Deb, wake up!
Get to the garage.There's no time to explain.
Stebe, what is going on?
Sit.
So you know how I've beenin here night after night
for the last six months trying to come up
with the perfect presentationfor Cracker Con?
- No.- Well, I've finally done it.
Deb Hornsby, I'd like you to bethe first human ever
to meet Royal Crackers new mascot...
Captain Cracker.
Oh, wow! That reallyshows off your body, Stebe.
I know. It's also designed towithstand 450 degrees of heat,
the exact temperatureour crackers bake at.
Seems a little unnecessary but okay.
Captain Cracker originallyhails from Earth
but a space mishap sent himdeep into the galaxy
- where he landed on planet Cracktus...- Fun.
...which was inhabitedby ruthless native savages.
Oh. Ooh.
But Captain Cracker,with his supreme intelligence...
- Um...- ...dismantled their feeble customs
and forced them to assimilateto his culture...
Oh, I don't know about that.
...allowing him to reapCracktus' natural resources
to create the universe'smost delicious snack,
Royal Crackers.
Well? What do you think?
Uh, it seems...
It's great.
I thought so, too. I was like,
"This seems perfectly tailoredfor a Cracker Convention."
Great, so it's settled... from now on,
shoes must be worn in the bathroom.
More bureaucratic red tapeto ruin the fun, huh?
Nobody's on your side on this, Al.
Finally, last order of business...
Cracker Con, where allthe big dogs in the snack biz
head to Primm, Nevada to sniffout which dogs are all bark,
- and which ones are willing to bite...- Stebe...
...and this year, we wanteveryone sniffing our butts...
- Stebe, uh...- ...and not Dennison Snacks' butts.
When are you gonna acceptthat you're terrible with metaphors?
Look th... the point is,
Dennison Snacks has outshined usfor the last time,
because this year,with our brand new innovation,
mini-bags, we're primedto bring the house down.
- Brilliant! It's brilliant.- So smart. It can't miss.
But, of course, in order to do that,
we're going to needone kickass presentation.
That's why this year,I won't be the one presenting...
- Oh, thank God.- Smart, Stebe.
Know your weaknesses.
A wall is only as strongas its loosest brick.
Now that's a metaphor.
It's about time we utilizemy stage powers, Stebe,
because I came up with the perfect ideafor the presentation.
This is the Cracker Cannon.
It's got "shut the fuck upand eat our crackers"
written all over it.
Whoa, okay, alright, sorry,I've got to dial it back.
- Mmm. Taste's even better.- It's delicious.
All in favor of medoing the presentation this year
armed with this bad boy,say "Cracker Cannon."
Cracker Cannon!
Yeah!
Hell yeah dude!
- Yeah!- Very good!
Hey, it's the Royal Crackers team.
All hail the royal family of crackers.
What do you want, Dennison?
Well, I just wanted to tell ya
that I hope you all havea great convention.
Oh, don't worry.
I'm handling the presentation this year,so we got Best in Show on lock.
Yikes. Well, we're following you guys soI hope your presentation isn't too good.
Ah, I'm just kidding.A rising tide lifts all boats.
Good luck.
That guy's a real a piece of shit.
Alright, worker bees,queen bee's got to head out
but I'll be back by showtimeto bring home that honey.
The Queen bee doesn't leave the hive.
Some metaphor.
Hey, it's not just about the presentation,we've also got to work the booth.
I'm a headliner, okay?I've got to get in the right head space.
It's very nuanced and personal process,and I don't want to get into it right now.
- What's your process?- I get my dick sucked.
This isn't a NuMetal show, Theo.
You don't need to exploit some poor girlto give a business presentation.
First of all, every show I dois a NuMetal show, Deb.
And I'm not exploiting anyone, okay?
I've got an old flamein Primm named Hazelnut.
She was so into me, you could argue thatI'll be the one being exploited.
Hazelnut?
What is she, a stripper or something?
No, she's not a stripper.
Oh, my God, Deb. What do you take me for?
Jesus, I'm out of here. Bye.
- Where are you guys going?- With Theo, obviously.
We'll be like Leo DiCap's Pussy Posse.
