Oh, my God, you're up.
- Good morn'ting. - Good morn'ting.
- How long you been awake? - Couple hours.
Actually, I already have your coffee.
- Oh. - And I got you some road snacks.
Joel, you know I'm not much of a morning eater.
Bad little puddy cat, what's in here?
Oh, my God. A muffin, a scone...
And is that a bagel bite?
Come here, you little honey.
Oh, my God.
That is delicious.
I'm almost beginning to believe that you really care about me, Joel.
Sam!
I just wanna make today a little easier for you.
It's gonna be fine. I'll be great.
But are you gonna be okay without me?
Yeah, I'm gonna run some errands.
I have to flip my house, blah, blah, blah.
And I'm thinking maybe I'll get some steps.
Excuse me?
Joel, no! Come on!
I'm gonna be stuck in a car all day.
I'm in a deficit. Don't get that many.
Okay, fine. I-I'll heave my body into a shopping cart
and have someone push me around all day.
My feet won't touch the ground.
- Great. - Great.
Alright. You need me to finish?
Yeah.
I know I need to finish it on my own one day,
- but I just don't get it. - Let's go to the back.
People think just because I got tits I ain't got no brains.
Wait, that's the answers!
Oh, that's why it's so easy.
- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -
When are we getting our stuff back?
What do you mean?
- 'Cause those assholes will steal it. - No, they won't, Mom.
I can drive back tomorrow.
Okay, thank you.
Um...
D-did you not tell her she's going to Wichita?
Oh. Uh...
No, that's up to the family to talk about.
Fuck.
- I mean, we're fucked. - Okay, no. Um...
Well, I'm just gonna tell her.
- You're just gonna tell her? - Yep.
Hey, Mom, you're not going home. You're going to Wichita.
You have been a nightmare, and we have to fix your meds.
- Okay? So. - Uh...
Ooh!
That was impressive.
Yeah, well, I have shit to do, so... Here.
- What, am I driving? - Yes, you're driving.
- But you hate my driving! - Just drive!
Well, don't pick on me.
What am I doing?
What am I doing? No.
Well, I haven't been to Wichita
since we used to go there for swim meets.
What's that place we used to stop at?
Get that okra and shit.
- What, Olpe Home Cooking? - Yes.
Oh, my God, I love that place.
So... good.
Pull over. I need cigarettes.
We're not stopping for cigarettes, Mom.
You're not my mother.
Your husband left you.
And you never, ever...
ever even had a husband.
Well, we're still not stopping for cigarettes, Mom.
And she lives right over there.
And so, I was close to the church.
I was able to just walk over,
but it was really something.
I've never seen an allergic reaction like that.
I'm sorry Sheila wasn't here today.
Well, good to see you. Take care.
Joel!
Oh, my God... Hey!
I saw you sitting there in your LeSabre.
Well, 'cause, um...
You know...
Uh, 'cause I got a phone call, and then, um...
And then, I wanted to text back,
but I don't like to text and drive.
So, I just pulled in here, and I texted them back.
And now, you know,
just going around, doing stuff today.
I don't text and drive either.
- Oh, that's so good. - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Do you wanna... - I... Oh sorry, you go ahead.
You want a coffee?
Oh, I have a coffee.
Cookie?
It's fellowship hour.
Um...
That's okay.
Want some... gum?
Sure.
Oh wow.
God, Wrigley's. I used to get these
in my Christmas stocking growing up.
- It's a real throwback. Thank you. - Yeah?
You're welcome. Can we, uh...
You can never really go wrong with the classics.
How about a walk?
It's such a nice day.
Um, yeah. Sure.
Yeah?
Yeah.
You're turning that off?
You won't get credit for your steps.
Oh, it just makes my arm feel tingly.
- Hm? - Yeah.
God, this is a boring state.
- I don't think so. - There's nothin' to look at.
Mom, you love Kansas.
Who said?
I love New York.
- You've never been to New York. - You don't know.
- You hate cities. - You don't know.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna pull into a semi
in about five minutes.
- You're driving too fast. - Oh, my God.
- Mom... Would you... - Slow down!
- You are, like, 20 miles over the limit. - Just please!
It's fine.
