PHONE RINGS
Do you have the targets?
Yeah, don't worry, I'll find them.
Hang on, did you leave the door open?
No, I never leave the door open. Are you sure?
Fuck.
Your pool's freezing, proper cold. THEY SCREAM
I didn't have no swimming knickers.
So, it was todgers out, I'm afraid to say. My apologies.
Oh. Oh, my God, Mick. Bring it in, boy. That's it. Hello, boy.
I thought you was in the nick? They ain't built walls that could hold Big Mick, not yet.
Come on, bring it in, sweetheart. Oh.
Oh, thank God. She still smells amazing.
How are you... And what is this I see before me? You in the family way, my girl?
Yeah, it was a bit unexpected, weren't it?
But it's good news? It's Albert's? Yeah. We had sex at Christmas.
Oh. Yeah. 100% hit rate.
So, he still has a strong seed. Well, well, well.
Who is that? That's no-one.
It sounded like... No, it's not...
Definitely not Phil. Of all the people in
the world it could be, it isn't Phil.
Er, I've got lost in the moment here, mate.
What's my next thing I'm supposed to do, mate?
Well, you've completely fucked it up.
Just give me the line, I'll say it.
You're supposed to say. "If you like surprises,
"there's two for the price of one."
And then I walk out and say, "Well, well, well."
But the moment's gone now.
It is Phil from before. Oh, my God. Oh, my.
Yes, he is alive, he is alive. He isn't actually dead.
Come on. Phil. He is... he is still a human being.
Oh, I thought you were dead, mate.
Takes more than a professionally-trained assassin
to kill me, boy. I'm bullet-proof.
And also, he was wearing a bulletproof vest at the time,
which meant that bullets couldn't get inside his body.
Well. So, so happy to see you both here.
This is a lovely home, ain't it? Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Big. We like it, don't we? Yeah.
Yeah, me and Phil were saying. It's big, innit?
Yeah. How much was it?
Ooh, her department, isn't it? Oh, no, we got a really good deal.
Oh, no, it was still quite a lot.
Well, I know, but property's really cheap out here.
It was still quite a lot of money. A little goes a long way.
You guys can stay though, because what's ours is yours.
Oh. We've got a guest room. Guest rooms, actually.
We've got quite a few rooms, so take your pick.
No, there's a normal amount of rooms.
Stay as long as you want. No.
And tomorrow, you'll have your own suite at our hotel.
Hotel? What hotel? Oh, we own our own hotel, don't we?
Yeah. You've got a hotel? We've got a hotel, mhm. Yeah.
But, it's an investment, for all of us.
Yeah, it's an investment piece. Yeah.
Right, because me and Mick didn't agree to no investments.
I don't know nothing about hotels, apart from people stay in them.
You were in prison. Yeah.
And we only found out you was alive five minutes ago.
So, what was I supposed to do, hold a fucking seance?
So, you've been spending our fucking money, have you?
No, no, no. No, no. Not just us, no. Sidney's got his own bar as well.
Sidney's got a bar? Oh, beach bar, yeah. Shit bar.
It's not a shit bar, it's a bar on the beach. It's a shack.
He's really proud. He's got a lovely place, you'll love it.
Oh, talking of bars, shall we show them the bar?
We've got our own bar built into the house.
Have a little drink, won't you? I saw it when I came in.
Rustle us up a sandwich, Tash, there's a good girl.
We'll... catch up about this tomorrow.
We will catch up about this tomorrow.
Buenas tardes, amigos. Buenas tardes.
What's that, Snap?
So, Inspector, any joy with the Fantonis?
I think I might have found an address.
Not again, English.
That's Detective English.
I told you, it's none of my concern.
They are not breaking any laws here.
Oh, is that it?
Don't think I don't know what you're all about.
Yeah, all this turning a blind eye, all of you.
You're all creaming off
the top of the pie, ain't you? The dirty money.
Hey, hey, red face, calm down.
You look like you're going to explode.
What's that, a bit of Mickey Duff?
What did he say? Did he make a joke about me, eh?
You're the fucking joke, all of you.
Because you're meant to be here doing a job,
you're meant to be protecting people.
You've got a whole manor of wrong 'uns
running about on this patch. And let me tell you,
when it goes off, because it will fucking go off,
it'll go off like a big fucking powder keg. Boom.
You know, we like you, man, but I think that's enough.
Who do you think you are, the Wild fucking West?
Leave.
Bunch of absolute Tobys, the lot of them.
That's foreign police, guv, I told you.
You wanted to see me?
I assume you don't want any books?
Mick Neville is out.
I heard.
That doesn't anger you?
Enrage you?
What can you do?
