Mr. Hornsby?
Would you like to holdyour baby boy?
If I must.
Congratulations, sir.He's beautiful.
Good Lord! What have you doneto this child's balls?!
There's none here!I've seen enough! Here.
Give it to the woman to hold.I'm famished!
Fortunately, I packed a lunch tinof freshly picked horse radishes!
We'll also need you to fill outa birth certificate, sir.
I will not be burdenedwith peasant work.
You do it, peasant.
What's the baby's name, sir?
I don't know. What do peoplecall their babies these days?
Jonathan? Taylor?Thomas?
- Theodore?- Oh, now she speaks.
So kind of you to join us.
What is your query, woman?
What if we name the child Theodore?Like you.
I am not gifting this child my namesake.Have you seen its balls?
Name this one...
- Steve. Stebe?- I said Steve.
Stebe? Like with a "B"?As in "biscuit"?
Mm. Yes. Name him Stebe with a "B."
It'll serve as a reminder to himthat I couldn't be bothered
with the boring taskof naming this ball-less boy.
Write it down!
Hey there, welcome to Strawbucks.
What can I get started for you today?
Just a plain black coffeewith one plastic straw, please.
You got it. Can I get a name?
- Stebe.- Steve. Got it.
Ah-ah. No. Heh. Common mistake.
It's actually Stebe with a "B,"as in "biscuit."
Boy, that's an unusual name.
It... It is truly an unorthodox name.I will give you that.
Matt, honey, can you get that?
My handsome little man.
Goddamn it, Matt.Do you need your fucking ears checked?!
Uh... hello?
C-Can I help you?
Abummmdah, abee-namnah-neemagh
Abummmdah, abee-namnah-abummmdah
Abee-namnah-neemagh, neemagh
Abummmdah, abee-namnah-abummmdah
Abee-namnah-neemaghabummmdah, abee-neemagh
Matt. This is Lars.My old guitarist from TainT.
Dude, when's the last time I saw you?
Tony T's funeral.
Remember?
We swore that day we'd neverjack hang again.
How could I forget?
I think I lasted like three days.
Three days? What are you, a Mormon?
I was back at it that night.Get in here, you son of a bitch.
So he's blown away, right?
He can't believe we let himon the tour bus.
He was so excited.
So eventually we pull the bus over.
As soon as he steps off the bushe's like, "What?
What's this? There's no show here."
And we high tail it out of there.
Leave him right in the middleof the desert.
Wasn't he in a wheelchair?
He was after that night.
I mean, it seems like...
I don't know, seems likekind of a mean-spirited story.
To be honest.
He wanted the full TainTexperience, Stebe.
It was the kid's final wish.Were you even listening?
I'm sorry, Theo, who is this guy again?
Ugh. Lars, this is my brother Stebe.
Well, good news, I have an ironing boardin my van if you wanna iron out
those bunched-up panties, Steve.
We have our own ironing board,thank you very much.
And it's Stebe with a "B."
A "B"? As in "biscuit"?
The hell kinda name is that?
It was supposed to be a "V,"
but my dad couldn't bebothered to correct it.
He didn't give a shit about you, dude.
Oh, man, that sucks.
Whew! Sorry to miss dinnertonight, everyone.
Been working my fingersto the bone in the ma'am cave.
Well, well, well.
Theo, you didn't tell me youhad a solid 6 in the family now.
Oooooh-hoo-hoo, Theo, who's this Romeo?
Deb, this is TainT's very own Lars.
Lars, Deb. She's my wife.
Really? What do you do for work, Deb?
I mean, other than put up with this clown?
He's messing with you, dude. Relax.
Lars, what don't I do?
Aside from being onthe board at Royal Crackers,
I'm in charge of our family'ssocial media accounts,
Including our increasinglypopular FamGram.
God, it's a dream of mineto get on FamGram.
But you need a family to join.
Maybe one day.
Awww. Well, I'll tell you,it's a full-time job.
Getting followers,Photoshopping our pictures,
coming up with the funniest captions.
Be nice if someone inthis family would lend a hand.
