It was one of the hottest days of the summer when The Sun burnt us.
We hadn't realised
but that reporter had been following us for a while.
Snapping pictures, watching our every move.
They named and shamed us, all of us.
They might as well have printed a target
and stuck it right on our backs.
And through all of this,
that was the first time I felt true fear.
The first time I really knew in my bones.
We are completely fucked.
♪ You're out of touch, I'm out of time
♪ But I'm out of my head when you're not around
♪ You're out of touch, I'm out of time (time)
♪ But I'm out of my head when you're not around
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... ♪
Hiya, you all right? Nice to see ya.
Quite random, of all, of all places, middle of nowhere.
You're not gonna kill me, are ya?
KNOCKING ON WINDOW
MAN SPEAKS SPANISH Jesus.
Si, por favore.
I don't think we can over estimate how bad this is, Natasha.
Oh, that, yeah, honestly, no-one reads The Sun back home,
we've actually got a phrase for it,
tomorrow's fish and chip paper, do you know that one? Mm.
They don't say it in Germany? The Mayor has been in contact.
The Mayor? And how is he? Is he... is he well?
The deal for the waterpark is off.
What? No.
Well, he made arrangements
with you when you were anonymous but this attention,
it doesn't work for him.
Fuck... Fuck. Um, there, there must be a way we can,
you know, sweeten the deal.
He could seize the restaurant, the hotel...
it could cost up to a million.
We don't have a million. Are you sure, Natasha?
Well, we weren't gonna monetise that.
You need to fix this, I vouched for you.
Tschuss. Oh.
Gasolina, give me the peseta.
Fucking liberty.
Ola, David, infamous big Mick Neville,
but you know that, don't ya? Ha.
Thanks for meeting me as such short notice.
Yeah, of course, er, I wasn't sure how you'd take the piece.
Well, I loved it,
couple of little fibs in there mind, a few pork pies.
No. Nothing we can't hash out with a little chat.
You got your Dictaphone?
Er, oh, of course, yeah, like a exclusive?
Straight from the handsome horse's mouth. Come on.
Oh. A bit of music, you like music there, Davey mate?
Mick loves his pop. David loves his pop too.
Right, so you know what's, what's going on here mate,
it ain't a jolly mate, you're being kidnapped.
It didn't feel like a kidnapping earlier, we were having a laugh.
That's half the thing with a kidnapping mate,
lull someone into a perfect sense of security and joy and then boom.
Do we have to, mate? Can you make like a suitcase, mate,
get yourself in the boot. Boot?
You can't do a kidnapping riding up front, mate,
it's off putting, come on, Dave, mate, get in the boot,
that's what happens in the kidnapping.
You there, get in the boot, mate.
Come on mate, play fair here.
Very David Nelson that, mate.
I wanna have a laugh an all mate,
but this is a kidnapping mate,
I don't need you making it more awkward than it has to be.
The kidnapping has officially started now.
There's some peanuts there mate, all right? If you get hungry. Oh, Mick.
No, no, I don't, I don't know anything, I don't know anything.
No, no, shh, shh, shh, it's fine babe,
there's no need to cry.
We've got this, it's really not that bad, OK?
Oh, it's so sweet of you
to say that Alby but of course it fucking is.
Yeah, you're right, sorry I was lying,
it's really bad, we're completely fucked.
The Mayor's gonna take all
the property unless we bribe him a million in cash.
Jesus crumble.
Where are we gonna get a million in cash?
I wasn't gonna tell you this till we ironed this out but. Tell me what?
You know when I said that I went on holiday golfing to Portugal,
I was actually, er, in the jungle, er, making arrangements
with the cartel. The cartel?
The Columbian cartel because basically I was, er,
I was... I was trading some of our gold for cocaine.
Yeah, I know but one kilo of cocaine is actually worth 50 grand in,
in the street value so it's worth more than the gold
and it's all been handled,
in great hands, by this guy called Pablo so... Pablo?
Er, Pablo Escobar,
a really great drug dealer so that's... is that OK?
Are you... are you OK? I love you.
Oh, god. I'm sorry.
Albert. Yep.
Of all the things you have ever done in your fucking life... Yep?
This is one of the sexiest. What? Ever.
Sexiest? I thought you were gonna...
beat me up. No.
Oh, my god, Albert. Let's fuck.
Er, oh, OK, wow, yeah, definitely.
Before we do, er, I've got one more thing to tell you.
Yeah? Yeah. There's more?
So do you remember that Pablo Escobar geezer
I was telling you about. Yeah?
For some weird reason he wanted me to have sex
with this, er, Columbian prostitute,
we ended up going to the back room together
and one thing led to another
and, er, I ended up paying her to say that we've had sex
but we didn't have sex so and nothing happened, so that is.
Right.
You... you do believe me, don't ya?
Of course I believe you. Sounds exactly like you.
Oh, brilliant, OK well where were we then?
Sort of, er, ruined the moment for me.
Well, I can... I can bring the moment back,
I'm surrounded by ten really strong cartel members,
some of them had machine guns as well which was pretty bad
and I could've died for you, you like that?
The moment's gone, Al. OK. Oh.
Right, cassette tape recording, 11:00 hours,
just doing the washing up as I normally do,
nothing illegal to report
and, er, well I hope you get what you want mate.
I hope you're happy.
KNOCKING AT DOOR Oh, a knock at the door,
it's probably, probably the postman. Ola.
I'm gonna fucking kill someone.
Oh, it's obviously just a thing that people say for a joke.
Have you seen the paper? Er, now's not a good time, boys.
I'm barely fucking mentioned in it, they don't even use my real name,
they refer to me as a holidaymaker, what do I look like,
Judith fucking' Chalmers?
I'm Pablo Escobar's number two that's what I am.
Again, it could be an expression.
About to do the biggest cocaine deal of our lives.
Wa-ha. What, what are you doing here though?
The press are all over us so it's the best place to hide. Mm.
We're expecting a call from Pablo.
I don't know anything about any of that.
Oh, that's a good point actually,
we should update him because it's your gold too. It's not.
What? It is. No, I mean it's not gonna work is what I'm trying to say.
The phone, not in here.
What? Why... why wouldn't it work?
Because of the ceiling,
you're better off in an expansive space away from here,
away from me, well away from here is what I mean.
Sidney, you've wasted enough of my time,
come on, Albert, let's go somewhere else. Yeah, better off somewhere else.
Sorry about that, boys.
Oh, god. Oh, great bunch of guys,
just, er, messing about
and saying random stuff that means absolutely nothing at all.
I hope you're doing some thinking in there, mate.
What? I said you have some thinking to do, mate.
Mick, I can't hear you if you bang and talk at the same time.
What? If you bang and talk at the same time I can't hear
what you're saying. Well, what I was saying, mate,
is you've got some thinking to do, right.
You stop following us mate,
you stop taking photos, you stop writing about us,
if I see you around, I'll kill you, you got that mate? You got it mate?
Yeah, I've got pictures, I've got pictures,
loads of 'em, but there's other pictures, incriminating ones,
ones the press would love to get their hands on.
If you take, Mick, if you take me back there now,
I'll hand them all over to you, yeah?
All of them, I promise I'll never take another one.
Right, OK. So, that's a deal then.
Yeah, yeah. Good lad. All right.
Let's go back to your apartment then.
Is it over now? What? The kidnapping, is it all done?
Yeah, I mean probably 20 minutes, half hour,
this is my first kidnapping, if it's any longer my apologies.
All right, appreciate that Mick. Wait, wait, Mick. What?
Can I just... can I just get a bit of water?
No, no water, mate, but I've got some more of those peanuts what you like.