They have our gold. I want revenge, I want what's mine.
We need to get out of here.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
Aristotle. Have you gone doughy?
IN BACKGROUND: Fucking shut up.
If we escape, we'll always be running.
I don't care. I want out.
So, Sidney and Andrew, you've got yourself a little bar.
Just Andrew. Yeah, yeah, it's all right.
It's not all that, to be honest. We'll have a beer together.
There's much better places. I want to get down there.
Have a beer and a laugh, Sid, mate.
Honestly, there's much better places to go.
I can go with you, we'll have... No, there's places.
Oi, oi, here he is. Hello, mate.
All right, Albert? Hello, boy.
Gorgeous, look at you. Good to see you. Oh, I could eat you up.
Oh, didn't forget you, mate. Great to see you, mate.
Well, I just wanted to take this moment just to say I'm
so happy for everyone to be back together again.
He's missed you. In all honesty, I've been a bit lonely out here.
He has, he has. He's been a fucking nightmare, actually.
Well, I've missed you, Albert, and your silly ways. Lovely toast.
Cheers. Lovely, mate. Lovely. Oh, Alby, the peppers.
Oh, God, yeah. Spanish beer?
You are going to love these. So, these are called Padron peppers.
They've become a bit of a speciality for Albert here.
They have, they have.
Couple of months in Spain, what have we become?
Basically Spanish. Yeah.
I'll try one of these, yeah. I like trying new things.
Sid? Not my thing at all, mate.
No? Sit down, Albert. You're going to wear yourself out in the sun.
Yeah. Oh, here, that's disgusting. That's yucky.
It's fine, just. Sorry, Albert, that's... No.
It ain't for me, mate. Disgusting little thing.
Told you. They taste like bogeys, mate.
Do you want to try? Don't like spicy food.
We thought this would happen, didn't we? Yeah.
We've actually got normal food. Cheese sandwich.
I don't want it. Mick? I'll have it, please. Yeah. Thank you.
We want half. Half of what? The sandwiches?
Half the cash.
Right, well. Phil, it's like I was saying the other night
the cash is tied up in the property now, so...
Tash is building a water park. Is she?
Um, yeah. Er, it's going to be an amazing investment for all of us.
Er, it's going to be worth... Millions.
In about ten years. Ten years?
We could be dead in ten years.
Life's short. And if anyone knows that, I do.
He's talking about when he thought he was dead.
Remember, when Sid left him behind? I didn't leave him behind.
Well, you did. He looked dead. In that time,
Philip actually got visited by an angel.
The angel said, didn't he, "Phil, you need to have a plan."
Plan? And the plan is...
Puff. Puff? Yeah.
That's the plan, puff?
First, you get the money, then you get the women.
No, first, you get the money, then you get the power,
then you get the women. What is that? Is that the Bible?
It's our new Bible. Scarface. Ah.
Hold on. If you boys are going to start messing around with puff,
then I need to say this right now you're not coming to
the bar with all that. There is a strict no-ganga policy at my bar.
Just because it's a reggae bar,
I don't want it overrun with ganga, OK?
Sidney's right. I've got us running proper legit out here.
We can't start pissing around with the goal,
because then we'll be looking over our shoulders again.
That's what shoulders are for. We want to do our own thing.
I mean, it's only fair that we share it out, isn't it?
It's theirs as well. What? No, Alby, we've talked about this.
What? No, we can't touch the gold.
We can't touch it, because then we'll get nicked.
Yeah, I know, but we're not going to out here now?
So, you know, let's just be fair and split it and all be happy.
I'm trying to make everyone happy,
but maybe we should discuss this later? OK.
We're a team, we've always been. Yeah, exactly. So, I don't understand why...
It's perfect timing. They've got... Not in front of everybody. We shouldn't be talking.
If they're getting their cut of the gold, I want my cut.
I also want half of the gold too.
It's not half. If there's half going, I want half of it.
Half is two.
If there's more than two, then we...
It's whatever the amount of percentage,
divided by however many people there are.
There we go. It's only fair.
No-one's touching the gold. Stop getting involved, Albert.
Hand out your fucking peppers.
Say cheese.
Oi, oi. Mickey's back.
Yeah, mate. Had a piss, mate. A piss and a line of boof.
Mick and Phil's arrival, let's say, rocked the boat a bit,
slightly spoilt the equilibrium we'd created out in Spain.
Easy. I was talking, you mug.
What am I talking like? It was a total fucking shit show.
Oi, look at this lad. Have a seat, take the weight off.
There, look at that.
Talk about the elephant in your pants.
Making me hungry, looking at that thing.
