♪
Patton Jefferson liked my post.
I don't care.
Which one, you ask?
"Hey, Toronto, let's fix the highways
with fake meat and feminism."
- Sounds like a mad lib. - You sound like a mad lib.
Oh, that's a good one. Hi. Paige Phlip?
- Hey. - Hi. I'm Jaq.
Um, Wendy's expecting you. Just one second.
Wendy?
Yeah. How you doing? Paige Phlip?
That's an interesting name.
What is that, European or something?
No. It's a house name.
All my siblings are part of the Phlip dynasty.
Aerial Phlip. Twist Phlip. Table Phlip.
What, what? You're a...
WENDY: Paige Phlip?
- Wendy Yarmouth. - You look fantastic.
Here. Let me show you the setup for story time.
Great.
Thank you so much for coming, Paige.
That's a drag queen, yeah?
Mm-hmm. Yeah. What was your first clue?
She's here to read for story time.
Sally has hand-foot-mouth disease.
- That's our story time reader? - Mm-hmm.
Fudge bags. Oh, this is going to be a whole thing.
Excuse me.
Uh, you're not excused.
Oh. Did you need something else?
Mm-hmm. Um...
Uh, okay. Now, you're excused.
- Oh, Bryce? - Yeah?
- Now, you're excused. - Argh!
Oh.
Flower delivery here?
Strange.
Ah, thanks.
(CHUCKLING) They're for Alvin Canada.
Gross.
Yeah. From a client of his, I guess.
"Roses are red. Money is green.
Thanks for your advice and time to convene."
What it should say is,
"Roses are red. Money is green. You're a loser."
You know what? I might write that one down.
No, no, no. That's a felony.
I'm going to have a word with him.
Mm-hmm. Uh, wait. Can you give these to him?
I think he's getting audited.
- (SIGHING) - Yeah.
- Oh. - Oh, no. I...
That's so sweet.
(STAMMERING) Oh.
Oh.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
- Correct. - Oh, yeah. That's a good one.
Why is the man dressed like a woman?
Shh.
BRYCE: She's confusing the kids.
- Do you like this one? - Oh, I do like this one.
And now, we are losing patrons. Great.
Are you going to read that?
What? No. Here.
Wait.
- You look conservative. - Thank you.
Did you know there's a drag queen here to read to children?
Show me.
- Great, great, great. - This one's a fabulous one.
This one is about...
- Subhan Allah. - Yeah. Exactly.
You calling your boys down at the mosque?
Razia, there's a drag queen at the library.
Story time.
No. For the children.
Yes. Kids. Okay. Be quick.
She's on her way.
- Tell me something. - Mm-hmm?
Why is it only for the children?
You can direct all your complaints
to Wendy, our branch manager. She...
- Wait. Did you say "only"? - My wife loves "Drag Race."
We don't have any kids,
but is it all right if we sit in the back?
Will the queen take a selfie with us?
Oh, for...
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sorry, folks.
If you're here for story time, I hate to tell you
there's been a bit of an issue.
Our reader cancelled, and our branch manager here
thought it'd be a good idea to have a...
- Paige Phlip! - Don't point, honey. It's rude.
You're here to see the drag queen with your children?
Oh, yes, we are. My kids love her.
We saw her post and rushed right down.
Come on, kiddos. Let's get a good seat.
- Thanks for your help. - I didn't help you.
- Come on. - Come on down, kiddos.
- Get in there. Aw. - Great.
- Welcome. - This one's for you.
Psst.
Oh. I'm sorry. Can you hold this for one second?
- Okay. Yep. - I just have to...
I'll talk to you later.
I just want to have a quick word, if you don't mind.
Just this way, okay?
Do you think this is appropriate for such young children?
Young? There are a few little ones,
but this is the biggest crowd we've had yet.
Kids should not be exposed to adult issues.
Adult issues?
Sexuality is not a topic that should be explored at story time, Wendy.
