Mr. Putin, you are a loser.
Coming up on The Problem.
Who do you think the teams are for World War III?
We're not heading to World War III.
It's the "Reichsbürger Bürgermeister."
I'm gonna head off on a diplomatic mission.
You know, the United States is a shining city on a hill
and a beacon of light for the world.
So we're beyond reproach in many regards.
We're not interesting to you. Like an abandoned mistress.
Freedom!
Hello!
My name is Jon Stewart.
It's nice to see you, and tonight, I'll be wearing a charcoal jacket.
I think it's quite snazzy.
I don't know if you've all been paying attention there
to our current geopolitical situation.
Feeling a little 1939.
Russia prepares a new offensive.
Russian troops have been mobilized.
If China threatens our sovereignty, we will act to protect our country.
NATO stands more unified and more resolute than ever.
World War III could break out.
Third World War.
This ends with our victory, or this ends in a nuclear World War III.
That's the two choices.
Nobody was saying like--
Nobody was saying, "A truce?"
I mean, your idea's good too, but--
Well, World War III, long awaited sequel. Very exciting.
Just out of curiosity,
since we've been out of the world war games for a while,
what's this one about?
Democracy versus Autocracy.
A classic!
A new world order of East versus West.
Well, that sounds more like the All-Star Game.
Tyranny versus freedom.
Freedom!
Braveheart.
Civilization versus darkness.
Battle for the light switch.
Between chaos and stability.
We're going to need all of the infinity stones.
My guess is actually, it's the usual shit, oil and wheat.
But all right, Avengers assemble.
We need allies. We're gonna start with an unlikely one,
joining America in this world war
and hoping to bring their record to 1 and 2, I guess.
Germany.
Reliable ally?
It sounds like something out of the Nazi era.
Far right extremists demanding citizens turn in their passports
because they are not "German enough."
One of the leading groups, the Reichsbürger,
or citizens of the Reich, now accused of plotting a coup in Germany.
It's the "Reichsbürger Bürgermeister."
The Bürgermeister likes burgers.
Burgers. Jesus.
All right. It's looking iffy in Germany.
They're about to get taken over by the "Reichs and weizens."
What about France? Their égalité, fraternité. Their Garnier fruité.
Surely...
they will be on the side of democracy.
The far right in France has simply gained ground with each election,
and I think they've never been as strong as they are right now.
Macron is facing threats from the far right and far left.
Fury over the government raising
the retirement age two years to 64.
Literally, dumpster fire over this.
I think we're going to need to get Emily out of Paris now.
I hope she finds love.
Well, at the least, we will always have England.
The lions of Europe. Well, not really Europe.
I guess they pulled out of Europe. But we'll always--
We have England.
We turn now to London tonight,
the new prime minister, the third in seven weeks.
The queen is dead.
Sales of Elizabeth Arden's Eight Hour Cream have surged
after Prince Harry revealed that he used it to treat his frostnipped penis.
I guess England has their hands full right now.
Well, not a bunch of great allies, but the good news. I hope, is going to--
It's still gonna be an away war.
You know what I mean? The US will still be protected by
our oceans and Dwayne Johnson.
Breaking news. The US tracking a suspected
Chinese spy balloon flying over the United States.
America under attack.
Sovereignty breached in the air and on the ground.
Balloony.
Now, we're gonna have to go figure this shit out. All right.
Well, I'm afraid this calls for us breaking
the normal form here at The Problem.
I'm gonna be leaving the studio,
and I'm gonna head off on a diplomatic mission
to bring this war to heel or perhaps to be its decisive spark.
We will find out either way.
Stew beef out.
First stop, the nation's capital
to tell America's top diplomat that he would not have to plan
for World War III alone.
Although some of my recent interviews have been a bit contentious,
I thought perhaps a different approach would be in order.
- Secretary Blinken. - Jon Stewart.
Boy, so World War III is imminent. We don't have a ton of time.
