MUSIC: Souvenir by Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark
Young lady,
may I have this dance?
Daddy, we can't dance in the middle of a shop. Why not?
MUSIC CONTINUES
We're just testing this record player.
Do you have one of these?
No. Hm.
Do we have any marmalade?
I don't know, did you find a job to earn money to buy some?
Tom, let's go.
Let's go.
I don't have time to drop you off today.
Bye, Grandpa.
Bye. Bye, Grandpa.
Have a wonderful day.
Do you need money for the bus? I could scrape some together.
Broken, broken, broken.
Morning, legal guardian.
Don't you have your exam today?
Aren't you going to call the police?
No, it's probably just some crackheads just looking for cash
or jewellery or whatever. Pretty thorough these crackhead,
even checked for jewellery in the back of the TV, as you do.
PHONE BUZZES
Hi. Just calling to wish you luck.
How are you feeling?
I feel like shit,
like there's a million things to think about at once.
Well, when you get in there and you can feel your heart rate spiking,
use that adrenaline.
Yeah. You'll be fine.
Thanks. That's OK.
Good luck. And you just call me any time you want.
Bye.
Phone privileges are suspended.
I'm not a child, this is my phone.
Not until you stop lying to us.
Or go out on secret midnight plumbing jobs.
You're not even VAT registered.
SHE EXHALES
You all set?
Text me after.
Yo, Esme. Where you going?
Why do you care?
Why are you being like that? Why ain't you been around lately?
You told me to go away.
No. You bugging out or somethin'?
Chill and talk for a minute.
No, I've got to get to this exam. You can be five minutes late.
You can't, actually. It's one of the rules.
Show and talk for a minute.
You OK for money?
Why are you being nice to me?
Just wanna talk.
I miss you being around.
You're full of shit.
For real.
Everyone loves you.
Don't you have fun when you chill with us?
Yeah.
Don't you feel safe?
Yeah.
All right.
So come on.
Come back to my crib.
Why? Just chill.
Have a chat, smoke.
We can watch a Blue Planet on my 68-inch.
It's like being in the actual sea.
Hmm?
No, I got get to this exam.
Er, Mum, you shouldn't even be snooping around in there.
Because it's my bedroom.
My name is on the door.
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly. Not come in.
No. They are not anal beads.
They are called nunchuks and they're Japanese fighting sticks.
Yeah. How do you even know about anal beads anyway?
Uh! Mum, I don't want to know that Trevor bought you anal beads.
Diane, my office now.
You know what, Mum?
I'm hanging up.
Sir. Diane, this is Detective Sergeant Haines of the
Bristol and Avon Constabulary.
Honour to meet you, ma'am.
There's no need to curtsy. She's not Camilla Parker Bowles.
This is DS Selforth. Diane, a drug gang from London, now operating
in Bristol, has been robbed by an armed, masked man.
That man has been tracked by CCTV to the building
that your offenders are renovating.
The building's a CCTV black spot, but a witness said she saw a masked
man entering the building with a sports bag and then leaving some
time later without the sports bag.
Without the sports bag. Yeah, well, we've got to find the bag.
Do we know what's in the bag? Could be money, drugs,
even weapons. Aka gangster shit.
Yeah, I feel you. I would appreciate if you gave us access to the site.
You've come to the right person
because I'm planning on becoming a police officer myself.
OK, calm down, Bruce Willis.
They need you to open the door, not lead a SWAT team.
Shall we? Yeah, sure.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Thank you, sir.
Kiss?
Has he got a girlfriend? Yeah.
Why didn't you tell me? You're supposed to be my spy on the inside.
Kiss?
Thank you, bye.
Margaret.
Oh, hi. Cathy, Marcus's mum.
How are you? Good, thanks.
I don't know whether you've heard, but I'm organising the school fete
this year and we're doing a car boot.
I don't suppose you'd want to do a stall. It's only a fiver.
That's actually what my car is worth.
Also, I hope you don't mind me asking.
Just you're the only person I know who's mates
with the rich and famous.
Any chance you could ask Lady Gabriella to open the fete?
What? See if she'll judge our root vegetable competition.
You've lost me. Oh, come on. My Marcus, he was there.