Well, I mean, do you wanna get a ticket? Do you want that?
You have to get a little thing on your license.
I don't care.
I just wanna get this over with.
You can just drop me and go off and have your fun.
Yeah...
I'm having a great time. Trish, you having fun?
Oh, my God, so fun.
I wanna go home,
but you won't let me.
Won't let you? What are you talking about?
You know, Mom, this is not our fault.
This is not Dad's fault.
This is your fault!
You kept drinking when they told you not to,
and then you had a stroke,
just like the doctor said you would.
- Sam... - I'm... Well, it's true! And now, and now...
and now, you treat everybody around you like shit,
especially the one person that will tolerate you.
I mean, and then... and then, you block him from visiting you?
Do you know that you broke his fucking heart?
Just please be quiet and let me drive.
I can't wait to get you there.
- And turn off your fucking phone! Seriously! - Shit. Okay.
- We used to go... - Oh, my God.
I always tell my kids, do what makes you happy
and you can't lose.
And I love teaching, of course. And woodwork.
But... I don't know.
I really love singing.
I felt a little silly at first.
And then I thought, why not?
Who says I-I can't take voice lessons at my age?
So, I called Darlene up,
and I've been seeing her ever since.
Hm. How long has that been?
Oh... five years now? Yeah.
You're really good.
No. No, I'm not.
No... No.
Well, you're very passionate!
True! I am very committed,
but I know I'm not a good singer.
Who cares? I love it.
- Yeah. - And...
the kids seem to get a kick
out of old grandpa really goin' for it.
And it's good for them to see that.
Plus...
- I think I'm Darlene's favorite. - Oh!
I will deny it if you ever tell anyone I said that.
Alright. I guess it'll just be our little secret.
Alright.
Um, so, do we... do we go in there with her or how...
Oh, it's up to you.
We have all the paperwork and everything.
Sometimes, it's easier to say goodbye out here,
but, you know...
- Um... - Alright.
Love you, Mom.
Okay, Mom. It's gonna be okay.
We love you.
Just take good care of her.
We will. Ready, Mary Jo?
Bye, Mom.
I know Dad would've wanted to be here,
but... this would've been torture for him.
You think the good part of Mom is ever gonna come back?
No.
Hi, this is Joel. Leave a message.
Hey, I don't know where you are, but tonight is no longer
a designated non-drinking night. Call me.
Hey.
What are you... W-What's going on? What is that?
I don't know, I'm just focusing on my heart health.
Oh. Alright.
Hey, are you on Bumble or something? What is that?
No! I'm not on Bumble. It's nothing. Don't worry about it.
No, it's definitely something, and if you didn't want me
to know about it, you should've turned your fuckin' ringer off.
But now I know, now I'm invested.
Just tell me what's goin' on.
What's the big deal?
Oh, my God... Oh, my God, did you make that?
I did, yeah.
Are you selling "lying cunt" pillows?
- Yes, I didn't mean to... - Tricia!
I know! It just happened.
- Wow. - After I found out about Rick and Charity,
I made one, and then got really mad again,
and posted it on my Finsta.
And then, someone famous reposted it,
and now... I mean, I can't keep up! It's insane.
Oh, my God.
Did you give one of those to Charity?
No!
I just put it in the store where she could see it.
Holy shit, Tricia.
Wow. And you have a Finsta.
- Well, it's a good outlet for my rage, you know? - Yeah.
I don't know, I mean... I think you could make
a ton of money on that. You're sittin' on a gold mine.
Oh! I don't know what to do.
Well, what do you mean? You're doing it!
- No, I can't... - You are doing it, Tricia!
- I cannot do this. This is not... - Of course, you can.
This isn't a business! This is like making porn!
- It's not porn. - I mean, this is just too embarrassing.
- This is not who I am. - Well, I mean, but it is.
I mean, you made it, and it's fucking glorious!
Lying cunt pillows!
Shit! Why didn't I think of that?
No, I wanna be a businesswoman though!
I wanna be, like,
taken seriously as a businesswoman, you know?
I wanna do events.
I wanna do weddings and showers and luncheons.
I mean, we can't talk about this at church.
Okay, so don't.
B-But, I want to.
