The Yankees will be riding inany day now, Pablo.
Why is this dig taking so long?!
Well, General. It's your daughter.The men find her...
Distracting.
They think she may bea descendent of El Diablo!
The black clothes? The white make up?
Hey! I know it's a wild look for 1846but that could be a popular style one day!
When the time comes, she'll fit right in.
Señor Pablo! Señor Pablo,we found something!
The golden chalice!
Careful, General! These walls flowwith evil you can't imagine!
This is the Ancient Wall of Colo-Colo.
It tells the history of the chaliceand its true power.
We'll need to decipher this first.
The ancient architectsdid everything to ensure
nobody could escape with the chalice!
If we touch it, we'll all die.
Raven! No!
Raven!
So as you all know, my nephewBlake is still pretty sick,
and now his mother canno longer pay for his treatment.
I'm late.
Anyway, I started a website
where you can easily makea contribution of any size...
Oh, what? My outfit?
Alright, if you're gonna hassle meabout it I'll spill the beans.
You're no longer looking at Stebe Hornsby.
You're looking at Showbiz Stebe Hornsby.
'Cause I just landed the biggestbrand integration deal
in our company's history.This fall, Royal Crackers
will be featuredon an episode of "Casa De Papa,"
the biggest sitcom in Latin America.
We Hornsbys have been invitedto watch the live studio taping
in beautiful, sunny...
Burbank.
Burbank?! The mecca of show business?!
- Surely you jest.- I'm so jealous right now.
Stebe! We've been dreaming
about a Burbank vacationsince we were teenagers!
But, one day, life takes over,and suddenly it's not so easy
to hop onto I-5and cruise on down to the 'Bank.
Look, don't wanna brag,but unlike you civilians,
I've been to Burbank.
And even if Stebe is a super-cool
Hollywood producer now,we can't roll into that place
driving that rust bucket of ours.We'll be laughed at.
This is Jay Leno countrywe're talking about here.
- He's right.- Yeah.
Ooh. Why don't we rent a car, Stebe?
Like a Hummer.
Then we can fit the whole family.
You, me, Theo, Matt, our luggage,
your dad.
Don't you think he'd want to see his sonbecome the new Harvey Weinstein?
Hey. My cousin Ray is themanager down at Rent-A-Whip.
He can give us a great deal on a Hummer.
Let me take care of it.
Well... was gonna have Pacinodrop off the private jet
but I guess I can call it off.
- Our resident court jester over here.- Oh, Stebe.
Where's Darby with his Hummer?
I swear to God if we don't getthere before the IKEA closes,
I'm gonna lose my shit.
It's been over 9 minutes.
Should we call the police?
Have you lost your mind?Don't even talk like that.
You know the rule in this family...
No cops... ever.
Hey, there he is.
Darby, what is this?
Where's the Hummer, Darby?
I got to thinking.A Hummer is nice and all.
But I seem to remember you boys
telling me about a certain caryou've been dreaming
about since you were dick high...
a 1996 Dodge Viper.
Darby, that's a Saturn.
- No, it's not.- That's definitely a Saturn.
It says "Saturn" on it. No, it...
Th... This is the Viperyou've always wanted.
It's not, Darby.
Our dream car is a red '96 Dodge Viper.
The one that was offeredas a McDonald's Monopoly prize in '95.
We spent an entire summer trying to findthat goddamn Atlantic Avenue piece.
Only to find out thatthe whole game was scammed
by some asshole in Florida,
as explained in the documentary"Super Size Me."
My brother's right.
Except he's citing the wrong documentary.
He's thinking of "McMillions" on HBO Max.
We shoved fast food down our fat gullets
every single day trying to win that car.
You have any idea what kinda toll thattakes on the human body, Darby?
Watch "Super Size Me" to find out.
The point of the Hummerwas that our luggage
and the whole family could fit.
Now someone has to stay here.
You may have caused a suicide here.
You do realize that, don't you?
You know what, Darb? Now that my fatherhas to miss out on Burbank,
you're gonna take care of himand the house.
There better not be as much as a scratchon his dick when we get back.
Or the house.
Theo, it... it kinda means the world to methat Dad comes on the trip.
I love you,
but can you maybe skipBurbank this weekend?
Please?
- For me?- That depends.
Can you handle coming hometo my shit-covered corpse
hanging in your bedroom?
Bye. Have a good trip.