Now, we've done this twice.
We had the World War I, and then, obviously, the sequel.
This third one, who do you think the teams are for World War III?
So, first, I'm disputing the premise.
We're not heading to World War III.
If the basic rules of the road that we actually established after World War II--
When those rules of the road are being violated by someone,
we have to stand up. We have to stand together,
- make sure that we're doing something. - Okay. So, what are the teams gonna be?
Because in World War II, it was Germany and Japan were like the big dogs.
What will the teams be in this one?
Again, I'm disputing the premise on World War III.
Is it going to be England, France, Germany, US versus Russia, China?
It's pretty simple.
Anyone who wants to stand up and stand behind the proposition
that we've agreed to a set of basic rules for the way countries conduct themselves,
then in some way or another you'll be part of that team.
How reliable are our traditional allies given the fragile nature of the EU?
Britain's already left it.
- Look at all of the predictions... - Yeah.
...of the demise of these democracies, the demise of these alliances,
the demise of the EU, those predictions have been confounded.
Look at how these countries have come together.
Look at how the European Union has come together.
You trust the-the EU.
- Absolutely. Look at the support-- - Hungary is like
the Marjorie Taylor Greene to Europe.
I mean, they're not gonna stand up.
They're in the EU in a big, white fur coat shouting things at people.
European countries have stood up, stepping up to support Ukraine.
All right. So, England.
Has been, remains, will be one of our closest partners.
Germany.
Any concerns there about getting them back in the game?
Germany's in the game.
- Germany's in the game, big time. - All right.
Germany's done more than anyone would have ever anticipated
before this aggression started against Ukraine.
I say this about Germany, do we really want--
I mean, it's like Michael Jordan left to play baseball.
Do we really want them back in the basketball game?
The fate of the world, in terms of,
a fight between the powers of democracy and light,
represented by us,
and darkness and authoritarianism-- represented by Russia, China,
and sometimes us.
But, who knows how that's gonna hold together?
So, here's what I'm gonna do for you.
I'm gonna head over to Europe,
and I'm gonna get some commitments for World War III
because I don't think they're as reliable as you seem to think they are.
Report back. Let me know what you hear.
I will absolutely do that, sir.
- I will see you-- - We'll see you when you get back.
- Absolutely. - Thanks so much.
Obviously, no world war would be complete without checking in on Germany.
A most fearsome foe turned friendliest friend.
I headed not to Europe yet,
but to the world's EPCOT center, the United Nations.
Thank you for joining us, the foreign minister of Germany,
Annalena Baerbock.
- Hello. Good evening. - I am here
as a representative of the United States.
Not, obviously, officially.
And I'm more than happy to do the interview in German, if you wish,
or in English, whatever your comfort is.
Exactly.
I was talking to Secretary Blinken,
and we both agree that World War III is starting.
And we're picking teams.
Germany is-- I think-- our most crucial ally.
Who else do you think we should choose?
I think it's not like a sports game.
I wish it would be where you pick your players who could play in your team,
but this is a question about
- our future, our peace. Order worldwide. - Right.
I wouldn't support saying we are facing a third world war.
Thanks God, we are not.
You don't think we should number them anymore?
What would you call it?
Well, I would-- I would call it, "The worst-case scenario in the 21st century."
- Because these world wars-- - That is not catchy.
- These world wars... - Yeah.
...of the last century-- We have learned our lessons,
especially after the second world war, committed from Germany, and so--
I've read about it.
- Yeah, but I've lived my whole life... - I've seen some movies.
...in peace, which was not normal in my grandmother's time.
But I'd-- I had the luck also,
thanks to the US and other international partners--
There's no need to thank us.
The smiles on your faces is enough for us. It always has been.
Some may say we do it to establish cheaper markets for labor and goods,
but it's not the case.
We do it for the children to a large extent.
First of all, what is the most important thing in life? And you said it.
- Future of our children... - Cheap--
- Future of our children, yes. - ...peace and liberty.
