You're being ridiculous.
What's ridiculous is your narrow view of the world.
Hurry up and get some food before your uncles eat it all.
All right, ma. I just gotta go to the bathroom.
Hey, what's up, primo?
What? Uncle Rollie.
- Oh, come on. - Too slow.
What are you talking about too slow?
- I was here first. - Too fast then.
- Too fast? - You can't wisdom your way
out of this one.
Primo. Perfect.
How tall can a person be before you think he's dumb?
- What? - If you're looking at a person,
let's say it's a guy,
how tall can that guy be
- before you think he's dumb? - You've got it backward.
The taller a person is, the smarter they are.
The brain has already expended all of its energy on making you tall
and now it can work on other things.
When things get more advanced, they do not get bigger,
they get smaller.
Computers, cameras, phones.
Kareem Abdul-jabbar, Abe Lincoln, queen latifah.
- Are there any eggs left? - No.
Awesome.
Hey, what happened with that girl you like?
Hey, whose advice did you take?
Well, I had a lot of really good options.
The way you connect with someone is through communal crying.
The two of you stare into each other's eyes and cry together.
No words, just tears.
Primo, forget all that.
See, what you wanna do is find someone she hates, right,
then punch him in the mouth right in front of her.
Prove that you can protect her.
- That's not terrible. - It isn't?
No, but it's more about proving how strong you are.
Find a reason to pick her up.
Just right off the ground, like the Stanley cup.
I think that's where they get the term trophy wife.
I think I'm gonna go about it my own way.
Just be super weird in front of her and never do anything?
- Correct. - Nice. Good job.
What are you watching?
It's a supercut of all the cocaine scenes from wolf of wall street.
It ends up being the whole movie.
I thought ma said no Wolf of wall street Before 8:00 A.M.?
Wolves don't follow rules.
- Turn it off, Ryan. - You got it.
Primo, sit down. Let me ask you something.
How many of your teachers would you say are...
Satisfied with their current banking situations?
Why would I know that, uncle Ryan?
All right. Do me a favor. Leave these on your teachers' desks
and tell them that I will personally take care of them.
Did you staple these?
You got a better way to attach business cards to apples?
Tape.
Damn it.
I made 40 business apples.
Ernesto is sick. We're a man short
and I got four irrigation systems to install.
Which one of you all is coming with me today?
- Not me. - No, no, no, no.
Take them all. Get everybody out of my house.
Rafa, breakfast.
Okay. I'm leaving. Bye.
All right. Too slow for real this time.
- Are you kidding me? - Let's go, guys.
We don't have all day.
- Guys, you heard him. - You, what are you waiting for?
And, you, put some shoes on.
- And you know what? Let's get some... - And why are you wearing a fleece?
- Boots on top of - It's like a hundred degrees outside.
I got a job. But you know that already.
Why are you telling me
Before you start, Mr. Flores, can I just say that
whatever you think that I did, I didn't do it.
And if I did do it, then I didn't mean to.
And if I did mean to, then I didn't know that it was wrong.
Also, are you happy with your current banking situation?
I have a business apple. Just careful of the staple.
Mr. Gonzalez... where do you think you might wanna go to college?
- I'm sorry? - College.
Surely, you've thought about it. I know I have.
You haven't gone to college yet?
I meant for you.
There's a college prep program here
that helps our juniors and seniors prepare for the admission process.
Oh. Yeah, I don't think that's for me. I'm probably not right for college.
What does that mean?
I mean, college is for kids who do boat sports.
Do you know what that is?
No, but it's definitely good news. There's a lot of green here.
If you get a thing from a teacher
and it has a green on it, it's usually good.
Red is almost always bad. Red cards in soccer,
the-the buzzer in Family feud, Red wedding in Game of thrones.
Sorry. I'm kind of nervous. You talk now.
Those are the results from the standardized tests
you and your classmates took at the end of sophomore year.
You scored in the 93rd percentile. You scored higher than 93%
of all the other sophomores in the state of Texas.
You're telling me you're not right for college.
I'm telling you you're exactly right for college.