- Okay, then do! - I know, but I can't.
Why not?
I just...
I worked so hard for so long,
and now, there's nothing to show for it.
Nothing came of it. It's over.
And now, people see me, and...
they just look at me and feel sorry for me.
- No, they don't. - Yes, they do.
No, they don't, Tricia. And if...
if they do, who cares? They're jerks.
Fuck 'em.
Right? Fuck 'em.
I just think, um...
you know...
all these people doing all that shit on Instagram.
Why not you, right?
You could quit your day job.
Um...
What?
I got fired.
You got fired from the grocery store?
Yes, which was your fault, by the way.
- Oh, okay. How? - Because you made me do day drinking!
- I can't do that. - Oh, my God.
You got fired for being drunk at work, Tricia?
- It's not funny. - Oh, you bad girl.
- It's not funny! It's not a joke! - It's a little funny.
- It's really bad! - Okay, I'm sorry,
but seriously, a grocery store?
I mean, bigger and better things, right?
And I could totally help you with this.
Think of it. You could do, like, "princess cunt."
- You could do "pretty cunt." - God...
- What's happening? - You could do "super cunt,"
- "cunt crew," "live laugh cunt." - God...
"New cunt, who dis?" Oh, my God!
- "Big and juicy cunt," Tricia! - Sam! Shh!
- Loud! - You gotta make me a "big and juicy cunt" pillow.
♪ Big and juicy cunt ♪
♪ Are you ready for a big and juicy cunt... ♪
- Stop! - ♪ ... America? ♪
♪ Ooh, she big and juicy, too ♪
♪ You like what you see? That's a big and juicy cunt ♪
Good! Good!
Sorry! We're just...
sisters, you know?
- She wanted me to talk about... - No! No.
I can't. My big and juicy won't fit in.
- Too juicy? Too big? - Too juicy.
I'm gonna slip right off the seat. Okay.
Where are those goddamn okras?
Do you ever go to that arts and crafts fair
that they have here in the spring?
Love it. Like, my favorite thing.
- Hm. - I got this bracelet there.
Oh, I saw those.
Huh.
Um...
I saw the name of your church on your tote bag.
And when Sam stopped taking lessons,
I wasn't sure when I'd see you again, so...
it's not a coincidence that I ran into you.
So, you do text and drive?
I actually never do.
Okay, good.
Wow.
Feels kind of nice to be...
stalked I guess has a negative connotation.
Does it?
- Wow. - I just wanted to see you again.
I was gonna just go to the service.
See you there.
But I've been on a little break from church lately.
I just don't even know what I believe anymore.
I don't know.
Been having this personal crisis lately, too, because...
my friend asked me to officiate his wedding.
You know, just be there for my friend.
And it's not even a religious ceremony.
You know, he doesn't want that, but I...
I get in my head...
This isn't what you asked, is it?
I don't think I asked a question.
But thanks for telling me.
Really.
I believe the whole point is
church is where you go to
when you're confused.
Hm.
And you also don't have to do anything.
Just show up. Just...
go to church.
Or don't.
- You know? - Yeah.
But if you want to, you should come with me sometime.
I'd love to come with you sometime.
You ever bless an animal?
No. Have you?
Yeah. I did a goat once.
You blessed a goat?
- Mm-hmm. - That's pretty cool.
But, you know,
nobody likes a braggart.
Hm...
Let's just do this quickly,
so we can feed the chickens,
- and we'll get out. - Yes, Tricia.
Oh, we got a letter from Dad.
Aw, read it.
Oh, yes.
"I didn't know which of you to send this to, I sent it here.
I figured you would both get it at the farm.
I'm grateful you pushed me to do this,
and I really am okay. Don't worry about me.
I'm here with my brother, and it's like we're kids again.
I know your mom wouldn't see me,
but I hope to tell her that I love her,
and she's always on my mind.
Love, Dad.
PS, say hi to my buddy Fred.
If you have any farm questions, he's the guy."
And then, he drew a little cow.
- Sure. - Just a long torso
like you've never seen before.
And four udders. Two long, two short.
- It's part dachshund. - Guess those are both of our legs.
My long ones and your little itty bitties.
Good girls.
Elaine... Oop!
