1x13 - "Lex As A Weapon"
Dr. Devizo's terror bomb was stopped by the League of Freedom.
You can see the destruction behind me.
With Dr. Devizo still at large...
That's better.
Time to start the show.
The League of Freedom?
How did you uncover the lair of Dr. Devizo?
It was simple. We followed the smell of crazy.
- Rex? - Sure. You've earned it.
Yah!
I thought Devizo was supposed to be some sort of evil mastermind.
Then I hope getting his ass kicked was all part of his plan.
You're early.
- They learned my secret. - And?
I go now into the last great mystery, death.
I'm sure any second now.
You know what? You guys keep talking.
I'll keep you posted.
You were right.
Thwarting your escape was enough to get me one of these.
You're a proud member of the League.
And membership has its privileges.
We've got a big day ahead of us.
And remember, try to have fun.
You want some Cooch?
Don't get mad. Get Brad.
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
Cooch? Cooch?
- Snooze! - Damn it!
Come on, get up. Today's the big day.
Remember when I took down Dr. Devizo and everyone started
- liking me more than you? - Yeah. Sucks, dude.
Well, what you and the rest of the League didn't see
was that he also passed me the combination to a storage locker...
and it was full of presents.
Thing's so cool. Recognize this?
It's the EVO-RAY that evolved you
from a cat into a... whatever you are.
- But if I adjust the setting... - You could evolve me into a supercat?
- What? - Yeah, a supercat.
Hey, I'm a robber man!
Oh, this looks like a job for Supercat!
Taco Blast!
Damn, dude! How did you turn that dude into tacos?
Shit, dude. I don't know. How'd I do this?
Hit!
Cooch! Cooch!
You really have no attention span, do you?
Cooch?
Okay.
Ugh. Hey, Lex. Is Cooch okay?
- I... Why are you so happy? - Oh, because of this.
It's a new drug. Some might call it a super drug.
- Really? - Yeah, but you wouldn't like it.
You know, the high is way too strong.
Oh, well, maybe I'll try one little take...
Oh! Ah, there's the sweet... Ohh!
Oh, hello, Lex. You're looking quite evil and scary.
Is this a [bleep] time tunnel?
- Ohh. - Hey, babe!
- What's goin' on? Huh? - Not again!
Dance party? Cool! I'll grab my "Jock Jams".
O.M. God! I just betrayed your entire team!
- Do you have to ruin everything?! - What?
Wha... wha... Uh...
I see what's going on here.
I just told you what's going on here!
- Don't act like you figured it out! - But Lex, why?
I never loved you. I hated every moment I was with you.
- We're through! - Y... You're breaking up with me?
Oh, no!
Sounds like Lex broke up with Saturn.
Well, shaping up to be a nice, little Tuesday.
Warden coming.
I can't even get a phone call. I have cats!
- You guys need some new material. - Aww, [bleep], the fish!
I've got a saltwater tank, Rex.
Let me call my sister, please!
And to what do I owe this honor, Rex?
Lex wanted me to check on you.
She thought she might have ruptured your colon
when she beat your ass like a drum.
That Lex, such a considerate girl.
Hologram! Another God damn 'gram job!
What do you think of my new threads, Rex?
What the hell did you do to my robot?
I broke him down for spare parts and made a badass
exosuit out of them. I thought it was obvious.
I had just wrapped my mind around the fact
that he was alive. That was big for me!
Well, let me just turn this thing off first.
Jewbot's holographic projector really drains the batteries.
All of them?
I'm giving you all the count of three
before I introduce your balls to Mr. Foot here.
By my count, there are 12 sets of balls here.
You have no chance to kick them all.
That's for being so God damn smart.
He's aiming for the balls, guys! Take him apart!
Ha-ha!
Ow! Hey!
I like the way you get whipped!
This is how it ends, Rex.
You're over the hill, and I have a world to re-engineer.
Of course, I'll need to wash the planet
in a nuclear winter first, but you understand.
You'll have to get through The League first.
The League was defeated 15 minutes ago.
Feel free to check my work.
No.
Lex?
Lex? Lex?
I'm sorry. I couldn't resist.
This is your surprise, Rex.
Your reward for being such a great dad.
Lex needed a father, Rex. You understand.
- But Lex, you're my daughter. - You're half right, Rex.
I am your daughter...
- but I'm also your son. - Okay...
how?
Well, it's actually quite common for insects.
No, but that doesn't make sense, Lex.
It ... It's not like Rex has been blowing his DNA into a bug.
Oh, wait.
- Frau Mantis... - Who you used
- whenever you felt like it... - Yes!
until that fateful day...
In 10 heartbeats, your precious city will be a crater.
I can't let that happen, Mantis.
It's me or the pathetic humans you've sworn to protect.
I'm sorry!
You threw her away like a crusty sock,
an unwanted jack rag drying to the wall.
Hey, take it easy.
Don't you tell me how to talk! You haven't earned that!
No, that was a little too vivid,
- if I'm being honest. - Shut up! This is my story.
I was pretty much done.
Hey, guys. Coming in at the end here.
- W... Where's Lex? - I am Lex.
Uh...