Here's an application.
I think you should apply to the program.
Oh, no. What does blue mean?
Yo, you're a genius.
It's not a big deal. It's just one test.
But now the guidance counselor
wants me to apply to this college prep program.
Did you all know anything about that?
I honestly didn't even know we had a guidance counselor,
so, no, I did not know about the college prep program.
I've been in a college prep program since I was born.
Both my parents went to Howard. Their parents went to Howard.
So guess where I'm going?
I'm sorry. Who's Howard? I wasn't really listening.
I'm trying to figure out if I could rock a bucket hat?
College. We're talking about college.
I don't need college.
I'm gonna inherit my parents' store and be the Filipino godfather.
See? That sounds good. I need a plan like that.
You know, I could work for my uncle Jay, maybe become the irrigation scarface.
Oh, is that what you wanna do?
Oh, I have no idea what I wanna do. I thought that was obvious.
You all give me a minute. I'MMA say what's up to my mom?
All right.
- Looks better if you had red... - Hey, ma.
Oh, get out of here. Go.
Oh, hi. Hi.
Who's that? Do I know him?
Uh, he works at the tire shop?
- What's in the box? - Oh, this?
This is a beautiful, handmade,
one-of-a-kind none of your goddamn business.
Oh, is, is that our new neighbor, Mya? Bring her in so I can meet her.
No, no, I can't. I gotta go. We'll be at Harris' house though, okay?
- Bye. - I need you home by 7:00.
What? No, no, no, no, no. I was hoping I could hang out at Harris'.
I was hoping I could be home by 7:00.
Perfect.
- Mike, here. This is your job. - Hmm.
Write, "congratulations, rafa" on the cake.
- What's the other bag for? - Oh, hell, yeah.
Cake icing.
It's gonna turn your teeth blue.
Okay. I need to talk to you guys about something.
Rafa's guidance counselor called me a few weeks ago
and said that rafa scored really high on some test
and he thinks rafa has a good chance
of getting into college after he graduates.
Rafa hasn't said anything to me about it yet
but I know that he met with him today.
College is a scam. He should be working.
He's 16 now. He'll be 17 by the end of the school year.
Soon he'll be 18.
Hey, Jay's right. That is how numbers work.
If he starts working for me now, he'll be ready to run his own crew
by the time he graduates high school.
What if he doesn't wanna dig holes for a living?
Maybe he wants to work in finance like me.
You're a bank teller.
You son of a bitch. If you would've read the apple,
you would've known that I am an account manager now.
- I read the apple. - Thank you.
Okay. This is exactly what I'm talking about.
I don't need you all in his ear about this like you are about everything else.
So, nobody says a word to him about it. Not a word. Leave him be.
Jay, after rafa turns 18, what age does he turn next?
Well, thanks for walking me home.
I still don't really know my way around here
and there's a lot of stray dogs in this neighborhood.
No, of course. It's no problem.
- But honestly, if any of the dogs come... - Mm-hmm.
- You're on your own. - Whatever.
Hey, you still applying to that college thing?
Part of me wants to.
No one in my family has ever been to like a real college before.
My mom would freak.
She'd be so happy.
But who knows what all my uncles would say?
All your uncles? How many uncles you got?
- Five. - Oh.
It feels like 50 most of the time though.
My dad left when I was little, so they're always around
and they're super protective of my mom and me.
Yeah. What's that like?
Mostly it's like being inside a cloud of bees...
- Mm-hmm. - Except the bees are always
like cussing and punching at each other.
Okay.
Uh, you wanna come and wait at the front porch?
I'll go inside and get those history notes for you.
Yeah. Sure.
Surprise!
Mya, you're here? Come in.
Does that sign say you're a junior?
Yeah. It's just what my mom does.
Any time I do a thing that she's proud of, she throws me a party.
I'm an only child. It's kind of embarrassing.
I don't know. It seems really nice. I won the 1600 at a track meet last year
and my father just said, "you performed adequately."
It's so nice to meet you, Mya. I'm Andrea, rafa's mom.