The water park plans were taking shape,
but it felt like they could ruin it all,
bringing this unwanted attention from the wrong eyes.
The thing about being
an international criminal of celebrity nature is,
everyone wants a little piece of you.
I start getting letters from all round the world.
A lot of big stars are writing to me.
Ronnie Kray, Sammy Fox, her with the big lils out the paper.
Who has the best handwriting in the world?
Nigel Mansell. The best penmanship I've seen within my life.
All in my little bum purse. It's all in my memoirs.
All the... all the letters will be in there. Here he is.
This is the other one I was telling you about, Phil.
All right? He's the other gold robber with me.
We're the main two gold robbers.
Dangerous piece of work. Don't fucking give him lip,
good-looking mate, he'll knock you out.
All right, keep it down.
This fella here, on his own, breaks me out of prison.
Oh, stop it, don't.
But let's just say, stingers on the road, sawn-off shotgun.
Albert, he's out here. He runs this gaff, got the restaurant.
We own this now, we've got here.
And we've got Sidney's beach bar.
You wouldn't know him as Sidney,
calls himself Andrew now, because he's wanted, mate.
Career criminals. That's what we are now, I guess. Now you know us.
I've fought all kinds of things, soldiers, travellers.
Knocked out a cow when I was 14, mate. Ate it after an' all.
Boys, can I have a minute? Not my girlfriend, It's my cousin Albert's bird.
Oi, oi. Ha-hey. Wahey. You all right, girl?
You are looking radiant. Any chance you could run inside,
grab us some big beers?
I've spoken to Carlos. Who the fuck's Carlos?
He's got a villa for you, high up in the mountains.
Beautiful view, lovely pool, discreet. How does that sound?
Trying to get rid of us?
No. I just... I didn't think you'd want to be here
with all the families and the old people and the,
you know, rubbish magic show.
You have a magic show?
It's, you know, a rabbit in a hat and a,
you know, woman getting cut in half.
Actually cut in half?
No, no, Mick. It's a, it's a kids show.
I don't think they're actually going to butcher a lady.
I'd like to get to chat with this half-lady, if that's all right?
I just thought, premium spot up in the mountains.
Lovely. You'll be so happy up there, won't you?
Lovely. You want a line of boof?
I'm pregnant, Mick. All right, fine. I don't know.
Thanks, boys.
She's got something up her, ain't she?
Mick and Phil, what a pair of piss-takers.
I'm trying to run a legitimate business here.
We're... What? We're trying to run a legitimate business.
All right, Albert, it's just a turn of phrase.
Yeah, all right, fine. Well... Well, we can just talk to them tonight then.
Ah, no, I've got Spanish lessons tonight.
So, I'll have to do it tomorrow.
No, you won't have to do anything.
I can do things as well, Tash, OK.
I'm... I'm capable. I'm a, I'm a capable man,
that's capable of doing things on my own, OK? Right.
No, he can't keep coming in here. You need to tell him to leave.
Yeah, I know, but I tried to do that,
and then this happened. So, let's just, you know,
I think this all can just play out naturally and, and... Fine.
No, Tash, where you going? Don't embarrass me. Please, Tash.
Tash... Tash.
Oh, here she is. Ma Baker. Albert looks like a panda.
Hmm... don't make this awkward.
It's already awkward, Tash.
Stop bullying Albert.
We're trying to run an honest business here.
Honest? That's rich, coming out of your mouth.
I sit where I want.
See those two over there?
Ola. They're police officers, they're on my payroll.
So, I suggest you leave now,
before I make this really fucking awkward.
You've grown some bollocks, ain't ya? Mm.
There's nothing I hate worse than bent Old Bill. Get out the way.
Don't think you can hide behind her apron strings forever,
Fantoni, do you hear me? You're a plum.
Get your hands off me.
That's a bit muggy, mate, getting your wife to turf him out.
Shameful, really, Albert. Very shameful.
Andrew! How are you? All right, boys.
Fuck sake.
Go on, son. Hello, mate, you all right?
Oi, oi. Ronnie Gatlin, mate. It's Ronnie Gatlin.
That's Ronnie Gatlin, that's Ronnie. You're definitely... OK.
Be cool, be cool. I am cool.
Britain's most wanted, eh? Guilty as charged, mate.
Technically, we both are. Phil Pocket.
Let's get you two boys a drink.
Get these boys a drink over here, please.
Well, you've come to the right place, lads.
We're invisible here. Welcome to fucking nowhere.
I like that, mate. I like that, mate.
This is something else, this gaff. It's nice, yeah.
Liking it a lot, mate.
So, big man, how you getting on with your newfound fame?
The best, mate. I'm actually writing my memoirs.
