(Triumphant music)
So I'm choreographing a professional,
gold medal level figure skating routine
to Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing."
Wait, so you're a choreographer?
Carolyn: I'm not a choreographer.
- Clarence: Can you skate? - I've been on skates.
Oh!
What she wants to do is a little crazy.
Has everybody forgotten that Carolyn is not a choreographer?
I don't even know if I can do it and I'm an Olympic medalist.
She's got a plan.
♪
Everybody happy?
Fabulously.
♪
(indistinct chatter in background)
(Nat): What are you gonna do differently?
You say the boys are gonna play like you but the chirping,
and the lumber, and the running around
have always been your game.
So, if I keep this team going,
how're you gonna raise your game?
What are you gonna do differently?
(heavy metal music plays)
(♪)
(heavy metal music ends)
(Shoresy): This team will never lose again.
(rock music plays)
Welcome to another edition of "Questionable Call"
brought to you by BROdude Energy.
I'm your host, Anik Archambault,
along with our panelists, Tessa Bonhomme,
Jay Onrait, and the man they call RA.
Mesdames and messieurs, why save the best for last?
We're leading with these peckerheads now?
I take it you saw the most recent installment
of Bulldogs Mic'd Up?
Oui, monsieur. And here are my personal
highlights from last week's bout with the hicks from Timmins.
Hey, how'd that corn come in, Apeldoorn?
She knee-high by the 4th of July?
Hey, you ever see any crop circles out there or?
Hey, when you're driving by a field of cows,
how hard is it to not just pull over
and rope one of 'em right there? (Apeldoorn): Fuck you, Shoresy!
There's entertainment value, I'll give you that.
Tight competition. But the best stuff comes
when they play Keller in North Bay.
(Shoresy): Holy fuck, Keller, did that C get even bigger?
Should sell ads on that thing.
You know what might look nice
is some overhead lights right here.
Put a missing kid on there, ya fuckin' loser!
I love those Keller exchanges too,
but you cannot beat the Soo.
Hey, those visors come any darker?
I can still kinda see how fuckin' ugly ya are.
Is there an eclipse tonight? I can see your old lady
in the stands up there. You should put one of those on her.
- Are they still undefeated? - Shoresy vowed the team
would never lose again. And well...
They're all losers in the NOSHO.
After dropping the final game of the season
to the Soo Cyclones last year,
the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs
swept the playoffs to win the league.
Damn shame the National Senior Tournament
was cancelled. They were on a heater!
- They still are. - You bet, Tessa!
The Bulldogs are on a 20-game win streak this year,
looking to win the final four contest for a perfect season.
Never done before in the NOSHO.
They've got the whole team buzzin'
but big individual efforts, too.
Michaels is the best goalie in the NOSHO,
and JJ Frankie JJ leads the league in goals!
- Frankie's on top of the world. - Yeah, but they've got the new
American expansion team twice and they're a handful.
You know, only in the NOSHO could there exist two teams
from the Soo. Soo, Ontario,
and then, I didn't even know there was...
- Soo, Michigan, baby. - Yes, the NOSHO
- is now a five-team league. - Yeah, but here's the problem,
they've spent the entire season humiliating the rest
of the league on the internet.
They're putting a giant target on their back.
(crowd cheering)
(Anik): Four games left on the campaign,
Timmins, North Bay, Soo Michigan at home,
then Soo Michigan again stateside.
(Jay): You know they're all dying to spoil this
for the Bulldogs.
They've got bigger problems.
Not to sound like the Bobfather here
but you think Shoresy was bad last year
trying to get them outta the bottom.
- Yes. - I'm hearin' he's way worse
this year tryin' to keep 'em at the top.
Whatever he's doin', it's workin'.
No one can pass the Bulldogs for first place this year.
They've got it locked up. But with four games remaining
and four wins away from a record-breaking season,
it's up to the Bulldogs.
They can be the best team in the league this year,
or they can be the best team in the league, ever.
Sure, Anik. What could go wrong?
(Shoresy): We're hammerin' too much ass.
- That's why we're here. - Well, not me.
- I know. - Too many distractions,
Shoresy. Priority is a perfect season.
Seriously, Nat, I want that fuckin' record but like...
I've got my priorities straight.
- Sanger, don't be a pussy. - But what, slut?
But like, the boys are right up against it.
- Why? - Well, one, we're on
- a 20-game heater. - And two?
There's an impossible amount
of good-looking girls in Sudbury.
(sultry music plays)
(speaking French)
Too bad all the dudes are ugly, though.
I was just gonna say, Ziig, your hair looks legit
- good like that. - Yeah?