Well, Theodore,looks like we're in for another one
of our classic fuckboy weekends.
Wish I could go back to '95and pull that off.
Oh, my God, that's the soundstagefor "Straight Goofin.'"
And there's "Just in the Knick of Tim."
Um, I could get used to this.
This is hard to explain, but...I feel like I was always meant to be here,
like I'm finally home.
Excuse me. You lost?
We didn't do anything.
We thought about goingon the set of "Bar Buddies"
to take a pictureas though it was a real bar,
but then keen-eyed fans of the show
would see that we were actuallyon the set of "Bar Buddies."
But we didn't. We didn't do that.
I swear to God we didn't.
Wait a minute.
I recognize that voice.
You are Stebe Hornsby, yes?
Yeah. That's right. Who's askin', Jack?
Señor Hornsby, it's me.
Juan-Carlos Pozole.
Executive producer on "Casa De Papa."
We met over Zoom, remember?
Oh. How's it going, Mr. Pozole?
Call me Juan-Carlos.
Listen, I'm on my wayto the set right now.
Why don't you hop on?And I'll drive you there.
Delete the "Bar Buddies" pics...
immediately.
Ha. Well, we're off to a fantastic start.
Remember this? I did this little numberat the company Christmas party last year,
and everyone got so freaked outthey put me on medical leave for a month.
Ha ha!
Joey, there's a full dance crewtearing it up in there.
What? The house was supposed to be empty.
Ah, man, maybe we should leave.I don't wanna go back to jail.
I-I mean, how do we knowthe chalice is even in there?
What if this Theo guytook it with him to Burbank?
Not a chance.
You heard what The Traveler said.
It only leaves his housewhen he's on tour.
Calls it his "Stage Cup."
Okay. And what do you want to do
about those fivephenomenal dancers in there?
I don't know, Danny.
But The Traveler gave us a job,
and if we don't deliver,there'll be hell to pay.
I ain't leaving herewithout that golden chalice.
Then every wiseguy in Bakersfield's
gonna wanna hire The Earl Grey Bandits.
Alright. Cut!
This is awesome.
I don't even need to know Spanish
'cause the studio audiencetells me when to laugh.
Hey, how are my V.I.P.s doing over here?
You enjoying the show? Sure.
But what I'm not enjoyingis this cucumber water.
I specifically requestedhalf sparkling, half still.
This is all sparkling.
My throat is on fire right now.
My sincerest apologies, Mr. Hornsby.
I'll have my assistant bring you another.
Stebe, I want to jumpyour freaking bones right now.
Save it for the BurbankHoliday Inn Jacuzzi, babe.
Holy shit. There it is.
Ooooh. Logo facing out.
Was part of the deal.
Theo?! Deb?!
Can you help me in here?!
Hey, Danny. He's foolin' us.
There ain't nobody in there.
Think about it, brain bath.
These people just took a trip to Burbank.
That means they're showbiz royalty.
Probably got accessto holograms to make it
look like there wasa dance party going on.
The guy in there? He's scared.
And he's all alone.
We pull this off and play our cards right,
maybe one day, we'll be ableto drive down to Burbank.
Theodore. I thinkthere's burglars outside.
What do we do?
Oh, no. No!
This is not the time for that"no police" mentality of yours.
These guys could be dangerous.
But I swore to you when you fellinto your sleep state
that I'd always take care ofyour family and keep them happy.
Well, I failed today.
I made them sad by rentingthat ugly-ass car from Rent-A-Whip.
Fine. We'll defend this house ourselves.
...Royal Crackers.
Yuck!
Oooooh! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Ohh!
Can't get enough, can you, Tío Pepe?
Ay.
He must have eaten something earlierthat doesn't agree with him.
The Royal Crackersare making me feel sick.
What the hell? He speaks English now?
Royal Crackers.
Royal Crackers!
Y'all picked the wrong house today!
Showtime.
Steps feel a little sticky.
Come and get me, losers.
I don't have any more plans.
Uh, excuse me. Mr. Pozole?
Hey, hey. Señor Hornsby.
The water was not too sparkly, I hope?
The water was always delicious.I was just trying to impress my wife.
The problem is that you've gota character sick and in pain
because he ate my father's crackers.
I know it does not look goodright now, but I promise...
You'll be very happywith how the story wraps up.
Ay. Ay.
Okay, thank you, Mr. Pozole.
Ay, gracias. Ay, gracias.
Hey, be careful!
I got Deb that Venetian cabinetfor her birthday.
Joey, I've gone throughthe TainT guy's room
three times now. It ain't in there.
God damn it!
Hey, man. Those are100% cotton king-sized pillows.
Stebe gets groggy if he sleepson anything else.
Oh, don't even get mestarted on Theo's jack towels.
Hey, hey. No. You don't wanna go in there.
Trust me.
Hey, youHey, you
- What was in there?- Huh? Nothing.
I don't wanna talk about it.
Hey, I tried to warn you, dude.
Alright, I give up.
The NuMetal guy's gobletwith the ruby in it.
- Where is it?- Theo's Stage Cup?
Ha. I know exactly where it is.
But you can kiss my wrinkly nutsif you think I'm gonna tell you.
Watch it, pal.
You're messing with the Earl Grey Bandits.
It's The Traveler.
She's here.
Hey, the '90s called.
They want their sensibilities back.
I'm The Traveler.
Years ago, I answered a casting callto be an extra in TainT's music video
for the song "Loose Lips"off of their second album.
That day, I wore the goldenchalice around my neck to look cool.
It looked so cool, in fact,that during his performance,
Theo Hornsby Jr. dove into the crowdand ripped it right off my neck
so he could take a swig for the camera.
And he never gave it back.
I've traveled a long timeto get here, Darby Blarchardt.
So stop wasting any more of it and tell me
where the golden chalice of Colo-Colo is.
- Th... Third.- What did you say?
"Loose Lips" was off their third album.
Poser!
Okay.
We do this the fun way.
...horrible Royal Crackers.
Cut!
Oh, that's it.
Hey. Asshole.
You said I was gonna be happywith this ending.
And I'm not happy.
And I would know. I'm veryin touch with my emotions.
Stebe. You were upsetthat the crackers were hurting Tío Pepe,
and now he is dead.
Would you rather see the character suffer?
No. I wanna see him eatthe crackers and say,
"Hey, these are pretty good."
That'd be a great scene.And I'm not even a writer.
Why are you being sucha whiny bitch about this, bro?
There was nothing in the deal about acharacter shitting himself to death
after eating my father'scrackers, you dickhead.
You ready to talk?
Or do we need to take this up a notch?
Joey, go out to the van and grabthe "Garden State" soundtrack.
No! Enough!
I'll tell you where it is.
It's in the dishwasher downstairs.
You... ran an ancient artifactwith magical powers
through a dishwasher?
Theo's never washed the damn thing.
He could get sick.
Here you go, boss.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Sorry I had to rough you up.
Well, it might be a minutebefore I can accept that.
The path to forgivenesscan be a long and windy road,
but you know what I've learned?
Forgiveness...It's not for the other person.
- It's for you.- We'll be out of your way now.
We just wanna leave youwith our calling card.
Calling card?
Wh... No! No!
Don't do it. No.
Now you find out why they call us...
Don't you do it, you sons of bitches!
...The Earl Grey Bandits.
Ha ha ha.
Yeah!
No, no.
No. No.
You teabag me before you teabag Theodore.
You teabag me!
Run!
You teabag me!
Mr. Hornsby. Don't go anywhere.
I'm getting that goddamn Stage Cup back.
How are you keeping steadyon those Rollerblades?
They got brakes, motherfucker.
I think we lost him.
Oh, no, you don't, bitch.
Mine!
Give. Me. My. Chalice.
Where the heck am I?
Hey. Love those blades, man.
Hot.
The chalice warps you to the year 1995.
Oh-ho-ho, Darby.
What kind of crazy junkare we about to get into?
Holy shit.
I mean, I'm still not seeingthe problem, Stebe.
I thought that storyline was hilarious.
Like my man Rogan says, funny is funny.
Honey, you're looking at it all wrong.
"Casa De Papa" made Royal Crackers
look like the greatest laxativein the world.
Do you know how many people suffer fromconstipation on a day-to-day basis?
Not Latinos.
Those guys are shittingconstantly down there.
I'm sorry, guys.
But nothing is gonna cheer me upfor a long time.
What the hell? It's the middle of June.
Dad? That you under that bow?
Hey, what's this?
A '96 Dodge Viper!
You did it, Darby. You really did it.
Oh, Darby, you did it again.
What did you get up towhile we were away, Darb?
Well, let's just say "McMillions"
is one hell of a documentary.
Darby?! Did you wash my Stage Cup?!