- Welcome to the neighborhood. - Thank you.
Okay. Everybody, gather around.
First of all, we just wanna say how proud we are of you, rafa.
I cannot believe that you're a junior.
My baby!
This is for you.
- What's this? - It's a present.
I knew that. I was asking what's inside?
Do you not know how presents work?
Right.
- Okay. - Okay. Open it!
- Yes. Come on. - Open it!
Open it! Open it!
- Okay. Try it on. - What?
Oh, thanks.
I just figured that you might need something nice
for, you know, future occasions.
Like court.
Um...
i actually have an announcement to make too.
I met with my guidance counselor today
and he thinks that I have a shot at going to college.
What?
My boy.
That's-that's great, baby.
College is a scam. Don't be stupid.
- Not the time, Jay. - No, he's right.
It's just four years of expensive nonsense where the system tells you how to think.
Education is not stupid. Plus, the military will pay for it.
He's not going into the military, dummy.
Are you gonna take that from him, Mike?
- Kick his ass. - Okay. That's enough.
He should be working. Contributing to the family. Helping drea.
Higher education is the key to success.
I make the most money out of anyone in this family
because I got a degree.
You took one class at a technical school and you got a certificate.
And you made $800 more than me last year.
And is that more or is that less?
Kick his ass, Ryan.
He doesn't need a university to be educated.
The universe is a university.
- You're homeless. Shut up. - My home is the planet earth,
and mother nature doesn't charge me rent
nor does Jay whose shed I've been sleeping in.
God damn it, mondo, stay out of my shed.
Hey, well, someone better kick someone's ass.
Just relax. And you? Stay out of my shed.
Oh, I get it. Cloud of bees.
Hmm.
When I said don't say a word about college,
did I need to define what a word is for your little t-Rex brains?
Listen to me.
We are gonna fill this house with joy or I swear to god
I will slit all of your throats.
Denise. Hey, girl.
Man, what's got her all worked up?
Us.
Oh. Right.
You spelled it wrong. There's an apostrophe in congratulations.
- No, there's not. - Yes, there is before the s. Like this.
That's definitely wrong.
They don't do spelling at "universe university"?
Ryan, who's right, me or Mike?
Huh. Well, I know the answer because I got a degree.
- Certificate. - But I will not tell you the answer
- because you're a dick. - Hmm.
If it were me, I would just pay for the bakery to ice the cake,
because I can afford these things, 'cause I got a job,
- because I got a degree. - Certificate.
- Rollie. - Yo.
Come here. Is this right?
It's ugly.
So if you meant for it to be ugly, then, yeah, it's right.
Hey, good job.
Apostrophe shows ownership or combines words.
Mm-hmm. Right.
And this is primo's cake, so he owns it, so it needs an apostrophe.
You know what? Good idea. Here. Let's put apostrophes everywhere.
- Look. Ra... - No, Mike. Don't be crazy.
No, Mike. Stop it. Stop it, Mike.
- You're being crazy. Mike. Come on, Mike. - No, no, no.
- You want apostrophe. - Don't be crazy, Mike.
- Come on. - I'll give you apostrophe.
- Apostrophe. Apostrophe. - Hey.
- One for Ryan. One for you. - Hey.
Did you finish the cake?
Yes.
There you go. Cake time, everybody.
- Hey, ma. - Yeah?
- Don't get mad but... - Uh-hmm.
I was getting on the computer and your bank account page was up
and I saw that you only have...
Oh, no, no. Don't worry about that. I have it under control.
What do you mean don't worry about it? Ma, you only have $52 in your account.
You're throwing me a party. You just bought me this new coat.
Rafa, you have small eyes. You can't see the whole picture yet.
Why are you talking like the oracle from The matrix?
This is serious.
College costs money that you don't have. That we don't have.
Rafa, relax.
All of this has been in the works for a long time.
Last month, Carlos, Who you saw at the store earlier,
kept talking about how he had a rash On his foot.
So, you know, Gloria, The receptionist at the clinic,
she traded me some samples Of the foot medicine for some bus passes,
because I know she rides the bus, Because it stops in front of the store
and I see her getting on it each morning.