What the heck does that mean?
Ha! Imagine, gentlemen,not understanding that reference.
So where's this girlfriend of yours, Theo?
Ha! She's not my girlfriend, Grandpa.
We had an arrangement.TainT would come into town,
and then she would go to townon my rock-hard body.
She sounds like a real special gal, Theo.
Whoa! The cheetah onejust touched my shoulder.
I think she's into me. What do I do?
Should I talk to her?Do you dare me to talk to her?
'Cause I'll do it.Don't even test me like that.
Ooh, I hear wedding bells.
Darby. This is what they do.
They make you think they're into you.
Next thing you know you're forkin' overthousands of dollars at the ATM.
Get a grip, guys.
Look, I'll be right back.
I'm gonna go see if my girlfriend'son the schedule tonight.
Wow. This is the kind ofinside intelligence
only a guy like Theo can provide.
Hey, hot stuff,is Hazelnut workin' tonight?
Who? Don't worry, I'm not some creep.Her and I have a thing.
And before you even ask,uh, yeah, it's real.
Look, I'm Theo Hornsby.
Lead singer of TainT?
Matt Pinfield did a pieceabout us on Pinfield Presents.
Who's Matt Pinfield?
There's no time for that.
I'm presenting at Cracker Con tonight,
and I can't go onstagewithout seeing Hazelnut.
- Where is she?- Sorry, pal.
We have this unique policy
where we don't give outdancer's personal info.
Okay, I see what's happening here.
You think I'm this loser lostin some fantasy over a dancer.
Dude, even if I could help you,you have any idea how many dancers
have used the stage name Hazelnut?
You think Hazelnut was her stage name?
Hey, Theo. Big TainT-head over here.
And performer to performer, I get it.
Listen, there's a computer databasein the manager's office.
It has every dancerthat's ever worked here.
Addresses, phone numbers,pictures... you name it.
Oh, nice. Thanks, dude. You're alright.
No problem.
Uh, hey, I was just wonderingif I could give you this?
Maybe you can give my stuff a listen?
Sorry, dude, I'm not helping some hack
who sits around pushing "play"on a MacBook.
I've been interviewed by the likesof Matt Pinfield, loser.
Don't you ever compare yourself to me!
Alright, alright, uh, l-let's...let's keep it going for...
Listen, I'm sorry, everyone.
I just can't perform right now.
It's true what they say.Never meet your heroes.
Okay, everybody relax. Samples are coming.
Uh, honey, do you thinkyou could help me out over here?
Help? Wow, Deb, that's rich.
You couldn't even speak upfor me at the meeting.
Now you want my help? Thank you.
I've never laughed so hard in my life.
Ugh, Stebe. Captain Crackerwas not the brilliant idea
you think it was, okay?
You didn't like the suit?
Matt, cover your ears.
That suit has been dominatingmy sexual fantasies
since the moment I laid eyes on it.
It was everything elsethat was the problem.
- What everything else?- Uh, the origin story?
It's wildly problematic.
You're just not hearing it right.
The Indigenous people of Cracktusdidn't know what was best for them.
Captain Cracker showed themtheir true potential
with his superior... mind...
Okay, you know what? I'm out of here.
Maybe I'll go findone human being around here
who isn't constantly tryingto make me feel so small!
Great. You're just going to leave me here
with your incapacitated fatherand our useless son?
Calm down. His ears were covered.
Matt, you can put them down now.
I'm in.
There you are, you beautiful angel.
Don't you worry. Theo's gonna save you
from all those creepy psychos.
Hey! What the hell are you doing in here?
Wait. Let me explain.
You come into my club, belittle my deejay,
use up my ink cartridge,
and now you're trying to stalkone of my girls?
Performers aren't property, suit.
It's not what you think.
Hazelnut and I have a real connection.
If I hadn't beensuch a rebellious road dog,
we might have a hundred babies right now.
You're lucky I'm a pacifist, dawg.
You need to listen to some Ram Dass.
- Hey!- Aah!
No. Fucking stop.
Aah! Why did I choose color?
Come here, you.
Let's get out of here!
Get...
Matt, hurry up.
Get the fuck out of my way.