I told you. I'll post whenI have something good to share.
I want my first postto make a real splash.
I posted a picture on it.
And I deleted it.Your Warzone character, Matt? Really?
Well, looks like allmy hard work is paying off.
Excuse me, everyone.
What the...
You people think we're not real?
I'll show you motherfuckin' real.
Uhh, Deb, honey, do you thinkwe could wrap this up?
I don't wanna end up in sunburn city.
Oh, my God, Stebe, it's been five minutes.
We can go back inside as soon asyou look like you're having fun.
What if I put my arms up like this?
Does this help? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What kind of family photos are thesewithout the matriarch in them?
Get in there, Deb. Lars has got this.
Oh, Lars, I don't wanna inconvenience you.
Oh, stop, Deb. It'll be great.
God, I can't tell you how nice it isto finally have a partner in this.
Whoa! Have you lostyour goddamn mind, Deb?
Give me a warning before youthrow a freakin' ball at my head, will ya?
Oh, my God. It's just a beach ball.
Okay, do I really needto explain that if you throw
anything at someone's headand they don't expect it,
you can cause serious brain damage?
Uhh, hey, Stebe. Can you scoot awayfrom everyone else for a second?
Actually, I can't, Lars.
Any further in, and I'm in the deep end.
- I'll... I'll drown.- Ah, it's just your skin.
It's super white.It's really throwing off the F-stop.
Huh, you know, it might be betterif you're not in the photo.
Wait, Deb, why don't I just replace Stebe?
Look at his face, he's like,"Wait? What? Lars is replacing me?"
Relax, Stebe. I just mean for the photo.
I guess I could Photoshop
Stebe's face on Lars's rock hard body.
Yeah, Stebe.You take the photo.
Oh, uh... Okay.
Hey, make sure you get one of mejumping in, dude.
Cannonball!
Oh, no, Stebe. This again?
We did a photo shoot for FamGramout by the pool.
It's really bad this time, Doc.
Goddamn it, Stebe,I'll write you a script for some ointment,
but how many times do I have to tell you?
During this time of year,you have to wear sunscreen
if you even want to open a window.
I-I can't do it.I can't put up this fight anymore.
Hey, hey, it's okay.
You ignore my advice time after time,
destroying yourself tryingto be a normal person, Stebe.
You're not normal. You're feeble.
You might be the most feeble personI've ever met IRL.
I'll start listening, I promise.
- Just get out. Get out of here!- Ow! Ow! Watch it! I have feeble skin.
- I can't do this anymore.- Get out.
What about my ointment?
Wear sunscreen.Let's start there.
Then maybe we can build some trust.
Wasn't that guy in a wheelchair?
He was after that night.
I heard this story.
They... They left him out in the desert.
Stebe, what happened to you?You look like a weirdo.
Doctor's orders.
He says if I don't start caking myself insunscreen every day I could die.
Anyway, I'm telling you.Now that Lars is back in the picture,
y'all gotta throw a TainT reunion show.
I don't know, Lars has been outof the game for awhile.
- Please.- Don't do me like this.
The fans have spoken, Theo.
- I'll think about it.- That's all we ask.
Okay, guys. I actuallyhave a lot to cover...
Oh, great, the fun police is here.
Yeah, I'm the fun police.
As in, when I show upsomewhere the fun starts.
So thank you for the compliment.
Yeah, right. Look at Dad.
He was finally having funbefore you got here.
Dad has no idea what's going on.
Aw come on, you don't givethe old man enough credit.
He's lovin' my stories,aren't ya, big guy?
I'm telling you, you're wasting your ti...
Ohh!
Dad loves Lars. Dad loves Lars.Dad loves Lars. Dad loves Lars.
Hey, hon. Ugh, what a day.
I had therapy after work.
I told him about that dream I had,
where I drove the wrong car homefrom the grocery store.
Uh-huh. Hold on, cover your ears.
Yeagh!
Anyway about half-way through he says,
"Stebe, I can't do this anymore.
Stop telling meevery single dream you have."