Unfortunately,
- and this is a brutal reality for Ukraine... - Yeah.
...Russia destroyed all these common understanding, and one year ago,
I would've never thought that I would have to actually discuss this issue.
But Russia is attacking the European peace order.
So the question is, if-- We're gonna be the Allied powers this time.
Russia's gonna be the Axis.
United States, Germany, France?
Would you suggest France on our team? Are they reliable?
This is not just a European issue, so--
But this is an issue for the whole international community,
and 141 countries decided they are the team of international law,
the charter of the United Nations,
- so it's pretty clear-- - A hundred and forty-one nations
- condemned Russia's aggression in Ukraine? - Yes.
- How many voted against that condemnation? - Seven.
- I'm assuming Russia's in there. - Russia's in there.
Who else is in there?
Belarus.
Well, Belarus, I mean, hey, Russia's in the name.
Syria. They do it over there.
- North Korea. - Wow.
Yeah, sure.
Eritrea.
Really? That's kind of a surprise entry.
Nicaragua.
Nicaragua? The nerve.
You know, we live right next door to them. We've been neighbors for years.
I mean, we did overthrow their government at one point,
but that was a-- It's a while ago.
- That's six. Nicara-- - It's Syria-- With Ma--
- And Mali now. - Mali?
- Did they really? - Yes.
Well, I think we have the teams then for the world war. It's 141 to seven.
I think we're looking pretty good as far as I can tell.
- How did China vote? - Abstained.
Oh, boy.
How did India vote?
Also abstained.
Okay, so we're-- Okay, so we have 141,
- but we're missing 2.5 billion people. - We are missing big countries.
You buried the lede on that one because that's--
I didn't know we didn't have India and China, there.
I think we can definitely pick off India.
You think they're onboard "Team Freedom."
They have a dependency of military support by 70% from Russia.
India does.
By the way, and I don't even-- Not to toot my own horn, but "Team Freedom,"
not a bad bumper sticker.
- We could be, obviously-- - Yes. Or "Team Peace."
Or "Team Charter of the United Nations."
- I know it-- This is-- - "Team Charter of the United Nations?"
I have to tell you
if we were brainstorming this,
that'd be a no.
- That'd be a no. - No, but the trigger word in the US
is more freedom? I think in Germany, the positive trigger is peace.
In the past, because we built all these peace institutions
in the European hemisphere,
but also, with NATO,
we agreed in Europe that we should never fight each other again.
Russia's plan was based on an understanding
that with violence you can break everything.
Ukraine, but you can also break international law,
and you can break the unity of the European Union of those countries.
So that's the plan.
His plan is-- He wants to break the European Union.
He wants to break the democratic world.
Okay, we've got to shift our strategy.
Thank you so much.
With India and China free agents,
shoring up European support would be paramount.
I headed overseas to discuss things with the former head of the EU.
John Oliver's grandfather.
It could just really be Oliver.
Do you believe the United States can trust the EU?
There is cohesion amongst Europeans,
apart with more than some minor nuances, Hungary.
We don't know if France will withstand in the next year.
Year, or years?
I'm gonna say six months.
Judging from how Macron is handling
- changing the retirement age to 64. - You know what...
- So is there anybody within the EU... - ...that's France.
...that you think you're not sure about their wavering?
Europe is the only country where nobody abstains.
The European Union as a whole is sanctioning Russia,
and so, what can we tell Mr. Putin?
We have to tell him, "You will be isolated forever."
You have to tell him, "You are on the loser side."
You have to tell him, "Mr. Putin, you are a loser."
How does he receive a message such as that?
I never put it that way to him because--
No, although we had frank and open discussions.
I was speaking with the German foreign minister
and she was talking about the UN vote.
- 141 to seven. - Yeah. Yeah.
I feel like if those are the teams, we win.
But then she mentioned, China abstained.
- India. - India abstained and half of Africa.