I already gave you one, rice cake lady.
No. You're thinkingof the brown rice cake lady.
Yeah, exactly. That's you.
No, that was her.
I'm a white cake, you racist.
Uh, I mean, here, take as manyas your arms can carry.
Hey, we haven't gotten any yet.This booth is unfair.
Come on, everyone. Royal Crackers sucks!
Royal Crackers sucks!
Settle down, everybody settle down.
Royal Crackers sucks!
Suck on this!
Mom, I thought that was onlyfor the presentation.
Hmm, those are good.
Well, isn't that a fun-looking toy?
Hey, buddy, how's it going?
You feel like no one valuesyour well-intentioned
but fatally flawed ideas?
Yeah. Me, too.
Oh, what? You want some of this?Here you go.
Hey, that wasn't for you.
Do you have any ideahow much that meant to him?
It meant everything.
Get back here, you freakin' cock block.
Hey uh, is...
uh, Linda around?
Oh, Linda's my daughter.
Oh, you're Mrs. Nut.
You know, your daughter and Ihad quite a thing
back in the day. She was my Primm-trimm.
Why has she not had sex with him yet?
Patience, Al.
The art of flirtation is a delicate dance.
Well, Linda doesn't live here anymore.
She's married.
Married? To who? Is he also a rock starand one-time MTV Movie Award nominee
for best song in a movie teaser?
I don't believe so.He owns a siding company.
Wow. I don't even know what that is.
Listen, I needyour daughter's address, ma'am.
Time is of the essence.
Oh, I'm sorry, dear.I couldn't tell you that.
Listen, lady. If Hazelnut finds out
I came around looking for herand she didn't get to see me,
she might kill herself.
Like, that's a legitimate fear I havestanding here right now.
My hands are actuallyshaking thinking about it.
Look.
- Young man, I...- Look, look, look, look.
See it?
Okay, I need to be getting backto my husband now.
He's very sick.
Have a nice day.
Okay, have a nice day, ma'am.
What are you doing?
Stop it.
I'm sorry. But I have a process.
It's nuanced and personal.
Lunch break is over.
Hand me the cannon.
- It's not here.- What happened?
Oh, my God.
Hey, Dennisons!
Oh, hey there, Deb.
A Pickle Biscuit for the Royal Duchess
of Crackershir... Ow.
Where's the cracker cannon, Ron?
It's missing, and I know you took it.
We need it for our presentation.Give it back.
Is that the cool, little gunyou were shooting over there?
Oh, raspberries.It looked like so much fun.
Was just about to head over and ask you
to shoot a big, hot loadright in my stupid wet mouth.
Hey, Dennison clan.
Sarah, Sebastian, Hailey,twins, Gus, listen up.
Deb here, from Royal Crackers,
said they're missing somethingfrom their booth.
Now, did anyone see it?
Well, there it is. Definitive proof.
Trust me, lying is the ultimate no-nounder the Dennison roof.
It's the kryptoniteto a foundation of trust.
Well, thank you for checking.
Good luck tonight!
Mmm. Why don'twe make crackers this good?
Why don't you go to boarding school?
Honey, those guys have been staring at usfor the last 15 minutes.
- Are you sure that's her?- Oh, I'm sure alright.
Her return addressis right here on the corner
of this ugly card she sent her dad.
Man, it's like staringinto an alternate reality.
That could've been my house,my yard, my kids.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but...I think this might be it for me.
The greatest love storieshave the twistiest turns, Theo.
Hands in, everyone.
Ah. Ooh. Careful.
Today I stand on the shouldersof everyone in this car.
Thank you for being onthis journey with me today.
We love you, Theo.
Time to get my asshole wet.
Hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.What the hell are you doing, buddy?
Excuse me. Who are you?
Everyone relax. I'm not crazy.
- It's me, Theo.- Who?
Theo Hornsby. From TainT?
- Stop acting like you don't know.- Theo, what are you doing here?
- You know this guy?- Hazelnut, listen to me now.
- Who's Hazelnut?- Oh, God.
Today, I hacked into the computer networkof a local strip club,
I got the living shit beatout of me by the manager,
I committed a federal offenseby stealing some dickhead's mail,
all to be standing here in front of you.