Sexuality? Paige is using the same approved book list as Sally.
The book? Ha!
Kids are going to have questions about him, not the book.
I got to say, Bryce, I was really hoping that you would
not be as closed-minded as you're being right now.
Okay. Look. Paige can do whatever she/her does
at the nightclubs and the discotheques or whatever.
But the library is a safe space. Okay?
And how is it closed-minded to want to protect children?
Protect them from what?
How is a parent supposed to explain
a drag queen to their kids?
It's pretty simple. Dad just explained to me.
A drag queen is a man, but doesn't have to be a man,
who dresses up fancy for a performance,
and it's part of being their true self.
Bryce, really?
JAQ: Well, you tried.
Oh, no. No. This is not over.
It's a sit-in.
PAIGE: Of pretty flowers...
This is a sit-in!
Keep story time safe for children.
Keep story time safe for children!
Hashtag, make story time great again.
- Do not post that, Jaq. - Post it.
Ahmed, my dude, it's already posted.
Don't post that, Jaq. Jaq? Jaq? (SIGHING)
Why are you coming from that way?
Well, you know, it's the most efficient way to go
if you want to take the long way around
to avoid seeing Sheila again.
What did you do?
I had to go past the suit of happiness room,
through a back alley, down the freight elevator...
No, dummy. Why?
I think she thought that
Alvin's flowers were from me to her.
And when she kind of reached for them,
I sort of yanked them away.
Ugh.
And she played it off like she didn't reach for them.
- I ran. - Cringe.
I know.
But then, I don't know. Maybe that means that
she kind of, I don't know, wants flowers from me?
But what does a married woman want with flowers from me?
Well, who told you she was married?
- Bryce? - Bryce.
- So, she's not married? - Well, technically, she is.
But you know, she's separated and finalizing her divorce.
So long as we're on this line of questioning, you know, is she dating?
I mean, you know, who's all dating? Is Wendy? Are you?
I want to know about all my co-workers, not just Sheila.
Okay. Oh, my God. Dude, shoot your shot.
Oh.
Go.
And when I turn the page, you say, "Paige Phlip."
- Paige Phlip! - Yes, Kareem.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
Shh. What is the problem now?
Patton Jefferson reposted that story time photo
that Jaq took of me.
- Don't you love that guy? - With all my heart.
- Then it's a good thing. - No. He wrote,
"Look at these immoral liberals wasting our tax dollars.
And this clown's just sitting there letting it happen."
I'm not the clown. That's the clown!
- (EVERYONE GASPING) - Excuse me?
Bryce, I think you should go on your break now.
Go on your break!
Go on.
He's lucky that wasn't Kick Phlip.
"Jameson Library is committed to creating
a diverse and safe environment for its employees
and our patrons regardless of age, colour, race,
gender identity or expression... "
(CRUNCHING)
"... sexual orientation... "
(CRUNCHING)
"... national origin,
genetics... "
(CRUNCHING)
"... religion, disability, citizenship
or immigration status."
JAQ: Quick question.
How many lunches have to be ruined by sensitivity training
because Bryce said something stupid?
(CRUNCHING)
He's not even taking this seriously.
You know, he offended one of our patrons.
How is she, or is it he?
"It"?
Oh, no. I didn't mean to say that.
- I'm so sorry. - Paige is "she/her."
Roger-roger. Thank you. Shutting up.
WENDY: Regardless of pronouns,
if you see something that you believe violates this statement,
you can report the incident to me
or our assistant branch manager.
(CRUNCHING)
Actually, best to report it to me.
I like Paige. She's more provocative.
What exactly is provocative about her?
Oh, no. Did I do it again? Owen, I'm so sorry.
Why me?
- Your moms. - They're not drag queens.
I haven't eaten.
Don't. Don't.
(CRUNCHING)
Is this chip carbonated?
Look. I thought Paige did a fantastic job,
but we shouldn't sideline Sally
just 'cause she's not a drag queen.