How did you get bus passes?
I always hear Sammy, The bus driver, complaining
about having to eat a cold lunch every day
because his break isn't long enough To find some place to eat.
So, I made him a hot plate Every day for a week
and he slipped me some bus passes.
So, food for Sammy, bus passes for Gloria,
foot medicine for Carlos, and he has a booth at the flea market
where he sells clothes and he gave me the coat
for free.
So, if Carlos didn't have some gross foot fungus,
I wouldn't have this new coat?
One man's rash is another man's treasure.
Okay. Well, I mean, what about all the food at this party?
What messed-up skin condition bought us those ribs?
Oh, that is a good one. Okay.
So like, three months ago, There was this lady up the street
who was having trouble with her car.
I could tell by the sound, It was her alternator.
Stop, stop, stop. This is too much, ma. Our life is like a jenga tower.
We make one tiny wrong move and it all comes tumbling down.
Do not worry about any of that, okay? That's my job.
Your job is to be 16 and figure out what you want.
Big eyes.
Okay.
Mm. I love you. Eat some cake.
What's up, uncle Jay? You got a minute?
Yeah, but not much more.
I got Rollie, Mike, and mondo working today.
We're running late because Rollie hit Mike with a shovel.
Why?
Because earlier Mike hit Rollie with a shovel. What's up?
Well, you keep saying that I should start coming to work with you more hours.
Is that offer still available? I think I need a steady job.
- You've got, Ryan. - I know, stupid.
Rafa is here with me right now.
I want you to hear the conversation him and I are about to have
so that you can know that I beat you.
- What are you talking about? - Go ahead, rafa.
Uh, hi, uncle Ryan.
I was just telling uncle Jay I think I'm ready to start working.
Jay, Rollie hit me in the head with a shovel.
Hey, he's lying.
- Hey, primo, what are you doing here? - Good. You're all here,
so now you can all hear what rafa was about to say.
Uncle Jay, I kind of just wanted to talk to you like one on one.
Well, this is better than one on one.
- It's a full uncle meeting. - I don't want that.
I-I never want that. I want the opposite of an uncle meeting.
An aunt separation?
Hey, that was pretty good.
Hey, I'm sorry I hit you with a shovel.
Hey, primo, listen.
I'm sorry that I couldn't be there For this great conversation,
but I can't be there Because I have a good job,
- 'cause I have a higher degree. - Certificate.
Primo, if the concern is money, then you should know the military
will pay for your schooling if you serve four years.
- That's what I did. - You didn't go to college.
But I could've and they would have paid.
Hey, for the record, I don't really care what primo decides.
I just hate Ryan. What's up, Ryan?
Actually, I hate all you guys. I wish I had a giant shovel.
College is just handcuffs for the mind, and money's a disease.
Great. I won't pay you for today.
Fine. Then I'm moving out of your shed.
- That's what I want. - Can you please just stop?
I came here to talk to uncle Jay about working...
But this, what's happening right now,
is what happens all of the time.
You guys just come over the top of everything, and it's chaos,
and none of you even listen to what I'm saying.
Hey, I listen. They don't listen.
That's not true. You don't listen to any of us.
What's going on, guys?
- Is that drea? - Yeah.
And like I was saying, we shouldn't Be doing this without drea present...
good news. Primo's decided he wants to...
Shut up, Jay.
- Mike. - Mm-hmm?
Give me your keys.
I'm gonna drive rafa home and I'll see you all at dinner tonight.
Oh, that super calm, quiet voice.
Hey, she's pissed.
Hey, she might kick someone's ass though.
I don't understand why you're mad.
I didn't go to primo. He came to me
and said he wants to work. How is that bad?
A decision that you pressed him to make.
But don't you want him to go to college? Why aren't you telling him that?
Why aren't you telling him anything?
What I want is for you all to leave him alone.
- Okay. I understand but... - No buts, Ryan.
You guys have to understand
that your influence on him is meaningful, okay?
This is not like you teaching him how to ride a bike.