Huh? Uh...
Now, with the encryption codes Lex stole from Ivan Whiff,
I will be using the SuperMansion's computer
to take control of America's nuclear arsenal.
My dream of re-engineering society in my image
will finally come true!
This Tuesday really went to shit.
Uh. What? Ohh...
So, what's the plan, Rex?
Well, we can start by burning my dick off.
Just when I think it can't cause me anymore trouble, ta-da!
If I did Lex, and Lex is a dude,
that means that I did... ergo, uh... Ooh.
We've got to break out of here and unplug our computer
before Devizo can launch those missiles.
The mansion's mainframe is protected by three feet of solid steel.
Even my Subtopian magnoblast can't penetrate that.
But we've got to do something. We're heroes.
Are we? I banged a bug and spawned a monster,
and now millions are gonna die because of it.
And Jewbot... all I have to remember him
is the finger he lost up my butt!
- What? - Nothing!
Aw, so glum, Rex.
I thought when you got to your age, you stopped menstruating!
And I can make jokes like that because, you know?
Yep, I boned a dude!
Come on, lover boy. I've got a score to settle with you.
Where are you taking him?
He used my body for pleasure. Time to return the favor.
Gentlemen, this mansion is ours!
The League of Freedom rots in their own prison!
We will bathe this world in a nuclear winter!
Sexual reproduction will be a thing of the past!
- Wait. - What was that last one?
In seconds, World War III will begin.
Okay, more like a couple of hours.
Groaner, how could you, after all we've been through?
All we've been through? Dude, you cut off my finger!
- You can eat a dick! - I'll destroy your body,
just like my sexual bait-and-switch destroyed your mind.
Actually, I've given this a lot of thought,
- and I'm cool with it. - What?
I got to bang a sexy redhead for a couple of months,
and you got railed by one of the 21st century's preeminent sex athletes.
I remember between two to four pumps
and some very lackluster apologies.
Sounds like we got a real he said, she/he said situation here.
- Why are you not freaking out? - It's a post-"Brokeback" world, man.
I did a dude. What's the big deal?
Sometimes I transformed myself in the middle of the night,
and I just dipped my junk in your mouth.
- I just dipped. - I was in a frat. Next?
Son of a bitch! Groaner, cook him like a pig!
I can't look at him anymore.
It would be my plea... Dude, do you have a boner?
I like the freaky stuff. What do you want me to say?
Give it up, Brad.
Those bars were designed to hold the strongest villains on Earth.
What happened to you?
My legacy is going to be the homicidal maniac
my libido unleashed on the world.
How could you even look at me?
How could I... Oh!
- What's going on? - Uh, Jewbot's finger...
I can feel it! That means...
Jewbot, you're alive!
Yes, I have survived my decapitation.
What sort of creature survives a decapitation?
Oh, there's that mildly amusing introspection
we know and love! Jewbot, get us out of here!
With what? All we have is my forehead
and the finger lodged up your rectum.
The finger... Uh, it's, uh, it's up there pretty good.
- Cool. Well, if we're done here, I... - No, no! Fine!
Just yank it, Jewbot. Do it!
- It's so shiny. - Fiber, baby.
He did it!
My God! What year is it?!
Have we taken back the Oval Office from the Kenyan?!
It's only been a few hours.
I can't hear anything. I've got the time sickness.
Good God, you look like hell! It must be 2075 at least.
You guys up for this?
We may be battered, but we're still your team, Rex.
As a severed head, I am less inspired, but, sure, whatever.
Well, I can't hear a word any of you are saying,
but everyone's nodding, so I will follow suit.
Let's do what we do, people.
Where the army seems powerless
to reclaim The League of Freedom's headquarters,
God only knows what's going on inside.
We both knew our dance of death had to end like this.
Ohh. We sure had some good times, though, didn't we?
Actually, you know what I do think about a lot?
That time I teamed up with that bell-bottom dude.
What was his name?
Flower Power!
I told him we were going to "blow a safe,"
but he didn't see the industrial fan.
And by the time I showed up, he was...
Chopped into little pieces!
Anyway...
Ah, decryption complete!
Now to input the launch codes.
Initiating launch sequence.
Estimated time, 27 minutes.
This is [bleep] ridiculous.
What if the Chinese were actually attacking right now?
What is Devizo doing in there?
- Holy shit! - Get this bitch off of me!
This is it, team! Split up and take them down!
Jewbot, you're with me.
Yes. I will provide valuable tactical information...
- Ahh! - Or that.
Man, get this bitch off of me!
So we get the skinny junkie and the house cat.
I think my partner, Quiplash, might have something to say about that.
Nice cat.
Dude, what the [bleep] was that?
There's something you should know about me.
I'm really good with pussy.
You see? That's how you do it.
- Hope you like pants-down spankings. - What?
- You've been a bad boy, Lex. - You sure about that?
You wouldn't hurt your loving daughter, would you?
Never gonna get used to that.
Now, this is a great use of my time.
What did you do with Black Saturn?
You'll never know. Kill him.
Kill him?! Well, I... I guess this is it, man. I...
A... Any last words?