- Yeah. - How do we court India?
Because they're a big free agent on the team for World War III.
They get the majority of their arms from Russia.
Yes, but China is the real problem we are facing for the next coming decades.
So we need to neutralize China
or get them to join with the Allied powers.
I don't think that China will join with the Allied powers.
They want to show that they are a system by their own.
They have their own societal model.
So, this is a tough one.
You have India that is not supportive, you have China that is not supportive.
A continent, Africa, that is less inclined to support the United States.
Africa always felt treated in a very bad way by Europeans
because we colonized large parts of Africa.
So, you're saying as we are choosing up allies to fight against Russia
what we're noticing is resentments against Western colonization?
We have forgotten that the Africans haven't.
The policy from Europe for some years was,
"Let's send Bono there and he'll raise some money."
The Chinese and the Russians, they are going there.
Paying, investing, building new buildings but this is not for free.
There is no free beer in international relations.
Is that the-the saying in Luxembourg?
Because it's "free lunch" in America.
It's "free beer" in Luxembourg?
We are not as generous as we should be.
It was clear, I would have to roll up my sleeves
and engage my really disturbingly hairy arms with some retailed diplomacy.
It was time to go country-to-country.
- Thank you so much for joining us. - My pleasure.
If you don't mind stating your name,
your position and your country that you represent.
Seán Kelly, member of the European Parliament. From Ireland South.
Francisco Guerreiro. I'm a Green MEP from Portugal.
- Guy Verhofstadt? - Yeah.
Former prime minister of Belgium, now you're a member of parliament.
Malta, obviously, is one of the United States' greatest allies.
Slovenia, one of America's most important allies.
Spain, Romania, Ireland, the US' most important ally in many ways.
Who told you that?
I made it up.
- I'm sorry. You said you were from-- - Sweden.
She's from Sweden and it's clear she's not from Sweden.
She's got-- They're blonde, they generally play volleyball.
Yeah, maybe I'm a little bit too Muslim and Arab for you for being a Swede.
World War III, we believe we've got a few weeks before it starts.
And we're just putting together, kind of, the teams.
And what's everybody providing.
I'm gonna put you down for "mild ground troops."
Maybe some weaponry.
"Tanks."
"Planes."
"Snacks."
I've got you down for "soldiers" and "tanks."
No.
We're the best at snacks but also people-- Spirit-- Fighting spirit.
"Nightly storytelling."
I think not.
I can tell you right now, Malta, very enthusiastic.
Slovenia, they're on board.
But we're not gonna go to war. We're actually anti-war.
No, it's not going that way.
It's not going that way and it's good that it's not.
Is there any country in Europe you're worried about
in terms of being with the Allied powers?
At the moment Orbán.
You believe Hungary?
While we are trying to support the Ukrainians with everything we have,
he's building a Russian nuclear power plant in Hungary.
I think, indeed, Hungary, there are a lot of concerns.
The European Parliament has stated that Hungary is no longer a democracy.
We see what is happening in Hungary and we are more critical than anyone else.
In this club of democracies, two words, Viktor Orbán.
Everybody's pointing to Hungary
and saying, "We don't know what team they're on."
For Hungary, the whole of the Western alliance, NATO especially,
and member states are furnishing arms to Ukraine.
- Yes. - And saying things like,
"We're gonna stay with Ukraine as long as it takes until victory."
But-- But that victory is not defined.
It's not defined how long is "as long as it takes."
I am from the other Hungary.
Now there is another Hungary?
I truly believe that Viktor Orbán
does not represent the majority of our citizens.
He is acting as a Trojan horse of Vladimir Putin
at the European negotiating tables.
What part of Ukraine can we give them while still respecting
- their national sovereignty? - We don't make that decision.
If Ukraine says, "You can have a lot of our east. Are we good?"
Would that do it?
- What if we gave them Moldova as well? - I don't know if it did it or not.