I've seen the pictures. What pictures?
Lady Gabby, at the party, at your house.
I don't know that woman.
Oh, go on, it's not a big ask.
She just has to give first prize to a turnip shaped like a big, fat ass.
RADIO PLAYS
CUTLERY CLATTERS
PHONE BUZZES
Rani, I can't remember what we talked about.
My head is buzzing here, I feel like I'm going to faint.
Oh, God. Can you call me back, please?
Shit.
TOY SQUEAKS
CLATTERING
RAGGED BREATHING
Traffic wasn't too bad, was it?
Fine, Diane.
Let's just get the code in here.
Only I know the code, ma'am, don't worry.
I reset it daily just to make sure.
Oh, no, hold on.
RADIO: Reports of an altercation at 16 Gratterson Street.
HE PANTS
Here we are.
Oh, yes, please, using the wrong code.
Come on, Ma'am.
And you, officers.
Here's the communal area.
RATTLING
So when I apply to be a police officer like yourself, what sort
of thing would they be looking for?
Well, you need a decent level of fitness. Check.
I mean, I've been a member of Crunch since New Year.
Pretty sure I could bench you, Sergeant. No offence.
Head down area, oops. Bit of a tight squeeze.
Do you think you work well in a team?
I mean, if I'm honest, people will probably describe me
as a maverick who gets results,
but also punctual with one heck of a tush.
Would you feel comfortable managing a large team? Yeah, no problem.
I regularly supervise up to seven people.
Well, leadership skills are essential.
Oh, I'm a born leader. The offenders are always saying
I'm like a little Hitler.
Not because they think I share Hitler's views.
Just, you know, his natural authority.
And, you know, just his ability to get shit done.
Would you be willing to work very long hours?
Never see your friends or family?
Yes, please. I'm quite happy not to see my family,
especially since my mum moved a new bloke in, Trevor.
I was in the kitchen the other day, having breakfast.
He came in, in his robe, and it fell open.
I was eyeballed with everything. Should I have to look at 70-year-old
cock and balls with a mouthful of Coco Pops?
No, you should not. No. Exactly.
Thank you, ma'am. I mean, talk about turning the milk chocolaty.
I almost turned it vomity.
SHE LAUGHS
Police aren't always popular.
Do you think you can handle being ridiculed?
Laughed at? Oh, yeah.
I've always been laughed at.
You shit yourself one time
climbing the rope in gym class and you're no longer
Diane Pemberley, you know?
You're Squiddles.
So any more for any more?
You need diligence, a keen eye for detail. Check.
And you have to be able to follow orders.
Yeah, I mean, ask anyone, following orders
is what I'm most famous for.
That and my great tush.
Well, you should be a shoo-in for the force,
assuming you pass the background checks.
Background checks? Yeah, they just need to check
you don't have a shady past. Nothing to hide.
Let's start wrapping things up.
There's nothing here.
Wrap it up in there.
Anything down there?
HE SIGHS
Anything else I can assist you with, Sergeant?
I'd just ask you to keep your eye out
for anything suspicious or out of the ordinary.
What kind of thing? People hanging around the site and walking
back and forth a lot. Casing the joint. I feel you.
Ma'am, if I do decide to apply to be in the force,
will you put a good word in?
I'm not allowed to do that.
Have you thought about becoming a community support officer?
They're just glorified traffic wardens, aren't they?
No, they're not.
And it will help with your application when you do
apply to the police.
Really? This is my card.
Anything catches your eye, however small. Call me any time.
Don't worry, Ma'am, I've got eyes in the back of my head.
Turn over your papers, please.
Time starts now.
SHE EXHALES DEEPLY
CLOCK TICKS
TICKING GETS LOUDER
HE SLAPS SOFA
Do you know what I do?
I know.
Do you? Cos thinking you're about that life and being about that life
ain't one and the same, as...
..this ain't a game. This is some serious shit.
I know it ain't, but I want to make some bank.
I want to earn some respect like you, and I don't want people
telling me no more what I should and shouldn't do.
All right, Squiddles?
Oh, grow up, Dave. Why did he call you Squiddles?
Because he's a prat. Back to work.
5%? 5%?
