Living a life of crime is like a sandcastle,
you can build it as high you want,
but the tide could take it away at any point.
You never knew when, living in constant fear.
Not knowing if the people around you were pals or new enemies.
Who's working for who?
Who is lying to who? Who's a friend? Who's a foe?
And who's the sleeping enemy you didn't even know about?
Vamos.
OK. Lovely palm trees.
Yeah, have you got, like, a sprinkling system or...
Looks like it's just rainfall, mate.
Do you get much rain here? In England, lots of rain-o.
Um, I'm going to have to ask them if,
if, if I can call Tash, just because
I always let her know when I arrive safe and sound,
she'd think something's up if I didn't call.
You're going to ask Pablo Escobar if you can call your missus?
That's fucking muggy, mate.
What do you think he'll say if I ask for a bit of food, maybe? Some snacks?
How can you be hungry now? Yeah, stop talking about food.
We're about to do the biggest deal of our life.
I'm starving. I mean, we've had a 22 hour flight.
We've had a three hour drive here. I've not had a morsel, mate.
I'm, I'm... I feel lightheaded.
Caballeros.
Les present Pablo Escobar.
Ola. Hi. Er, Phil Pocket, El Capitan.
Hello, Pablo. El Micko.
I, King Plumstead. You, King Columbia.
But, I'm still the leader. He is leader.
Stop, stop. Um, hello. Sorry, Mr Pablo, sir.
Um, I am Albert Fantoni.
Um, nice to meet you and a very well tended to garden.
Um, really impressed with that.
Um, any chance I could use your phone, telephone, by any chance?
I... I need to, talk to my associates.
Vamos. Yeah? OK, thank you.
Albert, see if you can find any snacks. Some toast or something.
Sit down. I just wanted to say I like the Uzis and
pagers that all of your men have.
Did you buy from Rumbelows or maybe an independent retailer?
Pablo, I get picture? Me and you?
I need photos of the people/characters I meet.
So, I'll stand with you, get a picture.
Sit down. That's the whole reel.
The whole reel. All of my photos, all of my good work.
I don't... I don't think he speaks English.
Where is the gold? Oh, he does speak English.
Get the gold. I'm getting it. He's got the gold.
You want, like, gold? How's that for gold, mate?
OK, this is the... The gold.
Queen's finest gold. We have lots.
This high, as tall as Mick... Mick, stand up.
Yeah. This high. High as me, of gold.
Shiny gold for Pablo. Good gold? You like gold?
Do you want us to come with gold?
He's like a little magpie, the way he's taken it.
I can't believe that vicious little bitch broke my camera.
Are you going to stay there? Yeah, OK.
It's... Ah, OK. Um...
So, eight slides in total?
Well, seven, plus the corkscrew and the lazy river.
Do you swim? Have you got trunks?
Sorry, I'm imagining,
I'm imagining the trunks that I'd probably wear.
Speedos. Because European men, they often wear a Speedo.
PHONE RINGS You know, the little, small ones. Do you have those?
Please pick up the phone.
It'll just be Albert. I'll be a minute.
Natasha Fantoni.
Hi, Tash. Er, it's just Albert here.
That's just the golf Jeeps
you might hear them in the background, the golf buggies.
Um, and I'm just checking in, like I always do.
Just... just letting you know that the golf's going well,
because, you know, I'm really, really enjoying it.
And... And the grass, I've got to tell you, it's really, really...
Do you need me for something or are you just... Oh, no. No, no.
Just... just letting you know that I've checked in.
Er, go have fun with your mates. Just get a hole-in-one or something.
Er, I love you. Yeah, bye.
Buenas tardes. What are you doing here? This is... it's fully legit.
You can't get me for anything out here.
My name's Andrew now.
Well, I'll have a nice whisky, on the house, of course, Andrew.
Tash says you haven't got any authority out here.
So, I don't have to do anything you say.
Oh, but you will. You see,
I know the fella that you're in part-ownership with in this bar.
Goes by the name of Ronnie Gatlin.
Whisky, yeah? Thank you, Andrew.
Yeah, it would be shame, wouldn't it,
if Ronnie was to find out that you was a cat's arse now,
wouldn't it, Sidney?
He would kill me, you know that.
The last fella that Ronnie got wind of went by
the name of Frankie Cobbs.
Ronnie breaks into his flat one night,
sits down and waits for him.
Frankie comes home and Ronnie puts a gun to his head,
tells him to take down his strides.
Then he pulls out a Karambit knife.
You ever seen one of them before, Sidney?
Yes.
Yeah, it's got a claw on it, like a... like a tiger.
And he asked Frankie to stand up, bend over. Oh, fuck.
Then he proceeds to cut all
the tendons on the back of his knee.
Oh, to be fair that's...
Not as bad as what I was imagining, because I was...
Poor sod, couldn't stand up straight.
Had to spend the rest of his life sat down.
Yeah, that is a pain.
Hm? Look, what do you want? What... what is all this?
Let's stop all the dancing around and the long-winded stories.
I want you to wear a wire, Sidney.
A wire?
Well, is there another option?
You're all out of options.
You work for me now, do you understand? Heh.
Evening. All right? All right. All right, mate?
That's... Oh, hello. All right, girls?
All right. Hello, all right? All right? All right, mate?
There's quite a lot of people. Heh.
Get a little drink or something. Anything, I wouldn't mind.
All right, lads? Ah, hello.
Pablo would like to see you. Oh, perfect, we're ready.
Solo. Ah, no. Um, we always, go together.
Just you. Er... Did he say just you?
Yeah, no, because I... You two, go with him.
OK. Vamos, vamos. All right, all right. Vamos. All right.
HE MUTTERS UNDER BREATH
Oh, my fucking world. You're kidding me?
Oh, mate. A fucking boof room, mate.
This is a. Well, call it yayo. Don't be disrespectful.
We love this, mate. We love yayo.
Look at this, all this boof. I suppose it's like raining profit.
Look at that, a boof tractor. Wow.
Is that a boof tractor? You all right, lads?
Yes. This is it, mate.
Oh. OK, boys? Nice, yeah. Love this.
May I have a pinkie dip?
Little pinkie dip for Mick.
Good, yeah? Oh, straight away, I feel that in my left eye.
I'm going to get proper involved, yeah? Better than the pub grub.
Pub grub? We call shit boff pub grub, shit boff. That's good boff.
Woah, woah, woah.
You all right, you all right? You all right?
Yeah, I'm all right. Are you? Yeah, I'm all right. You OK?
Yeah. Yeah. Here, he likes that, mate.
Good? Good boff.
It's very strong. You all right, yeah?
Fucking hell, no, mate. No, no, no,
that's gone straight through me, mate.
You need a shit? My arsehole's going for a walk.
Um, Gustav.
Er, how do I say? Er, my arsehole,
gone for a walk. I need poo-poo.
Poo-poo? Cocaine in nose, through, boom. You have toilet?
Toilet? I need toilet. Toilet, toilet. Vamos.
Oh, fucking thank Christ. It's hard out here, mate.
Mate, I'm fucking in bits here, mate.
I can use a bush, mate, if I have to. Just...
I like you. Oh, I like you too.
Oh, OK. Yeah.
You look like me.
Oh, thank you very much. That's... it's a compliment.
You're a... you're a very handsome man. So, I should be so lucky.
How many doubles? Doubles?
When I know there will be an attempt on my life,
I send them to die for me.
Oh... right.
How much gold bullion do you have?
Ooft. Loads, if I'm honest. Just lots of bars.
Er, hard to weigh them. Er, what's,
is it the metric system you use out here, or...
A kilo of product for us is 5,000. Right.
We are moving in fifties at 225.
We can move to 100, at 45, minus transportation costs.
Ah, yeah, that's a lot of, a lot of numbers.
I'd have to get that verified.
Why should I trust you?
Um, why should, um,
oh, I haven't really thought of that.
Um, no reason to. No, no, reason not to, I mean.
Hm.
Salud.
Salud. Salud.
There you go, babe. This is nice, innit?
Best restaurant in Spain, lovely ambience.
Well, it's better than the two Puddings in Stratford on
a Saturday night.
I used to love the Two Puddings. Full of wrong 'uns, though.
Sounds about right, that's where I met my husband.
Hang on, who's your husband? I probably know him.
Billy. Billy who?
Grapes.
Billy Grapes? I bet I'd know him, if I saw him.
No, you wouldn't. No, you'd... you definitely wouldn't,
because he just... he looks so different now.
Really? Yeah. Because he's had his whole face sort of,
reconstructed in America.
Because of his line of work. What's his line of work?
Well, I don't want you thinking any less of me, of us, you know?
Oh, there's no saints out here.
How else would shit-kickers like us be living this life?
Do you miss it, home?
I miss my old man. We were really close.
Oh, you're lucky. Mine's a prick,
treated parenting like a hobby, and my mum weren't much better.
Well, I guess you've got your brother, though.
I haven't got a brother.
I... I thought you said you did. Nah.
I did have a brother, but he's dead now.
Fuck, I'm... well... I'm sorry about that.
I need a piss. Yeah, all right.
Fuck.
We're underwater for about five minutes in
the Pacific Ocean, holding my breath the whole time.
I'm just having a little, gentle bob about,
quite enjoying myself, letting the salt soak into my skin.
And then I see it, a big cunt of a shark coming towards me,
eyes black with death.
Can I sit there? I can't really hear Pablo.
Pablo ain't saying nothing,
he's just listening to the story about the shark.
Just chill out, mate.
You look like you're eating an invisible sandwich.
Just hold it, hold it down. Just, just relax, while the...
Another drink? Oh, yes, please. Mm, thank you.
You want to go with her? Me? Oh, no.
No, you should go with her, have some fun,
and then me and Pablo can have fun.
I'm... I'm not going to go with her.
I mean, not that I wouldn't like to, of course, you've...
Beautiful dress and very sexy.
What's the problem? Oh, no, there's no problem.
I'm married, you see? That's right, yeah.
You don't like my gift?
Gift? What game are you playing?
Um, I'm... I'm not playing a game.
Good. LAUGHTER
That was good.
HE SPEAKS SPANISH
Er, what? Oh, you want me to go with you now?
Go. Are you sure don't want to maybe finish your shift
and see how you feel? Go. OK. Right, OK, then.
Enjoy it, Albert, mate. Enjoy the show.
So funny, so funny he said that.
Oh, are you having a good night, Pabs? Pablo, sorry.
THEY SPEAK SPANISH
Pablo would love to watch you get punched in the stomach.
What's he saying? Was it watch you get punched?
Er, yeah, Pablo would like
to see me get punched in the stomach. Oh, yes? OK.
Vamos. Yeah.
THEY SPEAK SPANISH
Do you want me? Does anyone want me to do anything?
Is there any rules to the punching in
the stomach game that I should know about, or is that?
Muy bien, muy bien. Do you want to punch me?
That's a nice punch.
So, right.
You can punch me in the face if you want?
What's the fucking point?
Thank you. Gracia.
Phil?
This is the men's. Why are you following me?
You're following me. Who are you? Are you Old Bill?
No, no, I'm nobody.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. What do you want, nobody?
That's illegal.
Why have you been taking pictures of me? "David Nelson, reporter."
OK, I'm covering a story.
A story? What story?
Everyone's going to know what you did.
It's very calm out there tonight, eh?
Oh, yeah, she's calm. Lovely, moon tonight.
I wonder if any bodies are buried out there?
Probably loads. I mean, you've got...
scuba divers whose air's run out...
swimmers caught in the riptide...
submarine captains.
Skinny-dippers, you get them round here sometimes, not tonight, sadly.
There was a bloke looking for you the other day. I don't know anyone.
Specs, curly hair, ginger.
Scruffy.
It's not ringing any bells.
OK.
Oh, my god.
Mm-mm. No, you can't do that. I cannot do this.
I'm married, I'm married. I have a wife.
Everyone I fuck has a wife.
OK, well, this is not morally right, is it?
Well, that just seems morally wrong.
I need to do my job.
Wait, what? You're a prostitute?
You thought that I like you?
Yeah, I thought. Because of what you said before.
I am the bait, like everyone is dancing to Pablo's tune.
I'm going to fuck you now.
Oh, God, no. No, no, no, no, no.
I really respect what you do,
and your craft and your trade,
and it's up to you what you do to everybody, but I...
Maybe we can just pretend.
And we have no sex? Ah, si, si. Er, we pretend.
I pay you, and we say we had sex, but you don't have sex.
This is easier for me. Perfect. OK, then.
Oh, fucking hell. Not that I wouldn't want to.
What's the damage, anyway? I've never really,
it's hard to put a price on such a...
But also, it's more of an acting job, isn't it?
Oh. Heh, there you go, I had the exact amount.
It was meant to be. Shake on it? Lovely.
Phil... Phil, mate. Phil, wait up. What are you doing?
Going home. You can't go home, mate.
Neither of us can drive a blooming plane, can we?
Phil, stop. Stop, mate.
What's going on, mate? What's happening there?
Does anyone respect me, Mick?
This is the boof talking, mate.
You've taken too much boof,
and now you're acting like a silly billy.
Yeah, but when I was fake dead, like...
everyone just went back to normal, like...
like I didn't exist.
I missed you every day, every day you weren't here.
But it's not you. It's, like, Tash and Albert...
Clive, the police, Ronnie, and now Pablo.
It's like I'm invisible. This isn't the way to deal with it, is it?
You've got to go back in there
and make a fair account of yourself, son. Yeah.
You've got to go back in there and say.
"I'm here to do a deal, mate." You've got make a noise.
You've got to let them know you're there,
even if it means he shoots you in the face, mate. Yeah.
Wait, do you think he'll shoot me in the face?
I would sooner take
the chances of both of us being shot in the face,
than being eaten alive by elephants out here in this banana forest.
Do you know, I'm the fucking Captain?
I'm sorry, who are you?
El Capitan. I love you, Phil, mate. Love you too, mate.
Let's go fucking do a drug deal. Let's go fuck Pablo Escobar.
I'm the fucking Captain, that's what I am.
You are the Captain, mate. Captain it up. Fucking El Capitan.
I'm scared here of the dark, Phil, Phil, wait, mate. That's what I am. Sorry, mate.
Oh, OK definitely. See you in a bit.
Oh, God. Oh, wow.
Absolutely Grade A top shelf sex stuff right there.
Anyone got a cigarette? No problem. Mm.
Oh, all the buttons are undone, because of the sex we just had.
So, you enjoy yourself? Oh, God, yeah. Are you not married?
Yeah, but you said that didn't matter.
So, you're not a loyal man?
No, no, I'm loyal. But you just fuck another woman.
Yeah, because. I'm so confused. You...
OK, look. I'll tell you the truth, OK?
Er, we went in there, and then I came up with a plan and said,
"Let's not. Er, I'll pay you to say we had sex,"
but we actually didn't have sex. You didn't have sex? No.
So, you are a fucking liar.
Oh, my god. You forced me into lying.
I don't know what you want me to say. What's the right answer?
I test your loyalty. You fail.
OK, I'm really sorry. Pablo Escobar.
Sorry, that was quite loud.
You all right, Albert, mate? Everything OK?
Well, not really. They're having a go at me, now he hates me.
You have all wasted my time.
I'm so sorry. I'm fucking sorry, I didn't mean to.
We came here to do a deal.
We have 3,000 bars of gold,
each bar is worth ¤5,000.
Now, to my estimation,
a kilo of cocaine is also worth ¤5,000.
So, we do a straight swap, coke for gold.
That's a ¤15,000,000 business conversation.
Are you in, or are you out?
Amigo. Oh, you had me. Phil Pocket, mate.
Phil Pocket, El Capitan. Sit down, sit down. Yes.
Oh, my God. I'm... I'm so sorry. Fuck off.
Great time, mate.
It's strange, when I think back.
I never remember, at that time, being worried.
I think I was happy,
happier than I'd been for a long time.
Great to see you. You all right?
But things were unravelling.
Like our bad luck, the curse, had been unleashed again somehow.
Like an evil genie coming from a bottle.
But instead of three wishes, he'd bring pain,
suffering, destruction.
His tentacles slowly pulling down our dream.
When will it be published? Monday.
Good, good, good.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media