But I still think way more dudes'd be into me.
- Guilty. - Sanger... don't be a pussy.
She's my girlfriend, my guy.
Yeah, but ya don't gotta be like... kee-he-he-he!
I asked you to raise your game last year.
- Me? - Oh, my God.
You started working hard away from the rink,
throwing some weights around, and I will give it to you, man,
- you got jacked. - It's the least I can do, Nat.
Seriously, thank you so much for...
keepin' the team goin'.
Tuck in your fuckin' tampon string.
You answered the call. But then, you went above
and beyond the call and you got the rest of the team
- jacked with you. - What's good for the goose.
Which brings us to the problem
- of my own manufacturing. - Hammerin' too much ass?
- Yeah... - Huh?
They're top of the league, defending champs,
20-game heater, and they're the most jacked team
in the NOSHO. Can you imagine?
Trust me, you can't.
(rap music plays)
Got more ass than Kellogg's got Corn Flakes.
I can't help but feel entirely responsible.
- You are. - You think?
Well... if you don't want the boys in snapper,
definitely don't make us do a calendar of sexy photos.
- You're right. - You're an idiot.
I can't believe you got 'em to do that shit.
That calendar's gonna bite us in the ass one day, Nat.
You look like such a fucking goof in that thing, Shoresy.
Ziig, you got a voice that goes up one side of me
- and right down the other. - I've got a voice?
Yeah, and a face that makes me go, ah!
The money from the calendars will help fund our bid
to host the National Senior Tournament.
It won't get cancelled again now.
- Brilliant move, ladies. - Kee-he-he-he!
(Nat): What's good for the goose.
Four games left for a perfect season.
- Keep the boys focused, slut. - I want that record.
Make sure they get the message.
That you want the record?
The other one.
(Shoresy): You're hammerin' too much ass.
Well, I was more talkin' to Goody.
- Mkay. - Dolo, you're hammerin'
- way too much ass. - Settle down.
What am I, chopped liver?
Well, they wheeled more than you.
You're some crooked aren't ya, b'y?
You ever have foie gras?
Yeah, like Dolo wheeled the most.
- Goody's second. - No, foie gras.
And then, you well in third.
B'ys, he's right rotted, he is.
I'm not saying you're ugly,
Hitch. That's not what I'm sayin'.
- Charitable of ya, me son. - I'm just sayin'
- you're the ugliest here. - Lard Jeezus!
- You got a dip? - Bethany?
- (Bethany): Yeah? - Join us out
where we're to, please?
(footsteps approaching)
Bethany Dawn.
Isn't it cute how he calls me by my full name?
If we're becomin' one, I do ya the courtesy.
Well, I only know your nickname.
Well, his full name's Ted Hitchcock.
- It's kinda funny 'cause when... - Who's the ugliest
outta the b'ys here where we're to?
Shoresy.
Now, go on in out of it, me son.
- Sorry. - Yeah, don't worry about it.
- What's that, old man? - Should be two outta three.
Let's get on the go!
Melodie?
- Ooh. - We got a nail-biter.
(Britt): Shoresy is the ugliest guy here.
All right, now we're out the other end of 'er.
- (loud belch) - Oh... Frankie is here.
(Big Sexy): Tit fucker. (Britt): Frankie's here?
Yeah, why do you think it smells like
spaghetti carbonara? (Big Sexy): Tit fucker.
Let's get some fuckin' tandoori barbecue kebabs.
I dunno about that Quebecer b'y.
Last year left us in a real pickle
chasin' Laurence Leboeuf back to Quebec.
- Laurence Leboeuf? - Laurence Leboeuf?
- Well, would you chase 'er? - Yes, b'y. You?
Was a bit young but...
You're still the ugliest, Shoresy.
I don't care.
(Nat): I think he looks pretty good.
(Miig): Girl, no you don't.
(Nat): Yeah, too much Bailey's in my coffee this morning.
(Ziig): Just can't believe you got them to do this shit.
(Nat): Ask and you shall receive.
(Ziig): They knew how much ass would follow.
(Miig): Bingo. (Ziig): Got us to 50% full.
(Nat): Bums in seats, baby.
(Miig): Impressive numbers for senior hockey.
(Nat): But 50 ain't 75.
Has Michaels been acting weird?
(Ziig): Goalies are always weird.
(Nat): The Wolves get so many kids out to the games.
I love seeing that. We need to get more kids to the rink.
(Miig): Kids in sports stay off the streets.
(Ziig): Drugs kill dreams.
(Nat): Yeah.
Let's focus on the youth, ladies.