Why don't you come up with something? You were always the funny one.
No one's ever said that to me before.
Wait! No, I'm not falling for that!
But how about, "I'm not one to be the 'prod' man out"?
Yaaaah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, see, that was funny.
Wait a minute. You... You really meant it.
- Wait, wait. What? - You're my arch-nemesis.
I kill you, I have to find another one.
- Ugh, still got a boner. - Thing's on a hair trigger.
It finally happened. The lizards mated with our women.
You cold-blooded bastards!
- Pretty sure that was racist. - What? What are you saying?
I won't be part of your sick experiments!
- You're still my daughter. - Daughter?
The only thing you gave me was this titanium hand.
And now I'm gonna kill you with it.
Aw, do you regret teaching me how to use my powers?
That's the thing, Lex.
- I didn't... not all of them. - What?
Every child born of House Titanium
is taught to use their fist by their parents.
You... You never taught me?
No, because deep down, I knew you weren't a hero.
I don't care what the tests say, Lex. You are not my daughter.
- Wait, Dad... - Get out of my mansion.
Dad?
No! Ahh!
Where are you? Stay away from me!
Stay away!
Shall we finish this, Rex?
Absolutely.
- Ow! - Looks... like...
you're pussy-whipped!
- I did it. - That was beautiful.
I... I really did it.
Now let's murder these two in cold blood.
Murder this, you sons of... Whoa, sorry!
What, what, what? What? I'm naked.
- Don't look at me! - Sorry!
One more time.
Who wants some Cooch?
Whoa!
- Yee-haw! - Oh!
Yeah!
Where are you going, Rex?
- Rushing towards death? - Blazar.
The last time, you bested me with trickery.
This time...
Smile, butt baby!
Devizo, shut it down.
A room full of supervillains, and they couldn't keep
Rex out of my hair for 20 goddamn minutes?!
- Is that you surrendering? - Oh?
- Rex, where's Ranger? - Wait, stop!
Your dominion over the human race is finished!
I surrender! Surrender! Please stop punching me!
- Please! Oh... - Hey, my hearing's back!
Help, Ranger!
Gloria!
- Gloria! - You take one more step,
and the Blue Menace here tears Gloria in half!
I don't know. Maybe I'll just shake her really hard.
It'll still get the job done, but then maybe
we don't all have nightmares for the rest of our lives.
Whatever. The point is, she's going to die.
So, what will it be, Rex...
your side piece or the fate of humanity?
I choose...
Time's up! You get neither.
Launch initiated, T-minus five minutes.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?!
What's happening? No, no, no!
- Oh! - I love you, baby.
Hey, what's happening?
Jewbot's body and CPU are connected.
You'd know that, but you haven't had his finger up your ass like I have.
Maybe don't share that.
Release me!
Interesting idea.
No, on second thought, go [bleep] yourself.
No, this can't be! Ohh!
Four minutes to launch.
- Rex, the launch! - We have got to destroy the mainframe.
How?
What are you thinkin', Rex?
There's a lava flow running 3,000 feet under the mansion.
It just might be hot enough to melt the mainframe.
And you.
That's a sacrifice a leader has to make.
Nah, Rex, don't worry about it. I'll do it. I got nine lives.
- Cooch, that's not real. - I... I... I knew that. Shit.
I'll drive the God damn machine.
This is not a democracy. My mind is made up.
Brad? What the hell are you doing, man?
- Get out of there this instant. - The team needs you, Rex,
a lot more than they need a big, pink junkie.
- Now, t... that is just not true, Brad. - What are you doing, man?
I'm trying to be a man that you can be proud of.
My last boyfriend was a strip club deejay, dude.
- You don't have to do this. - I do.
He'll be okay. I know it. I'm waiting here.
This whole area is about to be flooded with lava!
We have to go!
Come on, baby. Faster!
Checkmate, Rex. Check... What is that?
Launch canceled.
Oh, shit on me.
I... I guess this is it.
- Yeah, totally. Get out of here. - I... I'm goin'.
I... I'll miss you, bro.
These were the greatest months of my life. Oh, shit!
Seriously, we should get the [bleep] out of here.
No shit! Uh, peace!
Smell that, y'all?
That smells like one big [bleep] up
from The League of Freedom.
Where's Brad?
Brad... didn't make it.
Shit. Wish you would've said something
before I started raggin' on y'all.
H... He was the only one of you mother [bleep] I really liked!
What the hell are you doing?
Sorry, didn't know what the play was.
Uh, yeah. I mean, I appreciate it, but, uh...
Oh, no, no. That was weird. Don't worry about that.
_
- Lookin' good, you pink junkie. - I'll never forget you, Brad.
In the end, he was a true hero. You were right to believe in him, Rex.
You were right to believe in all of us.
We may not act like it all the time, but we're a team.
We are, aren't we?
- Guys, they're here! - The new candidates.
Oh, I'm gonna haze the shit out of 'em.
I guess it's time for us to get back to making America free-er.
And there's the fact that we let every last one of our villains escape.
And don't wanna be a bummer, but I'm still just a head.
Yeah. Well, that, too.
Well, I'm just saying it's been three months.
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~