- Right on, Howie. - I'm not on your side.
Don't you find Sally a little bit vanilla?
Are we allowed to say "vanilla"?
Yes, but white ladies cannot say "chocolate."
- (LAUGHING, CHOKING) - Bryce?
Went down the wrong hole.
My acai smoothie!
(SLURPING)
I'm okay. I'm okay.
- (MICROWAVE BEEPING) - Oh. Just a second.
(SIGHING)
If we have to do another sensitivity seminar,
we're going to need a workplace violence meeting.
Yes. I wholeheartedly agree.
Could I get your opinion on something?
How would you go about wooing someone?
Oh, damn it. Are we still on this conversation?
- Help me out? - Mm-mmm.
Okay. Well, I could do it myself.
I could find Sheila's number.
Just get her handle and like a few of her posts
and slide into her DMs like a normal person would.
And now, don't talk to me for 10 minutes.
- See? Handles. There's a... - 10 minutes.
Thank you. Goodbye.
Time to go home. Got work to do around here.
- Bryce, Bryce? - Real work. Yeah? What?
I am really disappointed that
you didn't take the meeting seriously.
Who did? Thing was a mess.
Tanya left that meeting
more confused than when it started, all right?
If Tanya can't understand, how do you expect kids to?
Kids don't understand a lot of things.
But both Tanya and kids are open to learning,
which is more than I can say about you right now.
You make me come to these meetings
to understand your point of view,
but you never have meetings to listen to mine.
How is that inclusive?
Your point of view is literally excluding
a vital member of our community.
Hmm. It's a slippery slope, and not the waterpark kind
but equally as dangerous.
If you have a drag queen reading to kids, who's next?
Who's next?
PAIGE: Excuse me. I've about had enough.
Honey, you are a dinosaur.
And you better evolve before you go extinct,
you dusty old pattosaur.
Patt-riot, actually, okay?
Before misinformation meteors rain down on you
and relegate you to irrelevance,
evolve, boo-boo, before they find your fossils
and the kids find out that what could've been
a magnificent creature is actually just
an oversized chicken with a pea-sized brain.
They're gonna put your bones on display, you ignoramus Rex.
Dinosaur!
JAQ: Do his clothes now. Do his clothes.
Wait a minute. I'll start.
This outfit is one Tiki torch away from a hate crime.
PAIGE: Mm-hmm.
Look at that sad plaid and tacky khaki.
Where'd you get your clothes from, huh? H&M?
Heterosexual and Mad about it?
- You ate that. - Mmm!
What is happening?
I believe you got read to filth.
PAIGE: Yes, you did, honey.
Consider the library closed.
Closed.
- It's closed. - If this is what story time is like,
we need to tell the boys at the mosque.
Hey, Sheila. Um, you need some help?
- No, I'm good. - Oh.
Actually, sure. Thank you.
- So, did you see the... - How are you?
Uh, you first.
Sorry.
So, did you see the commotion
with Wendy and Bryce?
- Yeah. Paige is so cool. - Yeah. She is.
I actually got a picture with her for my socials.
Can I see that? Oh, give me your handle.
Oh. It's my full name with "XO" at the end.
Uh-huh.
Wow. You know what? These are really handsome...
What?
Excuse me. I'm just...
... looking for the exercise and sports science section?
No. I'm here to talk to my...
Howard, this is Adonis.
Yes. I can see that.
Adonis is my ex-husband.
Current husband.
- Ex-husband. - Current husband.
I said what I said. It's ex.
Okay. Whatever. It's winter. Where's your jacket?
- I run hot. - Sorry.
If could just excuse us for one second...
This way.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY IN ANOTHER ROOM)
Adonis.
I feel horrible about today.
Oh, don't. Nothing can make me hate this place. It's magic.
Oh, it is magic.
And Bryce? He should not have been so rude.
Thanks for trying to talk to him.