And just walked out, so,gotta find a new therapist.
Again.
Hon? Something wrong?
Stebe. Are you ever gonna postanything on FamGram?
Deb, I'm closing in on the perfect post.
It's going to be brilliant.When I post it, everyone is going to go,
"Oh, that's something I thoughtonly I had to deal with."
- Really?- Really.
Please. Just give me more time.
You have to believe me.
I want to, I've just been hurt before.
Are you fucking ready?
Yes.
Hey, Stebe with a "B."
- Welcome back.- Hey, Britney.
Plain black coffeewith a plastic straw, right?
Hey, uh, Britney?
Do you think maybe you couldwrite "Steve" on my cup?
- Sorry?- Steve?
With a "V"? As in "visceral anguish"?
And why would I write that?
Oh, I just... I don't know.Heh. Thought it'd be funny.
But you're not Steve with a "V,"you're Stebe with a "B."
As in "big ol' butterball."And you should be proud of it.
I just... Britney, can I...can I overshare with you?
Well, of course. I'm a barista.
I don't really like myself lately.
And I've started to wonderif this name is a curse.
All my life it's served as areminder that I'm not important.
If you just write my name down with a "V,"
maybe it could be the start of a new me,
or at the very least, allow meto feel like I'm somebody else,
if only for a moment.
I understand, Stebe...
But I'm not gonna do it.
We have a policy. Look.
Oh... Uh...Okay. Yeah, I-I understand.
Coulda pointed that sign out to me
before I spilled my fuckingguts out over here.
Alright, Matt.
I wanna congratulate youon being a fill-in drummer
for the most important showin Bakersfield history.
But I wanna see what we're working with.
Give me a beat...
Hey, that was pretty good, sport.
Lars, that beat would make David Silveriapuke his fucking brains out.
What's happened to you, dude?Have you gone soft?
Alright, boys.Let's get ready to get turnt.
Dude, what's up with your eyes?
Went to the eye doctorand he over dilated my pupils.
Says they're gonna be like thisfor at least a week.
Doesn't that make yousuper sensitive to light?
Yes. I'm in excruciating pain as we speak.
But let's not focus on the negative.
Let's get this jam session started, huh?
TainT 2.0, baby.
- What are you doing?- I'm gonna be your hype man.
Like the guy from Bosstones.
I'd rather have my entire familymurdered in front of me
before being comparedto the fucking Bosstones.
Wait, you have Matt playing drums?
Come on. He can't even hump hisSailor Moon pillow to a steady rhythm.
- Dad!- Cat's out of the bag, Matt.
You're a pillow humper.Maybe you should have more consideration
for the people you share walls with.
Don't worry, my man Matt'sgot this show on lock.
- Right, Matt?- Right, Papa Lars.
Papa Lars?
It's just a nickname, Stebe. Relax.
I... There's gotta be somethingI can do in the band.
Nothing. Literally nothing.
And you're gonna like itthat way. Now leave.
You're poisoningthe creative energy in here.
Well. It's pretty hot out here.
Can I get you guys some waters at least?
- I'll take a water, Stebe.- I wasn't asking you!
Son of a bitch!
Oh, God.
Hey, hey, hey. What is going on here?
It's FamGram.I just can't win.
And I'm doing it all by myself.
I just wish Stebe wouldcontribute for once.
You know, if I was your husband,I'd be proud to contribute to our FamGram.
- Really?- Are you kidding?
I'd post pictures of the meatsI'm smoking out in the backyard.
I'd have you take a pictureof me at Kenny's Lobster Shack
where I'd put a crab clawin my sweater sleeve
so it looks like my hand.
I'd write a caption like,"The operation went great."
God, that'd be the funniestthing I'd ever seen.
You know. This is embarrassingto admit but...
I've always dreamed of having a family.
And like, like a son who lookslike Timothy Chalamet,
a house on a rocky beach witha view of a foggy lighthouse.
You know...
It's like I always say,I just wanna live...
laugh... and, hell, I dunno, love.
I thought I was the only one.
You deserve a real husband, Deb.