That's barely enough to buy a coffee round.
You're thinking of 5p.
Can we just discuss this later,
OK?
Guys, guys, just gather.
So I'm thinking about donating some of the profits
from my festival to good causes.
So if you have any ideas, just let me know. But I definitely
want to support animals and people who are LGBTQIA+.
Also my Wi-Fi password.
The Bristol Justice Collective needs £1,000 to campaign against people
appropriating black culture.
Does cultural appropriation go both ways? Yeah.
If you see a black guy on the beach wearing stocks with sandals,
feel free to get upset.
When are you two going to see it? See what?
This constant arguing and bickering.
You're in love. Ha! You're delusional.
Yeah, you are. No. Yes. That's a ridiculous, erm, idea.
Yes. No. You are.
You're just two angry peas in a pod.
Right.
So I'm going to need my share of the money in my account today.
Yeah, me too.
You can't. What? I knew it.
You thieving bastard. Where is it?
What have you done with it, Frank? Keep your wigs on, your money's safe
and sound, but you can't walk into NatWest with a suitcase
full of cash.
Looks a tad suspicious.
Well, I can't pay my employees from a bag full of £50 notes
because that looks a tad suspicious. Which is why you need to launder it.
Oh, we need... OK, Scarface, we're laundering money now, are we?
Not we. You.
I'm keeping mine in cash.
Well, how are we supposed to launder money? Not my concern.
It's absolutely your concern, mate.
Because I'll tell you right now, if I go down, I'm taking
you with me.
And you.
Wow.
What you need is a crooked lawyer.
Ow.
Can I speak to you, please?
Thanks for calling my sister. No, no, no, it's fine.
The police came to my house last night.
What? There's CCTV of the robbery,
and my dad's van's on there. Have they connected us? No, not yet.
My dad said that that he was the one driving the van.
So what did you say to your dad?
That I was at a friend's house. Does he believe you?
No. It just makes me so upset that my own parents think
I'm lying about this.
But you are lying about this.
Yeah, but they don't know that.
I don't trust either of you as far as I could throw you,
why would I trust a bent lawyer?
You can't say bent lawyer.
It's homosexual lawyer. Bent - as in corrupt.
Oh, right. Come off your high horse for five minutes, can you,
while we launder our stolen money?
Guys, please, a bent lawyer is exactly who you can trust.
It's the honest ones you have to worry about.
But why would he help us?
Because he won't have a choice.
OMINOUS MUSIC
Diane, there's something high up I can't reach.
Can I borrow Greg?
I'll allow it.
How can the big man help?
Can we ask you a hypothetical legal question?
OK. Imagine a lovely, sweet
old lady finds a large bag of cash.
What's her name? Beryl. And where did Beryl find this money?
She found it at the bottom of the garden.
Sounds unlikely.
Yeah, well, Beryl's a lucky old cow. What are you going to do?
Beryl is not a wealthy woman, and this money could help
her out of all kinds of financial jams.
So she comes to you, her lawyer, she said, Greg, I need to wash
this cash pronto and I need a paper trail that makes it look legit.
Beryl sounds a bit shifty.
No, she's a sweetheart. You'd like her.
What would you do? I'd say, "Thanks for coming in, Beryl.
"Always a pleasure to see you, but I can't help you with this,
"obviously, because you're talking about money laundering,
"which is a major crime, and we'd both go to jail."
To which Beryl says, "Yeah, right, absolutely."
But theoretically, what would you do?
Well, theoretically, Beryl,
we'd need to funnel it through some kind of shell company.
Well, how would you do that?
HE SIGHS
Um, well, I'd use an existing client's account at my law firm -
like Lady Gabby's.
How does that work?
I'd have Julie in the accounts department pay the money into Lady
Gabby's account and then have Julie issue a cheque.
Greg, I knew, you're the man to turn to.
I want you to do that for me. As I said, Beryl,
I can't because it's money laundering.
Greg, do you remember when you told us about how you forged signatures
on legal documents?
That you covered the chaos that's full of evidence
of your total incompetence and professional negligence?
You want me to call your boss right now?
Tell them all about that.
Is this still Beryl talking?
No.
Are you, Beryl?
Yeah.
Beryl? Yeah.
What do you think?
Say yes.
MUSIC IN BACKGROUND
Do you know what this is?
Power. As long as people know you'll use that, no-one
will mess with you.
MUSIC CONTINUES
You like that feeling?
CLICKING
Now it's cocked.
RAGGED BREATHING
Now you aim, pull the trigger.
Breathe in and pull the trigger.
SHE INHALES
CLICK!
BANG! SHE GASPS
My bad.
Never meant to make you shook.
But you've got to be prepared cos the tingling's often loud.
Do you want to go on my chocolate fountain? What?
I bought chocolate fountain.
It's to share, come on.
DOOR BANGS
Your mother and I want to talk with you.
You remember the ultimatum I gave you when you were arrested?
You said that if I stole, cheated or lied to you again,
that I would be dead to you.
Well, that is where we are now. What?
We no longer trust you.
You will not tell us the truth.
So we want you to move out, find your own place.
Are you joking?
Did you agree to this?
What about Oxford?
You'll not be going to Oxford.
You don't seem to place any real value on it anyway.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Get a job.
Mum? You asked us to stop treating you like a child,
so this is what it is like to be an adult.
I took the van.
To help a boy from community service.
He's a really good person.
But he was forced to steal from some drug dealers to help his sister.
I took the van to save, or help,
I don't know, something, but that, that's what happened.
I have one question.
Mm-hm.
ARE YOU MENTAL?
You want me to take you seriously, but you still act like a child?
You can't just say, "Oh, I'm sorry about that," and as soon as the sun
goes down, do the same thing again.
Pretty soon, the word sorry doesn't mean much.
You're right, but I am sorry, Margie, truly.
Why are you having a go at him?
He threw the party for me. He's the one person in this house
who's actually trying to help me in life.
I try and help you. That is literally all I do.
He knows that.
Am I speaking to you? Sorry.
You, you have the floor.
I don't need your permission to speak.
Go to your room.
Me? Yes.
Oh.
Keep going till I hear the door shut.
DOOR BANGS
Mum, he's changed. A leopard can't change its spots.
Yeah, but people can. Yeah, well, your grandfather can't.
Being selfish and a liar is in his nature.
Do you remember the parable about the scorpion and the frog?
Your grandfather is a scorpion.
Right. Well, a minute ago he was a leopard.
So which is it?
Every time he breaks my heart, that is what he does.
He makes you love him, and then when you drop your guard down,
he rips your heart out.
I will not let him do that to you.
I'm going to go now.
Better all be here.
What do you take me for? A liar and a thief.
You sound like my daughter.
Hey, you've been married a while, right?
You'll understand women. What?
Say you upset your wife and it's your fault.
How do you win her back?
Give her things. Like what?
Like flowers, perfume.
You know, scratchcards. That works?
Or take her on a little trip, you know.
Wife gets stuck with the kids quite a lot, so sometimes it's nice to
give her a little holiday. Holiday? Yeah.
Hiya.
Oh, blimey.
Right, so I suppose we...
"Thanks then, Greg, we appreciate you risking your career for a total stranger."
"Oh, no problem, John." "We should get a pint when this all blows over, Greg."
"Oh, that sounds lovely, John, yeah."
Hey, Greggels, guess what? I did a survey around the office.
And you're number one.
Number one what? Person most likely to die in one
of those wanking and choking accidents.
HE CHOKES
Oh, yeah, it's going dark, but I quite like it.
Oh, me glasses are steaming up.
Oh, I can't see my reflection.
Come on, you're almost there, Greggy.
You're almost there.
What do you know about those Twilight movies?
The Twilight films? I know
the only thing more out of date are your condoms.
Are they about vampires or something? Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, they're films for teenage girls
who fantasise about having sex with a dead bloke.
So you'll probably love them.
Hiya, Julie. Hello, Greg.
All right?
So I was watching TV last night and Twilight came on. Oh!
Yeah, and I thought, "Yes, please, I'll have a bit of this."
I never knew you were into the Twilight Saga.
Oh, how can you not be? Incredible, incredible films.
Anyway, I was wondering if you could... All right.
Big question. Team Edward or Team Jacob?
In what sense?
In the only sense.
What was the question again? Team Edward or Team Jacob?
Team Jacob. Oh!
Yes! Because why would you choose a vampire over a werewolf?
No idea. Absolutely no idea.
Everyone's always like, "It's got to be Team Edward."
And I'm like, "Excuse me, do you not remember at the beginning
"of New Moon, where Edward just abandons Bella?"
How can we forget that, the little shit? And who was there for her?
Well, you know.
Jacob!
What a guy. It does help that he's got a body to die for. Preaching
to the choir here, sister.
I said to my husband, I said,
"If Taylor Lautner comes to Bristol and he wants me to lick sweat
"off his abs, I'm doing it."
That's disg.... That's nice of you.
Just, you know, welcoming. Come to Bristol...
You off to the gym yourself? Only if you let the sweat off me abs after.
No, it's a giant bag of cash.
Oh, ha-ha.
No, it is, it really is.
Why have you got a big bag of cash? Well, my client,
Lady Gabriella Penrose, she handed it to me.
And she said, "Oh, Greg, would you pay this into my client account
"before close of business today and then issue cheques to the two
"names on this piece of paper, please?"
Shall we do that for her?
Why's she got a big bag of cash?
Well, I'll tell you what.
Let me tell you why.
She has a lot of public appearances in nightclubs
or opening supermarkets, fetes, that sort of thing, and she always
demands to be paid in cash.
Is there anyone weirder than the aristocracy?
Not that I can think of.
OK, so shall we get down to the bank then and pay this in and get
them cheques issued? Oh, yeah, no problem. OK, great.
I just need you to get THIS signed by the compliance officer.
I thought you were the compliance officer.
Oh, God, no, not any more. Thankless task.
Only reason to be a compliance officer is if you want to be there
when shit hits the fan or you want to suck up to your boss.
So who's compliance officer now?
Yes. OK. Six o'clock.
Perfect. Oh, for fuck's...
All right. Thanks.
Team Jacob.
Hey, Margie, what you up there for?
Money.
Money? The school's having a car boot sale, I thought I might try
and flog some crap.
Why do you need money?
Well, I use it to pay for goods and services, Frank.
I don't know if you've noticed, but there are four people eating
in this house and only one person bringing in any money.
Let me help you. Oh, sod off.
Really, I insist.
Might let you win one or two, you never know.
Mind you, look at that flag.
Oi, oi, saveloys.
Thought you were usually in Torquay at this time of year, Graham?
I will be in a week when they finish repainting my yacht.
Yacht?! No, seriously.
I've bought a yacht, 60-footer.
Yachts are a money pit.
If it floats or flies, rent it. Don't buy it.
Not worried.
You know why?
Asia. Asia?
A lot of motorbikes in Asia, John.
They all need brake pads.
I don't follow.
Look, you don't want to do business with our eastern friends.
I get it.
Me, I'll share a spring roll with anyone.
Bye-bye, la.
Yeah, no, that's... I can explain. What happened?
The, the Chinese wanted so many strings attached.
Long term, they would, they were just, they were going to screw us.
Then, you negotiate.
You can't negotiate with the Chinese.
They don't know if they're communist or capitalist, it's like dealing
with the Labour Party.
Jesus! It took me 40 years to build this business.
You banjax us after six months.
I haven't banjaxed anything, OK?
I've found a new investor.
Ahem. Who?
Just a businessman looking to diversify his portfolio.
Well, why am I only hearing this now?
When am I going to meet him?
Why do you want to meet him?
Because it's my company. It's OUR company.
When am I going to meet him?
I'll set up a meeting.
Oh, look, your old records.
You always loved your music.
We should play more music.
Look at all these.
Debbie Gibson.
Kajagoogoo. Milli Vanilli.
All the greats.
Let's play them.
Where's your record player?
Really?
What?
You don't even remember, do you?
What?
Never mind.
Rani, come here!
Sit down.
Your father and I have been talking and we are very relieved
that you have told us the truth.
We have decided that...
..you can stay.
On one condition.
No more trouble.
No more visits from the police.
And you have nothing further to do with this boy.
You must not speak with him or contact him in any way.
And if he talks to you again, then you just ignore him.
If you prove to us that you can do that...
..you can stay.
Thank you.
A bit of intel for you.
Have you noticed the new paralegal's been checking you out all day?
Seriously. Yeah. She's been giving you all the signals,
I'm surprised you haven't picked up on it.
I've been balls deep in work, time to get balls deep into something else.
The new paralegal. No, I've got it, yeah.
BRB.
Brilliant.
In what possible universe did I believe you could read women?
She told me to stick my fat head up my big arse.
If she goes to HR, I'm taking you down with me, mate.
My bad, sorry.
One compliance form, signed, sealed, delivered.
I know what you are.
What?
Vampire!
Remember, Bella-Edward in the forest? Yeah, no, I love all that
shit, yeah, I'm just conscious that the banks are closing soon.
So should we?
Oh, right, I'll just, erm...
Come on, let's go. Chop, chop. Let's go. Let's go.
OK.
All right.
Chill out.
MUSIC AND CHAT
Hey, wow. All right?
Nice place. Yo!
This is Godiva chocolate direct from Belgium.
85% cocoa.
Get a marshmallow, get involved.
How's your brother doing?
He's mastering how to be a total dickhead.
Yeah, why you say that?
Because he suddenly decided he wants us
to leave Bristol.
And go where?
I don't know, anywhere.
You have to wait to roll that up?
I mean, he says he's come into some money,
but it's probably just bullshit.
HE SNIGGERS
OMINOUS MUSIC
You had me bugging out, man, why weren't you answering your phone?
What have you been doing all night?
Minding my own business.
You should try it. Es.
Please.
We need to talk.
There's something you need to know about the break-in,
it weren't crackheads.
It was the Brookfield crew.
What are you on about? They were looking for something that I took.
What? Money?
You stole money from him. But how stupid are you?
We have leave tonight, all right? Just get out of Bristol. And go where? Anywhere!
I don't know. London. Oh, yeah. Let's go London to get away from gangs.
Just give them back the money. The money is gone, Es.
On what?
Cos it ain't the cleaning lady.
Look, it's not spent, it's stolen. All right, I hid it at CS.
Just in case Brookfield came back here looking for it.
One of the other offenders must have taken it.
I'll figure out who it is. Get it back.
But then we have to go.
First, you take me away from Mum.
Now you want to take me away from my friends.
Fuck you. No, this will be good for us, Es.
There's enough money to get us out of this dump.
We could find a nice place somewhere.
Once you pass your exams, we'll get you into a uni.
Why can't you get this into your thick skull?
I don't want to go to uni.
I don't want to live with you in your fairy tale house,
with you or teachers or social workers or fucking Rani getting into my business.
I just want to live my own life how I want to live it.
Esme!
Hello. Hello, how may I help?
Lovely. I'm interested in foreign travel.
Somewhere hot, relaxing.
Where do you have mind?
How far does that get you?
Ooooh!
Well, I tell you where I love, Lanzarote.
It's a volcanic island.
The whole place is black.
My husband and I love it so much we've gone 16 years in a row.
The national dish is potatoes mojo,
or mojo potatoes, as they like to call it.
We absolutely love it.
You can cook it on a hot volcano like on the rocks there...
Oh!
VOICE FADES/MUSIC PLAYS
I distinctly remember telling you I was going fishing with Roy.
You didn't tell me you were going for two months to Portugal!
I didn't know myself until yesterday.
This is madness.
We're on the bloody breadline and you're going fishing with your mate.
What do you want me to do? Cancel it.
I can't. I can't do that to Roy.
You saw how happy he was about this.
It is the trip of a lifetime.
Are you even hearing yourself?
VOICES FADE/MUSIC PLAYS LOUDER
Dad?
Where are you taking that?
I'm just borrowing it.
To listen to some tunes on my trip.
They'll remind me of you.
Is that OK?
You've taken the TV, the radio, and now you're pawning
your own daughter's record player. What is wrong with you?
If you go, we won't be here when you get back.
Fuck you, Frank.
There we go.
Thank you. Pleasure.
My brother says it was you that broke into our flat.
Your brother thieved from me.
Why didn't you tell me?
Wasn't sure I could trust you. Well, you can.
