- Well, it looks like the cult is broke again.
So we need to figure out
how to use our country resources
to convince outsiders to give us their money
without forcing them into a doomsday community
they can never leave.
- We need to?
- Yes. I need you as a partner.
- Partners?
I hope going into business together
doesn't affect our personal lives,
like it did in that one episode of "City."
- This is the one where we start a business together.
- And it's affecting our personal lives.
- And me, I'm just sucking a D.
- And I'm the lawyer one.
Ah!
- God, I love that show.
- Let's strategize.
What resources does this place have?
- Well, we've got an idyllic country location,
several beautiful barns that hold a few hundred,
a captive audience who loves tradition-based celebrations,
musicians, mason jars, a bunch of people
who are great at giving speeches,
and outdoor bathrooms that can really take a beating.
- That's it.
- Barn. wedding. porn?
- Dot com was taken.
City people are obsessed
with finding a Gram-worthy barn
in the middle of nowhere to marry
their nothing boyfriends in.
So why not here?
What do you think?
- I mean, I think it's perfect.
Weddings here are... They're a little different.
But I'm not cloistered like these other cult weirdos.
Growing up, I had a secret TV,
so I know how normal people do weddings.
- The only weird thing about this wedding
should be how good it is.
Anyway, you already run a bar,
so you can head up food and bev.
And I can take care of schmoozing the city dummies
and curating the high-quality upcharge packages.
We should have a few weeks to prep.
Holy crap, someone booked it for tomorrow.
- Wow, the couple is from New York.
Do you know them? - New York's a pretty big town.
I'm not just gonna randomly know...
- Hey, I know him. That's Brian.
That's the guy you made us make fake Instagram accounts
and write mean comments on all his posts for.
Oh, shit.
Weren't you two engaged?
- You okay?
- Yeah, I screamed it all out, and I'm fine now.
So let's plan a wedding
for my ex-fiancé who cheated on me.
- Okay, champ, while you were screaming,
I did make a plan, which does involve a clipboard
and a Britney Spears mic. - Perf.
And it makes total sense that Brian and his fiancée
would book our barn and get the guys' girl package.
I knew that was a good add-on.
- Which one is that again?
- The all-inclusive wedding package
for brides who don't have
any female friends for whatever reason.
We provide up to 12 bridesmaids.
It's the kind of amenity that sets us apart
from other barns.
- Should we focus on making your ex jealous
or doing a good job with our business?
- We could do both.
Women are great at multitasking.
First, we need to make this town seem normal...
Normal wedding normal.
Like in Colonial Williamsburg, you see butter churning.
You don't see, like, typhus.
We're leading with country forward
and cult nowhere.
- Oh, so zero cult traditions?
Because some of them are kind of nice.
Hey, I love this guy!
Get 'em, Tortie.
Whoo!
- I think people will really respond to the country part
if we can hide the other stuff.
New Yorkers are super judgy.
- Oh, right, like on TV shows.
- Right. Now let's give out some jobs.
Crowd: Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!
- Citizens of New Utopia, there is going to be
a wedding here with guests from New York City.
- New York City?
- That's right, Incredulous Cowboy.
A lot needs to get done in one day.
And if we do it right,
we could get great word of mouth
and lots more money.
So it's all hands on deck.
I thought that was an applause line.
- Just catch your breath.
Anyway, each person will be assigned a job.
- Whoa!
- And each job is important.
- You, the former yoga teacher,
you have a front-of-house face and body.
You'll run coat check.
You, the yuppies who fled
various large cities to come here,
you'll pass out apps and make
light, city-appropriate banter with the guests.
And where are my wives at?
- Hi Petey. Way ahead of you.
You'd like us to spit on Wendy?
- Close. You're gonna be bridesmaids.
- Brides... maids.
So we all marry him and then we clean?
- No, it's nothing weird.
You just wake up at 5:00 a. m.,
watch nine people slowly get their makeup done.
You bankrupt yourself going to Nashville or New Orleans
until you hate the bride.
- I think I'm from Nashville.
- And you all wear the same dress
while one woman yells at you and expects you
to blindly obey her every demand.
You think you can do that?
- That sounds great.
