ALL: Happy Victoria Day long weekend!
- Well, bit fuckin' cold for a May long.
- May run. - May 2-4.
- Well, it's on more weekend of snow if you're out 'Berta.
- Victorias Days longs weekends is a Canada-wide statuaries
holidays in Mays where we celebrates formers
Queens of Englands, Queens Victorias.
- I knew that.
- I did not know that.
- How do I know you?
- Isn't it... Shawny?
- Correct. Of Johnny, Shawny, and Jaker.
- That's right, and you was with those other guys...
- Correct. Matty, Patty, and Blaker.
- Okay, so it was Johnny, Shawny, and...
- Jaker. - And Matty, Patty, and...
- Blaker. - Now I remember.
- I didn't forget.
- Thank you for inviting me to your May 2-4 party, Gail.
- 'Kay.
- And to everyone else, even though it's a week apart,
Happy US Memorial Day long weekend.
Formerly known as Decoration Day,
Memorial Day is a federal holiday to honor
those who died while serving the United States Armed Forces.
- Hear, hear!
MCMURRAY: [slurring] Youse didn't just start celebrating
Queen Victoria's happy birthday without us, did youse?
- Nope.
- We're toasting to fallen American soldiers.
- Now, how about youse join us for something Canadian, ya Yankee.
- Can do, so long as you don't let my granddad from Mississippi
hear you call me that.
- Queen Victoria's reign as matriarch of the British Empire
lasted from 1837 to 1901.
- That's right. Two completely different centuries.
- That's right, baby, she reigned through two of 'em cocksuckers.
- That's impressive history, Ms. Mac.
- Studying pretty much every day of the week then, eh?
- And when she reigned it poured! Queen Victoria had nine kids.
- Mm-hm, that's right, and of those nine children
they produced 42 grandchildren.
That's a lot of fuckin'!
Eight by the same dude!
- [slurring] Spoke five languages.
- Five. English, German, French, Italian, Latin,
and occasionally dabbled in Hindu.
- She dabbled in Hindu? - Mm-hm.
I imagine because at the time
she could say to her servants "Hey,
why the fuck is that dude trying to kill me again? Stab him."
Now, Prince Albert was her first cousint,
which is noteworthy,
but I'm sure it's fair to say, you know, of those nine children
and 42 grandchildren, not a one of them negatively affected.
MRS. MCMURRAY: And all this at under five feet tall, so.
- Hear, hear!
- To the Grandmother of Europe, that's what I always say!
- That's right, baby.
Johnny. - I'm Shawny.
- That's right. It was--
- Johnny, Shawny, and Jaker.
- And those other dudes were--
- Matty, Patty, and Blaker.
- Now I remember.
- What brings youse up to Letterkenny?
- Gail invited me.
- Didn't get all the way around the bases the first time.
- And to say, hey, I've got a couple American cousints who aren't
legal drinking age down stateside just yet.
I was hoping you wouldn't mind if I invited them
across border to enjoy some long weekend beverages with us,
and the luxury of your far more liberal drinking age.
- [groaning] That's the worst parts abouts Victorias Days
longs weekends, underage Americans--
- Underage down south. Completely legal up here.
- Underage Americans with their Little League fucking
bantam weight drinkin' habits.
- Always a silver lining there, big fella.
You might call it the worst part of Victoria Day,
but they call it the best part of Memorial Day.
- Hey, baby. - Mm?
- Speaking of cousints.
- Oh, shit. That's right.
Shit, speaking of first cousints,
have we's got news for youse.
- Is that right? - 'Cause we've got news for yous.
- Youse want us to go first with our newses for youses?
- Well sure and we'll follow up with our newses for youses.
- Alright, so, this May 2-4 is a very special occasion,
because my cousint Amelia and her husbandt Liam
are coming for a visit for the very first time
all the way from New Zealand!
- Is that right? - Mm-hm.
- Well, that tees up our news for youse.
- I'm on the edge of my seat. - You wanna know what?
For the very first time ever, our cousint Oliver
and his lady Piper are coming all the way up from Australia.
- [Aussie accent] Comin' all the way down from 'Straya!
- [Aussie accent] Crikey! Right from down under!
- Where they swim in the angry blue!
- Hey, throw another shrimp on the barbie?
- Ah, heaps of shrimp, mate. Heaps of shrimp.
- They call 'em prawns there actually.
- Let's get maggot!
- Oy, let's get blotto!
- Let's get trolleyed!
- Oy, let's get just fucking cunted!
- Off my tits!
- Pissed as a newt, I reckon!
- Yeah, nah, let's crack on.
- Hey, diddly dang-dang doo.
- Jeez, and we gets the gears for talkings funnies.
Whats the hells is they even saying?
- I sure fuckin' look forward to introducing our cousints
to your cousints, that's all I know.
- Tell me about it, 'cause they're neighboring countries.
- Australia's a continent.
- Well, either way,
I'm sure they're gonna get on like a house on fire.
- Oh! Maybe don't mention fire around our cousints.
They're likely a wee bit rattled from the big one.
- Your terms are acceptable.
Well, they'll get on like gangbusters then.
- Sure.
Like Canadians and Americans.
- Well, bring 'em all by. We'll share the wealth.
- For the common good. - For the Commons-wealths!
- Hear, hear!
- Hey. [gasping]
- What do ya got? - What do you got?
BOTH: Okay. So. I'll go.
- You go. - I'll go first.
- No, you go. - I'll go first.
For this years' May 2-4 weekend fireworks celebration
we've got, Jonesy...
Sprinklers.
Volcanoes.
Sparklers for the kids.
And the dagger?
Roman candles, boys.
- C'est complis?
- Yeah.
- Consumer fireworks?
[giggling] How puerile.
- Stewart. - Huh?
- How asinine. - Stewart.
- Huh?
- Milk-fed! Un-weaned! Boyish!
- There are three classes of fireworks in Canada.
And yours are class one...
BOTH: Consumer!
[both laughing]
- Innocuous. Banal. Un-disruptive.
- What do you got?
- Class two! - Display.
- High-hazard. Pernicious. Chancy.
Shells. - Boom!
- Cakes. - Oh!
Boom-boom-boom-boom boom-boom-boom-boom-boom!
[both laughing]
- Fifty-six shot double Roman Candles.
[imitating machine gun]
Good luck attracting a crowd with that débitage.
- Huh? - Raff!
Tripe! Crapola.
- Wait, you said there was a third class?
- Yeah, we said there was a third class.
- What is it?
- Irrelevant!
That's for professional use only.
Only a true virtuoso has access.
- A what? - You must be adept!
Adroit! Dexterous.
- [groaning] We get it!
You have a big volcableberry.
- Yeah, congrats on your big volcambulary,
but we just want to know what the name of the third class is called.
♪
♪ Life and... ♪
♪
♪ Death ♪
♪
♪ Death ♪
♪
♪ Death ♪
♪
- Special Effects Pyrotechnics.
My gourd, if you think it is hot out there
you should try hopping in this thing with your friend Glen.
Phew! [laughing]
Seriously, though. It sleeps two.
WOMAN: Stretch my legs.
Oh, man.
Bloody hell.
- Well, cunt of a flight Wayne-O,
but we've made it to bumfuck Timbuktu.
You got some hard yakka for us mate?
- That sounds like my cousint Oliver.
- Bloody oath. How ya goin'?
- Good 'n you? - Plaid on plaid.
- Not so bad. - Looks pretty bad to me, mate.
- And who's this Sheila?
- Oli, Oli, Oli!
- Oi, oi, oi!
Check out this little ripper.
This is my missus. Piper.
P love, these are my rellies, Wayne and Katy.
- How ya goin'? ALL: Good 'n you?
- Yeah, nah, grouse mate.
What're you guys up to this arvo?
- I think we're looking at it, P Love.
- Ah, fuck me, nice to be outta Brizzie for a bit, eh?
- She's sweet as lollies.
I told her all about you lovable cockheads.
- So, how was the trip?
- Yeah, nah, took us fuckin' 36 hours to get here, mate,
but we got on the piss and had a root.
Mile high club and that, eh?
- We had a root when we landed, too.
- I reckon I could smash an entire Chook.
- We went lookin' for a feed at Maccas.
Smash some take-away.
- But youse don't have one so we hit the servo,
see if we could find a take-away sanga or something,
but what was in there wasn't tucker.
- No tucker at all, mate.
- What the hells are they sayings?
- So, we just ended up finding a snag down from Mennonites lane.
Leftover Tim-Tam's from the plane for dessert.
- Wasn't Maccas but I won't get me knickers up me mut about it.
Hey, let's get pissed.
- Oh, I'd have a few coldies.
- I needs a nap.
- Let me put on a proper pair of dacks.
I'm in my trackie dacks and thongs here.
- He's got his budgie smugglers on underneath.
- Never leave home without 'em.
- Good enough. - We'll help you with your stuff.
- Hey, thanks for the hospitality, mate.
- Well, we're here to share the wealth.
- For the common good. - For the Commons-wealths!
- Where'd you get that suit, Glen?
- Where do you think, Roald? Fireworks school.
- There's a fireworks school?
- Only tens of thousands of them.
Any other silly questions?
[scoffing]
Well, I guess this was to be expected. Stewart.
- Glen.
- Roald.
- Quite frankly, I am crestfallen.
- By what?
- Your box of débitage.
[gasping]
Now, I know that my peers have had a question or two
about ol' Glen over the years, and I'll admit it,
I've been cagey, but, clearly,
this is not your grandmama's fire-retardant suit.
So, allow me to shed a little bit of light
onto my queer backstory.
- Finally.
- One thing I do think youse know about me is
my parents were traveling missionaries.
My earliest memory is from their first mission.
Seven years old. Down in Hell's For Certain, Kentucky
by way of Satan's Kingdom, Massachusetts.
I won the local state fair coloring competition
by employing a simple, self-taught technique.
Accentuate the existing lines with a thick colored pencil,
creating almost a frame, and shading lightly inside
those lines using the same pencil.
The judges had never seen anything like it.
They wanted me to go to art school right then and there.
- At seven years old?
- They wanted me to,
but I said, what does the Lord want?
They had no answer.
Next up, Blue Ball, Delaware by way of Bone Gap, Illinois.
Eleven years old.
My teacher watches me shootin' skeet in gym class,
calls the Army, they wanted me to go to Navy Seal school.
- Whoa.
- But I said, what does the Lord want?
They had no answer.
Finally, 17 going on 70, as my pastor used to say,
Hooker, San Diego,
by way of Big Beaver, Pennsylvania.
Some much, much younger children,
though similar to me in size,
peer pressured me into blowing a blue angel
into a pile of sawdust
at the back of my high school shop class.
I had just eaten a Mexican-style chicken tacos Lunchable
so I agreed.
Well, a flame was lit and all the children ran away.
But not Glen. No.
Like a true flamer, I stayed.
- What did you do?
- The truth is I could not run.
Those much, much younger children
had tied my shoelaces together. I was helpless.
- So then what happened then, buddy?
- I stripped the protective cover off my lathe
and used it to smother the flames.
I passed out from smoke inhalation shortly thereafter
and when I awoke there was a man standing over me,
and he said to me, he said, "Boy,
boy, I think you were born to play with fire."
- God?
- [chuckling] Heavens no.
Mr. Ament, my high school shop teacher.
That was it for me.
I signed up for fireworks school the very next day.
- That's a cool story, Glen.
- Tell me more about Bone Gap, Illinois.
- Roald. - Stewart?
- Glen. - Sinner.
- What shall we do here today?
- Well, amalgamate this débitage into something interesting.
[in deep voice]: And stand a safe eight meters back.
[coughing]
[normal voice]: Excuse me. Stand a safe eight meters back!
- Well, would you look at that!
- Out to the wop wops for a big OE, bro!
We're not in Feijoa country anymore.
- Cuzzie! - Cuzzie!
[laughing]
- How're you now?
- Here he is. Introduce yourself, bro.
- Liam.
- McMurray.
- My hubby. He's such an egg.
- This is my better half, Mrs. McMurray.
- She's such a dag. - How was the trip?
- Buggered by the end of it, but piece of piss, bro.
- Primo weather here. - Makes me miss the bach.
- We'll be back in time for a tiki tour then, bro.
We saw a chilly bin at the end of the Mennonite's drive
and peaked inside.
No hokey pokey but just choka with taffy cones.
Twenty-five cents! - Sweet as.
- Well, youse guys are just in time for a big rager
of a May 2-4 party here at the farm.
- Sweet as.
- Liam, do you like to drink cold iced beverages
in the name of Queen Victoria?
- Oh, stoked as, bro. I'd skull a beer.
- Sick as. Alright, let's get out of our jandals, grab a jumper.
- I gotta hit the dunny, love. - Rattle your dags then.
He's off to the bog to leave an offering.
Liam had a big one on the turps last night.
- It was large. Got out of hand quickly.
- Good enough.
- Bugger me, this is the fuckin' place, mate.
- Call him an ambo now, he'd be buggered.
- Bugger off. - Bugger me!
The lip on this one. - I said bugger off.
- Yeah nah, you've buggered up. Is he on the piss, mate?
- Yeah, nah, I'm dryer than a dead Dingo's donger.
- He's drier than a nun's nasty.
- Dry as a bull bum goin' uphill backwards.
- You got any Goon, mate?
- We didn't come all the way from 'Straya to drink Goon, ya drongo.
There's gotta be a slab of stubbies around though, eh?
- What the hells are they sayings?
- Oliver, ya cunt.
- Gail, ya cunt.
[both laughing]
This is me love, Piper.
- This is Johnny.
- I'm Shawny.
- T-t-t-tongue punch me fart box!
- Don't wanna start with a wristie first, mate?
- I should have told ya this cunt'd wanna root ya.
- How about a cold one and maybe later I'll show you
me map of Tassie.
- 'Kay.
- Now, speaking of shittin',
one time I had three pounds of cheese curds,
and had something come out like an ostrich egg.
I took a selfie with it and sent it to Mrs. McMurray.
[laughing] That was a good one.
ALL: Sheep shaggers.
- Who's this drongo, mate? - Who's this muppet?
- Ya daft cunt. - Oy, ya doongi.
- How'd these two find their sheep in field?
- Dunno. - Pleasant.
- How'd these two sheep fuckers stay outta jail for it, bro?
- I dunno.
- Said they were only helping it over the fence.
- You got a face like a dropped pie, mate.
- Face liked a kicked-in shit can.
- Face like a half-sucked mango.
- Face like a cat licking shit off a wheelie bin.
- Shouldn't youse be off pissing on each other?
- That's still all the rage Down Under, eh?
- Ew! That's fuckin grotty, bro.
I got a joke for you, though.
Why's it so hard to get a blow job in Australia?
- Dunno.
- 'Cause all the cocksuckers are in Whistler.
- Yeah, youse have ruined that town, bro.
- Go back to Hobbit land, ya wankers.
- Pair of fuckin' houso bogans, mate.
Fuck ya dole bludgers.
- Lick my hairy fernhole, ya fuckwit.
- You sound like a Galah and look about as bright.
- I've had a gut's full of yas.
Lick my shlong, ya bunged-up cunts.
- Anyhoo.
- Yup, like Americans and Canadians.
- What the hells are you sayings?!
- Okay, pupils.
I'll have you know that 25 meters is technically
how far you'd want to be away from a rig like this,
but, since you've been such attentive pupees,
I'm going to let you stay a little closer to the magic.
- Are you sure you know what you're doing, Glenski?
- Yes. - Yeah?
- Yes! - Yeah?
- Yes. - Yeah?
- Yes! - Test?
- Yest! I mean, yes.
- Commencing the test.
- Quick google search. And...
What is the earliest use of fireworks?
- 200 BC. The Chinese used 'em to scare off mountain men.
- Different chemical concoctions produce
different colors of fireworks. What makes red?
- Strontium and Lithium. - White?
- Titanium and Magnesium. - Blue?
- Pfft. Copper! Next.
- Resourceful, those Chinese.
- Italians were the first to introduce color
into fireworks, Stewart.
You can't pull the wool over this old goat's eyes.
- Um, can fireworks be recycled?
- No, and they're really bad for the environment,
but good news is pyrotechs are working on friendlier recipes.
- How big is the largest firework ever launched?
- About the size of Stewart's Mom's Honda.
Launched in Colorado in 2020.
It's not your car, Stewart, everyone knows that!
- She's transferring it to my name for my birthday.
- Queen Elizabeth loved fireworks so much that she created
an honorary title for the best pyri-- p-- pyro--
py-- pyro-technician in Britain. What was it called?
- Fire Master Of England.
They wanted me to be one!
- Let's stand down, gentlemen.
- About time.
We're burning daylight here, candle wasters!
- So, do youse wanna drink 'in excess'?
- I'm not one to speak ill of the dead,
but that's an overrated band, bro.
- Oh, yeah? And who's better? Crowded fuckin' House?
- Better than your AC/DC cock rock, ya cunt.
PIPER: Accadacca are pure saints, mate.
Heard they might even play the benefit concert
to try and give New Zealand a chance
to put their sewers underground.
- Fuck, that's kind of them. We were getting sick of shoving
our shit straight to Brisbane. "Truly, madly, deeply,"
I'd rather listen to my munted uncle bang a jandal
on a chilly bin than listen to Savage Garden.
- All youse bang is Shepherd's Pie, sheep fucker.
- Hey, at least we don't piss on 'em, bro.
'Cause everyone knows Aussie boys love pissin' on Sheilas.
- We could rark youse up all day, bro.
- Who wants an Australian kiss?
- A what?
- It's like a French kiss, but down unda'.
- Me, please.
- You got a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock,
you silly derros. - Chur, chur, ya jafa.
Tame your Impala, bro.
- Go back to Summer Heights High, you dumb cunts.
- You're just jealous 'cause that show achieved perfection
in one season, while it took Flight of the Conchords two?
- I could crack the shits with youse all day,
but I can see you can't hack it.
Go home, ya sheep shaggers.
- We've tramped all the way here, bro.
Don't think we'd take a tiki tour now, do ya?
- You're so far up yourselves, ya arse lickers.
Go eat some hot chips.
- You're a hard case, bro.
but if there's hot chips, I'll bring a plate.
- Fuck off, ya bludger cunt!
- Can't stand the heat, get outta the kitchen.
- Oh, we can stand it, bro.
Have youse forgotten we were right beside you that time
your continent burned for months on end?
SHAWNY: Cousints!
[laughing]
- [Valley Girl accent]: Oh, my God,
I'm, like, jonesing for some alcohol.
- I love alcohol.
COUSINT 1: Like, where's the alcohol?
- I know, I'm so antsy.
- Like I can't even.
COUSINT 2: I know. I can't even, it's cray.
I seriously need alcohol though.
- No, like, I literally need it.
ALL: Yanks.
- Could slag you all day, bro.
- Love a good sledge, ya slags.
- All week if it came down to it, bro.
- All week and a week, ya fucked-up cunt.
- But, like, there's Yanks here, bro.
- We kinda maybe gotta get at those knobs, mate.
- We should be rarkin 'em up right now.
Could be a good story for the fellas back home
to say we drank some yanks under the table.
- Spin a yarn for me, mates.
- Throw another shrimp on the barbie!
- Before a dingo eats your baby!
[all laughing]
- That actually happened though, mate.
- We know, bro.
It wasn't funny.
- A lot of people upset about that one, yeah.
- That's why we didn't make the joke, bro,
we figured if the joke was to be made,
you should be the one to make it.
- National tragedy and all that.
ANZAC spirit!
Let's take the piss out of some yanks!
♪ Wake up in the morning to a slap in the face ♪
♪ Get up and out of bed just to wash off the plates ♪
♪ It's a stinker and I'm feeling wide awake ♪
♪ Call up Benny go 'round to his place ♪
♪ I got twenty-four beers and a couple of mates ♪
♪ It's the weekend and I'm getting off my face ♪
♪
♪ We don't get useful heat up here... ♪
- [Aussie accent] Feels like I spent an entire day
down in 'Straya!
- [Aussie accent] Crikey! Right from Down Under!
- Where they swim in the angry blue!
- Throw another shrimp on the barbie?
- Heaps of shrimp, mate. Heaps of shrimp.
- They call 'em prawns there.
- Well, diddly ding-dang doo.
- Now, who woulda thunk they'd have gone at each other like that?
- Mightn't be a bad idea to crack open a book
the odd time, McMurray.
- No one dids! - I did.
- Did yas? - No, I'm just kiddin' around.
- Maybe they'll all hangs out with each others
when they gets back home,
being from neighboring countries and whatnots.
- Australia is a continent.
- Crazier things have happened.
- Diddly ding-dang doo.
- Did you guys know that Glen's a pyro-teckletician?
Betcha didn't.
- Betcha didn't know Glen's been to Big Beaver.
- Wouldn't have guessed.
- So, how'd you like being pupils, Stewart?
- Whoa, your pupils, Roald.
- Your pupils, Stewart.
- Light show. Now.
- Phew.
Alright, everybody. The barge is hot.
The show begins whenever I press this little red button.
- Where'd you learn how to do all this stuff, Glen?
- Where do you think, Wayne? Fireworks school!
Alright, now.
Let's share the wealth.
- For the common good.
- For the Commons-wealths!
- Hear, hear!
[fireworks exploding]
♪ We just learn to put up with it ♪
♪ We don't get useful heat up here ♪
♪ Fuck it ♪
♪
♪ We don't get useful heat up here ♪
♪ We just learn to put up with it ♪
♪ We don't get useful heat up here ♪
♪ We learn to fucking live with it ♪
♪ Sun is out, it's a beautiful day ♪
♪ Watching the sweat dripping off of my face ♪
♪ It's a stinker ♪
♪ The sort of heat you can taste ♪
♪ Wake up in the hour to a kick in the face ♪
♪ There's piss, shit, and blood all over the place ♪
♪ It's a pigsty ♪
♪ It's a bloody disgrace ♪
♪ We don't get useful heat up here ♪
♪ We just learn to put up with it... ♪