He's not a kid anymore.
You could push him toward making a decision
that he will regret for a long time.
Now, I want him to go to college. That's what I want.
But whatever he chooses, it's a decision that he needs to arrive at
on his own or it's not going to work.
That doesn't make sense. If you want a thing, speak up.
It's like a restaurant.
You don't just hope for the waiter to bring you cheese sticks.
You tell him.
So, you're smart today?
I'm smart every day.
Your t-shirt's on backwards.
Man.
It's a v-neck.
What is wrong with you?
I thought it was from Europe.
He's like a magician with that cane, man.
Hey, your mom took off for work already but she left food for you on the table.
And then you ate it.
I did eat the food, yes.
Perfect.
Hey, hold up, boy. Hey, you forgot something.
What? What did I forgot, uncle Rollie? Do you want my lunch too?
Do you wanna hit me with a shovel?
How'd you know I threw that away?
- Or even what it was? - I didn't.
I was looking for chicken wings people might've tossed out,
because most people when they eat wings, only eat like half the meat.
So, if you gather enough of them, it's basically like a whole extra meal.
Gross.
Anyways, I found that paper. Didn't know why you threw it away.
What's going on, primo?
I don't know what to do.
I have way too many opinions coming at me at once.
It's like, you know, do i... do I go to college?
Do I start working? Do I join the military?
Do I join the military and then go to college?
And how does ma figure into any of it because she has $50 to her name
- so who's gonna take care of her? - Hey, wait.
Hold up. Hold up.
You don't think you'd take care of your mom, do you?
I mean, she's been taking care of all of us
since she was like 12 years old.
I mean, you saying you'd take care of your mom
is like saying a flower takes care of the sun.
And, second, boohoo.
So, you've got six people in this house who give a damn about what happens to you.
That must suck.
All right. Look, I'm not gonna sit here and tell you
that we're not gonna keep shoving advice into your ear
because we are.
That's what we do. We've been doing it since you were tiny
and we're gonna keep doing it till we're all dead.
Hey, but, ultimately, that's your call.
And whatever you decide to do, it'll be fine.
And your mom will be fine too, because besides her own toughness,
hey, she's got us. Her brothers.
Every single one of us would do jail time for her.
Hell, I just did.
You didn't serve jail time for her.
You served jail time 'cause you jumped a dog track
and tried to race the greyhounds.
Let me tell you something. Those skinny bitches are fast.
I stand corrected.
Hey, get out of here. I'm trying to watch my show. Bug off.
Okay, okay, okay, everyone. Uh, I have an announcement to make.
Didn't we do this already?
I have decided
that I am going to apply to that college prep program.
And I don't know what happens after that just yet
but I do know that this is the decision I wanna make right now
and so... I'm making it.
We're so proud of you, baby.
Whatever your path is, man, that's your path.
That poem sucked.
If this blows up in your face and you need a job,
I'll be here.
Primo, all that matters is that you're happy.
- Mm-hmm. - And that you basically chose my thing.
Those are the two main takeaways we should all be focusing as a family.
Okay. Let's eat.
Actually, the point is that I'm grateful for you guys.
You are all looking out for me
and I'm sure I'm gonna to need to lean on all of you all
at the appropriate times for advice on different things.
Like when you're gonna ask Mya out?
Who told you Mya is the girl I like?
Our brains every time we see you make Google eyes at her.
Hold on. Did you just say Google eyes?
Yeah. Google eyes. That's why they call it Google.
It's like your eyes are searching for information.
No. It's goo-goo eyes.
No, it's googly eyes.
Gentleman, it's ghoul-y. Like a ghoul,
because you're so scared of how much you like that person.
That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard anybody say.
No apostrophe. Mike was right.
I wonder if there's any cake left.
Next, on primo...
listen up. It's that time of year. The Gonzales family neighborhood barbecue.
You know how insane the barbecue gets.
I need you to shield Mya and her family from the worst of it.
This year, I'm bringing my crossbow.
It's cinnamon, bro.
Yeah, this is what I mean when I say the worst of it.