Like a tall handsome guy that plays centerfor the Houston Rockets.
Thank you.
Or... I don't know.
Maybe an old, beaten-downguitarist of a NuMetal band.
I'm just messin' with you.
But I think Stebe is insaneto not be part of your online presence.
I would flaunt every second of it.
That's so sweet, Lars.
Hey. C'mere...
Shh-shh-shh-shh.
- How's FamGram going, hon?- Oh, like you care.
- I do care.- Bullshit, Stebe!
I've been busting my ass
trying to make a namefor this family on FamGram
and you haven't contributed one comment,
one picture, you haven'teven given us a like.
We're the laughing stock of the Internet
and all you can do is sit therelike a schlub and ask,
"How's FamGram going?"
Get out! You can sleepin the yard tonight.
But my feeble skin. It's night time.
It's a full moon out there.
Aah!
Fine.
What's up, Savages?
Are you ready for the greatestshow you've ever seen?
You suck.
Please welcome for the firsttime in over a decade...
TainT, with temporaryfill-in drummer Matt Hornsby.
- Alright!- Hell yeah!
What the fuck is up, Bakersfield?
This first song is called"Breakin' Shit."
What the F is this?
Oh, my God!
Want a son like Timothy Chalamet...
...house on a rocky beach witha view of a foggy lighthouse...
...like a tall handsome guy thatplays center for the Houston Rockets.
Oh my God.
...it's like I always say...
Yeah, Deb, they're great words to live by.
No, you don't understand.Lars manipulated me.
He read off my vision board andmade me think he actually related to me.
He knew about wanting the lighthouse,wanting Timothy Chalamet as my son...
God, what a dream that would be.
He even knew I wanted to bone Yao Ming.
- Oh, who doesn't.- He has families everywhere.
He siphons all the love from them,
and when he's donehe moves on to the next.
He's like a locust.
Hey. What the fuck was that?!You trying to bogart the show, dude?
Between you and this born-again civilian,
This whole show is turninginto a train wreck.
Theo, you can take yourfrustrations out on me,
but leave the kid alone.
That was a killer solo, Matt.
Hey, you don't nurturemy son's confidence.
Please. I've been mendingthis broken family
since I walked through the door, Stebe.
Yeah? And what family didyou abandon to do that?
- The drama.- What did you say?
- Yeah, what?- He has a plethora of families, Theo.
We're just one of many.
He doesn't care about us, hedoesn't even care about TainT.
He just wants to suck the lovefrom this family for himself
and then move on to the next one.
Come on, enough.Get off the stage, you jackass.
They're turning on you, Stebe.Just like everyone else.
Listen, everyone,I'm sorry to disrupt the show.
I... I'm just...
Sorry, dude, this stage is reservedexclusively for men with balls.
Now walk your ass off, Stebe with a "B."
Alright, you animals,we're gonna get this show back on track.
Now this next song is called...
Oh, you suck!
That guy is my patient.
I hope there's a special placein hell for sellouts.
That was awesome.
Oh, hey, Stebe. The usual?
- Yep.- You got it.
And maybe you could write myname wrong this time. Like I ask.
You really wanna go downthis road again, Stebe?
Oh, we're already down this road, Britney.
We've driven through the dead end sign
and smashed right throughthe front of a house.
We took out an entire family that was justenjoying a night in front of the TV.
That's a very grim directionto take the metaphor, Stebe.
I know.
Fortunately, no one was hurt and insurancecovered all damages in full.
Well, I'm sorry. But I can't do it.
Steve with a "V," as in"victorious." Write it.
It's store policy, Stebe.
Hey, Britney, you having any trouble here?
This customer's demanding that I writethe wrong name on his cup.
I see. Britney?
You write down whatever namethis customer asks you to.
What? That's right.
In fact, his money is no good here.
In the closest alley
In the first doorway
They got my name wrong again.
He pushed up against herand closed his eyes
He said, "This is probablythe worst decision
That I've ever made."
She laughed and smiled
She said, "I'm sure you dothis all the time, right?