-(hip-hop music playing)
-♪ The League of Freedom, that's in the past ♪
♪ Now it's just Da League, and we're comin' fast ♪
-♪ The name's Planetessa, Earth's mother in the flesh ♪
♪ Recycle your cans ♪
♪ Let's keep the world fresh ♪
-♪ I'm Johnny Pogs ♪
♪ You heard that right ♪
♪ Slam POGs all day and terror all night ♪
-♪ You got Gunchucks here ♪
♪ They say I'm a menace ♪
♪ But I love these chucks like Agassi loves tennis ♪
-(gunfire) -(women screaming)
-♪ I've got retractable wheels ♪
♪ You can call me Blades ♪
♪ I roll so fast I can outrun AIDS ♪
-♪ I'm the high-tech ape ♪
♪ Gorebot's my name ♪
♪ I run on DOS ♪
♪ I'm not ashamed ♪
♪ Run command line ♪
♪ Backslash, backslash, dance, now, execute ♪
-♪ I'm T to the Rex, big hero in charge ♪
♪ It's the '90s, babe, and we're livin' large ♪
♪ If you need help, then give us a call ♪
♪ Or catch us live at your local mall ♪
-(button clicks)
-I think I've seen enough.
-So what do you say? This is official merch.
They don't make 'em anymore.
-Or VCRs to play it on.
Ma'am, I don't think you can smoke in here.
-(bleep) off, nerd. (coughs)
-Come on, kid. I'll throw in some POGs.
-I don't know what those are.
Look, I just didn't recognize anyone in the video
except for Titanium Rex.
-We need this sale. Don't make me beg.
-Get off of me.
-Maybe we should pack it in.
No one's cared since Rex cut us loose.
-Look, look.
-(heroic music playing)
-He's here.
-(theme music playing)
-(grunting)
-(grunts)
-(glass shatters)
-(nervously) Um, um, um, when you were,
when you were, um, fighting the scarecrow guy,
were you, um,
were, were you...
During the fight, um, did you have fun?
-Yeah, kid, fighting scarecrow guy was pretty fun.
-Dear God, next question, please.
-Do you think appearing at the convention
is the best way
to reestablish yourself as heroes?
-We thought it was past time to reconnect with our fans,
you know, remind all of you that we're alive.
-Speaking of, you might wanna check on Cooch.
-(Cooch mumbling)
-Cooch, wake up.
-What? Did something cool happen?
Nope, still here.
-You know, if you'd like to see us back in our mansion
as the League of Freedom, write your congressman.
The address is--
-Thank you, former League of Freedom.
They'll be signing all weekend.
-Is our time up already?
-I hate to disappoint all these people.
-Most of us are here for the next panel.
They've reunited the cast of Robotjox.
-(up-tempo music playing) -(audience cheering)
-Dear God, we need another war.
-Can I go check on Liplor?
He's holding my place in line
for a sneak peek of Leprechaun 9:
The Leprechronicles of Leprecharnia.
-After the signing, Cooch,
which is on the other side of the hall.
Well, we could cut through Artists' Alley.
-No, never again.
-Sure, let's take the long way.
-I love watching grown adults play with plastic light swords.
Mind if I weep for America while we walk?
-Rex! T Rex?
-Oh, no.
-It is you! T to the Rex!
-Blades?
You're my childhood hero, man!
-Doesn't mean shit unless you buy something.
-On it!
-You're all here. Great.
-Da League in da house.
Well, except Gunchucks. God rest his soul.
-Dad, are you gonna introduce us to your friends?
-Sure. These are former teammates of mine.
-The name's Blade-- -(metal squeaks)
-Argh. I am sorry. My wheels are squeaking.
-Sorry. Did you say wheels?
-Blades had retractable titanium wheels
implanted in his feet.
How awesome is that?
-Rex always hated waiting for me
to lace up my Rollerblades, so...
-I never told you to get that surgery.
-You never told me not to.
-(coughing)
-Planetessa, you look... alive.
-Cut the shit, Rex.
Word of advice.
Before you link your life energy to Mother Earth,
might wanna check if she's covered
with 7.5 billion assholes
using her as their personal garbage can.