How can I know that for real?
I'll get your money back for you.
Yeah? Yeah.
You got to let me stay here with you.
I got parents and siblings. Ain't no room for you.
Then rent a flat for me. That's the deal.
A'ight. I'll get my boy soldier to rig you up.
CHATTER
Yeah, it should look good on.
The festival is on your father's country estate, so what about a name
which evokes the English country garden, you know, like Country Fest?
Sounds like Cunty Fest.
Sunset Gardens. Sounds like a high-end hospice.
Greensleeves? Toddler with a cold.
No, it needs to be more rock and roll. How about rural carnage?
No, I'm just picturing some kids caught in a threshing machine.
What about something like Woodstock?
You know, like some posh stock, livestock, beef stock, fish stock, lock stock?
What's the USP of this festival?
OK, I want it to be inclusive, you know, uniting
people, exchanging ideas.
So, oh, the sharing festival.
No, we'll only attract swingers.
We never get the lube off the croquet lawn.
OK. Meditation camp, mindfulness camp.
Contemplation Camp. Concentration camp!
I don't think so. No?
You know, naming things is really hard.
Really makes me think twice about having a baby or a jewellery line.
So we, we will need to pitch the idea to Daddy.
Your father hasn't given permission?
No, he doesn't know anything about it yet.
So you haven't told your father about the festival?
You know, I wanted to choose the right time.
You don't think the right time was before we spent two days doing paperwork?
Yeah. All right, Greg. Don't get pissed off with me.
You don't know my dad. He's, he's, he's a sweetheart.
But we do just need to pick our moment.
Pick our moment? We've already picked the latrines.
All right, Greg, I'll sort it.
Jesus! I'll sort it.
Hey.
Remember that bag that I had had that night?
Look, I had it here and it's gone, have you seen it?
Are we good?
Yeah, I'm just trying to get on with my work.
I've called Daddy's secretary and made an appointment to see him.
You have to make an appointment to see your dad?
G, this is serious.
We're not ready. For what? You don't know my father, OK?
He is, Daddy... ..he's the best.
But in the past, I have gone to him with some bad business ideas. Such
as? Flavoured gin, fluorescent ice cubes, so you can find
your flavoured gin in the dark.
Virtual fox hunting for posh people with a conscience.
I don't want Daddy to see this as another one
of those, you know, I want...
I want him to see how serious I am about the festival.
You know, I want him to be... I want him to be proud of me.
He will be. We can't even think of a name yet.
You four-eyed fucknut!
Sorry, just got really stressed there for a minute,
just lashed out.
No, I noticed, yeah, it escalated pretty quick.
Tell you what. Don't worry.
Why don't we meet up later and we can come up with a name,
a whole presentation?
OK, thank you.
I'm sorry.
Calling you four-eyed fucknut.
I've been called worse. Such as?
Wank sock with glasses.
Haunted pencil. Gollum's ugly brother. Albino ET on stilts.
Paedo Harry Potter.
Look, don't listen to them.
You look nothing like Harry Potter.
RAP PLAYS IN BACKGROUND
MUTED CONVERSATION
..basically, how are we going to do this?
Take it, take it.
You know what I'm saying, because he's gonna...
Is he gonna hurt my brother?
What the fuck are you doing?
Is he going to hurt my brother?
He's going to find a place for you to crash.
Why does he need a knife for that?
Give me the gun.
Where are you going to do? Is he going to hurt my brother?
Put the gun down, you little bitch.
Is he going to hurt my brother?
Oi, you little bitch.
Ain't saying it again.
Put the fucking gun down. Call me bitch
one more time and I'll fucking shoot.
HE GROANS
SHE PANTS
Just come and make me.
Psst.
Myrna.
Dillard.
Do you have our cheques?
Is Beryl happy now. Yeah. Yeah.
No, no, Beryl's got a new problem.
I fucking hate Beryl.
My father wants to meet my new investor. What new investor?
The one I made up to account for this huge, unexplained cash injection into our business.
Why not just tell him you won it on the horses?
Yeah. Hey, Dad, I know the family business is in crisis, but don't
worry, I just gambled everything on Lucky Jim in the 2:15 at Kempton.
