveseses!
Us!
Marry us!
What do you say?
Thank you, but no. Huh?
With all due respect, we're not fancy men.
We're happy here with our red blood and our blue collars.
We don't fuck with posh people.
Oh! They think we're... (LAUGHS) We're so not.
This is hilarious. No, no, no. No.
No, we are dirt poor. Yeah.
We're like actual garbage. Ask anyone.
Hey, Molly! Molly! Tell them.
Tell them that...that we're poor.
Oh, nah. Uber-posh. Yeah, rich as fuck.
Oh... (CHUCKLES)
Can I still do the keg suck? Oh... (CHUCKLES)
Can I still do the keg suck? It'd be my honour.
Thank you. Fill this baby up!
Get it, Goldie!
ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Whoo! Whoo!
(PARTY CONTINUES)
Poor people know how to...party?
(WHOOPING, SHOUTING)
Poor people know how to party!
Yes!
(UP-BEAT PIANO MELODY)
BOTH: # My sister and me
# We've got a great thirst
# We won't even let our man finish first
# My sister and me, were known 'round the traps
# For giving your husband and brother the clap
# So watch
# Your
# Men. #
(CHEERING)
ALL: Tent trash! Tent trash! Tent trash! Tent trash!
PERCY: I can't feel my legs!
Tent trash! Tent trash! Tent trash!
GERT: I thought I was just giving you the Gert-flirt workshop.
Oh, my God. That's incredibly sexy. the Gert-flirt workshop.
Oh, my God. That's incredibly sexy.
Try it a little winky this time.
I might start to consider just doing it already.
(GUNSHOTS) (ALL GASP)
Barry, what's going on? They're coming.
We're here to take your women. They're coming.
We're here to take your women.
You ladies like to party? GERT: Us?
The McCreedy Gang! Ah!
It's true! Bushrangers!
God! I feel so alive!
Shouldn't local law enforcement be...?
Sometimes I forget I'm a cop.
A bushranger is the perfect guy to help you drop your skittle.
I fucking love bushrangers! (CACKLES)
Captions by Red Bee Media
Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation