Being an adult is80% misery.
[Whimsical tune plays]
I think you're at 80.
I'm at 30.
[Clinking]
I do think the pressmay pick up the poem,
[Snickers]once they hear it.
He abandoned us.
He abandoned you.
Now, he's moving back.
They want me to make a listof people to fire.
They were concernedthat you might panic,
but I said, "No!They're all adults."
Railton is just a townthat can suck you in.
Are you tryingto get me to leave?
[ "Won't You Tell Your Dreams?"by Lee Hazelwood playing]
* Da, da...da, da, da, da, da *
* I've learned to dosome simple things *
* Like lock the door
* And shut the lights
[Young Hank's parents arguing]
* And pay the paperboyon time *
* And try and miss youless each night *
[parents arguing]
* So please won't youtell your dreams... *
[clock chiming]
* ...To leave my room alone?
[clock chiming]
* Please won't youtell your dreams *
* To leave my room alone?
[clock chiming]
* Da, da...da, da, da, da, da *
* Da, da...da, da, da, da, da... *
* Da, da...da, da, da, da, da *
* Da, da...da, da, da, da, da... *
[groans]
[**]
[phone ringing]
Tom, this isn't a good time.
You got it!
What do you mean?You said that--
I know,but they loved you, Lil.
They want you to startas soon as you can.
Okay. Slow down.
I didn't say I could take this.You know that.
I know that,
but this is a great school,
and you'd love it here.
You had all these ideasabout education back in school.
We'll do them here,and you know it will be funded.
[door opens]
Okay. I have to go.
Talk to Hank, and then come.
You deserve this.
Okay. Thank you. Bye.
Hey.
Hi.
I was just looking atthe grandfather clock out there,
in the pod.
It's a nice piece.
Your father's clock?
The clock that I possesson my property.
When is that pod going?
I'm going to keep the clock.
You want it in the house?
That piece is different.
I always thoughtof it as a friend.
Oh. That's sweet.
Hey, we're missingtwo settings.
We are not.
Well, how many are we?
Um...
Billie, Gracie,
Teddy, June,
Rourke, Joanie, Emma.
I'm missing someone.
Finny, and us.
You know, one time,
we should throw a dinner partyfor people we actually like.
You know, change of pace.
Do you remember
when you accidentally made punchwith 151-proof rum,
and Gracie fell asleepunder the table?
That was fun.
Although with the budget cuts,I don't know.
This year might be grim.
Ten water glasses.
You know, tonight is aboutlowering expectations.
That way, we might bepleasantly surprised.
That was almost optimism.
No, No, no.
I know what's going to happen.
One of these bozosis going to break down crying.
It happens every year.
And then...
another bozo will reveal
something embarrassingand personal,
and we're all left sitting therestaring at each other,
wondering what the hell'sgoing on?
All right.
Eyes wide open.
When did you checkthe stew last?
[doorbell rings]
Okay, eight minutes early.
That'll be the Washington-Chens.
- Shall we?- [phone ringing]
Oh, I have to take this.I'll just be a minute.
Hey, Ash.
I wonderwho does their landscaping.
This is-- this iswhat chair money gets you, huh?
I guess so.
Hey!
- Hey!- Hi. How are you?
Right in there,yeah, yeah.
No, I need your helpwith something.
Oh. Oh. Um...
Hi.
[Ashley]You're coming to New York!
Oh, no.
No. It's just an offer.I'm not taking it.
I can't. There's just--
You know, there's justtoo many obstacles.
Oh. But you want to, right?
I mean...
if there wasno other considerations,
then of course I want to.
Oh. Hmm. Is Hank madabout what happened?
Nothing happened.
Oh, you didn't tell him.
Nothing happened.
Well, look, no, right.
I wouldn't have toldmy husband either.
Come on.
Look, he surprised me.
I was on the phone,I wasn't even paying attention.
It was nothing.
It looks heavy.
You can't see weight.
What if we drop it?
Don't let go with your hands,and we won't drop it.
No! No! Put it down!Put it down!
Put it down. Put it down!
What happened?
I panicked.
I can't leave it out here.It's going to rain.
Yeah. Sorry, Hank.
My brass band plays Sunday,
and, you know, the French horn,
it's much morelatissimus-centric
than most people think.
I can't risk a strain.
Oh, Lil. I can't waitfor your ass to get here.
I mean, I'm not as eageras Tom or anything.
I mean, that guy's,like, drooling for you.
- Okay, stop it.- [door closes]
Okay, I gotta go.
Make yourself something. I--
- Was it Teddy and June?- Yeah.
Are you okay?
I got the job.The Arlyle job.
You did?That's amazing!
I mean, of course you did.
You're amazing.
- I'm so proud of you.- Thank you.
I really didn'texpect to get it.
Is it a good offer?
Did you talk specifics?
- We didn't get into it.- Yeah.
It's an offer.
Fantastic news.
Oh...
talk about leverage, right?
You are going to bringEast Railton High to its knees.
You're going to getso many cleaning supplies,
they're going to give youyour own closet.
Right?
Yeah, totally.
I'm going to bequeen of that place.
[**]
Hello.
Hey.
- Welcome.- Thank you.
Uh, Lily?
She's rightin the kitchen. Yeah.
Okay. Thanks.
Now, before you come in,
could you help mewith something?
Just that.
Oh! Oh! Would you like meto also bust up a chifforobe?
I'm not your moving company.
[ "Y Sin Embargo Tú Estabas Ahí"by Pippo Spera playing]
[Hank, thinking] Why do peoplemy age have parties?
I mean, I get itwhen you're in your 20s,
and it's all about getting laid,
but what's in it for us?
I think it's the same reasonpeople gamble.
The thrill of possibility.
The roll of the die.
Right before the party,
where you think, "What if?
What if I havea good conversation?
What ifa real friendship emerges?
What if Penelope Cruz's carbreaks down outside
and she needsto stay for dinner?"
But then the party starts.
The die is cast,and everybody is a loser.
[in French]* ...Par la fenêtre ouverte *
* Posaitsur ton corps dénudé... *
Why don't we havea view of the lake?
Paul.
- Not again.- What?
I shouldn't have this?
It's not the Mediterranean.
It's a modest lakein Pennsylvania.
I can't have a view of it?
Well, I'm very happywhere we live.
All right,but you'd be happier here.
Hmm?
Right?
See?
This is some bullshit.
This place should be mine.
Did I tell you I outbid himby ten grand?
Yeah, like a hundred times.
And you also told me
how you showed up herewith a builder
and told that old manthat was selling the place
that you were goingto tear down his childhood home.
Yeah, well,this place was a dump.
Still is.
You know, I bet Hankdoesn't even know what he has.
But if it was mine,
I would clear this pathso you could get to the lake.
Build my deck out.
Lily.
Oh, hi.
It's been so long.
- I know.- Thanks for doing this.
Thank you for being here.
This is fun.
Hank mentioned you, uh,had an interview at Arlyle.
He did?
Oh, I forgethe talks about me sometimes.
I know that school.
They're a hugea cappella feeder.
Five of the 14 Whiffenpoofs.
Oh, I didn't know.
Yeah.
So?
How'd it go?
It went very well.
Um, I have an offer, actually.
Um, but, you know,
it's very complicatedright now, so.
But you're taking it,though, right?
No.
Are you crazy?
I mean, um...
why not?
Well, I can't take a jobin New York right now.
Oh...
That's too bad.
Well, congratulations anyway.
Thanks.
Excuse me.
[Emma] So if I taste it,
it's not like a stroke,it's actually in there.
Yeah, it's not artificial rust,it's real.
[Teddy] Oh, okay.
Real prepared rust.
Great. Perfect.
[Teddy] Okay.
Yeah, and it is just...
Oh, we're stilltalking about this.
...such a magnificent animal.
I actually like going
to the school playsof my friends' children.
That's gross.
No. The bottomless needfor attention,
it's not yet ugly,
unlike adult actors.
Doesn't a bottomlessneed for attention
make you feel at home?
Why would I think that tonightwould be any different?
I don't know.
You can take the assholeout of the English department,
but you can't take--
No. It's not goingto make sense.
Hold on.
You can't takethe English department out of--
Nope.
They can traceits lineage back to 1882.
Whoa.
I can't do thatwith my own family.
Well, they hate you, so.
No. Now, if Junedoesn't give me a baby
by next year,
I'm getting two.
That's not how babies work.
I'm throwing awayher stupid, little cat-dogs.
Oh, okay.
You won't believewhat I just heard.
Lily got a job offerat the Arlyle School,
and she's not taking it.
- You mean she's taking it.- Right?
I mean, she has to take it.
[clears throat]
You know,
if the university really wantedto help with department morale,
they'd give us a stipendto keep us apart.
[Lily chuckles]
Well, maybewe should take the job.
We'd have a whole new setof circumstances
to complain about.
Yeah, that's true.
And there's New York, of course.
You're not serious, are you?
Maybe I am.
Yeah, but we alreadytalked about this.
Only in theory.
There was no offer before, so.
It's real now.
- [Gracie] You heard about that.- [Billie] Shenanigan.
Yeah. All right.
Well, um...
maybe we should havethis conversation
when we're hostinga bigger event,
like a wedding, or a parade.
[Lily chuckles]
Okay. You're right.We'll talk about it later.
Well, sure,
[**]
Oh, hey, guys.
Hi. Yeah.
Ah.
You didn't mentiona department dinner party.
I did not.I wanted you to come over.
Drink?
I think something stronger.
Hello.June, is it?
Tony. We've meta couple of times.
Of course.
Hi.
Did I see you're givinga talk on The Hunger Games ?
As it relatesto the gladiatorial ludi.
I'm doing a seminaron the literature of antiquity.
What a perfect wayto liven it up.
These kids and their bloodlust.
[June] Mm-hmm.
You know,they also respond to sex.
Oh?
[June] Yeah.
I show them everything they knowabout eroticism in storytelling
can be traced backto the etchings on the pyramids.
In fact,
the very first Egyptian god--
- Atum.- Atum, that's right.
He created himself,
but he had no wife,
so in orderto beget his children,
Shu and Tefnut,
he masturbated.
Good for him,
but from my own experiencewith masturbation,
I'm only hearing half the story.
Does your husband teachsimilar subject matter?
Oh, no.
No. He doesn't get to showhis students Caligula, either.
- [Tony] And you do?- [June] Yeah.
[Tony] Wow.
I wish I had some relevant porn
to help my studentsconnect to philosophy,
but it's tough to rely ontheir attention spans.
- So tough.- Right?
Well, you shouldcome to my talk.
I will.
It's a date.
Okay.
Great.
- You can have her, you know.- What?
They have an open marriage.
Interesting.
So what are the ethicsof this situation?
Do I just hit ona married woman
in front of her husbandwithout feeling badly?
Is that how this works?
No. There'sa whole protocol involved.
How do you know this?
Teddy has the hotsfor Lily, but--
Let's put it down.
...June vetoed it.
You know, don't sleepwith the boss' wife.
I'm letting him thinkthat's the only obstacle.
All right.Good to go?
Lily can't get the dreamof moving to New York
out of her head.
It's a 20-year fantasy.
Well, if she wantsto go so bad,
why aren't you guysthere already?
Because it's a fantasy.
She doesn't really want to go.
Is that what you want?
Are you kidding me?What do I want?
How the hell do I knowwhat I want?
[Finny] Gentlemen.
Oh.
Is this the same bottle of wine
that we've been givingeach other since you got tenure?
The one and the same.
Aw, that is so sweet.
I'll take it inside.
You know, I got this--
Good?
I should have been a surgeon.
- Yes. There we go.- Oh, missed that.
[Finny] ...like redundancy...
[grandfather clock ticking]
[indistinct party conversationcontinues]
[**]
Wow. Look at this feast.
I've got to be carefulnot to have too much stew.
Yeah. Watch your mouth.
Yeah. Hmm.
So, Lil.
Congratulations on the job.
Oh, June's been talking.
[chuckling]
Well, it sounds likean opportunity
too impossible to pass up.
- Thank you, Paul.- Right?
Well, listen, guys, um,
if you're headed to New York,
I'm still interestedin this place.
[Lily] You're still--We've lived here for 18 years.
18?
No one should livein the same place for 18 years.
We'll keep that in mind.
We're not going anywhere.
[Rourke] All right. All right.
All right. Yeah.
Um, but, you know,I'll make you a nice offer.
Ah. Got it.
I'll go 5% over market value.
Honey, they said no.
You'll need every pennyin New York.
Those places are for real.
Yeah, butwe're not selling, right?
Just because you getan offer for something
doesn't mean that you have to--
Wait. Wait. Wait, wait.
We were going to talkabout it later, right?
So we'll get back to you.
Wha-- Wait. What?
- [glass shattering]- Whoa! Cosmo down!
Here I come.
[**]
Hey, June.
Tony.
I heard that you--
What?
Well, uh, what did I hear?
What was it?
That-- What are you into?What's your jam?
What is my jam?
Um, uh, we hike, a lot.
Mm, no.
That wasn't it.
[Teddy] Hey.
Hey. Hi.
That's your husband, right here.
[June] There you go.
There he is,and that's his drink,
so that's great.
Um, we were just talkingabout hiking,
and, um, if you hadany great routes,
or other interests
completely differentfrom hiking.
I'm super interested in all--
Let's just stick to hiking,because that's a great--
Oh. No, yeah.Yeah, yeah.
We took a great hikethrough Jasper Park.
- Jasper.- Yeah, yeah.
Enter inthrough the south side,
and keep takingthe center trail.
Great.
- Yeah. It's beautiful.- Oh, yeah, great.
Um, and when you do hiking...
do you--
is it justthe two of you hiking?
When you hike...
together?
Or sometimes, like,you hike separately.
Or is there, like, a club?
Do you go--
Do you do hikingwith other hikers and people?
Are you asking us out?
June. Just June.
You didn't have to pretend
you were interestedin our hiking routes.
Sorry.Although I am a hiker myself,
and appreciate suggestions.
Hey. Can I ask you something?
Hmm?
Do you thinkLily's going to take that job?
Yeah.
Oh, I thought--Um, I don't know.
Um, maybe?
She wants to.
I thought for sureshe'd take it.
Yeah. It's the opportunityof a lifetime.
Why wouldn't she, right?
Yeah. So the conversationwe were having before this one--
Yeah. You were flirtingwith my wife.
Yeah.
So, did I cross a boundary,
or am I within the framework?
And if so, are we talkingsomething happening?
Because that would bepretty fantastic.
We'll get back to you.
Okay.
Fair enough.
Good, well, good.
I look forwardto your response.
- Cheers.- Don't do that.
Did he just bowbecause I'm Asian?
I think that was a bow, yeah.
[Finny] I love Jack Nicholsonin Chinatown.
And, you know,
Faye Dunaway is so beautifulin that movie.
[Emma] Oh, my gosh, I know.
[Finny] I could justwatch her for... forever.
[Emma] So tragic.
[Finny] Yeah. I mean, I could--
I could watch her readthe telephone book because...
- Who couldn't?- ...she's so delightful.
Do you knowthat Robert Towne
didn't even wantthe last line to be,
"Forget it, Jake,it's Chinatown."
- That's the best line.- It's the best line!
Did you guys ever finishyour argument about Pinocchio ?
[chuckles]
Well, "argument"is a little strong.
Interpretation is,by its nature,
a bit of a sticky wicket.
What were the issues again?
Oh, yeah. It's racist,
and it's filled with allusionsto child slavery
and demented Christian ideology.
Yeah, except it's not.
[Gracie screaming]
I'm being publishedin The Atlantic !
Oh.
They're--They're publishing me!
That's wonderful.
Congratulations.
That's--
Yeah, so are you okay?
[Rourke] Yay.
[Gracie shrieking]
- Wonderful.- [shrieks]
[applauding]
[shrieks]
[gasps]
I need a minute.
[shrieks]
[Hank, thinking]I've never been that excited
about anythingin my entire life.
Yay, Gracie.
That includes my wedding,
the birth of my child,
and my first orgasm.
Is that for real?
Can you imagine that in bed?
[Hank] I'm cancelingmy subscription to The Atlantic .
[Rourke] Yeah.
[Gracie screaming]
[Hank, thinking]A billion dollars
could fall on top of me,
and, you know,toss in world peace,
and my reactionwould be, "Good."
Gracie!
Gracie! Gracie!
There's eithersomething wrong with her,
or me,
or, with overwhelming odds,
humanity in general.
[whispers] I did it, Daddy.
Yes!
[screams]
[phone buzzes]
[indistinct party conversationcontinues]
...I mean, I had, like,
one and a halftequila sunrises by then.
I wasn't inthe best position to...
[Hank, reading]"Hey, Ash told me
she said thatI'm 'jizzing' for you.
You're married.I get it.
I'm sorrya thousand times again
for you know what.
Please know that,as you make this decision,
don't think that
I'm going to just be makingconstant passes at you.
This is just the job, I swear."
Check your texts.
Okay. This is silly.
I mean, it's not--
It's somethingthat I need to tell you,
but it's nothing.
It's like--It's less than nothing.
I'm listening.
Okay. So in New York, Tom--You know, he tried to kiss me.
Or, I mean, he did kiss me.
I pushed him away.I got really mad at him.
He said that he was joking,which I'm sure that he was.
I just don't knowwhere his head was fully.
That does sound like nothing,
so let's just forget about it.
Okay. Thank you.
I'm sorry that I didn'ttell you when I got home.
[cell phone timer ringing]
The stew's ready.
[indistinct party conversationcontinues]
It's certainly understood
that the first poemin The Atlantic
is nothing morethan an amuse-bouche,
but to be offered page 72,
an early part of the magazine,
I was thrilled already,
but when I found outthat I was the second poem--
- Stew?- ...or anything after 60...
page 14, page 97...
that's where Billy Preston was--
[Rourke] This can't happen.She should have her own place.
She's my mother.
- [Joanie] Why not?- You can't do that with mothers.
- Stew?- [Rourke] Yes.
She can't switch houses.
House, house, house.
The woman can't stay with us.
- Stew?- Is that plate for June?
I can serve June.
[Teddy] That's okay.
[indistinct party conversationcontinues]
- ..donkey-headed boys...- Stew?
...are a metaphorfor child slavery.
[brays like a donkey]
I brokeyour damn toilet, Spanky.
Serve yourself.
[**]
[Hank, thinking ] She loves me.It's just a job.
She loves me.It's just a job.
We can work it out.
We will work it out.
[**]
Hey, Julie.
Uh, yeah.Something is wrong.
It's Mom.
[indistinct party conversationcontinues]
...all covered in cheese.
I mean, I would say I'm--
[indistinct party conversationcontinues]
[chiming against glass]
Hey, everyone.
Thank you for coming.
Every year,
the university gives usa small budget to get together,
which is very kind of them.
Or cruel,depending on the year.
[laughing]
This year, it's kind,
because, um,
I get a chance to sayin front of people
how proud I am of my wife.
Lily gotan amazing job opportunity
at a very respected schoolin New York.
Many of you already know.
It's wonderful,
and I just wanted to, uh,show her my appreciation.
To Lily.
- To Lily!- To Lily!
Thank you.I appreciate that.
It's somethingI'm very excited about, so.
- As well you should be.- So, what about the house, then?
It's an incredible--
[Billie] Wait a second.Wait a second.
Like, she got the job,and he's going?
Spanky's going to New York?
[Hank] It's not your concern.
Well, it does affect usquite a bit.
- Does it?- How so?
You know exactly how so,you twits.
Well, we haven't madea decision,
so it's not goingto affect you tonight.
[Gracie] Oh, come on, Hank.You have to go.
A path has opened up for Lily.
It's just...
It happened for a reason.
[Billie] How can they take it?
Hank's qualified for nothing.
What's he gonna do?
Play sax in the subway?
[laughing]
Thank you, Billie.
[Rourke] He's a writer.
He can go to one of thosestupid coffee shops
and be one of those cliches,you know.
He'd love that.
That sounds nice.
Yeah, it does sound nice.
No, actually.
Well, the poem that I wrote,
the one that's coming outin The Atlantic ?
"The Seven Sisters of Tobias".
I wrote that in the city.
I'm just--I'm so stimulated there.
You can take a walkon the High Line,
or just strollthrough the Village
with the ghostof Allen Ginsberg.
Have you ever been to New York?
Hank, if you were to leavein the middle of term,
would the Chair just goto the next person in rotation,
or would we have to take a vote?
- That's a great question. Yeah.- How would that work?
How's everyone likingthe stew tonight?
I ground my own paprika.
Oh, it's very good.Yeah, delicious.
That's good. Yeah.
It tastes the same.
[door opening]
Hi, everyone.
- Hey.- Oh, hey.
Hi, Julie.
Um, can I talk to you?
Now? Like, right now?
Yeah.
Okay.
[door closes]
- Do you want more?- Yes, please.
Anybody want a refresher?
- Yes.- Yeah.
[Hank] No.
Okay, so, um, how are we--
how are we doing?
How we doin', you know?How are we doing?
[indistinct conversation]
Uh, do you guys, like, after,do you talk about it?
Like, what was touchedand untouched?
I would cool it down a bit.
Teddy doesn't likedesperate men for me.
Jesus. Desperate?
[Gracie] Hank.
Hank?
I think we need an answerto June's question.
It's only fair.
[sighs]
Ask Emma.
What? Why am I the only onewho has read the bylaws?
It's, like, three pages.
No. You know what?I'm not telling you.
[June] Emma, please.We need to know.
[Gracie] Emma, those area very difficult three pages.
It's very dry stuff.
Oh, god.All right. Fine.
If the chairneeds to leave his position
due to force majeure,
the position goes into rotationand no vote is needed.
- Force majeure?- Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Since when is moving to New Yorkan act of God?
[Teddy]A job at the Arlyle School
is an act of God.
Do you know five ofthe 14 Whiffenpoofs went there?
That's a lot of Whiffenpoofs.
* Whiffenpoofs...
- * Whiffenpoo--- * Whiffenpoo--
* Whiffenpoofs...
You're all doing my note.
[all harmonizing]
Please stop doing this...
Please stop doing this.
Where in New Yorkdo you think you'd want to live?
Well, actually,I've thought about this.
We love Brooklyn,
particularly Greenpointand Williamsburg.
- Oh, yes.- Right?
Um, of course,
my commute would be much betterfrom the Upper West Side,
but we'd probablynever be able to afford that.
Well, you could if you...
* ...Sell me your place!
* You couldsell me your place! *
* Come onand sell me your place! *
I hate itwhen you get like this.
Listen.
Selling you this place
would barely coverthe downpayment
on a place in New York.
[Lily] They did mentiona moving stipend,
but you're right, Paul.
We could use some extra money.
And, um, the good news is
that we also own the plotright next to ours.
Also not for sale.
[Lily] I'd be very interestedin an offer, Paul.
[Rourke]Is it a large plot?
Is it larger than this one?
For God's sake.What is wrong with you?
Can you ever be happywith what is?
She'll cool off.
Hey, Hank.
I'll give you 10%over market value.
[Hank] It's not for saleany time soon.
Well, I just had
a very interesting conversationwith our daughter,
and she says that, um,she's coming with me.
[Gracie] Oh!
She and her husbandhave flexible work situations.
Oh, that's nice.
And she mentionedthat you, Hank,
recently suggested
that she move to a citywith more opportunities.
Oh, there you go.
I guess we're going to needa bigger place.
[Rourke] Well, this sounds likegood news all around.
Win-win-win.
No, no, no.
Look. Look.
We're not making a decisionright here,
not with this group.
So let's go back
to our usualawful, awkward conversation
that we're all so good at.
[laughing]
All right?
Because nothing is happening.
But something is happening.
Well, nothing's happeningright now.
Julie just happened right now.
It appears that the situationis evolving in real time.
Julie isn't going anywhere.
That's not up to you, is it?
I'm not going.
I'm...
...going to stay here,
even if you go.
Okay?
So how's thatfor a decision made right now?
Hank, you know what,I think I can taste the paprika.
It's much fresher.
- Yeah, it's a fresher taste.- Yeah.
Hits you more, yeah.
- Let's play a game.- Oh, yes!
That's a great idea!
Do you remember how we usedto all play Celebrity?
I'll certainly never forget
the time that Paul didn't knowwho Andrea Dworkin was.
[laughing]
Lily, where do you keepthe pencils and the paper?
No. This game is called"Percentage Of Happiness".
[Gracie] Oh!
Goodness.
I do not thinkthat I know that game.
I think I playedthat game once.
I was at a book readingwith Johnny Franzen--
It's a really simple game.
So, how you play isyou answer this question--
"What percentageof happiness am I?"
[Gracie] Oh.
And, "What percentageof happiness is so low
that you should be willingto make a change?"
[Gracie] Oh.
We'll just go around the room.
Gracie, do you wantto kick us off?
Oh. Um, yes. Okay.
Um, well, um,
as you know,I'm having a very good day,
so I think I would, um--
Oh, I-- I would put myselfat, um, oh...
95% happiness!
Wow.
And when would I make a change?
Um, oh, I don't know.
Um--
Would you just--
60%!
Yeah, 60%.
60%.
All right.I would, uh--
[Lily] That's very interesting.What about you, Hank?
Oh, wait.Actually, I already know
the answerto the first question.
You told me a while ago.
I believe it was 20.
You are 20% happy.
Oh.
That does soundpretty low, Spanky.
- No, that's high for him.- That does sound like Hank.
[Lily] So question number two--
what percentagewould you have to drop down to
in order to make a change?
10?
Or...
zero?
[**]
[indistinct party conversation]
A little wine, hey?
Or no?
You know, guys.
I've been thinking about it,
and I think this just isn't me.
For no real reason.
It was fun imaginingwhat might be,
but I'm going to have torespectfully bow out.
Oh. Are you sure?
Oh, come on.
[**]
Honey...
sorry I brought Julie into this.
It was childish of me.
I didn't handle it well.
No, you didn't.
You take that great job,
and I'll keep my shitty job.
You come out here when you can,
and I'll go into the city,
make it work.
[**]
"Marriage is sweeter,sweeter than you think, think."
- [Gracie] Anne Waldman.- [Finny] Indeed.
- "Stereo".- Mm-hmm.
Very nice.
You know, there wasa period of time
where Teddy and Iwere long distance,
and it actuallystrengthened our marriage.
Yeah.
That's nice to hear.
We developeda different foundation
for our own unique relationship,
and it made uscloser than before.
[Teddy]Best decision we ever made.
[June] Best decision.
I mean, there are daysI want to punch him in the face.
Don't get me wrong.
[laughing]
When I go on about my research.
Funny story.
You want to hear a story?
I have the best
long-distance relationshipstory ever.
And don't worry.
It's not about mewanting your house.
[laughing]
I've mentionedmy first wife, Barbara, right?
Uh, God rest her soul.
Well, she and I met in college,
freshman year,
and it was just supposed to beone of those hook-ups.
Damn, she was fine.
Yeah. We went to her roomthat first night,
and guess what?
I never left.
I, uh, spent my freshman yearsharing a single bed with her.
She was the onewho introduced me to poetry.
Oh.
We would, uh,recite Blake to each other.
We never spent one night apartfor all four years of college,
and we got married right after.
Had a destination weddinglike a couple of jerks.
Tuscany, for God's sakes.
Well, we didn't get intothe same Ph.D. program, though.
The closestwe could get to each other
was a 12-hour drive.
I went to Chapel Hilland she went to Chicago.
And I just remembermissing her so much
that I decided to go visit herthat first weekend.
I didn't have a car,
so I decidedto put up some flyers
to get a ride,
and I got one from this woman
who was visitingthis guy down there,
and we talk in the car...
and it is...
the most interesting,brilliant ride of my life.
Everything she says.
She made the trip feel likea hot-air balloon ride.
[Gracie] Ooh.
I thought I knew what love was,
but I was just learning.
I thought I had found my person,
but I was fooling myself.
She dropped me off at Barbara's.
I took one look at her,
and I...
I asked for a divorce.
Now that I knewwhat love really felt like...
I had to.
I went back outside.
I didn't knowhow I was going to find her,
but guess who was still therein the car, waiting.
- Yes!- Come on.
We've been together ever since.
Yes.
Quite a story.
That's a divorce story.
[Billie]You should go with her, Spanky.
Before she finds her Joanie.
I already found my Joanie.
You never really knowabout people.
No.
I know my wife.
I know Lily.
We don't have secrets.
We tell each other everythingright away.
That's right. We do.
Where does Tom live again?
Mm.
I think he lives in Greenpoint.
Who's Tom?
Uh, he's Lily's old boyfriend.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
[Emma] Since we're talkingabout this again,
I actually have a friendwho lives in the East Village
who might be lookingfor a roommate.
She's super cool.
She's an adjunct at NYU.
That sounds really interesting.
I'd like to talk to her.
Okay.
Or you could justlive with Tom.
I don't want to live with Tom.
Well, it's just an idea.
Just a suggestion.
Where is the school exactly?
- It's in the west 40s.- Oh.
Do you haveany old boyfriends there?
Okay. Let's go.
- Let's go into the kitchen.- [Hank] My kitchen?
How is Tom's wife, by the way?
[Lily]They're separated, actually.
[Hank] Oh! Really?
Come with me.Right now.
You know, I'm not going.
No one's keeping youhere, Hank,
so why don't yougo ahead and--
Hank.
Go. Support your wife.
Are you going to vote me out?
That worked real welllast time you tried.
Easy, Spanky.
[Hank] Easy? If I go,he's next on the rotation.
So who are they goingto get rid of?
[Rourke] Hey. Nobody'sgetting rid of anybody.
[Hank] Yeah.
Dickie Pope will havehis redundancy,
so who's it going to be?
Gun to your head,pick one right now!
I'm not playing this game.
The game of havingtwo poetry professors?
I was just published!
This is not the place for this.
Maybe we shouldjust change topics.
June is very wise.
Why aren't youcoming with me?
My life is here!
[Lily] Your life could move.
My mom is here.
You aren't talking to her.
Julie is here.
Julie is a grown woman that--
I am here!
Okay?
I've stayed. I'm here.
Look. You might notbe coming with me,
but you are not here either.
[grandfather clock chiming]
Why do you wantto leave me so badly?
How hard is itfor you to understand
that this is not about you?
[Hank]Leaving me isn't about me?
[chiming]
Going to New York for a job?
[chiming]
It isn't about me?
[chiming]
[Hank, in past]It doesn't matter.
[Laurel, in past] What do youmean it doesn't matter?
Tell me? What is it?What can we do to make you stay?
[Hank, in past]Nothing. Nothing at all.
[ "You Won't Be Satisfied"by Ella Fitzgerald playing]
[**]
* Oh, you won't be satisfied
* Until you break my heart
* You're never satisfied
* Until the teardrops start
* I tried to shower youwith love and kisses *
* Oh, you won't be satisfieduntil you break my heart *
* No, you won't be satisfieduntil you break my heart *
* You're never satisfieduntil the teardrops start... *
[Young Hank gasping]
* I tried to shower youwith love and kisses, baby *
[**]
* All I ever get from you...
Laurel!
* ...Is naggin' and braggin'
- * My poor heart is saggin'...- Just go. Just go.
Come on, man.
[Hank] I'm fine. I'm fine.
* I'll bet you wouldn't like itif I did the same... *
Lily made cookies.
Oh, God!
* You're only happy tearin'all my dreams apart... *
Celebrity, right?Celebrity.
Celebrity.
Peter Fonda!
It's just a wild guess.
Easy Rider ?
Who wants to drive me home?
- I'll drive you home.- Okay.
Good night.
Thank you.
- Good night.- Good night.
[**]
Teddy.
He'll be backto how he always is tomorrow.
Okay? Tomorrow.
Thanks, Lily.
* The wayyou toss my heart around's *
* A cryin' shame
* Oh, yes...
* I'll bet you wouldn't like itif I did the same *
* You're only tearin'all my little dreams apart *
* Oh, you won't be satisfieduntil you break my heart *
[Hank] Something else
about that nightmy father walked away.
He called out for my mom.
"Laurel! Office!"
And she came in.
And she knelt down beside me,
she took the ropefrom around my neck,
and she hugged me,
and then she said,
"We won't evertalk about this again."
And I doubt I ever will.
[ "The Whippoorwill"by Keely Smith playing]
- * The night was young...- [Lily] Let's go to bed.
* ...And so were we
* The whippoorwillsang sweet and low *
Why haven't youanswered my calls?
Because mycaller I.D. works.
I've been invited toa conference in Harrisburg.
Russell and I had a fight,so I'm gonna
take you up on that offer.What offer?
I'm gonna come stay with youin New York.
Man: Do you writewith a pen or a scalpel?
I'm just trying to slurp themarrow from the present moment.
You hurt your father.Come by and ask him to stay.
*
I'm afraid I'm gonnado something stupid.
*
[**]