I think it is absolutely of Hungary's most fundamental interest
that we stay on the side of freedom and democracy.
We have a history of fighting for our independence and for our liberty.
- And you're proud of that. - And we are proud of that.
- A cease-fire of peace. - Are you prouder of the times
that you fought for your independence
or prouder of the times that you conceded to larger powers?
We didn't concede to larger powers.
There were times when larger powers took some of our territory.
- Exactly. Exactly. - That's not concession.
And we are proud of fighting for liberty...
- And-- - ...but we are also proud of maintaining
- our identity, our language, our culture... - Yes. Yes.
- ...in difficulty. - And don't you think Ukraine
deserves the same opportunity and feels the same way?
They may feel the same way and deserve the same rights
in a realistic way.
We are not giving up in Hungary. We are fighting.
It is much easier to destroy a democracy than to build it back.
What if we just give them France?
- France? - Yeah. I'm not a fan.
France gets us into a lot of trouble
and then when we wanna invade countries
they won't even let us fly over their territory.
What's the worst country in the European Union?
- Would you say France? - I rank--
- Absolutely not. - Just blink twice if it's France.
France is an ally. It's always been in the second wars that you fought.
So, it's not gonna change teams now.
I think they are reliable for now.
If one of the Le Pens, whatever generation,
France can take its pick.
But if that happens then we're in deep trouble.
So the record shows that it's France.
I haven't blinked.
I'll wait.
The key is France.
I'm very concerned.
What if for World War III...
I can promise French a four-day "warweek."
You only have to bomb four days out of the week.
If you're acceptable with that, we'll bring you aboard.
You have a doubt about France but I have also a doubt about the US.
You know, what is required from us is not to invade other countries,
like you did.
I'm afraid, as far as I'm concerned,
the US are the biggest destabilizing influence.
We know that America was built on genocide,
slavery and colonialism.
Do you trust the United States, yes, or of course?
There is no such a thing as a "yes" or "no" in politics.
America was built on freedom.
Freedom for who though?
Americans.
You gotta stop this "America First" because all the lunatics here...
Wow.
...they love saying, "Well then it's Hungary first,
it's Germany first." But not everyone can be first.
That's the point of "America First." Is not everybody can be first, it's us.
Well, that's a bit contradictory with your plan of being the captain of the team.
Because when you are captain of the team, you don't say, "America first."
What you say is-- You stand with some principles that can unite your team.
So, the problem with your "America First"...
- I'm gonna stop you there. - ...is-is that America first
is America alone.
What?
I was reeling.
These withering, ad hominem attacks, really, on America
had me seeking comfort and reassurance.
The kind I could only get from another member of the media.
Famed French journalist, Léa Salamé.
Do you understand why you are being hated
- by some people in the world? - No.
We've given them nothing but really great shows,
music, Drake.
- Yeah. Jeans. - Although, he's Canadian.
Jeans.
How much more can we give?
To be loved?
Thank you. Yes.
We're friends with the US but sometimes it's hard to follow you, you know?
Sometimes-- How to tell you that?
I mean, sometimes we don't trust you.
And we have reasons for that.
Listen, you know, I'm French. I'm French but I was born in Lebanon.
- I have specificity. - Born in Lebanon?
- Yeah. I was born in Lebanon. Okay? - Okay.
So, I know how you Americans acted in the Middle East.
How you acted in Iraq.
- How you acted in Afghanistan. - But that was a...
- Yeah, come on. - ...an anomaly. That wasn't--
- That's the exception to the rule. - Though it's the exception, it's history.
You came there, and then you withdraw in 24 hours
and you left the country for the Talibans.
And you know Afghanistan and Iraq, it's our borders, man.
- No-- I-- No, it's-- - It's our borders.
So, we have to deal with millions of refugees coming
- when you withdraw. - Sure, but that was-- We were only--
- So, we have memory of you also. - I know.
So, of course we're friends with you but we have memory.