(Ziig): Could fucking puke. Ugly.
(Shoresy): The good thing about the calendars
is that none of us looked too ugly.
Sure, we're all in top shape, b'ys.
Why not put it up on a calendar?
Yeah, like the calendars'll always be there
to remind us of a time we weren't too ugly.
One day we'll wish we're still lookin' so good
- as what we did. - Settle down.
But it's kinda funny. It's like, I come in,
I take my tarp off,
and then, we had to take all your pictures again
because you didn't have your tarps off.
Didn't think of it, old man.
Well, if I'm a broad lookin' at a sexy calendar of dudes,
I'm probably hopin' they have their tarps off.
Too hand to the game time for a Martoonie, eh, me son?
Those calendars are gonna bite us in the ass one day,
boys. All right, who wants more?
One, two, three, four, fuckin' 500 probably.
(Big Sexy): Tit fucker!
(arena organ plays)
(Hitch): Didn't think of the grease downs either, old man.
Hey, we got eight Apeldoorn's on deck here, gents.
Let's get focused here now.
First time I've been in a room wit a dozen
or more greased up dudes, b'ys, and might not be the last.
Well, if I'm a broad lookin' at a calendar of sexy dudes
with their tarps off, I'm probably hopin'
- they're greased down too. - Les Jims.
Oh, is that the Jims?
- (Jim 1): Yeah. - Hey, Jim.
- (Jim 2): Hello. - Jim.
(Jim 3): Sorry we're late, Shoresy.
We were playing Reach For The Top.
All the b'ys with the spray tans too, look.
Well, Dolo didn't get one.
For obvious reasons. Eh, Dolo?
It's pretty obvious why you didn't get one, eh?
And ain't it sum'in.
The Jims didn't lift a single weight,
kept der tarps on the entire time,
and still might be d'most popular of all the b'ys.
Now see, that idea was all me,
but how 'bout a little focusin' here, boys?
- Let's get focused in here now. - Wait, are we talkin' about
puttin' them in their jail guard uniforms?
Oh, see Hitch,
Fish would be the ugliest guy in this room.
Be a lot less ugly if you were still scorin' a goal a game.
You know, I think the uniforms gave...
Shut the fuck up, Michaels.
- (loud fart) - Well, like, if I'm a broad
looking at a sexy calendar of greased-down dudes
with their tarps off, I for sure wouldn't mind a few rugged men
- in uniform sauced in there. - Settle down.
Fuckin' bak'er right into the cake, eh Jim?
- Yeah. - Jim?
- Yes. - Jim?
Traditionally, men in uniform do pretty well
with broads, but you should still ask them
how they're doing the odd time, too.
(Shoresy): Big warm-up here, boys!
Let's get the blood flowin' here now!
(Dolo): Hey, Jim. (Jim 1): Yeah.
Jim. (Jim 2): Hello.
- Jim. - What's up, Dolo?
What's goin' on, buddy?
(Michaels): Trivia. It's like a trivia...
(Shoresy): Shut the fuck up, Michaels.
We run a trivia league at the jail, bro.
(Shoresy): Mental game starts in warm-up here, boys.
Let's go now. (Hitch): But ya calls it
- Reach For De Top? - Yeah.
Reach For The Top's an old Canadian TV game show.
But now it's just mostly run out of high schools.
(Fish): And you run it outta the jail, like with the inmates?
(Shoresy): No, with the mouses, Fish.
Yeah, in teams of four. The inmates compete
against each other but we also have a team of four.
- (Michaels): Who's your fourth? - Timmins Timber Kings, boys!
Let's get that fuckin' record!
Are you rolling?
Cory, are you rolling?
Shoresy will get going before warm-up
so you should always be rolling when they hit the ice.
Actually, start rolling when they're in the tunnel even.
- I'm rolling. - You know, if you clip
your walkie mic to your shoulder you can get to it a lot quicker.
You see how I got mine?
(Cory): I'm not doing that.
- Why not? - 'Cause I've never seen a guy
with a walkie clipped to his shoulder
gettin' his dink sucked. (walkie beeps)
Found your way outta the corn maze, eh Apeldoorn,
- ya fuckin' loser? - Comin' for that streak, bud!
Hey, Bill Gates buying up farmland around you guys too or?
Wearing number 8 for the Timmins Timber Kings,
Mervin Emmanual Moses. What a moment for this young man
as it is no doubt the greatest moment of his entire life.
Hey, which one are you? Fuckin' Elmer Isaac Ezekiel?
- (Apeldoorn): You're dead. - You're dead.