We can't move forward unless we talk to each other.
But still, I want to make it up to Parkdale's drag community,
and I have an idea.
Girl! Lay it on me.
SHEILA: What are you doing here?
- I have tried calling you. - You cannot come down here.
You're going to have to learn to be more covert
with your eavesdropping.
I wasn't eavesdropping.
Everybody else is eavesdropping.
They're just better at it than you.
See Tanya, putting books back on the shelf?
It's the same book.
Puts it on the shelf, then takes it right back off.
HOWARD: That's why she's always shelving.
Uh-huh. That lady checking her makeup?
Her mirror is pointed directly at Sheila and that Adonis.
And look. That kid's been tying their shoelace
for the past 10 minutes.
(WHISPERING) And they're Velcro.
(SHEILA AND ADONIS CONVERSING INDISTINCTLY)
Yeah. Now, use this.
Pretend to clean so you don't look like a creep.
Yeah. Thank you.
- Yeah. - Good eye.
- Custody. - What do you mean?
- What do you mean, what do I mean? - What do you mean, cat custody?
Do you even want Gregory,
or are you trying to make this difficult?
My condo has floor-to-ceiling windows
that create a giant sunbeam. He loves it.
He loves me.
- Well? - Well?
I guess the lawyers will be involved.
- I guess they will be. - Mmm.
- You want Rob? - Mm-hmm.
No problem.
- Okay, great. - Great.
♪
(CHILDREN GIGGLING)
Ugh. Not this again.
Bryce, come and get your makeup done.
- Pass. - Try it.
You might like it.
(EVERYONE AT THE TABLE LAUGHING)
This isn't Peter Pan, Wendy.
You can't make people just clap their hands and believe.
This is weird.
Instead of laughing at me in this filth library,
I figured you'd respect my opinion,
because I've had your back for 10 years.
I love it, but every section of this library seems to be drama.
- (LAUGHING) - (SIGHING)
Hmm.
Can I help you find a book?
I'm fine.
You sure?
It's my favourite section.
I'm pretty familiar with all these authors.
- Do you know me? - Uh, no. I'm sorry.
I'm Bryce, assistant branch manager.
I'm Antwan. I'm looking for "Apoca-Tips:
Your Source for Surviving the End of the World."
Uh-huh.
Great choice, Antwan.
It is nice to meet another prepper.
Ah. I'm just getting into prepping.
I figured if the world's going to end,
might as well have snacks.
(LAUGHING) That's so true.
So true. First step of prepping?
Huh? Huh? Huh?
- Hmm? What? - Be prepared.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
That's sort of a trick question, but you know...
No. I got you. I got you. I've got two weeks' supply
of food and water.
- Good. You got your bug-out bag yet? - Oh, no. Not yet.
I was going to use the list in this book.
Ooh. Actually, you know what?
2012, that list was torn out of here
by a previous prepper.
Hmm.
Or so they want us to believe.
- Okay. - Okay?
You got to be careful sometimes.
All right. Here you go. This one will help you out.
"Surviving Your Family in a Bunker."
(LAUGHING) Oh, God.
I could not survive in a bunker with my parents.
We'd be at each other like you and your co-worker earlier.
Yeah. Um, I'm sorry you had to see that.
You know, honestly,
Wendy wouldn't be bad in a bunker.
She's not normally like that.
That's good to hear.
And I don't know all your business,
but I do know that keeping friends and chosen family close
is the only way I stay sane in this crazy world.
Tell me about it.
It's hard to find someone who sees you for who you are,
flaws and all, and still accepts you.
Keep those people close.
- Thanks for this. - Yeah.
Whoa. Where you going with those?
I bought them for Sheila.
Uh, you're going to make things way more awkward,
if that's even possible.
No. These will undo the awkward.
- How? - This bouquet says,
"Look. I see that you're glum.
I hope you have a better day, buddy."
Oh. "Buddy"? I don't know.
When I said "shoot your shot," I didn't mean in your foot.
- Too late. I'm going. - Oh.
I got to go.
For me?
Yeah, buddy.
Buddy?
I'm sorry. If you could just excuse me...
JAQ: Oh. Ugh.
Congrats. Way more awkward, buddy.
BRYCE: I was hoping we could talk
without the whole library chiming in.
Yeah, sure. Take a seat.
(CLEARING THROAT)
We've been through too much
to let something so trivial get between us.
That's the thing.
What you see as trivial is actually a way of life
and a livelihood for drag queens.
I can't tolerate the way you treated our guest.
I'm not alone here.
I mean, I may be alone here,
but there are others who think like me, Wendy.
Oh? Who?
Your patt-riot friends?
Well, they're not my friends, but like them,
I don't think we should flaunt drag queens
in front of children.
Flaunt? Bryce, what is the difference between
Paige wearing a sparkly dress
and Sally wearing her polka-dot overalls?
You just have to be careful who you expose kids to.
Like an ex-con?
It says here you have experience managing a library,
but it doesn't say which branch. Midtown?
No. Not Midtown.
- Somewhere in Mississauga? - No.
Which branch did you work at?
It wasn't a branch per se.
Well, I would love to know where you...
It was at the penitentiary.
I love books and libraries.
I was damn good at my job in the pen.
I just need a safe space to prove myself,
and no one's willing to give that to me.
You were looking for a safe space,
and I offered that to you.
And now, you're trying to take that same freedom
from someone else who needs it.
So, in conclusion, I'm a jackass?
Language. But not, you're not a donkey.
Not all the time.
(LAUGHING)
I always saw something more in you.
And look at how you flourished when you had a place to belong.
You're the assistant head of this branch.
You cannot exclude members of the community
based on your own biases.
I get it.
I mean, I get it, but...
I get it.
And Paige is a wonderful, intelligent, talented person
with interesting passions.
Besides, it looked like you were already getting along.
What do you mean? When she filth-read me?
No. You were talking to her in the stacks.
Well, not to Paige, but to Antwan.
That's Paige when she's not in drag.
No, 'cause he was manly and strapping.
- Mm-hmm. - But, like, how?
It's okay, Bryce. You'll get there.
Yeah.
Oh. What?
I know, right? Aren't they beautiful?
- (CRYING) - (GASPING)
Did you see that?
She hates the flowers, so she hates me.
I moved too fast. She's going to block me.
Should I block myself? Should I start a new account?
Howard, what were you thinking?
Um, whoever told you to shoot your shot, though,
that was bad advice.
No, no, no. That was you. That was you. Jaq, that was you.
Whatever.
- Ah, it burns. - Oh, suck it up, tough guy.
(CHUCKLES) Just joking. It's a good burn.
- What is this stuff? - Moisturizer.
What does it do?
It moisturizes.
That explains this crusty-ass skin.
Now, this has Vitamin D and C.
Good for when you're not going to see the sun for weeks.
Oh. Well, they should sell this at prep-cons.
Ah. It smells nice, actually.
Oh, that's the citrus, baby.
Ah.
I'm going to miss fruit most of all when I'm bunkered up.
There's always canned fruit.
I've got peaches and mandarin oranges.
You hang on to that stuff.
That's going to be currency when the nuclear war begins.
Oh, my money's on climate change.
That's going to force us underground before that.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
We're all going to die.
All right. Now, stand still. This is very dry skin.
- Hey, Big Library. - Hmm?
- Did you see Sheila's post? - No. Why?
Check it out.
"Got these from a co-worker. Too bad I'm severely allergic
and had to go home, but I really needed it today.
Hashtag, allergies. Hashtag, achoo."
Yeah. Allergies.
Don't get too ahead of yourself there, Team Jacob.
- She called you a co-worker. - You know what? I'm going to need you
- to not say anything for 10 minutes. - JAQ: Oh!
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
MAN: You happy now?