Thinking about getting my Equity card, mate.
Going into the acting game, like, you know?
Fucking hell, it's like having a cock up my arse.
I wish. Tell me about it.
So, Ron, we want to get into drug smuggling, heavy duty amounts.
Run a bit of puff, Ron, mate.
Puff is yesterday's news, lads.
There's other commodities you can be getting involved with.
Cocaine. Cocaine? We love the boof, mate.
On a social, we have a little... love a little.
We now like to call it is yayo. Why are we calling it "yayo?"
No, that's what it is in Spanish.
Nose candy, marching powder, jibber-jabber,
monkey chuff, spanner juice. Call it what you want.
Do you know what I call it? What?
The future.
This is all sounding very Scarface. I am loving this.
Yeah.
Oh, he's leaning in. Mick, lean in.
The DEA are cracking down on any shipments that are coming across
the border, from Colombia into Mexico.
That means that Spain is going to be the gateway to
the lion's share of the world's cocaine. Nice.
We're in Spain, aren't we? We are.
Yes, we are. Um, what are you doing hanging around?
Um, yeah. No, I was just. I was just cleaning up.
Er, boys, if you are
going to have these clandestine drug chats,
could you just keep it down a little bit?
All right, Mother Hubbard.
It's a lighter. Just a bit of fun, isn't it?
Did your mum buy you that for Christmas, son?
No, I got it from a man on the beach. He sells watches as well.
Now, the difference between hash and cocaine?
Cocaine, you make your money over, ten times. Nice.
And the thing about the Colombian cartels in Medellin,
the thing they love more than anything else in the world, gold.
Right.
Now, if I just knew a couple of chaps who had
a mountain of gold,
who were looking to get into the drugs game.
You do, Ron. Us, mate.
That's who we are, mate. We have gold. Yeah.
We want to get into the drugs game.
You've just described us. That's why we're meeting you.
Without knowing it. Yeah.
That's amazing. Yeah. Everything you wanted is here.
So, what I'm thinking if we trade the gold for cocaine,
then we can make ten times as much in cash.
That is fucking genius. I know.
He's got you, ain't he? I mean, you know what.
I thought you was clever, but he's clever, ain't he?
You know what, it just comes to me. Oi, oi.
Couple of the old cheeky tequilas for the lads.
What happened to your eyes? Tash catch you wanking again?
No, no, no, no. Good one, Ron. Good one, Ron.
No, I... In all honesty, I haven't actually wanked recently.
Erm, there's been a few issues with the locks on
the bathroom doors, let's put it that way.
Albert, if you could just give us a minute?
We're just in the middle of a deal. Big criminal deal going on, mate.
Quite a criminal thing, so. Not for straight-goers.
Straight-goers, yeah?
I'm as bent as they come, mate, all right?
I've had enough of this. I want to know everything.
What's this about, the puff? Yeah, they've already run it by me.
Cocaine.
Cocaine? There's actual.
Right, OK, that's interesting. Um...
We're going to meet the Colombian cartel.
Oh, are we? OK. Oh, fucking hell, that's.
Cool. Um, yeah, that's an interesting angle.
Has anyone thought about maybe starting on puff and see how we go?
Might be a good... Albert, Albert, my baby boy.
No-one here would judge you if you were to turn your tail
and sprint down that street,
because you're scared that Tash will tell you off
for getting involved in a big drug deal.
Scared, scared? I'm not scared of my own wife,
I'll have you know, and I'm... Yes, I'm in, OK? I'm in.
I want to meet their top man. Mm, and so do I.
Pablo Escobar, is that top man enough for you?
Um... That's. Yeah, is...
What's he like? Nice geezer, like? One of your own?
He's the most terrifying man I've ever met in my fucking life.
We ain't touched them since we got here.
We don't tell Tash about this, all right? This is our thing.
Oh, yes.
Perfect.
OK, and that is all for tonight. Goodnight, buenas noches.
ALL: Buenas noches.
Hey, do you want to go for a drink?
I mean, I'm not really, technically, supposed to be drinking,
but I can have a couple. Don't tell the taxman.
Oh, I've got my other half picking me up. Oh.
He'll be a moaning prick if he's travelled for nothing, but another time.
Yes, I need girl time. I mean, I've got the twins,
but they're nine. So. You should come and see the villa.
Yeah. I'd love to have a look around.
We've got her.
Good work, Thread.
♪ I've got a chip on my shoulder with your name on it
♪ Knock it off
♪ So don't just stand there fooling if you don't want it
♪ Knock it off
♪ Baby, make your move, step across the line
♪ Touch me one more time, come on, dare me
♪ I wanna take you on, I know I can't lose... ♪
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