What do we do? I don't know.
I mean, I can create some fake paperwork or something,
but I can't create a fake person.
It's your dad.
Have you thought about just telling him the truth? Ha, ha. Yeah, no.
Because my dad would call the police on me himself
just to, just to teach me a lesson. If he needs to meet an investor,
we need to give him an investor.
Yes, we do. Who?
ACCENTED: Howard Cherry, Cherry Investment Capital.
We're excited to be in business with you, Mr Halloran.
Well, we're all definitely going to jail.
Hey!
What are you doing here?
I-I-I done somethin' really bad, and I...
OK, all right, calm down.
Tell me, what did you do?
SHE WHIMPERS
What happened? I shot Spider.
I don't know what to do.
Give me the gun.
Listen to me, you can't go home. OK?
Where do I go?
Remember where we used to go when we were younger?
Go there and just wait for me there.
Can't you come now? No, not now.
Please! I can't. I can't.
I can't. Just go there.
Turn off your phone. Don't chat to anyone.
I'll come as quickly as I can.
It's going to be OK, Es.
I'll make it OK.
Go.
Go on.
Can you help me with something?
What do you want? I want my money back. What money?
I don't have time to fuck about, what have you done with it?
Who do you think you're talking to, huh?
I want it back.
It's not that simple. Look, I want it back.
Or I'm going to hurt you and I'm going to hurt your family.
Get me the money by tomorrow or I'm coming for you and your family.
You hear me? Yeah.
That weren't what it looked like. I don't want to know.
Let me just explain to you. I don't...
..don't want to know.
Can you handle being unpopular?
Never seeing friends and family.
Don't mind if I do.
WHISTLE
I've just found a weapon hidden on the premises, and I happen to know
for a fact it wasn't there yesterday.
Which suggests to me that one of you put it there today.
Who was it?
Was it you?
Why would I bring a weapon here?
The only thing I hate more than violence is global warming.
And those trainers with the toes.
Was it yours? All my weapons are at home for when the revolution starts.
What revolution? When the people rise up and revolt
against their oppression by government overlords like you.
When is this scheduled for? Any day now.
If you have an exact day, you better tell me. She's winding you up.
Oh.
Or was it yours?
Hm?
Or maybe it belongs to you?
Of course not. Why of course not? It's not a crazy suggestion.
You're a criminal like everyone else here.
Like Gabby said,
why would I bring a gun here?
How do you know it's a gun? What?
All I said was I found a weapon, didn't specify what kind.
Well, is it a gun?
Yeah.
But could have been knife,
Taser. Gun's a bit of a big leap to make.
This is Bristol not South Central.
The only way that you'd know it was a gun is if you hid
it there yourself,
or if you know who did.
Whose gun is it, Ms Rakowski?
You can tell me or you can tell the police.
And refusing to tell them is an accessory after the fact
and an obstruction of justice.
VELCRO UNZIPS
OK, now.
It's his.
Seriously?
Again.
MUSIC: Souvenir by Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark
MUSIC CONTINUES
Hello. Found my money yet?
I'm working on it, just dealing with something else right now.
Listen, our working relationship is this, I own a chain of hot dog
stands and I pay people like you to sell sausages.
So tell me what's more important
than you selling my fucking sausages?
Nothing. Just give me a few days. I'll get your money back.
You already had two weeks to bring me my money and the guy
who took it, and I don't see either.
If I get you the money, does the thief matter?
I want a head on a spike, so my competitors don't get the same idea.
If it isn't his head, it will be yours.
So, yes, I would say it matters.
Clock's ticking.
MUSIC CONTINUES
..I think we should be referencing some of the brand partners.
Yeah, that's a good point. Daddy will definitely want to know
about brands. So who were you thinking?
In terms of brands? Yeah. All the big hitters. Yeah.
MUSIC CONTINUES
# All I need is coordination
# I can't imagine
# My destination
# My intention
# Ask my opinion
# But no excuse
# My feelings still remain
# My feelings still remain... #
Hi, Es. Hey.
THEY WHISPER
It's OK. It's my fault. I... SHE SOBS
It's OK, it's OK. It's all right.
MUSIC CONTINUES