Oh, man, my mouth's still dry from the last ones. Mick.
KNOCKING ON DOOR Oh, for god's sake.
Boys, I can't have people just coming in
and, you all right Ron?
Do you want, do you want me, do you want to come in?
Come in, come in if you want.
Yeah, bloody press.
How's things?
Yeah, good, yeah great actually, yeah,
the bar's doing really well, we've got some new crisps,
Salt 'n' Shake they're called, you get these plain crisps
but then inside the pack is a little sachet of salt
and you can add as, as,
as little or as much salt as you want to the crisps for flavour.
What's that?
What? That fucking wire sticking out of your pocket.
That's, oh, that's just a bit of old gardening wire,
I like to carry round a length of wire with me just
so that I, in case I wanna do some gardening or.
I hate doing this.
I'm not even fucking dressed for it, I'm getting too old
for this game, I tell ya.
Er, for what game?
Cutting your tongue out and sticking it up your fucking arsehole.
Sorry about that, turns out it is possible,
I've been wanting to do that, ah,
you do have to tuck your legs on the way down
because you will bump yourself on the bottom.
You've gotta watch your leg positioning. Don't make me chase you, son.
Oh, god. Argh.
Hey, you little fucker.
Get here, you fucking grass. Come here, I just wanna talk to ya.
Come here, you big lanky prick.
Fuck it.
Hiya. Shit, are we going out? You look like we're going out.
Sorry, did I... did I get the day wrong?
No, probably not, I dunno, I just feel like I'm,
I'm having a mental breakdown. Come in.
You all right?
Oh, my god, I'm so sorry about all the mess.
It's immaculate, babe.
Theresa? You've been dusting that piano for hours,
honestly can you do the kitchen? It looks awful.
Si, si.
That's Theresa, she's an angel, I love her honestly,
she's more than a cleaner, she's a nanny,
she's a gardener, some nights I think she's my only friend
but now I've got you. Oh, my god, I'm such a mess today.
Did you see the paper this morning? I did, yeah.
Oh, the whole thing's been such a nightmare, do you need a drink?
Yeah. I'll get us some drinks.
That is a lovely little lampshade that.
Oh, thanks, yeah, it's antique.
So here, here we go, cheers. There you go.
Oh, cheers babe.
So, you're in the gold robbery business then?
Oh, I wouldn't say that. Oh, go on, you can tell me.
I've got my own little stories, you know?
Oh, yeah? I've got my own skeletons in the closet, I mean we all do.
Go on. Oh, no. You see my skeletons, they ain't front page news.
Well, yeah.
So, what happened? Were you there or what?
No, I weren't actually there. Who was there?
Other people. So, it's actually all true?
If I tell ya I'm gonna have to tell you everything,
go back right to the beginning.
Well, I've got all day.
Huh, here we go.
I had this idea. And I went to the boys... BANGING
One second, I'll be right back.
Ah, bollocks.
What happened to you?
I need to come in Nat-Nat, it's not safe for me out here.
What? Fuck, it's that Sidney.
What are you talking about? I am completely fucked.
What's happened? Well, it, the thing is...
Ava? Where's she gone?
Where's who gone? That's so weird, Ava. What are you talking about?
Where are you going? My friend Ava was just here.
What are you talking about, Ava? Ava?
You're not listening to me Nat-Nat, Ronnie Gatlin's trying
to kill me. Are you listening to me? That's so weird.
Stop pottering around. I'm beside myself here.
Sorry, Sidney, well what's going on?
Saunders came in, said he's gonna tell every crim on the coast
that I'm a grass, made me wear a wire, then Ronnie turns up,
he knows about it somehow, so he tries to stab me,
says he's gonna cut off my tongue and shove it up my arsehole.
Up your arsehole? It's a graphic image.
I really think he's gonna kill me Nat-Nat,
I think he's gonna kill me.
I can't get a new identity
because he's the one who got me this one in the first place.
That is quite bad. Oh, it's bad, isn't it? I knew it was bad. Argh.
Argh. No mate, I'm sorry I didn't mean that.
You're right though. He's gonna kill me Nat-Nat.
Breathe. In and out, breathe. Sidney, come here, come on, listen to me, listen to me now.
I'm gonna get you out of this somehow.
Dave, mate. Ah, ah, ah, ah.
I can't breathe in here, I can't breathe in here.
Give us your keys.
This is why you keep your keys and your valuables in a pocket mate,
not in an handbag, that's why women are always losing shit. Please, please.
Oh, yeah.
Beautiful.
It's too hot. Why are you wearing a suit?
Because I'm in business mode, I like to dress for
the occasion when I'm talking to Pablo Escobar.
All right, well, let's just find some shade please.
Well, no we can't,
because there'll be something above us and it'll block the phone.
PHONE RINGS Oh, hold on.
Pabs, it's the captain.
So, er, how's the weather where you are?
It's fucking roasting here mate.
I will outline the plan. OK.
He's gonna outline the plan. OK, OK.
You will pack the gold into suitcases in the dead of night,
you will load the suitcases onto a van.
Suitcases, dead of night, van, nice touch. OK.
We could use the Golden Palms Tourist Bus.
Not the tourist bus, not the... that's our hotel's.
OK, Albert says apparently we can't use the tourist bus.
Don't fucking... don't say I said it.
You will drive to the port where Mr Gatlin will have a boat waiting.
Boats, love boats. What boat? What boat?
Instead of the bus? I haven't got a boat.
You will meet the Colombians at the sea to make the trade.
In the middle of the sea to make the trade, cool, yeah.
Not at sea, not at sea. One minute.
I'll fax a map and the co-ordinates.
OK, adios Pablo. Wait, let me speak.
Good to talk. Let me speak to him. Te amo to the family, all right?
Idiotas.
I made us a couple of bo-ca-dillos.
Dave?
David?
Oh, Jesus Christ, it stinks.
I think he's definitely dead, right, Albert?
Yeah, I'd say so.
Look at his sad little eyes, all vulnerable yet adorable,
like a little rabbit cub.
Right, let's get him buried so we can get back for dinner.
Fucking hell Albert, that's some gangster shit, sort of shit I'd say.
Goodbye, old friend.
Evening.
So, where's your brother? I'm not his keeper.
Then I come in peace.
So, you've invited me for a wee after hours drink, have ya?
Well, it's not all pleasure,
I've got some business to discuss with you.
You're looking to trade?
Get your wee baby a new daddy?
It is about its old daddy now you mention him. Drink?
Well, what's the wee fanny been up to now?
Well, he's been doing a deal with some of the gold.
And I know you know about it.
It's not down to me to divulge.
You have a very confusing moral compass.
Mhm. But I like it.
Now see there is something I need to tell you Natasha,
that yous have got a mole in your midst
and it's that brother of yours.
He's wearing a wire, I saw it myself.
Well, it doesn't surprise me.
Then you know what I'll have to do then.
Rules of the game.
Got ya. Yes. That's poison, you just drank poison,
you're fucking dead mate. Why is he not dying, Nat-Nat?
Sidney, you dumb fuck, it doesn't kick in straight away.
What? Why didn't we discuss this before?
We should've discussed this before, definitely.
It takes a while to get in the bloodstream. Oh, Jesus.
You fucking rat, come here.
Fuck.
Tash... Tash, get him off me, this is freaking me out.
I really can't believe I just did that.
How'd it go with that journalist?
Oh, yeah, that's, er, it's all sorted now, how was your night anyway?
Oh, yeah just went to Sid's, had a few, good to catch up.
Yeah, it's always good to catch up.
The funny thing is,
the more lies we told each other seemed like
the closer we became,
bound in bad luck, destined to fall apart.
But the curse had truly taken hold.
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