-(dramatic music)
-(helicopter blades whirring)
-Agent 587 on site.
-Copy that, Corporal Lopez. You are a go to initiate audit of black site Metaphora.
-(bird chirping)
-(eerie music)
-(skittering)
-(Sergeant Agony slurping) -Are you eating?
-No.
-Because this is kind of serious.
-And that's why I'm not eating.
-(dramatic music)
-(keypad beeping)
-Doesn't look like anyone's home.
-Your delta-level clearance should get you through the front door. Proceed.
(chomps)
-(keypad warbling) -(gate creaking)
-(dramatic note plays)
-Oh. -(skittering)
-Wait. Are you eating now?
-Corporal Lopez: It's after me. Aah!
-(dramatic music) -Send help!
-(gunshots)
-Sergeant Agony: Lopez, come in, come in! Come in. Lopez!
A lot of screaming for an audit. Too much, frankly.
-(theme music playing)
-(Cooch yawning)
Cooch: Got to make the quesadillas.
-(flames roar)
-Ah, shit! Who yanked the damn pizza stones out of the oven?
-When I see a stone in an oven cooked to perfection, I'm going to eat it.
Not trying to be difficult, but I know myself
-"Established superheroes available for your crime-fighting needs.
"Rates negotiable.
(keys clacking) "Also giving away an Ilega Fluganarg bookcase.
"Must be able to pick up. No dick pics."
-Did you have to mention the dick pics?
-You really don't get Craigslist, do you?
-Oh, damn it!
-Something wrong, Saturn?
-I've been reading this kick-ass self-help book to get over The Groaner.
-"It's Not You, It's Them: Getting Your Ex Back and Keeping Them in Your Life Forever."
Sounds...unhealthy.
-Oh, it's sick all right! But I'm stuck on chapter three,
"Dunk on Their Face By Getting a Promotion at Work." I'm a superhero!
There aren't any promotions, not until Rex leaves me the team, of course.
-You think Rex is leaving you the team? (laughs nervously)
Guys, is anyone else hearing this?
-What's so funny?
-I'm just saying, Rex has a daughter now.
-You think he's leaving the team to Lex?
-Of course. I mean, because blood is thicker than water,
not because you're a toxic narcissist.
-(dramatic music)
-We'll see about that.
-Rex, I hope you've got your smelling salts handy,
because this is going to knock you out!
-Okay, come on. -I know you and Lex think you can get the word out
by electronic sandwich board, but--
-Craigslist? Who put Lex in charge? Let's not do that again, right?
-But nothing gets the peepers popping like a tattoo on Ma Bell's backside
-You took out an ad in the yellow pages?
-I backed the wrong horse. Forget I said anything.
-I got eight full-page ads for $11.99!
-You were probably their first call in months.
-The saleswoman did break down in tears of joy when I placed the order.
-And now we have a 50-pound book to get rid of. Liplor, can you eat this?
-I guess I could try.
-(helicopter blades whirring)
-(heroic music)
-(dramatic music) -In my duties as accountant general,
I monitor the finances of the United States government. Last year, I uncovered
a black site on a remote island off the coast of South America,
suckin' up budget like a black hole.
I sent my best agent in to run an audit. 24 hours ago, I lost contact.
I'm leading the team into the South American jungle to get her back.
I need your help.
-I thought Dr. Devizo and his hoodlums were your league of choice.
-This mission is off the books. I need a team that's expendable.
Uh-- I mean, can't be tracked back to me! I mean, I just like you guys better. That's all.
(to himself) Should've rehearsed this on the ride over.
-Who are the desk jockeys?
-Meet Corporal Fox and Corporal Render,
the finest damn tactical accountants you'll ever meet.
-No one I know earned their stars and bars by crunching enemy numbers.
-I served in Nam, Saigon Audit of '75.
Try inventorying a palette of mimeographs
as they're airlifted out of Saigon under heavy bombardment.
-So while we were losing the first war in U.S. history, you were counting beans!
-Did you call me a bean counter?
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up now. Watch the language, everybody.
-Okay. I've heard enough. We'd love to help, but we're awfully busy.
-Oh, really?
We've been monitoring your little operation, Rex. We saw the damn Craigslist ad!
-It's working. Great!
-No dick pics? You ever use Craigslist, girl?
You're throwing out a hook with no bait!
-Hell, is that the bookshelf? I like it.
-Can you get it out of here today?
-My cousin might be able to borrow a truck and get it out of here this weekend.
-Yeah, no deal.
-It's a pass, Agony. If you haven't noticed, we're living
in an abandoned pizza restaurant because of you.
We're not in the mood to do you any favors.
-Then don't do it for me.
Do it for the military-grade accountant who's out there lost and alone.
Last time I saw you, you said all you wanted to do was help.
-(dramatic music) -Well, this is me asking for help.
What do those faces mean? Do they mean what I think they mean?
-All right. Fine. Let's do it.
-Hell yes! -(hands smack together)
-Move out, let's go!
Hold up, Liplor. How much do you weigh?
-36 quasarts.
-How many pounds is a quasart?
-Thousands, many thousands.
-These birds have to be able to get up in the air.
You gonna have to sit this one out.
-Thank God. I have tickets to the opera.
I have to buy five seats to fit my girth, so-- woo!
(laughs) It was pretty pricey.
-Yes! We got a hit on the bookshelf.
Liplor, can you hang out until they show up?
-Oh, I, uh--
-They're like 10 minutes away, and he's got his own truck.
-As long as I'm out of here by 6:30.
-I can't hear you. Stay here. Thanks!
-(receives text message)
-Oh, so, that's a dick pic. Truly unpleasant.
-It looks like Agony found a team for his mission.
-(dramatic music) -Are you sure you don't want help?
You said you knew that island well.
-Oh I do, Optimal Rex.
And some skeletons are better left in their closet.
-(rock music)
-Do you have to play the music so loud?
-Yes I do, sir. The radios in these puppies, they don't even have knobs
-Why would anyone build a facility this far off the mainland?
-That's what we gonna find out, Rex!
-We're going into the jungle. It's a special kind of hell.
-I read all about "Vietnam."
Sounded like you boys were too busy playing rock music
and growing your hair to win the war.
Well, that's not me, Buster.
I'm not taking a loss because Mommy forgot to pack my mosquito repellent.
-You look worried.
-If I'm in the jungle for too long, I'll go feral.
-My spirit guide is the panther.
If you lose your way, I will guide you.
-(sarcastically) Wow. Thanks, dude.
Uh, can we change seats?
-I know what you're doing.
-Girls get gas, too, and it's not like I can--
-Yuck, yuck, yuck, no!
I know you're trying to take this team from me.
-Did I miss something?
-No, but you will.
You're gonna wake up one morning and I'll be leading the League.
I'm twice the leader you'll ever-- oh, wow. You do have gas.
-I'm sorry. -(coughing)
-What the hell are you doing?
-Airing this place out. That's right, I made a command decision.
-Incoming!
-(explosion) -(dramatic music)
-We've been hit!
-We're going down! Lex, help me!
Not too hard, or we'll tear it apart!
-Look, Rex! I'm helping, too!
-Brace for impact!
-(screaming)
-(ground rumbling)
-Out of my way! She's gonna blow!
Every man for himself! (sobs)
-Is he gon' be okay?
-You'll learn to stop asking.
-Good job, Lex.
-Thanks, Dad.
-I don't know. She could've done better. We move out in 10! Let's go, people!
-We're not going anywhere.
-You hear that, idiots? Take five!
-What's the problem?
-You didn't say anything about fireballs screaming out of the sky
and endangering my team.
-I forgot to tell you the black-ops mission to an island
that ate one of my men was dangerous? My bad.
-(groans)
-Robobot, can you fix this thing?
-No, I think we should let Cooch do it... I'm on it.
-Lex, you stay here and help Robobot.
-Uh, I think I'd better stay behind, too.
Maybe do whatever you want Lex to do, but, you know, like a lot better.
-Ranger, Cooch, you're with me.
-Fantastic. It'll give me a chance to show these boys
that a little jungle isn't a valid excuse for losing a war.
-You want to change first?
-My uniform is a space-age, polyester-eagle-down blend.
I think I'll be quite all right, thank you.
-All right. Gear up, team. Let's get this over with.
-I guess no one cares how I'll be filling my time, huh?
I'm a person, too! Just sayin'!
-Come on. Where is this guy?
-(cellphone ringing) -Ah, hello?
What? Oh it's your cousin that has the pickup truck now?
Not off for an hour?!
Uh...no, no, no. I guess that's all right.
No, no, I will definitely be here.
-(cellphone beeps)
-Ughh.
-(dramatic music)
-(flies buzzing)
-I'm sorry. What's so hard about this again?
Is it the bugs? Oh, quick! Better dust off. I think this one's a beetle--
(choking) It's in my mouth! One flew in my mouth!
-You all right, Cooch?
-For now, but I could go feral any second.
-Hold off as long as you can.
Hopefully we won't be here that long.
-Hold it. Lopez disappeared two clicks from here.
-If we take this second path, we could surprise whatever took her.
-Don't you mean whoever?
-This is dense, un-passable wilderness, not a path!
-Not yet. -(ominous music note)
-(mutters)
-Give the control rod a try.
-Who are you talking to?
-Uh, you?
-Weird that you didn't use my name, but okay.
I'm sure it's not because you never bothered to learn it.
-What do you want to hear, dude?
-That's what I thought.
-Control rod, please!
-Whatever. -(engine sputtering)
-We should fan out and secure a perimeter.
-(imitates buzzer) Mutiny, mutiny! (laughs)
No but seriously, I won't be following your orders.
-Saturn, Rex-- -Should've told you I was in charge?
Agreed completely.
We need fire. I need you to go gather some pine cones. Where did you go?
Lex? Lex?!
-(flames roaring)
-Nope, nope, nope, nope. No, you were supposed to pick it up today.
How do I know your cousin has a truck?
Okay, but please hurry. It's getting late.
-(cellphone beeps) -(groans)
I wonder if Mr. Dick Pic has a truck.
-This is ridiculous! How do you see an enemy coming with all these bullshit vines?!
-You don't.
-Death is all around you.
-Well, I don't like this at all. This is no way to fight a war,
never knowing who's in front of you, behind you.
And if one more of these mother(bleep) flies in my mouth!
-Hey, hey, hey, hey! Cool out, brother.
-I can't! I've been in the jungle for three hours,
and I might lose my pinkie toes to pruning!
-Maybe you just need a little jungle medicine.
-Brownies? A taste of home.
-(flies buzzing) -(Cooch screeching)
-Is she gonna be all right?
-Not unless we wrap this up soon. Are we close?
-I'd say so.
This is Lopez's graphic calculator.
Oh, nope, sorry. That's mine. Must've fallen out of the holster.
-(cellphone clatters) -God damn it, man!
Keep track of your shit! Look like a real asshole.
I don't know where the hell we are.
-Oh, delicious! I could've done a tour in 'Nam if the MRE's were this good
A little ashy at the end there.
-Yep. That's the marijuana.
-Excuse me?
-Highly concentrated, military-grade Mary Jane.
Should've told you to just eat half, but
(chuckling) hell, nobody ever listens to that anyway.
-You son of a bitch! I've tried your devil's weed, and it did not go well.
-Hey, relax. You didn't have your brothers in arms with you last time.
As long as I'm here, nothing bad can--
-(vine whips) -(screams)
-Render! -(vine whips)
-Shit, Fox!
-(skittering)
-Nope. Uh-uh.
-(gunfire) -(screaming)
-Aah!
-(screaming)
-(groaning)
-Was that necessary?
-Hell no! I couldn't figure out how to shut the damn thing off!
Why do you think I was screaming?
-(growling)
-(claws swiping)
-Cooch?
-(roaring)
-Looks like your girl picked up a scent. Let's move!
And leave the guns. Clearly, I should not be touching these things.
-(bolt tightens) -All right. Fire it up.
-Just so you know, another way to get my attention would be to say my name,
unless you thought my name was All Right!
-Just turn the key, dude.
-It's Nate Metzler, by the way!
-Great... what are you doing?
-(gasoline splatters) -I'm starting this fire so we don't freeze to death.
-It's 110 degrees... in the shade.
-Temperature could drop at any moment. A true leader is prepared for everything.
-(flames roaring) -Oh, not my legs!
-Should have learned this, but you're also going to blow up the helicopter, dipshit!
-(suspenseful music) -(helicopter rumbling)
-(groaning)
-Thank God you're here, Lex.
-What?! Bullshit! If she'd been here with my pine cones, none of this would've happened!
-There aren't pine trees on tropical islands.
-Really? Did you look?
-If you wanted a fire, you could've just asked -(ominous music)
-Nate with an E.
-We are in the middle of something here!
-This is it. This is where Lopez went missing.
-Ranger, what's taking so long?
-(voice breaking) While we're asking questions, what is time? Can you see it?
Can you taste it? No. But as it moves, it moves us.
-Oh, for (bleep) sake.
-Cooch: Rex? Is that you? -Cooch!
-Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi.
-What happened? Did you see it? -Nah, man. I got hit before I saw a thing.
I can usually, at least, smell someone coming--
their buttholes, I mean. That's what I smell, people's buttholes.
-Got it Cooch. What is this place?
-Oh, Agony, is that you?
-Render, are you injured?
(screams) A little warning, man!
Wait. No blood. That's a cybernetic arm.
-What did this thing want with your hand?
-It needed my embedded credentials to open the door.
-Wait a second. Why does your arm look like an arm? They can make these things look real now?
-Yep, for years. I have feeling in it, too.
-And I've just been walking around with these forklift tongs stuck to my shoulders?!
You imagine trying to sleep on these things?!
-Son of a bitch!
-(high pitched) Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! What's the deal?
-Something lured us here to open that door. There's something you're not telling me!
-Okay, okay!
This isn't an island... it's a prison. -(eerie music)
-That's also an island. You know what I mean.
-Many countries don't have the resources to house their supervillains,
so for decades, they sent them here,
hundreds of 'em. When I learned the U.S. government had set up shop here, I had to know why.
-Hundreds of supervillains? But the place is deserted.
-And we're gonna find out why. -(American Ranger chomping)
(distorted screams and chomps)
Guys, I found some Wheat Thins under a desk.
You ever notice how they scream every time you bite into them?
-You brought the goddamn brownies, didn't you?!
-Which one of you is in charge?
-I've been lit on fire once today, so, uh, Lex, he's talking to you.
-What do you want?
-I want this helicopter and that pilot to take--
-The name's Nate Metzler!
-...to take me off this island for good,
unless anyone else flies. That guy seems up his own ass.
-Those flames... you're the asshole that shot us out of the sky!
-Okay, relax. That was a distress signal. My control was diminished by the procedure.
-Procedure? -Sorry, the name's Flame Scar. Famous Brazilian supervillain--
at least, I was, until I was imprisoned with 300 other degenerates.
There was no law. Food was scarce. But we survived...
until they showed up.
-Do they have a name, like me, Nate Metzler?
-What is with this guy?
(clears throat) They were a shadowy government organization.
They rounded all of us up, did experiments on our powers. We started disappearing,
until one of us made them stop.
-Who?
-What's your status, Fox?
-I'm down a cybernetic ear. Be very careful, and keep your voice down.
-Render, get this guy back to the chopper!
-Something's using your team's biometrics to open these doors.
-(eerie music)
-This place has a very, very bad vibe, man.
-What are you nerds reading?
-Dr. Kleptor. Oh, I haven't heard that name in a long time.
He was a crackpot who claimed he could remove superpowers from villains,
but he got shut down after Magmalon died on his table. Bastard.
-Looks like he's back in business.
-Power retardant. They must've used this to weaken the patients.
-This whole room is set up to harvest powers.
-What for?
-From what it looks like... that.
-(warbling)
-Open it. -It's locked with an omega-level holo key. Now I--
-Good thing I have a key of my own.
-(banging noise) -Oh, son of a bitch!
-You okay, dude? -Yeah, I'm fine.
-'Cause that looked like it hurt.
-Nope. -As I was saying,
before this turned into a dick-measuring contest,
I have omega-level clearance.
-You've had a cybernetic eye this whole time?
-Yep.
-And the eye patch is because?
-It freaks people out.
-(laser warbling) -(scanner beeps)
-Female Voice: Welcome, new user.
Affix gauntlets to fist for authentication.
Note: powers in beta have not yet calibrated.
-(gauntlets beeping) - Please use caution.
-Oh, my God. Is that--
-A gizmo that stores superpowers harvested from hundreds of villains? Yes, it is.
-Maybe one of them wanted theirs back.
-But once this place went into lockdown, the gauntlets would be secure,
unless some chump with omega-level clearance marched in here and-- oh, shit!
-(eerie music) -Close it up. Cooch, Ranger, guard that door.
-(growling)
-Agony, hurry!
-(dramatic music) -(laser warbling)
-(claws scratching)
-(grunting)
-(punching and grunting)
-No, no, no, no! Oh, shit! Oh, no. -Hug time! Aah!
-(electricity crackles) -That ain't right.
-(laser warbling) -(cybernetic eyeball clanks)
-Female Voice: Welcome, new user. Would you like to enter a name?
-I know who that is.
-Female Voice: Registration delayed.
-Shock and awe. -Female Voice: Shock and awe.
-(gauntlets warbling)
-Feet of feather.
-Female Voice: Feet of feather.
-(gauntlets warbling) -(whooshing)
-I know who that is.
-She wasn't like the rest of us. -(dramatic music)
-She was soft when she came here but she was not soft for long.
-(energy powering up)
-When they came to take her, she was ready.
-(powering up intensifies)
-They did not gain her powers. They lost their lives.
-(powering up intensifies)
-I was freed in the chaos, but I am not safe from her violence.
We must leave together, or we die alone.
-(powering up intensifies)
-Sounds like this guy's cool, Lex, I'll tag back in.
Let me be the first to welcome you to our little commune.
I am the leader--
-Watch out! -(flames)
-Huh? Oh, no, no, son of a bitch! Not again! Whoa!
-(warbling) -What?
-Fly. -Can I get a please?
-(bones crunch) -Oh!
-Now.
-(dramatic music) -(helicopter blades whirring)
-Aah! No!
-Female Voice: Would you like to set username now?
-Yes.
-I know who that is.
-Female voice: Say name when ready.
-(gas hissing, helmet releasing)
-Debbie Devizo.
-(dramatic music)
-Nate: Nate Metzler, my name, by the way.
-(theme music playing)
-(brakes squeak)
-Hey, my cousin flaked. His bad. But I brought my Firebird. Do you think it'll fit in here?
-(hip-hop music plays from car)
-(grunting) It fits.
-(monkey chattering) - Stupid monkey.