I want to spend the restof my life with you.
This is my son's birthday party.
- Get out of here.- But I love you!
Buddy, I'm gonna knock you the fuck outif you don't walk out of here.
Okay, fine. I'm leaving, okay?
God, does everyone in this townresolve everything with violence?
Shut up, you fucking posers.
You know what? I'm glad we don't have kids
because it looks like youruterus only produces assholes.
Ugh, come... come on.
- You have to lift the latch!- What latch?
- There's a latch on the...- Stop yelling at me!
Don't hit me. I'm going.
Oh, my God, just wait a second.He's trying to open it for you.
Stuck. It's stuck.
Hazelnut!
Why?!
Now he's just got to stick the landing.
You know how I felt today?
I felt...
small.
But maybe that's not such a bad thing.
Sometimes small is good.
Just like Royal Crackers mini-bags.
So you can smile, you cansit there looking happy,
just know that, one day, sooner or later,we're all gonna die.
More importantly,we're all gonna die alone.
Royal Crackers mini-bags.
When life makes you feel...
small.
Okay, that was Theo Hornsby Jr.from Royal Crackers.
Uh, and, uh, now,the moment you've all been waiting for,
please welcome to the stageDennison Snacks.
Whoo! Alright!
Let's go. Yeah! Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey.
What's up, Cracker Con?
Yeah!
Give it up for all thepresentations you saw tonight.
And how good was that last one?
Before we introduce you
to some of Dennison Snacks'newest products,
we want to fill those mouthswith some rockin' flavors.
I knew it.
Who wants some Dennison Cheese Puffs?
Those sons of bitches.
Out of the way.
And I'll tell you something else.
Nothing's going to ruin tonight.
Uh-oh, Ron, you spoke too soon.
I hear the thunderous footsteps of...
- Snackersaurus.- Snackersaurus?
The mythical creature who only likesthe most delicious snacks in the world?
I guess it would make sense thathe'd be at our presentation.
Whoa! Uh, hey, Snackersaurus,
I feel like your fire output settingsmight be a little too high.
See, Ram Dass believesthat true enlightenment
comes when one's consciousnesstranscends time.
But I, me, exists only in the now?
Turn the fucking fire down!
Excuse me. I have an announcement to make.Ron Dennison is a lying piece of shit.
He stole our cracker cannon.
Get out of my way, you fucking loser.
Get out of my way, you fat bitches.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ma'am, we need to get off the st...
Don't call me Ma'am.
What am I, like five years older than you?
Oh, my God.
Theo, come on.
No. This is right.
This is how it ends.
This temporary feeling ofrejection is too much to bear.
Come on.
Take me, you son of a bitch.
Put an end to this viciousgauntlet of suffering.
See the path in the sky
Stand down, Snackersaurus.
You are no match for Captain Cracker,
a trademarked intellectual property
of the Royal Cracker Company.
Put it on the line, and I feel fine
Maybe you're mine
Supertime
Put it on the line, and I feel fine
Maybe you're mine
Supertime
You got to hold on
Oh, my God! Dad!
Stebe.
Supertime
Wait, Stebe, turn the fuckerup to "Too Much."
Oh, yeah.
You got to hold on
You got to, you got to
I know the problem.
We need a snack with some real nuts.
You got to, got to, got to, got to hold on
You got to hold on
You got to
Hold on
You got to hold on
Stebe, I got to admit,
that was one hell of a presentation.
One question about Captain Cracker...
is he taken?
He's married, but it's never stoppedhim from having his fun.
Just ask the Indigenous women of Cracktus.
Okay, just... never mind.
Hazelnut, I'm so sorry.
I don't know what got into me today.
No, you were right. My life was a prison,
and now I'm free to be with the front manof one of Matt Pinfield's
top five NuMetal bands of Bakersfield.
I knew when you touched my shoulderyou were trying to tell me something.
I was. I love you.
Yep, looks like everyone's going to bedwith wet assholes tonight.
You got to hold on
You got to, you got to
You got to hold on
You got to, got to, got to, got to hold on
You got to hold on