I don't know if you know this, we were spreading democracy
as a beacon of freedom in the world.
So, I just wanna make clear that
you know, sometimes when you spread democracy it's like a buffet.
Are there crumbs on the floor? Yes. Sometimes things fall.
But we've laid out a beautiful meal for the world...
- Yeah. What are the latest successes? - ...to dine on.
The latest successes, well, you know, it's interesting.
It's funny that you bring that up.
Let's say we didn't do the Middle East
necessarily perfectly.
And let's say we destabilized many countries.
And killed tens of thousands of people.
- Let's say-- Let's pretend. - And drove millions of refugees
that destabilized other Western countries.
- Let's say all of that is true. - Okay. Okay.
Okay. So I'm just-- I don't have a follow-up to that.
- I was just saying, let's all say that-- - So let's--
Let's be honest, we have the same thing in France.
Now, there are a lot of people in Africa, they don't want us anymore.
They hate us. They hate us for our imperialism.
For our colonialism.
And they want us to pay.
Do they hate the fact that,
"We used to control them through military force and extract their wealth.
And not give them anything and exploit them."
Like, come on.
They said, "Okay, you came, you took our countries.
You thought it was your countries and now you're gonna pay back."
They prefer sticking with Putin, even if they don't like him very much.
Right. They say things like, "Putin never colonized us."
- "Putin never--" You know? - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
They prefer even Putin to us.
- And China. - And China. China is everywhere in Africa.
You know? It's now the biggest partner in Africa.
And we have been dismissed. We're out of the game.
And the big question now is, how do I take back the link with those?
Algeria, Mali, Senegal countries, and it's very tough.
- That's right. - They are not allied with us anymore.
And Europe is very reluctant to recognize what she did bad.
Maybe like you a little bit.
- We're very honest about our faults. - No.
I mean, we've been spreading democracy and Jesus now for 200 years
and we've never gone wrong.
And I come out of this conversation
knowing that our relationship with Europe is strong.
But-- Just-- Can I tell you just one thing?
For the last decade and it has begun with Obama.
We felt that we, Europe, were not interesting to you.
He was really much more interested with Asia, with China.
And we felt a little bit despised.
We felt a little bit betrayed.
We Europeans like-- I don't know, like an abandoned mistress.
That you find a more younger, more sexy girl, that's Asia.
- I know. I understand. - And we were a little bit disappointed.
And so, Biden, before the war in Ukraine, was in the same line.
Obama, Trump and then Biden were like, obsessed with Asia and China.
- We were a little bit forgotten. - I know. I--
We never wanted you to feel that way.
You know, you don't understand, like, we're middle-aged.
We're just wondering, like, "Am I still attractive? Are we still like--
Is it over for me? Are we ever gonna be, like, that new country again?
We don't have any new pioneer lands. We're not really imperialistic anymore.
Like, who are we anymore?"
- And then we see Asia... - You're in the middle--
- middle age crisis. - ...and they look beautiful.
And they're looking at us and they're interested in us.
For the first time. And I'm not saying, but maybe--
- Maybe you didn't-- - And you're changing your wife!
- Yeah. For a younger one. - Not changing. Just--
- If you hadn't taken us for granted... - A more sexy one.
- ...we wouldn't have felt-- - You're fed up with us.
Well, I just want you to know that in World War III
there's no one else we'd rather save.
- Than Europe? - Baby, come back.
Baby, come back.
That's perfect. That's exactly what's happening since Ukraine.
Yeah.
It had been a grueling journey but a fruitful one.
Will the complicated but still loving relationships amongst free nations
withstand this latest challenge?
Time will tell.
What is evermore clear is that those who learn from history
are doomed to remember.
And hold grudges apparently.
All right, we're back. That is our program.
We're back in the States. We got the team set for World War III.
We look forward to seeing what happens.
If you need me, I'll be in my New Zealand bunker.
It's set up for podcasts. All right.
Good night, everybody.