Chick, chick, chick.
- Hi! Susan, hi! - Hey, Fred.
Sorry to come by unannounced,
but Fred wanted to show me the farm.
No, it's great. It's great.
We're just feeding some chickens.
You ever fed a chicken before, Susan?
- No. - Come on, let's get dirty.
Okay. Oh, oh, okay.
- Just some worms. - They're dead.
- Sure. - Yeah.
- Hi. - Clea. Come here.
Chicken, chicken, chicken.
- They do whatever the fuck they want. - Here they come! Here they come.
- Hey. - This place is so magical.
Must have been fun growing up here.
- Well... Yes and no. - Peaks and valleys.
- It's pretty though. - Yeah.
How'd you guys...
How'd you feel about getting married here?
Really?
Yeah, I think, um...
I think it'd mean a lot to my dad.
- Oh, babe. That's amazing. - I love that.
- Are you kidding around? - You don't have to let us know right now.
You can think about it if you want, you know.
I-I want to.
- This is beautiful. - This is perfect!
We can get you probably, like, friends and family rate,
five, 10K, you know?
- Alright. - Just for the night, then, of course,
we'll have to, uh... There's gonna be the reception,
so that'd be another five, 10K.
That's alright. I had a great year at the school.
And, you know, she's great with numbers.
See, they pay teachers too much.
- Yeah, we'll make it work. - No, it's on us.
We can fuck it up, do whatever we want.
But this is gorgeous. I mean, this is absolutely stunning.
It is, and you can see all the sunflowers over here.
And we just cleaned out the barn.
- Coincidentally... Yes! - We could party in the barn?
It's probably only gonna work for you
if you love extreme natural beauty.
- We love it. - I do! I'm marrying it!
- Oh, there you are. - Hey!
Hi, I called.
- Did you get my message? - Oh, I forgot my phone. Sorry.
- Did you do the song? - What song?
♪ Keys, phone ♪
♪ Cash, ID, keys, phone ♪
Cannot believe it. I not only forgot my phone,
- I forgot that song. - Joel.
- But, guess what? - What?
Is that the sound of children laughing?
It's better than children laughing.
Most everything is.
Oh, thank you. Teeny 'tini.
Give mommy a kiss.
- That is a triumph. - Well, thank you.
What a day.
- Tell me all about it. - After this hits the blood.
How about you?
Tell me all about your day. What'd I miss?
Um... Nothing?
You look, like, refreshed or something.
- Really? - Yeah.
Colonic?
No! I would never get a colonic.
I would.
Well, I'll probably try it if you want me to.
No, I-I guess I just...
I don't know. I'm shining with pride
'cause I scrubbed the grout in my kitchen.
Any guest that comes there is gonna love it.
- Wow, you made fast work of that. - Oh yeah, well...
- I think you might need a little top-off. - Oh yeah. Thank you.
This family shit.
I swear it was so much easier when I just didn't care.
There really is something to be said
for lockin' it down and goin' it alone.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, sorry. You've got me now.
Joel, I swear, just promise me, when we get to the end,
if I turn up like my mother,
you will put me out of my misery.
A pillow right over the face.
That's exactly the way I wanna go.
Ah, Joel, I'd be a shell without you.
Mm...
You want another twist?
Only if you think I'm worth the trouble.
- Thank you. - Plus, I didn't get a lot of steps today,
so I'm gonna go for it.
I mean, what is it? It's just vodka.
But it's so good.
Oh, honey, you know I infuse it with love, too.
Oh, thank you.
I like it when you put the twist in.
Like, if there's one twist, I know I've had one.
If there's two twists, I know I've had three.
And if I have three twists, I can't have any more.
- You think we can get a DUI for this? - Nah.
- Too bad! I wanna break the law! - Joel.
- You know what I want? - What?
I want a donut to go with my 'tini.
- Let's go to Varsity Donuts. - Yes!
Oh, my God. And that is why I love you!
- Did you just say what I think you just said? - No, no, no, no, no!
It's all the 'tinies you poured me!
- Oh, my God! - I've gone soft!
You said it! You can't take it back!
How many 'tinis was that tonight anyway?
Oh. Don't worry about it.
Woo!
- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -