-[wind howling]
-[projector whirring]
-[dramatic music playing]
-Announcer: A world at war.
Hitler's army's lay waste to Europe.
But from the ashes, a hero arises.
It's the American Ranger.
-How do you do?
-Announcer: Give 'em one for us back home.
-How about I make it two?
-[grunts]
[laughing]
-Announcer: But it sounds like our war heroes
aren't good enough for our Soviet comrades.
-[in Russian accent] This war needs a hero who clawed his way
from the womb of Mother Russia.
-[singing in Russian] -This war needs the Soviet Slayer.
-[grunts]
-It's a... good thing he's on our side.
-Announcer: Yeah, for now.
-[in Russian accent] When the Nazis are destroyed,
I will challenge the Ranger to hand-to-hand combat.
The world will see the superiority
of the communist spirit.
-Announcer: Oh, look at Ranger, kids,
just hankering for a chance to show that commie what for.
-Yes, that is right. Yippie.
-[projector rattles]
-The Soviet Slayer was the pride of Mother Russia.
-Lost to time, like the great Soviet Union.
-That which is lost may also be found.
-[rattling] -[whirring]
-The American Ranger, where is he?
-[theme music playing]
-Let's take it from the top one more time.
-Debbie Devizo made short work of our combined forces.
-[slow-motion scream]
-My ex-wife made her way to my fortified safe room.
-The ex-wife who wanted to kill you for abandoning her
on a desert island for decades.
-You think that detail is important?
Yes, she was about to kill me when...
-[groans]
-You saved his life.
-Well, I couldn't let Debbie commit cold-blooded murder.
-I screamed for Rex to, "Get out of the way!
This is all my fault! Save yourself!"
-You said that?
-I was screaming it... in my head so loud.
-Uh-huh.
-I could feel myself being cooked from the inside,
and then...
-[grunting] -[yelling]
-I lunged at her.
-Dr. Devizo brought Debbie down.
-And once more, Titanium Lex never engaged Debbie Devizo?
-[shrieking]
-[groans]
-That's correct.
-You're both free to go.
-So, you've finished your investigation?
-Not even close.
I've got hits on radar matching Titanium Lex's signature
coming and going from the sight of Debbie's attack.
But the two of you say Lex wasn't there.
And on top of that, no one can tell me what happened
when your team was stuck in the future.
-It's fuzzy. Time travel does that to you.
-Best rest assured, Imma get to the bottom of it.
-What are we doing, Devizo?
-What we have to.
-We both know what Lex was becoming,
and now she's out there, lost.
-Rex, before, um...
-What is it?
-Titanium Lex: Dad, I'm sorry I let you down.
I won't come back unless I've beaten this evil
that I inherited from Frau Mantis.
If I feel myself slipping away,
I promise to...
do what needs to be done.
Please don't look for me. I love you, Dad.
-Black Saturn: Ugh! This is disgusting!
-I admit, cooking these chicken eggs
is more challenging than I thought.
-What? N-no! Look at this.
"The Royal Couple of Crime-Fighting Comedy"?
I'm so glad I left The Groaner in the dust
and never think about him anymore.
But, yeah, your eggs are freaking ass.
Why is their gravel in here?
-Liplor's my friend.
He's not some dumbass that puts gravel in eggs.
-I absolutely put gravel in these eggs.
-Well, looks like I'll be taking my breakfast to...
Hyah!
I'm gonna go watch cartoons.
-[muttering]
-Rex, you okay there, buddy?
-Uh, I wouldn't do that. Liplor put rocks...
Uh, Ranger, a little help here?
-What say we put Lex's letter down for a bit?
-[door opens] -Where are you going?
-I think some of our mail is going to the mansion.
Thought I'd swing by and sort it out.
-I'll go! -I wasn't asking for company.
-Royal couple of crime-fighting comedy?
We'll show them, right?
-No idea what you're talking about.
-[crunching]
-Good God, Rex. Are you okay?
-My daughter is in the fight of her life,
and she doesn't want my help.
Couldn't be better.
-Hey, Ranger's on the TV!
-...when Russia revealed to the UN Assembly
that their war hero, the Soviet Slayer,
had been successfully reanimated from his time tunnel.
-American Ranger, I have hounded you through time itself.
Come out and face me, the Soviet Slayer.
-N-n-no one talks to the symbol of America like that.
-His heart is a sickle, his will a hammer.
Oh, and we give him hands of a bear. Bear hands.
-You're gonna kick his bear-handed ass, right, Ranger?
-What? Of course!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to use the restroom.
-Bear hands? [retching]
-[knock on door]
-Cooch: Ranger?
-[stuttering] Co... Uh, uh, c-come in.
-You okay?
-Of course. Why do you ask?
-Liplor said you looked pretty rattled
when that bear-handed Russian called you out.
I said you're just pumped to kick his ass.
-Oh, that? It's probably going to blow over.
I mean, I hope it doesn't.
Oh. [grunts]
No, I'd like to take a shot at that guy.
But you know how I am about keeping these boots polished.
-I told you he was okay.
-I mean, how could he even get over here,
what with the visas and all the air travel?
It'd be a logistical nightmare.
And... and Soviet Slayer?
The Soviet Union isn't even a thing anymore.
America won, and now this clown wants a rematch?
Sorry, pal.
The winner makes the rules,
so I'm just going to stay indoors...
-[doorbell dings]
-...eat delivery Italian pizzas,
and wait for this whole silly thing to blow over.
-[reporters clamoring] -American Ranger, are you going to defend America's honor?
-When's the big fight?
-Great. [laughs nervously]
They're as excited as I am.
-Black Saturn: And after I ran across town to tell The Groaner how I felt--
again, just to mess with him,
not because I really have feelings for him,
he throws his new girlfriend in my face.
What do you think he was trying to say,
and do you think he'll be here?
-Don't care and no plans to start.
-Yeah, cool. Follow my lead.
Hello? We need to get our mail quick.
My girlfriend... friends...
my car full of girlfriends is waiting.
-Oh, good. You brought Black Saturn.
-Hell, yes, he did! Cup check!
-Aah! -[laughing]
-What's he doing here?
-He's stalking The Groaner.
-What? No, I'm not.
I'm here to see, um, uh, Buster Nut.
Buster Nut, get down here, you old son of a bitch.
-Ugh, what's with all the yelling?
I was polishing the knob.
-If I had ears, they'd be bleeding.
-Yeah, because I'd be fucking 'em.
-[laughs] Yes, Buster Nut.
Please entertain your guest.
Robobot and I have mail to go over.
-Can I offer you a drink?
-Oh, sure.
-Then let me see if you have a cup!
-[screams, groans]
Yep, you get the tip.
-Hey, Saturn. What are you doing here?
-If you came to arrest us for murder, we confess.
We just killed that hike.
-You're working out now?
How long do you think that'll last?
-It's a lifestyle, so probably forever.
Oh, my God, Patty.
Show Saturn what happened on the hike.
You're gonna love this.
They call her Patty Mime for a reason.
Y-yeah. [laughs]
Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it.
[laughs]
Oh, here it comes, here it comes.
[laughing hysterically]
[guffawing]
-What? That's not your laugh.
-Well, you're probably used to my sympathy laugh.
Patty gets down in there and pulls out the deep guffaws.
-I'll go start the shower.
-Ooh! [laughs] -I'll be up soon.
-Looks like this relation's on its last legs.
If you ever need someone to talk to--
-That won't be necessary.
We're great making our own juice,
intermittent fasting.
I'm killing it at life, and Patty is a big part of that.
-You choose some mime over me,
just because I'm not killing it at life?
-Oh, God, can we please not do this?
-You think Patty knows
the first thing about killing it?
I'll show you killing it. [crying]
-Saturn, come on. Oh, he's crying.
-[overlapping chatter]
-You gonna talk to them or not?
-Rex, what should I do?
-[mutters]
-Thank you. Great advice.
Okay, I'm going out there.
Fellow citizens, I'm sure you came here today
hankering for a fight.
But as a symbol of America,
I have better things to do than--
-What do you say to the Soviet Slayer's claims
that Russia is superior to the United States?
-You watch your mouth!
If I had a bar of soap, you'd be blowing bubbles.
-He also said, "The American flag is ugly like a butt is ugly."
-That's it!
You tell that son of a bitch that I'm going to shut
that Russki mouth of his with these fists right here.
-USA! USA! -[cheering]
-What do we have here?
-[on the phone] Have you taken care of the visas and the permit?
Yes! You did a good job on deal.
Hmm? Eh, fine.
You are killing it with the making of this deal.
An American will organize the fight.
-The Slayer, is he ready?
-When he started training, that cow was alive.
-[grunting]
-Oh, Rex, good-good morning.
You're up early...
or never went to bed.
Anyway, turns out I grabbed some of Devizo's mail
by mistake yesterday.
Just gonna go drop it off.
I'm sure Lex is okay, Rex.
You just have to trust her.
-American Ranger, you look chipper.
-I think I've been working too hard.
Gonna take a vacation,
somewhere out of the way where no one can find me.
-What about your fight with the scary Russian bear man?
-That was all theater.
I'm not actually getting in the ring with a foreign agent.
I doubt the U.S. government would even let me fight.
-They weren't happy about it,
but I got it all sorted out by killing it.
Also, my dad owns Cableverse.
-What are we talking about? -Ah, ah.
In this business, show, don't tell.
-Announcer: One night only!
The Ranger versus the Slayer,
fight for a crowd of millions!
Cableverse and Black Ring Productions
bring you to the action in just one week.
We will find out which nation is better once and for all!
-Well?
-That's, uh, just, um, fantastic.
I'm so excited, I can't... I c-can't...
Excuse me.
[retches, coughs]
-Ranger?
-What am I going to do, Rex?
-This is about the Soviet Slayer?
[sighs] I'm... I'm sorry.
I've got other things on my mind.
-It was the end of the war, Berlin.
The Russians and Allies worked together
clearing the streets.
The Slayer and I fought not 100 yards from each other
against an army of proctolo-Nazis.
-I'm happy to say I've never heard about that.
-It got messy, nothing any of us were proud of.
Anyway, I watched the Slayer tear 10 inches of steel in half
with his bare hands.
I knew he wanted to face me,
that it would be up to me to prove to the world
that America was better than Russia.
Then I was offered the chance to enter a time tunnel
until America needed me again.
The thought that haunts me is this,
did I choose the tunnel,
or did I run from the Slayer?
And if I didn't, why do I want to run now?
-No.
-Wha-- what?
-No one is running anywhere, not again.
We're the League of Freedom, goddamn it.
We don't run off and hide when there's trouble.
We stick it out with each other.
You're fighting that mountain of a man, Ranger,
and we're going to help you do it.
-[exhaling]
[grunting]
-[grunting]
-Goddamn it, he's fast. -Ah! Stay away from me!
-[growling]
-[clucking]
-[both grunting]
-[laughs]
-[camera shutter clicks]
-Black Saturn: Welcome, young and old,
to the weigh-in of the century!
Ooh, a lean and mean 225.
You got that beat, Slayer?
Wow. 435 pounds?
-If you are scared, we can end this fight right now.
Just lick my boot.
-You-- you should watch that Russki tongue of yours.
-Are they gonna kiss?
-No, this is just something boxers do... for some reason.
-I can smell your fear.
It is same smell I've smelled
since landing in your country.
-America does not smell of fear.
It smells of roaming buffalo and bravery!
-Then, why do your eyes say you will lose?
-Get a translator for my eyes, dipshit.
They're saying, "Bring it on!"
-And after you lose, America will be loser, too.
-Audience: Oh!
-If I lose to a Russian bear man,
I'll climb back into that time tunnel myself,
and you can put me to sleep for another 50 years.
-[audience cheering]
-Well, I, too, will make this promise.
-[audience cheering]
-Did I just win an Emmy?
Let's make this official.
-Devizo: Thanks for swinging by, Robobot.
-If any more "mail" shows up, please let me know.
-Why don't you guys just fuck and get it over with?
-The sexual tension is thick.
-I am not trying to bed a robot.
-Well, why else do you two keep sneaking off into the basement?
-Yes!
I have been exploring my sexuality with a robot.
-Yeah, that's it.
-Now it seems like that's not it
and there's something else going on.
-It's none of your business what we are doing,
and if anyone asks again, I take their goddamn eyes.
-Okay, man. Jeez.
-Oh, Saturn, I was just--
-Groaner, get down here.
-That was easy. See ya.
-Ugh! I said "The Groaner."
-Could you make this quick?
We're taking Gallagher for a walk.
-A dog? Tell me she already had it.
-Nope. Got it together.
-Rescued it, he means.
-I'll make this quick. I've recently been killing it,
of course, for me, it's like breathing,
and I'm pretty much putting on
a multimillion-dollar sporting event,
and, oh, look, I've got one free VIP ticket.
-Oh, God, I hate sports, but Patty could--
-I'd love to. -Damn it!
-[Gallagher barking] -Both: Coming, Gallagher!
-Ouch.
-Brutal, dude.
-You two wanna make a buck?
-Liplor: Welcome, fight fans, to the main event,
any minute now, as we finish up our undercard.
-[audience cheering] -[grunting]
-I believe every time they land one of these punches,
that's a field goal.
-Hmm. That sounds right.
And when the field goals are tallied,
the loser will be drawn and quartered
with their entrails shared among the audience.
Okay, I'm being told I'm an idiot
and I should stop talking.
-That was probably a mistake.
-Saturn, is this necessary?
-Get out there!
-[bell dings] -[audience jeering]
-You stay on your feet.
Avoid his big swings.
Give it a few rounds,
and I'll tell you when to make your move.
You are not gonna let this guy put you back in a time tunnel.
-You beat the shit out of me.
-Had to make it look real for the bookies.
-All right, Ranger, it's time.
-I'm getting word that the boxers
are about to walk to the ring.
-I think it's where they come out of a box,
which is where the sport gets its name.
That's not it either? Well, that's dumb.
-[audience jeering]
-♪ You wanna mess with my country ♪
♪ 'Tis of thee and get crazy in the land of liberty? ♪
♪ You're gonna get jacked up and cut by me... ♪
-Cut the music. Stop the music.
-[song stops]
-Hello, fight fans.
Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you try,
it will never be enough for the person you love?
All of this is so goddamn impressive,
but without that one person here,
I might just cancel it all.
-[audience jeering]
-Groaner?
-Saturn.
-You came.
-I told you I was killing it, you piece of shit!
Suck it! Fight's on.
-[audience cheering]
-Okay, that's more like it.
-[dings]
-[gasps]
-So, do they plan this dance before the show?
-Oh, absolutely. They have to, right?
-[grunting]
-If your nukes are as slow as your arms,
America can sleep well tonight.
-[grunting]
-[dings] -[laughs]
-[audience booing]
-Don't you see what's happening, Rex?
America is the greatest country in the world.
I couldn't lose this fight
any more than a bird can forget how to fly!
-You know his weakness. Use it.
-[dings]
-Give up, Slayer. You can't win.
-John Wayne was a draft dodger.
-Come again.
-George Washington owned slaves.
-That is a rumor!
-Shirley Temple couldn't sing.
-What? -Or dance.
-[grinding teeth] You son of a bitch!
-[bones crack]
-[grunting]
-Oh!
-Ranger, move your feet.
-Looks like Ranger's gonna win this thing.
-Oh!
-[grunts] -[dings]
-[audience jeering] -Oh, God.
Oh. I don't think I can do it, Rex.
-You're a member of the League.
You don't run away, not like... not like Lex.
Oh, God. What have I done?
I'm pushing you because of Lex.
You don't have to do this.
-Yes, I do.
That thing took so much joy from me.
I missed seeing my wife grow old, baby-booming.
I was in suspended animation while that sailor was kissing
that nurse on V-Day.
-I heard that wasn't consensual.
-Then another example!
The point is, I went into that time tunnel
because of this bastard once already.
I'm not doing it again.
-[dings]
-[grunting]
-[screaming]
-[groaning]
-[audience cheering] -[bell dings]
-It is over.
-[grunts]
-Audience [chanting]: Ranger! Ranger! Ranger!
Ranger! Ranger...
-I'm not doing this.
-[audience gasps]
-I know what it's like in those time tunnels.
I can't condemn another man to that hell,
not even a dirty Soviet bitch.
-[in slow motion] Look out!
-[grunting]
I cannot do it either.
Those things, they are the real enemy.
-Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
-You fucking fuck life-stealing piece of shit!
-Goddamn machine! You go back to hell!
-[audience cheering] -Crowd's happy, Rex. We did it.
-Yeah. I just wish Lex was here to see it.
-Devizo: You're late.
-I'm sorry. I had to... You know what?
It would take too long to explain.
-Do you think Rex knows?
-No, and he never can.
-[dramatic music plays]
-[theme music playing]
-[monkey chatters] -Man: Stupid monkey.
-[paper tearing] -[monkey cry]
-[slap]