- Spit on me too. - Super!
- Great. And that's everyone.
- What about us wackadoos?
- Right, you guys.
- Go get pine cones.
But the pine trees are really f...
Go get pine cones.
- Pine cones!
- Thank you for leaving
the most important job for last.
What should I do?
Prepare the blood chalice or the bone throne?
Oh, what am I saying?
I'll find the sacred tortoise.
Can't have a wedding without the sacred tortoise.
- Oh, actually Mae Mae, I think me and Eliza have it covered.
But you can, um, hand out welcome gifts at the hotel.
That would be super helpful.
- Once again, the great daughter
has forgotten the elders.
- Does she not know that we tear up the dance floor?
- She'll see how fun we are when we crash the wedding.
- We love wedding crashers, the movie and the concept.
- Although we've never seen the movie.
- I've seen it.
- No you haven't.
Beware us!
- Bob's team said they were gonna take care of it.
Sorry, conference call.
- Conference call. - Conference call.
- I used to be the one mouthing "conference call,"
and now I'm the one being mouthed "conference call" to.
This wedding has to rock their stupid asses.
- All of their asses, or just your ex?
'Cause I need to plan.
- I can't believe I almost married that loser.
Ugh, poor Amy.
I bet I'll feel bad for her when I meet her.
- No way. She for sure sucks.
80 comet bucks says she does a slow dance with her dad.
Like that episode of "City."
- Ugh, yikes.
- And I'm the lawyer.
- And I'm just sucking a D.
Both: God, I love that show.
- Wife Beth, you look cute, which is wrong.
You should look good in pictures
but terrible in real life. Bigger eyelashes.
- On it.
- I mean, what is this?
Doling out bags of tiny Pedialyte
and sachets of seeds from local flowers.
I'm tired of being pushed aside.
I don't have a job.
I don't have a purpose.
I could just die.
- Now it's a wedding, at least where I come from.
I'm Aunt Maxine. Whose aunt?
Who cares?
- Wow.
- ♪ I took a ride ♪
- ♪ On the side ♪
♪ Of the swan ♪
♪ Ee ♪
- Petey, snap out of it,
because your ex-fiancé and his new fiancé
are trying to say hi.
- Hi, I'm Amy.
Oh, you know this guy.
Anyway, we need a shower.
There's so much dirt here. I love it.
- Remember how you were gonna help make
my ex jealous at his wedding? - Already all over it.
- You hired me a hot escort as a fake date?
You did watch TV!
- So this isn't a job. Who wants to work?
The thing about a rat race is, you're surrounded by rats.
No thanks.
Here you go.
It's got seeds. Who cares?
I'm retired and loving it.
Now you try.
- Here you go. It has Pedialyte.
I've become obsolete.
I'm a Rolodex. I'm an iPod.
Bury me in the ground where no one can find me,
then throw me in the trash.
- Oh Mae Mae, so your working days are over.
Embrace it.
The opposite of working is living.
Say, do you know where a couple of older gals
can have a little fun?
- Nice cornhole!
- So excited. - Blech.
I hope my date is better than these groomsmen.
- ♪ Yeah, uh ♪
♪ You're like a handgun
♪ And you're going against a cannon ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
- Someone order the "make your ex jealous
at his wedding" package?
- Ugh.
- Oh, that Bandit.
- You're the escort for my ex's wedding?
Ugh, no.
- I believe in serving my community.
Even low-life, terrible, cult scum...
Sexy, gorgeous, captivating,
French-adjacent, no-pore smoke shows.
- Ooh!
Fine.
I expect you to be the ideal wedding date.
You should be at my side but not afraid to mingle.
Look hot, but keep the focus on me.
And when my feet hurt at the end of the night,
give me... - Slow your horses now.
This ain't my first rodeo.
How's about you let me take the reins?
- Ugh, horse metaphors.
- Women love horses.
- Emmett, remember that this should be flavorless and wet.
The salad can't taste good or be healthy.
The meat slice should be resting atop two green beans,
and I want it all lukewarm. Go!
Go! Go!
- I love love!
- Hey, Amy.
Sorry your bridal suite is a hay loft.
Is that too rustic?
It's exactly what I wanted!
- Ah!
Oh, great.
Is that your voice?
No, I'm just excited.
I'm marrying the person you were supposed to marry.
Isn't that funny?
What a crazy coincidence
that we booked your barn.
I guess the universe wanted you to watch it happen!
- Yeah. - Thanks, universe.
- Anyway, I know things didn't quite work out
between you and Brian. So sad.
But I just wanted to say thank you
for getting him ready for me.
He's so wonderful now.
Isn't that so funny?
- Hey babe, you're crushing it.
I got you some snacks.
God, you're hot.
Who's this?
You must be the groom's sister.
- Bandit, this is the bride, Amy.
- Oh right, she's marrying her cousin?
- No, my ex.
You're silly.
And how did you two meet?
Probably online or a dumpster.
- We met, um, surfing.
- On a veranda in the south of France
at a big rich person party.
Her perfume wafted toward me.
My pheromones wafted toward her.
And we wafted each other all night long.
- I'm gonna help Gam Gam sign the guestbook.
- Oh. - Get out of here.
- Hey Petey, I hate to put you on the spot,
but would you be my maid of honor?
- Whoa, really? Why?
- Or matron of honor.
I don't know how old you are.
So I don't have a ton of female friends.
No idea why.
And I want you to be next to me when I marry Brian.
You'll be the second most important person
at this wedding because you were
the second most important person to him.
Does that make sense?
- Oh. Uh, I don't know.
It was included in the package!
- Ah!
- This is my own proprietary blend,
sure to cause gastric distress.
If I'd had a little more time to prepare,
I'd have put it in the dressing,
but it works the same sprinkled on top.
If I get everyone sick, they'll need my help.
And if the people with jobs get sick,
I'll get all the jobs.
- You can't be serious.
When I said have some fun, I meant
do something that brings you pleasure,
not poison a salad bar for work.
- But scheming to me feels orgasmic.
And I should know.
I've been in plenty of orgies, the thing
where a dozen women focus on one man.
- Honey, you need to stop thinking about others
and think about what you need.
When I was forced to retire by my large company
simply for not wanting to use the computer,
I took it hard, too,
but then, one day, I opened my eyes,
and do you know what I discovered?
The world is my oyster!
- Oh!
- The mixing of sand signifies the mixing
of both of our lives.
- Oof. Ugh.
- And now, for the first time,
please welcome Mr. and Mrs...
Ah, you know their name.
Don't we all know their name?
You are embarrassing me.
- Well, enough of that.
Let's do a couple's dance.
Specifically that couple.
- ♪ When you can't let go ♪
♪ I'm in control ♪
♪ I'm on it so ♪
- Where did you learn to dance?
- Your dad.
The first five cult scout badges
were all in ballroom dance.
- ♪ Making you so high you won't go down ♪
Oh.
- Let's dance, dad.
- Pretend to faint.
Shut the music!
Babe, are you okay?
The most jealousy-inducing thing a woman can do...
- Is be attended to after fainting.
- Brian, what the F?
Why are you attending to her?
- Hey girl, everything okay?
- Don't look at me with your perfect life
and hot boyfriend,
this business with your best friend.
Your hair is always moving.
I'm so jealous I could die.
- Oh!
Well, don't want that.
I know my life may look perfect, but it's not.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, I feel out of place here.
They have all these freaky traditions.
I swear, every time I turn around,
they're doing something random and insane.
- Talking shit about other people
made me feel really close to you.
You rock, Petey.
- Hey, look at you.
You came here with no female friends,
and you're leaving with one.
- There's a pine cone!
There's another pine cone!
- Oh.
Could it be?
- No one tells me what to do.
I can put ice cubes in my wine,
wine in my coffee,
coffee up my butt!
- Oh, I love that you can say "butt."
- That's nothing.
Let's kick this up a notch.
Come on, live a little.
Take that, computers.
- I'm yelling for me.
Butt!
- Hey, watch it, grandma.
- Buddy, I'm not a grandma.
I'm a childless aunt.
It's our world. You're just living in it.
- Oh, the sacred tortoise is back.
This will be fun.
I know what fun is now because of you.
- What's that noise?
- The elders have crashed.
- We're doing the thing from the movie.
- Vince Vaughn forever!
Vince Vaughn forever!
- Corn hole.
Oh, no.
- We have found all the pine cones!
- And we found something better.
- ♪ The sacred tortoise ♪
- The sacred tortoise has returned?
All: Now it's a wedding.
- You can see it.
It's the tortoise!
Shake it, shake it, shake it!
- Oh, my God.
What is this?
Eliza, fix it!
- No way.
The tortoise is back!
♪ You can feel it ♪
all: It's the tortoise!
Shake it, shake it, shake it!
- What the eff is going on?
- The sacred tortoise has been found.
It's a symbol of peace and love that went missing years ago.
- Eliza, what the hell are you doing?
- I know I'm blasé about most things,
but this is just fun.
Come on, let's dance.
- Oh my God, you were right.
These people are weird.
Like, look at her.
She's, like, so happy.
Agree with me fast or I'll tell people back home
you are weird too.
- Yes.
Eliza, wait.
- Want some sexy punch, sexy?
- Eliza, I know I shouldn't have laughed at you,
but why were you doing that tortoise thing?
- Not every religious person is the same amount of religious.
You have a Christmas tree.
Do you go to mass on Good Friday?
No.
And I learned that
from the Lent episode of "City."
Don't cut to it.
- Behind. I'm coming through.
- Why are they still working and how
is there this much soup?
- We love soup.
What, is that weird too?
- Actually, New York has several restaurants that...
- Oh, my God, stop talking about New York.
You people think you're the center of the universe,
but you just look sad.
You should be embarrassed of your culture, not us.
- Eliza... - Sorry,
I have more soup to serve.
Behind!
- Petey, there you are.
I had so much fun laughing at those freaks with you earlier.
You're just in time for your speech about me.
- You want me to give a speech?
It's included in the package!
- Ah!
Whoa. Hello, everyone.
I'm Petey.
That was weird back there, huh?
But I want to ask you all, what isn't weird?
If you think about it, even normal weddings are weird.
Throwing rice at people's hair.
Taking off the bride's leg underwear
and tossing it at her cousins.
- Nice.
- Eating a full meal on your feet
and then sitting down for another full meal.
That's weird.
And marriage is weird.
Promising the rest of your life to someone?
That makes no sense.
But that's what traditions are.
They're doing something that makes no sense
with the people you love because you love them.
It makes you feel like you're from somewhere,
like you're a part of something,
even if that means doing a line dance
with a sacred turtle.
Tortoise.
- Thank you.
Anyway, the point is,
it's not about what you do.
It's about who you do it with.
And that's why I want to raise a glass
to the woman of the hour.
I haven't known her that long, but the truth is,
she's my best friend.
Eliza. - What?
- Sure, she's a wackadoo, but so am I.
And the only thing better than one wackadoo
is two wackadoos.
To the bride and groom, but mostly to this tortoise.
- This is exactly why I don't have female friends.
- Oh, you don't bow to the tortoise, Petey.
You have sex with it. - Really?
No.
- Congrats, Brian.
- Thank you for a lovely evening.
You self-centered, manipulative little...
- Can we... can we do this tomorrow, Bandit?
I'm tired.
And you did good today.
- Oh. Thanks.
Pleasure doing business.
Uh... - Oh. Okay.
Yeah.
- I learned so much from you, Aunt Maxine,
not all of it good.
A lot of it scared me.
But that's part of the fun.
I know that now.
- Don't work too hard.
- I'll never forget you.
Wow.
My first Jewish friend. - What?
- ♪ Don't you forget about me ♪
♪ I'll be alone dancing and you know it, baby ♪
♪ Going to take you apart ♪
♪ I'll put us back together at heart, baby ♪
♪ Don't you forget about me ♪
♪ Don't, don't, don't, don't ♪
♪ Don't you ♪
♪ Forget about me ♪
♪ As you walk on by ♪
♪ Will you call my name ♪
♪ As you walk on by ♪
♪ Will you call my name ♪
♪ La la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la la ♪
♪ La la la ♪
♪ La la la la ♪