- No, I'm-I'm gonna kill ya. - I'm gonna kill you.
I'm serious, I'll fuckin' kill ya, Shoresy.
All right, first shift, we kill each other.
- 20-game heater, ladies. - Let's go, 21.
The eldest Apeldoorn's been fighting everyone
- on the home stretch. - We'll play any way you want.
The luxury of having a full squad of guys who will go.
The only real fight's between our team to see who gets him.
- Well, not all of them will go. - True.
Yeah, but the one who won't will spear you in the face
before you get your mitts off.
(Sanguinet): Shoresy, you ready?
Give your balls a tug, tit fucker.
You're goin'! (Team): Yaa-hoo!
(Sanguinet): Frankie, you ready? (Frankie belches)
You're goin'! (Team): Yaa-hoo!
- Goody, you ready? - Let's fuckin' go, Sanger.
Good 'cause you're goin'! (Team): Yaa-hoo!
- Hitch, you ready? - All hands, b'ys!
Good 'cause you're goin'! (Team): Yaa-hoo!
Dolo, run 'em up and fill 'em in?
Good 'cause you're fuckin' goin!
- (Team): Yaa-hoo! - The best goalie in the NOSHO,
- Michaels, are you ready? - You're damn right, Sanger!
Good, 'cause you're fuckin' goin'!
- (Team): Yaa-hoo! - Pack mentality, boys!
(electronic music plays)
(music intensifies)
(crowd cheers and boos)
(crowd cheers)
(Shoresy): Who's gonna set the tone, boys?
Who's gonna fuckin' set it?!
(crowd cheering)
(players shouting indistinctly)
(players): Yeah!
(crowd cheers loudly)
(horn buzzes)
Another goose egg for Michaels.
Best goalie in the league.
He has been acting weird though.
Goalies are always weird.
- What? - Listen.
(indistinct shouting)
(Shoresy): Fuck's sake!
We thought he was bad trying to get us outta the bottom.
He is way worse trying to keep us at the top.
(indistinct shouting)
(Drumstick clunks) You wanna chit-chat
with Apeldoorn between plays?
Go fuck him up the ass and get it over with!
We only get fuckin' two on the Timmins Timber Kings?
Half these guys worked a fuckin' 12-hour shift.
We only get fuckin' two?
We've got the fuckin' Yanks next week.
We have the fuckin' Yanks next week!
Bet they're over there with a bag of trans fats
havin' a good fuckin' laugh at us. Hey!
You only get a stick if you played
more than five minutes. (Drumsticks clattering)
The useless don't get a stick
'cause the rest of ya can only get two fuckin' tucks.
Fish! You used a get a goal a fuckin' game.
- How many'd ya get tonight? Huh? - Zero.
- And the game before that? - Zero.
- And the game before that? - Zero!
- You don't get one either! - But they didn't get any.
Yeah, if it weren't for fuckin' Michaels,
the streak'd be over. (Michaels): Thank you, Shoresy.
- Shut the fuck up, Michaels! - Two-nothing lead's
- the worst lead in hockey. - And quit playin' the puck
so much. Think you're fuckin' Marty Turco?
(Drumstick clatters)
We were flat as my grade 4 girlfriend
before Jim stepped in.
Thanks, Shoresy. I think any one of these guys
- would have done the same... - Thanks, Jim!
What happened to "They don't ask how, they ask how many?"
- I'm asking how many! - He's asking how many!
- I'm asking how many! - He's fucking asking how many!
- Two isn't fuckin' enough! - Yeah!
(rap music plays)
(Nat): Is he all right? (Miig): He's acting weird.
(Ziig): Goalies are always weird.
Two goals on Timmins?
I swear, if Frankie wasn't tucking two a game...
- Frankie's on top of the world. - Look at them.
No wonder they have no legs in the third.
(Miig): They already played a period between the sheets.
(Ziig): Perks of being number one.
Too many distractions.
Shoresy's on it.
You know he wants that fucking record, Nat.
- (Miig laughs) - Look at you!
Go home, you're drunk.
Okay, Shoresy is a dumb, ugly slut.
- Okay, she's back. - Dumbest, ugliest slut
- we've got maybe. - I knew she was still in there.
But that dude commits.
(indistinct chatter)
(Miig): Loves to win.
(Nat): Hates to lose.
(Ziig): Doesn't matter how long it takes to get it.
If he wants it, he'll work.
Guess the rest of them just have to decide.
Yeah. Do they wanna be the best team in the league
this year, or do they wanna be
the best team in the league ever?
- Better decide quick. - Mm-hmm.
'Cause they're comin'.
(music intensifies)