(coughing)
-Excuse me, beautiful.
You've got something in your ear,
a signature Johnny Pogs POG.
And what's this on the back?
My phone number.
-I'm sorry. Your breath is just really bad.
-I slept under the table last night.
-It's kickin'.
-This is probably over, right?
-Yes.
-No one told me POGs could be your superpower. No fair!
Man, you got so many. Are you rich?
-The opposite of that. These things are worthless.
-Can I have some then?
-Ten bucks each. -Sold!
-What sort of OS do you run?
-Oh, actually, it's a quantum-based mainframe that--
-Cool, that is really cool. I am on DOS.
All of the best machines run on DOS.
Do you like DOS?
-Gonna plead the Fifth.
-Yeah, there's a ton of cartilage in the foot.
When you cut it, it panics and wants to grow back.
Got two bone spurs the size of your dick.
-You should see a doctor. -Oh, really?
Should I take my yacht or the private jet?
-Well, we really need to get going.
-What's the hurry?
Hey, why don't you grab a seat and sign with us?
-Oh, no.
I-I-I don't think that's a good idea.
-You're not embarrassed of us, are you?
-No, we've got our own signing to do, unfortunately.
Well, gotta go.
-Dad, slow down. Dad!
What was that all about?
-I'm embarrassed, okay?
Da League was an exercise in pandering.
I was worried the League of Freedom
was losing its relevance,
and I... I overcorrected.
-But, Rex, they're your friends.
-They're a mistake,
a sad footnote in the history of the League.
They are not my friends.
♪ ♪
-I've got to sign my name for an hour?
No one told me there'd be homework.
-(breathing nasally)
-We've got another one.
-Unh!
-There you go.
Now, if you'll just sign something for me.
-This is an army enlistment form.
-If I can save one of you, all this was for something.
-I was always of the mind
you and Hellmaker would be the better matchup.
Now, hear me out.
His ability to summon fire demons
may seem out of balance
with your more traditional powers.
Uh, you know, anything from...
-Rex, allow me.
I've taken the liberty to learn several nerd calls.
(lisping) Guys, Kevin Sorbo's doing autographs at table 6-C!
-Kevin Sorbo!
-Thank you. That was brutal.
-Okay. That's it for today.
-Are... Are you sure?
Look at all these people.
-This is the line for David Naughton.
-Who the (bleep) is David Naughton?
-He's the guy who's wondering
who got nacho cheese all over his signing table.
-I'm so sorry. I'll clean it up with my shirt.
-Too late.
I want a new table,
and get me one of those ergonomic chairs
while you're out.
-Yes, sir. Right away, sir.
-So, what, you're an actor or something?
-(crowd gasps)
-I'm David mother-rimming Naughton,
the unofficial mayor of Convention Town.
And if you want to sign autographs in my barrio,
you will show me respect.
-Anything I would've seen you in?
-A little movie called
An American Werewolf in London!
(howling) -(crowd howling)
-(sniffing) Fresh meat?
-Huh?
-I can't guarantee you
there won't be a more stunning woman in line,
but for the time being, yes.
-Yes, what?
-I will take you to dinner tonight.
-Not interested.
Don't even know if I'm flattered.
-Rest assured, you are.
-Excuse me. This is my daughter.
-I'm not ready to ask for your blessing yet.
Talk to me in the morning.
Don't wash that cheek. It's a collector's item now.
(howling) -(crowd howling)
-What the hell, Liplor? You're at the back of the line?
I told you to get here early.
-I was the third person in line, but I had to go to the bathroom.
I couldn't find my spot.
I was viciously berated for even trying...
(grunts) ...and now you find me here.
Anyways, good news.
I received this free bag
full of something they call "swag."
-Mini posters for The Blacklist, Season 6?
See ya.
We could miss Leprechaun 9:
The Leprechronicles of Leprecharnia.
Do you understand that?
-I am a rock slave from below the Earth's crust.
I understand absolutely none of this.
-Come on, Liplor.
We gotta get in there.
-I don't get it, Lex.
Adults playing dress-up in public with no shame?
It's poppycock!
-Maybe you should look in a mirror.
-Why, is my beak off-center?
What is this?
Sir, the Red Lapis was a murderer.
He killed hundreds before we took him down.
-I'm Peter Cottontail.
My kid wanted to come,
and this is all I could throw together.
Wow, look at your costume. That's neat.
-This is a uniform!
I'll have you know, I plucked
each and every one of these feathers
from bald eagles I trapped myself.
-(crowd gasps)
-Before it was a "thing."
They were everywhere!
They were like rats. You all need to grow up!
-Sarah: Excuse me.
Can I get a picture of your costume?
-Now, see? This I like.
-Mmm! Mmm-mmm-mmm!
-Black Saturn: He's over here, guys.
Hey, Rex, is it cool if I head down to Tijuana
with my new best friend, Blades?
-Why?
-Thinking of getting some wheels of my own implanted.
Then we'll be blade brothers.
-You are not getting retractable Rollerblades
implanted in your feet.
I'll thank all of you to stay away from my team.
-See? I told you guys.
-Told them what?
-That you're embarrassed of us.
-I am not embarrassed of you.
I've just been really busy for the last 20 years.
-He's lying, and please, finish these nachos.
If the cheese makes it to a landfill,
Mother Earth weeps.
She weeps cheese.
(coughing)
-You think you are better than me?
-I'm objectively better than you.
You're based on DOS.
-Command line,
backslash, backslash, engage rage fist.
Run. Execute.
(growling)
-(laughs) I haven't seen Gorebot that mad
since we all got each other Furbys for Christmas.
-(laughs) Yeah, I hadn't thought about that in a while.
-He got so jealous.
-We caught him upstairs stuffing them all in a toilet.
(imitating Gorebot) "Go away. I will not be replaced."
-(laughter)
-You know what? Take a seat. Let's grab some lunch.
-All right! -Yes!
-(coughing)
-You want a free comic book?
It follows the adventures of a hypersexualized
river rat samurai in the post-apocalyptic New Jersey.
-Oh, God.
I've wondered into Artists' Alley.
I've got to get outta here!
Oh!
What the hell?
You can't sell naked pictures of me.
I'm shutting this down.
-You can't do that. You have no jurisdiction here.
-(howling)
The lady asked you to shut it down, Mike.
That means you shut it down.
-Mr. Naughton, I'm sorry.
I didn't know she was a friend of yours.
-Well, she is... -I love you.
-...and maybe more, much more.
-Wow. Thank you for that.
Looks like I might have misjudged you.
-I'd be willing to forgive you if you join me for dinner.
-Oh, I don't think I...
You know what? Sure.
What's the worst that could happen?
-Well, you never know when you dine with a werewolf.
(growls)
Eight o'clock? I'd like to be in bed before 10:00.
-Okay.
-Sorry, folks. We're reaching capacity.
The woman dressed as Harley Quinn
is the end of the line.
No, not that Harley Quinn.
No, not that one.
-We're gonna miss it, Liplor.
This is all your fault.
I'm gonna have to watch Leprechaun 9:
The Leprechronicles of Leprecharnia
on Netflix like a piece of shit.
-This isn't the Leprechaun 9 screening hall.
Everyone is here for a sneak peek
of The Blacklist Season 6.
-Where's the line for Leprechaun 9:
The Leprechronicles of Leprecharnia?
-There's no line for that. Go right in.
-We're gonna see it, Liplor!
We're gonna see Leprechaun 9:
The Leprechronicles of Leprecharnia.
-You don't have to say the entire title each time.
-Yeah, I do.
-Hey, Sarah. -Hey, Nick, Alex.
Look what I found.
-Yes, a fellow ge-ek playing dress-up,
comingling with other ge-eks of his kind.
Who knows what will happen?
Maybe two of us will fall in love.
-Wow, these muscles look real.
Wait a minute. They are real.
Are you sure you're a geek?
-Wha... Oh... Oh, yes, the ge-ekiest.
I-I spend my days watching science fiction serials
and having the ge-ekiest of debates
with my fellow ge-eks.
-Is he saying "geek" really weird?
-I'll settle this.
Star Wars or Star Trek?
-Neither.
I enjoy the exploits of Mister... Hobbit.
I particularly enjoy when Mr. Hobbit
rides on his fairy-dust bike.
Did you guys see Mr. Hobbit?
-No. -You've got to.
-I see what's going on here.
He's deep into character.
I love it. -And I love you.
-What? -What? (laughs)
That's what the American Ranger would say.
-(laughter)
-And then Gunchucks yelled,
"Yippie-ki-yay, motherchucker!"
And he did a full backflip.
-Gunchucks blazing.
-No regard for anyone's safety.
-Bullets flying everywhere.
-The television helicopters
were like, "Wub, wub, wub, wub.
Get us the hell outta here."
-Ah, who would've thought that he'd be dead
not one year later
from a tragic gunchuck-related accident?
-Me, I did.
-Yeah, me, too.
Wow, it's been a long time since we talked.
This was nice.
We've got some good memories.
-Yeah, we sure do, don't we? (laughs)
Wouldn't it be great if we could sell them?
-What do you mean?
-Our lawyers say that you refuse to sign a licensing agreement.
Without it, we can't sell Da League merchandise.
-Oh, I see. You were just buttering me up.
-Rex, it could be a good income stream for us.
We could, you know, feed ourselves.
-I am not responsible for your financial situation.
-You left us behind, man, like some sort of fad.
-Just admit it, you're embarrassed of us!
-Fine, I'm embarrassed.
I wish Da League had never existed.
You were a pathetic, pandering, ineffectual, yes, fad.
I moved on.
It's not my fault you didn't.
-(chuckles) Yeah, well, then after AAWIL,
I went straight into another classic,
HDTM.
-HDTM?
-Hot Dog: The Movie.
But the Naught-man doesn't like talking about his career.
-And I've yet to ask about it.
-You learn a lot about yourself
playing a man with a monster inside him.
Sorry, nothing you'd know anything about.
-Well, you'd be surprised, actually.
-Really?
-What the hell? Might as well just throw it out there.
Uh, I have an evil insect inside me. (chuckles)
It's trying to get out, like, all the time. (chuckles)
Pretty much all I think about.
I can't believe I just opened up
to someone who calls himself the "Naught-man."
-Hey, you can talk to me.
I know exactly what you're going through.
Lay it on me.
-Leprechaun (on screen): And leprechauns are actually
clones of ancient space people
from the four elite lepre-galaxies.
Let it be written,
for these are the Leprechronicles of Leprecharnia!
-Now we know.
-Does anyone have any questions?
-Yeah, I was just wondering if you had any eye drops?
-Eye drops?
-You just spent the last 90 minutes
taking a giant shit in my eyeballs.
Leprechauns do not break-dance.
They do not have hover cars,
and the males of the leprechaun species
sure as shit don't lay eggs!
-Ma'am, I have to ask you to leave.
-I'm just getting warmed up.
-So what ge-ek ritual shall we partake in now?
That is unless you wanna get out of here.
I'll buy you a meal?
No? You're right.
Let's just ge-ek it up...
in this dark alley.
-We're not doing anything
until we're sure you're one of us.
-What? But we totally ge-eked out
back there over Mr. Hobbit.
-Maybe you were referring to a trilogy of movies
called The Hobbit?
-Yes, that one, that one, and, boy, did I love it.
-Geeks hate
The Hobbit.
-(suspenseful music plays)
-Now, let's all relax.
I don't want to hurt you.
-If you're really a geek, you won't be able to.
-Do your worst.
(grunting)
(screaming)
-And so, that's me.
My mom was a genetically engineered bug-person,
and I have to live with her legacy every day.
-I can't believe we have this much in common.
-Okay, I know you're a "method actor,"
but until you've felt your bones
morph into the shape of a monster,
you have no idea.
-You don't understand.
When I was preparing
for An American Werewolf in London--
-O-M-God. Stop!
We're not talking about your stupid movie.
It's late. I've got to go.
-Oh, my God. The time.
I need you to tie me to my bed, now.
-Hard pass.
-Jesus Christ!
I'm on fire! (grunts)
-Put your clothes back on. This is not happening.
-When I was researching my role,
I did a ride-along with a pack
of wolfen-likes, real werewolves.
One of them caught me reaching for his Zagnut bar and bit me.
I'm cursed.
(screaming)
Rick Baker won an Academy Award for my work.
(screaming)
-What the (bleep)?
-(howling)
-Come on, Rex. They need to close up.
-I'm not finished.
-Look, I know you feel guilty for leaving your team behind.
-I can't save everyone.
Some people are just not cut out for this game.
-Oh!
-Lex, what happened?
-I went to dinner with David Naughton.
It turns out he's a-- -(roaring)
-Oh! -(yells)
-(crackles) -(growls)
-What the hell just happened?
-You know what? I'll take care of it. (grunts)
-No!
-(growling) -(grunting)
(groans)
-Their claws are supernaturally sharp.
-Just a hair late on that one, Dad.
-(growling)
-(grunts)
-(growling)
-Where's the rest of the team?
-Blades: I think you mean
da team!
-Get out of here. You're going to get killed.
-We're not gonna lose you twice.
-Hey, wait up. Whoa.
I bought some Rollerblades.
Whoa! Oh.
I'm still getting the hang of it.
-Double-bladed whirlwind on
three, two, one. -Whoa.
Oh, these things suck!
-(Blades whimpering) -(growling)
(howling)
-Damn it, Rex.
We need our leader.
-All right. Blades, razzle-dazzle on my signal.
Planetessa, you wrap him up.
Johnny, unload those POGs.
Gorebot... -Take one for the team?
-You know it.
Bring in Da League, bring on da funk.
That was our catchphrase. Never caught on.
-Do you like DOS? -(growls)
-Well, here we are.
-(growling) -Come on, wolf-boy.
-(groaning)
(roaring)
-(grunts)
-(groaning)
-I'm loading my silver slammers, Rex.
Say the word.
-Wait! He's not evil.
I can reason with him.
David, this isn't you.
You're not a wolf.
-(low growl) -You're an amazing actor.
You've got fans that love you.
-(low growl)
-I never told you this,
but I had such a crush on you in Gremlins.
-That was Zach Galligan!
David Naughton wasn't in Gremlins.
-(roaring)
-Oh, shit. -(growling)
(whimpering)
-No!
-(groaning)
Thank you.
(moans)
-And where were you, Ranger?
-I was getting jumped in, Rex.
I'm now officially a ge-ek.
Unfortunately, the woman I was trying to impress
is in a relationship with fake Black Saturn.
So it was all for naught.
-Get your goddamn hands off of me.
I'm not going anywhere until someone can explain to me
who gave leprechauns jet packs.
-Would you like to try mine?
-Sure, what the hell?
-DOS is boss.
-Hey, get back here.
M-- (sighs)
Run command C, colon,
backslash, backslash, give chase.exe.
-I was wrong to turn my back on Da League.
You guys were there when it counted.
If there's anything I can do to help you--
-Yes, there is. -We made that very clear.
-Sign the release and let us manufacture merch for Da League.
-You got it.
Anything else?
-Well...
-(hip-hop music playing)
-♪ I'm T to the Rex ♪
♪ And Da League is back ♪
-♪ Get your merch today ♪
-♪ And licensed snacks ♪
-♪ We got coasters, towels, Gorebot flash drives ♪
-♪ Every dollar that you spend keeps us ♪
(echoing) ♪ Alive ♪
♪ Alive ♪
-♪ Gave up my POGs for these fidget spinners ♪
-♪ The world's landfills are the only winners ♪
-♪ Exclusive merch that you can score ♪
-♪ If you browse on down to our new web store ♪
-♪ H-T-T-P, backslash, backslash ♪
♪ Colon W-W-W ♪
♪ Dot D-A dash League ♪
♪ Dot biz, backslash webstore ♪
-♪ Gunchucks for life ♪
-(sighs)
-(theme music playing)
-(monkey chattering) -man: Stoopid Monkey.